Tips for the nervous home cook?
March 11, 2015 3:27 AM Subscribe
My significant other is a willing but very nervous cook. Is there a way to resolve his cooking anxiety?
Points we agree on:
- We need to eat at home rather than going out.
- We both prefer proper dinners, not canned soup or bagels.
- Cooking should be split 50/50.
- When it's his turn, I should not have to think about it until dinner is served.
The last one is great in theory, but nonexistent in practice. When he cooks, I must be physically present to do the following: cook any meat component (he is terrified of ruining meat); field questions about where to find tools and ingredients; provide step-by-step instructions for certain parts of food prep; step in if the anxiety reaches "shouting at a pot of water" levels. (It happens.)
I need resources to pass along to him. Like I said, he is aware this is a problem, both his anxiety and my cooking burn-out, and he is willing and super receptive. I am looking for online resources that basically do the hand-holding for me. Blogs he can read aimed at completely new cooks, listicles of 3 ingredient meals or meals for dorm rooms (or along those lines), VIDEOS of how-to: how to chop vegetables, how to cook chicken breast, etc..
Or, alternatively, if you were a nervous cook, what helped you become more comfortable and independent in the kitchen?
Thanks!
Points we agree on:
- We need to eat at home rather than going out.
- We both prefer proper dinners, not canned soup or bagels.
- Cooking should be split 50/50.
- When it's his turn, I should not have to think about it until dinner is served.
The last one is great in theory, but nonexistent in practice. When he cooks, I must be physically present to do the following: cook any meat component (he is terrified of ruining meat); field questions about where to find tools and ingredients; provide step-by-step instructions for certain parts of food prep; step in if the anxiety reaches "shouting at a pot of water" levels. (It happens.)
I need resources to pass along to him. Like I said, he is aware this is a problem, both his anxiety and my cooking burn-out, and he is willing and super receptive. I am looking for online resources that basically do the hand-holding for me. Blogs he can read aimed at completely new cooks, listicles of 3 ingredient meals or meals for dorm rooms (or along those lines), VIDEOS of how-to: how to chop vegetables, how to cook chicken breast, etc..
Or, alternatively, if you were a nervous cook, what helped you become more comfortable and independent in the kitchen?
Thanks!
Or, alternatively, if you were a nervous cook, what helped you become more comfortable and independent in the kitchen?
There's a scene in Julie and Julia where Amy Adams tries (and fails) to flip an over easy egg over and over again. When the movie came out I was talking to a friend's mom about cooking, and she admitted she had never made an over easy egg before seeing that movie. She said she bought a bunch of eggs on the way home from the theater, came home, and went into the kitchen. Literally eight eggs on the floor later, she flipped a perfect over easy egg.
It's important to accept that failure happens. And for something like making dinner, the stakes are really low. So dinner sucks tonight. So what. You'll do better next time.
I don't know how you impart that to your SO, but a lot of this falls into the category of things you just need to do. Reading a blog isn't going to make anyone more comfortable in the kitchen. Actually being in the kitchen and doing it wrong 5 times before you get it right makes you more comfortable in the kitchen.
posted by phunniemee at 3:44 AM on March 11, 2015 [17 favorites]
A couple things come to my mind:
1. I like, no *need*, to have a picture of the final recipe to feel like I understand what the end product will be. Can you stick to only simple recipes with pictures, whether they are from a book or online?
2. Can you spend an hour or two together rearranging the kitchen, so that he will know where things are and have a say in how the kitchen is organized? You can phrase it positively, like, "I'm so excited we are going to be cooking more! Since we will be using the kitchen often, I'd like to look through our tools and make sure they are organized in a way that makes sense."
3. Having things out and measured before the cooking begins makes sure that nothing is left out, and that you don't overcook something while chopping or measuring something else. It takes a bit of time up front, but it makes for a MUCH easier cooking process.
Good luck and happy cooking!
posted by shortyJBot at 3:45 AM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
1. I like, no *need*, to have a picture of the final recipe to feel like I understand what the end product will be. Can you stick to only simple recipes with pictures, whether they are from a book or online?
2. Can you spend an hour or two together rearranging the kitchen, so that he will know where things are and have a say in how the kitchen is organized? You can phrase it positively, like, "I'm so excited we are going to be cooking more! Since we will be using the kitchen often, I'd like to look through our tools and make sure they are organized in a way that makes sense."
3. Having things out and measured before the cooking begins makes sure that nothing is left out, and that you don't overcook something while chopping or measuring something else. It takes a bit of time up front, but it makes for a MUCH easier cooking process.
Good luck and happy cooking!
posted by shortyJBot at 3:45 AM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Mark Bittman's work (How to Cook Everything) might be useful. But mostly I think he has to learn to accept that learning to cook involves frustration and failure. And you need to convey to him that it's ok with you if sometimes the meal is not great so long as it gets on the table.
For the meat thing can he just cook meat that's hard to ruin? Hamburger in pasta sauce, chicken thighs? Or could the meat be cooked ahead all on one day of the week so he can reheat?
Oh and if he doesn't know where things are in the kitchen he extra double needs to find the things he needs before he starts cooking.
posted by mskyle at 3:54 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
For the meat thing can he just cook meat that's hard to ruin? Hamburger in pasta sauce, chicken thighs? Or could the meat be cooked ahead all on one day of the week so he can reheat?
Oh and if he doesn't know where things are in the kitchen he extra double needs to find the things he needs before he starts cooking.
posted by mskyle at 3:54 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Get him a sous vide regulator, so he can't ruin meat, and an instant-read probe thermometer, and a rice cooker, and a copy of America's Test Kitchen's Best Recipe, which has very clear well-tested instructions and explanations of techniques, and Harold McGee's On Food and Cooking, which explains the actual chemical processes that turn raw food into cooked food.
posted by nicwolff at 3:59 AM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by nicwolff at 3:59 AM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Oh and questions about where to find tools? What is he making? A bowl, a saucepan, a frying pan, a spatula, a spoon, a roasting pan, a casserole, a fork, a spatula, a spoon. Measuring cups and spoons. He can make anything with those. If he's having trouble finding them reorganize and maybe de clutter the kitchen.
posted by mskyle at 4:00 AM on March 11, 2015
posted by mskyle at 4:00 AM on March 11, 2015
Would it help if he a) cooked vegetarian food for now so you don't have to step in to help with the meat, and b) he made sure all tools and equipment were prepared before he starts cooking - then if he can't find something he can take the ten minutes or whatever to look for it without worrying about his pan boiling over.
The "showing him how to chop vegetables" part - what about chopping vegetables is he finding difficult? Is he really not able to chop a carrot, or is he just not doing it at top speed like a professional chef? Could you reassure him that as long as the carrot end up in pieces it doesn't matter how he does it?
Delia Smith's Complete Cookery Course is very good for this kind of thing - lots of photos, lots of easy steps, very reassuring tone. She does a Complete Vegetarian if he doesn't want to face cooking meat.
posted by tinkletown at 4:05 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
The "showing him how to chop vegetables" part - what about chopping vegetables is he finding difficult? Is he really not able to chop a carrot, or is he just not doing it at top speed like a professional chef? Could you reassure him that as long as the carrot end up in pieces it doesn't matter how he does it?
Delia Smith's Complete Cookery Course is very good for this kind of thing - lots of photos, lots of easy steps, very reassuring tone. She does a Complete Vegetarian if he doesn't want to face cooking meat.
posted by tinkletown at 4:05 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Honestly, I think you should leave the house while he cooks. Maybe for the first week plan ahead what he's going to cook (simple things only), show him where the kitchen implements are that he'll need (let him take notes!) and then leave.
Have him cook early and have the number for a pizza delivery handy, in case he feels it's inedible. Always eat what he serves with major appreciative comments about how good it is to not have to think about cooking and come home to a home cooked meal, and how loved it makes you feel. Only adress how good it tastes if you mean it but mention individual things he did well (vegetables perfectly done without being mushy!)
I am a nervous cook and having better cooks in the kitchen is a distraction, is intimidating and a learning impediment because I'll always ask them for help first.
posted by Omnomnom at 4:07 AM on March 11, 2015 [26 favorites]
Have him cook early and have the number for a pizza delivery handy, in case he feels it's inedible. Always eat what he serves with major appreciative comments about how good it is to not have to think about cooking and come home to a home cooked meal, and how loved it makes you feel. Only adress how good it tastes if you mean it but mention individual things he did well (vegetables perfectly done without being mushy!)
I am a nervous cook and having better cooks in the kitchen is a distraction, is intimidating and a learning impediment because I'll always ask them for help first.
posted by Omnomnom at 4:07 AM on March 11, 2015 [26 favorites]
Until ten years ago I could cook about three meals... I now do 99% of the cooking in the house and I have thousands of recipes that I utilize...
As mentioned above: It takes practice, ruining the meal isn't the end of the world, and it is much easier than he thinks it is to make a good meal.
I also used the "Well, if I screw it up, we can always order pizza.." philosophy, with, and this is important, 100% support on that from my spouse.....
posted by HuronBob at 4:15 AM on March 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
As mentioned above: It takes practice, ruining the meal isn't the end of the world, and it is much easier than he thinks it is to make a good meal.
I also used the "Well, if I screw it up, we can always order pizza.." philosophy, with, and this is important, 100% support on that from my spouse.....
posted by HuronBob at 4:15 AM on March 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
Also.... Once in a while I'll do a practice run and try a recipe when the wife isn't around... No pressure, I can experiment a bit...
posted by HuronBob at 4:17 AM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by HuronBob at 4:17 AM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Willing but slow-learner cook here. This is basically me, without the high anxiety: I'm rubbish at remembering where the seasonings are, can't remember steps without a clear recipe in front of me, etc etc. Of course when I'm cooking for my SO I want it to be perfect, and frustration can set in because of that.
But! We're talking about dinner here, not a PhD viva or something. Everyone else here is right: so what if he overcooks the meat? He'll learn what he did wrong, bit by bit, and improve before you both know it. Start with the basics and work up from there, don't get overambitious.
Is he slow at chopping veg? I was sloth-like till I got more confident with the knife - and used a proper sharpened one, for starters. Now I can peel and chop a bunch of carrots and onions in no time (onions especially - James Martin's cheffy tip for how to properly chop an onion or shallot - basically this one - was a revelation for me).
Now that I'm thinking of it, I really should cook for my SO more often. Thanks for the kick up the arse!
posted by macdara at 4:32 AM on March 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
But! We're talking about dinner here, not a PhD viva or something. Everyone else here is right: so what if he overcooks the meat? He'll learn what he did wrong, bit by bit, and improve before you both know it. Start with the basics and work up from there, don't get overambitious.
Is he slow at chopping veg? I was sloth-like till I got more confident with the knife - and used a proper sharpened one, for starters. Now I can peel and chop a bunch of carrots and onions in no time (onions especially - James Martin's cheffy tip for how to properly chop an onion or shallot - basically this one - was a revelation for me).
Now that I'm thinking of it, I really should cook for my SO more often. Thanks for the kick up the arse!
posted by macdara at 4:32 AM on March 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
Agreed with the practice makes perfect plan, but another way to go would be to look for a community cooking class to give him some confidence.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:32 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by warriorqueen at 4:32 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
he is terrified of ruining meat...the anxiety reaches "shouting at a pot of water" levels
This isn't about cooking. It's about his deep-seated and obviously unmanaged anxiety. He needs therapy and/or medication, not cooking tips. Unless the kitchen is on fire or something, one should really not be feeling terror or screaming at inanimate objects which fixing dinner.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 4:40 AM on March 11, 2015 [15 favorites]
This isn't about cooking. It's about his deep-seated and obviously unmanaged anxiety. He needs therapy and/or medication, not cooking tips. Unless the kitchen is on fire or something, one should really not be feeling terror or screaming at inanimate objects which fixing dinner.
posted by schroedingersgirl at 4:40 AM on March 11, 2015 [15 favorites]
Best answer: In terms of the 3-ingredient recipes - here's one. And this cookbook is so good that when my cousin was Christmas shopping and picked it out for me, after flipping through it for a few minutes while wrapping it she went back and got herself a copy too.
But in terms of anxiety - just practice would help, and I have a different approach for that:
1. You say you don't want canned soup, how about homemade soup? I recommend The Moosewood Daily special for new cooks precisely because it is all homemade soups and salads, which are meant to be a mix-and-match sort of pairing-things-together thing - and because it's hard to fuck soup up. Also, they're vegetarian, so there's no meat to screw up. A year or so of working with that and he'll have developed some "okay, I do know how to work in a kitchen without panic" confidence.
2. How about you cooking together? One of you is the sous-chef and deals with all the ingredient-gathering and mise en place, the other actually does the actionable stuff. That way on days he's feeling like he can handle sauteeing, all the ingredients are all there becuase you've laid them out, and on days when he's shaky, he can be the one measuring and chopping, and will get some habitual "oh, yeah, that's where the mushrooms are kept" experience.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:50 AM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
But in terms of anxiety - just practice would help, and I have a different approach for that:
1. You say you don't want canned soup, how about homemade soup? I recommend The Moosewood Daily special for new cooks precisely because it is all homemade soups and salads, which are meant to be a mix-and-match sort of pairing-things-together thing - and because it's hard to fuck soup up. Also, they're vegetarian, so there's no meat to screw up. A year or so of working with that and he'll have developed some "okay, I do know how to work in a kitchen without panic" confidence.
2. How about you cooking together? One of you is the sous-chef and deals with all the ingredient-gathering and mise en place, the other actually does the actionable stuff. That way on days he's feeling like he can handle sauteeing, all the ingredients are all there becuase you've laid them out, and on days when he's shaky, he can be the one measuring and chopping, and will get some habitual "oh, yeah, that's where the mushrooms are kept" experience.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:50 AM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
The only way to get better at cooking is to do more cooking. It is exactly like virtually any other skill; it takes practice, and it takes willingness to fail and order pizza.
For books, I recommend (again) Ferran Adria's The Family Meal. Recipes are presented in clusters as menus (app/main/dessert), a timeline from 'walk into the kitchen' to 'burp appreciatively' is provided, photos of every ingredient and every step in the process, recipes scaled for 2/4/more people.
Easy easy easy soup:
Peel 1 butternut squash. Cut in half, or chop off the bulbous end and chop that in half, and scoop out the seeds. (If you're adventurous, wash them off, roast with olive oil/cumin/salt--nice little snack!). Hack it into roughly equal-thickness pieces (let's say no more than an inch in any dimension; no need to be fancy about it).
Put the squash bits in a pot with a couple cloves of garlic and say a teaspoon of cumin, couple pinches of cinnamon. Cover with milk or cream or coconut milk. Bring to a simmer and leave it alone until the squash is fork tender--that is, the side of a fork will cut through it. Stick your immersion blender in and have at it. Taste, add salt/pepper as needed, consume with nice crusty bread. (Can also puree in a food processor; using an upright blender for hot liquids is level 201).
This works for basically any root vegetable--potatoes, sweet potatoes, carrots, parsnips, beets, any kind of squash.
Beyond that, yeah, if he's actually shouting at inanimate objects and terrified of ruining a piece of protein, it would probably be effective for him to speak to a professional about his anxiety. That's beyond kitchen trepidation, imho.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 4:56 AM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
For books, I recommend (again) Ferran Adria's The Family Meal. Recipes are presented in clusters as menus (app/main/dessert), a timeline from 'walk into the kitchen' to 'burp appreciatively' is provided, photos of every ingredient and every step in the process, recipes scaled for 2/4/more people.
Easy easy easy soup:
Peel 1 butternut squash. Cut in half, or chop off the bulbous end and chop that in half, and scoop out the seeds. (If you're adventurous, wash them off, roast with olive oil/cumin/salt--nice little snack!). Hack it into roughly equal-thickness pieces (let's say no more than an inch in any dimension; no need to be fancy about it).
Put the squash bits in a pot with a couple cloves of garlic and say a teaspoon of cumin, couple pinches of cinnamon. Cover with milk or cream or coconut milk. Bring to a simmer and leave it alone until the squash is fork tender--that is, the side of a fork will cut through it. Stick your immersion blender in and have at it. Taste, add salt/pepper as needed, consume with nice crusty bread. (Can also puree in a food processor; using an upright blender for hot liquids is level 201).
This works for basically any root vegetable--potatoes, sweet potatoes, carrots, parsnips, beets, any kind of squash.
Beyond that, yeah, if he's actually shouting at inanimate objects and terrified of ruining a piece of protein, it would probably be effective for him to speak to a professional about his anxiety. That's beyond kitchen trepidation, imho.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 4:56 AM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
I recommend figuring out a couple of simple dishes that he can cook over and over -- a vegetable soup is a good choice, and a simple red sauce and pasta is pretty good, too. There will be a certain period of sameness, but he can gain confidence, they are hard to screw up, and some variety can be slowly inserted in the way of different vegetables and spices. Once he gets to the point where he can bust those out in his sleep, he can add more variety.
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:01 AM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by GenjiandProust at 5:01 AM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Deal with the anxiety first. Take the pressure off of him. His nights can be sandwich nights. Buy a panini press and ask him to make hot sandwiches. Go on and on about how great they are. Build up his confidence. Once he is feeling better about himself, he will start getting more creative.
posted by myselfasme at 5:11 AM on March 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by myselfasme at 5:11 AM on March 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: A proper home cooked meal doesn't need to be a piece of meat and two perfectly cooked vegetable sides. There is a vast array of food between that, and "canned soup and bagels". It can be pasta with nice jarred pesto, a salad, and a hunk of buttered baguette on the side. It can be sliced halloumi (literally the easiest thing in the world to cook, impossible to ruin) in warm pita bread with hummous and salad. It can be smoked mackerel on sourdough toast with a little creme fraiche. There are infinite combinations of good-quality ingredients that require the absolute minimum of cooking - just a bit of assembly, really. I am a damn good cook and I love it, but I spend less than 10 minutes on it on the average weeknight "assembling" meals instead of cooking, because I don't have the time.
I agree with other posters that there may be some underlying psychological issues, but I don't think that insisting that he cook proper full-on meals three nights a week is going to help. Why not just let him give himself permission to make assembly meals as long as they're healthy and things that you both enjoy? If you still find that he honestly isn't capable of finding the pasta pot, boiling the water, setting a timer to cook it for 10 minutes, draining it, mixing it with the sauce, and buttering some bread to go with it, then there are problems that go beyond any help we can offer you here.
posted by cilantro at 5:18 AM on March 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
I agree with other posters that there may be some underlying psychological issues, but I don't think that insisting that he cook proper full-on meals three nights a week is going to help. Why not just let him give himself permission to make assembly meals as long as they're healthy and things that you both enjoy? If you still find that he honestly isn't capable of finding the pasta pot, boiling the water, setting a timer to cook it for 10 minutes, draining it, mixing it with the sauce, and buttering some bread to go with it, then there are problems that go beyond any help we can offer you here.
posted by cilantro at 5:18 AM on March 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Oh, yeah, I meant to say: he needs to start out absolutely dead simple. As in, here is a jar of tomato sauce. Here is a packet of spaghetti. Put one of them in a small pot and heat gently, put the other in a pot of boiling salted water until done. Drain pasta, combine. Grate cheese over top.
Grilled cheese sandwiches are also a good place to start: bread, butter, cheese. Fry in pan. Done. Add a salad with a simple jarred salad dressing on the side. Once he's comfortable there, move on to making vinaigrette. (Something like this would help a lot there).
It won't be thrilling for a while. But that's really where he needs to start.
I have noticed--and only you can know whether or not this applies--that some (usually but not always straight) guys feign or exaggerate anxiety or ineptitude in the kitchen specifically to avoid doing it, from seeing cooking as women's work.
And, this is the tough love solution, it may be worthwhile for you to just say "nope, we've agreed we need to both be cooking. That means you need to actively be part of this. I'm not making dinner tonight, I'm not holding your hand, I expect to eat at 7pm. There's the Internet, go find a video that shows you how to make something." (I'd suggest Alton Brown's Good Eats for step-by-steppery with, importantly, why each step matters). I had to take a similar approach to an ex; he was working part-time, I was working full-time, and he expected me to come home and make dinner. I got exasperated eventually, and from time to time would say "nope, dinner's your responsibility tomorrow." If dinner wasn't made, I had a sandwich, and if he complained about being hungry, I pointed to the kitchen.
What I'm saying is there comes a point at which it's his responsibility to be part of the solution. I could easily be misinterpreting what you're saying here, but it really sounds like he's expecting you to do all the heavy lifting of getting him into the kitchen, which is unfair in the extreme.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 5:21 AM on March 11, 2015 [7 favorites]
Grilled cheese sandwiches are also a good place to start: bread, butter, cheese. Fry in pan. Done. Add a salad with a simple jarred salad dressing on the side. Once he's comfortable there, move on to making vinaigrette. (Something like this would help a lot there).
It won't be thrilling for a while. But that's really where he needs to start.
I have noticed--and only you can know whether or not this applies--that some (usually but not always straight) guys feign or exaggerate anxiety or ineptitude in the kitchen specifically to avoid doing it, from seeing cooking as women's work.
And, this is the tough love solution, it may be worthwhile for you to just say "nope, we've agreed we need to both be cooking. That means you need to actively be part of this. I'm not making dinner tonight, I'm not holding your hand, I expect to eat at 7pm. There's the Internet, go find a video that shows you how to make something." (I'd suggest Alton Brown's Good Eats for step-by-steppery with, importantly, why each step matters). I had to take a similar approach to an ex; he was working part-time, I was working full-time, and he expected me to come home and make dinner. I got exasperated eventually, and from time to time would say "nope, dinner's your responsibility tomorrow." If dinner wasn't made, I had a sandwich, and if he complained about being hungry, I pointed to the kitchen.
What I'm saying is there comes a point at which it's his responsibility to be part of the solution. I could easily be misinterpreting what you're saying here, but it really sounds like he's expecting you to do all the heavy lifting of getting him into the kitchen, which is unfair in the extreme.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 5:21 AM on March 11, 2015 [7 favorites]
Best answer: I used to be anxious about some of the same things.
I learned from the Better Homes and Gardens Anyone Can Cook. It has really detailed instructions. It includes an extended section at the beginning with lots of photographs demonstrating basic kitchen techniques. Every recipe has cross-references to that beginning section. Very little is left to interpretation or chance. I highly recommend this cookbook for any total beginners. I learned a lot by cooking almost every recipe in that book in skill level order.
Do:
posted by grouse at 5:31 AM on March 11, 2015
I learned from the Better Homes and Gardens Anyone Can Cook. It has really detailed instructions. It includes an extended section at the beginning with lots of photographs demonstrating basic kitchen techniques. Every recipe has cross-references to that beginning section. Very little is left to interpretation or chance. I highly recommend this cookbook for any total beginners. I learned a lot by cooking almost every recipe in that book in skill level order.
Do:
- Get that book.
- Get an instant-read thermometer (will help with anxiety over either ruining meat or poisoning you). It's also suggested by the book.
- Read the introduction section.
- Pick out a Skill Level 2 recipe. (Unfortunately, many of the Skill Level 1 recipes do not taste good.)
- Set out everything needed for the recipe in advance, including all the utensils and cookware.
- Clean the kitchen and do all the prep work before you turn on a cooking appliance.
- Cook the recipe exactly as written.
- Use more complex cookbooks for more experienced cooks. Even though How To Cook Everything is my current go-to, it doesn't necessarily explain things in enough detail for the total beginner, and Mark Bittman loves to leave some decisions up to the cook. You can graduate to this. The New Best Recipe (which I also love personally) has recipes that are way too complicated for someone at this level.
- Get recipes off the internet.
posted by grouse at 5:31 AM on March 11, 2015
If you have the cash, a Thermomix is basically a kitchen robot in that you put ingredients in, press buttons, and then remove food. The recipes are very consistent and there's a built in weighing scale too.
posted by viggorlijah at 5:50 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by viggorlijah at 5:50 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
I grew up learning how to cook by watching Julia Child, Graham Kerr, Jeff Smith, Jacques Pepin, and Alton Brown.
And by practicing. And making mistakes.
I've ruined meat before. Oh well. That's what wine is for.
One thing that might help to drive this home is that exact proportion and precise timing very rarely matter in typical home cooking. There is a lot of wiggle room to be different. Baking is another matter - baking is chemical and process engineering, but cooking is art.
posted by plinth at 5:53 AM on March 11, 2015
And by practicing. And making mistakes.
I've ruined meat before. Oh well. That's what wine is for.
One thing that might help to drive this home is that exact proportion and precise timing very rarely matter in typical home cooking. There is a lot of wiggle room to be different. Baking is another matter - baking is chemical and process engineering, but cooking is art.
posted by plinth at 5:53 AM on March 11, 2015
Would it help if he a) cooked vegetarian food for now so you don't have to step in to help with the meat,
This does really help me. I'm not terrified of cooking meat, but I'm just bad at it. Undercooked or overcooked tend to be the only results, and yeah, I wouldn't want to serve it to my partner. Vegetarian dishes solve the problem pretty completely.
posted by smackfu at 5:54 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
This does really help me. I'm not terrified of cooking meat, but I'm just bad at it. Undercooked or overcooked tend to be the only results, and yeah, I wouldn't want to serve it to my partner. Vegetarian dishes solve the problem pretty completely.
posted by smackfu at 5:54 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Anxious cooks I know have never been that bad, but key components of getting more comfortable involved taking the time pressure off as much as possible. Don't start with searing cuts of meats (which have a narrow range of under/overdone), start with "assemble these items" meals, then things like grilled sandwiches, then on to stews, sauces, braises, and other slow cooking methods.
If possible, start prep at least 20-30 minutes earlier than you think you need to.
Snack first; starting a meal from scratch while hangry is bad news.
Follow recipes, have them written or printed out if it helps. Set a timer for short cooking steps.
Also, have you considered not being home for the start of cooking?
posted by deludingmyself at 6:09 AM on March 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
If possible, start prep at least 20-30 minutes earlier than you think you need to.
Snack first; starting a meal from scratch while hangry is bad news.
Follow recipes, have them written or printed out if it helps. Set a timer for short cooking steps.
Also, have you considered not being home for the start of cooking?
posted by deludingmyself at 6:09 AM on March 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I am in the same boat with my S.O.
One thing that I've found is that he won't make something like boxed macaroni without asking my opinions, but he has no problem making brisket. After analyzing what's different about the brisket, I've come up with three things:
1. He's passionate about it.
2. He knows it's not really my area of expertise, so the pressure to meet my expectations is gone. It's between him and the recipe.
3. It uses the slow cooker. Slow cooker recipes tend to be "throw stuff in a pot, let sit for hours." There's no checking meat to see if it's done or making sure something hasn't burnt.
tldr: Get him a cookbook of slow cooker meals, and encourage him to make things he really likes.
posted by tofu_crouton at 6:16 AM on March 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
One thing that I've found is that he won't make something like boxed macaroni without asking my opinions, but he has no problem making brisket. After analyzing what's different about the brisket, I've come up with three things:
1. He's passionate about it.
2. He knows it's not really my area of expertise, so the pressure to meet my expectations is gone. It's between him and the recipe.
3. It uses the slow cooker. Slow cooker recipes tend to be "throw stuff in a pot, let sit for hours." There's no checking meat to see if it's done or making sure something hasn't burnt.
tldr: Get him a cookbook of slow cooker meals, and encourage him to make things he really likes.
posted by tofu_crouton at 6:16 AM on March 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
There's probably a combination of things that will help this situation
1. Managing expectations: I agree with other people that having lower-key meals be the expectations early on will help. Maybe use easy meats like ground hamburger or having some ready-to-go meats like easily grillable chicken breasts (or even deli meats for sandwiches) would be helpful. Meat isn't easy and there are a lot of ways to have healthy meals that are simpler to cook. I think pasta dishes (baked ones that are assembly but come out well like lasagna) and hearty soups and stews or slow cooker stuff (chili!) and fun assembly meals like burritos, grilled cheese, pizza with a pre-cooked shell, etc. Does he like to cook anything? Do you have a grill? He may feel like he's been tossed into the deep end of the pool. There appears to be an ultimatum (we HAVE to eat at home and I am NOT doing all the cooking) and making sure that's a real-feeling thing for him and not just (I hate this so I will sabotage my cooking unknowingly) situation.
2. Atmosphere: On that note, be very mindful of how you are interacting with him over all this. You sound frustrated. I would be too. I have been paired with non-cooking people before who would just not be able to manage to get a meal on the table. Its a pain. That said, anxious people can really be sensitive to people breathing down their neck or negatively judging them. Make sure you're trying to make this a positive experience for him, if at all possible (and if not, I agree with the other commenters, just leave the house). Is it possible that you move from you cooking all the meals to something where you maybe read a book in the kitchen and can give him occasional advice but he's ultimately responsible for the meal. Or is there another way to balance the household work that would work for you? You can pre-cook meat and pre-cut vegetables (maybe on a day when you are making a meal) and he can put it all together day-of?
3. Anxiety: No one should be shouting at a pot of water. He needs to manage his anxiety better. maybe he is but you didn't mention it. Med, therapy, intensive exercise, better eating, mindfulness, there are a lot of options, but this is a thing that needs to happen and it's worth some introspection to see if some of your interactions may be making this worse-not-better.
posted by jessamyn at 6:17 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
1. Managing expectations: I agree with other people that having lower-key meals be the expectations early on will help. Maybe use easy meats like ground hamburger or having some ready-to-go meats like easily grillable chicken breasts (or even deli meats for sandwiches) would be helpful. Meat isn't easy and there are a lot of ways to have healthy meals that are simpler to cook. I think pasta dishes (baked ones that are assembly but come out well like lasagna) and hearty soups and stews or slow cooker stuff (chili!) and fun assembly meals like burritos, grilled cheese, pizza with a pre-cooked shell, etc. Does he like to cook anything? Do you have a grill? He may feel like he's been tossed into the deep end of the pool. There appears to be an ultimatum (we HAVE to eat at home and I am NOT doing all the cooking) and making sure that's a real-feeling thing for him and not just (I hate this so I will sabotage my cooking unknowingly) situation.
2. Atmosphere: On that note, be very mindful of how you are interacting with him over all this. You sound frustrated. I would be too. I have been paired with non-cooking people before who would just not be able to manage to get a meal on the table. Its a pain. That said, anxious people can really be sensitive to people breathing down their neck or negatively judging them. Make sure you're trying to make this a positive experience for him, if at all possible (and if not, I agree with the other commenters, just leave the house). Is it possible that you move from you cooking all the meals to something where you maybe read a book in the kitchen and can give him occasional advice but he's ultimately responsible for the meal. Or is there another way to balance the household work that would work for you? You can pre-cook meat and pre-cut vegetables (maybe on a day when you are making a meal) and he can put it all together day-of?
3. Anxiety: No one should be shouting at a pot of water. He needs to manage his anxiety better. maybe he is but you didn't mention it. Med, therapy, intensive exercise, better eating, mindfulness, there are a lot of options, but this is a thing that needs to happen and it's worth some introspection to see if some of your interactions may be making this worse-not-better.
posted by jessamyn at 6:17 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
I was/am an anxious cool. Practice is hugely helpful, as is developing a slight "so what?" attitude when it comes to potentially ruining a nice meal and having to replace it with soup and sandwiches or pizza.
I also think of cooking, especially baking, as a way I show love. Not everyone loves cooking and that's okay. I don't love doing laundry or cleaning the bathroom but those are some I show love towards my husband. And it's empowering to learn a new skill, especially when it means no longer having to rely on other people for help.
Also, it's just good practice, but encourage him to read the entire recipe from start to finish first and get out all of the tools and ingredients ahead of time. My husband keeps feeling frustrated when the recipe says to chop up onions, spinach, and carrots, he chops them all up and puts them in different bowls, then realizes they all get combined immediately so he could have just tossed them all in the same bowl. And it really sucks when you get halfway through a recipe and realize you don't have ginger or something imperative.
I cook a lot of vegetarian meals because I don't want to worry about ruining the meat or undercooking it and I'm cheap.
If there's a technique he doesn't know, that's what YouTube is for.
posted by kat518 at 6:22 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
I also think of cooking, especially baking, as a way I show love. Not everyone loves cooking and that's okay. I don't love doing laundry or cleaning the bathroom but those are some I show love towards my husband. And it's empowering to learn a new skill, especially when it means no longer having to rely on other people for help.
Also, it's just good practice, but encourage him to read the entire recipe from start to finish first and get out all of the tools and ingredients ahead of time. My husband keeps feeling frustrated when the recipe says to chop up onions, spinach, and carrots, he chops them all up and puts them in different bowls, then realizes they all get combined immediately so he could have just tossed them all in the same bowl. And it really sucks when you get halfway through a recipe and realize you don't have ginger or something imperative.
I cook a lot of vegetarian meals because I don't want to worry about ruining the meat or undercooking it and I'm cheap.
If there's a technique he doesn't know, that's what YouTube is for.
posted by kat518 at 6:22 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
I am a moderately anxious cook. There's already a lot of good advice above, but the things I've found particularly helpful are:
- nobody else in the kitchen while I'm cooking. I can't process conversation or the feeling someone is watching what I'm doing while I'm doing it.
- clear recipe that I understand, and that I already have the ingredients for. Delia Smith is good, I also like Jamie Oliver's recipes.
- ideally, recipes that don't need a lot of judgement - ie things where I can just chop stuff up, put it in a dish and put that in the oven - tray bakes, casseroles, etc. It is really hard to do these badly wrong if you just follow the timing instructions.
- accepting that if I do a recipe for the first time, I probably will be a bit anxious, and probably won't sequence things optimally. Once I've done something a couple of times that reduces and I feel like I get a more intuitive understanding of which jobs to start when.
posted by crocomancer at 6:29 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
- nobody else in the kitchen while I'm cooking. I can't process conversation or the feeling someone is watching what I'm doing while I'm doing it.
- clear recipe that I understand, and that I already have the ingredients for. Delia Smith is good, I also like Jamie Oliver's recipes.
- ideally, recipes that don't need a lot of judgement - ie things where I can just chop stuff up, put it in a dish and put that in the oven - tray bakes, casseroles, etc. It is really hard to do these badly wrong if you just follow the timing instructions.
- accepting that if I do a recipe for the first time, I probably will be a bit anxious, and probably won't sequence things optimally. Once I've done something a couple of times that reduces and I feel like I get a more intuitive understanding of which jobs to start when.
posted by crocomancer at 6:29 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
I used to be a nervous cook, probably stemming from the fact that I was a picky eater growing up and not very interested in cooking. Then as I got older I lived with some roommates who would hover and question my food choices and methods which made me second guess myself and added to my anxiety. What really helped me was cooking by myself, alone. I remember one winter break from college where I had the shared house all to myself. I watched a cooking show that focused on Italian cooking (which I was super interested in at the time because I was planning on studying in Italy the following year) and tried somethings out without anyone breathing down my neck. Not only did it not make me anxious, it actually helped relieve some unrelated anxiety in my life because I was nurturing myself through the act of making myself some yummy food. Also, reading a few cook books without actually doing all the recipes helped me as well.
posted by Shadow Boxer at 6:31 AM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Shadow Boxer at 6:31 AM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I think the NYT cooking techniques videos are really good.
posted by neroli at 6:55 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by neroli at 6:55 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Yeah, I think this much anxiety needs some treatment too. This is coming from someone who is a weirdo about cooking meat too.
Once some sort of treatment has been set or until treatment is set:
1) Get a meat thermometer. A nice digital one that you know is working. Test it too. That way you'll know the meat is cooked properly.
2) Don't be afraid to cut open the meat to test. Who cares is a larger steak is now two, it's just for you guys and I like to see that it's cooked the way I like.
3) Try non-meat meals or pre-cooked meat meals. Lots of good grains, nuts, veggies, tofu, etc.
posted by Crystalinne at 7:05 AM on March 11, 2015
Once some sort of treatment has been set or until treatment is set:
1) Get a meat thermometer. A nice digital one that you know is working. Test it too. That way you'll know the meat is cooked properly.
2) Don't be afraid to cut open the meat to test. Who cares is a larger steak is now two, it's just for you guys and I like to see that it's cooked the way I like.
3) Try non-meat meals or pre-cooked meat meals. Lots of good grains, nuts, veggies, tofu, etc.
posted by Crystalinne at 7:05 AM on March 11, 2015
Best answer: Oh, wow, yeah, I am your husband. I have unmanageable anxiety, I melt down at the slightest indication that something might be burning, boiling over, or being forgotten. Making pasta gives me panic attacks. (Not hyperbole. This is an actual thing that has happened.)
To echo others, I think
1. He needs to work on his anxiety (and perfectionism, self-blame, etc etc) generally. I imagine this is symptomatic of a larger problem and even if cooking is the primary outlet for it, it's worth dealing with on a higher order level.
2. Scale down your expectations. If all he can make is plain pasta with frozen broccoli and then you put butter on it, that's okay, that's what you'll have for dinner. I wonder if your idea of what "proper dinner" is may be getting in the way of him developing confidence. My partner can grind spices, marinate meat, and julienne vegetables, but I can't. If I thought I had to do that to make sure we had food, I would be a mess. So we have fancy grown-up dinner when my partner cooks, and we have easy toddler style dinner when I cook and that's okay.
3. Break recipes into pieces. Turns out I can grind spices, marinate meat, and julienne vegetables, but I can't do it on the same day as making the meal. Those are all separate steps and I have to spread them out to avoid getting overwhelmed. So, Monday I marinate the meat, and Tuesday I julienne vegetables, and Wednesday I actually make dinner. Having everything in little prep bowls is super helpful.
4. Can he can identify exactly what he finds stressful, so you can work on coming up with techniques to help his stress? For example, I get overwhelmed reading recipes--so many steps! So for me, it helps to write out the recipe on a whiteboard, or notebook, or app, and then check off the steps I do them. That makes it manageable. If there are things that he can come up with to make the tasks seem smaller and more approachable, it's worth figuring those out.
Good luck, I feel for you.
posted by epanalepsis at 7:10 AM on March 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
To echo others, I think
1. He needs to work on his anxiety (and perfectionism, self-blame, etc etc) generally. I imagine this is symptomatic of a larger problem and even if cooking is the primary outlet for it, it's worth dealing with on a higher order level.
2. Scale down your expectations. If all he can make is plain pasta with frozen broccoli and then you put butter on it, that's okay, that's what you'll have for dinner. I wonder if your idea of what "proper dinner" is may be getting in the way of him developing confidence. My partner can grind spices, marinate meat, and julienne vegetables, but I can't. If I thought I had to do that to make sure we had food, I would be a mess. So we have fancy grown-up dinner when my partner cooks, and we have easy toddler style dinner when I cook and that's okay.
3. Break recipes into pieces. Turns out I can grind spices, marinate meat, and julienne vegetables, but I can't do it on the same day as making the meal. Those are all separate steps and I have to spread them out to avoid getting overwhelmed. So, Monday I marinate the meat, and Tuesday I julienne vegetables, and Wednesday I actually make dinner. Having everything in little prep bowls is super helpful.
4. Can he can identify exactly what he finds stressful, so you can work on coming up with techniques to help his stress? For example, I get overwhelmed reading recipes--so many steps! So for me, it helps to write out the recipe on a whiteboard, or notebook, or app, and then check off the steps I do them. That makes it manageable. If there are things that he can come up with to make the tasks seem smaller and more approachable, it's worth figuring those out.
Good luck, I feel for you.
posted by epanalepsis at 7:10 AM on March 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
I was a terribly anxious cook until I moved out on my own and there was no pressure to make it good for anyone else. I started really simple.
Baking and roasting were perfect for easing my anxiety, which stemmed from "oh my god everything is happening at once and I'm going to ruin something." I marinade a piece of meat, stick it in the oven, set a timer and go watch TV for a bit. Check it with a thermometer, and presto, done. Enchiladas are super easy - put some chicken in a slow cooker with salsa, scoop that into tortillas, roll 'em up, put some cheese on top, bake.
You can also roast vegetables, of course, but for a really easy option, get one of those steamer bags that go in the microwave. Or just make a salad.
Panini makers/indoor grills are awesome for anxious cooks because you just put a bunch of stuff on it and close the lid. Stir fries are just putting a bunch of stuff in a pan/wok, adding sauce and stirring. No other pots to keep track of.
He probably wants to impress you with something complicated, so encourage him to keep it simple, and whatever he comes up with, do not ever act disappointed. In fact, I would not offer any advice or constructive criticism unless he specifically asks for it.
posted by desjardins at 7:11 AM on March 11, 2015
Baking and roasting were perfect for easing my anxiety, which stemmed from "oh my god everything is happening at once and I'm going to ruin something." I marinade a piece of meat, stick it in the oven, set a timer and go watch TV for a bit. Check it with a thermometer, and presto, done. Enchiladas are super easy - put some chicken in a slow cooker with salsa, scoop that into tortillas, roll 'em up, put some cheese on top, bake.
You can also roast vegetables, of course, but for a really easy option, get one of those steamer bags that go in the microwave. Or just make a salad.
Panini makers/indoor grills are awesome for anxious cooks because you just put a bunch of stuff on it and close the lid. Stir fries are just putting a bunch of stuff in a pan/wok, adding sauce and stirring. No other pots to keep track of.
He probably wants to impress you with something complicated, so encourage him to keep it simple, and whatever he comes up with, do not ever act disappointed. In fact, I would not offer any advice or constructive criticism unless he specifically asks for it.
posted by desjardins at 7:11 AM on March 11, 2015
Have them pick one dish to master. Something simple, that doesn't involve a lot of meat, I'd pick a pasta with a simple sauce or a stir fry. Maybe get them to master a few side dishes first. The thing is get them to master that one dish, before moving on. Build their confidence, make that their dish, Making the same dish over and over will let them learn where the tools are and build confidence etc. A new recipe every time is a recipe for disaster, he'll maybe get them to watch you make it one time, then you help them a time or two, then you slowly fade out. Throwing a new cook on the deep end with a new dish every time they cook is just asking for overload.
Oh and remember grilled cheese or breakfast dishefor dinner is allowed. Breakfast foods are how I got my husband cooking.
posted by wwax at 7:12 AM on March 11, 2015
Oh and remember grilled cheese or breakfast dishefor dinner is allowed. Breakfast foods are how I got my husband cooking.
posted by wwax at 7:12 AM on March 11, 2015
A shorter version of what I said above: find recipes that are "Put stuff in/on [pot/pan/sheet]. Put [pot/pan/sheet] in oven/on stove. Set timer and go watch TV. Come back and put stuff on plate. Eat." Don't use recipes that he has to babysit.
posted by desjardins at 7:15 AM on March 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by desjardins at 7:15 AM on March 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
I hate cooking when I have too many things happening at the same time. The inability to walk away from something in case it burns is hard for me. My favorite recipes are things that go in one pot or a centred around baking. That way there is very little last minute timing to bring it all together. So I recommend
stews (I use a pressure cooker to reduce time)
roast chickens with all the veggies in the pan
Meat pies or quiche
All can be done over a long period of time with lots of time to take breaks or get out of the hot kitchen. It may be helpful to give him some time on the weekend or an evening to cook things for leftovers, like sauces, casseroles, etc.
posted by Gor-ella at 7:17 AM on March 11, 2015
stews (I use a pressure cooker to reduce time)
roast chickens with all the veggies in the pan
Meat pies or quiche
All can be done over a long period of time with lots of time to take breaks or get out of the hot kitchen. It may be helpful to give him some time on the weekend or an evening to cook things for leftovers, like sauces, casseroles, etc.
posted by Gor-ella at 7:17 AM on March 11, 2015
Best answer: I love the Cooks Illustrated magazine (and America's Test Kitchen) stuff for learning the science behind why certain dishes turn out the way they do, and why some recipes/techniques turn out better than others. But that's more food nerdery than practical cooking advice.
What about taking some cooking classes together? Working with food of any sort, under the eye of an experienced chef/instructor, can be invaluable when it comes to gaining confidence in the kitchen.
He should also learn the fundamental cooking order of operations: start with a clean kitchen, read the entire recipe through, gather tools and ingredients, read instructions one more time, start cooking - cleaning (at least wiping counters, and putting dirty things in the sink/in a big bowl) as you go.
Finally, sometimes recipes turn out terribly. For a whole host of reasons, only some of which are 'you did it wrong.' Get over it. Order pizza. Eat the canned soup. Try again tomorrow.
posted by jennyweed at 7:27 AM on March 11, 2015
What about taking some cooking classes together? Working with food of any sort, under the eye of an experienced chef/instructor, can be invaluable when it comes to gaining confidence in the kitchen.
He should also learn the fundamental cooking order of operations: start with a clean kitchen, read the entire recipe through, gather tools and ingredients, read instructions one more time, start cooking - cleaning (at least wiping counters, and putting dirty things in the sink/in a big bowl) as you go.
Finally, sometimes recipes turn out terribly. For a whole host of reasons, only some of which are 'you did it wrong.' Get over it. Order pizza. Eat the canned soup. Try again tomorrow.
posted by jennyweed at 7:27 AM on March 11, 2015
Best answer: I do the bulk of the cooking in our house, but I really love to cook, so I don't mind that most of it falls on me. However!
One time, my boyfriend really wanted to cook, and I came home after work and he was in the middle of a panic attack over making fajitas. Apparently, the store was out of fresh corn, so he was using frozen, and it was too much, then the meat still hadn't defrosted, etc. etc. One little thing led to another, and I walked into a huge mess.
Anyway, we sorted that one out--I think I divided it into two meals, and we managed, but it was not fun. Afterward, we started watching Good Eats together, and I bought a slow cooker cookbook. We also cooked together more, I'd tell him I needed a hand and ask him to clean vegetables or grate cheese for me. You know, easy stuff that needs to get done. Cooking together really did seem to help.
He's more comfortable in the kitchen, now, and when he does get nervous, I remind him of the time I under-cooked a pork roast when I first tried cooking for the two of us together. Meat's still kind of tricky for me! No big deal, it happens, we all have things that are easier for us to cook than others. And there are nights where I'm like, "No, we're having spaghetti and red sauce because I can make that in my sleep", and that's perfectly fine!
posted by PearlRose at 7:30 AM on March 11, 2015
One time, my boyfriend really wanted to cook, and I came home after work and he was in the middle of a panic attack over making fajitas. Apparently, the store was out of fresh corn, so he was using frozen, and it was too much, then the meat still hadn't defrosted, etc. etc. One little thing led to another, and I walked into a huge mess.
Anyway, we sorted that one out--I think I divided it into two meals, and we managed, but it was not fun. Afterward, we started watching Good Eats together, and I bought a slow cooker cookbook. We also cooked together more, I'd tell him I needed a hand and ask him to clean vegetables or grate cheese for me. You know, easy stuff that needs to get done. Cooking together really did seem to help.
He's more comfortable in the kitchen, now, and when he does get nervous, I remind him of the time I under-cooked a pork roast when I first tried cooking for the two of us together. Meat's still kind of tricky for me! No big deal, it happens, we all have things that are easier for us to cook than others. And there are nights where I'm like, "No, we're having spaghetti and red sauce because I can make that in my sleep", and that's perfectly fine!
posted by PearlRose at 7:30 AM on March 11, 2015
Best answer: I also have some anxiety about cooking, and my favorite cooking blog is Budget Bytes. The recipes here are designed for absolute beginners. There are step-by-step instructions with photos, including notes along the lines of"after you do this step, it should look like this picture; if it looks different, try this". Beth, the blogger, takes very little for granted about your cooking abilities, and will walk through things like how to chop a vegetable in order to get the right sized pieces. There is a vegetarian section if he wants to start with recipes that don't have meat.
posted by capricorn at 7:32 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by capricorn at 7:32 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Seconding Budget Bytes. Every time I make something from that site, my partner is full of compliments and the recipes are super-easy to follow.
Now, I am actually a good cook but if I am very stressed about something I get really, really antsy about cooking. Big deadline looming? I cannot even boil pasta. Lots of work to do over the next week? It's pizza time and somebody else better get them suckers out of the oven. We've learned to deal. So, it's not the cooking that is the issue, it's something else in my world. Maybe it's the same with your partner?
posted by kariebookish at 7:54 AM on March 11, 2015
Now, I am actually a good cook but if I am very stressed about something I get really, really antsy about cooking. Big deadline looming? I cannot even boil pasta. Lots of work to do over the next week? It's pizza time and somebody else better get them suckers out of the oven. We've learned to deal. So, it's not the cooking that is the issue, it's something else in my world. Maybe it's the same with your partner?
posted by kariebookish at 7:54 AM on March 11, 2015
Best answer: Are you me, time-traveling from last year? Blink twice for yes.
My husband almost started a podcast called "The Nervous Chef" to document his learning to cook at nearly 40, except realized nobody wanted to watch him be that anxious.
The eventual solution was Blue Apron. They send the ingredients, you only have to have olive oil, salt, and pepper plus basic kitchen equipment (fanciest requirement is a vegetable peeler). If the recipe needs incidentals like a quarter cup of panko and two tablespoons of soy sauce, it comes with those things pre-portioned. The recipes are (with the exception of the very rare typo or missed step) simple, followable, with photographs on the page and videos on the site for techniques that might be unfamiliar (like dicing an onion, or searing steak). They're all ~700 calories per person, often use interesting carbs rather than simple starches (freekah, barley, black rice, etc), and really generally very good. We have both been exposed to things we probably wouldn't have sought out to cook or eat (congee, different fishes, unfamiliar spices, kale) and now have in our regular rotation.
It's a little expensive ($20 per meal for 2, $60 per weekly delivery), but it requires basically no knowledge of food except being able to recognize ingredients by comparing them to a photograph.
When we first started, I did have to review the recipe and tell him what pans to use, and every once in a while he will come ask me to tell him if something qualifies as "browned" yet, and I otherwise stay out of the kitchen because I will stand over him and micromanage his extremely inefficient cutting, but over the past year, he has stopped needing to ask me more than maybe 1 question a week (usually a pretty good one, too, like I would have the same question based on the instructions), and it now takes him less than an hour to do 15-20 minutes of prep. He very rarely screams and throws things anymore. He's asked about finding some simple recipes so he can start learning to make a list and shop and make a recipe from scratch*.
*Until a fairly advanced age, he thought "scratch" was an ingredient.
I've been working a little late recently, and several times I have intended to make dinner myself only to realize it's already 7:30 and I smell food that's nearly ready. I've seriously nearly cried.
We're going to try out Plan To Eat for the next few weeks, with me doing most of the planning at first, to see if we can wean off Blue Apron most of the time. BA doesn't make leftovers, which irritates me, and I think we could eat as well (if maybe not quite as varied) for less.
Oh, the meat problem? There's a bag of frozen meatballs in the freezer. If you burn the meat, you microwave a plate of meatballs and move on with your life, ffs, everybody burns something sometimes, and you probably should go ahead and burn something to get it over with. (We've never needed the meatballs.)
posted by Lyn Never at 8:11 AM on March 11, 2015 [7 favorites]
My husband almost started a podcast called "The Nervous Chef" to document his learning to cook at nearly 40, except realized nobody wanted to watch him be that anxious.
The eventual solution was Blue Apron. They send the ingredients, you only have to have olive oil, salt, and pepper plus basic kitchen equipment (fanciest requirement is a vegetable peeler). If the recipe needs incidentals like a quarter cup of panko and two tablespoons of soy sauce, it comes with those things pre-portioned. The recipes are (with the exception of the very rare typo or missed step) simple, followable, with photographs on the page and videos on the site for techniques that might be unfamiliar (like dicing an onion, or searing steak). They're all ~700 calories per person, often use interesting carbs rather than simple starches (freekah, barley, black rice, etc), and really generally very good. We have both been exposed to things we probably wouldn't have sought out to cook or eat (congee, different fishes, unfamiliar spices, kale) and now have in our regular rotation.
It's a little expensive ($20 per meal for 2, $60 per weekly delivery), but it requires basically no knowledge of food except being able to recognize ingredients by comparing them to a photograph.
When we first started, I did have to review the recipe and tell him what pans to use, and every once in a while he will come ask me to tell him if something qualifies as "browned" yet, and I otherwise stay out of the kitchen because I will stand over him and micromanage his extremely inefficient cutting, but over the past year, he has stopped needing to ask me more than maybe 1 question a week (usually a pretty good one, too, like I would have the same question based on the instructions), and it now takes him less than an hour to do 15-20 minutes of prep. He very rarely screams and throws things anymore. He's asked about finding some simple recipes so he can start learning to make a list and shop and make a recipe from scratch*.
*Until a fairly advanced age, he thought "scratch" was an ingredient.
I've been working a little late recently, and several times I have intended to make dinner myself only to realize it's already 7:30 and I smell food that's nearly ready. I've seriously nearly cried.
We're going to try out Plan To Eat for the next few weeks, with me doing most of the planning at first, to see if we can wean off Blue Apron most of the time. BA doesn't make leftovers, which irritates me, and I think we could eat as well (if maybe not quite as varied) for less.
Oh, the meat problem? There's a bag of frozen meatballs in the freezer. If you burn the meat, you microwave a plate of meatballs and move on with your life, ffs, everybody burns something sometimes, and you probably should go ahead and burn something to get it over with. (We've never needed the meatballs.)
posted by Lyn Never at 8:11 AM on March 11, 2015 [7 favorites]
I used to be a nervous cook, too. I attribute it to a couple of things: one, growing up, it was not allowed to Waste Food OMG!, so if something turned out wrong, we still had to eat it unless it was actually poisonous (and I swear, sometimes even then!). There was no "well, this didn't turn out as expected, so let's just have hot dogs/order a pizza." It made me gun-shy about anything that wasn't tried and true (even though I took home ec in high school).
Two, there were times in my adult life when I was so broke that if I cooked something and it turned out inedible, it meant ramen for the next few days.
Cooking only for myself and having more wiggle room in my budget got me over those hurdles. Getting over my childhood conditioning of Don't Waste Food! was pretty easy, but when I was on a super-tight budget and had little/no wiggle room for backup meals, I cooked simpler food - often vegetarian - which was harder to screw up. I think the advice to keep it simple is excellent. You also want to reassure your husband that it's OK to screw up, and if that happens, we'll just eat something else tonight. Don't micromanage unless you think he's going to start a fire or ruin something that will be expensive to replace.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 8:47 AM on March 11, 2015
Two, there were times in my adult life when I was so broke that if I cooked something and it turned out inedible, it meant ramen for the next few days.
Cooking only for myself and having more wiggle room in my budget got me over those hurdles. Getting over my childhood conditioning of Don't Waste Food! was pretty easy, but when I was on a super-tight budget and had little/no wiggle room for backup meals, I cooked simpler food - often vegetarian - which was harder to screw up. I think the advice to keep it simple is excellent. You also want to reassure your husband that it's OK to screw up, and if that happens, we'll just eat something else tonight. Don't micromanage unless you think he's going to start a fire or ruin something that will be expensive to replace.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 8:47 AM on March 11, 2015
Suggest sandwiches for dinner or cereal or something equally "plate and serve." Leave the house when he is cooking. If he doesn't try to upgrade is skills in a couple of weeks, suggest pasta and sauce (heat, plate, and serve meals). Continue to leave the house when he is cooking.
Also, asking him if there is anything he enjoys about cooking? He should try to find things that incorporates more of what he actually enjoys about it.
Answer to a slightly different question: My partner and I do not split individual chores 50/50 because there are things each of us just hates to do. We still split the work 50/50. So for example, I don't like doing the dishes, so I cook and he always does the dishes. Might want to revisit the 50/50 split until husband is more comfortable/wants to do it.
posted by CMcG at 9:14 AM on March 11, 2015
Also, asking him if there is anything he enjoys about cooking? He should try to find things that incorporates more of what he actually enjoys about it.
Answer to a slightly different question: My partner and I do not split individual chores 50/50 because there are things each of us just hates to do. We still split the work 50/50. So for example, I don't like doing the dishes, so I cook and he always does the dishes. Might want to revisit the 50/50 split until husband is more comfortable/wants to do it.
posted by CMcG at 9:14 AM on March 11, 2015
This is not a total solution to your problem, but one way of working to lower the anxiety: before he even starts cooking the meal, work with him to make the back-up plan as explicit as possible. Maybe even develop your shopping lists to account for the backup.
The purpose of the back-up plan is to help one recognize that, no matter what, the world will not end. It's a safety net, a security blanket. But the vaguer the back-up plan, the less useful it is as a safety net. So, this isn't too useful: "If you burn the meat, don't worry! We'll do something else." It leaves open important questions like, what else? Where will this other food come from? Is that more that'll have to be prepared? How is that going to happen? What will happen to the ruined meat? And problems are exacerbated if you don't have on hand everything needed for the back-up meal: where will it come from?
Here's a more useful one: "If you burn the meat, don't worry! We have sandwich makings in the fridge, and we'll be able to make those quickly." Or: "If you burn the meat, don't worry! We saved up $30 so we could go buy burgers, just in case." Or: "If you burn the meat, don't worry! We bought that frozen meal, and all it needs is microwaving." Or: "If you burn the meat, don't worry! We specifically bought that roasted chicken to have tonight, if that happened, so we'll be okay." Before he starts cooking for the night, he can contemplate the back-up plan a bit: go over exactly what it is, what it requires, and how it will be just fine.
If he's not in a position to do even that, then... well, then that tells you something about the severity of his anxiety problems.
posted by meese at 9:28 AM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
The purpose of the back-up plan is to help one recognize that, no matter what, the world will not end. It's a safety net, a security blanket. But the vaguer the back-up plan, the less useful it is as a safety net. So, this isn't too useful: "If you burn the meat, don't worry! We'll do something else." It leaves open important questions like, what else? Where will this other food come from? Is that more that'll have to be prepared? How is that going to happen? What will happen to the ruined meat? And problems are exacerbated if you don't have on hand everything needed for the back-up meal: where will it come from?
Here's a more useful one: "If you burn the meat, don't worry! We have sandwich makings in the fridge, and we'll be able to make those quickly." Or: "If you burn the meat, don't worry! We saved up $30 so we could go buy burgers, just in case." Or: "If you burn the meat, don't worry! We bought that frozen meal, and all it needs is microwaving." Or: "If you burn the meat, don't worry! We specifically bought that roasted chicken to have tonight, if that happened, so we'll be okay." Before he starts cooking for the night, he can contemplate the back-up plan a bit: go over exactly what it is, what it requires, and how it will be just fine.
If he's not in a position to do even that, then... well, then that tells you something about the severity of his anxiety problems.
posted by meese at 9:28 AM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
I was a nervous cook, and I'm getting better. One of the things that helped me was figuring out 3 or 4 dishes that were not too complex and focusing on getting comfortable making those dishes. If he's nervous about meat, then you guys could figure out 4 vegetarian recipes. For a long time, since I wasn't cooking much, I thought it was always stressful. But once I realized that it was possible to feel relaxed, because I knew what I was doing, then it made it a lot easier to ride out the anxiety when dealing with a new recipe.
I also found Mark Bittman's book How to Cook Everthing: The Basics really helpful. As someone with no background in cooking, I had trouble with a lot of other cookbooks at the beginning, because they tend to say things like, "Saute the vegetables at a medium heat" and I had no idea what it meant to saute, or how to do it properly. Bittman explains everything that is assumed knowledge in a lot of other cookbooks, and he also put in a lot of explanatory pictures. So there are nice pictures of food, but most of the pictures are educational: what the sauteed vegetables should look like before you add the next ingredient; what the inside of an egg looks like after it's been cooked for 2 minutes, 3 minutes, 4 minutes, etc.; what a caramelized onion looks like; what various meats look like when they're under-cooked, just right, and over-cooked. It's been a really helpful book for me.
And, finally, once I started to get more comfortable in the kitchen cooking those dishes, it was (and still is) more relaxing for me to cook when no one else is around. That way I don't have to worry that I'm doing something incorrectly, and can just focus on doing what works for me.
posted by colfax at 9:29 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
I also found Mark Bittman's book How to Cook Everthing: The Basics really helpful. As someone with no background in cooking, I had trouble with a lot of other cookbooks at the beginning, because they tend to say things like, "Saute the vegetables at a medium heat" and I had no idea what it meant to saute, or how to do it properly. Bittman explains everything that is assumed knowledge in a lot of other cookbooks, and he also put in a lot of explanatory pictures. So there are nice pictures of food, but most of the pictures are educational: what the sauteed vegetables should look like before you add the next ingredient; what the inside of an egg looks like after it's been cooked for 2 minutes, 3 minutes, 4 minutes, etc.; what a caramelized onion looks like; what various meats look like when they're under-cooked, just right, and over-cooked. It's been a really helpful book for me.
And, finally, once I started to get more comfortable in the kitchen cooking those dishes, it was (and still is) more relaxing for me to cook when no one else is around. That way I don't have to worry that I'm doing something incorrectly, and can just focus on doing what works for me.
posted by colfax at 9:29 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
It sounds like this 5-minute video on making Chicken and Mushrooms would be perfect for your husband to try. It's super uncomplicated, yet involves a bit of technique. The narrator's tone is relaxed and friendly, and he includes lots of tips (e.g. "see how the oil is rippling right there? It's ready. It doesn't need to be smoking"). And the result is deliciously flavorful. It will help him feel like he's accomplished something in the kitchen.
Three other tips that might help:
- a meat thermometer takes the guesswork out of knowing when something is done
- mis en place (I find that I enjoy cooking more when I pre-measure/-chop all the ingraedients first, so that once I start cooking I can focus on that)
- Make step one pouring a glass of wine for the chef
posted by Short Attention Sp at 9:36 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Three other tips that might help:
- a meat thermometer takes the guesswork out of knowing when something is done
- mis en place (I find that I enjoy cooking more when I pre-measure/-chop all the ingraedients first, so that once I start cooking I can focus on that)
- Make step one pouring a glass of wine for the chef
posted by Short Attention Sp at 9:36 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I disagree with the therapy/meds recs above. If you grew up cooking or being exposed to cooking, you may not realize how confusing, frustrating, and insider-y it is. ("Cook till done"? Bite me!) Sure, there could be anxiety or anger issues on top of it, but I wouldn't jump to that conclusion.
Anyway, I second the "How to Cook Everything" rec in terms of the app, but there is an even easier, photo-filled Bittman book that I would recommend more: How to Cook Everything: The Basics (apparently there's an app for that, too, which I need to look into).
Also, Harold McGee's On Food and Cooking, to understand how things work.
posted by wintersweet at 10:54 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Anyway, I second the "How to Cook Everything" rec in terms of the app, but there is an even easier, photo-filled Bittman book that I would recommend more: How to Cook Everything: The Basics (apparently there's an app for that, too, which I need to look into).
Also, Harold McGee's On Food and Cooking, to understand how things work.
posted by wintersweet at 10:54 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
wait a second
Was he raised in a household where money or food was scarce? Or where he was criticized when he did not do things perfectly or quickly? Irrational anxiety comes from somewhere. Dealing with those issues may have a considerable positive impact. It may take a lot of reassurance that you have food in case something gets spoiled, that your budget can absorb some degree of food waste, and most importantly, that you will not criticize or get frustrated with any mistakes he makes.
posted by desjardins at 10:58 AM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Was he raised in a household where money or food was scarce? Or where he was criticized when he did not do things perfectly or quickly? Irrational anxiety comes from somewhere. Dealing with those issues may have a considerable positive impact. It may take a lot of reassurance that you have food in case something gets spoiled, that your budget can absorb some degree of food waste, and most importantly, that you will not criticize or get frustrated with any mistakes he makes.
posted by desjardins at 10:58 AM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
I came in here to suggest Budget Bytes also and see that a couple people already have. It would be helpful in this situation because aside from the recipes being presented in a very friendly step-by-step format with lots of pictures, the recipes are pretty cheap. So even if a dish gets messed up, it won't be a lot of money down the drain.
Also, if he doesn't do this already, he should start assisting you in the kitchen when you make stuff. I think this Autumn Medley recipe could be a good recipe for you two to make as a team - you could both peel and chop vegetables, and the sausage is pretty much impossible to screw up here. I've made that recipe a lot, and it's good. There are a lot of other good recipes there, depending on what sounds the least risky for him to try. It might help if you select recipes for him to start out with, keeping in mind his skill level, equipment you have on hand, and time constraints.
It might also be helpful if he goes grocery shopping with you so he can learn what everything looks like. He should learn how to select good produce and the right types of meat, and he can help put the stuff away when you get home so he knows where things are.
And even though you don't want canned soups or bagels, it might offer reassurance if you keep prepared non-perishable or frozen foods on hand just in case anything goes terribly wrong.
posted by bananana at 11:06 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Also, if he doesn't do this already, he should start assisting you in the kitchen when you make stuff. I think this Autumn Medley recipe could be a good recipe for you two to make as a team - you could both peel and chop vegetables, and the sausage is pretty much impossible to screw up here. I've made that recipe a lot, and it's good. There are a lot of other good recipes there, depending on what sounds the least risky for him to try. It might help if you select recipes for him to start out with, keeping in mind his skill level, equipment you have on hand, and time constraints.
It might also be helpful if he goes grocery shopping with you so he can learn what everything looks like. He should learn how to select good produce and the right types of meat, and he can help put the stuff away when you get home so he knows where things are.
And even though you don't want canned soups or bagels, it might offer reassurance if you keep prepared non-perishable or frozen foods on hand just in case anything goes terribly wrong.
posted by bananana at 11:06 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
If he does have food waste anxiety*, it may be educational to have him help clean out the fridge periodically. Because unless you have amazing fridge superpowers, you're probably throwing out at least a little uneaten food on a regular basis. Obviously we all want to minimize how much we do it, but I know my husband had a real horror of it until he actually saw that, yeah, we're already "wasting" food all the time.
*Which is a little bit different from Sitcom Mistake Anxiety regarding burned dinner or ruined souffles and stuff. I got us past this by pointing out all the times I'd had to improvise around a screwup or run out of something I thought I had. It actually takes a fairly serious disaster to make food *inedible*, and we've had our fair share of rubbery chicken and chewy fish and scrambled eggs for dinner, or dinner at 9pm because I forgot to turn on the oven or whatever. He was just so uninvested in the dinner-production process that it never registered, and in the end the worst case scenario is Pizza Hut, not actual death or anything.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:30 AM on March 11, 2015
*Which is a little bit different from Sitcom Mistake Anxiety regarding burned dinner or ruined souffles and stuff. I got us past this by pointing out all the times I'd had to improvise around a screwup or run out of something I thought I had. It actually takes a fairly serious disaster to make food *inedible*, and we've had our fair share of rubbery chicken and chewy fish and scrambled eggs for dinner, or dinner at 9pm because I forgot to turn on the oven or whatever. He was just so uninvested in the dinner-production process that it never registered, and in the end the worst case scenario is Pizza Hut, not actual death or anything.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:30 AM on March 11, 2015
I used to be a pretty nervous cook, and a lot of it in my case came from usually having someone (either my mom or my significant other) looking over my shoulder, checking for mistakes, and being annoyed when things got messed up. Now I really enjoy cooking, but that basically came from a lot of practice (and moving across the country from the two people who had been always looking over my shoulder, but that's another story).
In your case, some things I would suggest:
1. Have him stick to vegetarian meals for now.
2. Sit down together and pick out three meals that are both simple and appealing to you guys. Spend one week actually cooking them with your partner so he can learn the steps, figure out where the required tools are located (perhaps make a notation on the recipe), and then have those on regular rotation (i.e. Monday night is pasta night, Wednesday night is curry night, Friday night is soup and sandwiches, etc.). This will hopefully give him some confidence in repeating recipes, and once he gets good a few things, he can expand the variety if he likes.
3. Once you've done teaching week, stay out of the kitchen, period. My partner is not really a nervous cook, but he is sort of a "road rage-y" cook. I don't mean this in a a bad way, just that he's a lot more vocal about cooking frustration than me. At first I took this to mean that I needed to come running when he exclaimed (i.e. shouted) over a pot of water boiling over. Now I realize that when he's cooking I just do my own thing and ignore him/don't step in. He can always come get me if the house is literally burning down.
4. Don't criticize!
Some ideas for simple meals you might want to choose from (obviously you can write out more detailed directions for him):
1. Spaghetti and pasta sauce. You can add some bell pepper or fully cooked sausage (cut into coins) for more excitement. Salad from a bag w/ bottled dressing on the side.
2. Vegetarian curry. Cut up and saute vegetables, add a bottled curry sauce, stir in a can of chickpeas for protein. Boil in a bag or microwave rice on the side.
3. Soup and sandwich. Simple vegetable soup (cut up veggies and simmer in broth), pair with bread + fillings (cold cuts + cheese or pb&j or whatever you like).
4. Roasted vegetables over instant polenta. Cut up veg, roast, scoop over instant polenta. Top with an egg or beans for more protein if you like.
5. Vegetarian tacos. Heat up a can of black beans or refried beans and warm up tortillas in the microwave. Fill tortillas with beans + prepared toppings (things like lettuce from a bag, salsa from a jar, sour cream, pre-shredded cheese, etc. depending on your preferences).
Good luck!
posted by rainbowbrite at 11:34 AM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
In your case, some things I would suggest:
1. Have him stick to vegetarian meals for now.
2. Sit down together and pick out three meals that are both simple and appealing to you guys. Spend one week actually cooking them with your partner so he can learn the steps, figure out where the required tools are located (perhaps make a notation on the recipe), and then have those on regular rotation (i.e. Monday night is pasta night, Wednesday night is curry night, Friday night is soup and sandwiches, etc.). This will hopefully give him some confidence in repeating recipes, and once he gets good a few things, he can expand the variety if he likes.
3. Once you've done teaching week, stay out of the kitchen, period. My partner is not really a nervous cook, but he is sort of a "road rage-y" cook. I don't mean this in a a bad way, just that he's a lot more vocal about cooking frustration than me. At first I took this to mean that I needed to come running when he exclaimed (i.e. shouted) over a pot of water boiling over. Now I realize that when he's cooking I just do my own thing and ignore him/don't step in. He can always come get me if the house is literally burning down.
4. Don't criticize!
Some ideas for simple meals you might want to choose from (obviously you can write out more detailed directions for him):
1. Spaghetti and pasta sauce. You can add some bell pepper or fully cooked sausage (cut into coins) for more excitement. Salad from a bag w/ bottled dressing on the side.
2. Vegetarian curry. Cut up and saute vegetables, add a bottled curry sauce, stir in a can of chickpeas for protein. Boil in a bag or microwave rice on the side.
3. Soup and sandwich. Simple vegetable soup (cut up veggies and simmer in broth), pair with bread + fillings (cold cuts + cheese or pb&j or whatever you like).
4. Roasted vegetables over instant polenta. Cut up veg, roast, scoop over instant polenta. Top with an egg or beans for more protein if you like.
5. Vegetarian tacos. Heat up a can of black beans or refried beans and warm up tortillas in the microwave. Fill tortillas with beans + prepared toppings (things like lettuce from a bag, salsa from a jar, sour cream, pre-shredded cheese, etc. depending on your preferences).
Good luck!
posted by rainbowbrite at 11:34 AM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
It sounds like you two are trying to go from him never cooking ever to preparing a meal 3x a week. This is actually really hard to do if you’ve never cooked or only can cook one or two things. And it sounds like for some reason he feels his performance in the kitchen is high stakes. I would strongly suggest you lower the stakes by having him start assisting you with basic prep before moving onto more complex meals. There’s a lot of vocabulary to pick up very quickly in terms of ingredients and preparation and if you have to look up and learn 14 different words and chopping techniques to cook one meal you’re going to feel overwhelmed, it’s a lot easier to absorb this stuff one task at a time as you’re going through the week. Assisting you every night for a while until he starts to feel comfortable will do the following:
-introduce him to where things are kept in the kitchen
-get him used to what ingredients you actually have on hand
-get him used to the rhythm of cooking (pre prep ingredients etc.)
-get him used to techniques and concepts
-get some of the motor skills into his hands before he has to apply them on his own.
Cooking is skilled labor and if you didn’t grow up in a house where it was taught to you as you were growing and spent your young adulthood ordering takeout there’s a lot of catching up to do. A good training wheels operation would be to make him responsible for all the salads and vegetable chopping to start. If you want to shift mental planning labor onto him maybe he grabs some pre-prep stuff like some pre-seasoned meat or a heat it up A Healthy Grocery Store's pre-prepared dinner entree and he makes a salad to go along with it.
Speaking as someone who only had 3 recipes in my belt going into my engagement to my wife a year ago and just made a week’s worth of healthy recipes while she was out of commission with a back injury. Assisting really helps you level up in cooking in a non-stressful way and it makes it all feel more possible. Also have him help look up recipes for you two to make together etc.
Also Hannah Hart’s My Drunk Kitchen might make him feel better about any ambitious but failed attempts to produce edible food in the kitchen.
On preview rainbowbrite's suggestions for 3. Ignore the non-emergency vocalizations and 4. Don't criticize are also excellent.
posted by edbles at 11:47 AM on March 11, 2015
-introduce him to where things are kept in the kitchen
-get him used to what ingredients you actually have on hand
-get him used to the rhythm of cooking (pre prep ingredients etc.)
-get him used to techniques and concepts
-get some of the motor skills into his hands before he has to apply them on his own.
Cooking is skilled labor and if you didn’t grow up in a house where it was taught to you as you were growing and spent your young adulthood ordering takeout there’s a lot of catching up to do. A good training wheels operation would be to make him responsible for all the salads and vegetable chopping to start. If you want to shift mental planning labor onto him maybe he grabs some pre-prep stuff like some pre-seasoned meat or a heat it up A Healthy Grocery Store's pre-prepared dinner entree and he makes a salad to go along with it.
Speaking as someone who only had 3 recipes in my belt going into my engagement to my wife a year ago and just made a week’s worth of healthy recipes while she was out of commission with a back injury. Assisting really helps you level up in cooking in a non-stressful way and it makes it all feel more possible. Also have him help look up recipes for you two to make together etc.
Also Hannah Hart’s My Drunk Kitchen might make him feel better about any ambitious but failed attempts to produce edible food in the kitchen.
On preview rainbowbrite's suggestions for 3. Ignore the non-emergency vocalizations and 4. Don't criticize are also excellent.
posted by edbles at 11:47 AM on March 11, 2015
How about stuff he can prep the night before, when there is no pressure to have meal on the table in 30-60 mins? He can marinate meat overnight then stick in oven. Or cut up ingredients then put it all in the crockpot.
Most stress-free way of making meats, for me, is to boil it. Curries, stews, goulash, etc. While meat boils away, there is plenty of time to deal with veggies and starches.
Chili and simple one-pot dishes like jambalaya (Zatarain's mix is yummy!) are also easy.
posted by Neekee at 4:23 PM on March 11, 2015
Most stress-free way of making meats, for me, is to boil it. Curries, stews, goulash, etc. While meat boils away, there is plenty of time to deal with veggies and starches.
Chili and simple one-pot dishes like jambalaya (Zatarain's mix is yummy!) are also easy.
posted by Neekee at 4:23 PM on March 11, 2015
Response by poster: I'm still reading through the replies (thank you!!!) but wanted to comment that, yes, he is in therapy. No, he is not on anti-anxiety medication but that is a deliberate choice.
Was he raised in a household where money or food was scarce? Or where he was criticized when he did not do things perfectly or quickly?
Yes. And yes. We both realize that this plays a major part in the anxiety. But he is willing to and wants to work through the hang-ups that are held over from childhood.
posted by tippy at 4:59 PM on March 11, 2015
Was he raised in a household where money or food was scarce? Or where he was criticized when he did not do things perfectly or quickly?
Yes. And yes. We both realize that this plays a major part in the anxiety. But he is willing to and wants to work through the hang-ups that are held over from childhood.
posted by tippy at 4:59 PM on March 11, 2015
Tonight was my night for dinner as a surprise (one of those nights where we both worked late, & wife's grandma passed so we both felt like crashing but we still need to eat), so I gave my wife options: eggs, I can try to make some sort of vegetable fritters (the boldest option), cheese & crackers and some salads we had in the fridge, or I can go get takeout. We opted for cheese & crackers & chickpea salad (prepared from Costco) and tzatziki (also from costco), which I prepped and plated, but a year ago I would have been at a complete loss to offer anything beyond takeout. Now, once or twice a week, I try to cook a new recipe, and am pretty comfortable with taking over most meal prep. I made pancakes for the first time last weekend!
My path to cooking like an adult (explained previously ) had a jumpstart because my wife cooked basically every meal for the first 7 years of my post-college life, and then we lived apart for 18 months. I still had to eat, and cooking is a lot cheaper than daily takeout :)
If meat is scary, avoid meat. I cooked eggs or beans as protein for about a year without advancing to other meat, and then I did chicken breasts in the oven in some sort of sauce (who cares if I overcook, just don't undercook), and I still don't cook fish.
I sometimes will send my wife a recipe, and tell her I need to talk through it to make sure I understand the prep points-- this makes sure I have read the recipe completely, confirms I have the ingredients on hand, and sometimes my wife will say 'weekend only' if something seems like too big of a stretch. We also discuss which pot I'll use for different things, and I try to make sure I have all ingredients and a timeline ready before I start cooking.
We also critically discuss what we make. "Next time, if I caramelize the onions, it might add more depth of flavor" or "Next time, I need to pay attention and flip the pancakes sooner; maybe the pan was too hot?" We do this to pretty much all food we eat, so it's not weird to do it to something I've made, and it helps me the next time I make the same food or technique.
Also, have go-to options that are pretty simple. Tomato soup and cheese sandwiches (I've messed up grilled cheese in the past) are tasty, every night doesn't need to be gourmet. Roasting veggies is pretty easy (oil + salt + veggies on a pan in the oven hotter than I thought it should be), and you can make enough for a few meals if you want.
We cook together sometimes, but having my experienced-cook wife hovering while I'm trying to cook can sometimes be daunting or frustrating (although if I know we're making something together, it's fun! as long as I don't get stuck on drudgery while she takes over the fun bits).
Good luck to you & your husband! Cooking is more fun than I thought it was 2 years ago, and I like knowing I'm not a complete klutz in the kitchen.
posted by worstname at 8:03 PM on March 11, 2015
My path to cooking like an adult (explained previously ) had a jumpstart because my wife cooked basically every meal for the first 7 years of my post-college life, and then we lived apart for 18 months. I still had to eat, and cooking is a lot cheaper than daily takeout :)
If meat is scary, avoid meat. I cooked eggs or beans as protein for about a year without advancing to other meat, and then I did chicken breasts in the oven in some sort of sauce (who cares if I overcook, just don't undercook), and I still don't cook fish.
I sometimes will send my wife a recipe, and tell her I need to talk through it to make sure I understand the prep points-- this makes sure I have read the recipe completely, confirms I have the ingredients on hand, and sometimes my wife will say 'weekend only' if something seems like too big of a stretch. We also discuss which pot I'll use for different things, and I try to make sure I have all ingredients and a timeline ready before I start cooking.
We also critically discuss what we make. "Next time, if I caramelize the onions, it might add more depth of flavor" or "Next time, I need to pay attention and flip the pancakes sooner; maybe the pan was too hot?" We do this to pretty much all food we eat, so it's not weird to do it to something I've made, and it helps me the next time I make the same food or technique.
Also, have go-to options that are pretty simple. Tomato soup and cheese sandwiches (I've messed up grilled cheese in the past) are tasty, every night doesn't need to be gourmet. Roasting veggies is pretty easy (oil + salt + veggies on a pan in the oven hotter than I thought it should be), and you can make enough for a few meals if you want.
We cook together sometimes, but having my experienced-cook wife hovering while I'm trying to cook can sometimes be daunting or frustrating (although if I know we're making something together, it's fun! as long as I don't get stuck on drudgery while she takes over the fun bits).
Good luck to you & your husband! Cooking is more fun than I thought it was 2 years ago, and I like knowing I'm not a complete klutz in the kitchen.
posted by worstname at 8:03 PM on March 11, 2015
I like the idea of preparing the night before. Maybe after you've finished dinner your night, before washing up, you sit down with him and the recipe and work out what can be done that night. Marinate meat, cook rice, cut up veggies. And also, what equipment does he need, and where is it. Because there's no deadline, the whole thing will be much less anxiety inducing.
Stick to easy meals that he likes. Be OK with repetition. My family ate nachos every Wednesday for years, because that's what my brother cooked on his cooking day.
Also, choose meals that are forgiving with timing. Pizza, for example. It's edible both slightly undercooked and also slightly extra charcoaled. Soup or chili. Stirfries are not friendly to the anxious.
posted by kjs4 at 12:18 AM on March 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
Stick to easy meals that he likes. Be OK with repetition. My family ate nachos every Wednesday for years, because that's what my brother cooked on his cooking day.
Also, choose meals that are forgiving with timing. Pizza, for example. It's edible both slightly undercooked and also slightly extra charcoaled. Soup or chili. Stirfries are not friendly to the anxious.
posted by kjs4 at 12:18 AM on March 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
I once read a cookbook by some really arrogant French chef, where he gave some sound advice: as a home cook, don't spend a lot of time trying to learn dozens of dishes. Learn one, and always cook that.
I think the chef exaggerated, but in my early cooking days I followed his advice in the sense that I learnt a small handful of simple dishes and cooked those in rotation combined with first my roomies, and later my husband cooking some other dishes and some days where we just had spagetti with butter and parmesan cheese. At the time, my husband was a better and more adventurous cook, so we had lots of variation on his days.
Later on - I started reading more books and tried out more complicated things during the weekend. From this I learnt a lot of "tricks" that I could use for everyday cooking.
My first staple dish was slow-cooked brisket. Served with potatoes. Very simple and tasty, I still do it, but I have now advanced to making mashed potatoes.
Strangely, my second simple dish was fish-balls, made from scratch. Looks complicated for a starter, but it worked for me. Till I smashed the blender, trying and failing to make hummus.
And thirdly, a vegetarian pastasauce.
But I guess the actual dishes were secondary to the concept of sticking to a few nice dishes for the first year or so, until you are confident.
posted by mumimor at 5:27 AM on March 12, 2015
I think the chef exaggerated, but in my early cooking days I followed his advice in the sense that I learnt a small handful of simple dishes and cooked those in rotation combined with first my roomies, and later my husband cooking some other dishes and some days where we just had spagetti with butter and parmesan cheese. At the time, my husband was a better and more adventurous cook, so we had lots of variation on his days.
Later on - I started reading more books and tried out more complicated things during the weekend. From this I learnt a lot of "tricks" that I could use for everyday cooking.
My first staple dish was slow-cooked brisket. Served with potatoes. Very simple and tasty, I still do it, but I have now advanced to making mashed potatoes.
Strangely, my second simple dish was fish-balls, made from scratch. Looks complicated for a starter, but it worked for me. Till I smashed the blender, trying and failing to make hummus.
And thirdly, a vegetarian pastasauce.
But I guess the actual dishes were secondary to the concept of sticking to a few nice dishes for the first year or so, until you are confident.
posted by mumimor at 5:27 AM on March 12, 2015
All of the advice above is excellent! I would like to garnish it with this: make the kitchen as pleasant a place to work in as possible. Obviously, it should always be clean and ready when you walk in, but what's the rest like?
What's the auditory background? Unstressful music at a low enough volume (definitely not the news) can help occupy the squirrel part of brain.
What is the lighting like? Can you change it? If it's fluorescent, kill it with fire like it's a crêpe Suzette. So stressful! Even and bright incandescent is good, but can flatten attention demands at an equally high level--try spot lighting on task spaces only. This will keep focus on the important areas while calming everything else.
posted by mimi at 6:08 AM on March 12, 2015
What's the auditory background? Unstressful music at a low enough volume (definitely not the news) can help occupy the squirrel part of brain.
What is the lighting like? Can you change it? If it's fluorescent, kill it with fire like it's a crêpe Suzette. So stressful! Even and bright incandescent is good, but can flatten attention demands at an equally high level--try spot lighting on task spaces only. This will keep focus on the important areas while calming everything else.
posted by mimi at 6:08 AM on March 12, 2015
And yeah, definitely don't go rescue him unless it's a physical emergency. Leave the house if you have to. I love love love to cook--but that's because I am good at it, having grown up cooking. Regardless, I can still feel performance anxiety if there's someone hovering and watching every move and judging. The only people allowed in my kitchen while I am cooking are those who can be perfectly happy and entertaining enjoying a glass of $beverage and some nuts and cheese, while perched on a stool out of my way.
posted by mimi at 6:11 AM on March 12, 2015
posted by mimi at 6:11 AM on March 12, 2015
Response by poster: Just a follow-up: We started implementing the suggestion of me leaving while he cooks almost immediately, to great success. The first night he cooked (spaghetti and meatsauce) I physically left the premises. I came home, and there was food! His second night of cooking (tacos), I went upstairs and told him to pretend I wasn't home. I took a nap, and when I woke up, there was food!
Another thing that has helped is that in the spirit of "the one who doesn't cook washes up", when he's cooking, I've gone in to the kitchen before him to prep the kitchen. I make sure everything is neat, and if I come across a tool or ingredient he will need for dinner, I leave it on the counter. I don't pull everything out for him, but having a couple things out already are a couple things he doesn't need to find. (NB - our kitchen isn't terribly cluttered or disorganized. He has some spatial issues and is absentminded; for instance, he still forgets where lightswitches are after living here for nearly a year.)
He's down with the flu right now, so the progress has halted, but we are both excited about all of the strategies and suggestions you shared to make him a more independent cook. Thank you!!!
posted by tippy at 4:13 AM on March 19, 2015 [8 favorites]
Another thing that has helped is that in the spirit of "the one who doesn't cook washes up", when he's cooking, I've gone in to the kitchen before him to prep the kitchen. I make sure everything is neat, and if I come across a tool or ingredient he will need for dinner, I leave it on the counter. I don't pull everything out for him, but having a couple things out already are a couple things he doesn't need to find. (NB - our kitchen isn't terribly cluttered or disorganized. He has some spatial issues and is absentminded; for instance, he still forgets where lightswitches are after living here for nearly a year.)
He's down with the flu right now, so the progress has halted, but we are both excited about all of the strategies and suggestions you shared to make him a more independent cook. Thank you!!!
posted by tippy at 4:13 AM on March 19, 2015 [8 favorites]
« Older Boyfriend acting strange after spending several... | Spotify alternative for buying mp3's? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
If he is the type who feels better with very detailed instructions then maybe the Cooking for Engineers website might be helpful.
posted by cantthinkofagoodname at 3:42 AM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]