I need to hear you say it
October 7, 2015 5:10 PM Subscribe
I like to hear the words "I love you" more than my partner likes to say them. What to do?
We've been together over a year. He loves me. I know he does. The relationship is awesome. But he just doesn't say "I love you" very often. He will almost always respond in kind when I say it first, but I'm not sure how much time would go by if I didn't say it. I say it about twice a week right now, but I'd love to say and hear it more often.
We don't live together and see each other only a couple times a week due to busy lives, but we are in close contact - texting and/or talking on the phone daily. Again - I'm not insecure in the relationship! I know he's happy. He's very affectionate in person. I guess we just have different love languages or whatever.
I don't mind asking for what I want, but how can I do it in a way that is lighthearted rather than needy? I wouldn't mind texting him occasionally asking "do you love me?"...but that just seems so childish. So how do couples like us handle this?
We've been together over a year. He loves me. I know he does. The relationship is awesome. But he just doesn't say "I love you" very often. He will almost always respond in kind when I say it first, but I'm not sure how much time would go by if I didn't say it. I say it about twice a week right now, but I'd love to say and hear it more often.
We don't live together and see each other only a couple times a week due to busy lives, but we are in close contact - texting and/or talking on the phone daily. Again - I'm not insecure in the relationship! I know he's happy. He's very affectionate in person. I guess we just have different love languages or whatever.
I don't mind asking for what I want, but how can I do it in a way that is lighthearted rather than needy? I wouldn't mind texting him occasionally asking "do you love me?"...but that just seems so childish. So how do couples like us handle this?
I think you're spot on with the "love languages" thing. If I were you, I would say "I love you" as much as I wanted, and also spend some time thinking about how your partner says "I love you" in his own love language.
posted by i_am_a_fiesta at 5:15 PM on October 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by i_am_a_fiesta at 5:15 PM on October 7, 2015 [4 favorites]
Is there a specific thing or set of behaviors you do for him because you know it makes him melt? If there is, this gives you a starting point. "Partner - you know how you feel when I do X? That's the feeling I get hearing you say you love me, and I think it would be even better if you said it out of the blue sometimes."
This is very much related to the idea of love language, but put into concrete form as something he experiences and so might understand more viscerally. (And if he is an empathetic person, thus be more likely to follow up on.)
Good luck!
posted by Vigilant at 5:23 PM on October 7, 2015
This is very much related to the idea of love language, but put into concrete form as something he experiences and so might understand more viscerally. (And if he is an empathetic person, thus be more likely to follow up on.)
Good luck!
posted by Vigilant at 5:23 PM on October 7, 2015
Best answer: I say to my partner, "tell me something nice." (In a nice way, when we're snuggling or something.) My partner expresses his love through acts, not words but I've told him sometimes I just like to hear nice things. So he'll usually respond with something nice that happened with us that day or he'll say I love you.
posted by inevitability at 5:27 PM on October 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by inevitability at 5:27 PM on October 7, 2015 [2 favorites]
One of my favorite habits that my partner and I have is that we close all phone conversations and all goodbyes with an, "I love you." That way, until we speak or see one another again, the last thing that either of us has said to the other is that declaration.
Tell your partner that it's important for you to hear those words from him regularly and without prompting. Figure out an interval or event that will trigger him telling you those words. It's important to understand one another's love languages so that you can demonstrate to one another how you feel in ways that resonate. But, that means that if your love languages differ, you can both adopt behaviors outside of your native love language in order to give each other what you need. This is not an unreasonable or strange request. And, clearly communicating your needs isn't needy. If he treats this discussion and request as silly or dismisses it, I'd consider that a red flag.
posted by quince at 5:31 PM on October 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
Tell your partner that it's important for you to hear those words from him regularly and without prompting. Figure out an interval or event that will trigger him telling you those words. It's important to understand one another's love languages so that you can demonstrate to one another how you feel in ways that resonate. But, that means that if your love languages differ, you can both adopt behaviors outside of your native love language in order to give each other what you need. This is not an unreasonable or strange request. And, clearly communicating your needs isn't needy. If he treats this discussion and request as silly or dismisses it, I'd consider that a red flag.
posted by quince at 5:31 PM on October 7, 2015 [3 favorites]
In addition to the other conversation based suggestions, why not think about ways that you give yourself a "he loves me" message as often as you want? For example, ask him to get you one of those recordable greeting card with his voice saying "puppet, I love you!". Then you can hear it as often as you without worry. Or maybe a photo locket with a little heart drawn by him that you can look at whenever you want that little extra boost.Or what about a secret emojii that the two of you agree means "I love you" or "I'm thinking about you" that it easy to send when you are apart. The bizarre the choice of emoji the more it can be your own inside secret. (In other words, if the two of you decide that "flower skull lightening" means "the force of my love is forever" it will make for a fun, as well as loving connection when you send it to each other.
posted by metahawk at 5:44 PM on October 7, 2015
posted by metahawk at 5:44 PM on October 7, 2015
Asking for what you need in a relationship isn't needy.
"Honey, I know you love me, and you show that to me often in the way that you (whatever he does), but it also makes me happy to hear you say it out loud. Could you say "I love you" more often, please?"
At the same time, say it to him more often -- sign off txts that way at night, end phone calls by saying it, etc. The more he says it in response to you, the more it becomes part of your regular pattern of communication and the easier and less awkward it may feel for him to say it first.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:05 PM on October 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
"Honey, I know you love me, and you show that to me often in the way that you (whatever he does), but it also makes me happy to hear you say it out loud. Could you say "I love you" more often, please?"
At the same time, say it to him more often -- sign off txts that way at night, end phone calls by saying it, etc. The more he says it in response to you, the more it becomes part of your regular pattern of communication and the easier and less awkward it may feel for him to say it first.
posted by jacquilynne at 6:05 PM on October 7, 2015 [5 favorites]
I have a dear friend who feels just as you do. She has always been able to tell me *exactly* when he said it to her without prompting. And it's just a thing for her now. She knows it. It's a love language thing, as i_am_a_fiesta says.
But you know what else? When he says it without her saying it first, it means so much. SO much. And that makes it okay for her. I'm not saying that you need to take it the same way she does, but that may give you a way to process your thoughts.
posted by janey47 at 6:12 PM on October 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
But you know what else? When he says it without her saying it first, it means so much. SO much. And that makes it okay for her. I'm not saying that you need to take it the same way she does, but that may give you a way to process your thoughts.
posted by janey47 at 6:12 PM on October 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
Record him saying it and then play back the recording whenever you feel needy.
My ex said I love you all the time. He said it so much, it was almost a nervous tick. He couldn't say goodbye on a phone call without saying. But, he never showed it. And finally I realized that he actually didn't love me and I left. I now only spend time with men who show it before they say it because words are cheap and meaningless in the mouths of liars.
posted by myselfasme at 8:47 PM on October 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
My ex said I love you all the time. He said it so much, it was almost a nervous tick. He couldn't say goodbye on a phone call without saying. But, he never showed it. And finally I realized that he actually didn't love me and I left. I now only spend time with men who show it before they say it because words are cheap and meaningless in the mouths of liars.
posted by myselfasme at 8:47 PM on October 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think talking about this is a good idea. You say how you feel very nicely in your question and I think that it might be a bit of a scary conversation but that you have your head on straight and that you can communicate how you feel pretty well to him.
Personally I would not say "tell me you love me" because that doesn't seem like a dialogue, it seems like one person telling the other person what to do, and that can be very uncomfortable for some relationships or for some people. It would not make me feel good if I were told to tell someone I loved them, even if I did.
posted by sockermom at 9:16 PM on October 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
Personally I would not say "tell me you love me" because that doesn't seem like a dialogue, it seems like one person telling the other person what to do, and that can be very uncomfortable for some relationships or for some people. It would not make me feel good if I were told to tell someone I loved them, even if I did.
posted by sockermom at 9:16 PM on October 7, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I don't think you should ask him *whether* he loves you, if you say you know he does and feel it in his presence. That does sound insecure and a little manipulative, whether you mean it to or not. If the things he does text leave you feeling something's missing, either you are more insecure than you think, or you're not picking up on his meaning. (2nd looking to behaviour vs. words overall.)
But it sounds like you'd really just like to see him more often than you do, and you're wanting a proxy for his presence. What about making arrangements to see each other more regularly?
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:26 PM on October 7, 2015
But it sounds like you'd really just like to see him more often than you do, and you're wanting a proxy for his presence. What about making arrangements to see each other more regularly?
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:26 PM on October 7, 2015
I have this issue with my husband.
There are a couple things you can do: one, just accept you're not going to hear it so much. Let go of hoping to hear it on a schedule you'd like. I've done this. I don't hear it very much.
Two, figure out what is a good amount for you and tell him that. I had to tell my husband I'd like to hear it every day and he almost did a spit take! Every day?!! Was I nuts?!!
Three, look out for the ways that he shows you he loves you. My husband can be affectionate with me. Sometimes he kisses me when I'm in the kitchen, coming or going, or whatever. I'll take those as an "I love you."
It kind of worked. Because I gave him a specific "goal" of once a day instead of just "more often" I've heard it a little more.
But not every day. I have to let go of that.
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 3:46 AM on October 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
There are a couple things you can do: one, just accept you're not going to hear it so much. Let go of hoping to hear it on a schedule you'd like. I've done this. I don't hear it very much.
Two, figure out what is a good amount for you and tell him that. I had to tell my husband I'd like to hear it every day and he almost did a spit take! Every day?!! Was I nuts?!!
Three, look out for the ways that he shows you he loves you. My husband can be affectionate with me. Sometimes he kisses me when I'm in the kitchen, coming or going, or whatever. I'll take those as an "I love you."
It kind of worked. Because I gave him a specific "goal" of once a day instead of just "more often" I've heard it a little more.
But not every day. I have to let go of that.
posted by Piedmont_Americana at 3:46 AM on October 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
I've posted this before, but after trying to be nudgy, trying to be coy (which backfired cruelly) I basically had to sit my husband down and say LOOK I NEED YOU TO SAY YOU LOVE ME. I KNOW YOU LOVE ME. I NEED TO HEAR IT YOU SAY IT FIRST. SO SAY IT.
And now he does.
posted by Lucinda at 6:52 AM on October 8, 2015
And now he does.
posted by Lucinda at 6:52 AM on October 8, 2015
Best answer: My partner has a similar problem with expressing his love in those specific words. Here is my strategy, which is pretty similar to Piedmont_Americana's:
- I accepted that he's different from me in this regard and that he will never say it as often as I'd like and that I can't force him or change him.
- I told him that this is something that matters to me, and any effort would be appreciated. It's not helping much yet, but he is working on it.
- I recognise how he expresses his love in all the little things he does to make me happier. Sometimes when I notice one of those things, I literally imagine him saying the words.
- Finally, when I really need to hear it, I simply ask. He'll always answer 'Oh yes' with a sigh of sincere happiness, and often a warm smile, a kiss or a cuddle.
posted by Too-Ticky at 7:31 AM on October 8, 2015
- I accepted that he's different from me in this regard and that he will never say it as often as I'd like and that I can't force him or change him.
- I told him that this is something that matters to me, and any effort would be appreciated. It's not helping much yet, but he is working on it.
- I recognise how he expresses his love in all the little things he does to make me happier. Sometimes when I notice one of those things, I literally imagine him saying the words.
- Finally, when I really need to hear it, I simply ask. He'll always answer 'Oh yes' with a sigh of sincere happiness, and often a warm smile, a kiss or a cuddle.
posted by Too-Ticky at 7:31 AM on October 8, 2015
My boyfriend says it infrequently but he does A LOT of things that are his way of saying he loves me. So with time I've come to love and appreciate that, because I don't want him to have to change for me if it feels weird.
That being said, you've been together over a year, you should be able to talk to him about your needs without him thinking you're needy. If he does react that way I would reassess if he's right for you.
posted by shesbenevolent at 7:48 AM on October 8, 2015
That being said, you've been together over a year, you should be able to talk to him about your needs without him thinking you're needy. If he does react that way I would reassess if he's right for you.
posted by shesbenevolent at 7:48 AM on October 8, 2015
Jesus. If you have a need tell someone you need that thing.
Needy Is a concept men invented so we didn't have to do our fair share of .... laundry, gift giving, attending family engagements, smiling, making dinner, planning dates, asking insightful questions, pretty much everything.
"I need you to say I love you X often" a refusal of such a request is silly toxic masculine bullshit and inequitable treatment.
posted by French Fry at 8:55 AM on October 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
Needy Is a concept men invented so we didn't have to do our fair share of .... laundry, gift giving, attending family engagements, smiling, making dinner, planning dates, asking insightful questions, pretty much everything.
"I need you to say I love you X often" a refusal of such a request is silly toxic masculine bullshit and inequitable treatment.
posted by French Fry at 8:55 AM on October 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I like to be told "I love you" very regularly. Part of that is a neurotic need for reassurance and part of it is an actual need to hear it.
I say to my partner: "You love me." And then he replies, "Yeah," or, "I do love you."
It works because it's both my own affirmation to myself that I am loved, and it prompts him to say the words.
Try it on for size!
posted by cranberrymonger at 11:34 AM on October 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
I say to my partner: "You love me." And then he replies, "Yeah," or, "I do love you."
It works because it's both my own affirmation to myself that I am loved, and it prompts him to say the words.
Try it on for size!
posted by cranberrymonger at 11:34 AM on October 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
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posted by quincunx at 5:14 PM on October 7, 2015