Adultery 101
December 28, 2014 11:33 PM Subscribe
How to conduct an affair? And I don't want to hear from those who disapprove of adultery or think all life issues should involve therapy. It makes me appear unpleasant but hey, what's the point of anonymity?
I joined Metafilter last July when searching the Internet on how to survive a "breakup". I, a man, had befriended and fallen in love with a male friend. Despite all the Mefi advice to stay away from him, I didn't. While I was slowly getting used to the idea that we could maintain a friendship and hoping my burning desire to sleep with him would slowly fade, out of the nowhere came physical advances from him and we ended up making love. It was a magical moment. Now he wants us to be an item-on-the-side, while both being married. I am fine with that.
To be honest, I would rather not hear from Mefites who disapprove of adultery and think all problems should involve therapy. Also, no private mail please.
I am just curious to hear from those who have had the experience of conducting a marriage and an affair without the two overlapping, or without it leading to divorce. How long did it last (is it still), and how did it end (remained friends, got caught, etc)?
I joined Metafilter last July when searching the Internet on how to survive a "breakup". I, a man, had befriended and fallen in love with a male friend. Despite all the Mefi advice to stay away from him, I didn't. While I was slowly getting used to the idea that we could maintain a friendship and hoping my burning desire to sleep with him would slowly fade, out of the nowhere came physical advances from him and we ended up making love. It was a magical moment. Now he wants us to be an item-on-the-side, while both being married. I am fine with that.
To be honest, I would rather not hear from Mefites who disapprove of adultery and think all problems should involve therapy. Also, no private mail please.
I am just curious to hear from those who have had the experience of conducting a marriage and an affair without the two overlapping, or without it leading to divorce. How long did it last (is it still), and how did it end (remained friends, got caught, etc)?
This post was deleted for the following reason: Sorry, all. I thought this was asking for specific advice, but apparently it was actually a request for general chatting about the topic, which is against site guidelines. -- taz
If I'm remembering correctly from your past questions, you live in a non-Western country. I think that might really matter in this case, if the people you're interacting with (wife, male friend, other people who might see what you're doing) don't have quite the same cultural views of marriage and/or homosexuality that most Mefites do.
posted by needs more cowbell at 11:51 PM on December 28, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by needs more cowbell at 11:51 PM on December 28, 2014 [3 favorites]
How to conduct an affair?
Think about how sneaky you need to be.
Be twice as sneaky as that.
Burner phones, ghosted e-mail addresses, 'private browsing.' Don't leave a trail that needs to be cleaned up. If you want to go out (not recommended), pick a distant third city. Pay for things in cash. Planning is essential for success. The fewer people that know, the fewer can spill your secret.
Expect to get caught. Prepare for it to end.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 12:09 AM on December 29, 2014 [4 favorites]
Think about how sneaky you need to be.
Be twice as sneaky as that.
Burner phones, ghosted e-mail addresses, 'private browsing.' Don't leave a trail that needs to be cleaned up. If you want to go out (not recommended), pick a distant third city. Pay for things in cash. Planning is essential for success. The fewer people that know, the fewer can spill your secret.
Expect to get caught. Prepare for it to end.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 12:09 AM on December 29, 2014 [4 favorites]
Make sure you're protecting the sexual health of both the people you're sleeping with.
posted by Salamander at 1:18 AM on December 29, 2014 [18 favorites]
posted by Salamander at 1:18 AM on December 29, 2014 [18 favorites]
Maintain whatever status quo you have with your wife at the moment, eg, don't start/stop sexual relations with her, don't introduce new tricks that you've learnt in bed. Don't buy her flowers unexpectedly because you feel guilty. No new wardrobe or new excercise regime to look good for the other woman. Plus the whole phone you only use for the mistress etc.
I read once that the easiest way to make someone believe a lie is to actually believe it yourself. I guess what I'm saying is that if you can somehow convince yourself that you're not cheating on your wife, you won't slip up in front of her and let something out. This is how people fool lie detectors - they convince themselves that they're telling the truth so their body doesn't give them away.
I'm a naturally private person, and frankly, kind of sneaky so I've always thought I'd be really good at having an affair, except it just sounds so damn exhausting! It's hard enough keeping one relationship afloat, much less two. Anyway, your best bet is probably to go on forums for these kind of things, they'll have much more pertinent information than here.
Oh, and one last thing. You can control your actions and what you let slip - you have no idea, however what the mistress will do if/when it ends. Be as careful as you want and they can still storm your front door drunkenly screaming for your blood and yelling at your wife in the middle of the night. That's how my friend found out her husband was having an affair that had ended. Their marriage followed straight after. Still want to do it?!
posted by Jubey at 1:24 AM on December 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
I read once that the easiest way to make someone believe a lie is to actually believe it yourself. I guess what I'm saying is that if you can somehow convince yourself that you're not cheating on your wife, you won't slip up in front of her and let something out. This is how people fool lie detectors - they convince themselves that they're telling the truth so their body doesn't give them away.
I'm a naturally private person, and frankly, kind of sneaky so I've always thought I'd be really good at having an affair, except it just sounds so damn exhausting! It's hard enough keeping one relationship afloat, much less two. Anyway, your best bet is probably to go on forums for these kind of things, they'll have much more pertinent information than here.
Oh, and one last thing. You can control your actions and what you let slip - you have no idea, however what the mistress will do if/when it ends. Be as careful as you want and they can still storm your front door drunkenly screaming for your blood and yelling at your wife in the middle of the night. That's how my friend found out her husband was having an affair that had ended. Their marriage followed straight after. Still want to do it?!
posted by Jubey at 1:24 AM on December 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
Sorry about the mistress comments, the advice stays the same though.
posted by Jubey at 1:30 AM on December 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Jubey at 1:30 AM on December 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
To be honest, I would rather not hear from Mefites who disapprove of adultery and think all problems should involve therapy. Also, no private mail please.
If Metafilter was French you wouldn't have to add this note. Let's pretend we're all French. Les amants secrets!
I have to ask: does your wife know about your friend, as a friend? Does she know he's your friend and that you meet sometimes? And she doesn't have any clue, no one even "suspects" you have any attraction for males in general, or for this friend in particular, right? You never ever brought it up as a possibility or anything?
Then dear Kwadeng, congratulations, bless your good luck because that is such a perfect situation it doesn't even need as much sneakiness as the usual scenario of wife plus mistress on the side. You may even decide not to be sneaky about it at all, it's your buddy, he's married, you each can tell the wives openly that you're going to meet and do buddy things. IF that doesn't mess with your head at least, it may be safer than being too secretive and sneaky and making up wild lies about seeing him. Non?
posted by bitteschoen at 1:34 AM on December 29, 2014 [4 favorites]
If Metafilter was French you wouldn't have to add this note. Let's pretend we're all French. Les amants secrets!
I have to ask: does your wife know about your friend, as a friend? Does she know he's your friend and that you meet sometimes? And she doesn't have any clue, no one even "suspects" you have any attraction for males in general, or for this friend in particular, right? You never ever brought it up as a possibility or anything?
Then dear Kwadeng, congratulations, bless your good luck because that is such a perfect situation it doesn't even need as much sneakiness as the usual scenario of wife plus mistress on the side. You may even decide not to be sneaky about it at all, it's your buddy, he's married, you each can tell the wives openly that you're going to meet and do buddy things. IF that doesn't mess with your head at least, it may be safer than being too secretive and sneaky and making up wild lies about seeing him. Non?
posted by bitteschoen at 1:34 AM on December 29, 2014 [4 favorites]
Unless of course you meant you're both married to another man, in which case please accept shamefaced apologies for clichéd assumptions, and back to square one, although question still stands: do respective spouses know about the friendship? What do they know about that friendship?
Because even there the degree of required sneakiness involved may not be as high as you assume. It really depends on what is known or uknown already.
posted by bitteschoen at 1:45 AM on December 29, 2014
Because even there the degree of required sneakiness involved may not be as high as you assume. It really depends on what is known or uknown already.
posted by bitteschoen at 1:45 AM on December 29, 2014
Wait, you're not married, right? (Or at least weren't as of your last question two weeks ago.) I don't have advice, but perhaps this info will help others shape theirs.
posted by instamatic at 2:48 AM on December 29, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by instamatic at 2:48 AM on December 29, 2014 [2 favorites]
You're fine with being "on the side" now. I would check in with yourself, DAILY, about whether you really are still fine with that, and the second that you start feeling that you're not fine with it, do yourself a favor and end it. And ask him to do the same.
Because if either one of you starts feeling like you want more, and tries to squelch that feeling and keep things the way they are, it will get messy.
Also - accept that one or the other of you may indeed start feeling that way one day.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:46 AM on December 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
Because if either one of you starts feeling like you want more, and tries to squelch that feeling and keep things the way they are, it will get messy.
Also - accept that one or the other of you may indeed start feeling that way one day.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:46 AM on December 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
The lesson learned from my highschool years of sneaking out to smoke weed: make up your story ahead of time. Before you get caught, go deer in the headlights, and seal your fate. There's things that cannot be explained away, e.g., being caught in bed with the person, but dates, time away from primary significant other, everything else can have a backup story.
Clue in your lover to the story. Don't make it up with them, just tell them that if the worst happens (primary sees you, a co-worker or friend or family member of primary sees you, etc), they know the story. If you have a half-way convincing story, and suspicions have not yet been aroused, things will go much better for you.
Speaking of, open separate banking accounts etc ahead of time. Avoid the rush.
You're almost certain to get caught. I'm not moralizing here, just acknowledging the odds. Don't gamble what you can't lose, and if you can lose your primary relationship, figure out a responsible plan for getting out of their life asap with as little disruption as possible.
posted by wires at 4:53 AM on December 29, 2014
Clue in your lover to the story. Don't make it up with them, just tell them that if the worst happens (primary sees you, a co-worker or friend or family member of primary sees you, etc), they know the story. If you have a half-way convincing story, and suspicions have not yet been aroused, things will go much better for you.
Speaking of, open separate banking accounts etc ahead of time. Avoid the rush.
You're almost certain to get caught. I'm not moralizing here, just acknowledging the odds. Don't gamble what you can't lose, and if you can lose your primary relationship, figure out a responsible plan for getting out of their life asap with as little disruption as possible.
posted by wires at 4:53 AM on December 29, 2014
Don't have an affair with someone who doesn't have your best interests at heart. You have to trust your affair partner completely.
Is this man trustworthy? Can he keep your biggest secret? Will be?
posted by sockermom at 4:56 AM on December 29, 2014
Is this man trustworthy? Can he keep your biggest secret? Will be?
posted by sockermom at 4:56 AM on December 29, 2014
Practice ignoring your conscious.
If you have kids (or if the other guy has kids), prepare yourself for alienation and hatred if things fall apart. I'm not being judgey here, I'm just saying that I still haven't come to terms with a childhood wrecked by a cheater parent and the home-wrecker he chose over his own kids. Let's just say the sins of the fathers, blah blah blah. Anyway, be prepared.
Remember your lies. Realize this might mean telling the same lie about something stupid to a partner, a parent, the postman and your boss to be consistent.
Keep the curtains closed. Don't go out in public together, even for an innocuous dinner or platonic-seeming coffee. If someone wants to catch you cheating, any time in public together can be used against you.
Also - don't get too attached. Not all affairs end like Charles & Camilla.
posted by mibo at 4:56 AM on December 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
If you have kids (or if the other guy has kids), prepare yourself for alienation and hatred if things fall apart. I'm not being judgey here, I'm just saying that I still haven't come to terms with a childhood wrecked by a cheater parent and the home-wrecker he chose over his own kids. Let's just say the sins of the fathers, blah blah blah. Anyway, be prepared.
Remember your lies. Realize this might mean telling the same lie about something stupid to a partner, a parent, the postman and your boss to be consistent.
Keep the curtains closed. Don't go out in public together, even for an innocuous dinner or platonic-seeming coffee. If someone wants to catch you cheating, any time in public together can be used against you.
Also - don't get too attached. Not all affairs end like Charles & Camilla.
posted by mibo at 4:56 AM on December 29, 2014 [1 favorite]
This question right here on AskMe is your biggest security breach. It would have been smarter to be anonymous, but I think you wanted to crow a little about the magical lovemaking. So, congratulations on the magical lovemaking! I hope it was awesome. Now for god's sake be quiet about it.
posted by tomboko at 5:29 AM on December 29, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by tomboko at 5:29 AM on December 29, 2014 [6 favorites]
One good tip for conducting an affair is to not make multiple posts about the history of your relationship on one of the most indexed sites on the internet
posted by Metafilter Username at 5:43 AM on December 29, 2014 [15 favorites]
posted by Metafilter Username at 5:43 AM on December 29, 2014 [15 favorites]
Agreeing that the most important thing is to keep EVERY aspect of the relationship secret and have cover stories for everything. One of the keys that gave my ex away was that he told a mutual friend that he was going to do something innocuous (say the equivalent of going bowling) but told me he wasn't - there was no reason for him to lie to our friend so I knew he was lying to me.
posted by *becca* at 6:03 AM on December 29, 2014
posted by *becca* at 6:03 AM on December 29, 2014
Response by poster: Op here.
It's interesting that even though I specifically requested for judgmental comments to stay clear of this thread, some Mefites just cannot help it. But thanks for the brave input.
Let's just say, to clarify things, that where I come from (geography, culture and language) AskMe is not a website anyone has ever heard of, that for reasons neither our primary relationships are at any risk of collapsing because of the affair andfinally, in any case marriages don't break here because one partner is cheating. Also, being gay is not an issue.
I was just curious how others - who don't feel guilty about it at all - handled cheating on their spouse. Surely, I am not the first adulterer on AskMe?
So tomboko, please don't construe this as crowing. The pseudonym I'm using is for all intents and purposes anonymous.
And yes bitteschoen, both wives know we're close friends, he is almost at home at my place and I'm called uncle at his.
posted by Kwadeng at 6:12 AM on December 29, 2014
It's interesting that even though I specifically requested for judgmental comments to stay clear of this thread, some Mefites just cannot help it. But thanks for the brave input.
Let's just say, to clarify things, that where I come from (geography, culture and language) AskMe is not a website anyone has ever heard of, that for reasons neither our primary relationships are at any risk of collapsing because of the affair andfinally, in any case marriages don't break here because one partner is cheating. Also, being gay is not an issue.
I was just curious how others - who don't feel guilty about it at all - handled cheating on their spouse. Surely, I am not the first adulterer on AskMe?
So tomboko, please don't construe this as crowing. The pseudonym I'm using is for all intents and purposes anonymous.
And yes bitteschoen, both wives know we're close friends, he is almost at home at my place and I'm called uncle at his.
posted by Kwadeng at 6:12 AM on December 29, 2014
If this is true:
for reasons neither our primary relationships are at any risk of collapsing because of the affair andfinally, in any case marriages don't break here because one partner is cheating
then what's your question? You're not asking how to sneak around because it apparently won't make a difference if you're caught. If you're asking for anecdotes about adulterous affairs without a problem to be solved, then this is just chatfilter.
posted by kinetic at 6:17 AM on December 29, 2014 [2 favorites]
for reasons neither our primary relationships are at any risk of collapsing because of the affair andfinally, in any case marriages don't break here because one partner is cheating
then what's your question? You're not asking how to sneak around because it apparently won't make a difference if you're caught. If you're asking for anecdotes about adulterous affairs without a problem to be solved, then this is just chatfilter.
posted by kinetic at 6:17 AM on December 29, 2014 [2 favorites]
I think you have a lot of overall advice....I am guessing some other things that would help is:
1) Ask your lover never to make last minute plans or emergencies where you would have to take off and arouse suspicion. Planning to meet at least 3 or 4 days in advance allows you to setup expectations back home. You should have the same approach. Also don't be afraid to meet during unconventional hours. E.G Saturday from 10AM - 2PM....this could help you a lot because people tend to want to date on the same time they usually would spend with their spouse.
2) Ask your new lover about STDs, get tested together THEN remain as safe as possible. This should allow you to enjoy yourself a bit more but also protect those around you. Also allows you to better keep the secret.
3) Hotels/Motels can get expensive...if this is truly a long term thing, rent a low cost bedroom/apartment in an inexpensive part of town..where you can drive and go up without any issues...having a place to meet is a huge issue when a couple has a partner at home.
4) Communicate, Communicate, Communicate. Honestly after 3-6 months the newness is going to wear out.....you may want to be with your wife and that is it afterwards....if you start communicating early you'll avoid complications.
5) I understand this is not part of your advice but find a way to eventually come clean to your wife not about the affair but maybe same sex attraction?
Feel free to mail me for more details...while I haven't had an extramarital affair, is something that happens routinely in my culture/circle or friends. Honestly, logistics can help you get over a lot of the emotional implications.
posted by The1andonly at 6:18 AM on December 29, 2014
1) Ask your lover never to make last minute plans or emergencies where you would have to take off and arouse suspicion. Planning to meet at least 3 or 4 days in advance allows you to setup expectations back home. You should have the same approach. Also don't be afraid to meet during unconventional hours. E.G Saturday from 10AM - 2PM....this could help you a lot because people tend to want to date on the same time they usually would spend with their spouse.
2) Ask your new lover about STDs, get tested together THEN remain as safe as possible. This should allow you to enjoy yourself a bit more but also protect those around you. Also allows you to better keep the secret.
3) Hotels/Motels can get expensive...if this is truly a long term thing, rent a low cost bedroom/apartment in an inexpensive part of town..where you can drive and go up without any issues...having a place to meet is a huge issue when a couple has a partner at home.
4) Communicate, Communicate, Communicate. Honestly after 3-6 months the newness is going to wear out.....you may want to be with your wife and that is it afterwards....if you start communicating early you'll avoid complications.
5) I understand this is not part of your advice but find a way to eventually come clean to your wife not about the affair but maybe same sex attraction?
Feel free to mail me for more details...while I haven't had an extramarital affair, is something that happens routinely in my culture/circle or friends. Honestly, logistics can help you get over a lot of the emotional implications.
posted by The1andonly at 6:18 AM on December 29, 2014
This thread is closed to new comments.
like all secrets, keep it.
DON'T.
TELL.
ANYONE.
that's gotta be Rule One.
posted by philip-random at 11:38 PM on December 28, 2014