Men who have had an affair
December 11, 2014 12:48 PM Subscribe
I'm interested in hearing from men currently having or who have had an extra-marital affair. Preferably those who have not confessed, or weren't caught. What were the feelings before, during and after an encounter? Did anyone not feel regret, guilt, remorse?
Any other thoughts about hiding this kind of thing from your spouse?
This post was deleted for the following reason: This needs to be grounded in some kind of context in order to work - general survey questions aren't good fits for AskMe. Also, the anonymous feature might be a good idea. Feel free to contact us to discuss it. -- restless_nomad
Related to the above, bear in mind that the non-anonymous nature of MeFi's comments might tend to curtail candid responses.
posted by Gelatin at 1:10 PM on December 11, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by Gelatin at 1:10 PM on December 11, 2014 [4 favorites]
While I do not come bearing the precise answers you seek, I do have some extremely useful information to share with you.
The man I had a lengthy extramarital affair with never confessed and was never caught. He did a very good job of compartmentalizing and he was able to hide it for years. His wife still found out, though, because I told her -- not because he felt guilty or regretful, but because I did.
So please trust me when I say this: The affair, no matter how remorseless you feel or how secret you want it to stay, will only ever remain as secret as your would-be paramour agrees to let it be.
posted by divined by radio at 1:11 PM on December 11, 2014 [10 favorites]
The man I had a lengthy extramarital affair with never confessed and was never caught. He did a very good job of compartmentalizing and he was able to hide it for years. His wife still found out, though, because I told her -- not because he felt guilty or regretful, but because I did.
So please trust me when I say this: The affair, no matter how remorseless you feel or how secret you want it to stay, will only ever remain as secret as your would-be paramour agrees to let it be.
posted by divined by radio at 1:11 PM on December 11, 2014 [10 favorites]
I have a feeling you're not going to get many answers of the type you're looking for. Do I think it's possible to cheat on one's spouse and never feel a twinge of guilt? For some people, yes. Are those people whose advice on interpersonal relationships I'd trust? Not me, personally.
Remorse is a natural and healthy reaction to having broken someone's trust. And getting away with something doesn't make it okay. If the thought of cheating on your partner makes you feel bad now, even a bit, listen to that feeling. It's probably not going to go away.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:16 PM on December 11, 2014 [2 favorites]
Remorse is a natural and healthy reaction to having broken someone's trust. And getting away with something doesn't make it okay. If the thought of cheating on your partner makes you feel bad now, even a bit, listen to that feeling. It's probably not going to go away.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:16 PM on December 11, 2014 [2 favorites]
I have not cheated on my spouse but I cheated on a boyfriend in college, and it was far and away the worst thing I have ever done in my life. He found out eventually because his friends heard from friends of mine - who lived five hours apart and I had no idea could possibly even know each other, mind you - and hinted around to the point where I had to tell him. What I learned from that experience is that I had no business being in a relationship I wasn't committed to. It is far kinder to end a relationship that isn't giving you what you want than to go outside it to fulfill your needs.
If you are a regular person, as opposed to a monster, you will feel bad if you do bad things. And you will probably not be able to keep it a nice safe secret forever. Very few people are good at keeping secrets. Even if you think you're good at it yourself, you can't control how good anyone else is. There are a hundred ways the whole thing could fall apart and ruin the lives of a lot of people you care about.
posted by something something at 1:33 PM on December 11, 2014
If you are a regular person, as opposed to a monster, you will feel bad if you do bad things. And you will probably not be able to keep it a nice safe secret forever. Very few people are good at keeping secrets. Even if you think you're good at it yourself, you can't control how good anyone else is. There are a hundred ways the whole thing could fall apart and ruin the lives of a lot of people you care about.
posted by something something at 1:33 PM on December 11, 2014
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I have not had an affair, nor do I plan to, but my first advice would be that if you inquire about it on an on-line forum you do so using the anonymous feature.
posted by bondcliff at 12:55 PM on December 11, 2014 [4 favorites]