What's in a name?
December 8, 2015 6:09 AM   Subscribe

Calling all nick-name and users of your non legal name. I've hit a snag. New work email at huge corporation has a legal name policy for email addresses and seeing my legal name all over the place constantly is making me a crazy person. Details below the fold.

I'm trying to decide to what degree to fight this. I asked HR and they said it has to run up the corporation flagpole and that it's essentially never done. But I can find out how to begin the process if I really want to pursue this.

I really, really, really despise my legal name. I go by a common nickname for this name and have since I was old enough to have a say.

I've freelanced with this company, in this department, for several years. Everyone there knows me and knows me by my nickname. I've only recently become a full time employee. I've already had several instances of "who the heck is "legal name"?!" Because it's literally a name they're never heard.

Lastly, this is not a card I want to use but is possibly helpful in understanding why this matters to me so much, my legal name is VERY feminine and my nickname is gender neutral (think Patricia - Pat or Samantha - Sam) which is important to me because I'm not feminine in the slightest. I also know that there's bias against female sounding names.

The bottom line is that Legal Name is a foreign person to me. I don't associate myself with it at all and it's, for the lack of a better word, frustrating to see it in conjunction with things I do.

I'm not looking for a yes man answer on this. Really, honestly, tell me if I'm being a baby about this or if it's worth the risk of causing waves to make myself comfortable.
posted by anonymous to Work & Money (43 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
 
What is keeping you from changing your legal name?
posted by Dashy at 6:13 AM on December 8, 2015 [37 favorites]


Worth the risk. I hear you. I hate my legal name and always have - like yours, it's very feminine and I am not; it is associated in my mind with abuse I endured as a kid while going by that name; it carries with it some stereotypes and obvious nicknames/mockery. I literally feel physically nauseated and go into a flight/flight response when I hear someone use it. Basically, I'm waiting for my parents to die to change it legally - they would see it as a total rejection of them and I could not conceal the change. I have not been able to change it at work and it makes my day measurably shittier.

If you have the option of a legal name change, though, that might be the easiest - you'd be able to explain to HR that you were just aligning your legal name with what you're called rather than getting into tricky details.

But christ, I hate my legal name. Even typing this is giving me raised heart rate and nausea.
posted by Frowner at 6:14 AM on December 8, 2015 [9 favorites]


Is there any reason you couldn't just legally change your name to the one you prefer?
posted by mareli at 6:14 AM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


Maybe you can replace the offending name with an initial, or just use the last name, that way it's still your legal name but doesnt make you so uncomfortable.

Instead of WeirdName@x.com it could be w.name@x.com or name@x.com
posted by cacao at 6:14 AM on December 8, 2015


You wouldn't necessarily even have to tell anyone in your family that you changed your name.
posted by mareli at 6:15 AM on December 8, 2015 [3 favorites]


I changed my legal name (for different reasons from yours) and work gave me a new email address practically without me even suggesting it.
posted by The Monkey at 6:28 AM on December 8, 2015


I don't think you're making too much of this. If nothing else, having an email address that people don't associate with you is a risk for mis-delivered mail. Why is some name policy more important than minimizing this sort of risk?

Several people at my company have this sort of email vs name mismatch. In some cases, myself included, my usual nickname is distinctly different from my legal name, but at least people see the connection. I still see hear about cases where emails go to the wrong place because people start typing my nickname and that autofills to be someone else and hilarity ensues. Other people have more that situation of no connection where someone is using their middle name as a nickname but their email address is their first name - the whole "who is Harry and how do I message David?".

I have been urged to changed my email to my nickname by my company, actually, to avoid confusion. But by that time point, my email with my formal name was established enough and I do not totally avoid using my legal name, so I continue with my legal name as the address and I guess people deal. I see that other people whose email names don't match the names they typically use have some sort of setup where they get the email addressed to both 'people' (so when I type davidsmith@company.com, it switches to become harrysmith@company.com). I hope people can at least search the email directory using your nickname to get your legal name? Otherwise, how can they find you? ANd then in some cases, yes, people just use the name that everyone already knows them by for their email address - why does email need to match?

tl;dr - can you play the card of promoting clear communication with your hr?
posted by Tandem Affinity at 6:28 AM on December 8, 2015 [3 favorites]


I used to work for a company with a similar policy, but one of my colleagues fought (successfully!) to have his changed on the grounds that nobody knew who the heck he was, and the mismatch caused confusion for his coworkers and clients. "This is the name I go by professionally" was the core argument. I'd definitely suggest continuing to fight it, and specifically asking if there's ever been an exception made.
posted by Tomorrowful at 6:33 AM on December 8, 2015 [30 favorites]


I know a person who has a normal nickname for a weird-ass first name (Think something like Bart, vs Bartelbush). We are fortunate in that our organization has both 'legal name' and 'professional name' spots in the directory. The person I know has excised all mention of Bartelbush outside the 'legal name' slot, and uses Bart as their professional name.

Perhaps you could speak with your HR department about designating a professional name vs a legal name (this also comes up with me - due to my publication history, I am professionally First Middle Maiden, but legally First Middle Maiden Spouselast because I have interracial children and I wanted to share a name with them since I was concerned I might not share a lot of appearance.)

Point being, it's reasonable for your organization to have some kind of official policy, but there are many reasons a person might want an officially designated professional name that differs from their legal name.
posted by telepanda at 6:35 AM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


I wouldn't make waves over it. They have a policy to make things easier for everyone down the line, they get new hire paperwork, send it to IT , IT creates accounts, done. I work in IT for a large place, although not in the accounts department, but I don't think they ever deviate from using legal names.

If you dislike your name you should change it, and then all your accounts, paperwork and paychecks will have the name you do like.
posted by MadMadam at 6:36 AM on December 8, 2015 [3 favorites]


Oh, god, I keep going through this.

I use my middle name, and a nickname version of that. I have just been fighting this fight since my employer got taken over.

Look you are an adult and you get to decide what you're called. Some other person does not get to make that decision for you and neither does a corporation. Additionally, NO ONE WILL KNOW WHO YOU ARE. It's confusing to clients and coworkers. Additionally this is dehumanizing and ridiculous.

My org did it like this (apparently, what a stupid mess): there is an email address that is assigned to me that is "firstinitial-lastname" and then there is an alias that is assigned to that one that is "preferred-name-initial-lastname." I worked for a BANK and didn't have to do this, but who knows. This apparently has settled the issue.
posted by Medieval Maven at 6:37 AM on December 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


You might talk with IT about casually adding the nickname as an alias for your formal name.
posted by nickggully at 6:49 AM on December 8, 2015 [6 favorites]


You ask if it's worth the risk to cause waves. Do you think there will be some kind of blowback if you try? You're asking for a new email address, not uncovering evidence of corruption; I should think if you try and fail, it's not going to be held against you (correct me if I'm wrong). And no, you're not being a baby about this!

I think you should feel free to start the process, even if it's unlikely to succeed. You may as well try it, and there shouldn't be any downside.
posted by ejs at 6:53 AM on December 8, 2015


I think explaining to your employer "nobody knows who Samantha is. Everyone knows me as Sam. I don't want to have to waste work time explaining my name to everybody I interact with."

My name is Jennifer but I strictly go by Jen, to the point where even my parents and grandma call me Jen now. It got easier to convince "official" people to call me Jen when I started using Jen on my resume and linkedin. People even write checks to me with Jen and my bank accepts them no problem. One time at my old workplace an official letter came for me addressed to Jennifer, and literally four people stood around scratching their heads wondering who the heck Jennifer was. Hello.

Jennifer doesn't exist anywhere except legal government forms. I am Jen to everyone I know, I am Jen on the internet (you can find me if you google for Jen--I do not exist if you google for Jennifer), I am Jen in my professional life. Jennifer would add a needless layer of obfuscation and prevent me from seamlessly interacting with the world. I would personally push for this.
posted by phunniemee at 6:58 AM on December 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


My org's compromise is similar to Medieval Maven's: email address that is assigned is "firstinitial-middleinitial-lastname" and then there is an alias that is assigned to that one that is "preferred-name-lastname" (In the few cases where people share the same initials and last name, they just add a number, i.e. jrsmith Jane Smith, and jrsmith2 John Smith).

Just off the top of my head, I can think of five people I know with "official aliases": three who use a nickname based on their first name, two who always go by their middle names, and one with a nickname they always use (Daisy instead of Gertrude) that has no relation to any of their names. Those are the names they always use, even professionally, and the workplace acknowledges it by including it in email and all company directories, including online.

Lest you think it is not worth it to push it with your company, you should know that my org. is a government one, so if the government can do it, so can your workplace!
posted by gudrun at 6:59 AM on December 8, 2015


I think you've got a very good case, since you're already well established as "Sam Jones" (or whatever) at the company and "Samantha" is causing confusion. And if you're in a role where you need to communicate with clients, having your email address match your professional name will facilitate communication.

You won't get anywhere with the sexism angle, sadly, because even though it's true, any company will deny it.
posted by Metroid Baby at 6:59 AM on December 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


I work in HR and find it very surprising that they don't have the scope to have 'Legal First Name' and 'Preferred First Name'?
posted by ellieBOA at 7:08 AM on December 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


I've done IT support with DOD, so I'm speaking from the experience of large systems with pretty stringent rules. You can try causing waves, but I'm not sure it's going to get you anywhere with HR.

However, "don't cause waves" shouldn't be the equivalent of "do nothing." This is your NAME. It's important! It's WHO YOU ARE.

Short-term recommendation: Put in a ticket with IT to ask if it is possible to set up a display name or alias (much like the legal vs. professional name fields mentioned above). Our system will let people change the display name by creating variations on a legal name such as showing only an initial or adding a nickname after the legal name, so then while your email would still be samantha.anonymous@company.com, the address book could list you as "Anonymous, S. (Sam)" or something like that. The alias is where they could set up another address that would direct messages to the same mailbox, which is often done when someone has a legal name change (usually for marriage/divorce). It would be best if you could do both, because then you'd have both an address book listing and an actual email address that matches your preferred name, but IT may not be able to do the alias without a legal name change.

Long-term recommendation: Do consider the legal name change, especially now that this situation is showing you how strongly you do not identify with your legal name.

I had a co-worker who went by his middle name his whole life and absolutely hated his legal first name. It was never a problem until he started working with DOD and hit the legal name requirement. He muddled through for about two years with the display name thing showing him as "Person, F. Middle" but he got annoyed with having to type his legal name-based username all the time or even see it when he did things like digital signatures. He finally decided to do a legal name change where he swapped the first and middle, and he has been much much happier since then.
posted by scarnato at 7:12 AM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


I think It is worth the risk / bother both because of how much it bothers you and because not having the email match what everyone calls you will continue to cause confusion with other employees and, if applicable, clients.

Also, feel free to legally change your name. I think it will make your life easier over the coming decades.
posted by Area Man at 7:16 AM on December 8, 2015


Change your name legally.

Go to HR with the name change.
posted by jbenben at 7:23 AM on December 8, 2015 [3 favorites]


HR is just being lazy, this is possible and normal at many large organizations. You shouldn't feel bad about this at all, ask for what you need.
posted by Gor-ella at 7:48 AM on December 8, 2015 [2 favorites]


Also, if Jimmy Carter could sign federal bills as Jimmy, not James, your company should be able to deal with this.
posted by SLC Mom at 7:57 AM on December 8, 2015 [17 favorites]


It's pretty easy to change your name- I'd get it changed legally and be done with it forever.

To change your name, submit a petition to your local Superior Court that details the reasons you'd like to change your name. After the court approves your request, you'll then need to update your Social Security card, driver's license and passport.
posted by bkeene12 at 8:33 AM on December 8, 2015


Depending on the size of the company, fighting this might do more harm than good. Big companies with naming conventions are not going to care that your snowflake needs enough to break policy--and they'll probably remember the fuss you put up (for better or worse).

I do a lot of work with megacorp pharma companies. They have very rigid conventions, as a rule. I have one contact at a company that uses the three-initials approach. This poor persons name is something like Azad Shepherd Smith, so his email address is ASS@xyz.org. There is no way he and his HR department didn't fight that (and lose).
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 8:34 AM on December 8, 2015


I'm in the same boat as you. Feminine legal name, gender-neutral preferred name, butch gender presentation. I don't know about your corporate culture and whether or not this would be viewed favorably, but I'm making it my mission in life to make sure every single person in the company—not just me—is addressed by the name that makes them most comfortable. It will be worth whatever hassle it causes IT and HR. What you're having is a bad work experience, and I bet you are not the only one. If your company doesn't understand that and want to fix it, their priorities are off. This seemingly small detail is actually one that could lose them valuable talent, and it's almost certainly affecting employee engagement. Remember, there is a business reason for them to do this. That is what will be important to communicate if you choose to pursue this.

Also, for those asking about whether or not OP can change their legal name, OP probably would have mentioned this if it were an option. They likely have their reasons, as I have mine.
posted by lieber hair at 8:50 AM on December 8, 2015 [5 favorites]


Policies like this get made for a reason, not just to drive you crazy. It's when they're applied unthinkingly that it drives you crazy.

So find out what the reason behind the policy is. It's probably to avoid looking unprofessional in external communications or something like that. If your nickname isn't unprofessional-sounding, like "Skippy" or something (which it probably isn't), your nickname isn't violating the spirit of the policy.

The trick is A) finding the reason for the policy, and B) getting someone to apply judgment, which is literally, exactly what bureaucracies are designed to avoid.
posted by adamrice at 8:52 AM on December 8, 2015


Before you change your name legally if you do that, make sure they will change your email address. My former company refused to do that for several of my logins because they said it was "too hard." They figured that my legal name was updated in their records, but the login wasn't important. My current company refuses to change emails for people--including my boss-- who have a legal name in another language but use an English name in all other contexts, and it causes a lot of problems...but no problems IT actually has to deal with, so they don't care. But if you're like me, seeing your original name is like a little bit of poison every time, and it's not worth living with that every damn day. I say go for it and choose this battle.

You should definitely fight it and make it clear to HR that it needs to be changed for your comfort. They can do it and they should. My suggestion would be to find out who is responsible in IT and show up in person, because it's much harder to refuse a request to someone's face. And if you still get a refusal, confirm what they said in email and make a complaint. Sorry you have to deal with this. People are weird about names.
posted by blnkfrnk at 8:53 AM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


You should fight this because it's an incredibly stupid policy that insists the tyranny of the computer database is more important than efficiency or communication clarity, and that's the kind of bad habit that makes a company sclerotic and unable to deliver results for clients and stakeholders. DEFAULTING to your legal name is one thing, but the company must obviously be able to provide alternatives for people who use a different name professionally or when they have two employees with the same name ("No, John Robert Smith and John Robert Smith, you must SHARE ONE E-MAIL BOX because we have a STRICT LEGAL NAME POLICY and can make no exceptions or adjustments.").
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 9:10 AM on December 8, 2015 [9 favorites]


Seconding the suggestion to get IT to add an alias. It's trivial in most mail systems, and IT people can often be bribed with treats (cookies, brownies, etc.) and beer (but respect your workplace rules, natch). It's doubtful that alias are explicitly prohibited, and what which is not forbidden is de facto allowed.

They can also help you set your outgoing emails to reflect this email address.

Are you going to have company business cards? If so, then I suggest you fight this sucker with HR, though. And, feel free to fight them with cookies and brownies too. HR are people; they enforce policies that might've been established for important legal reasons and might've been established because someone liked the sound of it, and they often have no idea which is which if it's out of their particular area.
posted by Sunburnt at 9:42 AM on December 8, 2015


I of course don't know what jurisdiction you're in, but in California, you can change your name legally merely by using your chosen name enough that it becomes the name you're known by. It's worth a google search for your locality to find out whether you can do so and whether you can argue to HR that you have in fact done so.

My sister changed her first name like that. I changed my last name going through the regular court process, and it was too easy for words. Also extremely satisfying to be asked to explain my reasons to the court, have the judge agree that my reasons were sound (all they care about is that you aren't defrauding anyone), and to have a court order making me official. It was also kind of lovely to be in court waiting my turn when someone changed their name to match their chosen gender. I felt like I was watching a birth. Okay that was beside the point, but still, it was lovely. It was almost 20 years ago and I still think of it very fondly.
posted by janey47 at 10:13 AM on December 8, 2015 [3 favorites]


Fight it. Honestly, if a contact doesn't think of you as *Samantha they won't know to email you that way. It makes the most sense for your email to be your preferred name since that will make business easier for everyone across the board.

Don't go to HR with your feelings on the topic (even though they are important), go with a business case. X number of contacts express surprise when I give them my email address. Y number of people tell me they've had to resend emails wasting z amount of time because they made assumptions about it. I don't know if they will bend, as some companies are so strangely strict about this, but they might be more willing if you give them a reason its good for them.
posted by GilvearSt at 11:02 AM on December 8, 2015


"I of course don't know what jurisdiction you're in, but in California, you can change your name legally merely by using your chosen name enough that it becomes the name you're known by. It's worth a google search for your locality to find out whether you can do so and whether you can argue to HR that you have in fact done so. "

This is not true. You can use whatever name you like, so long as you are not using that name to misrepresent or defraud, but changing your legal name still involves paperwork filed with the state. The org I used to work for passed several laws, largely focused on the transgender community, simplifying the process to do things like eliminate the public hearing and reduce the notice requirements, but you do not change your legal name merely by going by another. Overall, it's not tremendously difficult, but it is still more involved than that.

As to the OP's question, another tack may be claiming that it's not your name because your first name is a family name. I've known a couple people who have managed to do this at e.g. giant accounting firms — i.e. "Robert isn't my name; my name is Matt. Robert is my dad." This was slightly different in two ways: First, family names like that are more common for guys than women, and second, they were generally changing from a first name they didn't use to a middle name that they did. Still, it might be worth a try to feel out HR on that rationale — that the first name doesn't accurately describe you and would be confusing for both coworkers and clients.

With regard to gender issues, if you are in California, HR notionally can't penalize you for gender presentation, including name. Unfortunately, the distance between legal rights and enforceable rights means that your recourses are slight in most cases, but going from a feminine name to a gender neutral name should be a protected form of gender expression, since around 2010.
posted by klangklangston at 1:35 PM on December 8, 2015 [4 favorites]


New work email at huge corporation

I have several relatives that have worked for very large bureaucracies (federal government jobs) and I worked for a few years at a large bureaucracy (private sector large company). Large bureaucracies very often have big books full of regulations and often account for a variety of potential snags. If they have been around awhile, you are probably not the first person to have this issue.

So, before you get in a big snit and gear up psychologically for "making a fuss" or "going to battle" or what have you, first find out what ALL the rules actually are. Do not take it on faith that they do not already have some rule that will handily accommodate you. It is incredibly common for there to be rules on the books that are not common knowledge. Look them up. Take your Official Rule Book with you to HR or IT and turn to page 437 where you have used bright yellow highlighter for the Rule In Question and point out to the uninformed ninny behind the desk who is telling you that I Can't Do That For You that not only can they do that, but they are required to do so, because The Book says so.

Pro tip from a career bureaucrat relative:

When there are two rules that cover X, use the one that best serves your needs and don't go asking for clarification ahead of time. Forgiveness is easier to get than permission.
posted by Michele in California at 1:50 PM on December 8, 2015 [3 favorites]


My legalname is Theora Joanne, and I go by Theora Jo since, basically, forever. I made it my name on my driver's license a long time ago, I use it for taxes, I use it on my resume, I-(, W-@, etc. So my employer knows me as Theora Jo (which you understand is a substitute for my ridiculously Midwestern, Catholic actual name). Start using everywhere you can.
posted by theora55 at 3:11 PM on December 8, 2015


I've done IT support with DOD, so I'm speaking from the experience of large systems with pretty stringent rules. You can try causing waves, but I'm not sure it's going to get you anywhere with HR.

I also work for a large government agency, and recently observed a coworker changing his last name for personal reasons (think something along the lines of going from "Dikk" to "Dee"); he was able to get his email address renamed (and searches for his old name point to his current address), so this is something that definitely should be doable without anyone batting an eye.
posted by psoas at 3:55 PM on December 8, 2015


Stop referring to it as your "nickname". If it is the name you go by in everyday life, it is your actual name. Start from that position.

If you have any evidence that will support this (eg, letters addressed to your preferred name, contracts signed under your preferred name, ID cards of any kind using your preferred name) use them in support.

Meanwhile, go change your name according to whatever process your state requires. It will save you hassle in the long run.
posted by robcorr at 4:26 PM on December 8, 2015


My work would not allow my email to be the name I have always gone by either. It had to be my legal name, which I have always gone by the initials of since that's gender neutral and I am trans. I just legally changed my name to the initials and gave myself a new middle name so no more feminine name for me! I am in Texas though, so it cost around $300 and two trips to the courthouse and done. Updating all the things took a while, but it has been worth it.
posted by beanytacos at 4:37 PM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


I work for a megacorp with a default email address policy. Plenty of people have email addresses where the first name doesn't follow the default policy but I can guarantee they didn't get it changed by going to HR. I doubt 9 out of 10 HR reps could get their own email address changed. I'd start by asking people in IT how email address changes come about and track it back up the line from there. At least at my megacorp, a lot of times all that is required for similar issues is an email to IT from my manager or at most from my manager's manager. That is, unless you try to get it done via HR.
posted by Carbolic at 7:38 PM on December 8, 2015 [1 favorite]


You might talk with IT about casually adding the nickname as an alias for your formal name.

Totally. I used to work in an IT department where we'd drink in the conference room on Fridays and get the sysadmins to register ridiculous aliases for us all. It's a piece of cake to do and they probably won't be too resistant unless it's a strict rule with consequences.
posted by bendy at 7:39 PM on December 8, 2015


I worked in the Feds and had trouble getting around this. It depended on the system as to what name they'd use.

In the corporate world, I merely dropped the offending name when I applied. I filled out all paperwork as my true name and never had an issue. That is a possibility for the future.
posted by Monday at 8:40 PM on December 8, 2015


tell me if I'm being a baby about this

Yes, you are being a baby about this. Let it go, or do what it takes to change your legal name to what you prefer to be called. Then, advise HR that your legal name has changed.
posted by Kwadeng at 12:26 AM on December 9, 2015


It's a stupid policy and you aren't being a baby about this. I'd bang on the "No one knows me by this name and no one will know who I am if you give me this email address". No one really cares about your feelings, but the fact that your co-workers and clients have no idea who this person is is a big deal.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 5:42 PM on December 9, 2015 [1 favorite]


I have gone by a chosen last name for the past 15 years and just finally 'got around' to changing my name legally. It's not really all that easy, and definitely not as simple as when you get married or divorced (they seem the have an express lane for that). It takes several months of process and filing with different agencies (Federal Social Security, State DMV, local newspaper posting for many weeks, etc) and hundreds of dollars. Other than clerks being surprised by an answer of 'Neither' when asking if the reason is divorce or marriage, the process didn't have any hiccups. I did it because I had the time and the money and it has felt so good to have it be official.

To those that say you're being a baby about this, they probably should think about the fact that this is your name, something intimately tied to your identity. That name isn't you, it's not who you are, who you present to be, or what other people know you as. And clearly you felt strongly enough to ask.

That being said, you're dealing with a corporation that is used to its rules and regulations in place for a reason. I definitely think you should fight it, but you need to sell it. Echoing Tomorrowful's suggestion, stress that it will cause confusion internally as well as externally, and may result in misdirected information. Be extremely understanding that this is the way they do things but that an exception should be made due to these extenuating circumstances and that it really would be better all around.
posted by sweetmarie at 4:02 PM on December 10, 2015


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