Help Me Stay Busy During Grief

March 24, 2015 8:19 AM

My father died a few days ago. Everybody is telling me that it helps to stay busy. I would like to try that, but certain life circumstances make it difficult. More inside.

For starters, I’ll say that the rest of my family is in Virginia, while I am in Madison, WI. The biggest things keeping me here are my healthcare team and my cat. (The cat is more portable than the healthcare team.)


My days and nights mostly feel empty now professionally and socially. I’m not working now because I’m on SSDI with bipolar II, anxiety, PTSD, and sleep troubles. Though I’ve been doing better lately and thinking about working some, it’s too soon to know, and of course this would be a dicey time to try anything. Recently I’d been feeling ready at least for volunteering, but I was still figuring out what I would want to do since so much of my past volunteer work had been political and therefore very stressful.


Over the past few years, I’ve lost much of the community I had here. People have moved away or started having babies or just gotten fed up that my life is stormy for reasons related to my mental health. While I have faraway friends (who I can’t afford to visit, mostly), I haven’t even seen one friend in person since I got the news, and that’s hard. I could specifically ask some people I know here, but I’ve asked for help a lot in the past and usually ended up getting shot down. I don’t know if I have the strength for that again.


The things I most like to do are arts-oriented. I am a writer (poetry, fiction, arts journalism, creative nonfiction) and in the past few years have taken up painting and a bit of photography. Those things are nice, but usually solitary, though I am aware of local options for meetups and classes. It’s intimidating for me in general to enter an environment like that with so many strangers, something that often triggers my ptsd.


Some final notes: I don’t have a car or a license right now, so I’m dependent on bus and feet. I spend a few hours a week at a mental health clubhouse and could increase that if I wanted, but I’m not sure that I do. I’ve gone to a UU church in the past and hope to go back. Finally, I am 32, childless, and single.

posted by mermaidcafe to Grab Bag (16 answers total)

Response by poster: Apologies for the comment, but wanted to clarify. I will be going to Virginia for a bit over a week for the memorial, but I don't leave for about a week. I don't want to be there longer because my mother will still be working a lot then and I'd just be in their empty house.
posted by mermaidcafe at 8:25 AM on March 24, 2015

Recently I’d been feeling ready at least for volunteering, but I was still figuring out what I would want to do

-animal shelters
-soup kitchens
-group homes and community centers for those with developmental/intellectual disabilities
-senior homes
-libraries
-check out volunteermatch

When I need to get out of the house, but I'm not up to talking with people, I like to go see films at art house theaters. Colleges often have screenings as well, often free.
posted by Juliet Banana at 8:29 AM on March 24, 2015 [1 favorite]

Can you see if the church has a grief support group? It might be comforting to draw on others. I'm so sorry for your loss. No matter how old we are, losing a parent is a very painful part of life.
posted by cecic at 8:29 AM on March 24, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I'm so sorry to hear this, mermaidcafe.

There is no wrong way to grieve. When my dad died, I went for a lot of walks and watched a lot of old movies and re-read books I'd read a dozen times before. I went back to work later that week but it felt too soon.

I think the staying busy advice is really intended for you to consider in the medium to long term. This just happened. Right now, you should just do whatever feels right: Going for walks, reading, sleeping, sitting in a coffee shop. The time to be busy will come. Don't feel like you have to rush it.

Hugs.
posted by mochapickle at 8:29 AM on March 24, 2015 [8 favorites]

I think you should go now, if you can. Even if you're in an empty house during some of the days, there will be things that need to be done by someone. Organizing the program, maybe a photo collage or series of photos in a frame, you could have a nice guestbook, some food, getting a speaker system, music, etc. You'll also be around people who knew and loved him, and not trying to blindly fill your time. Bring your cat with you, if that's an option.
posted by barnone at 8:30 AM on March 24, 2015

Best answer: Oh dear. I am so sorry. My father died at the end of 2012 and I can tell you what helped me. I had taken a week off work to go see him, but he died before I could get on the plane so I had this week of nothing stretching ahead.

I went for a walk every day and took a picture of something with my phone. There is a park not far from my house and I just walked around looking for something beautiful or something to respond to. Then I would go home and write a lot about my father.

If you are like me, you are in shock right now. CS Lewis wrote, "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear." I couldn't understand why I felt in such a panic even though the bad thing had already happened. This was sheer physical panic for seemingly no reason. Maybe you don't feel this way, but a few days after losing a family member is still basically a state of emergency. Don't worry about putting anything in place for the future; getting through this time is enough. There are a lot of things I did wrong during my own bereavement period, but the unstructured walking and writing was definitely healthy. Find some way to be good to yourself.
posted by BibiRose at 8:33 AM on March 24, 2015 [5 favorites]

Best answer: Seconding that "this JUST happened." And I'm so sorry for your loss.

You mention that you've discarded "writing" as an option because "it's solitary" - but what's wrong with that? Writing, or at least keeping a journal, would be among one of the FIRST things I would recommend, actually. I mean, if it feels a little too much like "work", then that's different; but writing can be a great thing to channel your emotions and feelings into, especially since they're going to be complex and varied and shifting and confusing.

But the wound is so fresh that you should give yourself a LITTLE time to do whatever. Do the full-on hunker down at home where you do nothing but watch Disney movies and eat ice cream with your hands and cry if that's what comforts you.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:34 AM on March 24, 2015

The things I most like to do are arts-oriented. I am a writer (poetry, fiction, arts journalism, creative nonfiction) and in the past few years have taken up painting and a bit of photography. Those things are nice, but usually solitary, though I am aware of local options for meetups and classes. It’s intimidating for me in general to enter an environment like that with so many strangers, something that often triggers my ptsd.

You don't have to stay busy. That's just something people say because it helps them to distract themselves. If you are finding yourself grieving a different way and it's helpful, the by all means do it, it's just as valid as "keeping busy".

But staying busy doesn't necessarily means staying busy in a group. You can work on a project. Work out your feelings on the page. Do some journaling. Write some poetry. Maybe do some freelance stuff if that's something you do. If it's not something you've done before, then spend time learning how to freelance.
posted by inturnaround at 8:36 AM on March 24, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: mochapickle is right, there's no wrong way to grieve and thus no wrong way to keep yourself occupied.

Video games help for me. They take my mind completely off my life and immerse me in the world of someone else.

Write, paint, draw, take photographs of your cat. Paint hats on the photographs of your cat.

I am also in my early 30's and lost my mother last July. You will make it through this. I promise. It gets easier, although some days will hurt just as bad as today does.. but the frequency of those days will grow farther and father apart.

Also, maybe keeping busy isn't the way you need to grieve. Maybe you need to lay in bed and cry your heart out. Go for it. This isn't wrong either.
posted by royalsong at 8:39 AM on March 24, 2015 [2 favorites]

Best answer: I'm so sorry! I remember some of your previous questions, and my heart really goes out to you.

In terms of practical advice, I think you should try to balance a combination of down time with more social activities. I don't think being isolated all the time is ultimately beneficial, but at the same time, you want to give yourself time to grieve and recover.

In terms of activities, do you like animals? I bet there's a animal shelter that would be happy to have you volunteer. Often they want people to walk dogs, play with the kittens, etc. Personally, I find being around animals really comforting because you don't have to put on a happy face, make conversation, or feel pressure to act a certain way.

It may be too early to pursue lots of volunteer activities, but after you've had a little more time to heal, you might find it beneficial to get involved in something like community outreach, helping at a hospital, or something like that. I know where I live they have programs where you can volunteer to tutor kids who need help with school. This can be a good way to get outside of yourself and feel like you're adding some meaning to life if you're feeling down.

What about some kind of art class? You could see if your community offers something like ceramics, or painting, or whatever. This could be low stress, and they might have free/cheap options available.

I don't know if you knit or crochet, but both of those things are pretty easy to pick up, and I bet you have local yarn stores that hold knitting classes. I also like knitting because it gives me something to do when I'm binge watching TV shows.

If you want something less structured, how about just going for a walk in a park (although maybe it's too cold in Madison at the moment), or bringing a book to a local cafe? Sometimes just being around people can help you feel less isolated. If you want to do some writing, you could also do it at a local coffee shop.

Finally, I know you may not feel comfortable doing this, but if I had a close friend who was going through something like this, I would be totally willing to reach out to our circle of friends and try to raise a little bit of money that might help you afford to go visit friends or family.

I would just recommend taking it one day at a time. There will probably be days where you're desperate to get out of the house, and others where all you can manage to do is curl up in bed and cry. As others have already said, there's no wrong way to grieve.

Hang in there!
posted by litera scripta manet at 8:43 AM on March 24, 2015

Best answer: Oh god when my dad died suddenly I alternated between sleepwalking through my responsibilities and lying in bed bingewatching... I don't even remember. It wasn't even "staying busy" it was just finding ways to make the time pass without being more miserable. It was not an awesome time. So only you know if you need to stay busy or just stay home organizing photos and painting. Anything is fine. If it were me in your situation I think I'd check in at the clubhouse just to be around other people and head back to church since you'll get support from people who are (in my opinion) a little more geared towards helping people in life-changing situations.

I told my friends via email as an FYI, told them I wasn't sure how I was feeling about everything but that I wanted them to know. Some people step up and offer to help and other people don't. If you have people step up, take them up on it. It's often not a big deal for a friend to take you out to a meal and listen to you talk about whatever you want to talk about for a bit. It feels like a terrible imposition but it's often not. If you have people who fall into the "You'd do it for them" think about doing that. You might also look into a grief support group just because 1) they're free and 2) they're a little scheduled thing, where 3) you can be you.

I am sorry you are in pain. Time will help.
posted by jessamyn at 9:09 AM on March 24, 2015 [3 favorites]

Best answer: What helped me in the immediate aftermath was stuff that was sort of in the fashion of my usual creative activities, but required less brain. You can print coloring pages off the internet for with colored pencils or crayons. Try to get at least a little exercise even if it's just taking walks, but I wouldn't worry about things like volunteering unless you really feel called to do it. I watched a lot of Youtube. Gradually other entertainment started to seem easier to accomplish. The coloring was particularly nice, though, because I had a finished product for the time I'd spent, which you don't really get out of Youtube.
posted by Sequence at 9:29 AM on March 24, 2015 [1 favorite]

Best answer: As someone who has various mood issues and rough patches and who sort of hates exercising, I'm forced to admit that exercise is the wonder drug for any sort of bad mental situation. Swim, walk, gym, whatever (but don't overdo it at first if you don't normally exercise vigorously). Listen to up-tempo music and work out. When your body is active any bad thoughts that enter your head can be manifested outwardly by pedaling faster or whatever. Plus it changes your brain chemistry in a way that sends your thoughts in different (usually more optimistic) directions.

Also when I've been down I did a ton of crosswords, or sudoku or the like. Poetry (I wrote some bummer poetry during bad times but I was able to get the thoughts out there). Maybe binge watch some comedies? Mix it up and cut yourself some slack.

Let yourself grieve, but force yourself to get out and about every day and make some light plans that involve seeing people (UU, walking buddy, etc.). And try to connect with others who might be feeling the loss too - they may need support as well. You'll get through it!
posted by freecellwizard at 1:23 PM on March 24, 2015

Walking helps a lot. Today, I walked an extra hour to go to a distant supermarket to get one item, just because it gave my walk a purpose after a bad day yesterday. If you like dogs and have a neighbour or friend, walking a dog around a park is amazingly good for your spirits because you're occupied with the dog but not having to talk like with a person. Walk to the grocery store every day and bake tiny one person recipes (google baking for one - there are lots of recipes ready). If you have a freezer, you could spend your days making freezer-ready meals for later as a kindness to yourself in the future.

Baking, repainting the house, walking and reading long series of novels helped me during grief. You want something absorbing but intellectually light. I read all of Agatha Christie one bad month, and another time it was just rereading Terry Pratchett's witches books over and over, a stack of terrible historical romances, and the Patrick O'Brians, and most recently all of the Hamish MacBeth & Agatha Raisin novels (cozy mysteries genre). Having a long pile of books from the library to escape into helps.

I also discovered that playing very loud Bollywood dance tracks is pretty great too. It just has to be a language you do't understand and loud and fast to get you moving and fill your head with noise, but no lyrics that you get caught up on. Although The Sunset Tree by Mountain Goats on repeat was something that helped me enormously for my dad's funeral, as did obsessively re-reading a poetry anthology that included some of his favourites.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 7:16 PM on March 24, 2015 [1 favorite]

When my parents died, I was busy because there was nobody else to do stuff. It helped, but I still had to do all the things to manage my anxiety and my worst negative thoughts that I usually do, because I still needed to get to sleep at night and not shriek at strangers in the grocery store. Whatever it is you do to manage your anxiety and PTSD and sleep troubles, keep doing those things. And be extra gentle with yourself when you're trying to get yourself not to do the things that exacerbate your illness.

Not only is there no right way to grieve, there is no universal solution for how to cope with grief. So if "keep yourself busy" isn't an instruction that makes sense with your life, well, never mind that instruction. Do whatever you usually do to take care of yourself, and seek the support and assistance and problem-solving of your healthcare team. And be kind to yourself if you aren't quite able to take care of yourself to your usual standard - catastrophic thinking, like ruminating, just makes things worse. It's more important than usual not to torment yourself. So it's great if you can occupy yourself with something that makes you feel better, but it's not great if you're ruminating endlessly about what you should be doing to grieve as well as humanly possible, especially if it's making you focus on social isolation and other things that make people more sad and anxious.
posted by gingerest at 8:03 PM on March 24, 2015

Doing non-collaborative things that I was used to but making sure i did them in social environments (writing/websurfing at a coffee shop) helped me when my dad died, both as an activity that was comfortable for me and as a reminder that life goes on all around. YMMV.
posted by softlord at 8:27 AM on March 29, 2015