I'm not BetaZed. I can't read your mind, dude.
June 3, 2015 5:49 AM Subscribe
For those mefites that enjoy giving post-breakup advice and helping people move on and not make the same mistakes again:
I got the slow fade and then a breakup phone call. I didn't realize it was a slow fade and a breakup call.
We went had 3 happy months together and then out of nowhere things changed. He stayed over several times a week (I have been to his house but his bed is currently not big enough for both of us, so we don't stay over there). We enjoyed being introverts together. This felt so different than anything else. We went on a trip together, we had a great time. We just clicked. It was awesome. His best friends love me. My best friends love him. (This never happens.)
April 10 (7 weeks ago):
We have an awesome dinner date and weekend together. Everything is awesome. I don't know this is the last time things will be normal between us.
Week of April 12:
That following week I know he had some work meetings and he was unhappy. He started being less affectionate and not texting or being active on fb. Something was different, he's not making plans, he's distant. I asked. At first he said nothing was wrong, I said I felt something was off between us, he said there wasn't, that I was just thinking things. Then a few days later, I was like seriously, what's going on with us.
He said he was overwhelmed. He said it was job and I believe him. He was working 10-11 hours days but still had 2 days off a week, but his boss was making his life and threatening his job while not providing the support he needed to do his job. (He has always worked long hours on an everchanging schedule the entire time we've been together.) He said that he pulls away when he gets stressed. I say that I understand, but if we're gonna be in relationship, we should be able to talk about stuff that is bothering us and help each other. I say that his change in behavior was so abrupt that I didn't know what was going on. He hugs me and kisses me, just like he used to and says there's nothing to worry about.
He says he's trying to look for a new job, I offer to help with resume stuff. He's excited about this.
He doesn't stay over as much. We go do a previously planned hike on that Saturday. He never holds my hand. I tried to give him a kiss on the cheek at one point and he pulled away and didn't reciprocate (so so so weird). At this point, I'm like, ok maybe this is how he deals with stress.
He grabs his laptop from my house at some point that week to work on his resume.
Week of April 19:
We go on a dinner date (that he asked for.) He hasn't stayed over in a week. I don't think I even saw him the whole week. At dinner he tells me he's being transferred to a new location (still local, actually closer) and hopefully it will be better. Dinner is kinda awkward. We go out for some drinks after and he's not affectionate at all. We go back to my place and he stays over, but we don't make out or even have sex. I have to ask for snuggling. This is so incredibly unusual. His texts have stopped being so frequent and they aren't cute anymore, ever.
That Sunday (five weeks ago):
He texts me about a recipe I had told him about. That is the last text I get from him that wasn't in reply to something I had sent. He started at the new location the following Monday.
I keep trying to be normal, send him some funny pictures, whatever. The usual. I'm not asking for replies. We have now gone, since April 10, from multiple texts a day, with much cute, to I don't hear from him for a whole day at a time. He was selling an old iphone and i put it on office bulletin board, someone bought it. I let him know I have the money for him (the iphone was at my house). He never makes plans or suggests a time to get it. (???) The cute texts have long since faded. There are no I miss yous or Can't wait to see yous. It's fairly perfunctory. A "ha" or something in reply to a pic. If he replies (which I don't expect, but he has until everything went sideways.)
Four weeks ago (a Monday):
I ask if he wants to stop by for dinner. He says he's not hungry but he'll hang out for a little. He stops by. We hang out for a bit, like an hour. During that hour, I ask if we can have some snuggle time and he says sure. I put my head in his lap, he puts his arm over me, but it's like a lead weight. He's holding my hand but something feels off. Anyways, he has to go. He says he's gonna grab his running shoes, one of his roommates cats peed in his other ones. As he goes to leave, I don't try to get a hug or anything. He comes over and kisses me. I think things are ok. Then I don't hear from him for 3 days.
So,that Friday I mention some cool stuff going that weekend and see if he wants to go. He replied that he's working late that evening and had to work late the night before, so he's going home after work. That's it. I reply later that I hope he gets some rest and I'd like to see him this weekend. I never get another text from him.
At this point, I'm concerned as well as wondering if our relationship is over but really not sure. I go down to the coffeeshop where his roommate works (he lives with a married couple, their his BFFs). I ask her how he's doing. She says she hasn't really seen him since he started the new location because they're on opposite schedules. I say that I am concerned because I know he stopped his depression medication and he's been acting really weird, just went 3 days without texting me, and I've seen him an hour in the last month. She is very surprised. Her reaction is "What?! That is unusual. He won't shut up about you." She says she'll ask her husband and they'll check in him.
So this has been almost a month of increasingly distant behavior that was almost like a light switch. I send some texts that Saturday that maybe I shouldn't have but I'm saying how this distance is hurting me, I don't understand how he went from telling me I'm everything he's been looking for to completely ignoring me when I say I want to see him. That I don't know what's going on because he's not communicating with me. Maybe it sounds drastic, but seriously we went from attached at the hip to barely communicating overnight.
Sunday he calls. He says he heard I was concerned about him. He said he's sorry for dragging me into this, he's just in a shitty spot. He said he's trying to deal with things directly so he didn't want to send a text that he's just busy because he didn't want to be ambigous. I say "ambiguous about what?" He says something about just being overwhelmed with work yadda yadda. He says that none of this my fault.
We talked for like 20 minutes. I thought it was a conversation where he was apologizing for being distant, not a break up call. I didn't ask if he was breaking up with me though. I should have.
The next day I see on fb that he and his ex are friends again. She unfriended him when he and I started dating. He has told me what an awful person she was and how it was a mistake to date her. Yes, I know, I should have known it was over. But he had never given me any reason to believe this was anything other than work-related stress.
The idiot things I did
So, that phone call was 3 weeks ago this past Sunday. I didn't contact him. Didn't post things on his fb. Only exceptions were I emailed him a job I saw that sounded like what he said he wanted to do. I sent him a card that I found at a street fair that I thought he would like. I didn't say anyting lovey in it, just saw this and thought you would like. I never heard from him, never heard that he got the card.
This Sunday and Monday, I sent some nice/a bit angry messages to him that maybe I shouldn't have sent. I mean, it's been almost two months since things have been anywhere close to normal. He still has a key to my house (i've since changed the lock), he has a bunch of stuff there (clothes, books, a pillow, random toiletries, etc. - a whole box full). And HE STILL had himself in a relationship on FB. We were only together for 3 months. How can you go 2 months without really talking to or interacting with the other person and say it's relationship? (he's on fb a lot, liking other people's shit. he's never really posted stuff, just likes. he updated his fb profile pic and his cover photo the day after we talked on the phone. the cover photo was to one from our first date.)
The messages were longer than they needed to be for sure. But I needed to get it out because it was making me crazy. I can't believe that someone who was telling I was the best thing in the world was fucking shady ditching me. The messages were me saying that I wasn't happy with how I reacted to his being distant, that I let my anxiety get the best of me, that I'm doing some things to work on myself in that area (we've talked about our own anxiety a bit), that I hope we can try again in the future, that I know he said it wasn't my fault, but that what I'm apologizing for is my reaction. And then stupidly, I sent him a message saying that if he wants to break up with someone, you have to be direct, you can't beat around the bush, you have to say "We can't see each other anymore" "I can't have a relationship right now" "I have to end things" - something that is definitive, because what he said on the phone to me was none of that. That I know he was trying to not hurt me, but that it hurt so much more like this.
I changed my fb status to single. I know he's seen the messages. My friends had been firmly in the camp of "he didn't break up with you", even after the phone call, until the 3 weeks no contact thing. Even my one friend who is older and will ALWAYS tell me that a guy isn't worth my time. Even SHE thought he was being stressed. Maybe a week of no contact, but this long? That just isn't right. And I agree. It has to end and maybe we can try again in the future, because we were only together for 3 months anyways. Regardless of how awesome it was.
Oh Wise Ones of AskMe...
- Yes I'm in therapy. What should I be asking my therapist on this?
- I think the hardest thing for me to handle was that this dude I was about to fall in love with was just suddenly gone. How does one handle that? Everything up til then pointed at him feeling the same way. We were making future plans, like what kind of place we'd want to get together and how our cats would get along.
- I feel so bad for sending the messages, but I needed to get it out. Why did I need to get it out? Why couldn't I just move on? I had a friend read them and she said they're not crazy town, just self aware and honest and only the part about not breaking up more directly was a bit hurt, but that I am hurt and he needs to know that. I just feel like such a goddamn moron. Why couldn't I just let it go? Part of it is I needed there to be no ambiguity, if he wasn't gonna say we were done, I was. I needed it to be clearly over. And I felt like he was just getting away without having to do any of the hard parts.
- How do I avoid this in the future? I'm afraid of saying "no dating" because you never know who you will meet. I'm an introvert as it is. I'm afraid that I will just get so set in my ways that I won't have room for someone else. Then I remember that Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter were married and still had separate houses. I'm not dead set on getting married or something, but I do want to meet someone. I have my interests and hobbies and things I do. I'm in therapy and working on anxiety. I try to keep healthy (I'm doing a whole30 right now!)
We went had 3 happy months together and then out of nowhere things changed. He stayed over several times a week (I have been to his house but his bed is currently not big enough for both of us, so we don't stay over there). We enjoyed being introverts together. This felt so different than anything else. We went on a trip together, we had a great time. We just clicked. It was awesome. His best friends love me. My best friends love him. (This never happens.)
April 10 (7 weeks ago):
We have an awesome dinner date and weekend together. Everything is awesome. I don't know this is the last time things will be normal between us.
Week of April 12:
That following week I know he had some work meetings and he was unhappy. He started being less affectionate and not texting or being active on fb. Something was different, he's not making plans, he's distant. I asked. At first he said nothing was wrong, I said I felt something was off between us, he said there wasn't, that I was just thinking things. Then a few days later, I was like seriously, what's going on with us.
He said he was overwhelmed. He said it was job and I believe him. He was working 10-11 hours days but still had 2 days off a week, but his boss was making his life and threatening his job while not providing the support he needed to do his job. (He has always worked long hours on an everchanging schedule the entire time we've been together.) He said that he pulls away when he gets stressed. I say that I understand, but if we're gonna be in relationship, we should be able to talk about stuff that is bothering us and help each other. I say that his change in behavior was so abrupt that I didn't know what was going on. He hugs me and kisses me, just like he used to and says there's nothing to worry about.
He says he's trying to look for a new job, I offer to help with resume stuff. He's excited about this.
He doesn't stay over as much. We go do a previously planned hike on that Saturday. He never holds my hand. I tried to give him a kiss on the cheek at one point and he pulled away and didn't reciprocate (so so so weird). At this point, I'm like, ok maybe this is how he deals with stress.
He grabs his laptop from my house at some point that week to work on his resume.
Week of April 19:
We go on a dinner date (that he asked for.) He hasn't stayed over in a week. I don't think I even saw him the whole week. At dinner he tells me he's being transferred to a new location (still local, actually closer) and hopefully it will be better. Dinner is kinda awkward. We go out for some drinks after and he's not affectionate at all. We go back to my place and he stays over, but we don't make out or even have sex. I have to ask for snuggling. This is so incredibly unusual. His texts have stopped being so frequent and they aren't cute anymore, ever.
That Sunday (five weeks ago):
He texts me about a recipe I had told him about. That is the last text I get from him that wasn't in reply to something I had sent. He started at the new location the following Monday.
I keep trying to be normal, send him some funny pictures, whatever. The usual. I'm not asking for replies. We have now gone, since April 10, from multiple texts a day, with much cute, to I don't hear from him for a whole day at a time. He was selling an old iphone and i put it on office bulletin board, someone bought it. I let him know I have the money for him (the iphone was at my house). He never makes plans or suggests a time to get it. (???) The cute texts have long since faded. There are no I miss yous or Can't wait to see yous. It's fairly perfunctory. A "ha" or something in reply to a pic. If he replies (which I don't expect, but he has until everything went sideways.)
Four weeks ago (a Monday):
I ask if he wants to stop by for dinner. He says he's not hungry but he'll hang out for a little. He stops by. We hang out for a bit, like an hour. During that hour, I ask if we can have some snuggle time and he says sure. I put my head in his lap, he puts his arm over me, but it's like a lead weight. He's holding my hand but something feels off. Anyways, he has to go. He says he's gonna grab his running shoes, one of his roommates cats peed in his other ones. As he goes to leave, I don't try to get a hug or anything. He comes over and kisses me. I think things are ok. Then I don't hear from him for 3 days.
So,that Friday I mention some cool stuff going that weekend and see if he wants to go. He replied that he's working late that evening and had to work late the night before, so he's going home after work. That's it. I reply later that I hope he gets some rest and I'd like to see him this weekend. I never get another text from him.
At this point, I'm concerned as well as wondering if our relationship is over but really not sure. I go down to the coffeeshop where his roommate works (he lives with a married couple, their his BFFs). I ask her how he's doing. She says she hasn't really seen him since he started the new location because they're on opposite schedules. I say that I am concerned because I know he stopped his depression medication and he's been acting really weird, just went 3 days without texting me, and I've seen him an hour in the last month. She is very surprised. Her reaction is "What?! That is unusual. He won't shut up about you." She says she'll ask her husband and they'll check in him.
So this has been almost a month of increasingly distant behavior that was almost like a light switch. I send some texts that Saturday that maybe I shouldn't have but I'm saying how this distance is hurting me, I don't understand how he went from telling me I'm everything he's been looking for to completely ignoring me when I say I want to see him. That I don't know what's going on because he's not communicating with me. Maybe it sounds drastic, but seriously we went from attached at the hip to barely communicating overnight.
Sunday he calls. He says he heard I was concerned about him. He said he's sorry for dragging me into this, he's just in a shitty spot. He said he's trying to deal with things directly so he didn't want to send a text that he's just busy because he didn't want to be ambigous. I say "ambiguous about what?" He says something about just being overwhelmed with work yadda yadda. He says that none of this my fault.
We talked for like 20 minutes. I thought it was a conversation where he was apologizing for being distant, not a break up call. I didn't ask if he was breaking up with me though. I should have.
The next day I see on fb that he and his ex are friends again. She unfriended him when he and I started dating. He has told me what an awful person she was and how it was a mistake to date her. Yes, I know, I should have known it was over. But he had never given me any reason to believe this was anything other than work-related stress.
The idiot things I did
So, that phone call was 3 weeks ago this past Sunday. I didn't contact him. Didn't post things on his fb. Only exceptions were I emailed him a job I saw that sounded like what he said he wanted to do. I sent him a card that I found at a street fair that I thought he would like. I didn't say anyting lovey in it, just saw this and thought you would like. I never heard from him, never heard that he got the card.
This Sunday and Monday, I sent some nice/a bit angry messages to him that maybe I shouldn't have sent. I mean, it's been almost two months since things have been anywhere close to normal. He still has a key to my house (i've since changed the lock), he has a bunch of stuff there (clothes, books, a pillow, random toiletries, etc. - a whole box full). And HE STILL had himself in a relationship on FB. We were only together for 3 months. How can you go 2 months without really talking to or interacting with the other person and say it's relationship? (he's on fb a lot, liking other people's shit. he's never really posted stuff, just likes. he updated his fb profile pic and his cover photo the day after we talked on the phone. the cover photo was to one from our first date.)
The messages were longer than they needed to be for sure. But I needed to get it out because it was making me crazy. I can't believe that someone who was telling I was the best thing in the world was fucking shady ditching me. The messages were me saying that I wasn't happy with how I reacted to his being distant, that I let my anxiety get the best of me, that I'm doing some things to work on myself in that area (we've talked about our own anxiety a bit), that I hope we can try again in the future, that I know he said it wasn't my fault, but that what I'm apologizing for is my reaction. And then stupidly, I sent him a message saying that if he wants to break up with someone, you have to be direct, you can't beat around the bush, you have to say "We can't see each other anymore" "I can't have a relationship right now" "I have to end things" - something that is definitive, because what he said on the phone to me was none of that. That I know he was trying to not hurt me, but that it hurt so much more like this.
I changed my fb status to single. I know he's seen the messages. My friends had been firmly in the camp of "he didn't break up with you", even after the phone call, until the 3 weeks no contact thing. Even my one friend who is older and will ALWAYS tell me that a guy isn't worth my time. Even SHE thought he was being stressed. Maybe a week of no contact, but this long? That just isn't right. And I agree. It has to end and maybe we can try again in the future, because we were only together for 3 months anyways. Regardless of how awesome it was.
Oh Wise Ones of AskMe...
- Yes I'm in therapy. What should I be asking my therapist on this?
- I think the hardest thing for me to handle was that this dude I was about to fall in love with was just suddenly gone. How does one handle that? Everything up til then pointed at him feeling the same way. We were making future plans, like what kind of place we'd want to get together and how our cats would get along.
- I feel so bad for sending the messages, but I needed to get it out. Why did I need to get it out? Why couldn't I just move on? I had a friend read them and she said they're not crazy town, just self aware and honest and only the part about not breaking up more directly was a bit hurt, but that I am hurt and he needs to know that. I just feel like such a goddamn moron. Why couldn't I just let it go? Part of it is I needed there to be no ambiguity, if he wasn't gonna say we were done, I was. I needed it to be clearly over. And I felt like he was just getting away without having to do any of the hard parts.
- How do I avoid this in the future? I'm afraid of saying "no dating" because you never know who you will meet. I'm an introvert as it is. I'm afraid that I will just get so set in my ways that I won't have room for someone else. Then I remember that Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter were married and still had separate houses. I'm not dead set on getting married or something, but I do want to meet someone. I have my interests and hobbies and things I do. I'm in therapy and working on anxiety. I try to keep healthy (I'm doing a whole30 right now!)
This post was deleted for the following reason: I'm terribly sorry but as posted I feel this is really difficult to answer in a way that will be of any use to you. If you'd like to try again it could be shorter, and preferably without the bolded text above the fold. But more importantly there needs to be a very concrete answerable question for it to work here. -- goodnewsfortheinsane
Response by poster: oops should have proofed:
- When I went to the coffeeshop, I didn't say it was month. I did say I had seen him for an hour once, in the last two weeks and only one other date in the last month.
- And yes, I was seriously concerned that he was entering some sort of serious depression thing or I would not have gone to see his friend. I'm not THAT wacky. That's how abrupt his change in behavior was. It's hard to put it down here, but it was really that drastic of a change that I took it as mental health not breakup. If I had thought it was just over, I would never go run after a friend or roommate like that. That's just weird.
- On the phone call, I said that if we were going to get through this, I wanted to see him once a week, even if it was just for a short hangout. He said ok, we could still hang out. I told him that my schedule was more flexible than his, so he could let me know. (This would be a HUGE reason why I thought were still together.) On the call he addressed the depression thing and said that he was not being self-destructive, that he was not drinking heavily, or really at all, and had started running again.
Ok, i promise to not threadsit, just wanted to clarify after my reread.
Thanks all.
posted by inmyhead at 6:14 AM on June 3, 2015
- When I went to the coffeeshop, I didn't say it was month. I did say I had seen him for an hour once, in the last two weeks and only one other date in the last month.
- And yes, I was seriously concerned that he was entering some sort of serious depression thing or I would not have gone to see his friend. I'm not THAT wacky. That's how abrupt his change in behavior was. It's hard to put it down here, but it was really that drastic of a change that I took it as mental health not breakup. If I had thought it was just over, I would never go run after a friend or roommate like that. That's just weird.
- On the phone call, I said that if we were going to get through this, I wanted to see him once a week, even if it was just for a short hangout. He said ok, we could still hang out. I told him that my schedule was more flexible than his, so he could let me know. (This would be a HUGE reason why I thought were still together.) On the call he addressed the depression thing and said that he was not being self-destructive, that he was not drinking heavily, or really at all, and had started running again.
Ok, i promise to not threadsit, just wanted to clarify after my reread.
Thanks all.
posted by inmyhead at 6:14 AM on June 3, 2015
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I'm going to tackle your last question, because as a Coach, this is the stuff I deal with with clients on a weekly basis.
First: Three months is NOT a long time. Methinks you rushed into this a bit and got the OMG OMG OMG THIS IS AWESOME feels and hit the gas pedal instead of occasionally pumping the brakes. This is one thing I would recommend to Future You. Be more Spock, be less Kirk. I think that these issues of his would have been less hurtful if you'd been watching a bit more and feeling a bit less. It's a difficult balance to maintain (a la Yin/Yang) but is helpful and healthy when first entering an exclusive relationship. BE WARM, BUT MAINTAIN A HEALTHY BOUNDARY.
Second: I'm an introvert as well, but I can disguise myself as an extrovert when necessary. I would not rule out dating, but perhaps your definition of dating is different than mine: When I was dating, I kept it calm and casual and never rushed into things. I dated several women at the same time as I got to know them. It was difficult, but it made me slow down and think. I let things take their own time. It's almost like an audition. They are auditioning for the role of Boyfriend, and you need to make sure they measure up. Go out on dates, get out there, but keep everyone at arm's length until you have had plenty of time to suss them out. Definitely no one night stands. Sexy times too early can cloud your vision.
Third: How will you know if they measure up? Do you know what you're looking for when it comes to a relationship? Have you written these things down? Do you read them frequently? Do you use that list as a measuring tape when going out on dates? I don't think a man should have to hit 10 out of 10, but damn, he should get at least 8, if you know what I mean. SET STANDARDS. Hold yourself and them to these standards.
Know what you want.
Take your time.
Practice extreme self-care.
Move forward, but occasionally tap the brakes, pull over and see where you are.
You deserve the best, and the best takes work.
You got this.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 6:12 AM on June 3, 2015 [1 favorite]