When Both People are Emotionally Unavailable
July 8, 2015 9:06 AM Subscribe
Do you have stories where two people feel a strong connection but are both feeling like they need space from relationships? One is separated but going through a financially entangled divorce.
I am 27, he is 31. I have been in two, back-to-back major relationships since I was 21. The most recent breakup in March was pretty traumatic in that the ex did something that made me see him and our relationship in an entirely new light. I'm moving on now and am able to see the relationship as "great guy but SO not right for me.
I met this new guy 2.5 weeks ago. He separated in January from a 3-year marriage where they married within 9 months. This is similar to my last relationship, where we were professing passionate, forever love within months and it lasted 3.5 years before blowing up. However, he still sees his ex in mediation to work out financial matters. She is rather dependent on him and he is trying to balance helping her out, guilt, and resentment. I like him better for trying to still be there for her in her time of need. The divorce is not finalized but I trust that it is over.
We had 5 dates over two weeks and they were... emotionally intimate in a way I haven't experienced. It is all the communication about sex and emotions that I craved from my ex. The sex is great too. Our last date was him spending the night and then us spending a whole day together walking, talking, and in bed. Our careers are very different (which I see as a flag), but otherwise, if I were not carrying around so much emotional baggage, I would likely be falling in love. I've been careful to not get carried away with thinking that he is awesome, but so far... he seems really awesome for me.
BUT we are both very cagey. He is very into his creative work, meditation, and spiritual health right now. I am very into learning how to be alone and finding self-motivation/self-love. He has explicitly said that he wants to feel separation from people romantically. When we met, his online profile stated that he can't handle anything but sex right now and I understood that; I was looking for the same thing too. We texted yesterday that we were both feeling claustrophobic and freaked out after our marathon "date," which honestly felt more like days I used to spend with my ex, when we were in love. I hardly have time to balance everything else in my life and I can already feel the gravitational pull of this new guy superseding all my personal projects. But I like him, see enormous compatibility potential, and want to slowly pursue a dating relationship with him. I just wish I could let go of this weird feeling in my chest telling me to slow down!
On his part, he wrote that he wants to respect this feeling of needing space, that "he doesn't know how to see me without feeling like it's a relationship" but that I've made him see what it is like to date someone he is more compatible with, and that we are connected more so than with even his past relationships. he wants to chill for a week or so.
I actually agree with everything he wrote. We definitely fall right into feeling like a relationship and have talked about things I never would have dreamed about talking to my ex about.
But I also want to date him. I am very much looking for a life partner and with our emotional connection, I see him as a possibility. But I don't know where his mind is at because he hasn't explicitly said "I want to date" or "I see us going somewhere."
1. Is it possible to not know how to see someone without it feeling like a relationship, but at the same time, not actually be into dating them?
2. How do I cultivate this fragile thing? I want to give/take space, but I don't want us to fall out of touch and for him to meet someone else when he is ready. How do I navigate both feeling like I need space myself and also the space of a much more mired, confused divorcing man?
I know I need to focus on my own life and wait out the week, but any anecdotes about two cagey, guarded people eventually coming together (or not) would be wonderful!
I am 27, he is 31. I have been in two, back-to-back major relationships since I was 21. The most recent breakup in March was pretty traumatic in that the ex did something that made me see him and our relationship in an entirely new light. I'm moving on now and am able to see the relationship as "great guy but SO not right for me.
I met this new guy 2.5 weeks ago. He separated in January from a 3-year marriage where they married within 9 months. This is similar to my last relationship, where we were professing passionate, forever love within months and it lasted 3.5 years before blowing up. However, he still sees his ex in mediation to work out financial matters. She is rather dependent on him and he is trying to balance helping her out, guilt, and resentment. I like him better for trying to still be there for her in her time of need. The divorce is not finalized but I trust that it is over.
We had 5 dates over two weeks and they were... emotionally intimate in a way I haven't experienced. It is all the communication about sex and emotions that I craved from my ex. The sex is great too. Our last date was him spending the night and then us spending a whole day together walking, talking, and in bed. Our careers are very different (which I see as a flag), but otherwise, if I were not carrying around so much emotional baggage, I would likely be falling in love. I've been careful to not get carried away with thinking that he is awesome, but so far... he seems really awesome for me.
BUT we are both very cagey. He is very into his creative work, meditation, and spiritual health right now. I am very into learning how to be alone and finding self-motivation/self-love. He has explicitly said that he wants to feel separation from people romantically. When we met, his online profile stated that he can't handle anything but sex right now and I understood that; I was looking for the same thing too. We texted yesterday that we were both feeling claustrophobic and freaked out after our marathon "date," which honestly felt more like days I used to spend with my ex, when we were in love. I hardly have time to balance everything else in my life and I can already feel the gravitational pull of this new guy superseding all my personal projects. But I like him, see enormous compatibility potential, and want to slowly pursue a dating relationship with him. I just wish I could let go of this weird feeling in my chest telling me to slow down!
On his part, he wrote that he wants to respect this feeling of needing space, that "he doesn't know how to see me without feeling like it's a relationship" but that I've made him see what it is like to date someone he is more compatible with, and that we are connected more so than with even his past relationships. he wants to chill for a week or so.
I actually agree with everything he wrote. We definitely fall right into feeling like a relationship and have talked about things I never would have dreamed about talking to my ex about.
But I also want to date him. I am very much looking for a life partner and with our emotional connection, I see him as a possibility. But I don't know where his mind is at because he hasn't explicitly said "I want to date" or "I see us going somewhere."
1. Is it possible to not know how to see someone without it feeling like a relationship, but at the same time, not actually be into dating them?
2. How do I cultivate this fragile thing? I want to give/take space, but I don't want us to fall out of touch and for him to meet someone else when he is ready. How do I navigate both feeling like I need space myself and also the space of a much more mired, confused divorcing man?
I know I need to focus on my own life and wait out the week, but any anecdotes about two cagey, guarded people eventually coming together (or not) would be wonderful!
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- cortex
Set relationship boundaries. This is likely not a thing you've done since you've been in LTRs for a decade. Simple rules: X overnights per month, Y dates per week, N amount phone/text contact.
You've essentially never been single and you've been with this guy 2.5 weeks. You are anything BUT emotionally unavailable. Your instinct to slow down is 100% on point.
posted by French Fry at 9:18 AM on July 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
You've essentially never been single and you've been with this guy 2.5 weeks. You are anything BUT emotionally unavailable. Your instinct to slow down is 100% on point.
posted by French Fry at 9:18 AM on July 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
How do I cultivate this fragile thing? I want to give/take space, but I don't want us to fall out of touch and for him to meet someone else when he is ready. How do I navigate both feeling like I need space myself and also the space of a much more mired, confused divorcing man?
Oh, dear. I know you're feeling very tender and delicate and head-over-heels right now, but you've only known of this guy's existence for a couple of weeks, you're already sleeping together, and he's still married. The absolute bottom line (as painful as I know it is to hear) is that there won't be anything at all for either of you to try to cultivate until his divorce has actually happened, not just in word but in deed. Legally. Permanently. Period. Ask how I found out, or don't, because the "we're just working out the finances/details, gonna finalize that divorce any minute now!" story is the oldest one in the book.
You got involved with a person who explicitly said they "can't handle anything but sex right now" but then you changed your mind, which is absolutely your right (god knows I've done it myself) but also generally a recipe for disaster. I know it's so tempting to shut out all of the unfortunate truths and immerse yourself in the warm, inviting waters of limerence, but your priority needs to shift from trying to find a way to keep this person in your life to protecting your heart and your own best interests to the exclusion of everything else. If nothing else, I'd recommend a break of at least 48-72 hours between each time you see each other to make sure both of you can cool off before you dive back in. And if you can't take a step back from the hyperspeed, ramped-up physicality and emotions you're experiencing right now without legitimately fearing that you'll fall out of touch/he'll meet someone else he likes more than you, you really can't trust that he's going to be a good possibility when it comes to choosing a life partner.
Mostly I just want to say that the divorce MUST be finalized before you take a single step toward cultivating an actual relationship with this person. Married dudes, especially ones who are still so deeply entangled with their wives' personal, emotional, and financial lives in spite of an ongoing separation, are an extremely risky endeavor, and one that doesn't tend to end well for the actually-single person in the equation.
Good luck, minoraltercation, this is a very tough road to walk.
posted by divined by radio at 9:30 AM on July 8, 2015 [15 favorites]
Oh, dear. I know you're feeling very tender and delicate and head-over-heels right now, but you've only known of this guy's existence for a couple of weeks, you're already sleeping together, and he's still married. The absolute bottom line (as painful as I know it is to hear) is that there won't be anything at all for either of you to try to cultivate until his divorce has actually happened, not just in word but in deed. Legally. Permanently. Period. Ask how I found out, or don't, because the "we're just working out the finances/details, gonna finalize that divorce any minute now!" story is the oldest one in the book.
You got involved with a person who explicitly said they "can't handle anything but sex right now" but then you changed your mind, which is absolutely your right (god knows I've done it myself) but also generally a recipe for disaster. I know it's so tempting to shut out all of the unfortunate truths and immerse yourself in the warm, inviting waters of limerence, but your priority needs to shift from trying to find a way to keep this person in your life to protecting your heart and your own best interests to the exclusion of everything else. If nothing else, I'd recommend a break of at least 48-72 hours between each time you see each other to make sure both of you can cool off before you dive back in. And if you can't take a step back from the hyperspeed, ramped-up physicality and emotions you're experiencing right now without legitimately fearing that you'll fall out of touch/he'll meet someone else he likes more than you, you really can't trust that he's going to be a good possibility when it comes to choosing a life partner.
Mostly I just want to say that the divorce MUST be finalized before you take a single step toward cultivating an actual relationship with this person. Married dudes, especially ones who are still so deeply entangled with their wives' personal, emotional, and financial lives in spite of an ongoing separation, are an extremely risky endeavor, and one that doesn't tend to end well for the actually-single person in the equation.
Good luck, minoraltercation, this is a very tough road to walk.
posted by divined by radio at 9:30 AM on July 8, 2015 [15 favorites]
I feel like he is being pretty upfront about what he wants and doesn't want. And it sounds like a relationship is on the "doesn't want" side. And it sounds like what he's been very clear that he does want ("just sex") is turning out to be difficult for you.
I totally get why you are into him, but I think it'd be best if you stepped back until after his divorce is finalized. If he's really the perfect guy for you, you'll be able to pick back up when you're both truly emotionally available.
posted by missjenny at 9:56 AM on July 8, 2015
I totally get why you are into him, but I think it'd be best if you stepped back until after his divorce is finalized. If he's really the perfect guy for you, you'll be able to pick back up when you're both truly emotionally available.
posted by missjenny at 9:56 AM on July 8, 2015
It is all the communication about sex and emotions that I craved from my ex.
Something that's been kind of an a-ha moment for me is this: stop comparing new partners to old partners. Assess a new (potential) partner on their own strengths and weaknesses, and not in contrast to someone previous.
But I don't know where his mind is at because he hasn't explicitly said "I want to date" or "I see us going somewhere."
The only way to know where someone's mind is at is to ask them. I was seeing a guy recently, we had a couple of misfires in communication, and I said (not a direct quote): "I like you. Romantically. I would like to date you, without diving into anything really serious, and see how that works out. Does any of that align with what you would like?" (It did; we decided last week that it was nice and all, and we probably work better as friends.)
So, straight up ask him what he wants to happen. Tell him what you would like to happen. Tease out between you how much those two things mesh, and if you both have the desire and will to negotiate so they can mesh together better.
Echoing divined by radio: so very much of the time, a divorce ain't over until it's over. With that in mind it might be more effective for you to say "I like you, as in Like you like you. And I think it's best for both of us, as you said, to chill for a while. When your divorce is finalized, let's talk."
Bear in mind also that finalizing a divorce can also take a lot of time after for him to truly process.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:56 AM on July 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
Something that's been kind of an a-ha moment for me is this: stop comparing new partners to old partners. Assess a new (potential) partner on their own strengths and weaknesses, and not in contrast to someone previous.
But I don't know where his mind is at because he hasn't explicitly said "I want to date" or "I see us going somewhere."
The only way to know where someone's mind is at is to ask them. I was seeing a guy recently, we had a couple of misfires in communication, and I said (not a direct quote): "I like you. Romantically. I would like to date you, without diving into anything really serious, and see how that works out. Does any of that align with what you would like?" (It did; we decided last week that it was nice and all, and we probably work better as friends.)
So, straight up ask him what he wants to happen. Tell him what you would like to happen. Tease out between you how much those two things mesh, and if you both have the desire and will to negotiate so they can mesh together better.
Echoing divined by radio: so very much of the time, a divorce ain't over until it's over. With that in mind it might be more effective for you to say "I like you, as in Like you like you. And I think it's best for both of us, as you said, to chill for a while. When your divorce is finalized, let's talk."
Bear in mind also that finalizing a divorce can also take a lot of time after for him to truly process.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 9:56 AM on July 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
Well, he's told you two things. That he doesn't want a relationship, and that when he sees you, it feels like a relationship. And you've said two things: that you know you want to pursue a relationship, but that you have a feeling in your chest telling you to slow down.
Luckily, the solution of taking some time and space will benefit both of you. It'll disrupt that new-relationship/great-sex infatuation for you and help you think clearly about what you need from him going forward. If at the end of the hiatus, you still want to pursue something, you will just have to tell him what you want and believe him when he responds, whatever he responds.
FWIW, to me it does not sound totally hopeless. Yes, you're both a bit cagey and he's still married and has clearly stated he's not ready to commit at the moment, but that doesn't mean your connection is meaningless. If you trust the connection, then put your faith in that and hope for the best. This might be one of those "if you love something, set it free" situations.
As hard as it may be, I'd give it several months or wait until he's post-divorce, whichever comes later (i.e., not just a week or two) and then just be honest with him about what you want, and then you'll know where you stand. In the meantime you should get back to your personal projects, maybe even date if the opportunity arises, so that you're not just putting your life on hold for "maybe someday."
posted by kapers at 10:01 AM on July 8, 2015
Luckily, the solution of taking some time and space will benefit both of you. It'll disrupt that new-relationship/great-sex infatuation for you and help you think clearly about what you need from him going forward. If at the end of the hiatus, you still want to pursue something, you will just have to tell him what you want and believe him when he responds, whatever he responds.
FWIW, to me it does not sound totally hopeless. Yes, you're both a bit cagey and he's still married and has clearly stated he's not ready to commit at the moment, but that doesn't mean your connection is meaningless. If you trust the connection, then put your faith in that and hope for the best. This might be one of those "if you love something, set it free" situations.
As hard as it may be, I'd give it several months or wait until he's post-divorce, whichever comes later (i.e., not just a week or two) and then just be honest with him about what you want, and then you'll know where you stand. In the meantime you should get back to your personal projects, maybe even date if the opportunity arises, so that you're not just putting your life on hold for "maybe someday."
posted by kapers at 10:01 AM on July 8, 2015
1. No, it's not possible. You're telling yourself you're chill and cool about this, but you're not. You want a relationship with him and for him to fall for you. You just haven't fully admitted it to yourself yet.
2. You can't nurture this thing. It started admittedly poorly and you got attached. That really bites, but it doesn't make the problems of poor timing and emotional unreadiness go away. Your best chance is to demonstrate strong self-respect, make a clean break with him, and tell him you want and deserve more than a half-assed confused miasma of a "relationship." There's like a 20% chance he'll really respect you for this, get his shit together, and look you up in 6 months/three years/whatever. This is the best chance you have, but you don't want to hear it. You want higher, better odds than 20% and a surefire way to make him love you. There isn't one.
posted by quincunx at 10:20 AM on July 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
2. You can't nurture this thing. It started admittedly poorly and you got attached. That really bites, but it doesn't make the problems of poor timing and emotional unreadiness go away. Your best chance is to demonstrate strong self-respect, make a clean break with him, and tell him you want and deserve more than a half-assed confused miasma of a "relationship." There's like a 20% chance he'll really respect you for this, get his shit together, and look you up in 6 months/three years/whatever. This is the best chance you have, but you don't want to hear it. You want higher, better odds than 20% and a surefire way to make him love you. There isn't one.
posted by quincunx at 10:20 AM on July 8, 2015 [2 favorites]
Great answers so far. I'll touch on a specific part of your question:
2. How do I cultivate this fragile thing? I want to give/take space, but I don't want us to fall out of touch and for him to meet someone else when he is ready.
It is completely natural to not want to lose the chance to be with this amazing guy. At the same time, if this amazing guy is the right guy for you, he'll be there after he has time to process the divorce.
My experience: Almost four years ago, I met an awesome guy who had recently gotten out of a five year relationship. We had gone on a couple casual dates - coffee and hiking - when I learned he had been broke up with her only 2-3 months prior. While I didn't want to miss out on being with him (he's not perfect, but he's sooo perfect for me!), I immediately pumped the brakes. Just from the amount of time they'd been together, I felt it was important for him to have time to process. He agreed. Things were on ice for the next four months, until he explicitly said, "Processing time is over, I'm ready to be with you." We started dating for real. We'll be celebrating our first anniversary of marriage in 2 months!
Cultivate this fragile thing by space and time. Time is key for healing. Don't rush it.
posted by horizonseeker at 10:55 AM on July 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
2. How do I cultivate this fragile thing? I want to give/take space, but I don't want us to fall out of touch and for him to meet someone else when he is ready.
It is completely natural to not want to lose the chance to be with this amazing guy. At the same time, if this amazing guy is the right guy for you, he'll be there after he has time to process the divorce.
My experience: Almost four years ago, I met an awesome guy who had recently gotten out of a five year relationship. We had gone on a couple casual dates - coffee and hiking - when I learned he had been broke up with her only 2-3 months prior. While I didn't want to miss out on being with him (he's not perfect, but he's sooo perfect for me!), I immediately pumped the brakes. Just from the amount of time they'd been together, I felt it was important for him to have time to process. He agreed. Things were on ice for the next four months, until he explicitly said, "Processing time is over, I'm ready to be with you." We started dating for real. We'll be celebrating our first anniversary of marriage in 2 months!
Cultivate this fragile thing by space and time. Time is key for healing. Don't rush it.
posted by horizonseeker at 10:55 AM on July 8, 2015 [3 favorites]
This is similar to my last relationship, where we were professing passionate, forever love within months
So, both of you have a tendency to launch into very dramatically passionate, very fast moving, quickly emotionally enmeshed relationships with people who end up not being the right match for you. And, now you're both launching into one together after recent break-ups/divorce. And, you're already deep in and it's been 2.5 weeks.
Both of you seem to think that you'll be able to manage this and create a slow pace, but nothing in your histories indicates that this is how either of you is wired. You're already sacrificing personal projects in favor of his gravitational pull. It's not even been 3 weeks and you're sacrificing yourself. You're playing with fire.
Leave this be and continue to work on being alone and learning to love yourself (and others) in a healthy and balanced way. Give yourself some time to learn what it means to be single and an adult. You won't be sorry that you did it.
posted by quince at 11:18 AM on July 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
So, both of you have a tendency to launch into very dramatically passionate, very fast moving, quickly emotionally enmeshed relationships with people who end up not being the right match for you. And, now you're both launching into one together after recent break-ups/divorce. And, you're already deep in and it's been 2.5 weeks.
Both of you seem to think that you'll be able to manage this and create a slow pace, but nothing in your histories indicates that this is how either of you is wired. You're already sacrificing personal projects in favor of his gravitational pull. It's not even been 3 weeks and you're sacrificing yourself. You're playing with fire.
Leave this be and continue to work on being alone and learning to love yourself (and others) in a healthy and balanced way. Give yourself some time to learn what it means to be single and an adult. You won't be sorry that you did it.
posted by quince at 11:18 AM on July 8, 2015 [4 favorites]
From observation and experience, most people go through a "transitional partner" between serious partners. Part of the reason it's so intense and great and hot is that you're burning off an old identity, but the relationship runs through all its fuel very quickly and stops being a very good fit. You can choose to step back from the heat and see where things fall as the two of you finish going through your own stuff, and one of three outcomes are possible:
1) You're still a good match, and since you didn't burn yourselves out you can successfully navigate a relationship on more solid footing
2) You never were a good match, which you realize once your dust settles, and you should have just taken the intense companionship and hot sex for what it was. One day you'll look back and understand it was a Right Place/Wrong Time scenario.
3) You'll wish you'd met him a year later, because he's great but you're both tainted by the shit you're in the middle of and it burned that bridge forever. Wrong Place/Wrong Time.
I don't want [...] for him to meet someone else when he is ready
Staying with someone so nobody else can have him is not a great relationship motivation, and it won't work out in the long run. You have to accept that there are other people in the world who are as good if not better for him than you, and this isn't just about you. If he reaches the point of ready, and you're not the person he wants to be with...why would you want to be with him?
posted by Lyn Never at 11:42 AM on July 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
1) You're still a good match, and since you didn't burn yourselves out you can successfully navigate a relationship on more solid footing
2) You never were a good match, which you realize once your dust settles, and you should have just taken the intense companionship and hot sex for what it was. One day you'll look back and understand it was a Right Place/Wrong Time scenario.
3) You'll wish you'd met him a year later, because he's great but you're both tainted by the shit you're in the middle of and it burned that bridge forever. Wrong Place/Wrong Time.
I don't want [...] for him to meet someone else when he is ready
Staying with someone so nobody else can have him is not a great relationship motivation, and it won't work out in the long run. You have to accept that there are other people in the world who are as good if not better for him than you, and this isn't just about you. If he reaches the point of ready, and you're not the person he wants to be with...why would you want to be with him?
posted by Lyn Never at 11:42 AM on July 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm in a relationship that formed like this and it works!
I was married for 8 years and had an exhausting and expensive divorce... I had turned into a cynical and bitter hot mess. My newfound partner saw the potential in the ruins but had just done a career change and was also exhausted when we met.
I absolutely knew she was awesome AND I knew I have a tendency to throw myself into things 110% from the beginning... but made a decision to try slowing it all down so we could find our best selves and connect those.
set boundaries, respect them, take as much time and space as you need and communicate a lot about all of the things.
Although the passion was intense from the beginning, the love part was a really super slow burn for us... and has resulted in the richest and deepest relationship of my life.
We are at 3 years and going strong.
posted by bobdow at 3:23 PM on July 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
I was married for 8 years and had an exhausting and expensive divorce... I had turned into a cynical and bitter hot mess. My newfound partner saw the potential in the ruins but had just done a career change and was also exhausted when we met.
I absolutely knew she was awesome AND I knew I have a tendency to throw myself into things 110% from the beginning... but made a decision to try slowing it all down so we could find our best selves and connect those.
set boundaries, respect them, take as much time and space as you need and communicate a lot about all of the things.
Although the passion was intense from the beginning, the love part was a really super slow burn for us... and has resulted in the richest and deepest relationship of my life.
We are at 3 years and going strong.
posted by bobdow at 3:23 PM on July 8, 2015 [1 favorite]
I got married at 19 to another 19 year old. I had been sexually abused as a kid and he had his own reasons for being emotionally unavailable. We were married 22 years and I have two grown sons from the marriage that I am still very close to. No regrets.
One of our favorite TV shows as a couple, that we watched all the time together, was Remington Steele. I don't recall much about any of the mysteries that were solved on the show. I mostly recall that it was about a mystery man that showed up just when she needed him most to pretend to be the boss she had invented out of thin air when no one would hire a female detective and they were wildly attracted to each but could not seem to get it together for one reason or another. The series eventually ended and there were a few made for TV movies extending the series after the regular show ended. They finally sleep together at the very end of the very last movie, IIRC.
I am okay with having married the man I married. Perhaps picking up a box set of the TV show Remington Steele would be good Cinamatherapy for you two.
Best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 3:57 PM on July 8, 2015
One of our favorite TV shows as a couple, that we watched all the time together, was Remington Steele. I don't recall much about any of the mysteries that were solved on the show. I mostly recall that it was about a mystery man that showed up just when she needed him most to pretend to be the boss she had invented out of thin air when no one would hire a female detective and they were wildly attracted to each but could not seem to get it together for one reason or another. The series eventually ended and there were a few made for TV movies extending the series after the regular show ended. They finally sleep together at the very end of the very last movie, IIRC.
I am okay with having married the man I married. Perhaps picking up a box set of the TV show Remington Steele would be good Cinamatherapy for you two.
Best of luck.
posted by Michele in California at 3:57 PM on July 8, 2015
Boundaries are critical in times like this, and require the help of both people. It sounds like both of you are freaked out after way too much intimacy too quickly - so agree on limited times you see each other to date. Make them real dates, like alternate planning and stuff, and make them relatively infrequent - once a week, perhaps; see what makes sense between the two of you and make it something both of you will enforce. Limit contact in between them so both of you have space to explore who you are alone; one of the hazards of an "out of the box" relationship like this is that being in a relationship is more comfortable than not being in one, so it's easy to fall into more than is healthy for you right now. It might make sense to walk back the sexual contact as well, but you both would know best about that.
How either of you react to setting these boundaries will give you a lot of information about what's going on with you. Who tries to test the boundaries and how does the other person react? Who wants more closeness in theory but less in practice? How do your needs change week to week? Who balks at planning for things, paying for things, and who is picky about what? If it works out, you will have set up a relationship where you both take responsibility for your side of things and have built a history of communicating your wants and needs. If it doesn't work out, you'll still have those skills to bring to a different relationship.
Good luck and best wishes.
posted by Deoridhe at 5:40 PM on July 8, 2015
How either of you react to setting these boundaries will give you a lot of information about what's going on with you. Who tries to test the boundaries and how does the other person react? Who wants more closeness in theory but less in practice? How do your needs change week to week? Who balks at planning for things, paying for things, and who is picky about what? If it works out, you will have set up a relationship where you both take responsibility for your side of things and have built a history of communicating your wants and needs. If it doesn't work out, you'll still have those skills to bring to a different relationship.
Good luck and best wishes.
posted by Deoridhe at 5:40 PM on July 8, 2015
When we met, his online profile stated that he can't handle anything but sex right now and I understood that; I was looking for the same thing too.
This is a prime example of why "just sex," does not work; humans are not wired this way. People who claim to not want to be in relationships have no business going on dates or dating sites. Someone always gets hurt.
(Also, it sounds like he hurt and is hurting his wife a lot.)
posted by Violet Hour at 9:38 PM on July 8, 2015
This is a prime example of why "just sex," does not work; humans are not wired this way. People who claim to not want to be in relationships have no business going on dates or dating sites. Someone always gets hurt.
(Also, it sounds like he hurt and is hurting his wife a lot.)
posted by Violet Hour at 9:38 PM on July 8, 2015
Nthing that your gut is wise.
I too have dated a guy like this. He was open and communicative about sex like nothing I'd ever experienced. "Just the finances to tie up along with the required waiting period and my divorce will be final," he said. Great dates, long days spent together, an occasional weekend.
That ended up being because it was nothing but an experiment for him. Along with the half-dozen other women he was "dating".
posted by fraula at 12:24 PM on July 9, 2015
I too have dated a guy like this. He was open and communicative about sex like nothing I'd ever experienced. "Just the finances to tie up along with the required waiting period and my divorce will be final," he said. Great dates, long days spent together, an occasional weekend.
That ended up being because it was nothing but an experiment for him. Along with the half-dozen other women he was "dating".
posted by fraula at 12:24 PM on July 9, 2015
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posted by minoraltercation at 9:09 AM on July 8, 2015