I'm ok w/marriages, but uncomfortable w/ wedding ceremonies. Who else?
July 19, 2015 8:18 PM Subscribe
This post is sort of building on the comments generated by another recent post ( "First Comes Love". ). It is about my dislike of wedding ceremonies for their arcane symbolism and my bewilderment that they are still so prevalent. This summer I went to 4 weddings (!) of all different styles and with brides grooms and families of sundry political leanings and temperaments, from the conservative and reactionary to the liberal and very casual, and most recently, to an anarchist wedding (so much for rebelling against the state, though in their defense the marriage was needed to keep one of them in the country ). I support the legal reasons for marriage but what makes me uncomfortable are wedding ceremonies.
Attending these, even the most radical/ queer/ non gender conforming kinds, I felt almost radically anterior, different, marked, as if my bad feelings about weddings are visible like a dark rain cloud over my head. While I went to support the couples part of me felt like I was losing them to a privileged realm of smug adulthood and maturity that only those who have chosen to submit to the rites of the wedding can enter. As if, on that day, the couple is suddenly gifted with the responsibility, maturity and adulthood that the community seems to have symbolically offered them. Here's are my thoughts on this weird rite.
1.The public performance of love and support. Why does no one question the notion that the wedding is by default, the best way to show community support? Let's think about this for a second. Sure it's sweet, but aren't there other ways to do this? Why this need to "seal the deal" in front of a community of simultaneous witnesses? Don't you already do that all the time, by being "with" your partner? Is the couple's daily demonstration of love not convincing enough? Is their community's tacit support of them as a couple in every day matters not enough? Why the insecurity about the whole thing? It feels so antiquated and old world to me.
2. Related to this public performance is the coming of age ritual that comes with the wedding speeches and performances given by friends and family. If the wedding ceremony is an aforementioned public stamp of approval of the couple ( as mentioned in point 1) why are we talking so much about the individuals? And, moreover, in a tone that almost feels nostalgic, elegiac? Could I be right in detecting this tone? Almost as if what is being celebrated and mourned are the individuality of the bride and groom prior to their present metamorphosis into an official UNIT at the wedding. Again an old fashioned and useless metaphor to think about marriage with.
Which leads me to conclude with the question: Why must we save this huge public party (1), these fun old stories (2) for a wedding? Can't this be planned out or delivered spontaneously at a big birthday? While I know that the wedding is an apropos opportunity to reunite friends and family under one roof, as someone who may never get married, I risk never getting that wonderful public endorsement, of me, my old foibles, my personality quirks, my passions, my wonderful generous nature, etc. etc. etc. And who wouldn't want that? I propose we stop making weddings the central public events of people's adult lives. We can take what's good and useful about the wedding (family and friends gets to meet each other ) and make it a casual affair, and as for the other stuff, why don't we adapt it to other more exciting kinds of events and uses?
Attending these, even the most radical/ queer/ non gender conforming kinds, I felt almost radically anterior, different, marked, as if my bad feelings about weddings are visible like a dark rain cloud over my head. While I went to support the couples part of me felt like I was losing them to a privileged realm of smug adulthood and maturity that only those who have chosen to submit to the rites of the wedding can enter. As if, on that day, the couple is suddenly gifted with the responsibility, maturity and adulthood that the community seems to have symbolically offered them. Here's are my thoughts on this weird rite.
1.The public performance of love and support. Why does no one question the notion that the wedding is by default, the best way to show community support? Let's think about this for a second. Sure it's sweet, but aren't there other ways to do this? Why this need to "seal the deal" in front of a community of simultaneous witnesses? Don't you already do that all the time, by being "with" your partner? Is the couple's daily demonstration of love not convincing enough? Is their community's tacit support of them as a couple in every day matters not enough? Why the insecurity about the whole thing? It feels so antiquated and old world to me.
2. Related to this public performance is the coming of age ritual that comes with the wedding speeches and performances given by friends and family. If the wedding ceremony is an aforementioned public stamp of approval of the couple ( as mentioned in point 1) why are we talking so much about the individuals? And, moreover, in a tone that almost feels nostalgic, elegiac? Could I be right in detecting this tone? Almost as if what is being celebrated and mourned are the individuality of the bride and groom prior to their present metamorphosis into an official UNIT at the wedding. Again an old fashioned and useless metaphor to think about marriage with.
Which leads me to conclude with the question: Why must we save this huge public party (1), these fun old stories (2) for a wedding? Can't this be planned out or delivered spontaneously at a big birthday? While I know that the wedding is an apropos opportunity to reunite friends and family under one roof, as someone who may never get married, I risk never getting that wonderful public endorsement, of me, my old foibles, my personality quirks, my passions, my wonderful generous nature, etc. etc. etc. And who wouldn't want that? I propose we stop making weddings the central public events of people's adult lives. We can take what's good and useful about the wedding (family and friends gets to meet each other ) and make it a casual affair, and as for the other stuff, why don't we adapt it to other more exciting kinds of events and uses?
This post was deleted for the following reason: Heya, this has a lot of personal thoughts on the subject and not much in the way of a clear, answerable question of the sort that would really work for Ask Metafilter. -- cortex
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