My whole life blew up out of the blue
September 7, 2015 4:26 PM Subscribe
I went from everything being "fine" to losing my Fiance' and not knowing what State I'm going to live in.
This all happened in 2 weeks.
Depressing details inside
My Girlfriend and I have been together for 9 years. We got engaged 3 years ago but never got married. We had a very passionate beginning but things were rough throughout the entire relationship. She was unhappily married when we met and ten years older than me with a young kid. She was 35 and I was 25. It was the most intense relationship that I had ever been involved with. It wasn't just me, she said that out of all of the relationships that she had ever been in, that she was floored by the love and connection. I believe her. Ultimately we were probably never meant to be together. We were so different in every way and that stuff started to cause problems. I probably broke up with her 50 times over our relationship (most times it lasted a couple days before we got back together).
About a month ago, "out of the blue", she told me that we needed to take a break for at least a few weeks. I was shocked. She had never done this before. She is not very "proactive" with anything. She never makes decisions unless she is forced to or something happens. For the first two weeks of our split, I tried the best that I could to leave her alone. I missed her tremendously and vowed to her (and myself) that I would change and do whatever it took. I was "scared straight" at the prospect of losing her. As an aside, we haven't been living together (something I’ve been pushing for). I had some hope that we'd get back together. She continued to tell me that she was confused and didn't know what to do and that she may even be having a mid life crisis but didn't think that she could be in a relationship right now. I suggested that we just take it slow.
I suspected that she might be seeing someone (she denied). A friend of hers hinted at it to me but said not to worry. I nicely confronted my gf about it and told her that I knew and she finally admitted that she was hanging out with a guy but nothing was going on. We had been split for a month and she said that she just met him 2 weeks ago. I told her that I just wanted honesty so that I could make a decision about how to proceed. As much as the truth hurts, I needed to know so that I could make a decision about my future. She insists that she doesn't want another relationship now and doesn't know if we can ever work because we've tried so hard for so long and things haven't been good in recent years. She said that this guy is just a friend and moving in January to Canada. I am highly skeptical. As much as it hurts to admit, can I ever trust her again? As much as I want to still be with her, it doesn't seem like it is in the cards. She won't be ready any time soon. I asked his name and she gave me a generic first name but wouldn’t tell me anything else or let me look into her phone. This obviously didn’t inspired confidence. I speculated that her lady business was probably immaculately groomed and she said yes but it was because she was going to the beach, not because she was fucking him. Her friend also mentioned that she was going to the gym. My Mom had noticed that she wasn’t wearing the engagement ring one day. My girl said that was because she was going to the gym. I suspected with him – this was later confirmed. She continues to say that there is nothing going on but doesn’t want to cut ties with him. I have seen this movie before. I WAS that guy when she was married. I can’t believe that she would do this. Is there any chance that this is true and she just lied about part of it?
I am devastated. I felt like I knew this woman. We have been together for almost a decade and shared so much and been through so much. I fantasize that we can reconcile, but can I ever trust her? Things are such a mess and it is probably best to break but I am devastated. I can’t imagine her not being the object of my love and my purpose (not in a dysfunctional way)
I should also mention that I have bad OCD, Depression and Anxiety. Even when things are good I'm stressed and anxious. I can't make a decision as simple as getting a new cell phone without spending weeks analyzing it. I have a dilemma at the moment.
What do I do about her? I don’t want to break up, but she doesn’t want me. It could be six months to a year until she knows. I need to (for my sanity) focus on improving my life. I have been thinking of moving to NC where my family is. I hate my job and the NY winters. I miss my Family. The idea of a fresh start is very appealing. What’s stopping me? If I do move, I’ll never see her again. She said that if 6 months or a year from now, we want to try again, that one of us can move. All of her friends (her main priority) and her teenage son are up there so I don’t believe it for a second. All of these things have always trumped me and especially do now. If I move, I’m not coming back for her and the current state of our relationship. The other option is to stay here for the winter and see how things go. I don’t feel like staying up here for 6 months not starting my life and wondering where she is and what she is doing. If we are done, I definitely wanna move as everything here reminds me of her.
This is going to be a tough period. My Brother is getting married in a month and we were supposed to go to the beach house. We had tickets to concerts. I was so excited for the Fall. She indicated that she still wants to go to the concerts as friends (another red flag that she is over me) She also wants to keep the ring (because it is beautiful and represents the love that we shared.)
One of the biggest problems is that I don’t know how to move on. Everything is so tangled up and associated with our relationship. My life is Art. That is my source of enjoyment and solace. We shared all of this. It was a huge part of our relationship. All of the music that we shared reminds me of her. We went to tons of concerts and I’d give her all of her music. We watched all of her shows together. I feel like every aspect of our lives (the foods that we liked) are intertwined. It all reminds me of her and I don’t know how to disconnect and untangle it. Will I ever be able to listen to any of it ever again? Will it ever not remind me of her? How can I ever go to concerts again. That was our big thing together!!! How do I watch Homeland when we watched it all together? How do I not thing about her? The thing that should be helping me hurts me!!!!!!!!!!!!
It also makes me feel so bad because we were so compatible in our interests. I was looking at a dating site and it seems that all the women are into reality tv and sports. No one cares about MadMen and Art films. Forget about Massive Attack. I feel like I’ll never find someone that I love, that is into the same stuff and beautiful. She was my best friend and all I wanted in a woman.
I hate the idea of cutting her out of my life. She still wants to share – although take time apart. I was supposed to marry this woman. The idea of being with another feels like a betrayal. I am so sad not being in a couple and having someone to do things with and for. I know that I need to heal and that in time I will be ready to see others. I just want to start building something now!!! I don’t want hookups, but also can’t put pressure on finding the “one” just like that.
We have been arguing via text today. I wanted to leave things on peaceful terms and maybe even see the last show together. I think that I’ve burned those bridges by saying angry things. I am so upset – less so that she dumped me – that she is seeing some guy and lied about it. I feel like she is “tainted” now too because of this guy. I’d always picture him if we were together.
The other problem is that I am brutally honest and you have to pull everything out of her.
I know – it takes time, see a therapist, take meds, do things for you etc etc.
How do I listen to music? How do I not see her in everything? Is there any hope? Am I doomed to feel like this for years?
I feel like seeing other people would help, but I know it’d hurt too and I can’t imagine that I’d be much fun now. Forget about sex. I can’t even imagine that.
How do I not text her? How do we go from "soulmates" to strangers??? I can't reconcile that
My Girlfriend and I have been together for 9 years. We got engaged 3 years ago but never got married. We had a very passionate beginning but things were rough throughout the entire relationship. She was unhappily married when we met and ten years older than me with a young kid. She was 35 and I was 25. It was the most intense relationship that I had ever been involved with. It wasn't just me, she said that out of all of the relationships that she had ever been in, that she was floored by the love and connection. I believe her. Ultimately we were probably never meant to be together. We were so different in every way and that stuff started to cause problems. I probably broke up with her 50 times over our relationship (most times it lasted a couple days before we got back together).
About a month ago, "out of the blue", she told me that we needed to take a break for at least a few weeks. I was shocked. She had never done this before. She is not very "proactive" with anything. She never makes decisions unless she is forced to or something happens. For the first two weeks of our split, I tried the best that I could to leave her alone. I missed her tremendously and vowed to her (and myself) that I would change and do whatever it took. I was "scared straight" at the prospect of losing her. As an aside, we haven't been living together (something I’ve been pushing for). I had some hope that we'd get back together. She continued to tell me that she was confused and didn't know what to do and that she may even be having a mid life crisis but didn't think that she could be in a relationship right now. I suggested that we just take it slow.
I suspected that she might be seeing someone (she denied). A friend of hers hinted at it to me but said not to worry. I nicely confronted my gf about it and told her that I knew and she finally admitted that she was hanging out with a guy but nothing was going on. We had been split for a month and she said that she just met him 2 weeks ago. I told her that I just wanted honesty so that I could make a decision about how to proceed. As much as the truth hurts, I needed to know so that I could make a decision about my future. She insists that she doesn't want another relationship now and doesn't know if we can ever work because we've tried so hard for so long and things haven't been good in recent years. She said that this guy is just a friend and moving in January to Canada. I am highly skeptical. As much as it hurts to admit, can I ever trust her again? As much as I want to still be with her, it doesn't seem like it is in the cards. She won't be ready any time soon. I asked his name and she gave me a generic first name but wouldn’t tell me anything else or let me look into her phone. This obviously didn’t inspired confidence. I speculated that her lady business was probably immaculately groomed and she said yes but it was because she was going to the beach, not because she was fucking him. Her friend also mentioned that she was going to the gym. My Mom had noticed that she wasn’t wearing the engagement ring one day. My girl said that was because she was going to the gym. I suspected with him – this was later confirmed. She continues to say that there is nothing going on but doesn’t want to cut ties with him. I have seen this movie before. I WAS that guy when she was married. I can’t believe that she would do this. Is there any chance that this is true and she just lied about part of it?
I am devastated. I felt like I knew this woman. We have been together for almost a decade and shared so much and been through so much. I fantasize that we can reconcile, but can I ever trust her? Things are such a mess and it is probably best to break but I am devastated. I can’t imagine her not being the object of my love and my purpose (not in a dysfunctional way)
I should also mention that I have bad OCD, Depression and Anxiety. Even when things are good I'm stressed and anxious. I can't make a decision as simple as getting a new cell phone without spending weeks analyzing it. I have a dilemma at the moment.
What do I do about her? I don’t want to break up, but she doesn’t want me. It could be six months to a year until she knows. I need to (for my sanity) focus on improving my life. I have been thinking of moving to NC where my family is. I hate my job and the NY winters. I miss my Family. The idea of a fresh start is very appealing. What’s stopping me? If I do move, I’ll never see her again. She said that if 6 months or a year from now, we want to try again, that one of us can move. All of her friends (her main priority) and her teenage son are up there so I don’t believe it for a second. All of these things have always trumped me and especially do now. If I move, I’m not coming back for her and the current state of our relationship. The other option is to stay here for the winter and see how things go. I don’t feel like staying up here for 6 months not starting my life and wondering where she is and what she is doing. If we are done, I definitely wanna move as everything here reminds me of her.
This is going to be a tough period. My Brother is getting married in a month and we were supposed to go to the beach house. We had tickets to concerts. I was so excited for the Fall. She indicated that she still wants to go to the concerts as friends (another red flag that she is over me) She also wants to keep the ring (because it is beautiful and represents the love that we shared.)
One of the biggest problems is that I don’t know how to move on. Everything is so tangled up and associated with our relationship. My life is Art. That is my source of enjoyment and solace. We shared all of this. It was a huge part of our relationship. All of the music that we shared reminds me of her. We went to tons of concerts and I’d give her all of her music. We watched all of her shows together. I feel like every aspect of our lives (the foods that we liked) are intertwined. It all reminds me of her and I don’t know how to disconnect and untangle it. Will I ever be able to listen to any of it ever again? Will it ever not remind me of her? How can I ever go to concerts again. That was our big thing together!!! How do I watch Homeland when we watched it all together? How do I not thing about her? The thing that should be helping me hurts me!!!!!!!!!!!!
It also makes me feel so bad because we were so compatible in our interests. I was looking at a dating site and it seems that all the women are into reality tv and sports. No one cares about MadMen and Art films. Forget about Massive Attack. I feel like I’ll never find someone that I love, that is into the same stuff and beautiful. She was my best friend and all I wanted in a woman.
I hate the idea of cutting her out of my life. She still wants to share – although take time apart. I was supposed to marry this woman. The idea of being with another feels like a betrayal. I am so sad not being in a couple and having someone to do things with and for. I know that I need to heal and that in time I will be ready to see others. I just want to start building something now!!! I don’t want hookups, but also can’t put pressure on finding the “one” just like that.
We have been arguing via text today. I wanted to leave things on peaceful terms and maybe even see the last show together. I think that I’ve burned those bridges by saying angry things. I am so upset – less so that she dumped me – that she is seeing some guy and lied about it. I feel like she is “tainted” now too because of this guy. I’d always picture him if we were together.
The other problem is that I am brutally honest and you have to pull everything out of her.
I know – it takes time, see a therapist, take meds, do things for you etc etc.
How do I listen to music? How do I not see her in everything? Is there any hope? Am I doomed to feel like this for years?
I feel like seeing other people would help, but I know it’d hurt too and I can’t imagine that I’d be much fun now. Forget about sex. I can’t even imagine that.
How do I not text her? How do we go from "soulmates" to strangers??? I can't reconcile that
This post was deleted for the following reason: This sounds like a rough situation and I'm sorry you're dealing with it, but as written here this is way too scattered and unfocused to be an answerable question; if you want to give this another shot next week way stripped down to an answerable core question, that'd be fine. -- cortex
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That's like breaking up with her every 2.16 months over the course of your 9-year relationship. Now she asking for space and you're freaking out? Let it go, it's for the best.
posted by blueberry at 4:50 PM on September 7, 2015 [2 favorites]