How have you become OK with not being okay with some people?
December 22, 2014 2:43 AM Subscribe
I feel very unsettled when I have unresolved conflict with people, or if people don't like me (even if I don't particularly like them). Were you once like me and managed to cope better? How?
Right now I feel yuck about the fact that things between my ex (see previous questions) and I aren't "cool" because we both feel angry and hurt by how things went down. I also feel yuck about some mutual dislike between some of our former mutual friends. I always just want everyone to get along and for everyone to like me and sometimes try to make myself okay with things or have compassion for people who show me none to try to protect my idea the world really COULD be one big peaceful place. I don't feel comfortable thinking of people as really just being jerks, and then I sometimes worry that I'm the jerk. I'm afraid of realising that what if maybe it was ME who was being a jerk? I realise this is black and white thinking and not a good pattern, and one that up til now has led to me letting some people into my life who were not healthy for me, or letting them stay too long, because I felt they were a good person deep down. I also know that I pride myself on my ability to get along with all kinds of people and be a bit of a peacemaker, and like to think of myself as a caring person, and I am, but even though I try my best not to, I do hurt people sometimes. I don't want to need other people to think I'm a nice person for me to feel like I did ok, or am ok. Even some dumb part of posting this is hoping that you guys will all tell me that I seem like a good person and don't need to feel guilty about my break up. Not healthy, I know.
I'd like to hear from people who used to struggle with these situations, what they do/have done, in therapy or on their own, or what they tell themselves when these situations arise, and be cool with the fact that not everyone is going to be cool with each other, and that that's ok.
Right now I feel yuck about the fact that things between my ex (see previous questions) and I aren't "cool" because we both feel angry and hurt by how things went down. I also feel yuck about some mutual dislike between some of our former mutual friends. I always just want everyone to get along and for everyone to like me and sometimes try to make myself okay with things or have compassion for people who show me none to try to protect my idea the world really COULD be one big peaceful place. I don't feel comfortable thinking of people as really just being jerks, and then I sometimes worry that I'm the jerk. I'm afraid of realising that what if maybe it was ME who was being a jerk? I realise this is black and white thinking and not a good pattern, and one that up til now has led to me letting some people into my life who were not healthy for me, or letting them stay too long, because I felt they were a good person deep down. I also know that I pride myself on my ability to get along with all kinds of people and be a bit of a peacemaker, and like to think of myself as a caring person, and I am, but even though I try my best not to, I do hurt people sometimes. I don't want to need other people to think I'm a nice person for me to feel like I did ok, or am ok. Even some dumb part of posting this is hoping that you guys will all tell me that I seem like a good person and don't need to feel guilty about my break up. Not healthy, I know.
I'd like to hear from people who used to struggle with these situations, what they do/have done, in therapy or on their own, or what they tell themselves when these situations arise, and be cool with the fact that not everyone is going to be cool with each other, and that that's ok.
This post was deleted for the following reason: Poster's request -- taz
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And then people screwed me over really badly - people that had asked me to trust them, that I had trusted, and who used that trust to take advantage of me. It knocked me about pretty badly.
The thing you have you realise is that, while you may be trying your best not to be the bad guy, not everyone holds themselves to your standards. Some people are quite happy to screw over other people, and they'll walk away whistling. Some people don't care if they hurt you, and they don't care if you don't like them. And some people may hurt you entirely by accident, or at least without intent. They might be trying to do the right thing, and make a mistake, or they might just be oblivious to the harm they cause.
But here's the good news. We're not in high school any more. We are grownups. That means we get to choose who we spend time with. Once you realise that you are allowed to cut people out of your life, that you can just walk away from people who make you unhappy, then this all becomes much easier. You get to choose how you spend your time, and who you spend that time with. And, if certain people make you feed sad, or bad, or are bad for you, it's okay to choose not to see them. It's more than okay - it's the smart thing to do for your own wellbeing, and you don't need to feel guilty about it. It is, at its core, self defence.
Further, it doesn't matter if they're trying to hurt you or not. Their intentions are irrelevant, because the effects are identical - you get hurt just the same.
What I am trying to say is, it's okay to be kind to yourself. It's okay to cut toxic, hurtful people out of your life, and only surround yourself with people who love you and make you feel good, and good about yourself. It's a big world, and there are plenty of people who you can choose as your friends and lovers who will not hurt you constantly or intentionally.
Good luck.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 3:14 AM on December 22, 2014 [1 favorite]