Finding Gay People to Date

December 8, 2005 11:11 AM

I'm an still-in-the-closet (but perhaps soon to be out) gay man in his early 20s. What are the best ways to meet good-hearted, intelligent, and personable gay men in Boston (or generally), people who are interested in relationships and not just quick hookups?
posted by anonymous to human relations (17 comments total)

A friend of mine came out in his early 20's because his place of employment had a LGBT club - he met his first bf there.
posted by PurplePorpoise at 11:27 AM on December 8, 2005

IANAH, but I used to hike in the AMC with people who were in the Chiltern Mountain Club.

"Good-hearted, intelligent, and personable" describes most of the people in the AMC, and from what I understand the CMC is like the AMC, only gayer.
posted by bondcliff at 11:27 AM on December 8, 2005

A gay-friendly church?
posted by Alt F4 at 11:32 AM on December 8, 2005

Do you have any hobbies (like singing or camping) or political interests or professional interests (there are groups like GLISTEN for gay/lesbian teachers)? Scour the gay weeklies or any weeklies for these type things. That way you will meet people who have similar interests at least.
I do not know if you are a church go-er but you could always attend a church that is known to be gay-friendly (I would imagine Unitarian).
Not bars and clubs....my gay Boston pal has nothing good to say about the gay bar scene in Boston (but he probably says that when he is not getting lucky....)
Good Luck!
posted by TheLibrarian at 11:32 AM on December 8, 2005

.com dating services?
posted by xammerboy at 11:44 AM on December 8, 2005

Unfortunately there's no easy way to meet good-hearted, intelligent, and personable men in Boston, gay or not.

Snarkyness aside when I was circling around coming out in Boston, I met a bunch of folks online first in AOL chatrooms - bostonm4m, through craigslist, bear411 (if that's your cup of tea), even manhunt. All of these places have people that are just looking to hook up, but they definitely give you a way to start talking (emailing) local people and you can get a pretty good sense from there. Just make it clear what you are and aren't looking for.

Also, you can look around sites like MySpace and LiveJournal and you can get a better sense of what people are like. My email is in my profile if you want more specific advice.
posted by FreezBoy at 12:03 PM on December 8, 2005

This is the gay church I was thinking of in the Boston area. Craigslist has a lot of activity partner type things that can be gay oriented while not being hook-up specific. You can also browse through sites like this to see if your interest is piqued in any particular topic [soft tip darts? Armenians? rugby?] I'd also check out the gay blogger scene near you, just because it's a good way to get to check people out before you meet them (to see if they're smart and/or personable and maybe to get to know them a little first). Good luck.
posted by jessamyn at 12:23 PM on December 8, 2005

To answer your question in general, the type you seek is everywhere in Boston, you just have to figure out how to meet them -- you never know.

Specifically:

AltF4 has a good suggestion, there are some gay friendly churches in Boston (the one right in Back Bay pops to mind but I don't know the name and I'm sure there are others).

I'd second FreezBoy on checking out MySpace... and I'd add Friendster, and gay.com. If you have to put up a picture and want to remain anonymous, just put up a really fuzzy picture (but don't misrepresent yourself by using someone else's picture). These are both free and let you browse through people's profiles to see if there are any mutual interests. Or browse through match.com or yahoo personals and then set up a free trial account to test the waters.

Pick up a copy of Bay Windows or In NewsWeekly or check out TheEdge and see if they have any listings for events or activity groups (political, volunteer, etc.) that seem interesting. Maybe volunteer at one of the gay theater productions as stage crew or as an usher.

If your into sports, try joining one of the *many* gay sports teams -- anything from flag football, softball, bowling, etc.

If you have any ties to the local colleges, most of them have regular "events" on campus... the annual gay Harvard party comes to mind, and I know MIT sometimes has events. Get a friend to invite you.

Good luck...
posted by jerryg99 at 12:51 PM on December 8, 2005

Have you tried Friendster?

Believe it or not, this is a great way to meet not-so-crazy people who are nearby. You can search for gay people on Friendster that are close to you in your social network, and close to you geographically as well. The great thing about this is that you already probably will have friends in common with this person, which is a really great way to break the ice. I've met some great people (both friends and romantic interests) on Friendster, and I highly recommend it.
posted by superboy422 at 1:12 PM on December 8, 2005

I met my sweetie through Onion Personals. A bit more quirky than other personals, and I've met many genuinely interesting people through this setup.
posted by Rothko at 3:14 PM on December 8, 2005

I'd also advise against gay.com, as that is strictly for the hookup.
posted by Rothko at 3:15 PM on December 8, 2005

Come out. A lot of good-hearted, intelligent, and personable gay men won't date people in the closet, fair or not.
posted by gramcracker at 3:59 PM on December 8, 2005

What are the best ways to meet good-hearted, intelligent, and personable gay men in Boston (or generally), people who are interested in relationships and not just quick hookups?

Everyone has contributed some great practical advice: get out there and do things that engage you. Volunteer, check the activity partners listings, investigate other types of organized activity. I agree that Chiltern rocks, as well.

Personally, I'd say you shouldn't limit yourself to gay organizations or gay events, as there are so many LGBTQ people in Boston that you're liable to run into them doing almost anything. You're better off being the person you are, pursuing your true passions, and perhaps meeting likeminded people along the way than you are trying to stuff yourself into a social mold that doesn't fit just for the sake of meeting guys. If you have real interests, you'll meet real people.

As for Gay.com, Manhunt, etc etc etc, they are what you make of them, I think. I've met some of my best friends and some fun (non-sexual) activity partners from the online world, but it's the sort of thing you have to approach with zero expectations. Online is really just a microcosm of the rest of the world, in my opinion; you'll get just as many kind and interesting people as you will creeps.

The more jaded among us may criticize Boston for being a difficult city to break into socially, but I take the karmic approach: live your life richly and with integrity, and people will gravitate towards that. Sickly-sweet though it sounds, I think it's true. And it beats the alternatives, right?
posted by mykescipark at 4:06 PM on December 8, 2005

MIT sometimes has events...

The LGBT community at MIT is actually really active, and quite welcoming to non-MIT people. If you want to be connected with a few individuals who would be good resources, let me know by email.

You might also like the school's resource list. That link will get you to the "Lavender Guide" and events and newsletter. There's also a bunch of student groups that run events and have pretty active mailing lists, but I'd have to ask above friends for the names of those.
posted by whatzit at 4:21 PM on December 8, 2005

grah. ...names of those mailing lists.
posted by whatzit at 4:22 PM on December 8, 2005

Yes, Harvard and MIT both have active and interesting communities and resources. There are frequently fun social activities connected with both.

If you aren't afraid of dipping a toe into the bar/lounge scene, you could do a lot worse than the "Grad Students' Social" at Club Cafe the first Friday of every month. If young, preppy, intelligent, and (it must be said) predominantly white university kids are your sorta crowd, it's worth stopping by from 7 to 9. (Caveat: their Web site is hideous, so try here for alternative info.)
posted by mykescipark at 4:40 PM on December 8, 2005

Unfortunately there's no easy way to meet good-hearted, intelligent, and personable men in Boston, gay

i've lived in boston for 25 years and it hasn't happened yet!
posted by brandz at 7:23 PM on December 8, 2005