Friend I barely know in need of "huge support this weekend"
May 13, 2015 5:01 PM Subscribe
A Facebook friend I hardly know posted a very suicidal post a couple days ago involving being on a bridge and wanting to jump off. Because it appeared urgent and no one else had responded in any way, I sent him a message and my phone number and told him to call me. He did call (by this time he was in a bar), and we talked for about half an hour. I have been in somewhat similar situations before, but never with someone I really don't know (we've met once), and now he has sent me a Facebook message saying "I need huge support this weekend." I need advice on how to respond.
I am Facebook friends with a person (I'll call him John) whom I only met once, through his long-term boyfriend whom I've known very casually for the last 7 years. Sometimes (well, quite frequently) he likes my posts. I have probably liked some of his posts, but much more rarely (but it does seem like he shows up in my newsfeed constantly).
When we spoke on the phone, he said he is in the middle of some very intense, EMDR therapy for his PTSD (I don't know what it is from). It also seems he and his partner are in the process of separating after 5 years. I mostly just tried to listen, but was very unsure of what I should actually say or do. He is staying with family and other friends and seems to have some community, as well as very regularly scheduled sessions of this therapy.
I reached out to him knowing of course that I would be opening myself up to continued support. I don't know how available I really am due to drowning in projects as the university semester ends in mid-June. Plus, I do feel awkward that I don't know him at all, so I don't feel comfortable offering the usual, genuine support and affection I've given other, closer friends in the past.
What is my role here? I obviously want him to be safe and to call me, but I can't be there for him like he clearly needs someone to be. How do I communicate this safely?
I am Facebook friends with a person (I'll call him John) whom I only met once, through his long-term boyfriend whom I've known very casually for the last 7 years. Sometimes (well, quite frequently) he likes my posts. I have probably liked some of his posts, but much more rarely (but it does seem like he shows up in my newsfeed constantly).
When we spoke on the phone, he said he is in the middle of some very intense, EMDR therapy for his PTSD (I don't know what it is from). It also seems he and his partner are in the process of separating after 5 years. I mostly just tried to listen, but was very unsure of what I should actually say or do. He is staying with family and other friends and seems to have some community, as well as very regularly scheduled sessions of this therapy.
I reached out to him knowing of course that I would be opening myself up to continued support. I don't know how available I really am due to drowning in projects as the university semester ends in mid-June. Plus, I do feel awkward that I don't know him at all, so I don't feel comfortable offering the usual, genuine support and affection I've given other, closer friends in the past.
What is my role here? I obviously want him to be safe and to call me, but I can't be there for him like he clearly needs someone to be. How do I communicate this safely?
First, you ask him what kind of help he needs.
Listen first. Don't commit to anything you can't do, but if you can do something like take him for coffee for an hour, offer that.
Then maybe ask to be put in touch with some of his family and friends so you can organize a buddy on-call roster for the weekend? Or, whatever, it'll depend on what he says he needs.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:08 PM on May 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
Listen first. Don't commit to anything you can't do, but if you can do something like take him for coffee for an hour, offer that.
Then maybe ask to be put in touch with some of his family and friends so you can organize a buddy on-call roster for the weekend? Or, whatever, it'll depend on what he says he needs.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:08 PM on May 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
I would side-step this issue by messaging back asking "Who do you have locally who might be able to step up this weekend?"
posted by DarlingBri at 5:10 PM on May 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 5:10 PM on May 13, 2015 [3 favorites]
He has professionals to help him. He most likely had a safety plan. You can help distract and listen but you are not a professional and nothing you do Is going to solve his current issues (partner and PTSD). It is okay to strategize who else to call if you can't talk. Hotlines should be included in that, and 911 is a last resort. If be had a preferred hospital for mental health it is better to go through the ER than to call 911 and be sent somewhere randomly.
posted by AlexiaSky at 5:23 PM on May 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by AlexiaSky at 5:23 PM on May 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
Encourage him to set up an emergency appointment(s) with his therapist/psychiatrist. If he's staying with family or friends, encourage him to tell them that he's having suicidal ideation so that they can also help. You're not in a position to be his sole support (VERY inappropriate as you're not trained, nor do you know him well) and it may be easier for him to put this in the lap of a virtual stranger rather than tell the people and therapists in his life that he's in crisis.
What you can do is be very clear that he should pick some trusted friends who know him well to be in on what's going on and that he also has to tell his therapist/psychiatrist what's happening. Be ready with hotline numbers.
I'd ask him what his specific plans are for getting the "huge support" needed. If he says his plan is you, tell him that he needs professional help and a safety net of people who know him well already. It's probably scarier for him to consider that than pretend that this Facebook acquaintance is his knight in shining armor. Good luck. Trust the part of you that feels overwhelmed. He needs the help of both people who know him and know how to deal with suicidal crisis. You can't be the huge support all on your own.
posted by quince at 5:30 PM on May 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
What you can do is be very clear that he should pick some trusted friends who know him well to be in on what's going on and that he also has to tell his therapist/psychiatrist what's happening. Be ready with hotline numbers.
I'd ask him what his specific plans are for getting the "huge support" needed. If he says his plan is you, tell him that he needs professional help and a safety net of people who know him well already. It's probably scarier for him to consider that than pretend that this Facebook acquaintance is his knight in shining armor. Good luck. Trust the part of you that feels overwhelmed. He needs the help of both people who know him and know how to deal with suicidal crisis. You can't be the huge support all on your own.
posted by quince at 5:30 PM on May 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: One option, if you are up for it, is to something like, "Sounds tough. Can I help you make a plan to get all the different kinds of support that will need to get through it?" Then have a conversation that focuses on helping him think about all the different resources he has and what strategies he might use to get through the weekend. You might want to have the information about some crisis hot lines or warm lines that he could use as well. (7 Cups of Tea sounds like a cool option if he just needs someone to talk to) This is also the chance for you to find out who should you call if you get a signal that he is actively suicidal (his family? 911?) Don't volunteer to be more a part of the plan than you have time for but maybe arrange for a check-in later so he knows you care about what happens. If you are concerned that he is at real risk of suicide, you would want to be assured that the people around him, locally, know how bad it is - you are not in a position to be his primary support.
posted by metahawk at 5:33 PM on May 13, 2015 [14 favorites]
posted by metahawk at 5:33 PM on May 13, 2015 [14 favorites]
"I hope you have lots of close friends and professional support available over the weekend." This reminds him you're not his close friend and not his professional.
I've had these kind of Facebook friends who 'like' everything I put up, reach out etc, and in my case it's been because they have been wanting my romantic or otherwise attention. This is a possible factor, especially since there's been a recent break up.
posted by honey-barbara at 5:41 PM on May 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
I've had these kind of Facebook friends who 'like' everything I put up, reach out etc, and in my case it's been because they have been wanting my romantic or otherwise attention. This is a possible factor, especially since there's been a recent break up.
posted by honey-barbara at 5:41 PM on May 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
(Gosh, that sounds harsher than I mean. I guess I'm trying to say - be supportive from a separated stance. Instil the tone of the 'friendship' as 'I'm not the right person for this highly intimate and difficult situation')
posted by honey-barbara at 5:44 PM on May 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by honey-barbara at 5:44 PM on May 13, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: You yourself can call a suicide crisis line and talk to someone and ask them for advice. They can be very helpful for this sort of thing.
Boundaries are very important. If you offer your support and then get overwhelmed and have to withdraw, it is going to be messy for both of you. But it seems clear this person is going to take whatever you offer and try to take more. They are basically saying as much. Drowning people grab for whatever's in reach.
A simple message can be -- I want you to stay safe; if you feel overwhelmed, I would like you to call this crisis line (provide number) -- do you think you can do that? This is a caring way to offer support without taking it on yourself.
If you feel you can actually offer more than that, do so, but keep it contained. Think like a therapist. You are either available or you're not. When you need to go, you say "we should wrap up for now, because I need to go". Your boundaries are not negotiable and you don't apologize for them.
posted by PercussivePaul at 5:47 PM on May 13, 2015 [6 favorites]
Boundaries are very important. If you offer your support and then get overwhelmed and have to withdraw, it is going to be messy for both of you. But it seems clear this person is going to take whatever you offer and try to take more. They are basically saying as much. Drowning people grab for whatever's in reach.
A simple message can be -- I want you to stay safe; if you feel overwhelmed, I would like you to call this crisis line (provide number) -- do you think you can do that? This is a caring way to offer support without taking it on yourself.
If you feel you can actually offer more than that, do so, but keep it contained. Think like a therapist. You are either available or you're not. When you need to go, you say "we should wrap up for now, because I need to go". Your boundaries are not negotiable and you don't apologize for them.
posted by PercussivePaul at 5:47 PM on May 13, 2015 [6 favorites]
Very simple: I would tell a white lie about having to do some important event all weekend (traveling, work, funeral, whatever). Then earnestly and helpfully point him to a therapist, hotline, family member, or friend.
Don't feel bad. You've already given of yourself once which was a very kind thing to do. You can't be someone's everything. It is kinder to both you and him to stop your involvement now as much as possible and redirect him elsewhere.
posted by quincunx at 6:00 PM on May 13, 2015
Don't feel bad. You've already given of yourself once which was a very kind thing to do. You can't be someone's everything. It is kinder to both you and him to stop your involvement now as much as possible and redirect him elsewhere.
posted by quincunx at 6:00 PM on May 13, 2015
Best answer: Protect yourself. You cannot rescue this guy. You can offer him support but do it in a way that puts the responsibility where it should be, which is on him.
If I got a message from someone who is basically a distant acquaintance that said, "I need huge support this weekend", I'd probably respond like this:
"I understand that you need lots of support this weekend. What kind of support do you need? How do you plan to get it? Have you called your therapist and worked out a plan with him or her to get the support you need? How did you want me to help?" And then I'd wait to see how he responded.
This kind of reply validates his request and makes him feel heard. It helps him think about the fact that he needs to make a plan. It asks if he's talked to his therapist about this (and reminds him that if he hasn't, he should), and it asks what kind of help he wants from you without promising to give him that help. After all, you can't commit to something without knowing what it is and if you have the time and energy available to help him in that way.
If he has not talked to his therapist about needing massive support this weekend, I'd encourage him to make a safety plan with his close friends and family, give him suicide hotline number(s) to use in an emergency and then I'd let him know that I cared about him but was simply unavailable to help this weekend. Then I would stay the hell out of it. Not to be callous but to protect myself from drowning in his woes.
This guy seemingly has support in the form of his therapist, close friends and family. I'd personally be unwilling to play the role of rescuer to a guy who has a therapist but somehow isn't talking to him/her. Like, did he not call the therapist while standing on the bridge? And if not, WTF?
As someone who has had suicidal ideation from time to time, I'm sure this person is suffering. I am skeptical, however, that your involvement will actually make a difference to his health. And getting involved might screw up your own life. So don't make promises that will come back to bite you on the ass.
When I take Al-Anon calls, I'm always clear that I have X minutes to talk. Then 2 minutes before that time is up I gently remind the caller that we need to wrap it up. That is not being callous, that is being practical. If you can help him, help him. By all means! But only in ways that make sense to you and do not deplete your own much-needed resources.
Apologies if I sound like a hard ass. A friend once called me and was suicidal and I had no idea what to do but I remembered about the safety plan thing and got her to promise not to harm herself for at least 24 hours and to check in with me the next day and to find a therapist, yadda yadda. It worked out, but it was mega scary and exhausting and I hope never to find myself in that situation again.
You have a good heart. I would have responded to his FB posting as well. Some of us are like that. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 6:10 PM on May 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
If I got a message from someone who is basically a distant acquaintance that said, "I need huge support this weekend", I'd probably respond like this:
"I understand that you need lots of support this weekend. What kind of support do you need? How do you plan to get it? Have you called your therapist and worked out a plan with him or her to get the support you need? How did you want me to help?" And then I'd wait to see how he responded.
This kind of reply validates his request and makes him feel heard. It helps him think about the fact that he needs to make a plan. It asks if he's talked to his therapist about this (and reminds him that if he hasn't, he should), and it asks what kind of help he wants from you without promising to give him that help. After all, you can't commit to something without knowing what it is and if you have the time and energy available to help him in that way.
If he has not talked to his therapist about needing massive support this weekend, I'd encourage him to make a safety plan with his close friends and family, give him suicide hotline number(s) to use in an emergency and then I'd let him know that I cared about him but was simply unavailable to help this weekend. Then I would stay the hell out of it. Not to be callous but to protect myself from drowning in his woes.
This guy seemingly has support in the form of his therapist, close friends and family. I'd personally be unwilling to play the role of rescuer to a guy who has a therapist but somehow isn't talking to him/her. Like, did he not call the therapist while standing on the bridge? And if not, WTF?
As someone who has had suicidal ideation from time to time, I'm sure this person is suffering. I am skeptical, however, that your involvement will actually make a difference to his health. And getting involved might screw up your own life. So don't make promises that will come back to bite you on the ass.
When I take Al-Anon calls, I'm always clear that I have X minutes to talk. Then 2 minutes before that time is up I gently remind the caller that we need to wrap it up. That is not being callous, that is being practical. If you can help him, help him. By all means! But only in ways that make sense to you and do not deplete your own much-needed resources.
Apologies if I sound like a hard ass. A friend once called me and was suicidal and I had no idea what to do but I remembered about the safety plan thing and got her to promise not to harm herself for at least 24 hours and to check in with me the next day and to find a therapist, yadda yadda. It worked out, but it was mega scary and exhausting and I hope never to find myself in that situation again.
You have a good heart. I would have responded to his FB posting as well. Some of us are like that. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 6:10 PM on May 13, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'd encourage him to reach out to his therapist, or ask him if he can be with his family so they can keep an eye on him. Encourage him to tell his family what he is dealing with and to let them know he needs help. It's not really clear why he would need you and why his family isn't helping. Does his family not know?
posted by AppleTurnover at 7:04 PM on May 13, 2015
posted by AppleTurnover at 7:04 PM on May 13, 2015
Response by poster: I sent John a message that kept a kind, empathizing tone, but made it clear he should reach out to his therapist, family/close friends, or various hotlines I gave him the number to if he is feeling unsafe. Thanks everyone for reminding me about the importance of boundaries in this situation!
posted by Corduroy at 11:00 PM on May 13, 2015 [18 favorites]
posted by Corduroy at 11:00 PM on May 13, 2015 [18 favorites]
This happened to me once. Besides a variation on the useful suggestions above, I also employed borderline stalkery means to acquire the person's address, just in case I got a sudden "suicide in progress" message and needed to send the police around ASAP. Luckily I never needed it. The person was in touch several days later to apologise and say they were doing better; I haven't heard from them since.
posted by emilyw at 10:49 AM on May 14, 2015
posted by emilyw at 10:49 AM on May 14, 2015
1. Tell him you have half an hour/an hour to make plans for where he will get support this weekend, as suggested above.
2. Make plans to pick him up for tea & cake, or a walk in the park, on Sunday or Monday afternoon. Just 30 mins or an hour, but something to do/look forward to, with a time limit on it. Some kind of activity/show or visiting a gallery is good too, something out of their head and external, even not something where you talk. Talking can be more draining for the listener than it helps for the talker, and presence can be just as good or better.
posted by Elysum at 4:53 AM on May 15, 2015
2. Make plans to pick him up for tea & cake, or a walk in the park, on Sunday or Monday afternoon. Just 30 mins or an hour, but something to do/look forward to, with a time limit on it. Some kind of activity/show or visiting a gallery is good too, something out of their head and external, even not something where you talk. Talking can be more draining for the listener than it helps for the talker, and presence can be just as good or better.
posted by Elysum at 4:53 AM on May 15, 2015
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posted by Corduroy at 5:03 PM on May 13, 2015