How do I deal with my sister and I's different recollections of the past?

December 1, 2005 11:18 AM

My sister and I have very different "memories" of our childhood. It makes it extremely difficult to communicate. I'm wondering if anyone has the same experience and what can be done about it.

We were raised by a single mom (I was born in 68, my sister in 65 and another sister (rip) in 63).

My sister was a "bad" kid. She smoked, did drugs, snuck out of the house, didn't come home at night, hung with a bad crowd, etc. etc. I didn't do any of those things though I wasn't an angel (stole stuff, shoplifted, etc.).

My mom wasn't very well educated (dropped out of high school) but overall, I think she did a great job raising her kids. My second sister had heart problems and her left hand was crippled and she died during surgery when she was 15.

My sister left home when she was 16 (my mom, me, and step dad of 3 months went out for lunch and when we came back my sister had moved out) and also didn't finish high school. I left when I was 24 and finished University.

Over the past few years my sister has made quiet grumblings about what a horrible childhood she had. The last year or so my sister's been in therapy and her grumblings are getting much louder. She claims my mother beat her repeatedly ("punched me in the face", etc.) and treated her like shit overall. I remember none of this. In fact, I don't think my mom ever hit any of us unless we "deserved" it and, then, a "traditional" spanking (over the knee and slapping one's bottom). (I'd rather not get into a discussion about spankings, just for the record.)

There was much yelling and plenty of grounding and "can't leave the table till you finish your dinner" type of things, but punching and such? Never. (Note that my sister is not claiming that these things were done when I wasn't around--which would be difficult as I was a nerdy homebody.)

In my opinion, my sister's memory is playing tricks on her and she's looking for reasons for having failed at much of the things she's tried. She's always in debt, moves from job to job, still hangs out with idiots, etc etc.

I know that her memory is a little "convenient" or "selective" as there are events that I know for certain happened that my sister cannot recall and vice versa. (For instance, I've bailed her out of trouble many, many times, both financially and otherwise, and she rarely recalls them and never has paid me back though she insistst that a) no loan took place or b) it was repaid.)

My sister is now dating a man who has a 14 year old kid. The other night my sister complained to me that the kid was a fuck up. "She smokes, does drugs, tells her dad to fuck off," etc. When I mentioned to her that I thought it was a bit hypocritical for her to be so hard on the kid she said her boyfriend's the "ideal dad" and didn't spend time "punching her in the face every other day" so the kid has no reason to behave poorly. (Though the man in question smokes, does drugs, and, in my opinion, is a moron.)

Our conversation ended very badly and it seems that more and more when we talk my sister starts bringing up the past that she insists is true. I've never come right out and said "You're lying" or "That never happened" as that seems kind of crazy and disrespectful. For all I know, maybe I'm burying memories (though I honestly don't think that's the case as I have tons of great memories from that time period).

Does anyone have experience with something similar? If so, what do you do about it? How can I have a conversation with my sister about my mother that doesn't make it sound like I think she's remembering things that didn't happen without be condescending or insulting? Or, how can I find out if these things did happen and I'm squashing the memories?

posted by Manhasset to human relations (33 comments total)

She could be "recovering" false memories with her therapist (related: False Memory Syndrome). This is not very rare.
posted by abcde at 11:37 AM on December 1, 2005

I once had a therapist who "encouraged" me to remember things of this nature. I wish I could remember drowning her.

I've seen this happen several times. Usually the patient is open to such things in the first place, and the therapist--intentionally or not--plants suggestions.

Sometimes the person gets over it (I did, and quickly), sometimes they don't.

In another scenario that I hope doesn't apply to you in any what whatsoever: my sister and I also have very different memories, because she has schizophrenia that is becoming progressively worse as she gets older. Things that happened only in her mind are very real to her. It started out with a bit of abuse, then extreme abuse, then right on through to alien abduction and cia surveillance.

The only thing I can recommend is patience; years of it. She's going to go through a stage where she feels she has to tell everybody about this, as well as a stage where she thinks everybody else has suffered abuse, including you. Sure, it's possible to repress memories, but it's a rare thing. Unfortunately, it's pretty easy to remember things that never happened, especially with guidance from an authority figure.
posted by frykitty at 11:38 AM on December 1, 2005

Many years ago my sister and I had a "conversation" about our various perspectives growing up. I was the "good kid" --did everything my parents told me to do (and rebelled only after I hit my 20s). My sister was the "black sheep" doing what she wanted while still in her teens.

Since I did as I was told I got "things" from my parents my sister didn't get (although she was offered them if she would be "good"). Years later, we sort of had it out about this.

Basically, what I told her was that we both "paid" for living in the house we did but in two different ways. I told her that ultimately there was a cost I had to pay for being the good kid. And that there was a cost she had to pay for the independence she had.

Thankfully she understood what I was talking about. BTW, I am the older one by two years.

If your sister has a chip on her shoulder there isn't much you can do about it except stay out of her way. You can't have a conversation with someone if you are miles apart and if she harbors any animosity towards you (for not seeing your collective past in the same way).
posted by Taken Outtacontext at 11:42 AM on December 1, 2005

I know people who sound a lot like her. Every bad thing that 'happens' to them is a result not of the choices they've made, but of being victimized. While I know that in a lot of cases there has been past abuse, it seems like the legit cases try to overcome their history while the fakers dwell on it, for whatever reason.
I don't think you'll be able to have a proper conversation with your sister until she gets her issues worked out; she seems to be using the alleged abuse as an excuse/crutch for her current situation, and her anger will overshadow everything, no matter how innocuous.
For a long time, I believed that something bad had happened to me when I was younger; upon deep reflection and detailed conversations with relatives, I realized that I was just trying to justify the depression and negativity I felt at that time. Repressed memory syndrome is still highly controversial, but from what I've read about it, I believe that most cases are manifestations of other issues. If you can't remember any abuse, I'd say that's because there wasn't any.

Good luck; she's very fortunate to have a sibling as supportive and caring as you.
posted by Alvy Ampersand at 11:55 AM on December 1, 2005

Thanks for the answers so far. For the record, my sister doesn't claim that I or my other sister were abused. Only her.

Second, the schizophrenia thing is interesting though, I assume, very rare. In the past few months my sister has started having seizures for the first time in her life (she's 40 this year). Last week she went in for various tests and an MRI but hasn't gotten the results yet. My other sister also used to have seizures (grand mal), but to my knowledge there's no history of schizophrenia in my family.

It also should be noted that my sister has been claiming the abuse thing since long before therapy. The only difference the therapy seems to have made is that she's describing the individual acts instead of encompassing them in a "I was beaten as a kid" statement.
posted by Manhasset at 12:00 PM on December 1, 2005

Cary Tennis recently addressed something similar, though not exactly the same, in his advice column on Salon, and I think his take on it might be helpful.

("There are many, many people in the world today who experience fleeting memories of early experiences that leave them briefly paralyzed or panicked or suffused with sadness. These feelings are real, and their sources are real, though not necessarily in a literal sense. In other words, you felt what you felt as a child. What you felt was real and true. And how you felt as a child affects how you feel today.")
posted by occhiblu at 12:01 PM on December 1, 2005 [1 favorite]

Wow, I gotta say, I think Taken Outtacontext's post caused me a total revelation and new respect for my "good son" older brother! Thank you so much for that! Really, I just never thought of it that way, thanks!
posted by Pollomacho at 12:01 PM on December 1, 2005

First, I'm sorry you're having a hard time with this, and I'm sorry you lost your baby sister.

I've been in your other sister's position. In my family, I'm the one they tend to cluck their tongues and shake their heads over. I wasn't all that bad, never did drugs or got arrested, but I did stay out and not come home, had the teenage sex and all that, yadda yadda.

Now, I have a very long memory, and some of my memories are pretty damn shitty. Unfortunately, several people in my family have openly expressed disbelief that some of the things I remember ever happened. As a result, I'm not close to any of them. They don't make any particular effort to keep in touch with me, and I'm not interested in maintaining a relationship with them.

Is this healthy? Probably not, but...Stuff happened. I'm 100% certain of this, and to be told, "You're lying," or more often than not, a more condescending, "That may be how you remember it, but..." is something that makes me, personally, shy away from any kind of deeper relationship or discussion with these people. I do admit that residual bitterness about the Stuff that I remember could possibly be coloring my memories, or at least influencing them, but it's just incredibly insulting to be called a liar by people who grew up in the same house that I did, absorbed the same dysfunctional vibes that I did, and even repeated some of the same mistakes that we all tried to tell ourselves were cautionary examples that we would never repeat in our own lives.

Anyway, to answer your question: If I were your sister, I wouldn't respond well at all to any hinting that my memories are manufactured or otherwise exaggerated. It's very, very possible that you're right and that she's saying these things to excuse her bad choices -- I admit that I've been guilty of that sort of thing myself, but I could never admit this to my relatives because of the humilation that I'd feel about "proving them right" about me. Your sister would probably feel the same way.

If you haven't said anything to your sister to imply she's lying or misremembering, she might not yet distrust you. You might be able to get away with carefully saying, "Dude, I really don't remember that happening. What else happened?" to draw more details out of her. Is your mother still alive? Can you discuss this with her at all?

I also want to say that if you sister is in her forties and blaming her unfortunate life on her bad childhood, she probably needs to get a different therapist -- one who'll more actively discourage her from blaming current problems on the past. I mean, I'm in my thirties and had a pretty miserable childhood, and yeah I'm still bitter about some of it, but I'm crystal clear on the fact that my adult problems are Adult Gator's problems, and not to be blamed on Little Gator's asswad family from twenty years ago.
posted by Gator at 12:05 PM on December 1, 2005 [1 favorite]

A couple of comments:

The first is that like Taken Outtacontext, my brother and I have very different perspectives on our relationships with our parents. He, for example, remembers with a great deal of bitterness that I was allowed to drive to school for exams and got a speeding ticket, while he always had to take the bus. I, on the other hand, remember that I got that speeding ticket while driving to an extra study session on a Sunday, and thus had no choice since school buses didn't run on Sundays. Contrarily, I remember with bitterness my parents always telling us they'd never buy us a car, and then buying him one when he finished university. He remembers asking to borrow the truck that they never drove anyway for a few months until he could afford something himself and them insisting on buying the car because the truck would be too hard on gas. It is possible for two people to have very different perspectives on the same events.

Two fundamentally different takes on the same events, though, are much more problematic. Combined with the therapy, and the seizures, I'm inclined to think that your sister has some mental health issues that go beyond 'a bad childhood'. Whether it's false memory syndrome, or burgeoning schizophrenia (she's a little older than the usual onset age for schizophrenia in women), a tumour (they can cause both seizures and behavioural changes) or something else entirely, I think she needs to be seeing an actual, medical doctor about the issue. A neurological exam might prove very enlightening.
posted by jacquilynne at 12:12 PM on December 1, 2005

My family has this going on all over the place. There is no definitive truth--everyone's memory is selective. I have family members who could all witness the same event, and each would tell a completely different account moments later.

People tend to remember the past as their personal myth. You write yourself in as the hero, the "good kid", the waif, the victim. Arguing with her isn't going to change it. She's probably going to resent you for "glossing over" what she seems to see as the truth.

And are you sure that your reality is any less subjective than hers? You were the "good" kid, so perhaps you spend a lot of time mediating, crossing your fingers for peaceful exchanges.

A personal example--my younger sister privileges memories that involve her, obviously (she's the baby and 6 years younger than I am). I was the classic bad kid/melancholy/rebel type. She also tends to glorify times we spent together focusing on her. So she remembers her 9th birthday as a happy memory of the family together. In reality, my brother was stoned and left early, I got in a fight with my mom, etc. When we talk about that particular birthday, I try to focus on the points we agree on. If we're really getting along, I'll point out some of my truth (that we're not a Norman Rockwell family), and generally we find that there is a point where our memories line up (like the fact that we all laughed at my sister sticking her face in the cake).

Baby steps. Unless you don't want a relationship at all, you need to try to compromise, even if she is being difficult.
posted by SassHat at 12:12 PM on December 1, 2005 [1 favorite]

I was never abused or had any experience such as you have although I'll tell you what I have learned. I have come to realize that my brother and I do "remember" quite different life experiences growing up. We both are close to 50 years old and it does surprise me that he remembers such unique events when I have not given them a thought in the last 35+ years. What is impressionable to individuals is individual and unique -- kind of cool!
posted by orlin at 12:13 PM on December 1, 2005

Posting this now as I can't keep up with the previews.

Oh, and I don't know if this is relevant or not but in all other aspects of life my sister has a *very* good memory--probably the best I've ever encountered.

As a simple example: we moved alot before my mother remarried. By the time I hit grade 10 I'd been in 13 schools. My sister remembers every address and phone number from every house we lived in from the time she was 4.

If you haven't said anything to your sister to imply she's lying or misremembering, she might not yet distrust you.

I've only couched this in, 'I don't remember that'. She definitely doesn't distrust me. She doesn't distrust my mother either (she's still living). In fact, my mother and sister communicate with each other much more often than I do with either of them. I speak to my mother maybe 2 times a month. My sister and mom talk every other day.

Can you discuss this with her at all?

My mother recalls things the way I do. However, her and my sister often discuss (happy) things that happened that I have absolutely no recollection of and on which they agree 100% with each other regarding the events.

I also want to say that if you sister is in her forties and blaming her unfortunate life on her bad childhood,

My sister doesn't blame her past for her circumstances. She simply blames my mother for being a bad mother. If anything, my sister is very proud of where she is in life and considers her getting there to be a triumph over those things that "happened in the past".

In my view, my mother and sister are very similar. In fact, I don't know of an apple that's fallen less far from the tree. My sister would deny this but it would be a ridiculous statement.
posted by Manhasset at 12:16 PM on December 1, 2005

Taken Outtacontext - basically you just described my daughters 18 & 16 1/2, with the oldest being the one who's taken the hard path. I am at a complete loss to understand why one "gets it" & the other doesn't. Instead, the oldest claims there's favoritism, which I suppose there is - of the variety that's shown to a child who we can see is devoting time to studies, doesn't argue about being home by curfew, and actually saved some summer job money for a car as opposed to spending it all on boyfriend/partying with friends and then expecting that she should be given one.+
posted by Pressed Rat at 12:20 PM on December 1, 2005

This is a fantastic thread: great question, great comments. Proust would be proud.

I also want to say that if you sister is in her forties and blaming her unfortunate life on her bad childhood, she probably needs to get a different therapist...

My mother is nearly sixty and still blaming certain aspects of her life on an unfortunate childhood. For some people, this is something they just cannot get over.

We each have personal demons. It's often easy to look at somebody else and to see their demons and to be full of advice on how to defeat them, but it's often less easy to see our own demons. And it's especially difficult to defeat those we are fighting. Hell, if I could isolate and defeat my personal demons, I'd be fifty pounds lighter, but something inside me drives me to eat just one more candy bar. Day after day.

People tend to remember the past as their personal myth. You write yourself in as the hero...

Absolutely. This is one of the keys to life. However, another one of the keys to life is being able to read, or identify with, other people's myths. Sometimes that's difficult.
posted by jdroth at 12:24 PM on December 1, 2005

Well, Manhasset, you said that your sister is getting more vocal about these memories lately. I wonder why that is (my assumption would be that it has to do with her therapy).

How does your sister react when you say you don't remember things the way she does?
posted by Gator at 12:24 PM on December 1, 2005

A little off-topic:

I am at a complete loss to understand why one "gets it" & the other doesn't

Pressed Rat--it may be a tacky old self-help book, but Bradshaw On: The Family is also a great primer in family dynamics, and will help you understand why certain family members play predictable roles. I read it when it first came out (the first edition was chiseled in stone), and the understanding I gleaned from it has served me well.
posted by frykitty at 12:37 PM on December 1, 2005

I also think this is a fantastic thread.

I'm curious: You said your sister doesn't claim you weren't there for these incidents, but that it's likely you'd have been around since you were a homebody. Have you tried explicitly saying, in sincere concern, "Sis, do you remember me being there any of the times you remember Mom punching you?" Her reaction could be tell-tale. At the very least, she'll think a little harder about the details--could give you some clues.
posted by lampoil at 12:51 PM on December 1, 2005

Gator, I misspoke. She isn't getting more vocal. She's getting more specific. I actually think it has less to do with therapy (she's only mentioned therapy to me once) and more to do with her being with this man who has a daughter that behaves nearly identically to the way she behaved. I think being faced with the decisions my mom was faced with (or being an adult and being very close to someone who must make those decisions) is making her past be more "present" in her thoughts.

When I say I don't remember such and such, she'll sometimes bring up something she remembers (and knows I do as well) to "prove" her memory works fine.

I basically am asking the question because I'm finding myself being very silent when my sister talks about these things because I don't want to "argue" about things we can't really agree on or prove one way or the other. Normally, I don't keep my thoughts to myself (about anything) and as a result, it's very difficult and upsetting to do so, especially when it's about my mother.

I know that in general people see things different. We can view the same incident and describe it differently or remember it different. However, I usually think of those things in regards to "context" or "motive". For instance, I hear two people argue and one strikes the other. Someone else observing may disagree with me as to which person was out of line or "correct"--however, I think we'd agree we heard an argument and saw a punch thrown. I'd completely understand this disagreement on "reasons"--in fact I'd expect it. But when someone says "they weren't arguing, they were making love. She didn't slap him, she stroked his cheek"... well, then I'm at a loss. That's the best analogy I can think of here.

We can both say my mother could be abusive (she yelled a lot). However, we can't agree on things that should be concrete (were punches thrown, etc.). This is what I find troubling. I'm fine and in my element discussing whether a punishment was deserved. I'm lost when the disagreement is over whether the punishment took place.

I'm a firm believer in the Smog line "There's no truth in you. There's no truth in me. The truth is between." Unfortunately, there is little middle ground when you're talking to someone who insists they were beaten while you were present and you have no recollection.

Again, thanks to all who've responded. Good to know my experiences aren't as unique as I had feared.
posted by Manhasset at 12:51 PM on December 1, 2005

"Sis, do you remember me being there any of the times you remember Mom punching you?"

I have not, but will do so the next time it comes up. She only mentioned the "punch in face" thing the last time I spoke to her. And she did it in regards to her boyfriend when I said she behaved much like his daughter. ("Well, it's not like he punches her in the face every other day so the circumstances aren't that similar. She doesn't have a reason to lash out.")

The boyfriend considerably complicates things. I don't like him (but have not said so, as I honestly believe it's none of my business who she dates). However, his "involvement" also changes things as, in my opinion, her anger at the daughter heightens her hypocrisy. In short, it's becoming harder and harder to remain silent.
posted by Manhasset at 12:57 PM on December 1, 2005

I can't comment on how your sister is dealing with her supposed past, but you should consider the possibility that her memory is entirely accurate.

Some mothers / grandparents are very misogynistic, almost in a self-loathing fashion. That was the case in my family. My grandma systematically bullied my sister while favouring me and my brother. We were mostly unaware of it. As a result, my sister has huge emotional scars that cripple her to this day.
posted by randomstriker at 1:05 PM on December 1, 2005

randomstirker, I have considered it and in fact mentioned it in the original question. In fact, it's a big fear of mine.

Oh, and I should also mention that I can recall no physical evidence of my sister being struck (no black eyes, fat lips, etc.), though she does claim that she 'always had bruises' but used to say this was from moving furniture all the time (we moved a lot and she was the only one strong enough to help my mom as my other sister was disabled and I was little).

My household was never quiet. The siblings fought a lot. As a result, I dismiss that these "beatings" took place quietly or that my mother was careful not to strike in visible places on the body (my sister has never claimed anything was quiet or done out of sight either--just stating this to cut that thought process in the bud here in thread).

I have to go out for a while so won't be able to check back till later. Thanks again, all!
posted by Manhasset at 1:09 PM on December 1, 2005

I really don't know if you can have a rational discussion about this. People who have an external locus of control - that is, who define all their problems as caused by some external power and not thier fault/responsibility - aren't going to change just because you "prove" to them that they are wrong / misled / irresponsible. You just become their newest abuser by trying to even have a talk about it.
posted by luriete at 1:10 PM on December 1, 2005

I want to share a story that, on the surface, seems to have bearing on this question. Stick with me, there's a point.

A number of years ago I was in a serious relationship with a woman, and one day we visited a post office in the city. We were there for maybe 30 minutes, and then went back to her place. At some point that afternoon I said something like, "Did you notice the green letterbox? I've never seen a green one before." In Australia, letterboxes are usually red or yellow, so encountering a green one was at least unusual enough to be worth a 40 second conversation. My partner frowned and said, "What green letterbox?" I described where it had been sitting (just outside the post office) and my partner looked at me like I was some kind of weirdo and told me it was red. I laughed and said something like, "God, don't tell me you didn't see the green letterbox that was there? The green one." And this went on for a couple of days. We actually got a little hostile about it, because my memory of the color of the letterbox was so vivid that if I'd owned a house at the time, I'd have bet it without a second thought that it had been green. My partner was just as adamant that it had been red. It bothered me enough that my partner couldn't remember the green letterbox that that weekend I made a special trip back to the post office in question, and of course the letterbox was red.

I have no idea why my memories so clearly captured a green letterbox. To this day (and it's almost 15 years later) I can still see, in my mind's eye, a green letterbox sitting there. To me it was a stark lesson that not everything I remember might be 'true'.

Memory is a faulty mechanism. Even without a mix of strong emotions to complicate it (as would be the case of your sister) it can be randomly unreliable. You hope that you are at least remembering the 'big things' accurately, but there's no guarantee that that's the case.

The point being, if your sister is unaware that her version of events don't match what really happened, then she's right in a purely subjective sense: she was abused as a child. At least, that's what her memories are telling her, and it's incredibly difficult to reconcile the possibility that vivid memories might be wrong, even over something as trivial as the color of a letterbox. From her perspective, you'd be the one with the faulty set of memories, just as I was about my partner over the color of the letterbox.

It may be that she formed these memories as a result of a disorder (others have mentioned schizophrenia, etc), or because over time she has refined and revised her memories according to a bitter and unhappy inner narrative about her childhood and now can't distinguish that narrative from events that actually took place.

It may well be that there is no real chance for you and your sister to reach a consenual set of memories about what really took place as the two of you were growing up. I think it's up to you to decide how much of a relationship you can continue to have with your sister with the understanding that the two of you might never agree on what really happened. After all, you don't have a letterbox you can take her to see, to demonstrate that her memories are wrong.

If she's seeing a therapist, and if at some point you feel able to talk to her more directly about the differences in your respective memories, it would be very much worth asking her if she's ever discussed with him / her the fact that you don't remember the events the way your sister does. If she hasn't given that piece of information to her therapist, then I would at least do everything you can to encourage your sister to do so, because her therapist may be missing that as a vital insight into your sister's recollection of her childhood experiences.
posted by planetthoughtful at 1:15 PM on December 1, 2005

I can say that it is very easy to have entirely different memories of the same childhood. In my case we all agree about the basics (all love our parents, though some needed therapy to do so, all remember our time together as a mixture of great and not so great) but the older two embellish their memories, even recent ones. They are incorrigible. We, the younger thee just roll our eyes. There are so many of us, we are used to different takes on the same story, but some people just make things up. I don't doubt that my oldest and favorite sister believes what she says-- she's the least malicious, kindest person I know, but she changes events in her mind all the time. She's just not rooted in the reality community.

I feel for you. I try to keep my discussions about the present and make it clear that I don't like rehashing things from the past (I call it scab-picking). Perhaps your sister will allow you the same latitude.
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 1:46 PM on December 1, 2005

My two daughters (aged 7 1/2 and 9) are as I described my sister and I (at least at this point). And I am so sensitive to playing favorites. My younger daughter is a "spirited" child, highly intelligent and knows how to manipulate. We are trying to help her focus as she ages so she can use her "powers" for good and not anything less appealing -grin

My oldest is a "golden" child --never has caused any problems and is growing up to be an incredibly perceptive person even at her age.

Both my wife and I are aware of their differences. And, you know, having siblings who are very different is not an anomoly. My wife laughs when she remembers her mother telling her and her two sisters "I love you equally."

How can a parent love two very individual children equally? Differently and with lots of it, but not equally.

So we have to approach our two individuals differently. The thing that separates me from my father is that I am aware of this and I don't think he was (or if he was he never actualized it).

BTW, the issue of getting a car if we graduated college was what also happened in our family. Both of us were given that offer but only I graduated and so I was the only one to get the car.
posted by Taken Outtacontext at 1:52 PM on December 1, 2005

I empathize. I would try to steer conversation towards more current and less volatile topics, because I'm conflict-avoidant. And I think everyone is entitled to their construct of reality as long as it's not directly harmful to me. The "vanishing" loans I'd be less resigned about.

Assuming it's true: it doesn't make your mother a bad person, just someone with flaws and weaknesses who behaved badly a long time ago. We all have to reconcile this about our parents eventually, that they are not heroes.

But in the end you won't be able to find out "the truth." This is why I enjoy whodunits, life is a lot less clear-cut. Frequently black sheep and/or people with mental illness are singled out as targets specifically because they will not be believed. Just to be safe I would avoid situations with your sister or her stepdaughter which could provoke similar allegations against you.
posted by Marnie at 2:20 PM on December 1, 2005

My mother's father used to dole out punishments with a belt. My understanding was that it was pretty harsh -- especially when he had been drinking.

My mother was the oldest daughter of four children and the one who was ultimately closest to her father in the end. Of the four children on two really have any sort of relationship today - a few years ago my grandfather passed away and it was revealed that my mother's siblings resented her because they thought she was my grandfather's favorite and had never received any of his lashings. They actually sat at a dinner and debated who got beat more and decried the others perceptions as false. The fact is all of them are entitled to their own perception of it and who is to say who is right and who is wrong?

If your sister believes she was abused and has anger that is her reality and though your reality is different and you came out okay...this is still her experience. Now if she is playing the perpetual victim and not trying to make her life better and using this abuse as a scapegoat than I can understand your frustration. But try to articulate that frustration rather than the revisionist history.
posted by Lola_G at 2:30 PM on December 1, 2005

I would second those who suspect she might actually have a legitimate complaint. But I would also try to simply understand where my sister's rage was coming from. Rather than FMS you could simply see "Punched in the face" as figurative. She may mean it literally but this might be because she doesn't think whatever emotional damage she might have suffered is 'real' unless it was physical abuse. That your parents hit any of you gives her an easy avenue for shifiting linguistically between physical and emotional abuse. If this isn't already a stretch a psychoanalyst would also be interested in her attitude toward her boyfriend's daughter. If we want to get really Freudian you could even wonder if she is resisting her identification with the girl and that whatever that girl is experiencing is closer in some way (perhaps not immediately obvious) to what she experienced. Just a thought anyway.
posted by anglophiliated at 3:39 PM on December 1, 2005

My sister and I are almost precisely on the same page, regarding our childhood, but my husband and his sister have extremely different recollections of theirs--his largely positive, hers with a very negative slant. Watching their family dynamic the past few years has been quite a trip.

This thread has been incredible. I'm bookmarking it, because I know I'm going to be thinking about this a lot. Thanks to everyone who chimed in, this is such good stuff.
posted by padraigin at 4:26 PM on December 1, 2005

I suppose I'm in your sister's boat a bit. I grew up with two alcoholic parents, one abusive, and a younger sister. I remember increasing levels of emotional abuse from my mother quite vividly, up until she died when I was 18. My sister, who is a year and a half younger, remembers little or none of this. Our situation was different than yours, in that both she and my father were often out of the house and therefore not present as much, but she remains shocked that she has no memory of these events, even ones she was around for.

We've talked about it a little bit lately, and I've found it very encouraging that she's never taken the position that I'm making it up for some reason. I know she's very curious about my experience, and I think it bothers her a great deal that all of this could have happened under her nose, as it were, because she feels she would have spoken up or done something. I don't know if that's part of your own confusion, but I know it's been a big problem for her.

For my part, it doesn't bother me that she doesn't remember certain things; if that bothers your sister, obviously this is going to be more of a problem. I think it's unlikely that you're quashing memories even if your sister's story is 100% accurate (which it probably is not--mine certainly wasn't). It's remarkable how much abuse hides in plain sight and how easy it is to obscure or gloss over. Even if she's absolutely right, it doesn't mean that you're wrong.

You say that your sister and your mother still speak often, which implies that whatever did happen between them, they have a good relationship now. I can definitely understand that hearing things you don't like about your mother would be hard to swallow, but maybe it would help to not think of your sister's story as an attack on your mother. If they talk every other day, then you're not in the position of having to reconcile two people you love who can't talk to each other or who are at each other's throats. That takes a lot of burden off you and frees you to just listen to your sister's experience as she recalls it.

One last thing: you seem to be most shocked that your sister recalls physical abuse that you do not, based on her implying once that she was punched in the face. Is it possible that this comment was figurative or hyperbolic, or that your sister does not mean to emphasize physical abuse as much as her other complaints? I don't mean that you're blowing things out of proportion, of course, but is it possible that the statement which seems to have brought this to a head for you was more casual for her? I know that I have exaggerated or made hyperbolic the abuse in my family when talking about it tangentially, either out of black humor or bitterness. As an example: my mother had a delightful habit of driving me to and from school while drunk, and on a couple of occasions we got into accidents. I know that I have offhandedly talked about my mother crashing all the time, but if I'm forced to examine that statement, really it was twice. The events occurred, but they weren't as frequent as I have made them out to be in casual conversation. I just wonder if this might be a similar kind of thing.

Sorry this is so long. It's funny how this can be so hard to start writing about and then so difficult to stop.
posted by Errant at 5:25 PM on December 1, 2005

planetthoughtful: If you have red-green colorblindness, you could have processed the color as green when you were looking at it. I have it, and for me a color will waver between red and green depending on what I think it is - meaning I do have a sensations for each (the brighter shades are obvious to me). So that one time your lack of assumption may have had you register a different color (unless what you remembered was also a totally different shade).

Not that it isn't a perfect anecdote about the flimsiness of memory, but for those two colors as a side note there could be another explanation.
posted by abcde at 8:04 PM on December 1, 2005

I had a strange experience with my mom recently that made me realize the way truth and memories can work, sometimes. I overheard her mistelling a story from my life, and later when I asked her about it, I discovered that her memory had rewritten not just the historical details of the scene but the emotional truth of it too -- it was as if she took today's "truth" and back-dated it. We didn't have a good relationship at the time that the original event took place, but her version of it has me calling her up from the midst of it to share my experience. It never happened. And never mind that cellphones weren't invented back then, so my calling her would've had to have been an out of state payphone call after midnight... The only explanation for her inventions is that somehow our good relationship now has been back-dated in her brain. I don't know why -- maybe her version of the story just feels more "right" to her.

It's upsetting to know that I probably won't be able to settle past grievances and misunderstandings if "memories" like this have intervened to change facts. I feel all I can do is start where we are now and leave our understandings of the past behind. Maybe it's the same with your sister -- whatever actually happened, her brain remembers what it does now for whatever reason. She still has to deal with her boyfriend's child and her own life, so she (and you) can start there.
posted by xo at 8:15 PM on December 1, 2005

Wow. Some excellent answers here. I tried to pick some to mark as best but it seems I should be checking everyone's. :)

Thanks for all the comments and sharing, folks. Most useful!
posted by Manhasset at 8:23 AM on December 2, 2005