Broked up with Girlfriend/Fiance a Month Ago and Still Reeling
June 10, 2015 8:23 AM Subscribe
Looking for your thoughts and advice on my recent breakup - I am ruminating and experiencing regret. Almost married this woman and I feel horrible. I have really been beating myself up
Sad to say that this is was the first time I had truly been in love. I was a heavy drug user in my twenties and only started seriously dating in my thirties. Dated dozens of girls in the past six or so years. I have not had a drink nor taken any drugs in many years.
Met Sally on OKCupid and we clicked. I told her that I loved her within six weeks of our first date (a first for me). We talked about getting married within two months, mainly because I wanted to have a kid with her and she is pushing 40. We decided to get married on our one year anniversary.
Sally has a five-year old and a fourteen year-old from her previous two marriages (two separate dads) -- both of whom I loved as well. Though I was particularly attached to the five year old.
Sally is a brilliant woman, though she has made a lot of poor decisions in her life. (What can I say, I have as well.) Her's may impacted more people since there are kids involved.) We both have decent jobs and were getting ready to buy a house together (had pre-mortgage counseling and were looking).
Sally co-sleeps with her five year old and has been living with her mother since her second divorce in 2012. There is an extra bedroom in the house that is not being utilized.
Her attachment to her daughter (and vice versa) had been a major sticking point with our intimacy. Though we dated for 9 months, we slept in the same bed fewer than ten times. We had to constantly sneak around for sex. We had vacationed together as a family and had a few road trips to her family's farm in another state -- these were great times for all of us.
We had communication difficulty -- we definitely had trouble expressing our feelings. We never had any fights, which seemed odd. We had one difficult evening where we went to one of her sister's friend's Christmas party (I was the only straight male in attendance and Sally was the only female) and we went in with a plan (no drinking, out by midnight). The host insisted that Sally have a drink and we did not leave until 1:00a (meanwhile half the guests are offering me drinks) - I was furious and could not even speak to her during the drive home. We talked it out afterwards and considered it a blip in the relationship.
A month ago her mother was on vacation and we had planned to have a trial run as a household. I was supposed to take the five year-old to daycare and walk the dog in the mornings.
The first night, Sally asked me if it was alright if she went out for dinner and drinks with her girlfriends the following night and since I was working until 8:00p, I said it should be no problem.
Sally then asked the five year-old if she wanted mommy to take her to day care or me. The five year old said "Mommy" and I was a little miffed at this. When we prepared for bed (we were to sleep in her mother's bed), the five year old began acting up and Sallly said we could try (for sex) again tomorrow night and went to get the five year old to sleep in their bed.
She ended up passing out in the bed with the five year old while I lay awake in her mother's bed. After an hour and a half, I packed up all of my belongings and went home. I texted her to tell her that I was going home to sleep in my own bed and she replied about twenty minutes after I got home "NO!! I fell asleep, I am sorry!"
I replied that I was not really happy about the situation that led to me going home that night and that we needed to talk about it. I also told her to call me in the morning and I would come over and walk the dog.
Well, there was no call the next morning. No texts. She texted me at 8:00p later that day as I was getting off work and said that she didn't want me coming over that night. I replied that I had not planned on coming over and that we needed to talk. She then said that we could talk on Sunday (this was Thursday evening). I could not wrap my mind around this (I still cannot). Her reason to wait until Sunday was that we both worked on Friday, that I worked on Saturday and she would be taking her 5 year old to see her deadbeat/absentee dad a hundred miles away on that day. (Which I also found upsetting - he cannot scrounge the money to pay child support nor gas to visit his daughter.)
I called her phone and she would not answer. I was hurting and getting angry. I waited about thirty minutes (my drive home from work) and texted her again that she needs to answer her phone and talk to me. She replied that she had been out with her girlfriends for food and drinks and wanted to talk when she had a clear head. I tried calling again and she refused to answer.
She eventually texted that she was not going to lose another night's sleep because of me and I texted "Fuck You. Goodbye. Its over. Don't bother calling me on Sunday." I blocked her on facebook, blocked her number on my phone, unfriended all of her family (she had not bothered to friend any of my family) and just felt numb.
I began to feel regret (mostly due to breaking up via text) and beat myself up over the situation the very next day. I texted her the following evening saying "I was sorry and that I would regret my behaviour over the past few days for the rest of my life." and left a tearful message on her phone on Sunday morning. I texted her one more time after dropping off some clothes at her house that belonged to the five year old and were at my house.
No replies. Just "Seen" receipts.
Just typing this out makes it seem like this was the best and only course of action to take. Of course, I can only see my side. I tried to be a good boyfriend - and I think I was other than not communicating my feelings very well. Of course there are other complicating factors, I gave her HPV (genital warts) though I did not know I was a carrier and this affected our sex life for about five weeks (Aldera is damaging to the genitals).
I have started therapy and have decided to start attending 12 step meetings again.
I would appreciate any thoughts from you all.
I have been ruminating on the breakup and obsessing on the hope of getting back together. (I didn't just lose her, I loved the five year old as well and will never see her again.)
All of the attempts at contact happened in the first week after the breakup. No contact since that time, although I did run into her mother and said hello.
TL:DR - I am troubled man and broke up with a troubled woman I love and feel horrible. I love her kids (especially the five year old) and will never see her again. Any words of advice or thoughts would be welcomed.
Sad to say that this is was the first time I had truly been in love. I was a heavy drug user in my twenties and only started seriously dating in my thirties. Dated dozens of girls in the past six or so years. I have not had a drink nor taken any drugs in many years.
Met Sally on OKCupid and we clicked. I told her that I loved her within six weeks of our first date (a first for me). We talked about getting married within two months, mainly because I wanted to have a kid with her and she is pushing 40. We decided to get married on our one year anniversary.
Sally has a five-year old and a fourteen year-old from her previous two marriages (two separate dads) -- both of whom I loved as well. Though I was particularly attached to the five year old.
Sally is a brilliant woman, though she has made a lot of poor decisions in her life. (What can I say, I have as well.) Her's may impacted more people since there are kids involved.) We both have decent jobs and were getting ready to buy a house together (had pre-mortgage counseling and were looking).
Sally co-sleeps with her five year old and has been living with her mother since her second divorce in 2012. There is an extra bedroom in the house that is not being utilized.
Her attachment to her daughter (and vice versa) had been a major sticking point with our intimacy. Though we dated for 9 months, we slept in the same bed fewer than ten times. We had to constantly sneak around for sex. We had vacationed together as a family and had a few road trips to her family's farm in another state -- these were great times for all of us.
We had communication difficulty -- we definitely had trouble expressing our feelings. We never had any fights, which seemed odd. We had one difficult evening where we went to one of her sister's friend's Christmas party (I was the only straight male in attendance and Sally was the only female) and we went in with a plan (no drinking, out by midnight). The host insisted that Sally have a drink and we did not leave until 1:00a (meanwhile half the guests are offering me drinks) - I was furious and could not even speak to her during the drive home. We talked it out afterwards and considered it a blip in the relationship.
A month ago her mother was on vacation and we had planned to have a trial run as a household. I was supposed to take the five year-old to daycare and walk the dog in the mornings.
The first night, Sally asked me if it was alright if she went out for dinner and drinks with her girlfriends the following night and since I was working until 8:00p, I said it should be no problem.
Sally then asked the five year-old if she wanted mommy to take her to day care or me. The five year old said "Mommy" and I was a little miffed at this. When we prepared for bed (we were to sleep in her mother's bed), the five year old began acting up and Sallly said we could try (for sex) again tomorrow night and went to get the five year old to sleep in their bed.
She ended up passing out in the bed with the five year old while I lay awake in her mother's bed. After an hour and a half, I packed up all of my belongings and went home. I texted her to tell her that I was going home to sleep in my own bed and she replied about twenty minutes after I got home "NO!! I fell asleep, I am sorry!"
I replied that I was not really happy about the situation that led to me going home that night and that we needed to talk about it. I also told her to call me in the morning and I would come over and walk the dog.
Well, there was no call the next morning. No texts. She texted me at 8:00p later that day as I was getting off work and said that she didn't want me coming over that night. I replied that I had not planned on coming over and that we needed to talk. She then said that we could talk on Sunday (this was Thursday evening). I could not wrap my mind around this (I still cannot). Her reason to wait until Sunday was that we both worked on Friday, that I worked on Saturday and she would be taking her 5 year old to see her deadbeat/absentee dad a hundred miles away on that day. (Which I also found upsetting - he cannot scrounge the money to pay child support nor gas to visit his daughter.)
I called her phone and she would not answer. I was hurting and getting angry. I waited about thirty minutes (my drive home from work) and texted her again that she needs to answer her phone and talk to me. She replied that she had been out with her girlfriends for food and drinks and wanted to talk when she had a clear head. I tried calling again and she refused to answer.
She eventually texted that she was not going to lose another night's sleep because of me and I texted "Fuck You. Goodbye. Its over. Don't bother calling me on Sunday." I blocked her on facebook, blocked her number on my phone, unfriended all of her family (she had not bothered to friend any of my family) and just felt numb.
I began to feel regret (mostly due to breaking up via text) and beat myself up over the situation the very next day. I texted her the following evening saying "I was sorry and that I would regret my behaviour over the past few days for the rest of my life." and left a tearful message on her phone on Sunday morning. I texted her one more time after dropping off some clothes at her house that belonged to the five year old and were at my house.
No replies. Just "Seen" receipts.
Just typing this out makes it seem like this was the best and only course of action to take. Of course, I can only see my side. I tried to be a good boyfriend - and I think I was other than not communicating my feelings very well. Of course there are other complicating factors, I gave her HPV (genital warts) though I did not know I was a carrier and this affected our sex life for about five weeks (Aldera is damaging to the genitals).
I have started therapy and have decided to start attending 12 step meetings again.
I would appreciate any thoughts from you all.
I have been ruminating on the breakup and obsessing on the hope of getting back together. (I didn't just lose her, I loved the five year old as well and will never see her again.)
All of the attempts at contact happened in the first week after the breakup. No contact since that time, although I did run into her mother and said hello.
TL:DR - I am troubled man and broke up with a troubled woman I love and feel horrible. I love her kids (especially the five year old) and will never see her again. Any words of advice or thoughts would be welcomed.
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- cortex
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