Could this be an eating disorder?
September 11, 2015 6:15 AM Subscribe
Are my husband's "picky eater" behaviors actually an eating disorder? If not, what can cause his chronic lack of appetite?
My husband has always been a picky eater, in the sense that he likes some specific kinds of food, and also that he does not like to be too full.
He is fit, technically a little underweight. He is conventionally handsome in a “thin male model” way, which makes things a little complicated, because he gets positive reinforcement from people around him for an image that may be the result of not so healthy eating habits. When I met him (11 years ago, in our teens) he was extremely underweight. He does look much healthier now.
He knows he does not eat enough, and he has in the past struggled to gain weight (for looks and health), but he could never keep it on. During those attempts to gain weight he seemed so miserable force-feeding himself that I kind of convinced him to make an effort to just be at peace with his image and concentrate on eating healthy and as often as he could (as often as he could was 2 times a day, 3 if I insisted). He does try, but for a couple of months now I am starting to worry that he does have an eating disorder. My clues:
-Sometimes I get home from work (~6pm) and I find his breakfast almost untouched on the table, which to me signals he ate almost nothing in the whole day. He is a little evasive if I ask him.
-Sometimes he tells me he had lunch, but I don’t see any dishes and no evidence that he actually ate. A couple of times I have found food I left for him intact in the trash.
-Often, at dinnertime I set the table but he doesn’t eat at all, and tells me he will eat later. Once in a while I see him actually eating later, but it just seems like such an odd thing to do. Most times I go to bed and I don’t know if he actually ate or not. Sometimes I find his plate neatly placed in the fridge, covered with another plate, untouched.
-If he does eat at dinnertime, it can take a couple of hours (this is not an exaggeration) during which he eats a little, but never more than half of his plate. I can see him suffering through the whole process.
-Often when he eats, it’s like a chore. He stuffs himself just to get it over with.
-About once a month, he will sit down and eat a ridiculous amount of food (sweets, junk food), but I don’t want to say too much because hey at least it’s calories.
-I don’t have a lot of details on this, but I know at some point in his early teens he was so unwilling to eat his parents took him to the hospital and he was tube fed.
In the time I have known him, he has also said things that gave me pause, like how if he had a choice, he would have pills instead of food, or how he loves coffee and cigarettes because they kill your appetite. The thing is he also had no trouble giving them up; he hasn’t drunk coffee in like a year, and he hasn’t smoked in 7 years. He has also said liquid things are easier for him to swallow, and so this week he has started having protein shakes instead of dinner, and I make thin oatmeal for breakfast. I also sometimes make non liquid breakfasts, because I don’t want him to get used to just having liquids.
He agrees with me that he does not eat well, and he says he just doesn’t feel like eating. He is a little worried about it. I don’t know if this is just normal “picky eater” behavior, or if there is something serious going on there. Like I said before, he is a little on the thin side, but he is very healthy, active, and energetic. His lack of appetite is getting worse and worse, though. He already sees a therapist for some mild anxiety issues, and initially we thought his lack of appetite might be because of anxiety, but he has been going to therapy for some time now, and he is eating less and less.
Do you think this might be an eating disorder? If so, what to do?
He recently went for a physical and they told him he was in perfect health. Could there be another cause for his lack of appetite?
My husband has always been a picky eater, in the sense that he likes some specific kinds of food, and also that he does not like to be too full.
He is fit, technically a little underweight. He is conventionally handsome in a “thin male model” way, which makes things a little complicated, because he gets positive reinforcement from people around him for an image that may be the result of not so healthy eating habits. When I met him (11 years ago, in our teens) he was extremely underweight. He does look much healthier now.
He knows he does not eat enough, and he has in the past struggled to gain weight (for looks and health), but he could never keep it on. During those attempts to gain weight he seemed so miserable force-feeding himself that I kind of convinced him to make an effort to just be at peace with his image and concentrate on eating healthy and as often as he could (as often as he could was 2 times a day, 3 if I insisted). He does try, but for a couple of months now I am starting to worry that he does have an eating disorder. My clues:
-Sometimes I get home from work (~6pm) and I find his breakfast almost untouched on the table, which to me signals he ate almost nothing in the whole day. He is a little evasive if I ask him.
-Sometimes he tells me he had lunch, but I don’t see any dishes and no evidence that he actually ate. A couple of times I have found food I left for him intact in the trash.
-Often, at dinnertime I set the table but he doesn’t eat at all, and tells me he will eat later. Once in a while I see him actually eating later, but it just seems like such an odd thing to do. Most times I go to bed and I don’t know if he actually ate or not. Sometimes I find his plate neatly placed in the fridge, covered with another plate, untouched.
-If he does eat at dinnertime, it can take a couple of hours (this is not an exaggeration) during which he eats a little, but never more than half of his plate. I can see him suffering through the whole process.
-Often when he eats, it’s like a chore. He stuffs himself just to get it over with.
-About once a month, he will sit down and eat a ridiculous amount of food (sweets, junk food), but I don’t want to say too much because hey at least it’s calories.
-I don’t have a lot of details on this, but I know at some point in his early teens he was so unwilling to eat his parents took him to the hospital and he was tube fed.
In the time I have known him, he has also said things that gave me pause, like how if he had a choice, he would have pills instead of food, or how he loves coffee and cigarettes because they kill your appetite. The thing is he also had no trouble giving them up; he hasn’t drunk coffee in like a year, and he hasn’t smoked in 7 years. He has also said liquid things are easier for him to swallow, and so this week he has started having protein shakes instead of dinner, and I make thin oatmeal for breakfast. I also sometimes make non liquid breakfasts, because I don’t want him to get used to just having liquids.
He agrees with me that he does not eat well, and he says he just doesn’t feel like eating. He is a little worried about it. I don’t know if this is just normal “picky eater” behavior, or if there is something serious going on there. Like I said before, he is a little on the thin side, but he is very healthy, active, and energetic. His lack of appetite is getting worse and worse, though. He already sees a therapist for some mild anxiety issues, and initially we thought his lack of appetite might be because of anxiety, but he has been going to therapy for some time now, and he is eating less and less.
Do you think this might be an eating disorder? If so, what to do?
He recently went for a physical and they told him he was in perfect health. Could there be another cause for his lack of appetite?
Yes, this sounds like he has, at the very least, a really fraught relationship with food and eating, and some control issues.
Don't know what you'd do about it, honestly. Tons of positive affirmation and a long, slow, measured campaign of encouraging him to talk to a therapist, perhaps. I wouldn't make it about the eating, though. I would make it about ease, enjoyment of life, relaxation, pleasure, living free of dread.
Good luck. This is a tough one.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 6:38 AM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Don't know what you'd do about it, honestly. Tons of positive affirmation and a long, slow, measured campaign of encouraging him to talk to a therapist, perhaps. I wouldn't make it about the eating, though. I would make it about ease, enjoyment of life, relaxation, pleasure, living free of dread.
Good luck. This is a tough one.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 6:38 AM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Just wanted to share another possibility/perspective, which is that it could be that the part of his brain that gets signals that he is hungry is broken, so he is never hungry, and as a result of a lifetime of pressure/issues with this, he's developed a complex about it that results in his anxiety, control issues over food, and anorectic behavior.
My family's brain-stomach communication lines are pretty screwed up, but it's usually the other way around, most everyone does not get the "I'm full" signal and is varying degrees of obese. My mother is the opposite and is never, ever hungry. She has to set a timer for meal times. She has spent her life dangerously underweight; she's the only woman I know who deliberately/desperately tried to gain weight for her daughter's wedding. FWIW, she also had dysphagia as a child which she thinks started the complex she has about it. (If your husband is also dysphagic or was as a child, that's a notable parallel.)
My mom is a normally functioning adult right now with a few modifications, including the timer on her phone that beeps at mealtimes, and the addition of caloric additives to her foods. She sometimes still prefers a caloric shake to a meal of solid food, and that's ok. But she is on board with it - she knows that as she gets older, her limited food intake is going to result in problems. She already has osteoporosis and she has almost no body fat, so if she has a fall she is going to shatter. That's a real concern. Your thin husband, in ten years time, could go from thin to frail, that is the progression. It could be that he needs someone - doctors, you, family - to say "If you're really never hungry, I believe you and you don't need to dance around the issue, I accept you the way you are. But even so, let's figure out some workarounds so you can have a long healthy life because this is going to catch up with you."
posted by juniperesque at 6:58 AM on September 11, 2015 [26 favorites]
My family's brain-stomach communication lines are pretty screwed up, but it's usually the other way around, most everyone does not get the "I'm full" signal and is varying degrees of obese. My mother is the opposite and is never, ever hungry. She has to set a timer for meal times. She has spent her life dangerously underweight; she's the only woman I know who deliberately/desperately tried to gain weight for her daughter's wedding. FWIW, she also had dysphagia as a child which she thinks started the complex she has about it. (If your husband is also dysphagic or was as a child, that's a notable parallel.)
My mom is a normally functioning adult right now with a few modifications, including the timer on her phone that beeps at mealtimes, and the addition of caloric additives to her foods. She sometimes still prefers a caloric shake to a meal of solid food, and that's ok. But she is on board with it - she knows that as she gets older, her limited food intake is going to result in problems. She already has osteoporosis and she has almost no body fat, so if she has a fall she is going to shatter. That's a real concern. Your thin husband, in ten years time, could go from thin to frail, that is the progression. It could be that he needs someone - doctors, you, family - to say "If you're really never hungry, I believe you and you don't need to dance around the issue, I accept you the way you are. But even so, let's figure out some workarounds so you can have a long healthy life because this is going to catch up with you."
posted by juniperesque at 6:58 AM on September 11, 2015 [26 favorites]
Best answer: Some people hate eating. Whether it's a disorder depends on whether it reduces health and causes distress (it sounds like it does). Some people need to take measures to ensure they have proper nutritional intake, including adequate dietary fiber, vitamins, and minerals.
Steps to take:
1. Maintain a food diary recording exactly what is eaten, in what amounts, for about 3 or 4 weeks. Maybe you can both do it.
2. Speak to a doctor about the specific issue. Get requisite additional blood tests for nutritional health.
3. Doctors are not always very well trained in nutrition. Consult a registered dietitian about a maintenance diet (not to gain or lose weight). Bring blood results and food diary. This step is for your education... it doesn't have to be ongoing.
4. Speak to the therapist about the anxiety surrounding eating.
5. Give your husband the reins on his own eating. You can help, but he's in charge.
The end result you want is a) overall maintenance of weight and b) permanent reduction of stress around eating.
posted by zennie at 7:05 AM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Steps to take:
1. Maintain a food diary recording exactly what is eaten, in what amounts, for about 3 or 4 weeks. Maybe you can both do it.
2. Speak to a doctor about the specific issue. Get requisite additional blood tests for nutritional health.
3. Doctors are not always very well trained in nutrition. Consult a registered dietitian about a maintenance diet (not to gain or lose weight). Bring blood results and food diary. This step is for your education... it doesn't have to be ongoing.
4. Speak to the therapist about the anxiety surrounding eating.
5. Give your husband the reins on his own eating. You can help, but he's in charge.
The end result you want is a) overall maintenance of weight and b) permanent reduction of stress around eating.
posted by zennie at 7:05 AM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
I am not a doctor, but it's also possible this could be a sensory thing. Without giving too much detail, this sounds somewhat like the former eating habits of a member of my family who is on the autism spectrum and has some related sensory processing issues. (Recently, this person became more concerned with nutrition and eating a balanced diet because of some other health issues.) This family member also sometimes just forgets to eat meals, because food isn't very important to them and they do not eat for pleasure.
posted by capricorn at 7:39 AM on September 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by capricorn at 7:39 AM on September 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
I am a very skinny person who's had to deal with accusations of an eating disorder based on nothing but the accuser's idiosyncratic opinions re. what normal appetite or eating speed look like. Perhaps my read of your question is colored by those unfortunate experiences but I am just not seeing a whole lot to be worried about, especially since you say that your husband just had a physical and was told he was in perfect health.
To address some of your specific points:
-Sometimes I get home from work and I find his breakfast almost untouched on the table, which to me signals he ate almost nothing in the whole day. He is a little evasive if I ask him.
-Sometimes he tells me he had lunch, but I don’t see any dishes and no evidence that he actually ate. A couple of times I have found food I left for him intact in the trash.
-About once a month, he will sit down and eat a ridiculous amount of food (sweets, junk food)
This - and your whole question to be honest - reads to me as heavy policing of his eating. So maybe he didn't feel like eating whatever it was that you made on that particular day, or was busy and skipped breakfast or lunch. And what if he decides to pig out every once in a while, is that not something we all do?
And he has thrown your food out ONLY a "couple of times"? That is... a nearly perfect record.
- If he does eat at dinnertime, it can take a couple of hours (this is not an exaggeration) during which he eats a little, but never more than half of his plate.
I eat very slowly too, to the point where my friends joke that it's a violation of human rights to eat with me! It maybe inconvenient if you are in a hurry but is not a sign of an eating disorder, and I would dare say it's actually healthy and that most people eat too fast. It is also fairly well established that the feeling of satiety is 10-20 minutes delayed so for those of us who eat slowly, that feeling is actually "better" calibrated and more in sync with when it's time to stop eating. (Not to mention that american portions tend to be mind-bogglingly huge so eating half the plate can actually be very healthy).
-he does not like to be too full
-Often when he eats, it’s like a chore
It may be unrelatable to you but to a lot of people, food IS a chore. There is a hugely popular product out right now called "Soylent" that caters to those people so it's not that unusual. I think it's hard for people with a high appetite to imagine having a low appetite without some kind of pathology so perhaps it would be easier for you if you think about all the people who are perfectly healthy and yet have little interest in sex, or all those people who don't like to exercise because they just don't seem to catch that endorphin high, or socially well-adjusted introverts, for that matter. Same goes for the feeling of fullness - some people feel hungry without it, and some people (like me) feel that it's almost a literal rock in their stomach if they ate to the point of "fullness".
He is fit, technically a little underweight.
I have been accused of being underweight by every single website that I've ever plugged my weight into. I dare say that those BMI ranges are seriously skewed by the averages brought on by the first world obesity epidemic. By those measures, our entire grandparents' generation and the whole Asian continent are officially underweight! If your husband has no health issues and does not experience low energy, he is by definition not unhealthy. Stop policing his food intake and focus on specific issues such as possible difficulty swallowing or possible unprocessed trauma related to his teenage hospitalization.
posted by rada at 8:01 AM on September 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
To address some of your specific points:
-Sometimes I get home from work and I find his breakfast almost untouched on the table, which to me signals he ate almost nothing in the whole day. He is a little evasive if I ask him.
-Sometimes he tells me he had lunch, but I don’t see any dishes and no evidence that he actually ate. A couple of times I have found food I left for him intact in the trash.
-About once a month, he will sit down and eat a ridiculous amount of food (sweets, junk food)
This - and your whole question to be honest - reads to me as heavy policing of his eating. So maybe he didn't feel like eating whatever it was that you made on that particular day, or was busy and skipped breakfast or lunch. And what if he decides to pig out every once in a while, is that not something we all do?
And he has thrown your food out ONLY a "couple of times"? That is... a nearly perfect record.
- If he does eat at dinnertime, it can take a couple of hours (this is not an exaggeration) during which he eats a little, but never more than half of his plate.
I eat very slowly too, to the point where my friends joke that it's a violation of human rights to eat with me! It maybe inconvenient if you are in a hurry but is not a sign of an eating disorder, and I would dare say it's actually healthy and that most people eat too fast. It is also fairly well established that the feeling of satiety is 10-20 minutes delayed so for those of us who eat slowly, that feeling is actually "better" calibrated and more in sync with when it's time to stop eating. (Not to mention that american portions tend to be mind-bogglingly huge so eating half the plate can actually be very healthy).
-he does not like to be too full
-Often when he eats, it’s like a chore
It may be unrelatable to you but to a lot of people, food IS a chore. There is a hugely popular product out right now called "Soylent" that caters to those people so it's not that unusual. I think it's hard for people with a high appetite to imagine having a low appetite without some kind of pathology so perhaps it would be easier for you if you think about all the people who are perfectly healthy and yet have little interest in sex, or all those people who don't like to exercise because they just don't seem to catch that endorphin high, or socially well-adjusted introverts, for that matter. Same goes for the feeling of fullness - some people feel hungry without it, and some people (like me) feel that it's almost a literal rock in their stomach if they ate to the point of "fullness".
He is fit, technically a little underweight.
I have been accused of being underweight by every single website that I've ever plugged my weight into. I dare say that those BMI ranges are seriously skewed by the averages brought on by the first world obesity epidemic. By those measures, our entire grandparents' generation and the whole Asian continent are officially underweight! If your husband has no health issues and does not experience low energy, he is by definition not unhealthy. Stop policing his food intake and focus on specific issues such as possible difficulty swallowing or possible unprocessed trauma related to his teenage hospitalization.
posted by rada at 8:01 AM on September 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
Best answer: None of us can say for sure if you husband has an eating disorder, but it definitely seems like a possibility to me. IANAD/IANYD, but I did suffer from a very severe eating disorder for a long time.
he has also said things that gave me pause, like how if he had a choice, he would have pills instead of food.
I remember saying this (and thinking it a bunch of times) when I was caught up in my eating disorder.
-I don’t have a lot of details on this, but I know at some point in his early teens he was so unwilling to eat his parents took him to the hospital and he was tube fed.
This seems like a major red flag. Tube feeding is a pretty extreme step, so that leads me to believe he was in pretty bad shape. Did he not get any psychological help at that point?
-About once a month, he will sit down and eat a ridiculous amount of food (sweets, junk food), but I don’t want to say too much because hey at least it’s calories.
This also seems consistent with disordered eating. When I used to heavily restrict my calories, I would sometimes have a moment where I would just snap and binge on crap. I think your instinct not to say anything is very good though. Not just because of the calorie thing, but also because if he's sensitive about his weight and eating habits, then you don't want to draw attention to him eating an increased amount of food.
Oh, and fwiw, I also always used to find it easier to drink things than to eat them, and even though I'm in recovery that is still true. If he seems willing to consume liquid stuff, you might try to encourage him to up his calorie intake this way. Smoothies are another good option in addition to protein shakes. Soups may also work for more main course type things. When I'm anxious or stressed out or just really not wanting to eat, eating solid food can actually make me gag to the point that I've had to spit out food that I couldn't get down, so having liquid meals can help with that, although obviously it's not an ideal long term solution.
I don't want to belabor the point, but it seems like your husband is definitely at risk for having an eating disorder or at the very least disordered eating. I mean, he could still be a picky eater, but typical picky eating means you have a limited range of foods that you'll eat, but a picky eater can still get plenty of food. With your husband, it sounds like he just doesn't like food, period.
Of course, what to do about all this is a different issue. Would your husband be willing to see his therapist with you so that you can broach this subject? Since it sounds like your husband can pass as naturally skinny and isn't currently at an obviously underweight size, it's entirely likely his therapist has no idea about his eating issues. It's also possible that he's somewhat in denial about them.
It's also worth keeping in mind that you might encounter some resistance from people because there tends to be an assumption that men don't or shouldn't have eating disorders. That's a dangerous assumption to make, though, since eating disorders can be difficult to treat and very dangerous. (I'm not trying to scare you, but I know you might even get some pushback in this thread, and more than anything I think you should listen to your instincts here, which seem to be telling you this is a problem.)
It might be worth looking into potential eating disorder treatment programs in your area. I went to an intensive outpatient program which was four hours each weeknight, and involved group therapy as well as a meal that everyone ate together. This might be another thing to talk about with his therapist. Maybe an eating disorder program would be open to meeting with both of you, or even just you so that you can talk to them about it.
Unfortunately, if your husband is really resistant to this, there may not be anything you can do. While you can encourage him to eat, you also can't become his keeper. It will not do good things for your relationship if you end up in the position of micromanaging his every meal. Still, I think it's worth making the effort to try to get to the bottom of this issue.
posted by litera scripta manet at 8:09 AM on September 11, 2015 [9 favorites]
he has also said things that gave me pause, like how if he had a choice, he would have pills instead of food.
I remember saying this (and thinking it a bunch of times) when I was caught up in my eating disorder.
-I don’t have a lot of details on this, but I know at some point in his early teens he was so unwilling to eat his parents took him to the hospital and he was tube fed.
This seems like a major red flag. Tube feeding is a pretty extreme step, so that leads me to believe he was in pretty bad shape. Did he not get any psychological help at that point?
-About once a month, he will sit down and eat a ridiculous amount of food (sweets, junk food), but I don’t want to say too much because hey at least it’s calories.
This also seems consistent with disordered eating. When I used to heavily restrict my calories, I would sometimes have a moment where I would just snap and binge on crap. I think your instinct not to say anything is very good though. Not just because of the calorie thing, but also because if he's sensitive about his weight and eating habits, then you don't want to draw attention to him eating an increased amount of food.
Oh, and fwiw, I also always used to find it easier to drink things than to eat them, and even though I'm in recovery that is still true. If he seems willing to consume liquid stuff, you might try to encourage him to up his calorie intake this way. Smoothies are another good option in addition to protein shakes. Soups may also work for more main course type things. When I'm anxious or stressed out or just really not wanting to eat, eating solid food can actually make me gag to the point that I've had to spit out food that I couldn't get down, so having liquid meals can help with that, although obviously it's not an ideal long term solution.
I don't want to belabor the point, but it seems like your husband is definitely at risk for having an eating disorder or at the very least disordered eating. I mean, he could still be a picky eater, but typical picky eating means you have a limited range of foods that you'll eat, but a picky eater can still get plenty of food. With your husband, it sounds like he just doesn't like food, period.
Of course, what to do about all this is a different issue. Would your husband be willing to see his therapist with you so that you can broach this subject? Since it sounds like your husband can pass as naturally skinny and isn't currently at an obviously underweight size, it's entirely likely his therapist has no idea about his eating issues. It's also possible that he's somewhat in denial about them.
It's also worth keeping in mind that you might encounter some resistance from people because there tends to be an assumption that men don't or shouldn't have eating disorders. That's a dangerous assumption to make, though, since eating disorders can be difficult to treat and very dangerous. (I'm not trying to scare you, but I know you might even get some pushback in this thread, and more than anything I think you should listen to your instincts here, which seem to be telling you this is a problem.)
It might be worth looking into potential eating disorder treatment programs in your area. I went to an intensive outpatient program which was four hours each weeknight, and involved group therapy as well as a meal that everyone ate together. This might be another thing to talk about with his therapist. Maybe an eating disorder program would be open to meeting with both of you, or even just you so that you can talk to them about it.
Unfortunately, if your husband is really resistant to this, there may not be anything you can do. While you can encourage him to eat, you also can't become his keeper. It will not do good things for your relationship if you end up in the position of micromanaging his every meal. Still, I think it's worth making the effort to try to get to the bottom of this issue.
posted by litera scripta manet at 8:09 AM on September 11, 2015 [9 favorites]
How is his sense of smell? I have a friend that is very ambivalent about food because he's got no sense of smell. My MIL is also hard to get to eat as she has trouble swallowing due to neurological issues, though she's discovered protein shakes & ensure recently which is helping.
Another option is it might be a control issue, because you push him he pushes back, kind of thing, though as someone that equates food with love I can totally see where you are coming from, I'd be going crazy if I couldn't get my husband to eat.
You don't mention is it bothering him? Does he think he has a problem or want a healthier relationship to food? Because I think where you go to from here depends a lot on what he wants to do. If it's physical he needs to be the one going to doctors because he won't follow through on what needs to be done if pushed, and if it's mental all your nursing him along won't fix the problem unless he wants it to be fixed.
posted by wwax at 8:09 AM on September 11, 2015
Another option is it might be a control issue, because you push him he pushes back, kind of thing, though as someone that equates food with love I can totally see where you are coming from, I'd be going crazy if I couldn't get my husband to eat.
You don't mention is it bothering him? Does he think he has a problem or want a healthier relationship to food? Because I think where you go to from here depends a lot on what he wants to do. If it's physical he needs to be the one going to doctors because he won't follow through on what needs to be done if pushed, and if it's mental all your nursing him along won't fix the problem unless he wants it to be fixed.
posted by wwax at 8:09 AM on September 11, 2015
In a similar situation, I had a breakthrough after asking about earliest memories of food and poop. It took a few days of pondering on her end. What she came up with was pretty nasty and she began eating in a more normal fashion. Being forced to eat moldy yogurt and passing a tapeworm kind of turned her off. I still had to do all the cooking, which was ok with me cuz she understandably sucked at it.
posted by Mr. Yuck at 8:13 AM on September 11, 2015
posted by Mr. Yuck at 8:13 AM on September 11, 2015
Best answer: Does he have any stomach issues, perhaps from drinking so much coffee/smoking so much in the past? I have a sour stomach and I enjoy eating much less and rarely eat until I'm "full," because it feels awful.
posted by easter queen at 8:20 AM on September 11, 2015
posted by easter queen at 8:20 AM on September 11, 2015
Best answer: Also my throat is often swollen/constricted by acid (yes I'm having this treated) which means liquids are much preferable to solids.
posted by easter queen at 8:21 AM on September 11, 2015
posted by easter queen at 8:21 AM on September 11, 2015
Best answer: One other thing I forgot to mention:
How close are you and he to his parents or other family members? If you are on good terms, maybe you could talk to his parents a bit about this. You want to avoid making this seem like you are going behind his back, but they may at least be able to give you more background on his hospitalization and tube feeding when he was a teenager.
Another possibility is setting up an appointment with a registered dietitian. You need to do your homework because not everyone who calls themselves a nutritionist is a trained professional, but a good dietitian may be able to help your husband come up with a plan to maintain his weight, and come up with a meal plan for foods that he's comfortable eating.
Lastly, I don't want to get into a debate with other posters, but I just want to give alternate perspectives on a couple points here:
I have been accused of being underweight by every single website that I've ever plugged my weight into.
It seems pretty clear that the OP's concern is not just about her husband's weight, at least not his current weight. It's totally true that people have different natural set points, and if it weren't for the pile of other red flags, being slightly underweight would be cause for major concern.
If your husband has no health issues and does not experience low energy, he is by definition not unhealthy.
Mental health issues do not necessarily have to have physical repercussions. Eating disorders can be particularly difficult to diagnose and difficult to treat because everyone has to eat, and lots of people have different eating habits. They can also wax and wane, and the OP notes that her husband is currently eating less and less. It is a lot better to treat an eating disorder before it gets to the point where someone is passing out or at risk for other serious complications. And this does seem to cause her husband a certain amount of distress. Even if there are other causes (on preview, acid reflux can cause difficulty with swallowing, and I've experienced this as well), this still seems like it would be worth exploring with a health professional.
Again, I'm not saying the husband definitely has an eating disorder, and I don't want to worry the OP unnecessarily. Everyone comes at this from their own perspective, and my perspective is someone who that I suffered for years with a very serious eating disorder.
However, I don't want to to take up more space in this thread or turn this into a debate, so I'm going to post this comment and then bow out of this thread. However, OP, feel free to memail if you want to chat about any of this.
posted by litera scripta manet at 8:29 AM on September 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
How close are you and he to his parents or other family members? If you are on good terms, maybe you could talk to his parents a bit about this. You want to avoid making this seem like you are going behind his back, but they may at least be able to give you more background on his hospitalization and tube feeding when he was a teenager.
Another possibility is setting up an appointment with a registered dietitian. You need to do your homework because not everyone who calls themselves a nutritionist is a trained professional, but a good dietitian may be able to help your husband come up with a plan to maintain his weight, and come up with a meal plan for foods that he's comfortable eating.
Lastly, I don't want to get into a debate with other posters, but I just want to give alternate perspectives on a couple points here:
I have been accused of being underweight by every single website that I've ever plugged my weight into.
It seems pretty clear that the OP's concern is not just about her husband's weight, at least not his current weight. It's totally true that people have different natural set points, and if it weren't for the pile of other red flags, being slightly underweight would be cause for major concern.
If your husband has no health issues and does not experience low energy, he is by definition not unhealthy.
Mental health issues do not necessarily have to have physical repercussions. Eating disorders can be particularly difficult to diagnose and difficult to treat because everyone has to eat, and lots of people have different eating habits. They can also wax and wane, and the OP notes that her husband is currently eating less and less. It is a lot better to treat an eating disorder before it gets to the point where someone is passing out or at risk for other serious complications. And this does seem to cause her husband a certain amount of distress. Even if there are other causes (on preview, acid reflux can cause difficulty with swallowing, and I've experienced this as well), this still seems like it would be worth exploring with a health professional.
Again, I'm not saying the husband definitely has an eating disorder, and I don't want to worry the OP unnecessarily. Everyone comes at this from their own perspective, and my perspective is someone who that I suffered for years with a very serious eating disorder.
However, I don't want to to take up more space in this thread or turn this into a debate, so I'm going to post this comment and then bow out of this thread. However, OP, feel free to memail if you want to chat about any of this.
posted by litera scripta manet at 8:29 AM on September 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
To me, it sounds like it might be a combination of eating disorder as most people think of it, and some form of picky eating as a thing in itself. Both these things are intractable but the combination makes it a moving target, even more so than one or the other by itself. Since it doesn't seem like there is evidence of damage to your husband's health right now, maybe have a sit-down and talk about what is best for the relationship. You don't want to ignore that this stuff is going on but you don't want it to be a struggle between the two of you. So, maybe periodic times to check in?
posted by BibiRose at 8:41 AM on September 11, 2015
posted by BibiRose at 8:41 AM on September 11, 2015
First off, underweight people don't have much of an appetite. It can be a chore to eat when you are not hungry. And it sounds like he has some texture issues that make it worse. You worrying him about it or checking to see if he eats is only going to make it worse.
If he is otherwise healthy, leave it alone. He will eat when he eats. If he starts dropping the little bit of weight that he has then you worry.
I have a high metabolism and when I don't work very hard at keeping on the weight, I can drop down to 100 pounds really easily and stay there. And once I'm there, I don't feel hungry and the feeling of being full is just awful. I don't have an eating disorder. This is a hereditary thing. I have several relatives who also have this issue. It helps to have a routine. If I eat the same thing every morning when I wake up then I don't have to try and think about what I want (because I don't want anything). I drink a few ounces of soda with my meal and I eat chocolate throughout the day because the sugar stimulates my appetite. But I don't have any texture issues like your husband might. He may be doing the best that he can. It is a constant struggle to keep the weight on and it society doesn't help. If you are too thin, people are outright mean to you. If you gain weight, everyone is concerned that you are getting fat. And if you gain weight and then lose a little, there is rejoicing in the streets. Just let him be happy. And buy him some candy.
posted by myselfasme at 8:50 AM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
If he is otherwise healthy, leave it alone. He will eat when he eats. If he starts dropping the little bit of weight that he has then you worry.
I have a high metabolism and when I don't work very hard at keeping on the weight, I can drop down to 100 pounds really easily and stay there. And once I'm there, I don't feel hungry and the feeling of being full is just awful. I don't have an eating disorder. This is a hereditary thing. I have several relatives who also have this issue. It helps to have a routine. If I eat the same thing every morning when I wake up then I don't have to try and think about what I want (because I don't want anything). I drink a few ounces of soda with my meal and I eat chocolate throughout the day because the sugar stimulates my appetite. But I don't have any texture issues like your husband might. He may be doing the best that he can. It is a constant struggle to keep the weight on and it society doesn't help. If you are too thin, people are outright mean to you. If you gain weight, everyone is concerned that you are getting fat. And if you gain weight and then lose a little, there is rejoicing in the streets. Just let him be happy. And buy him some candy.
posted by myselfasme at 8:50 AM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
You need to ask him if it is an eating disorder.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:50 AM on September 11, 2015
posted by Ironmouth at 8:50 AM on September 11, 2015
Being a picky eater is "I refuse to eat anything with meat, dairy, gluten, or nightshades." This guy just isn't eating. I know people who don't enjoy eating and do it out of necessity (something I personally do not understand) but they still eat when food is there or when they sit down to dinner with a loved one. This is not normal behavior and I wonder if he needs therapy. It doesn't sound like it's reaching dangerous levels right now, but this kind of relationship with food is not healthy and probably isn't fun for him either.
posted by AppleTurnover at 9:21 AM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by AppleTurnover at 9:21 AM on September 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Even if he doesn't have an eating disorder right now, he's practicing habits that will be difficult to overcome, as you have seen and others in the thread have attested to.
He had a physical and was given a clean bill of health, but did he tell his doctor about his low appetite? Especially since he has said it worries him.
posted by chainsofreedom at 9:58 AM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
He had a physical and was given a clean bill of health, but did he tell his doctor about his low appetite? Especially since he has said it worries him.
posted by chainsofreedom at 9:58 AM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Please don't diagnose him with an eating disorder. If he wants to, he can talk to a very qualified (Ph. D.) psychologist who specializes in this sort of thing.
If he _did_ have an eating disorder, then pressuring him to eat is probably something you should avoid. It sounds like you're not pressuring him much, so that's pretty good.
It sounds like he genuinely doesn't have much of an appetite. This could be a medical issue.
posted by amtho at 10:24 AM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
If he _did_ have an eating disorder, then pressuring him to eat is probably something you should avoid. It sounds like you're not pressuring him much, so that's pretty good.
It sounds like he genuinely doesn't have much of an appetite. This could be a medical issue.
posted by amtho at 10:24 AM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
You say that he went for a physical and passed with flying colors. And that he is fit, and only a bit underweight. And that he was much more underweight when you first met 11 years ago. So the relationship has done him good, and he is much closer to normal weight now than he used to be. Based on all this, I would not change anything you are doing or try to get a diagnosis. He's just not hungry that often, and not that interested in food, but that's fine — he's fit, healthy, not starving. If anything, being a little underweight is healthier than being a little or a lot overweight.
posted by beagle at 10:44 AM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by beagle at 10:44 AM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: This seems like a major red flag. Tube feeding is a pretty extreme step, so that leads me to believe he was in pretty bad shape. Did he not get any psychological help at that point?
Yea, why is everyone skipping over this? This is like, an enormous flashing neon red flag.
I was about to write a long diatribe about my friend(and former coworker) when i worked at a medical marijuana dispensary who had a long journey with well... this, that ended in a mild IBS diagnosis and was basically cured by vaporizing a moderate amount of weed(or if he wanted, a lot more if it was the end of the day because ayyyyyyy). He was also super underweight in high school, and we had several other patients who came in for similar reasons... but the feeding tube thing changes a lot.
They don't just put you on a feeding tube because you refuse to eat your broccoli. That is serious eating disorder stuff. I know people who have been there, that isn't like, the first step if you show up refusing to eat and underweight.
I think you need to talk to him, and if he's dismissive or doesn't want to , his family. If you're married, it's your family too, and you should be able to go to them and say "hey i'm worried whats up with the history of this?"
posted by emptythought at 11:02 AM on September 11, 2015 [10 favorites]
Yea, why is everyone skipping over this? This is like, an enormous flashing neon red flag.
I was about to write a long diatribe about my friend(and former coworker) when i worked at a medical marijuana dispensary who had a long journey with well... this, that ended in a mild IBS diagnosis and was basically cured by vaporizing a moderate amount of weed(or if he wanted, a lot more if it was the end of the day because ayyyyyyy). He was also super underweight in high school, and we had several other patients who came in for similar reasons... but the feeding tube thing changes a lot.
They don't just put you on a feeding tube because you refuse to eat your broccoli. That is serious eating disorder stuff. I know people who have been there, that isn't like, the first step if you show up refusing to eat and underweight.
I think you need to talk to him, and if he's dismissive or doesn't want to , his family. If you're married, it's your family too, and you should be able to go to them and say "hey i'm worried whats up with the history of this?"
posted by emptythought at 11:02 AM on September 11, 2015 [10 favorites]
My instinct is that it's a little bit of chronic anxiety and a little bit of sensory processing disorder. As for perfectly good bill of health, he's still under 30 right? That might change in the next 10-15.
posted by vunder at 11:07 AM on September 11, 2015
posted by vunder at 11:07 AM on September 11, 2015
Response by poster: I'm getting some weird passive aggressive vibe. It seems like you make 100% of his food and he won't touch it or clean up his breakfast dishes like a petulant child. What would happen if you made him responsible for feeding himself?
I do 99% of the cooking because he doesn't like food. He tries to cook once in a while, but I love cooking and frankly his cooking tends to be a little sad. When he cooks for us, he still doesn't eat normally.
He does absolutely all other house chores, from dishes to bathrooms, to everything. When I said I don't see dishes from lunch I meant they weren't in the process of being washed, or just washed, or waiting to be washed.
This - and your whole question to be honest - reads to me as heavy policing of his eating.
I think this might be because I am condensing 6 years of observations (our marriage) into one question. He has asked me to pay attention to his eating habits and to remind him to eat. The only time I actually requested that he change what he was doing was when he was trying to gain weight and he would force feed himself and then lift weights.
You don't mention is it bothering him? Does he think he has a problem or want a healthier relationship to food?
Yes, it bothers him so much. I think he is embarrassed that her can't eat like others and he feels guilty, and he says he is worried that his lack of appetite might be a symptom of something more serious. This was one of the main reasons he decided to go to therapy, but even though his anxiety is better, his appetite isn't.
How close are you and he to his parents or other family members?
Talking to his family is not an option. Part of his anxiety comes from a pretty traumatic past (war) and his family members do not have the emotional stability to deal with this. They would blow it out of proportion and it wouldn't help at all.
Does he have any stomach issues, perhaps from drinking so much coffee/smoking so much in the past? I have a sour stomach and I enjoy eating much less and rarely eat until I'm "full," because it feels awful.
He did have an ulcer in the past, but the conclusion was that it was more an anxiety thing than anything else. It's one of the reasons he stopped drinking coffee.
You need to ask him if it is an eating disorder.
He doesn't know. We have talked about it and he has literally told me he doesn't know. Also, I forgot to say he is losing weight. Right now he is still at an acceptable weight, but he is losing pretty rapidly. I am not trying to diagnose him (I am not a doctor). I am trying to figure out if this is a situation in which he should consult a doctor, and if so what kind of doctor.
Did he not get any psychological help at that point?
No. His parents were trying to run away from the country they were living in, and then he came here, and then I guess the whole issue fell through the cracks.
cured by vaporizing a moderate amount of weed
We have done something similar a couple of times because we noticed that he does get the munchies. It was his idea. We get a bunch of healthy snacks, he smokes and he eats. I know it's not sustainable, but it seems like an okay interim solution.
posted by ADent at 11:26 AM on September 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
I do 99% of the cooking because he doesn't like food. He tries to cook once in a while, but I love cooking and frankly his cooking tends to be a little sad. When he cooks for us, he still doesn't eat normally.
He does absolutely all other house chores, from dishes to bathrooms, to everything. When I said I don't see dishes from lunch I meant they weren't in the process of being washed, or just washed, or waiting to be washed.
This - and your whole question to be honest - reads to me as heavy policing of his eating.
I think this might be because I am condensing 6 years of observations (our marriage) into one question. He has asked me to pay attention to his eating habits and to remind him to eat. The only time I actually requested that he change what he was doing was when he was trying to gain weight and he would force feed himself and then lift weights.
You don't mention is it bothering him? Does he think he has a problem or want a healthier relationship to food?
Yes, it bothers him so much. I think he is embarrassed that her can't eat like others and he feels guilty, and he says he is worried that his lack of appetite might be a symptom of something more serious. This was one of the main reasons he decided to go to therapy, but even though his anxiety is better, his appetite isn't.
How close are you and he to his parents or other family members?
Talking to his family is not an option. Part of his anxiety comes from a pretty traumatic past (war) and his family members do not have the emotional stability to deal with this. They would blow it out of proportion and it wouldn't help at all.
Does he have any stomach issues, perhaps from drinking so much coffee/smoking so much in the past? I have a sour stomach and I enjoy eating much less and rarely eat until I'm "full," because it feels awful.
He did have an ulcer in the past, but the conclusion was that it was more an anxiety thing than anything else. It's one of the reasons he stopped drinking coffee.
You need to ask him if it is an eating disorder.
He doesn't know. We have talked about it and he has literally told me he doesn't know. Also, I forgot to say he is losing weight. Right now he is still at an acceptable weight, but he is losing pretty rapidly. I am not trying to diagnose him (I am not a doctor). I am trying to figure out if this is a situation in which he should consult a doctor, and if so what kind of doctor.
Did he not get any psychological help at that point?
No. His parents were trying to run away from the country they were living in, and then he came here, and then I guess the whole issue fell through the cracks.
cured by vaporizing a moderate amount of weed
We have done something similar a couple of times because we noticed that he does get the munchies. It was his idea. We get a bunch of healthy snacks, he smokes and he eats. I know it's not sustainable, but it seems like an okay interim solution.
posted by ADent at 11:26 AM on September 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
Right now he is still at an acceptable weight, but he is losing pretty rapidly. I am not trying to diagnose him (I am not a doctor). I am trying to figure out if this is a situation in which he should consult a doctor, and if so what kind of doctor.
You sound really caring and I didn't see policing or condescension in your question. Yes, the rapid weight loss is really worrying and I would urge him to see a doctor. Start with his primary care physician and go from there.
posted by JenMarie at 11:58 AM on September 11, 2015 [7 favorites]
You sound really caring and I didn't see policing or condescension in your question. Yes, the rapid weight loss is really worrying and I would urge him to see a doctor. Start with his primary care physician and go from there.
posted by JenMarie at 11:58 AM on September 11, 2015 [7 favorites]
(It sounds like he's in a shame spiral that is getting worse and worse. Shame can be so so insidious. It's not really in your control, but I hope he's being open about this problem with his therapist, and he really needs to be completely honest with his doctor about all of these details (food revulsion, lack of appetite, amount/rate of weight loss)
posted by JenMarie at 12:00 PM on September 11, 2015
posted by JenMarie at 12:00 PM on September 11, 2015
Best answer: Can he tell whether or not his difficulty swallowing is more mental or physical? He could have achalasia, for example, which literally means the muscles that lead to swallowing are failing to function normally.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 12:11 PM on September 11, 2015
posted by a fiendish thingy at 12:11 PM on September 11, 2015
Best answer: Background: I am in recovery for an eating disorder.
You sound concerned on a normal and rational level and not policing, overbearing or any of that. The being on a feeding tube makes me very, very concerned. Doctors only do this if they need to, and they do anything not to need to.
My husband is also pretty ambivalent about food. He smokes a bit every night before dinner and he eats a good healthy dinner. This may be an option you want to explore further if you're hesitant to go to a therapist right now, but I would absolutely encourage your husband to see a therapist that specializes in eating disorders. And let me just be on my soapbox for one minute and say really, not just any therapist. Most therapists are true crap when it comes to dealing with EDs. I could spend an hour on all the ways they have no idea. Please find him an eating disorders specialist. He or she will know (and hopefully will not just treat him as a nail - if you're a hammer and all that).
ED behaviors are really freaking hard to give up. There are all sorts of reasons to keep them up, but if he's concerned now, this is a good time to see someone.
My best wishes to you. Feel free to memail me if you wish.
posted by Sophie1 at 12:12 PM on September 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
You sound concerned on a normal and rational level and not policing, overbearing or any of that. The being on a feeding tube makes me very, very concerned. Doctors only do this if they need to, and they do anything not to need to.
My husband is also pretty ambivalent about food. He smokes a bit every night before dinner and he eats a good healthy dinner. This may be an option you want to explore further if you're hesitant to go to a therapist right now, but I would absolutely encourage your husband to see a therapist that specializes in eating disorders. And let me just be on my soapbox for one minute and say really, not just any therapist. Most therapists are true crap when it comes to dealing with EDs. I could spend an hour on all the ways they have no idea. Please find him an eating disorders specialist. He or she will know (and hopefully will not just treat him as a nail - if you're a hammer and all that).
ED behaviors are really freaking hard to give up. There are all sorts of reasons to keep them up, but if he's concerned now, this is a good time to see someone.
My best wishes to you. Feel free to memail me if you wish.
posted by Sophie1 at 12:12 PM on September 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: He could have achalasia, for example, which literally means the muscles that lead to swallowing are failing to function normally.
He should absolutely be checked for this; as JenMarie says, start with a primary care physician, and voice his/your concerns. Achalasia can not only cause discomfort eating (and thus lack of desire to eat), but can lead to aspiration pneumonia. I know of someone this happened to (repeatedly!), and he eventually needed to be put on a permanent G-tube for feeding. Much better to correct such a problem before it becomes severe.
Also seconding to ask his PCP to check for IBS. Reading your posts makes me think a physical/medical issue might be playing into this far more than psychological issues. Emphasize to the PCP that your partner dislikes eating.
posted by RRgal at 12:36 PM on September 11, 2015
He should absolutely be checked for this; as JenMarie says, start with a primary care physician, and voice his/your concerns. Achalasia can not only cause discomfort eating (and thus lack of desire to eat), but can lead to aspiration pneumonia. I know of someone this happened to (repeatedly!), and he eventually needed to be put on a permanent G-tube for feeding. Much better to correct such a problem before it becomes severe.
Also seconding to ask his PCP to check for IBS. Reading your posts makes me think a physical/medical issue might be playing into this far more than psychological issues. Emphasize to the PCP that your partner dislikes eating.
posted by RRgal at 12:36 PM on September 11, 2015
I know it's not sustainable, but it seems like an okay interim solution.
... Why? My friend intends for that to be the solution for the rest of his life. It was, as far as I can tell, for his father also. His doctor was on board, and other than the stigma/peoples preconceptions about it how is it different from taking medication long term for anything else?
I swear I'm not a new agey hippie, far from it. But it's one of those things like managing chronic pain... You're doing it to get as close to "normal" as possible, not to get u high. And if it works well then, hey.
My friend worked out what gave him about an eat-an-average meal appetite and went with that unless he had just eaten.
If it gives him an appetite, and he eats with no discomfort, then it seems like this is a workable solution whether this is a physical or mental problem, and that you're nudging it along to work as expected.
posted by emptythought at 12:40 PM on September 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
... Why? My friend intends for that to be the solution for the rest of his life. It was, as far as I can tell, for his father also. His doctor was on board, and other than the stigma/peoples preconceptions about it how is it different from taking medication long term for anything else?
I swear I'm not a new agey hippie, far from it. But it's one of those things like managing chronic pain... You're doing it to get as close to "normal" as possible, not to get u high. And if it works well then, hey.
My friend worked out what gave him about an eat-an-average meal appetite and went with that unless he had just eaten.
If it gives him an appetite, and he eats with no discomfort, then it seems like this is a workable solution whether this is a physical or mental problem, and that you're nudging it along to work as expected.
posted by emptythought at 12:40 PM on September 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: It's possible for there to be physical issues and psychological issues -- coincidentally, or one leading to the other. Based on the fact that HE is both worried and losing weight, I think you two should work as a team and schedule him for an appointment with his GP with an eye towards referring him to a gastroenterologist, a psychologist who specializes in eating issues, and maybe an OT/SLP who can look into swallowing stuff. Maybe also a dietician. I would go with him to that appointment, particularly if he has a tendency to minimize.
Whether this is a psychological problem or a physical problem at its root, it's definitely a problem.
posted by KathrynT at 12:45 PM on September 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
Whether this is a psychological problem or a physical problem at its root, it's definitely a problem.
posted by KathrynT at 12:45 PM on September 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: The issue with smoking as a long term solution is that sadly we live in Virginia, where possession of even a small amount is a misdemeanor, so at least for now, it's not something we feel comfortable doing on a regular basis.
posted by ADent at 1:04 PM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by ADent at 1:04 PM on September 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
This sounds a lot more like physical discomfort with eating than a desire not to eat/ policing his body/ etc. An occupational therapist may be able to work with him on figuring out issues with texture, swallowing, etc. In the meantime, taking the shame/ desire to be "normal" away from it and focusing on eating the things he finds less difficult to eat is probably a good way to go. Depending on how much taste rather than texture is a factor, virtually anything can be made into a smoothie or drinkable soup. (Get an immersion blender!) And Soylent is an option, as mentioned above.
posted by metasarah at 1:13 PM on September 11, 2015
posted by metasarah at 1:13 PM on September 11, 2015
I haven't seen this clarified yet, but maybe I missed it. Have you gone to therapy together?
It sounds like you are able to communicate about this issue with your husband without lots of problems (like you can bring up the subject, he can express his own worries about the subject), but perhaps working together with a therapist you can develop some additional communication and support tools to help him in a way that doesn't put either of you into difficult positions (you're not his mother or the food police).
At the very least it sounds like you have some questions about hi history with food and eating and that the history is potentially traumatic, so having outside help to assist you both with talking about and understanding this history could be useful.
Definitely rule out all potential medical/physical causes of your husband's discomfort with eating. And if he is not talking directly and frankly with his doctor about it, then you should tell the doctor there are some concerns and that he/she should bring up the topic (as in the doctor should ask in a non-judgemental/open ended way - do you have any concerns about your weight or eating patterns that you'd like talk about?)
posted by brookeb at 3:12 PM on September 11, 2015
It sounds like you are able to communicate about this issue with your husband without lots of problems (like you can bring up the subject, he can express his own worries about the subject), but perhaps working together with a therapist you can develop some additional communication and support tools to help him in a way that doesn't put either of you into difficult positions (you're not his mother or the food police).
At the very least it sounds like you have some questions about hi history with food and eating and that the history is potentially traumatic, so having outside help to assist you both with talking about and understanding this history could be useful.
Definitely rule out all potential medical/physical causes of your husband's discomfort with eating. And if he is not talking directly and frankly with his doctor about it, then you should tell the doctor there are some concerns and that he/she should bring up the topic (as in the doctor should ask in a non-judgemental/open ended way - do you have any concerns about your weight or eating patterns that you'd like talk about?)
posted by brookeb at 3:12 PM on September 11, 2015
If you can discount a physical reason for his strange eating, it sounds like he has suffered with an eating disorder all his life and has dealt with it to the extent that he eats enough to survive, but will never eat normally. To be honest he may always be like this. I think it might be helpful to stop encouraging him to vary his diet - for instance, there is no need for him to have solid rather than liquid foods - and stock up on the things he does like. Get him some vitamin tablets or vitamin enriched shakes if you're worried he isn't getting what he needs. Stop making meals for him unless he asks you to, and just let him eat when he feels like it. If he starts getting thinner or becoming ill, then it might be time to step in, but for now I think he might appreciate less pressure to eat "normally".
posted by intensitymultiply at 1:42 AM on September 12, 2015
posted by intensitymultiply at 1:42 AM on September 12, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
When he went for the physical, did he tell them that he has a chronically poor appetite and that is getting worse? A poor appetite can be a symptom of a bunch of different things, but you need to talk to a doctor about it; it's not something they'll just guess on their own. One thing you can do (with the supervision of a doctor) is an elimination diet to find out if there are things that are bothering his stomach. I would start there.
posted by colfax at 6:27 AM on September 11, 2015 [19 favorites]