What are some reasons why I shouldn't kill myself?
August 23, 2015 8:25 PM Subscribe
I'm feeling pretty down in the dumps right now. I wouldn't post something like this here, but I don't have many people to reach out to. My emotional state is apocalyptic, to put it lightly. I mean towards myself, not the world.
My deal is that I was abused by my family as a kid, by friends, girlfriends, employers, therapists, the whole gamut. It's incredibly difficult for me to function in the world, particularly in 21st century America which is not the easiest place to get by these days.
Here are the reasons I want to kill myself:
* I'm 32 years old, male, single, and I'm getting older. My hair is thinning and I feel like utter dreck. Windows of opportunity have closed for me, or are closing, and I lack the personal network to help hoist me up.
* I have no idea what it's like for someone to like me or care about me because I've never really experienced it. My family isolated me from people who were nice to me and convinced me they were bad people who were fucking me up ("fucking me up" = love to them, I guess), so I developed a weird relationship with kinder people. They also encouraged me to befriend and date awful people: people who'd kidnap me and torture me, people who did just ... awful things to me, and they created a really cohesive narrative around how all of my pain, all of these things happening to me, were because I was a fucked up, bad person. I believed them for most of my life because they did a damn good job of it! Having a family with military propaganda and PR specialists in it probably didn't help. Job well done, family. They'd celebrate and memorialize my relationships with abusive people they chose for me, who they knew were abusing me, and threatened to disown me if I wanted to break up with them ...
* My life has been pretty much nothing but excruciating, mind-numbing pain. My sense of reality was totally warped and wrecked by all the psychological bullcrap that was done to me, and it's taken me four years of hardcore work to straighten it out even just a little, which included self-studying friggin' sociology and theory textbooks. I have a hardcore case of Stockholm syndrome so my life has been filled with truly wretched people, and I had no idea why until recently.
* I have almost no experiences of happiness or joy to fall back on. It's really difficult for me to imagine how life could be good or worth living because I simply haven't experienced it, and I lack the skills and experience to even know how to make a life worth living at this point.
* My relationship skills are utter garbage. I love and care about people, and I know I can have relationships with people, but it's all completely warped and wrecked, and I have absolutely no trust whatsoever towards other people. I gave up on that along time ago, and I had no idea why until recently because of all that family propaganda bullshit...
* My job skills are seriously out of date and I need to work my butt off to make myself more employable. I have to do this while working in a horrible job filled with deranged people (one of whom has a wish fulfillment fantasy of being a serial killer, yes, oh yes it's fucked up) who've made my life a living hell for shits and giggles. I'm stuck here until I can get more skills to find a new job somewhere. No laws in America protect me, and I'm not qualified for unemployment, so I'm stuck for now unless I want to become homeless.
* I'm completely alone in the world. There isn't a single human being out there who cares about me (for real). Nobody to talk to, nobody to reach out to. My family is still mind-warpingly fucked up to me and they actively try to draw me back into that hell world, so interacting with them is dangerous for my health. But they won't give up ... they track me down, call me up at my job out of nowhere, send me bizarre things in the mail, all sorts of wonderful things like that. It took me a long time to figure out that not only do they not care about me, but they've been actively sabotaging me and hurting me my whole life for their own benefit.
* I don't really fit in very well where I'm living right now. I'm in a blue collar suburb, sort-of like the one where I grew up, but the only place I ever met anyone who ever accepted me was in New York City. I'm interested in art, music, literature, nature, aesthetics, intellectual crap, technology, all sorts of out there creative stuff, etc., and to a lot of people here that apparently makes me "a fuckin homo" or an asshole... I could meet someone to talk to everyday in NYC, but in suburban NJ I'm an outsider eyed with suspicion... which is why I moved to the city in the first place. I can't get back there until I have more way more advanced job skills to find work since technology has completely changed the field I'm in.
* Due to all of the things I experienced growing up I developed a whole mess of ways to cope that are utterly wrong for being an adult. Not really alcohol or anything, just ways of thinking and living that aren't realistic or healthy at all, which includes panic, disassociation, anxiety, etc. I've dismantled a lot of them, but I have no new ways of coping, which is particularly bad since I don't have any social support whatsoever. I looked at my cell phone and all the numbers in it are for people who've abused me. I realized this only recently, and it's kind-of a headfuck.
* My problems and difficulties make me "weak" and "pathetic" in the eyes of the public. I'm not that strong, decisive, put-together man I should be, and according to society it's 100% my fault and I should be shamed and kicked down for it. I'm a shambling wreck who's kept it together through sheer force of will and some degree of cleverness, but time's run out on how long that can work.
On and on and on.
Are there any rational ways to handle this? Because I'm sick of living in confusing pain and feeling powerless about my life. There is therapy, but I was abused by two therapists I tried out because I was raised to be abused, I guess you could say. And I'm stuck in an awful job environment that's eating me alive and I can't seem to get out of until I get healthier and build up my job skills, but it's hard to do when I'm inundated with overwhelming levels of stress at my job with no seeming way out. It's a vicious circle I can't seem to find a way out of.
I'm also afraid there aren't many therapists out there who can even help me out with these things ... and I need to have a good, stable job to even do that anyway, which I don't have right now, and can't get until I build up my job skills and put myself together more, which is hard since my sense of self has been so totally wrecked. So it's all come together into a perfect storm.
Thoughts, suggestions, arguments are greatly welcomed. Those "10 reasons not to kill yourself!" sites never have anything relevant to me, so maybe someone here can think of better reasons. Thank you!
My deal is that I was abused by my family as a kid, by friends, girlfriends, employers, therapists, the whole gamut. It's incredibly difficult for me to function in the world, particularly in 21st century America which is not the easiest place to get by these days.
Here are the reasons I want to kill myself:
* I'm 32 years old, male, single, and I'm getting older. My hair is thinning and I feel like utter dreck. Windows of opportunity have closed for me, or are closing, and I lack the personal network to help hoist me up.
* I have no idea what it's like for someone to like me or care about me because I've never really experienced it. My family isolated me from people who were nice to me and convinced me they were bad people who were fucking me up ("fucking me up" = love to them, I guess), so I developed a weird relationship with kinder people. They also encouraged me to befriend and date awful people: people who'd kidnap me and torture me, people who did just ... awful things to me, and they created a really cohesive narrative around how all of my pain, all of these things happening to me, were because I was a fucked up, bad person. I believed them for most of my life because they did a damn good job of it! Having a family with military propaganda and PR specialists in it probably didn't help. Job well done, family. They'd celebrate and memorialize my relationships with abusive people they chose for me, who they knew were abusing me, and threatened to disown me if I wanted to break up with them ...
* My life has been pretty much nothing but excruciating, mind-numbing pain. My sense of reality was totally warped and wrecked by all the psychological bullcrap that was done to me, and it's taken me four years of hardcore work to straighten it out even just a little, which included self-studying friggin' sociology and theory textbooks. I have a hardcore case of Stockholm syndrome so my life has been filled with truly wretched people, and I had no idea why until recently.
* I have almost no experiences of happiness or joy to fall back on. It's really difficult for me to imagine how life could be good or worth living because I simply haven't experienced it, and I lack the skills and experience to even know how to make a life worth living at this point.
* My relationship skills are utter garbage. I love and care about people, and I know I can have relationships with people, but it's all completely warped and wrecked, and I have absolutely no trust whatsoever towards other people. I gave up on that along time ago, and I had no idea why until recently because of all that family propaganda bullshit...
* My job skills are seriously out of date and I need to work my butt off to make myself more employable. I have to do this while working in a horrible job filled with deranged people (one of whom has a wish fulfillment fantasy of being a serial killer, yes, oh yes it's fucked up) who've made my life a living hell for shits and giggles. I'm stuck here until I can get more skills to find a new job somewhere. No laws in America protect me, and I'm not qualified for unemployment, so I'm stuck for now unless I want to become homeless.
* I'm completely alone in the world. There isn't a single human being out there who cares about me (for real). Nobody to talk to, nobody to reach out to. My family is still mind-warpingly fucked up to me and they actively try to draw me back into that hell world, so interacting with them is dangerous for my health. But they won't give up ... they track me down, call me up at my job out of nowhere, send me bizarre things in the mail, all sorts of wonderful things like that. It took me a long time to figure out that not only do they not care about me, but they've been actively sabotaging me and hurting me my whole life for their own benefit.
* I don't really fit in very well where I'm living right now. I'm in a blue collar suburb, sort-of like the one where I grew up, but the only place I ever met anyone who ever accepted me was in New York City. I'm interested in art, music, literature, nature, aesthetics, intellectual crap, technology, all sorts of out there creative stuff, etc., and to a lot of people here that apparently makes me "a fuckin homo" or an asshole... I could meet someone to talk to everyday in NYC, but in suburban NJ I'm an outsider eyed with suspicion... which is why I moved to the city in the first place. I can't get back there until I have more way more advanced job skills to find work since technology has completely changed the field I'm in.
* Due to all of the things I experienced growing up I developed a whole mess of ways to cope that are utterly wrong for being an adult. Not really alcohol or anything, just ways of thinking and living that aren't realistic or healthy at all, which includes panic, disassociation, anxiety, etc. I've dismantled a lot of them, but I have no new ways of coping, which is particularly bad since I don't have any social support whatsoever. I looked at my cell phone and all the numbers in it are for people who've abused me. I realized this only recently, and it's kind-of a headfuck.
* My problems and difficulties make me "weak" and "pathetic" in the eyes of the public. I'm not that strong, decisive, put-together man I should be, and according to society it's 100% my fault and I should be shamed and kicked down for it. I'm a shambling wreck who's kept it together through sheer force of will and some degree of cleverness, but time's run out on how long that can work.
On and on and on.
Are there any rational ways to handle this? Because I'm sick of living in confusing pain and feeling powerless about my life. There is therapy, but I was abused by two therapists I tried out because I was raised to be abused, I guess you could say. And I'm stuck in an awful job environment that's eating me alive and I can't seem to get out of until I get healthier and build up my job skills, but it's hard to do when I'm inundated with overwhelming levels of stress at my job with no seeming way out. It's a vicious circle I can't seem to find a way out of.
I'm also afraid there aren't many therapists out there who can even help me out with these things ... and I need to have a good, stable job to even do that anyway, which I don't have right now, and can't get until I build up my job skills and put myself together more, which is hard since my sense of self has been so totally wrecked. So it's all come together into a perfect storm.
Thoughts, suggestions, arguments are greatly welcomed. Those "10 reasons not to kill yourself!" sites never have anything relevant to me, so maybe someone here can think of better reasons. Thank you!
This post was deleted for the following reason: I'm sorry that you've feeling this way, but suicide questions are not allowed on AskMe. Instead, members have assembled the There Is Help listing of hotlines and email addresses that you can reach out to for direct assistance right now. -- LobsterMitten
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