Generalized Anxiety Disorder ruined my relationship

December 15, 2015 3:53 PM

I would like you to know this post is coming from someone who never believed in mental illness.

Until I was diagnosed with GAD I associated all mental abnormalities with schizophrenia or just fake (because I don't know anyone with a MI). I was in a relationship with a beautiful, remarkable woman for years. When we separated.. it was only supposed to be for a few months (six at the most). From the day we separated.. It was like I completely forgot about her. I felt so relieved to sleep alone after 3 years! I didn't remember what I saw in her and no longer valued our relationship. All I could remember was our last argument. She cried constantly and I didn't feel anything. She visited me, brought me gifts and even called my parents. I felt like I was unable to show emotion. I thought I just didn't care for her anymore.

All I could think about was anticipating something negative so I continued to push her away. I stopped trusting her. I stopped listening to her. I stopped calling. It wasn't until 1.8 years after our separation that I in fact had feelings for this woman.. but now she's long gone! I immediately saw a therapist... that's when they told me about GAD! I was so shocked! I wept and wept. I tried to apologize to this woman but it's far too late.


The sad part is I don't even remember all her attempts to get me back because I was always consumed by my own thoughts

"Do you really really love me?"

"what if shes lying"

"what if she has some kind of STD?"

"Do you love me? Are you sure?"

"Are you cheating on me?"
(2 second pause)
"What took you so long to answer"

when we were together I lost control of who I am. I didn't know I was ill and I hurt a woman who wanted nothing more than to start a family by a beach and live happily ever after. Mental illness is real. I'm taking medication. I've forgiven myself for what I didn't know. I've lost my best friend and now I feel like I'm wondering aimlessly through life. Who am I supposed to spend my life with? Who am I supposed to call when something's wrong? I lost the only person that knows me.. because I was becoming someone she didn't know. I'm happy shes happy.. I really am. But how do I find happiness and live with myself now?

posted by Toahthoy to Health & Fitness (2 answers total)

Response by poster: What baffles me the most about GAD is it made me forget about this woman for over a year. After we were together for 3. It's hard to love someone when you have an mental illness because you can only think about yourself.
posted by Toahthoy at 4:07 PM on December 15, 2015

There is no "The One." There is the 0.64 or 0.72 that we round up to The One. This person was not perfect. Idealizing her is not healthy for either of you. She was not The One. Maybe she was a 0.75. Maybe she was a 0.83. But she was not The One. You haven't been with her for almost two years. That ship has sailed. So wish her well and focus on finding a 0.85.

In the meantime, you are enough. You are going to spend your life with you - maybe someone else but definitely with you. You don't have to call anyone when something is wrong because you can take care of it because you are enough. You find happiness and live with yourself knowing that you are enough. There isn't anything missing. You don't need another person. You are enough.
posted by kat518 at 4:09 PM on December 15, 2015 [3 favorites]