How do you teach kids to be brave?
June 3, 2015 9:51 AM Subscribe
How do you get kids to do things that are initially scary like riding a bike, going swimming, going to a new class aside from just telling them "it's ok!", "it's fun!", "you can do it!"? Are there strategies you use to build courage for kids with more naturally careful personalities?
Boy it's a tough one. My 14-year-old has always been a cautious kid, and it's still a challenge to get her to get out of her comfort zone. One thing that worked pretty well was reminding her of how much she loved doing [X thing] but how scared she was to do it in the beginning. For us it was going down a giant slide at an amusement park. "Remember how scary it was to go down the big slide? And we told you it was going to be super fun, didn't we? And it was super fun wasn't it? Well, I think this is going to be just as fun. And if it's not, you're already done, and you never have to do it again!"
posted by Rock Steady at 10:06 AM on June 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by Rock Steady at 10:06 AM on June 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
I just don't try to get them to do things like that. I offer the opportunity and take them places but if we go to the pool and she only wants to play in the baby pool then that's cool. One day she'll want to jump in the pool. (And boy does she now!)
posted by dawkins_7 at 10:08 AM on June 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by dawkins_7 at 10:08 AM on June 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Having a friend who can ride a bike or swim without help is a huge motivator for my cautious kid, age 6. She cried when I told her that she'd be getting swimming lessons this summer so she could swim without a bubble. Then a few days later, she became SUPER interested when we ran into a friend of hers at the pool who was not wearing a bubble because she could swim.
It's not always possible to arrange this, but it's been really helpful when she's been scared or too anxious to do something. If she sees another kid her age doing it, her interest is sparked.
posted by sutel at 10:12 AM on June 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
It's not always possible to arrange this, but it's been really helpful when she's been scared or too anxious to do something. If she sees another kid her age doing it, her interest is sparked.
posted by sutel at 10:12 AM on June 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
I stick them with someone other than me. I'm a single mom with three kids. If there is something that they are scared to do but should do, I ask a friend or relative to help them. Kids are always braver for someone other than mom. It's also good to follow their interests. A timid child who hates the water is only going to hate it more if forced to be brave. Find what the kid is into and gently nudge from there. My middle child hated talking to strangers and would never participate in helping to pay for a purchase or even go into a store alone until one day she really wanted something and the only way that she could get it was to go in alone while I sat in the car. She did it and is now over that hurdle.
posted by myselfasme at 10:13 AM on June 3, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by myselfasme at 10:13 AM on June 3, 2015 [6 favorites]
Best answer: I'm assuming neurotypical, no complicating medical stuff here. What age are you asking about? This is of course a generalization but in my experience under ~age 6 parental anxiety is a huge factor: kids mirror how their parents or other trusted adults are acting, even just subconscious body language. Classic example is how they look around after a minor fall to see if they should hurt/cry or not. If an adult rushes over and makes a big fuss they start crying, if the response is a "you're okay, let's keep playing!" they don't (or if they do it's a good sign they're actually injured).
This becomes less powerful as they get older but still has some effect. If an adult freaks out or is tense when they hurt themselves/do something dangerous/break something etc. they will become more anxious about it.
I don't mean to sound contradictory with what I say next because it's actually the flip side of the same point about the importance of how the parent reacts. DON'T minimize the reality and importance of a kid's fears. The examples you cite are challenging and scary for some. Don't just say "it's easy, you can do it." Affirm to the kid that whatever it is can be scary, but that it can be done. Don't say it's easy/not scary, say they are strong/brave. Let them see yourself or, even better, their peers doing it. Cushion a tough thing with more comfortable routines. ("After your class we can get [treat] and talk about how it went!")
Finally a third facet of the same emphasis on how the parent reacts is don't make failure a catastrophe. Failure happens. We learn from it and try again, or try something else.
Get an understanding of where their fears are coming from. Is it uncertainty about how things will happen? If it's a structured activity you can sometimes prepare them for what's going to happen. Is it a feeling that they don't have control? (Doesn't exactly fit what you mean but for example one way of addressing fear of the dark is to give them a flashlight. Now they control what's dark!) You can also help them feel in control with the illusion of choice. Again this works better on younger kids but for example present swimming class as an inevitability but let them pick between different colored swimsuits. If you can get them focused on picking out accessories or some other aspect of the activity the anxiety train can sometimes be derailed.
posted by Wretch729 at 10:13 AM on June 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
This becomes less powerful as they get older but still has some effect. If an adult freaks out or is tense when they hurt themselves/do something dangerous/break something etc. they will become more anxious about it.
I don't mean to sound contradictory with what I say next because it's actually the flip side of the same point about the importance of how the parent reacts. DON'T minimize the reality and importance of a kid's fears. The examples you cite are challenging and scary for some. Don't just say "it's easy, you can do it." Affirm to the kid that whatever it is can be scary, but that it can be done. Don't say it's easy/not scary, say they are strong/brave. Let them see yourself or, even better, their peers doing it. Cushion a tough thing with more comfortable routines. ("After your class we can get [treat] and talk about how it went!")
Finally a third facet of the same emphasis on how the parent reacts is don't make failure a catastrophe. Failure happens. We learn from it and try again, or try something else.
Get an understanding of where their fears are coming from. Is it uncertainty about how things will happen? If it's a structured activity you can sometimes prepare them for what's going to happen. Is it a feeling that they don't have control? (Doesn't exactly fit what you mean but for example one way of addressing fear of the dark is to give them a flashlight. Now they control what's dark!) You can also help them feel in control with the illusion of choice. Again this works better on younger kids but for example present swimming class as an inevitability but let them pick between different colored swimsuits. If you can get them focused on picking out accessories or some other aspect of the activity the anxiety train can sometimes be derailed.
posted by Wretch729 at 10:13 AM on June 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: After they try something scary, check in with them on how it went. Usually we think things will be more scary than they actually are. By asking, you are helping her notice this, at the time. Later, you can remind her (and she will remember, since talking about it helps cement the memory)
posted by metahawk at 10:14 AM on June 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by metahawk at 10:14 AM on June 3, 2015 [2 favorites]
don't make failure a catastrophe
Yes. This. I am a naturally cautious person. I have also been an excellent student throughout my life. Somewhere along the way I learned that failing is bad and succeeding is good, so I stuck mostly with the things I knew I could succeed in (school) and carefully avoided things I thought I might fail at (basically any physical activity until my 20s). I wish someone had noticed when I was a little kid.
Also, emphasize that feeling fear and anxiety is ok--talk about it, acknowledge it, check in about how it's changing. Let fear be a neutral, natural thing that happens to everyone. Talk about people who felt fear and did the scary thing anyway (there must be kids' books about this, right?). It's really easy for kids to get the message that fear--any fear--means "danger!" It's really hard for kids to develop a sense of when to listen to fear and anxiety ("I could really get hurt") and when to acknowledge the fear without letting it determine what you do ("I feel scared I might get hurt, but I have trusted people around to support me in learning how to do this"). I think before you start doing any of the scary things, like starting swim lessons, you need to build a vocabulary together for talking about fear and developing strategies for living (and swimming) with it.
posted by Meg_Murry at 10:35 AM on June 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
Yes. This. I am a naturally cautious person. I have also been an excellent student throughout my life. Somewhere along the way I learned that failing is bad and succeeding is good, so I stuck mostly with the things I knew I could succeed in (school) and carefully avoided things I thought I might fail at (basically any physical activity until my 20s). I wish someone had noticed when I was a little kid.
Also, emphasize that feeling fear and anxiety is ok--talk about it, acknowledge it, check in about how it's changing. Let fear be a neutral, natural thing that happens to everyone. Talk about people who felt fear and did the scary thing anyway (there must be kids' books about this, right?). It's really easy for kids to get the message that fear--any fear--means "danger!" It's really hard for kids to develop a sense of when to listen to fear and anxiety ("I could really get hurt") and when to acknowledge the fear without letting it determine what you do ("I feel scared I might get hurt, but I have trusted people around to support me in learning how to do this"). I think before you start doing any of the scary things, like starting swim lessons, you need to build a vocabulary together for talking about fear and developing strategies for living (and swimming) with it.
posted by Meg_Murry at 10:35 AM on June 3, 2015 [5 favorites]
Best answer: I would explain that scared is the feeling part of our brain trying to tell us something is dangerous. Before we decide if we should listen to the fear, we should also check in with our logical brains. So, what is that scared feeling trying to tell us? Then you can provide more information/reassurance. Also, when scared, knowing that you aren't going to be trapped - that you have a back up plan (or two or three) can be very helpful.
So, if I'm afraid of going down the waterside because I'm afraid that of going underwater at the end, it can help to get more information - watch other people, notice that they are having fun, also notice how long they go under water (actually counting seconds, which is much shorter than it seems) and making a plan - take a deep breath at the last turn.
posted by metahawk at 10:36 AM on June 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
So, if I'm afraid of going down the waterside because I'm afraid that of going underwater at the end, it can help to get more information - watch other people, notice that they are having fun, also notice how long they go under water (actually counting seconds, which is much shorter than it seems) and making a plan - take a deep breath at the last turn.
posted by metahawk at 10:36 AM on June 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
I think our experience has been that, by and large, kids are sort of born with the level of caution that they'll have (or celebrate or fight against) the rest of their lives.
We have: an average risk-taker (oldest, 20), a very nervous fear-all (middle, 16), and a haphazard daredevil (youngest, 14). They've all been like they are now since they were wee pudgy things. The middle one has gotten it in his head that he has to mask his fearful, anxious nature in order to be liked by others, which is a mixed blessing. He formerly stuck to the shadows and stayed very quiet, but in the last year or so he's discovered goth/emo subcultures. Those have let him put on a very bright and visible public persona that comforts him, so he's become more outgoing in many regards. He went kayaking with us last summer, for instance, which stunned the hell out of everyone involved. But he still winces and shies away from certain things, like when playing frisbee or tossing a ball around. He's more engaged with those activities now (thanks, goth fashion!), but one can see that it still pains him that he's an involuntary wincer. I think as he grows older he'll try to suppress his fearful exterior presentation even more, and that's not a bad thing (his dad and I both fall into / fell into that category growing up). It's nice to watch him testing out how to be who he wants to be, rather than who he's been determined by nature and nurture and all that.
The counterpoint, of course, is his younger brother. Jesus christ is it ever fun to have a total freakshow fearless kid in the family but, jesus christ, it would be great if we could help him reign it in even a little. Along with his very outgoing nature, his feralessness leads him to take very stupid risks, and occasionally to miscalculate the need for restraint by orders of magnitude. We've been to the ER for major stitch-ups twice already this year, and one of those was legit scary. We think he's learning the same process of bending his native tendencies to something more socially manageable, just like his brother but in the opposite direction. He's learning to pretend to be a little bit more risk averse than he feels. His process seems far more dangerous than his more fearful brother and I hope it kicks in before he gets to the years when he'll be more easily able to experiment with sex, drugs & rock 'n roll. Because that thought makes my upper lip sweat.
TL;DR: Worry more for natural risk-takers than the naturally risk-averse, for they will likely survive long enough to become sensible adults who challenge their fears of their own fully-informed accord.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 10:42 AM on June 3, 2015 [10 favorites]
We have: an average risk-taker (oldest, 20), a very nervous fear-all (middle, 16), and a haphazard daredevil (youngest, 14). They've all been like they are now since they were wee pudgy things. The middle one has gotten it in his head that he has to mask his fearful, anxious nature in order to be liked by others, which is a mixed blessing. He formerly stuck to the shadows and stayed very quiet, but in the last year or so he's discovered goth/emo subcultures. Those have let him put on a very bright and visible public persona that comforts him, so he's become more outgoing in many regards. He went kayaking with us last summer, for instance, which stunned the hell out of everyone involved. But he still winces and shies away from certain things, like when playing frisbee or tossing a ball around. He's more engaged with those activities now (thanks, goth fashion!), but one can see that it still pains him that he's an involuntary wincer. I think as he grows older he'll try to suppress his fearful exterior presentation even more, and that's not a bad thing (his dad and I both fall into / fell into that category growing up). It's nice to watch him testing out how to be who he wants to be, rather than who he's been determined by nature and nurture and all that.
The counterpoint, of course, is his younger brother. Jesus christ is it ever fun to have a total freakshow fearless kid in the family but, jesus christ, it would be great if we could help him reign it in even a little. Along with his very outgoing nature, his feralessness leads him to take very stupid risks, and occasionally to miscalculate the need for restraint by orders of magnitude. We've been to the ER for major stitch-ups twice already this year, and one of those was legit scary. We think he's learning the same process of bending his native tendencies to something more socially manageable, just like his brother but in the opposite direction. He's learning to pretend to be a little bit more risk averse than he feels. His process seems far more dangerous than his more fearful brother and I hope it kicks in before he gets to the years when he'll be more easily able to experiment with sex, drugs & rock 'n roll. Because that thought makes my upper lip sweat.
TL;DR: Worry more for natural risk-takers than the naturally risk-averse, for they will likely survive long enough to become sensible adults who challenge their fears of their own fully-informed accord.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 10:42 AM on June 3, 2015 [10 favorites]
The number one thing I would suggest is to never say "Don't be scared" because you may be applying a negative label on to them that they perhaps didn't identify with previously. I also don't think saying stuff like "Its okay" or "Its fine" or other things that try to dismiss their fear is helpful. Whether or not their fear is rational it doesn't make them less scared. All that does is tell them they are extra super wrong to even be scared in the first place. Plus, stuff like "don't be scared" leaves a sort of linger criticism even if they do end up doing the scary thing. They do it but they are still left with a feeling of failure/weakness for having been scared in the first place. Know what I mean>
The trick, I think, is to use language like "Be brave". Give them something POSITIVE to identify with, and then if they overcome their fear and do the scary thing they walk away telling themselves "I was brave! I am a brave person!" rather than "I was such a scaredy cat.".
If appropriate, validate their fears. Make them feel like it is OKAY and NORMAL to be scared or hesitant over somethings. Maybe talk about a time when you were scared in a similar situation, but then describe the positive outcome when you did the scary thing.
If the successfully overcome their fear and do the scary thing, validate them by saying how they were brave or grown up. Something positive.
If they don't successfully overcome their fear don't be super disappointed at them or go on about everything they are missing by not doing the scary thing. If reasonable, plan for a time to try again at the scary thing. Just don't make it a big deal.
Plus, I suggest reinforcing that bravery isn't never being scared, everyone is scared of lots of stuff, the bravest and most heroic heroes they can think of were all scared of tons of stuff. They just didn't let the fear stop them. Bravery is doing the scary thing even when they're scared.
Caveat - I have done all this with my kid and it has been successful in having him feel comfortable challenging himself and overcoming fears. However, I think the single best thing you can do is just... not make a big deal out of it. In some cases the harder you push to get them to do something scary the bigger and scarier it grows in their mind, and it grows into not just a fear of doing the thing but also a fear of disappointing you if they can't do it, etc. Depends upon the kid and the situation, but this plays into things more often than not.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:44 AM on June 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
The trick, I think, is to use language like "Be brave". Give them something POSITIVE to identify with, and then if they overcome their fear and do the scary thing they walk away telling themselves "I was brave! I am a brave person!" rather than "I was such a scaredy cat.".
If appropriate, validate their fears. Make them feel like it is OKAY and NORMAL to be scared or hesitant over somethings. Maybe talk about a time when you were scared in a similar situation, but then describe the positive outcome when you did the scary thing.
If the successfully overcome their fear and do the scary thing, validate them by saying how they were brave or grown up. Something positive.
If they don't successfully overcome their fear don't be super disappointed at them or go on about everything they are missing by not doing the scary thing. If reasonable, plan for a time to try again at the scary thing. Just don't make it a big deal.
Plus, I suggest reinforcing that bravery isn't never being scared, everyone is scared of lots of stuff, the bravest and most heroic heroes they can think of were all scared of tons of stuff. They just didn't let the fear stop them. Bravery is doing the scary thing even when they're scared.
Caveat - I have done all this with my kid and it has been successful in having him feel comfortable challenging himself and overcoming fears. However, I think the single best thing you can do is just... not make a big deal out of it. In some cases the harder you push to get them to do something scary the bigger and scarier it grows in their mind, and it grows into not just a fear of doing the thing but also a fear of disappointing you if they can't do it, etc. Depends upon the kid and the situation, but this plays into things more often than not.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:44 AM on June 3, 2015 [3 favorites]
One of the more successful conversations I had with my kids was over watching the old Nicktoons show "Rugrats." The main character, Tommy, is utterly fearless (and so often gets himself in dangerous situations unwittingly) while his friend Chuckie is full of anxiety, but participates in Tommy's adventures.
On the show, Tommy is often referred to as being brave, but I talked to my daughters about how being fearless isn't the same thing as being brave. Being brave is when you're afraid and you step up and do what you have to anyway. Like Chuckie.
(I don't know how old your kids are, but the children's book Sheila Rae, the Brave, by Kevin Henkes, is also a good read, and my kids loved all his stuff.)
posted by Gelatin at 10:53 AM on June 3, 2015
On the show, Tommy is often referred to as being brave, but I talked to my daughters about how being fearless isn't the same thing as being brave. Being brave is when you're afraid and you step up and do what you have to anyway. Like Chuckie.
(I don't know how old your kids are, but the children's book Sheila Rae, the Brave, by Kevin Henkes, is also a good read, and my kids loved all his stuff.)
posted by Gelatin at 10:53 AM on June 3, 2015
Never, ever, ever use shame to try and guilt trip a child into being brave.
posted by Hermione Granger at 10:54 AM on June 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Hermione Granger at 10:54 AM on June 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
I was one of those kids and I would say it is a combination of two strategies that were brought up in this thread:
1) Don't ever push. If the kid says no, the answer is no. This is also a really good way to teach kids about consent in general, which I know is a little off topic, but it's modeling good behavior for them.
2) Friends can often encourage kids to be brave when you can't. The first time I went skiing, I went with my family, I fell, I cried, and I gave up. The second time, I also brought along a friend, and being around her made all the difference because of a combination of her presence making it more fun and me wanting to look cool in front of her. My family would tend to either comfort me or express disappointment if I messed up, and neither of those were encouraging--comfort made me revert to a little-kid mindset, and disappointment taught me to never do anything where there was a chance of failure.
posted by capricorn at 11:06 AM on June 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
1) Don't ever push. If the kid says no, the answer is no. This is also a really good way to teach kids about consent in general, which I know is a little off topic, but it's modeling good behavior for them.
2) Friends can often encourage kids to be brave when you can't. The first time I went skiing, I went with my family, I fell, I cried, and I gave up. The second time, I also brought along a friend, and being around her made all the difference because of a combination of her presence making it more fun and me wanting to look cool in front of her. My family would tend to either comfort me or express disappointment if I messed up, and neither of those were encouraging--comfort made me revert to a little-kid mindset, and disappointment taught me to never do anything where there was a chance of failure.
posted by capricorn at 11:06 AM on June 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: my parents always taught me that the only failure is to not try. it was probably the best lesson they could have given me. dad's mantra was always, "win or lose, the sun will still rise, and kitty will still love you." i repeat this to myself before i do anything scary to this day. letting people know they are loved for being brave in their attempt -- regardless of outcome -- is some powerful stuff.
posted by crawfo at 11:07 AM on June 3, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by crawfo at 11:07 AM on June 3, 2015 [8 favorites]
Start with small things that are only slightly scary and that they can succeed at. Let them learn rather than tell them, that it's OK to be scared but good things can come from it. So if it's the pool, let them get used to it at their own rate, so they spend all their time in the kiddy pool, or at the shallow end in floaties, so be it. Get them nice safe training wheels for their bike, explain what they are for, let them ride that until they seem confident, then move the wheels up slightly so they offer a little less stability and let them get used to that, make changes slowly.
Talk about things they did that they thought were scary at first but got used to. Let them know it's OK not to be good at something at first. Never "throw them in the deep end" they will loose their trust in you, never make them feel small for having fears or they will stop telling you them.
So a trip to the pool might go like this. Wow you sat on the edge of the pool with your floaties on, that's great, do you want to come in? I'll hold you. Oh look at you you are so awesome, hey can you do it with me just holding one hand? No OK maybe another time, we'll just swim together then hey this is fun.
posted by wwax at 11:12 AM on June 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Talk about things they did that they thought were scary at first but got used to. Let them know it's OK not to be good at something at first. Never "throw them in the deep end" they will loose their trust in you, never make them feel small for having fears or they will stop telling you them.
So a trip to the pool might go like this. Wow you sat on the edge of the pool with your floaties on, that's great, do you want to come in? I'll hold you. Oh look at you you are so awesome, hey can you do it with me just holding one hand? No OK maybe another time, we'll just swim together then hey this is fun.
posted by wwax at 11:12 AM on June 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
How brave are you? I ask because they see mom or dad and do what they do. What kind of stories have you told them about situations in which you were brave?
Alternately tell them stories about grandparents or other relatives who were brave or other figures they could identify with.
posted by Barry B. Palindromer at 11:14 AM on June 3, 2015
Alternately tell them stories about grandparents or other relatives who were brave or other figures they could identify with.
posted by Barry B. Palindromer at 11:14 AM on June 3, 2015
I am a timid person. The way to get me to ride a bike or swim (both things I still kind of hate) is to put me with people who do it, who I like and look up to and want to impress. That motivates me to push through the fear.
posted by decathexis at 11:23 AM on June 3, 2015
posted by decathexis at 11:23 AM on June 3, 2015
I think it depends the age.
I'd love if you'd put an age because based on my 3 boys different things work at different ages.
posted by ReluctantViking at 11:45 AM on June 3, 2015
I'd love if you'd put an age because based on my 3 boys different things work at different ages.
posted by ReluctantViking at 11:45 AM on June 3, 2015
Best answer: To me, it's all in the preparation. If they're getting to the New Thing and they have no idea what the New Thing is before they get there, you've already failed. If you want to take a kid skiing, for example, and you haven't put the boots and skis on in your living room -- several times -- before getting to the slopes, there's no amount of "just try it, it's fun" you can do to change their minds.
This could be anything, and no preparation is too basic, and achieving mastery over one part of the thing will help them feel at ease with everything else. "Hey, we're going to movies tomorrow. Let's practice how we're going to eat popcorn."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:51 AM on June 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
This could be anything, and no preparation is too basic, and achieving mastery over one part of the thing will help them feel at ease with everything else. "Hey, we're going to movies tomorrow. Let's practice how we're going to eat popcorn."
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:51 AM on June 3, 2015 [4 favorites]
Small, successful steps. Help them succeed in a very small way.
Examples from my life-- small kid super afraid of ocean - wont go close to the water. First step have fun near the water without getting wet. DONE. Next time Hold them while your in the water. DONE, etc.
Older - give them an out. son:"I can't do soccer." me "Let's sign up and go for a couple practices, etc." Then in a not over the top way, encourage them on their success of going to the practice, etc.
posted by ReluctantViking at 11:54 AM on June 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Examples from my life-- small kid super afraid of ocean - wont go close to the water. First step have fun near the water without getting wet. DONE. Next time Hold them while your in the water. DONE, etc.
Older - give them an out. son:"I can't do soccer." me "Let's sign up and go for a couple practices, etc." Then in a not over the top way, encourage them on their success of going to the practice, etc.
posted by ReluctantViking at 11:54 AM on June 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'm no expert, but what I try to do with my four year old is, I try to catch her being brave. Then I say, "wow, you were so brave! I'm so proud of you! You were scared but you still went on that slide! So awesome!"
Not sure if it works, but since praise is what humans remember best, I'm hoping that it'll help define her attitude towards fear and courage!
posted by Omnomnom at 2:31 PM on June 3, 2015
Not sure if it works, but since praise is what humans remember best, I'm hoping that it'll help define her attitude towards fear and courage!
posted by Omnomnom at 2:31 PM on June 3, 2015
And also I wouldn't cajole a kid to give something scary a try. I'd try to make it sound as interesting as possible but after that leave it up to the kid whether and how she approaches the Thing. Appear not at all invested in this. Kids (and, really, adults, too) feel more comfortable taking risks if they themselves determine at what speed to take them.
posted by Omnomnom at 2:36 PM on June 3, 2015
posted by Omnomnom at 2:36 PM on June 3, 2015
Agree with many commenters, particularly wwax, Cool Papa Bell and ReluctantViking. Acknowledge the child's fears, let them talk about how they think the scary thing will go in a calm and non-judgmental way (maybe do a drawing if they won't talk), try to identify with them what moments/parts/aspects will be scary and why. Lack of knowledge or misunderstandings may be fueling the fear. Talk through each scary moment/part/aspect and game out a strategy for dealing with it, asking lots of questions along the way so that you're both arriving at a solution sort of Socratically, and framing your contributions as suggestions the child can agree with or modify so they feel empowered and like they are the ones coming up with a plan while you are the coach. Make the child actually following through low stakes so they can feel free to fail, but provide low-key positive reinforcement if they can face their fears and actually try the scary thing so they feel successful, strong and independent.
posted by the thought-fox at 4:32 PM on June 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by the thought-fox at 4:32 PM on June 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best thing that was worked with my daughter is to encourage her to "practice bravery." She has learned to try scary things for just brief periods of time until she gets the hang of things. We don't make a big deal of any failures but we always praise her attempts at courage!
posted by IndigoOnTheGo at 5:12 PM on June 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by IndigoOnTheGo at 5:12 PM on June 3, 2015 [1 favorite]
This works with other things as well:
If you want your child to believe something about themselves, let them 'overhear' you telling someone else how 'X' they are [in this case it might be 'brave']. This is much more effective than just telling them the same thing to their face.
posted by HiroProtagonist at 6:37 PM on June 3, 2015
If you want your child to believe something about themselves, let them 'overhear' you telling someone else how 'X' they are [in this case it might be 'brave']. This is much more effective than just telling them the same thing to their face.
posted by HiroProtagonist at 6:37 PM on June 3, 2015
A good boy scout or girl scout group can be a good way. This can include capable instructors and resources, peers modeling behavior, and avoiding slightly awry established parent-child dynamics.
posted by sebastienbailard at 8:49 PM on June 3, 2015
posted by sebastienbailard at 8:49 PM on June 3, 2015
I'd like to recommend this book. Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking. One of the sections is on how to deal with kids in this respect. My take away is, make an extra effort on introducing them to things....but don't push them so that they're scared. Admittedly, it takes lots of patience. It also talked about how not to transfer your hangups on to your kids.
posted by Spumante at 4:16 AM on June 4, 2015
posted by Spumante at 4:16 AM on June 4, 2015
A thing that seems to help my preschooler is playing a tricky little game of saying that he doesn't have to do something, but pushing him incrementally to do every other thing right up to that point. It often seems to be a matter of something feeling unachievable until it's broken down into tiny steps.
Like, a thing right now is going to the hairdresser's, because I'm tired of cutting his hair, and am no good at it. (I know, this isn't riding a bike, but it's a thing my kid is anxious about.) We walked past a salon and I pointed out the scissors and the seat and the big funny apron. No, you don't need to get your hair cut if you don't want to, I'm just showing you what's involved. We keep going. He's coming with me this weekend when I'm getting my hair cut (he has an appointment scheduled but we'll see--I told my hairdresser she'll get paid either way.) If he doesn't want his hair cut, that's fine, but he will still sit with the wacky apron on the goofy chair, and will go through the process of watching me get my hair cut, and see that it's okay to wiggle and meet the lovely hairdresser.
About half the time at this point, he has enough information to feel brave, and goes through with whatever. The other half of the time, he nopes out, which is fine, because I was never lying about him not having to do it. The fact that he knows I listen to his real limit really helps him to go a step or two past his comfort zone, because he knows that if he nopes out when the hairdresser approaches his bangs with giant scissors, I'll support him on that, or take a break first, or whatever he needs.
posted by tchemgrrl at 1:09 PM on June 4, 2015
Like, a thing right now is going to the hairdresser's, because I'm tired of cutting his hair, and am no good at it. (I know, this isn't riding a bike, but it's a thing my kid is anxious about.) We walked past a salon and I pointed out the scissors and the seat and the big funny apron. No, you don't need to get your hair cut if you don't want to, I'm just showing you what's involved. We keep going. He's coming with me this weekend when I'm getting my hair cut (he has an appointment scheduled but we'll see--I told my hairdresser she'll get paid either way.) If he doesn't want his hair cut, that's fine, but he will still sit with the wacky apron on the goofy chair, and will go through the process of watching me get my hair cut, and see that it's okay to wiggle and meet the lovely hairdresser.
About half the time at this point, he has enough information to feel brave, and goes through with whatever. The other half of the time, he nopes out, which is fine, because I was never lying about him not having to do it. The fact that he knows I listen to his real limit really helps him to go a step or two past his comfort zone, because he knows that if he nopes out when the hairdresser approaches his bangs with giant scissors, I'll support him on that, or take a break first, or whatever he needs.
posted by tchemgrrl at 1:09 PM on June 4, 2015
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- Don't tell me it's not scary. I'm scared, so it's scary to me; telling me it's not will only convince me that not only I'm scared but I'm apparently also an idiot for being so. Hear me when I tell you I'm scared, and let me know that it's okay to be scared and to express that.
- Do tell me that I can do it. Tell me that you believe that I have what it takes. Remind me of something that I've already done, and found scary at first, but I did it anyway and it worked out. I'll remember that it was allright in the end, and how good that felt; I'll also feel stronger because I'm remembering something I managed to do.
This is how to act when I'm on top of a big scary hill, and you are trying to help me work up the courage to ride my motorcycle down that hill. I hope it works for your kid(s), too.
posted by Too-Ticky at 10:06 AM on June 3, 2015 [14 favorites]