Should I quit my job without another lined up?
December 27, 2015 6:03 AM Subscribe
My job is really taxing my mental health. I'm thinking of quitting with no job lined up, and no savings. Is this a bad idea?
I hate my job. Several months ago, a coworker put a keychain in my purse when I left it unattended (I trusted everyone) and now the store I work at thinks I'm a thief. I'm watched everywhere and am the only person not allowed to carry a purse (the store claims it's just policy, but they didn't enforce it until the keychain incident (after I'd been there 4 years!) and I've seen other coworkers working with their bags since then.) I also overheard a greeter telling someone I tried to steal something. I asked the store to check the cameras the night it happened so they could see what really happened, but they didn't do it. My ex thinks this is a racism issue. I informed my boss who suggested a store meeting, but I don't want to single myself out even more. I've recently had to get on WIC due to an unexpected pregnancy and now I no longer plan to shop there, because I don't want them to know and have more reason to see me as a thief.
Another reason, a coworker touched me inappropriately twice there and the boss didn't believe me. She ended up demoting me in seniority (for different reasons) and giving this person my seniority, so they got my hours for awhile until they got fired. Every time I go into work I think about what happened. What happened was relatively minor compared to what others have gone through, and I feel like when I quit this job I can finally begin to move past it. I feel even shittier that the boss didn't believe me; she is one of only 3 people I told.
I blame myself for deleting the evidence I had after I told her; it was too painful to keep around. I also waited until he accused me of something I didn't do to say anything, because I thought maybe he'd just gotten the wrong signals and he was my friend beforehand so I didn't want to get him fired. But he was obviously willing to try to get *me* fired, soyeah. If I'd sent her the evidence and reported it immediately after the 2nd time it happened, instead of months later, maybe she would have believed me.
Other reasons are the jokes made by the men there make me uncomfortable, since many of them are sexual in nature and an ex I work with has taken to directly making fun of me by saying things like my vagina stink and I'm bad in bed and I look bad naked in front of everyone. I don't always work with this ex, though. I know I could file for sexual harassment and all that, but this is the culture of my job and I'd just be making more people hate me. Also, this ex is still my friend.
Another coworker is outright mean and bossy to me (she's this way with most people) and I feel anxious every time I have to work with her. Sometimes I call off to avoid working with this person, other times I'll come in late from psyching myself up to work with her. This person has received several complaints from coworkers, but she is one of the boss' favorites so nothing is done.
The other thing is we don't get raises, so the new people are now making $3 more than I am. All this combines to make me feel like a shitty person every time I go into work. The person I mainly work with doesn't show up half the time and he still makes more than I do.
The main thing forcing my hand in this is that I'm plagued with a very dark thought: Walking into work, and shooting myself in the head in front of everyone, making them clean up all the mess and having a note somewhere with all these happenings. So that the people involved will feel bad for the way they treated me. They'll think "She must have been telling the truth if it hurt her enough to take her own life." I won't actually do this because it's crazy and I don't really want to traumatize people, and I know it probably won't have the effect I'm thinking. But I think about it every day, multiple times a day, and I feel like maybe it's better I just quit. I've had this thought for half a year now. I feel ashamed of having this fantasy. But I can't stand being seen as a liar and a thief, especially as someone that would lie about being touched in an inappropriate way. I have a strong sense of right and wrong and that's one of the few things I actually like about myself. When I'm at work, I actually *feel* like a liar and a thief, even though I know I'm not one... I feel scummy like I am one.
Less important reasons: I don't like working nights and my boss recently said we can't come in early anymore. Once it gets past midnight or so I start going a little crazy with how late it is. I get really anxious and it increases the later/earlier it gets. I don't like the work itself either. Sometimes I see LP or a manager watching to see if I'm stealing for the 100th time or someone is snippy with me and I just want to break down and cry (which some people have actually done at this job for other reasons) or just walk out and leave the work unfinished.
I feel so anxious about going into work every night that I call off probably twice a month. It just feels so overwhelming sometimes that I can't get out of bed to go in. Also, I have an addiction that makes it impossible to pass a drug test. I feel like having no job at all will force me to quit this addiction (I've seen a therapist about it to no avail) instead of wallowing away for another year at a job I hate. I have been applying to jobs despite this, but no luck yet.
The downside to this is I won't be able to pay my bills; I already rely on my Mom for a lot of my expenses because I'm not getting enough hours to survive. But no job will make that 10x worse. It usually takes me 6+ months to find a job so I'm not confident I'll be able to find something else quickly. I won't be able to save, invest in hobbies, or do any of that; it'll be a big setback. My main hope is I'll be able to get on welfare or something if I'm not able to find another job in a reasonable amount of time. I also can't afford a car, which makes finding another job in the same field almost impossible since most require you to drive between stores. I have no savings to speak of. (Literally; I'm one of those people that tends to have ~$10 in their bank account.)
Sometimes when I do go in to work it isn't that bad at the end of the night. So I'm wondering if I should try to just stick it out. I can't switch stores or request to not work with certain people, because I'm afraid of my hours being cut. And without work I get almost no social interaction. I feel like quitting is the worst decision I could make. But I'm tired of feeling like I'm lesser than everyone else. I've spent my life being picked on and teased and I thought in my adult life it would go away. I already feel lesser than other people and the way I'm treated at work just enforces that. I'm afraid my mental health is going to get worse the longer I'm there; this worry because some MeFites have suggested that the way this job makes me feel is hindering me in other areas of my life.
At the same time, maybe I should just suck it up. I've seen stories of women that were harassed for years and still stuck it out. I've seen stories of women raped in the army and they didn't quit. What happened to me was less than 1/100th that. So why quit and put the burden of supporting me solely on my Mom? And put myself through not having a paycheck, basically hurt myself because of what other people have done? Would that be letting them win?
I do have a therapist but we've been playing phone tag for a few weeks.
I hate my job. Several months ago, a coworker put a keychain in my purse when I left it unattended (I trusted everyone) and now the store I work at thinks I'm a thief. I'm watched everywhere and am the only person not allowed to carry a purse (the store claims it's just policy, but they didn't enforce it until the keychain incident (after I'd been there 4 years!) and I've seen other coworkers working with their bags since then.) I also overheard a greeter telling someone I tried to steal something. I asked the store to check the cameras the night it happened so they could see what really happened, but they didn't do it. My ex thinks this is a racism issue. I informed my boss who suggested a store meeting, but I don't want to single myself out even more. I've recently had to get on WIC due to an unexpected pregnancy and now I no longer plan to shop there, because I don't want them to know and have more reason to see me as a thief.
Another reason, a coworker touched me inappropriately twice there and the boss didn't believe me. She ended up demoting me in seniority (for different reasons) and giving this person my seniority, so they got my hours for awhile until they got fired. Every time I go into work I think about what happened. What happened was relatively minor compared to what others have gone through, and I feel like when I quit this job I can finally begin to move past it. I feel even shittier that the boss didn't believe me; she is one of only 3 people I told.
I blame myself for deleting the evidence I had after I told her; it was too painful to keep around. I also waited until he accused me of something I didn't do to say anything, because I thought maybe he'd just gotten the wrong signals and he was my friend beforehand so I didn't want to get him fired. But he was obviously willing to try to get *me* fired, soyeah. If I'd sent her the evidence and reported it immediately after the 2nd time it happened, instead of months later, maybe she would have believed me.
Other reasons are the jokes made by the men there make me uncomfortable, since many of them are sexual in nature and an ex I work with has taken to directly making fun of me by saying things like my vagina stink and I'm bad in bed and I look bad naked in front of everyone. I don't always work with this ex, though. I know I could file for sexual harassment and all that, but this is the culture of my job and I'd just be making more people hate me. Also, this ex is still my friend.
Another coworker is outright mean and bossy to me (she's this way with most people) and I feel anxious every time I have to work with her. Sometimes I call off to avoid working with this person, other times I'll come in late from psyching myself up to work with her. This person has received several complaints from coworkers, but she is one of the boss' favorites so nothing is done.
The other thing is we don't get raises, so the new people are now making $3 more than I am. All this combines to make me feel like a shitty person every time I go into work. The person I mainly work with doesn't show up half the time and he still makes more than I do.
The main thing forcing my hand in this is that I'm plagued with a very dark thought: Walking into work, and shooting myself in the head in front of everyone, making them clean up all the mess and having a note somewhere with all these happenings. So that the people involved will feel bad for the way they treated me. They'll think "She must have been telling the truth if it hurt her enough to take her own life." I won't actually do this because it's crazy and I don't really want to traumatize people, and I know it probably won't have the effect I'm thinking. But I think about it every day, multiple times a day, and I feel like maybe it's better I just quit. I've had this thought for half a year now. I feel ashamed of having this fantasy. But I can't stand being seen as a liar and a thief, especially as someone that would lie about being touched in an inappropriate way. I have a strong sense of right and wrong and that's one of the few things I actually like about myself. When I'm at work, I actually *feel* like a liar and a thief, even though I know I'm not one... I feel scummy like I am one.
Less important reasons: I don't like working nights and my boss recently said we can't come in early anymore. Once it gets past midnight or so I start going a little crazy with how late it is. I get really anxious and it increases the later/earlier it gets. I don't like the work itself either. Sometimes I see LP or a manager watching to see if I'm stealing for the 100th time or someone is snippy with me and I just want to break down and cry (which some people have actually done at this job for other reasons) or just walk out and leave the work unfinished.
I feel so anxious about going into work every night that I call off probably twice a month. It just feels so overwhelming sometimes that I can't get out of bed to go in. Also, I have an addiction that makes it impossible to pass a drug test. I feel like having no job at all will force me to quit this addiction (I've seen a therapist about it to no avail) instead of wallowing away for another year at a job I hate. I have been applying to jobs despite this, but no luck yet.
The downside to this is I won't be able to pay my bills; I already rely on my Mom for a lot of my expenses because I'm not getting enough hours to survive. But no job will make that 10x worse. It usually takes me 6+ months to find a job so I'm not confident I'll be able to find something else quickly. I won't be able to save, invest in hobbies, or do any of that; it'll be a big setback. My main hope is I'll be able to get on welfare or something if I'm not able to find another job in a reasonable amount of time. I also can't afford a car, which makes finding another job in the same field almost impossible since most require you to drive between stores. I have no savings to speak of. (Literally; I'm one of those people that tends to have ~$10 in their bank account.)
Sometimes when I do go in to work it isn't that bad at the end of the night. So I'm wondering if I should try to just stick it out. I can't switch stores or request to not work with certain people, because I'm afraid of my hours being cut. And without work I get almost no social interaction. I feel like quitting is the worst decision I could make. But I'm tired of feeling like I'm lesser than everyone else. I've spent my life being picked on and teased and I thought in my adult life it would go away. I already feel lesser than other people and the way I'm treated at work just enforces that. I'm afraid my mental health is going to get worse the longer I'm there; this worry because some MeFites have suggested that the way this job makes me feel is hindering me in other areas of my life.
At the same time, maybe I should just suck it up. I've seen stories of women that were harassed for years and still stuck it out. I've seen stories of women raped in the army and they didn't quit. What happened to me was less than 1/100th that. So why quit and put the burden of supporting me solely on my Mom? And put myself through not having a paycheck, basically hurt myself because of what other people have done? Would that be letting them win?
I do have a therapist but we've been playing phone tag for a few weeks.
This post was deleted for the following reason: Sorry, posts discussing suicide are against guidelines -- taz
Yes and go straight to a social assistance office. Ask for help for all of these issues - including a support group for sexual harassment you've experienced, preparing for a baby and helping with addiction/mental health issues.
I'm not sure how your country handles social assistance support but ask if there's a retraining program to help you learn skills for going back to work when your baby is born.
posted by A hidden well at 6:22 AM on December 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm not sure how your country handles social assistance support but ask if there's a retraining program to help you learn skills for going back to work when your baby is born.
posted by A hidden well at 6:22 AM on December 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
If you have an addiction, you need to stop, you aren't alone in it, you have a baby to think about.
If you have benefits (and you should) go to rehab. There you will get the help you need to address your addiction AND you get away from the situation for awhile. Tell your doctor that you have suicidal ideation and tell her about your fantasy. While in Rehab, you'll be eligible for disability payments.
If you don't have benefits, exhaust every avenue to get into rehab as a state benefit.
You have a multitude of problems and what you must do is to stop compounding them. This may include deciding to place your baby with parents who are in better mental health and financial states. It sucks, but at this point you can't just think for yourself, you must think about the person inside you who is along for your ride.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:28 AM on December 27, 2015
If you have benefits (and you should) go to rehab. There you will get the help you need to address your addiction AND you get away from the situation for awhile. Tell your doctor that you have suicidal ideation and tell her about your fantasy. While in Rehab, you'll be eligible for disability payments.
If you don't have benefits, exhaust every avenue to get into rehab as a state benefit.
You have a multitude of problems and what you must do is to stop compounding them. This may include deciding to place your baby with parents who are in better mental health and financial states. It sucks, but at this point you can't just think for yourself, you must think about the person inside you who is along for your ride.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:28 AM on December 27, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
It sounds like you work in big box retail. Continue applying for other retail jobs now and stick it out at your current place until you find something. Is public transportation available where you live so that you can travel farther afield?
All this being said, tackling your drug addiction needs to be your number one priority. You will have trouble getting a retail job if you can't pass a drug test. But more importantly, you are pregnant. Do it for your unborn baby.
posted by amro at 6:16 AM on December 27, 2015