Help me deal with being perma-single

December 15, 2015 5:23 PM

I've been single for far too long. Dates are very rare and lead nowhere. Why am I so undesirable?

I'm not sure what the problem is. In real life (Ask Metafilter is where I feel safe to let my insides show...) I am an affable, easy going sort of fella who has many friends and is up to many things. I play music, I do creative things, I'm social. I work very hard, though a I don't earn much.
I'm intelligent and witty. I'm empathetic. I have style...I dress well. I'm in great shape. I'm 42 and straight, for the record.
My life is devoid of romance. I can never get a gal interested in me. It's extremely hard to get dates, and when I do, there is never a second one. Good conversation, stories, laughs, so on...but she isn't attracted.

I have a reasonably large social circle: most are coupled, and those who are single date often successfully. But I'm THAT GUY, the one who always solo, who can never get a date. I'm the guy who never has a girlfriend, and can be counted on for it.

It's humiliating. This is very embarrassing, because I really am lonely. I long for contact, I want to kiss and be kissed, I want to hold hands.
And I hate to admit this, but I would like to have sex too...once in a while at least.

I wish I could know what the problem is. Is it looks? I guess I'm not very good looking. I've never in my entire life been called handsome, cute, hot or any similar terminology. I try to make up for it by being genuine, funny, stylish etc. I guess it's not enough?

I just wish someone would like me in that way.
I've never felt desired, wanted. Loved.
Not once in my life have I ever heard the words: I love you.

Anyway, I don't think I'm looking for dating advice here. I've tried everything and nothing works. I'm obviously undisireable and that's that. And to be honest, extolling the virtues of singlehood doesn't help either. I hate it. I don't want the bed to myself. I don't eat popcorn for dinner in my underwear, ever.
I wanted to share life with someone. I even wanted kids, but I think it's too late now.
"Hang in there, keep trying" doesn't help. I've hung in there and kept trying and it's been years now. I want to know what's wrong with me. I want to know why I'm not viable as a partner.

I see couples everywhere. All my friends are coupled up or dating successfully.
What do they have that I don't?
(Just to be clear, I do not feel entitled. Absolutely no one owes me anything; I just hoped I too could enjoy the pleasures of romance, that's all.)

posted by Soap D. Spencer to Human Relations (9 answers total)

I would think you've already done this but you don't mention it - in your social circles, see if you can find people who you think will be honest with you, and ask them what they think is keeping you single. (This puts them in an awkward position - caught between doing you a long-term service vs being nice to you right in the moment, but hopefully they and you are both up to the task). Get multiple opinions.
posted by anonymisc at 5:31 PM on December 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

Have you ever noticed anything odd occur on the dates where it started to go south? Are you only dating women who are a lot younger or more conventionally attractive than you are? Are you finding any women to be friends with in the activities you do- are you interested in women as friends also- because that is step one in learning to enjoy the company of women (even if it is not romantic) , and these friends could also clue you in better than us. If not, I'd consider asking a trusted friend if some of your behavior comes off as off- putting?
I don't believe it is as superficial unless there is some big issue that makes it seem like you don't "take care" of yourself. Do you come off relatively healthy and happy with what you do, and interested in these women as complex people? Are you acting as if the date were high stakes?
posted by TenaciousB at 5:36 PM on December 15, 2015

I wish I could know what the problem is. Is it looks? I guess I'm not very good looking. I've never in my entire life been called handsome, cute, hot or any similar terminology. I try to make up for it by being genuine, funny, stylish etc. I guess it's not enough?

It's not this. Obviously every woman has her own tastes, and some value looks more than others, but it is nearly impossible to be discredited from the dating scene as a single 42-year-old male on the basis of looks alone.
posted by 256 at 5:36 PM on December 15, 2015 [2 favorites]

You've asked similar question to this one before. To judge from your earlier questions, I think your problem is a fundamental lack of self-confidence. Unfortunately that's a tough thing to change. Have you had any luck with earlier suggestions?
posted by crazy with stars at 5:39 PM on December 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

I quickly reviewed other questions you have posted in the past-- not specifics, just the general tone-- and it sounds like you've had this mild but chronic sense of pessimism for a while now. You do not come off as entitled-- in fact, it seems like you err on the side of being too timid to voice your needs and wants. People (and not only women) can sense this. Although nobody will specifically list it as a list of dealbreakers on their List Of Dealbreakers, it ends up being one of those things that are dealbreakers in relationships. Why? Because people can't remain in a relationship where they're constantly trying to anticipate what their partner might or might not want or need. You can't give somebody something they appreciate if they themselves don't know what they like to begin with, and sharing appreciation is a fundamental part of being in a relationship.

I hate to give you this answer, because this is ALWAYS the answer on the green, but perhaps you can begin to explore this in therapy.
posted by gemutlichkeit at 5:42 PM on December 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

Take a look at your past questions, with quotes like "full blown panic mode" and "a life of sheer financial terror and bitter dissapointment." A successful dating life will emerge from living a life you're happy with, whatever that may look like. Set minor goals and achieve them until you feel good about yourself.

Or, find someone who really likes helping others fix up their life. They do exist. It'll be a numbers game, so look toward online dating.

[Edit: sorry this sounded so harsh. I agree you've had a lot of bad luck and don't mean to blame you.]
posted by salvia at 5:55 PM on December 15, 2015 [1 favorite]

How flexible are you on age, parental status, and looks? By which I mean are you dating women your age, are you open to women who have kids already, and are you dating women at a similar level of physical attractiveness or are you aiming for the top 5%?
posted by Anonymous at 5:55 PM on December 15, 2015

I've responded to a few of your past questions, Soap, and I agree with crazy with stars. And agree that it's a hard problem to solve, because there's a feedback loop, between how you feel and what you believe, what you put out, and what you get back. It's not your fault - you've had a really hard time, and some bad luck. 2nd gemutlichkeit that therapy is a useful way of dealing with it, if that's available to you. If not - I haven't read it, but I've seen this book recommended here several times - maybe it's worth looking into?

Loneliness can be actually painful - the parts of the brain involved in physical pain are involved in emotional pain, I think that says something. I think part of the answer is finding a way to bear it for the time it's there, unfortunately, but you can do your best to take care of yourself in other ways, and to reach out whenever you can. And maybe to try to focus on ways you can make progress in other areas, for now, while you keep reaching out.

I think with dating, it's also a numbers game. It might take a hundred tries, or even more, but it might happen on the 112th.
posted by cotton dress sock at 5:55 PM on December 15, 2015

I looked at your previous questions, and am sure now- it is not your looks. It is the pessimism, the envy of others and general lack of optimism in your posts. A relationship has got to have a future- and you are expressing to us that your future is doomed, and that you may never be content with your own life.
I think you could benefit from some therapy, and work on achieving a sort of peace and hopefully contentment with yourself. Figure out your top priority- it seems to be settling into a better a job?- and concentrate on that, as well as spending time with things that bring you joy for balance.
Learn to find happiness in the moment, and in the process of growth, and not focus on the "things" you have never obtained. Women will sense if you are so down on yourself you're hoping they will fix your life, and that is too much for most of us.
posted by TenaciousB at 5:58 PM on December 15, 2015