Divorced boyfriend broke up with me to work on his issues
May 10, 2015 8:30 AM Subscribe
As the title says, we got involved too soon after he was separated and I got too invested. We went into things head-first and after a few months he slowly started to pull away, while letting me know why– that he needed time to work out his feelings following the divorce. At first he thought we could do it while giving him plenty of space and still seeing each other and staying in touch by phone daily.
Relationship details from 2 months ago here.
He said there was a chance he will need to go be on his own for a while if he wanted to move on completely and be in another committed relationship heading towards marriage (with me or anyone else). After a few more weeks it became clear that it was inevitable so we both agreed "why wait?" and now after 10 months we are broken up.
Quick background: I am 24 and very inexperienced with relationships and growing (I had my first relationship when I was 22 that lasted 6 months, and dated seriously 1 other for 2 months before meeting my current bf/ex-bf). He just turned 30 and was in his marriage for 2 years. They were together for 5 years before marriage.
We talked a lot in the past 3 days after getting back from vacation and we both know this is what needs to be done. He said he'd become more critical of our relationship and failed to appreciate me as much as he should for all that I contributed and cared for and I could feel that myself.
Even still, he was always very affectionate, understanding, patient, and caring for me. He would check in with me frequently and wanted to know how I was doing on the days we did our own thing, pushed me to apply to new jobs because he saw that my current one was leaving me dissatisfied with myself, and always told me what was on his mind and communicated his inner struggles. We were often very physically affectionate and discovered our passion for adventures and exploring together, and realized we are in our best elements and leave all our stress behind when we are traveling.
Leading up to our separation, he said he is terrified of being alone and is afraid that he will jump into another marriage or serious relationship out of this fear, leading to another divorce, so he wants to face it and learn from it and know he will be ok even if he is alone. He knows he wants to marry and have a family, though, but just doesn't want to go through with it for the wrong reasons.
He jumped into a new relationship way too soon and we both knew that but didn't know how to stop the train, or just didn't want to. I feel like there is potential for our relationship to grow if the timing had been different, and since the breakup is fresh (only 2 days ago) I still feel a very naive hope that we will work on ourselves and be able to pick up where we left off some day. I know it's possible since I've read stories and know someone who it has happened to, but I also know it may be improbable. I am grateful for this chance to grow because I had a lot of insecurities around abandonment and loneliness that I can now tackle and develop new strengths. I know one day I may be looking to date other people, and maybe he will too, but I can't bear to think about that right now, and would prefer to stay single (and hope he does too) for a while.
I'd already taken the time to start working on myself since these insecurities started, began seeing a counselor like he has been, and have been doing lots of reading and meditating for the first time. Now that we are on our own again I have plenty of time to actually put into practice what I know I need to do to heal and grow, but it's so painfully hard, especially because two days before we broke up when we were on vacation and exploring together was one of my happiest and closest I had ever felt to him, and I could tell he was happy too. It's odd that going through this struggle with him has made me feel even closer to him and understanding him, and he's said he felt the same about getting to know me even more.
Maybe things will work out shortly with time and going no-contact for a while. However the day after we broke up and we saw each other to talk one last time and exchange our things from each others places, we were both feeling miserable but for some reason it seemed as if he had taken it even harder (maybe I'm in denial about myself and it will all start crumbling away soon...). He was in a constant state of depression and anxiety while I would flip-flop between feeling that and wanting to crawl back in his arms and feeling that it was the right thing to do in the end. He contacted me by text later in the evening to say how he admired how I was able to read so much self-help material/forums online and learn from it.
He obviously wasn't doing so well as he called me shortly after saying he was sorry for being weak and doing this to me but he wanted to talk a bit about what we were going through. He expressed doubt and fears, but I reassured him that this was the right thing to do for both of us since he has been talking about it for so long. He told me that I had a strong head on my shoulders. He said he hates that he has to go through this and do this to me and mentioned it either not feeling this bad or that he didn't remember it feeling this bad when we was separated from his ex. He said he's starting realize how critical he was of things and is now starting to realize how I may have felt in the past and how he has hurt me.
As much as I want it I couldn't go back to him knowing he hadn't done what he needs to do. I think I haven't felt the true grief yet because I think I am clinging on to hope that this is going to work out in the end, and right now he is saying that wants it to as well. I feel it in my gut, but I think I'm just lying to myself to feel better. Regardless, I will work on myself in this time and hopefully try to get over him. I will try to forget this hope too because it will only lead to disappointment and reopen old wounds, I'm sure. I just don't know how yet.
I'm mainly posting this here to see if anyone has similar experiences or know those who have? Regardless of how it turned out, it always helps me so much to know I'm not alone in this.
Relationship details from 2 months ago here.
He said there was a chance he will need to go be on his own for a while if he wanted to move on completely and be in another committed relationship heading towards marriage (with me or anyone else). After a few more weeks it became clear that it was inevitable so we both agreed "why wait?" and now after 10 months we are broken up.
Quick background: I am 24 and very inexperienced with relationships and growing (I had my first relationship when I was 22 that lasted 6 months, and dated seriously 1 other for 2 months before meeting my current bf/ex-bf). He just turned 30 and was in his marriage for 2 years. They were together for 5 years before marriage.
We talked a lot in the past 3 days after getting back from vacation and we both know this is what needs to be done. He said he'd become more critical of our relationship and failed to appreciate me as much as he should for all that I contributed and cared for and I could feel that myself.
Even still, he was always very affectionate, understanding, patient, and caring for me. He would check in with me frequently and wanted to know how I was doing on the days we did our own thing, pushed me to apply to new jobs because he saw that my current one was leaving me dissatisfied with myself, and always told me what was on his mind and communicated his inner struggles. We were often very physically affectionate and discovered our passion for adventures and exploring together, and realized we are in our best elements and leave all our stress behind when we are traveling.
Leading up to our separation, he said he is terrified of being alone and is afraid that he will jump into another marriage or serious relationship out of this fear, leading to another divorce, so he wants to face it and learn from it and know he will be ok even if he is alone. He knows he wants to marry and have a family, though, but just doesn't want to go through with it for the wrong reasons.
He jumped into a new relationship way too soon and we both knew that but didn't know how to stop the train, or just didn't want to. I feel like there is potential for our relationship to grow if the timing had been different, and since the breakup is fresh (only 2 days ago) I still feel a very naive hope that we will work on ourselves and be able to pick up where we left off some day. I know it's possible since I've read stories and know someone who it has happened to, but I also know it may be improbable. I am grateful for this chance to grow because I had a lot of insecurities around abandonment and loneliness that I can now tackle and develop new strengths. I know one day I may be looking to date other people, and maybe he will too, but I can't bear to think about that right now, and would prefer to stay single (and hope he does too) for a while.
I'd already taken the time to start working on myself since these insecurities started, began seeing a counselor like he has been, and have been doing lots of reading and meditating for the first time. Now that we are on our own again I have plenty of time to actually put into practice what I know I need to do to heal and grow, but it's so painfully hard, especially because two days before we broke up when we were on vacation and exploring together was one of my happiest and closest I had ever felt to him, and I could tell he was happy too. It's odd that going through this struggle with him has made me feel even closer to him and understanding him, and he's said he felt the same about getting to know me even more.
Maybe things will work out shortly with time and going no-contact for a while. However the day after we broke up and we saw each other to talk one last time and exchange our things from each others places, we were both feeling miserable but for some reason it seemed as if he had taken it even harder (maybe I'm in denial about myself and it will all start crumbling away soon...). He was in a constant state of depression and anxiety while I would flip-flop between feeling that and wanting to crawl back in his arms and feeling that it was the right thing to do in the end. He contacted me by text later in the evening to say how he admired how I was able to read so much self-help material/forums online and learn from it.
He obviously wasn't doing so well as he called me shortly after saying he was sorry for being weak and doing this to me but he wanted to talk a bit about what we were going through. He expressed doubt and fears, but I reassured him that this was the right thing to do for both of us since he has been talking about it for so long. He told me that I had a strong head on my shoulders. He said he hates that he has to go through this and do this to me and mentioned it either not feeling this bad or that he didn't remember it feeling this bad when we was separated from his ex. He said he's starting realize how critical he was of things and is now starting to realize how I may have felt in the past and how he has hurt me.
As much as I want it I couldn't go back to him knowing he hadn't done what he needs to do. I think I haven't felt the true grief yet because I think I am clinging on to hope that this is going to work out in the end, and right now he is saying that wants it to as well. I feel it in my gut, but I think I'm just lying to myself to feel better. Regardless, I will work on myself in this time and hopefully try to get over him. I will try to forget this hope too because it will only lead to disappointment and reopen old wounds, I'm sure. I just don't know how yet.
I'm mainly posting this here to see if anyone has similar experiences or know those who have? Regardless of how it turned out, it always helps me so much to know I'm not alone in this.
This post was deleted for the following reason: Hey there, questions on AskMe need to be concrete questions, not requests for anecdotes, sorry! -- restless_nomad
You're not alone, and I am a cautionary tale of what can happen if you don't stick to the no-contact. About 8 years ago I was head-over-heels in love with a guy who fell for me fast and hard too - but then he broke up with me and then did the same kind of half-assed contact/no contact thing happening with you.
And at some point I did the math and realized - he was a serial monogamist. He'd been divorced ten years before, but in the ensuing ten years, he was rarely single; he and I got together only about a month after his previous live-in girlfriend, whom he'd gotten with only a couple months after breaking up with another girlfirend, whom he'd gotten with only a couple months after divorcing someone he'd been married to for ten years. I'd also noticed he really wasn't over the divorce, simply because he never gave himself a chance to get over. He's now married to someone he met 2 months after breaking up with me, but I'm pretty sure the only reason it works is because she's a stewardess and is gone a lot.
And the breakup of that relationship messed me up, and we're now both so reluctant to contact each other that the only thing that made me reach out to him recently was the fact that he lives in Baltimore, and it was still REALLY hard to write 'I hope you're okay" and to read his simple "thanks" back. Trying to stay in contact with him, even though it was hopeless, just ended up hurting me way bad.
He may reach out to you during a depressive state, but at some point he has to be alone for a while to heal - and he may not be the same person after he does heal, so there's no guarantee you would have the same relationship anyway. If you meet him after he's healed and you still have a connection, fine - but not now.
Do yourself, and him, a favor and go no contact and stick to it.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:46 AM on May 10, 2015
And at some point I did the math and realized - he was a serial monogamist. He'd been divorced ten years before, but in the ensuing ten years, he was rarely single; he and I got together only about a month after his previous live-in girlfriend, whom he'd gotten with only a couple months after breaking up with another girlfirend, whom he'd gotten with only a couple months after divorcing someone he'd been married to for ten years. I'd also noticed he really wasn't over the divorce, simply because he never gave himself a chance to get over. He's now married to someone he met 2 months after breaking up with me, but I'm pretty sure the only reason it works is because she's a stewardess and is gone a lot.
And the breakup of that relationship messed me up, and we're now both so reluctant to contact each other that the only thing that made me reach out to him recently was the fact that he lives in Baltimore, and it was still REALLY hard to write 'I hope you're okay" and to read his simple "thanks" back. Trying to stay in contact with him, even though it was hopeless, just ended up hurting me way bad.
He may reach out to you during a depressive state, but at some point he has to be alone for a while to heal - and he may not be the same person after he does heal, so there's no guarantee you would have the same relationship anyway. If you meet him after he's healed and you still have a connection, fine - but not now.
Do yourself, and him, a favor and go no contact and stick to it.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:46 AM on May 10, 2015
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In your last question, you were advised to stop dating this guy because exactly this would happen.
Go no contact. Block his number and on all social media. You are NOT going to get back together. Don't drag this out.
posted by kinetic at 8:42 AM on May 10, 2015 [1 favorite]