He loves me but wants to be alone

February 17, 2015 5:20 PM

My long-term boyfriend suddenly asked for time alone. Keeps saying it's not me it's him but I'm upset and confused.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5+ years. We don't live together and only saw each other once a week but have always had a really trusting, stable relationship that still felt fresh in a good way. Anytime we fought (rarely...maybe once/year...it was something that objectively was my fault).

In the past few months he had been withdrawing from our relationship and when I pressed on it last weekend he admitted he had wanted some time appart for a while but was afraid to hurt my feelings. He said his life has changed a lot in the past few months (some good things and some not) and he feels like a different person and he needs to be as independent as possible. He told me he loved me and wanted to make it work but wanted to take a break so he could work on these issues.

This was last week. This week I pressed some more (probably shouldn't have, but I didn't understand why a break was needed when we already have pretty independent lives and I was honestly still in shock). That's when he told me that he felt like a clean break up was the best option :(

He said a few things...in addition to general life stuff (we are in slightly different stages with career/independence, he's starting out and i'm a few years in) he sounds really down on himself and doesn't see any of the good I see in him. He said that having me around would make him have to be really aware of who he is and he doesn't like himself. I guess he also feels guilty because he knows I want to be closer to him and he can't do that.

I'm upset because I want to help him - I feel like that's what you do for someone you love when they are down. I am willing to put aside my desire for a closer relationship to be there for him in whatever minimal way I can. I tried to tell him this would make me feel better to do but he insists he knows me and he can't see this working out in a way that doesn't end with me resenting him. He keeps stressing that he needs to work on his issues alone.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I care too much about him to abandon him but it seems like every time I try to take a baby step towards him he pushes me away even further. He told me he loved me last week and this week he doesn't want to see/hear from me again. How can both things be true?

posted by abbyyy to Human Relations (6 answers total)

This is a terrible situation to be in. He wants to break up with you, but he doesn't know how to do it like an adult. So he is leaving open the possibility, for you, that you might somehow solve this problem and figure out a way to stay together. In fact there is no way for you to solve this problem. He just thinks he is being a nice guy because he is not telling you that this is the end. He is being very careless with your feelings, but he is not perceptive enough to realize that he is being careless with your feelings.

I am sorry for the bad news, but he is telling you that he wants to break up with you. You should listen to him.
posted by Mr. Justice at 5:29 PM on February 17, 2015 [10 favorites]

You don't have to worry about abandoning him. He has abandoned you. He has broken up with you. I hate to sound mean or harsh, but you need to start by realizing that. When he told you he loved you last week, he was lying. Not to hurt you, perhaps, but it wasn't true. If he loved you, he'd still be with you. (And frankly, 5 years into a relationship, if he loved you he'd be seeing you more than once a week.) He does not want to be with you. Putting it into clear words, in your own head, will help you start to grieve and process the situation, and ultimately heal, move on and find a really great someone. So: your relationship with this guy is over, because he broke up with you.
posted by BlahLaLa at 5:35 PM on February 17, 2015 [2 favorites]

Thoughts:

-once a week for 5 years is kind of unusual.
-how old are you? The first relationship in young adulthood is always tough. It's a time in
life full of changes.
-let him go. The only way to get him to possibly miss you and come around is to be so badass that you just walk away cold turkey. Start dating other people even. Maybe he'll realize he made a mistake. Moping and needling him to share his feelings definitely won't work.
-a lot of young kind of lazy dudes really mean something like this: "I don't want to grow up yet. I don't want to be responsible and that includes a girlfriend who becomes a wife (or like a wife). Let me just be at my level and be young and stupid for a little longer."
-this really isn't about you. At all. He's right about that.
posted by quincunx at 5:37 PM on February 17, 2015 [2 favorites]

That's when he told me that he felt like a clean break up was the best option. :(

I am very, very sorry, but what you've written here says pretty plainly to me: your boyfriend wants to break up with you. Man, that sucks. It sucks and it hurts but so many of us have been there. It's a thing that happens. Breakups happen. Even to 5+ year mostly good relationships. I'm so sorry.

He told me he loved me last week and this week he doesn't want to see/hear from me again. How can both things be true?

I've been on both sides of this and yes, this can very much be true. Life is messy and complicated and relationships are messy and complicated, too. You can love someone and still know that on some level the relationship just isn't working for you. There doesn't have to be any particular reason. It can just be this nagging feeling in the back of your mind all the time NOT RIGHT NOT WORKING NOT RIGHT, but at the same time here's this person who's completely wonderful, who you're so fond of, who you care for so much. You just don't want to be in a relationship with them anymore. It sounds to me like this is where your boyfriend is.

I'm really sorry, but you need to take him at his word here and believe him. He is breaking up with you. In my experience the healthiest thing you can do is try to accept it and give him the space he needs. Let him know you're available if he's ready to talk again, but on your end it will be easiest if you pick up and move on. It sucks, but making it a clean break will help to protect your feelings.

Now would be a good time to buy a pint of Cherry Garcia, queue up some Veronica Mars, and Skype a good friend.

I'm sorry you're going through this. You'll be ok.
posted by phunniemee at 5:39 PM on February 17, 2015 [1 favorite]

He has broken up with you. He "fe[els] like a clean break up [is] the best option" and "he can't see this working out." You need to respect his decision. I'm sorry, this is a terribly difficult place to be in, but having been in a similar place before myself, your commitment to "not abandoning" him sounds like a rationalization for pushing yourself into his life post-breakup to try and salvage your relationship. Don't do that - it only leads to more hurt for everyone.

If you want, make it clear you will be receptive if he wants to get back in touch, but then leave him alone and try to move on with your life.
posted by Joey Buttafoucault at 5:43 PM on February 17, 2015 [2 favorites]

He told me he loved me last week and this week he doesn't want to see/hear from me again. How can both things be true?

I had a boyfriend break up with me 5 minutes after holding my hand, gazing into my eyes, and telling me he loved me (we were informally looking at rings earlier in the day and talking about where we would live once we married). I still don't understand it. And I have learned in the time since that we rarely get answers to the questions that plague us the most. I'm so sorry you're hurting, and I know you can't see it now, but it is so much better to break up than be with someone who doesn't want to be with you.
posted by cecic at 5:48 PM on February 17, 2015 [2 favorites]