What do I do with someone else’s memories?
May 4, 2015 12:02 PM Subscribe
I have in my possession my dead stepmother’s baby photos, photos of her beloved mother, her lovingly constructed scrapbook of awards, school reports, diplomas, etc. She has no one left behind to whom I can give these items, not a single family member, not a single friend.
While her items have no intrinsic sentimental value for me, I also feel really weird about just throwing them away.
What do I do?
My verbally and physically cruel and estranged stepmother died several years ago. Stepmom left behind no living children, no parents, no siblings, no friends, no community groups.
My father, her estranged husband at the time of her death, inherited all of her personal papers and held onto them. He died last year, leaving only me.
I have been going through my father’s things to donate, discard and keep the lifetime of items he left behind. This means I now have in my possession my stepmother’s baby photos, photos of her beloved mother, her lovingly constructed scrapbook of awards, school reports, diplomas, etc. and the weird novel she was writing when she died. None of the items are important enough to donate to a school or anything.
I had not spoken to my stepmother during the last three years of her life after witnessing her being violent to my father while he was in hospital recovering from surgery. Still, I attended her funeral and mourned her in my own way, as she was also loving and funny. Basically, she was a complex human, as are we all, and I felt I was honoring the good sides of her as well and bearing witness for the people who deeply loved her as a child, before life made her so twisted. So, her items have no intrinsic sentimental value for me, but I also feel really weird about throwing them away, because they are all that is left of her.
She leaves no one behind with memories of her (the good ones, I mean) except me. No one who even really remembers that she lived. I know her scrapbook, an unfinished novel manuscript and a box of candid photos from college hardly encapsulate the person she was, but tossing them feels like erasing her.
[I also have her ashes, and what to do with them is an Ask for another day.]
What would you do with her things, if you were me? And if you’ve been faced with something similar, what did you do?
My verbally and physically cruel and estranged stepmother died several years ago. Stepmom left behind no living children, no parents, no siblings, no friends, no community groups.
My father, her estranged husband at the time of her death, inherited all of her personal papers and held onto them. He died last year, leaving only me.
I have been going through my father’s things to donate, discard and keep the lifetime of items he left behind. This means I now have in my possession my stepmother’s baby photos, photos of her beloved mother, her lovingly constructed scrapbook of awards, school reports, diplomas, etc. and the weird novel she was writing when she died. None of the items are important enough to donate to a school or anything.
I had not spoken to my stepmother during the last three years of her life after witnessing her being violent to my father while he was in hospital recovering from surgery. Still, I attended her funeral and mourned her in my own way, as she was also loving and funny. Basically, she was a complex human, as are we all, and I felt I was honoring the good sides of her as well and bearing witness for the people who deeply loved her as a child, before life made her so twisted. So, her items have no intrinsic sentimental value for me, but I also feel really weird about throwing them away, because they are all that is left of her.
She leaves no one behind with memories of her (the good ones, I mean) except me. No one who even really remembers that she lived. I know her scrapbook, an unfinished novel manuscript and a box of candid photos from college hardly encapsulate the person she was, but tossing them feels like erasing her.
[I also have her ashes, and what to do with them is an Ask for another day.]
What would you do with her things, if you were me? And if you’ve been faced with something similar, what did you do?
Why NOT pass them down as a part of your legacy as well? Somebody needs to remember her.
posted by kschang at 12:10 PM on May 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by kschang at 12:10 PM on May 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
Hmm. That really is a dilemma. I don't think I'd be able to just throw them away, either.
My first thought is that she must have some relative, somewhere. Lots of people these days are interested in preserving family history--if I were contacted about a similar collection of memorabilia from the life of my second cousin, twice removed, I'd be interested in receiving it and archiving it as part of my extended family history. I think I'd try to track down whoever the nearest relatives are and offer it to them.
If there is truly no one, I think I'd have a brief memorial and burn them, so that you've honored her with a ceremony. You could mix the ashes with the ashes of her body and bury them at the same time.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 12:12 PM on May 4, 2015 [7 favorites]
My first thought is that she must have some relative, somewhere. Lots of people these days are interested in preserving family history--if I were contacted about a similar collection of memorabilia from the life of my second cousin, twice removed, I'd be interested in receiving it and archiving it as part of my extended family history. I think I'd try to track down whoever the nearest relatives are and offer it to them.
If there is truly no one, I think I'd have a brief memorial and burn them, so that you've honored her with a ceremony. You could mix the ashes with the ashes of her body and bury them at the same time.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 12:12 PM on May 4, 2015 [7 favorites]
Best answer: I would do something as a memorial to her in her name. Did she love animals? Donate to a no-kill rescue. Did she love plants? Donate to a garden sanctuary. Did she love writing? Donate to a local library. Then take all her stuff and narrow it down to one small box and keep that - just in case someone does care or come out of the woodwork.
posted by HeyAllie at 12:13 PM on May 4, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by HeyAllie at 12:13 PM on May 4, 2015 [5 favorites]
I've been managing my father-in-law's estate, with plenty of memories and other things that were clearly meaningful to him, but not necessarily to anyone else. Unlike your situation, there's still family, and basically anyone can have anything that they find sentimental. The remainder, that's difficult. It does feel strange to toss stuff, and I've rarely been accused of being overly sentimental. I've set aside certain representative items of memorabilia for the grandkids.
A lot of questionable stuff here is being containerized and stored in a storage locker for re-evaluation at a later date, once things have settled and people are a little less emotional about my father-in-law's passing. I expect that a large amount of it will be eventually discarded. We can hold on to the storage container essentially indefinitely, so that's a safe way to avoid the unpleasantness of discarding such things outright right now. Having some discipline to actually go through this in the future is, of course, the downside to this possible strategy.
posted by jgreco at 12:14 PM on May 4, 2015
A lot of questionable stuff here is being containerized and stored in a storage locker for re-evaluation at a later date, once things have settled and people are a little less emotional about my father-in-law's passing. I expect that a large amount of it will be eventually discarded. We can hold on to the storage container essentially indefinitely, so that's a safe way to avoid the unpleasantness of discarding such things outright right now. Having some discipline to actually go through this in the future is, of course, the downside to this possible strategy.
posted by jgreco at 12:14 PM on May 4, 2015
Wow. I don't know. Honestly, I'd probably keep them around in a box somewhere, until I moved enough times to feel less sentimental. Which makes no sense, because it's not like I'd get anything out of just holding onto that box. But I'm irrational about that kind of thing. The memorial sounds like a good idea, so does reaching out to even distant relatives (geneology.com?).
If you do want to get rid of her things, I've seen people's personal photos in second-hand shops. Art students sometimes get into them. Maybe they'll have a second life that way.
posted by cotton dress sock at 12:15 PM on May 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
If you do want to get rid of her things, I've seen people's personal photos in second-hand shops. Art students sometimes get into them. Maybe they'll have a second life that way.
posted by cotton dress sock at 12:15 PM on May 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'd look for far removed relatives first and if noting found start to get of them as respectfully as I could, without letter her memories get in the way of your building yours.
There are second hand shops near my house that sell old photos, esp of a certain vintage.
If you felt that it was going to be disrespectful, recycling them in that way may keep they alive for someone.
Maybe put her novel out there under a creative commons attribution license on tumbler or something, maybe it will find a audience.
Otherwise I'd ether throw away / freecycle everything or put it in a box with a clear label and destroy in a year or two if you run out of space.
posted by bottlebrushtree at 12:17 PM on May 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
There are second hand shops near my house that sell old photos, esp of a certain vintage.
If you felt that it was going to be disrespectful, recycling them in that way may keep they alive for someone.
Maybe put her novel out there under a creative commons attribution license on tumbler or something, maybe it will find a audience.
Otherwise I'd ether throw away / freecycle everything or put it in a box with a clear label and destroy in a year or two if you run out of space.
posted by bottlebrushtree at 12:17 PM on May 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I would get in contact with your local historical society if there's one in your area, and ask them if they'd be interested in the photos and documents. They could be useful to someone someday as a part of the archive.
posted by colfax at 12:17 PM on May 4, 2015 [21 favorites]
posted by colfax at 12:17 PM on May 4, 2015 [21 favorites]
This is tough, and I'm the worst at getting rid of mementos. With that being said, here's what I would probably do in this situation:
You can take pictures of the awards, scrapbooks, etc and/or scan in all the pictures so that you have some sort of digital memorial/record of all this stuff. After doing that, I would pack everything up into a box, label it accordingly, and then set it aside for the time being. Give it a couple months, and you might find you feel more comfortable just trashing all of it, or maybe you'll think of someone else to give them to. If you do decide to get rid of them, at least you will already have done your digital archiving, so you can feel like there is still some record of this stuff, and you don't have to go digging through it before getting rid of it.
Alternatively, if it's the actual act of disposing this stuff that's problematic, can you ask a friend to burn it/trash it/etc for you?
posted by litera scripta manet at 12:21 PM on May 4, 2015 [9 favorites]
You can take pictures of the awards, scrapbooks, etc and/or scan in all the pictures so that you have some sort of digital memorial/record of all this stuff. After doing that, I would pack everything up into a box, label it accordingly, and then set it aside for the time being. Give it a couple months, and you might find you feel more comfortable just trashing all of it, or maybe you'll think of someone else to give them to. If you do decide to get rid of them, at least you will already have done your digital archiving, so you can feel like there is still some record of this stuff, and you don't have to go digging through it before getting rid of it.
Alternatively, if it's the actual act of disposing this stuff that's problematic, can you ask a friend to burn it/trash it/etc for you?
posted by litera scripta manet at 12:21 PM on May 4, 2015 [9 favorites]
I commend you for looking at your stepmom as a whole person. It's hard to do in the wake of a lifetime of abuse but it sounds like you have a lot of compassion towards her situation and I really admire that. If it were me, I'd probably look into burying the effects with her even though it's been a while since she died. If she was cremated, I might consider doing the same with her belongings as was done with her ashes. I don't think you need to hold on to any of her mementos unless you feel duty bound to do so.
posted by Hermione Granger at 12:23 PM on May 4, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by Hermione Granger at 12:23 PM on May 4, 2015 [8 favorites]
I would look into schools or ephemera dealers who specialize in the time period in which her heyday fell. A carefully curated scrapbook could be very valuable to someone wanting a portrait of an average life in her era.
posted by janey47 at 12:24 PM on May 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by janey47 at 12:24 PM on May 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
Any chance there's a distant family member who's interested in genealogy? I have a few very distant relatives who take collecting the family history very seriously. A distinct last name or family history probably helps here.
posted by SometimesChartreuse at 12:29 PM on May 4, 2015
posted by SometimesChartreuse at 12:29 PM on May 4, 2015
In my experience, the hard part of getting rid of things is the moment of doing it. In your shoes, I would not be interested in putting in any extra effort to find distant relatives or collectors. I'd take a deep breath, put it all in a trash bag, and put it in the trash. I am 99.9% sure that if you do this, you will never regret it or think about these things again, because that is about the percentage of things I've gotten rid of that I have never regretted or thought of again. It's simply true that, at some point, the chain of people who will be interested in each of our lives comes to an end. That chain happens to be ending with you this time. Think of it as a quick moment of pain, like an inoculation or ripping a band-aid off. Do it, get it over with, breathe a sigh of relief.
posted by not that girl at 12:29 PM on May 4, 2015 [33 favorites]
posted by not that girl at 12:29 PM on May 4, 2015 [33 favorites]
Keep a few representative photos that interest you and bin or burn the rest.
posted by bonobothegreat at 12:31 PM on May 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by bonobothegreat at 12:31 PM on May 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
Keep a photo. Frame it if you want. The rest goes in a trash bag, down the trash chute. She will be remembered by you, but you don't need her stuff to remember her.
posted by kimberussell at 12:34 PM on May 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by kimberussell at 12:34 PM on May 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
Sell them or donate them to a local art supply. Here in the old Ann Arbor we have a store called Found that specializes in selling ephemera for art, etc. I myself buy up old papers and photos of various kinds to include in mixed media pieces.
The more random, the more interesting. I've used old recipe cards, newspaper clippings, postcards, photographs, letters, to-do lists, certificates...tons of things.
posted by custardfairy at 12:39 PM on May 4, 2015 [5 favorites]
The more random, the more interesting. I've used old recipe cards, newspaper clippings, postcards, photographs, letters, to-do lists, certificates...tons of things.
posted by custardfairy at 12:39 PM on May 4, 2015 [5 favorites]
I like the second hand shop suggestion, or just straight giving it to an art school collage class or something along that line.
posted by WeekendJen at 12:40 PM on May 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by WeekendJen at 12:40 PM on May 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
I met someone who was in a similar situation; she had a collection of family photos that weren't really meaningful to her and had no other family to give them to. She didn't want to have to be responsible for them for the rest of her life, but didn't want to just throw them away. I met her at a fair where she was selling jewelry and vintage items, and she had been selling the family photos along with her other things as "instant family albums." Which I guess is pretty much along the lines of the second-hand store suggestion.
Re: digitizing, that's also a good suggestion although it still leaves you with custody of a bunch of digital stuff, unless you could perhaps put them on archive.org and call it a day. When I had to clear a bunch of my childhood crap out of my parents' house before their last move, I found that photographing stuff before pitching it into the dumpster made it a lot easier. I haven't looked at any of those photos since and I don't think I'd be heartbroken if they were lost, but it did ease my conscience at the time.
posted by usonian at 1:16 PM on May 4, 2015
Re: digitizing, that's also a good suggestion although it still leaves you with custody of a bunch of digital stuff, unless you could perhaps put them on archive.org and call it a day. When I had to clear a bunch of my childhood crap out of my parents' house before their last move, I found that photographing stuff before pitching it into the dumpster made it a lot easier. I haven't looked at any of those photos since and I don't think I'd be heartbroken if they were lost, but it did ease my conscience at the time.
posted by usonian at 1:16 PM on May 4, 2015
Find other relatives (did she have cousins? grandchildren? anyone?) and give them a chance to take everything you aren't keeping (they take everything or nothing, sight unseen, without spending all night at your place picking through shit). Make it their problem.
If you can't find a relative, there are people who would like to have that stuff for art reasons, local history reasons, etc.
posted by pracowity at 1:16 PM on May 4, 2015
If you can't find a relative, there are people who would like to have that stuff for art reasons, local history reasons, etc.
posted by pracowity at 1:16 PM on May 4, 2015
Best answer: I would do something as a memorial to her in her name. Did she love animals? Donate to a no-kill rescue. Did she love plants? Donate to a garden sanctuary. Did she love writing? Donate to a local library.
This.
You know how they say even a broken clock is right twice a day? This will be the time the broken clock is right.
Every time you get a reminder of how you donated -- say, every time you drive past our imaginary library -- you'll think of how you made One Good Thing happen after all of this heartache. You'll remember that for the rest of your life.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 1:18 PM on May 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
This.
You know how they say even a broken clock is right twice a day? This will be the time the broken clock is right.
Every time you get a reminder of how you donated -- say, every time you drive past our imaginary library -- you'll think of how you made One Good Thing happen after all of this heartache. You'll remember that for the rest of your life.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 1:18 PM on May 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
Thirding secondhand shop or ebay.
My mother was very into collecting old photos, yearbooks, postcards and historical ephemera from the towns she grew up in. When I say "very into" I mean thousands of dollars spent on ebay buying other people's memories.
(Of course this means that trying to figure out what's familial history or heirloom is near impossible now that she's deceased. Thanks, mom!)
These items can have a second life. Good on you for trying to find it.
posted by ApathyGirl at 1:19 PM on May 4, 2015 [5 favorites]
My mother was very into collecting old photos, yearbooks, postcards and historical ephemera from the towns she grew up in. When I say "very into" I mean thousands of dollars spent on ebay buying other people's memories.
(Of course this means that trying to figure out what's familial history or heirloom is near impossible now that she's deceased. Thanks, mom!)
These items can have a second life. Good on you for trying to find it.
posted by ApathyGirl at 1:19 PM on May 4, 2015 [5 favorites]
I would keep them if they don't take up too much space just on the off chance that one day someone should show up asking: a child she gave up, a lover she once knew, a brother she didn't know she had, a high school girlfriend who was trying to reconnect.
posted by Mo Nickels at 1:23 PM on May 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Mo Nickels at 1:23 PM on May 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
I also thought of archiving the photos and scrapbooks or donating them for some sort of art project, etc.
Then I would scatter her ashes somewhere meaningful and do some sort of ritual.
I love the idea of putting the novel out under a creative commons license!
posted by jbenben at 1:26 PM on May 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
Then I would scatter her ashes somewhere meaningful and do some sort of ritual.
I love the idea of putting the novel out under a creative commons license!
posted by jbenben at 1:26 PM on May 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
I have a really hard time parting with photos, so even in this type of situation I would find it difficult to just trash her photos. I would make a cursory attempt to find her extended relatives, but then if I went onto (say) Ancestry.com and couldn't find anyone related to her, I would probably digitize them create a blog with her name on a free blog site, and upload everything there. It could be an interesting art project for you, wouldn't take a TON of time if you could get some time on a sheet-fed scanner, and would ease your mind. Then I'd do the eBay/secondhand shop thing. Maybe keep a picture or two to go along with whatever you're keeping of your father's.
posted by clone boulevard at 1:52 PM on May 4, 2015
posted by clone boulevard at 1:52 PM on May 4, 2015
Did she attend a college or university? The college where I work has an "alumni history collection" which is basically donated material like you have - bankers boxes of letters and memories of alumni (famous and very much not famous) relating to all different parts of their lives. If you contact the alumni office at her school, they may very well leap at the chance to have these things.
posted by anastasiav at 1:57 PM on May 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by anastasiav at 1:57 PM on May 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
If you do save them (in a sealed box or digitally), I strongly suggest you label them to the extent you are able. If someone else contacts you about them (whether through a genealogical site or if some long-lost relative turns up) they will need to know who's who or at least approximately when the photo was taken. My husband's family lost a lot of family history because so many of the photos from his grandmother's collection were unlabeled. Even if they end up going to a second-hand store, the context of the photos may increase interest for a vintage photo collector (say if they want vintage photos of college students at their university or baby photos from a certain decade).
posted by Pearl928 at 2:00 PM on May 4, 2015
posted by Pearl928 at 2:00 PM on May 4, 2015
Are you really so short on space that you can't just box them up and keep them?
posted by Violet Hour at 2:23 PM on May 4, 2015
posted by Violet Hour at 2:23 PM on May 4, 2015
What would you do if you had forty generations worth of crap? Do you really care about your great-great-great grandmother's cousin's baby photos?
Throw the crap away. Your kids don't want it (if you even have any). People telling you to keep the stuff are hoarders and my family are hoarders. Don't be like them.
posted by flimflam at 2:27 PM on May 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
Throw the crap away. Your kids don't want it (if you even have any). People telling you to keep the stuff are hoarders and my family are hoarders. Don't be like them.
posted by flimflam at 2:27 PM on May 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
You could laminate everything and put it in a watertight time capsule box and bury it where it wouldn't be found. That way you wouldn't have to schlep them around, but you wouldn't be throwing them away either -- there'd be some chance someone will find it someday, and maybe find something interesting in a glimpse of a past life.
posted by xris at 2:43 PM on May 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by xris at 2:43 PM on May 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
In The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, Marie Kondo encourages us to say thank you to items which have fulfilled their purpose. This makes it easier to let them go.
Thank you, scrapbook, for being an expression of love. Thank you, novel, for being an outlet of creativity and weirdness. Thank you, photos, for helping my stepmother remember this day. You did your job well. Rest now.
And goodbye. They are done, like she is done. You can let them go.
posted by heatherann at 2:52 PM on May 4, 2015 [18 favorites]
Thank you, scrapbook, for being an expression of love. Thank you, novel, for being an outlet of creativity and weirdness. Thank you, photos, for helping my stepmother remember this day. You did your job well. Rest now.
And goodbye. They are done, like she is done. You can let them go.
posted by heatherann at 2:52 PM on May 4, 2015 [18 favorites]
Historical Society of the place she lived the longest?
posted by SemiSalt at 2:52 PM on May 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by SemiSalt at 2:52 PM on May 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
Are you in a position where you absolutely need to get rid of them, right now?
While I can, to some extent, understand the urge to get rid of things, if what we're talking about is a couple of photo albums and a manuscript box—let's say less than a file box worth of stuff, in total—it doesn't really seem like that much of an albatross around your neck. It doesn't seem like you want to have some sort of cathartic Viking funeral, so I'm not sure I'd do anything drastic.
Presumably you have other family photo albums somewhere? I'd put it with them. Few inches of shelf space and you've done your part. (And if you don't have a bunch now, it's likely that someday you probably will, so might as well set aside a few inches on the bookshelf to receive them if you haven't already.)
Or if you're not comfortable mixing her stuff in with the rest of the family archive on account of her behavior (legitimate, under the circumstances), I don't see anything wrong with putting it all in a bankers' box and putting it in a closet or an attic for a while.
If the unfinished novel isn't interesting as an artifact—if it's not a true handwritten manuscript, or on some sort of interesting paper, or smell of something that triggers a sense memory—I'd probably run it through a scanner and then toss the paper copy. I wouldn't do that to photos, but as something of a writer myself I think it's a little more acceptable to do that to a typescript, because the substance of the typescript is in the arrangement of letters on the page rather than in the paper copy. The intent, however unexecuted, was presumably to copy and reprint it, so you are preserving the most important part if you scan it. Current technology, however good, doesn't really do photo albums justice though, so those I would save if possible as originals.
Hanging on to a few photo albums that represent the entire legacy of an otherwise-forgotten person doesn't exactly ring my "omg you must throw this away or you are a horrible hoarder" bells; I would mull it over a while before doing anything irreversible.
There is a lot of emphasis placed right now on eliminating things because they don't "give you joy", but I can personally attest to the fact that it is possible to create regret for yourself down the road by destroying things that you later wish you'd kept. This seems to fall into the category of things where even if you never really look at them as objects, the regret of throwing them away may make keeping a single file box worth of stuff around, in a closet somewhere, worth the small cost of those cubic feet.
posted by Kadin2048 at 5:15 PM on May 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
While I can, to some extent, understand the urge to get rid of things, if what we're talking about is a couple of photo albums and a manuscript box—let's say less than a file box worth of stuff, in total—it doesn't really seem like that much of an albatross around your neck. It doesn't seem like you want to have some sort of cathartic Viking funeral, so I'm not sure I'd do anything drastic.
Presumably you have other family photo albums somewhere? I'd put it with them. Few inches of shelf space and you've done your part. (And if you don't have a bunch now, it's likely that someday you probably will, so might as well set aside a few inches on the bookshelf to receive them if you haven't already.)
Or if you're not comfortable mixing her stuff in with the rest of the family archive on account of her behavior (legitimate, under the circumstances), I don't see anything wrong with putting it all in a bankers' box and putting it in a closet or an attic for a while.
If the unfinished novel isn't interesting as an artifact—if it's not a true handwritten manuscript, or on some sort of interesting paper, or smell of something that triggers a sense memory—I'd probably run it through a scanner and then toss the paper copy. I wouldn't do that to photos, but as something of a writer myself I think it's a little more acceptable to do that to a typescript, because the substance of the typescript is in the arrangement of letters on the page rather than in the paper copy. The intent, however unexecuted, was presumably to copy and reprint it, so you are preserving the most important part if you scan it. Current technology, however good, doesn't really do photo albums justice though, so those I would save if possible as originals.
Hanging on to a few photo albums that represent the entire legacy of an otherwise-forgotten person doesn't exactly ring my "omg you must throw this away or you are a horrible hoarder" bells; I would mull it over a while before doing anything irreversible.
There is a lot of emphasis placed right now on eliminating things because they don't "give you joy", but I can personally attest to the fact that it is possible to create regret for yourself down the road by destroying things that you later wish you'd kept. This seems to fall into the category of things where even if you never really look at them as objects, the regret of throwing them away may make keeping a single file box worth of stuff around, in a closet somewhere, worth the small cost of those cubic feet.
posted by Kadin2048 at 5:15 PM on May 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
You have mixed-at-best memories of this woman. You said she died several years ago and even though you weren't even in contact with her for years before she died, her possessions have trickled down to you.
If something were to--and eventually, something will--happen to you, whoever receives your possessions will have no idea who she was, and will do (without a second thought!) what you should at this point fully be able to do without a guilty conscience: purge it.
posted by psoas at 5:39 PM on May 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
If something were to--and eventually, something will--happen to you, whoever receives your possessions will have no idea who she was, and will do (without a second thought!) what you should at this point fully be able to do without a guilty conscience: purge it.
posted by psoas at 5:39 PM on May 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's really ok to dispose of things. We attach so much meaning to things, and we don't have to. When I die someone will probably find my old school reports, mainly because they're still in one of those boxes that has come along with me to every house I've lived in and I can't be bothered to go through those boxes. I sure hope nobody stresses over them though. I'll be dead, they won't matter. They already don't.
my stepmother’s baby photos, photos of her beloved mother, her lovingly constructed scrapbook of awards, school reports, diplomas, etc. and the weird novel she was writing when she died.
I would ask at a local antique mall about who might be interested in the pictures, and I'd hate to see a partially written novel disappear, but beyond a cursory search for an interested writer, you have no obligation to hold on to these things.
They're things. Memories and our effect on others - those are the legacies that matter for the vast teeming billions of us. We're just cluttering up the place if we all insist on leaving a permanent record of physical flotsam and jetsam too.
posted by headnsouth at 6:02 PM on May 4, 2015
my stepmother’s baby photos, photos of her beloved mother, her lovingly constructed scrapbook of awards, school reports, diplomas, etc. and the weird novel she was writing when she died.
I would ask at a local antique mall about who might be interested in the pictures, and I'd hate to see a partially written novel disappear, but beyond a cursory search for an interested writer, you have no obligation to hold on to these things.
They're things. Memories and our effect on others - those are the legacies that matter for the vast teeming billions of us. We're just cluttering up the place if we all insist on leaving a permanent record of physical flotsam and jetsam too.
posted by headnsouth at 6:02 PM on May 4, 2015
She leaves no one behind with memories of her (the good ones, I mean) except me. No one who even really remembers that she lived.
You remember. That's enough. And you don't need the ephemera of her life to remind you that she lived. If you don't want to keep it, don't.
Not once have I ever thought "gosh I wish I had that autograph book my mom had from elementary school."
posted by lyssabee at 6:30 PM on May 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
You remember. That's enough. And you don't need the ephemera of her life to remind you that she lived. If you don't want to keep it, don't.
Not once have I ever thought "gosh I wish I had that autograph book my mom had from elementary school."
posted by lyssabee at 6:30 PM on May 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
When you attended her funeral, was there anyone else there? Possible that any of those people might want to choose something to remember her by? I think that if you're able to re-home some of the items, it might be easier to discard the others.
posted by decathecting at 7:26 PM on May 4, 2015
posted by decathecting at 7:26 PM on May 4, 2015
If it were me I would make a page for her on ancestry.com with whatever you think would be interesting to family, however distantly related. I'd scan some of the pictures, write up your memories of her, maybe include her draft of the novel. I'd build whatever you know of her family tree (even if it is just her date of death and the fact of her marriage) and then make it public on the site.
She's bound to be related somehow to someone living, and ancestry is good at helping people find those connections. They would then be able to fill in a little bit of their family tree and maybe solve a mystery for someone, however minor.
If nothing else it will serve as a memorial to her, and it will be better than simply discarding everything.
Personally, I'd probably also keep a small box full of photos and such just because they're irreplaceable and maybe somehow there's someone out there who would care? Or maybe bury them all with the ashes somewhere it is legal to do so.
I ended up with many of my father's things, and by extension some of his father's things. Some have some minor nostalgia for me which is enough to keep me from throwing them away, but not enough for me to have any use for. I scanned all the pictures and put some on Flickr or ancestry. The knick knacks I put in a box labeled mathoms. Maybe it'll be interesting to my kids some day.
posted by DrumsIntheDeep at 9:56 PM on May 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
She's bound to be related somehow to someone living, and ancestry is good at helping people find those connections. They would then be able to fill in a little bit of their family tree and maybe solve a mystery for someone, however minor.
If nothing else it will serve as a memorial to her, and it will be better than simply discarding everything.
Personally, I'd probably also keep a small box full of photos and such just because they're irreplaceable and maybe somehow there's someone out there who would care? Or maybe bury them all with the ashes somewhere it is legal to do so.
I ended up with many of my father's things, and by extension some of his father's things. Some have some minor nostalgia for me which is enough to keep me from throwing them away, but not enough for me to have any use for. I scanned all the pictures and put some on Flickr or ancestry. The knick knacks I put in a box labeled mathoms. Maybe it'll be interesting to my kids some day.
posted by DrumsIntheDeep at 9:56 PM on May 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
I would scan it all, set up a facebook page for her, and add it to the facebook page. IN that way it would be come a living memorial.
posted by zia at 3:07 AM on May 5, 2015
posted by zia at 3:07 AM on May 5, 2015
As someone who has become obsessed with tracing his family tree recently, please don't destroy the documentation. That stuff is valuable to somebody, even if it's a third cousin twice removed who is trying to fill in the blanks in their family tree.
posted by COD at 5:28 AM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by COD at 5:28 AM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
I would donate them to the Salvation Army store. There are people who love old photos of other people's families. Since she has no family who wants them, you would be holding on to these photos for your children, who would likely not care much about her anyway? And especially since she was abusive toward you, don't feel one iota of guilt by donating them to someone who would enjoy them. FWIW I see old photos at the Salvation Army all the time.
posted by waving at 12:09 PM on May 5, 2015
posted by waving at 12:09 PM on May 5, 2015
The historical society of where she lived is the best answer, or the alumni library of her college. They will know what to keep and what to throw out. You'd be surprised at the sorts of banal photos become a historical artifact down the road.
posted by RedEmma at 3:56 PM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by RedEmma at 3:56 PM on May 5, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by cecic at 12:09 PM on May 4, 2015 [2 favorites]