My best friend cheated on her boyfriend, and this pisses me off
May 11, 2015 1:26 PM Subscribe
She's been with her BF for 5+ yrs. I'm upset about it but feel like it's not my right to be. Help me understand how to move forward.
Apologies for the length:
I found out that my best friend of ~2yrs cheated on her long-term BF. We were all pretty drunk when she told us, so this all comes with a grain of salt, but 1) I know that she's cheated on her BF in the past, before I knew her, but I guess he suspected and they ultimately reconciled. 2) She's known/flirted with the other guy off and on for a while, he had a GF, I don't know if he still does (him and I are just acquaintances), 3) they were both sober at the time, and 4) she expressed regret that he still hasn't called her back.
I'm struggling to understand how someone could make such a conscious decision. That last bullet point, especially, came across to me as extremely flippant. I don't know how orchestrated the circumstances were. It sounded like more accident than premeditation. We talked about it later that night - I guess I tried to offer my (inebriated) advice which came down to "if you're in love with someone else you should just break up with your BF, you shouldn't toy with people like that, life's too short, if someone did that to me I wouldn't be able to forgive them, etc". She was distraught towards the entire thing. The conversation literally ended with "this conversation is over".
So I've been distant(?) since then, at least when we hang out I've been less than my usual cheerful self. I can't be the one to broach the subject at this point. They're her choices to make; she doesn't need my advice. And I don't really want to preach anyways, not more than I already have. I may have crossed a line that night. I certainly don't want to be the person that someone wouldn't feel comfortable turning to. But I still feel angry, and I feel like she's made a series of bad decisions.
She's noticed my attitude these last few days but we hadn't approached the subject head-on until last night (we were all drinking again) when she asked me if I was upset with her. I tried to beat around the bush, change the subject, whatever, but she kept pressing, asking me to just tell her if I was. So, I did, "yes, I'm upset with you". She seemed to agree - she said that she feels upset with herself. I said that "it's not my place to say-" when one of her friends walked in, someone who didn't know, so that conversation ended pretty quickly.
I'm not going to lie, I (think I?) have/had feelings towards her, but we're friends first and foremost, and I wouldn't ever get between someone else's relationship. I don't think she'd reciprocate anyways (well, especially not considering the circumstances). Since I have to compartmentalize my feelings I'm not sure if they're even appropriate to begin with, i.e. if I'm jealous that I wasn't the one to sleep with her then I should definitely stop whining and buck up. However, cheating is highly unattractive, and I'm struggling to even maintain a conversation with my friend at this point.
Ultimately, I'm going to just have to talk about all of this with her. I'm only friends with her BF via her, so telling him directly feels right out the window. I guess I'm looking for either validation or criticism towards my emotions around this whole thing. How am I supposed to react?
Apologies for the length:
I found out that my best friend of ~2yrs cheated on her long-term BF. We were all pretty drunk when she told us, so this all comes with a grain of salt, but 1) I know that she's cheated on her BF in the past, before I knew her, but I guess he suspected and they ultimately reconciled. 2) She's known/flirted with the other guy off and on for a while, he had a GF, I don't know if he still does (him and I are just acquaintances), 3) they were both sober at the time, and 4) she expressed regret that he still hasn't called her back.
I'm struggling to understand how someone could make such a conscious decision. That last bullet point, especially, came across to me as extremely flippant. I don't know how orchestrated the circumstances were. It sounded like more accident than premeditation. We talked about it later that night - I guess I tried to offer my (inebriated) advice which came down to "if you're in love with someone else you should just break up with your BF, you shouldn't toy with people like that, life's too short, if someone did that to me I wouldn't be able to forgive them, etc". She was distraught towards the entire thing. The conversation literally ended with "this conversation is over".
So I've been distant(?) since then, at least when we hang out I've been less than my usual cheerful self. I can't be the one to broach the subject at this point. They're her choices to make; she doesn't need my advice. And I don't really want to preach anyways, not more than I already have. I may have crossed a line that night. I certainly don't want to be the person that someone wouldn't feel comfortable turning to. But I still feel angry, and I feel like she's made a series of bad decisions.
She's noticed my attitude these last few days but we hadn't approached the subject head-on until last night (we were all drinking again) when she asked me if I was upset with her. I tried to beat around the bush, change the subject, whatever, but she kept pressing, asking me to just tell her if I was. So, I did, "yes, I'm upset with you". She seemed to agree - she said that she feels upset with herself. I said that "it's not my place to say-" when one of her friends walked in, someone who didn't know, so that conversation ended pretty quickly.
I'm not going to lie, I (think I?) have/had feelings towards her, but we're friends first and foremost, and I wouldn't ever get between someone else's relationship. I don't think she'd reciprocate anyways (well, especially not considering the circumstances). Since I have to compartmentalize my feelings I'm not sure if they're even appropriate to begin with, i.e. if I'm jealous that I wasn't the one to sleep with her then I should definitely stop whining and buck up. However, cheating is highly unattractive, and I'm struggling to even maintain a conversation with my friend at this point.
Ultimately, I'm going to just have to talk about all of this with her. I'm only friends with her BF via her, so telling him directly feels right out the window. I guess I'm looking for either validation or criticism towards my emotions around this whole thing. How am I supposed to react?
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