A kinder, gentler "Gotta go!"

August 3, 2015 9:36 AM

What are some scripts and/or techniques for ending conversations-- particularly in contexts where the other person clearly either needs or wants to talk?

I think I'm a fairly good listener; in conversations, I try hard to monitor the emotional state of the other person, make agreeable, supportive responses, ask lots of the right sort of questions, etc. I don't at all mind doing this in moderation (although as an introvert, I find it takes a lot of concentration and energy).

However, I sometimes find myself in situations where casual contact with people will escalate into longer servicing-type conversations (either cheerful ones, where I'm unpacking and affirming something they're proud of, or sadder ones, where I'm listening while they talk through something problematic) that I find it very difficult to ever "dismount" from, even when I really do need to go. When the other person is eagerly discussing their daughter's complicated wedding-planning process or their struggles caring for a sick relative or whatever, something about the situation makes it feel incredibly rude to answer a confidence with a "Yeah, uh, well, I should get to that meeting...". In the moment, it seems as though deliberately ending the conversation on my own initiative would be foregrounding that I've just been humoring the person and never really cared about what they were saying (which is sometimes true, but kind of defeats the social purpose of good-listening). Sometimes when I do succeed in ending the conversation, the other person will actually apologize for taking so much of my time, which just confirms my sense that by extracting myself I have officially failed at making a net contribution to their emotional welfare, thus making the whole thing a waste of both of our time.

I know this is a super common problem, and I'm familiar with the usual dismount techniques that are recommended in situations like this ("Boy, look at the time," etc.). But I'm wondering if anyone has hit on any gentler and less abrupt scripts for cutting off conversations while still making the other person feel affirmed and heard. How can I catch my bus on time, but still have the interaction end on a satisfying and connected note? Thanks in advance!

posted by Bardolph to Human Relations (15 answers total)

"Sorry, I've got to run. Feel free to stop by [tomorrow / later this week / next week] if you need to talk some more. Hang in there!"
posted by schroedingersgirl at 9:48 AM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I'd recommend combining a validating statement with your need to leave and also affirming that you'd like to talk again soon (if that's actually the case):

(For a person talking about sad stuff)

"I'm so sorry that you're dealing with XYZ right now. I know how tough that can be. Listen, I'm a little late for my meeting, but I'd love to talk again soon, alright? Hang in there.."

(For a person talking about happy stuff)

"I'm so glad to hear how well things are going for you right now! You deserve it! Listen, I have to get going, but let's catch up again soon?"


posted by Gray Skies at 9:48 AM on August 3, 2015 [7 favorites]

Best answer: Oh damn it, it's almost 2:00. I lost track of time. Stupid daggity [staff meeting/appointment] is in ten minutes. Can I hit you back tonight or you call again at [x-close-to-now time] or so? I have to hear the rest of this story ASAP/this is awful and I want to talk about it more when I'm not all rushed.

Also don't worry because no matter what you say it will be better than "well, I guess I'll let you go."

Recently I noticed with some amusement that my friend and I signal the winding down of our phone conversations to one another by saying, "AAANyway..." When each of us has said "AAANyway..." three or four times, we seem to have fulfilled the contractual obligations of the phone call and successfully navigated the difficult transition from talking to not talking and we both feel comfortable with the idea of hanging up. But that's in casual conversation not crisis-mode conversation.
posted by Don Pepino at 10:11 AM on August 3, 2015

Best answer: the other person will actually apologize for taking so much of my time, which just confirms my sense that by extracting myself I have officially failed at making a net contribution to their emotional welfare, thus making the whole thing a waste of both of our time.

You are looking at this from your own self-deprecating perspective. What is probably happening is that the other person knows how much they have gotten from the conversation and how little attention they paid to their your needs - it is a sign that you gave a lot.

At the same time, you don't want to leave them uncomfortable. Start by following Gray Skies's script which uses the kind of sandwich construction that people recommend for giving negative feedback or other hard to hear news:
Good news (emphasize connection): validation - I hear you and connect to your story
Bad news (disconnection): I have to go now
Good news (connection): but I would like to talk with you again

Second suggestion: if they do apologize, respond by telling them what you got from the conversation, making them see that it did not feel lopsided to you:
Good news: Your good news made my day! thanks for sharing
Detailed problems: it was fascinating to learn so much about wedding planning - that is a really complex challenge!
Sad news: I am honored that you were willing to share to intimate feelings with me. Thank you.
posted by metahawk at 10:13 AM on August 3, 2015 [4 favorites]

"Whoops, there's the doorbell; gotta go! Talk to you later."
posted by BostonTerrier at 10:14 AM on August 3, 2015

Best answer: It depends on the situation but generally if you are in the middle of something, like work, then you obviously can't use that time for chit-chatting. Try to make time after work for a beer or coffee or tea so that you can catch up with that person. Then you can simply say, "I have to get back to work but let's meet tonight after work and catch up." Then your social life is not neglected and you won't get into trouble from the boss.

OTOH, if you don't want to continue the conversation at all, ever be honest with the person.
posted by JJ86 at 10:34 AM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]

"I hate to have to interrupt you because I want to keep talking to you about this, but I have a meeting that I have to get to. Let's continue this conversation over a beer after work/coffee during lunch/walk in the morning?"
posted by greta simone at 10:38 AM on August 3, 2015 [2 favorites]

yeah, JJ86 has a good point: if you don't want to finish talking about whateveritis, do say so because the person will figure it out eventually anyway and will be hurt. But if you do want to keep talking, don't just say "call back if you want to talk more," say "I want to talk more."
posted by Don Pepino at 10:46 AM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I've found the words "I have to let you go" sillily re-assuring in such situations, like the person is actively sad about their departing/kicking me out, usually in a sandwich like above.

For example: "Amazing! Your puppy sounds like a handful! Oh, hey, I'm sorry, I'm going to have to let you go now, I gotta get back to work. But keep me updated, I'm glad to hear you're having fun puppy times."
posted by ldthomps at 11:52 AM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I find that saying, "Well, it was great seeing you" is a strong signal that the conversation is ending without implying "I am too busy for you" or "I'm bored" or any reasoning at all. It's just the end of the conversation without an excuse or apology.
posted by AppleTurnover at 12:11 PM on August 3, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: The most effective method I've experienced, on both sides of this, is to frame the time limit at the beginning of the interaction. This probably sounds dry and mechanical, but it's gentle in that it prepares the other person for what could otherwise feel like an abrupt or awkward ending. "Hi! I have about 90 seconds, then I need to pack my bag and run for the bus." "Hey, I'm on the way out the door, how about you give me the headlines so I know what we have to catch up on later?" When I want to talk, I ask if it's a good time and if they have five minutes, and then I stick to that, cutting myself off when the time's up.

Sometimes when I do succeed in ending the conversation, the other person will actually apologize for taking so much of my time

Their discomfort upon becoming aware of having requested and accepted your emotional labor without providing anything in return is healthy. Attempting to alleviate their healthy discomfort by performing more emotional labor just wastes everyone's time and further imbalances the interaction.

while still making the other person feel affirmed and heard.

If, after you've affirmed and heard them, they feel unaffirmed and unheard when you need to go, because the time and energy you gave wasn't at the extreme limits of what they might ideally-for-them have wanted to soak up, then they need to do some CBT exercises out of Feeling Good, or some other kind of self care. There's no way to steer conversations based on that kind of neediness into ending on a satisfying and connected note.

Maybe your situations are less extreme than what I'm thinking of, maybe you get more sleep and overall have more free bandwidth than I do. If I have, say, three five-minute units per day to spend on listening to someone else's situation, I have to be pretty selective about who gets them. Every No frees up energy for an enthusiastic Yes to those closer to me, or to service providers who don't usually get asked and are surprised I'm staying to hear them out. Neighbor whinging about HOA? Shutting that down means I have energy to ask the butcher why she looks as tired as I feel, and then listen. Co-passenger in local ride-share bidding for sympathy about their car being towed? Flat-out ignoring means that, once at my destination, I can listen to friend's concern about his toddler's development, and interact with said toddler.

FWIW, someone who wants to talk about wedding planning or puppy training or chemotherapy or humblebrag will find a listener. The sooner I disengage myself, the sooner they'll connect with someone who enjoys that and is happy to make time.
posted by wonton endangerment at 12:37 PM on August 3, 2015 [3 favorites]

If I want to continue talking about whatever, I ask the person when a good time to keep talking about it is. Like, I was talking about a website design with a friend last night but had to crash because I was tired. So I asked her when this week would be good to follow up and made a calendar note. Conversation delayed but not denied.
posted by klangklangston at 2:17 PM on August 3, 2015

Best answer: Hey - just jumping in to follow on to what wonton endangerment said.

1) set out at the beginning roughly how much time you have and whether you are in "chat mode" or not.

2) start sending wrap up signals a minute before you have to leave so that you don't have to cut people off mid thought

3) end with an offer of future time (but put the ball in their court.)
posted by mercredi at 2:25 PM on August 3, 2015 [2 favorites]

Best answer: What works for me if I'm short on time or when I meet someone in transit and don't have time for in-depth conversation:

- don't engage as fully as I would if I had time for a 3 hour heart to heart
- that means being understanding (oh, sorry to hear that, or boy,that sounds tough) but no follow-up in-depth questions about how/why/where
- I announce as quickly as I can that I'm on my way out to wherever or that someone is waiting for me in 15 minutes and that I really want to hear more, let's book a time to meet for tea/drinks

I found this more effective than fully engaging in compassionate conversation and encouraging details only to have to cut them short with some canned phrase because I realistically only had 5 minutes for chitchat.
posted by Karotz at 4:55 PM on August 3, 2015 [3 favorites]

Excuse yourself to go to the restroom. When you come back, say it is so nice talking to them but you just realized the time and you have to run to **other regrettable but necessary commitment**. If you want to hear more about it later, say so, and suggest a time and place.
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 1:17 AM on August 4, 2015