Did I scare him away?
December 3, 2014 5:33 AM Subscribe
I asked him if it was casual and his answer confused me.
I've seen him three times. The last date was so nice, he chose a really nice restaurant because he knew it was my favourite food. He didn't let me pay, and he cheered 'to us'. He told me lots of childhood stories and he complimented me and said he was going to give me a Christmas present. We slept together and we stayed in bed talking about our dreams etc, but I had to leave as I had work the next day and he had things to do. So at the bus stop as we were waiting for my bus I asked him if he is looking for something casual or for a relationship, and his answer confused me. He sort of rambled on saying he follows his heart and that he doesn't do casual but that he doesn't know yet because he got out of a relationship a few months ago, and if I had asked him back then his answer would have been different. He carried on for 2 minutes or so, and i told him I didn't understand what he was talking about because he didn't specify if he was more of a casual or a relationship person. He said we can talk about this over text. My bus arrived after that and he said 'see you soon'. I texted saying thank you and he answered saying he had a nice time, but we haven't been in contact since and it's been three days. We have slept together on all occasions, and my brain is starting to become paranoid that maybe he wants only sex.
Does he seem interested? Is it too soon to ask that question after only three dates? I just want to make sure it isn't casual for him, but I understand that we need to get to know one another before we get into a relationship. I love sleeping with him, but I don't know him well enough and would like to get to know him better, and I am afraid of getting attached to him if all he wants is something laid back. How do I communicate this to him without scaring him away as it is very soon? I probably need to relax, but I've never done 'casual' before, and I apologize for this question. I have tried to look on ask mefi about this, but couldn't really find anything, if there is a link I'd love to see it.
I've seen him three times. The last date was so nice, he chose a really nice restaurant because he knew it was my favourite food. He didn't let me pay, and he cheered 'to us'. He told me lots of childhood stories and he complimented me and said he was going to give me a Christmas present. We slept together and we stayed in bed talking about our dreams etc, but I had to leave as I had work the next day and he had things to do. So at the bus stop as we were waiting for my bus I asked him if he is looking for something casual or for a relationship, and his answer confused me. He sort of rambled on saying he follows his heart and that he doesn't do casual but that he doesn't know yet because he got out of a relationship a few months ago, and if I had asked him back then his answer would have been different. He carried on for 2 minutes or so, and i told him I didn't understand what he was talking about because he didn't specify if he was more of a casual or a relationship person. He said we can talk about this over text. My bus arrived after that and he said 'see you soon'. I texted saying thank you and he answered saying he had a nice time, but we haven't been in contact since and it's been three days. We have slept together on all occasions, and my brain is starting to become paranoid that maybe he wants only sex.
Does he seem interested? Is it too soon to ask that question after only three dates? I just want to make sure it isn't casual for him, but I understand that we need to get to know one another before we get into a relationship. I love sleeping with him, but I don't know him well enough and would like to get to know him better, and I am afraid of getting attached to him if all he wants is something laid back. How do I communicate this to him without scaring him away as it is very soon? I probably need to relax, but I've never done 'casual' before, and I apologize for this question. I have tried to look on ask mefi about this, but couldn't really find anything, if there is a link I'd love to see it.
This post was deleted for the following reason: Hey, sorry but Ask Mefi is not really for ongoing processing of every step (with only slight differences) of a relationship, and you've asked these same questions very recently. -- taz
He probably feels stupid for rambling and being unclear when you asked him the DTR question. Send him a friendly text to break the ice.
It sounds like he just got out of a long term relationship and doesn't want to commit to jumping into something serious right away, but also isn't opposed if that's what evolves. I suggest that you just try to relax a little for now and not bring it up again for a while. Instead, see how he behaves with you over the next month or so - if you feel like it's getting more serious, it probably is.
I'll probably get heat for saying this, but if you don't want a casual relationship, consider not having sex on the first date. Maybe I'm just getting old, but I think that can send a message that you're not looking for something serious.
posted by amro at 5:45 AM on December 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
It sounds like he just got out of a long term relationship and doesn't want to commit to jumping into something serious right away, but also isn't opposed if that's what evolves. I suggest that you just try to relax a little for now and not bring it up again for a while. Instead, see how he behaves with you over the next month or so - if you feel like it's getting more serious, it probably is.
I'll probably get heat for saying this, but if you don't want a casual relationship, consider not having sex on the first date. Maybe I'm just getting old, but I think that can send a message that you're not looking for something serious.
posted by amro at 5:45 AM on December 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
To me, it sounds like his answer is a soft, "No, I'm not looking for a serious relationship". He doesn't necessarily "just" want sex, though; he could enjoy the romantic aspect of your dates and your companionship, too. Beyond this situation, it seems like you've asked a few different versions of this same question, and I'm going to give you some general advice- you need to stop sleeping with guys you've just met if your end goal is a serious relationship. It's not making you happy, and it's clouding your judgment on whether or not your dates are, A, worth being in a long-term relationship with, and B, ready for one. You won't have to worry about a guy "only" wanting sex if it's not on the table right away.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:46 AM on December 3, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:46 AM on December 3, 2014 [2 favorites]
I think you're pushing things too early. If someone asked me on the third date whether I was serious, it would be a major turn off to me and I might say no based on that. Clearly, that's just me but I think a lot of people take a couple of months to have an idea of whether something had legs or not.
Try dating more people and indeed dating more than one at a time.
posted by BibiRose at 5:52 AM on December 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
Try dating more people and indeed dating more than one at a time.
posted by BibiRose at 5:52 AM on December 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
Honestly...it sounds like he just doesn't know. Your question probably made him face that he needs to make up his mind at some point and now he's stuck. It could mean that he doesn't want to lead you on, you know?
Maybe if you told him what you want it would help? Be honest with yourself. Are you ok with his dithering? If so, tell him you're willing to try this one day at a time thing. If not, drop the rope.
posted by Omnomnom at 5:58 AM on December 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
Maybe if you told him what you want it would help? Be honest with yourself. Are you ok with his dithering? If so, tell him you're willing to try this one day at a time thing. If not, drop the rope.
posted by Omnomnom at 5:58 AM on December 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: ok, thank you for your replies... Should I text him to clarify? I honestly don't expect a relationship at this point, I was just curious but I've possibly scared him off now. In my last question people told me to ask what he is looking for, so I'm confused now.
posted by akita at 6:10 AM on December 3, 2014
posted by akita at 6:10 AM on December 3, 2014
I think he's given you the best answer he has. It sounds like he's open to a serious relationship at some point in the future but doesn't want to rush into anything, and he's kind of up in the air about romance stuff. Are you OK with his answer (and with the ambiguity in it), at least for now? If so, continue to have fun with this guy and check in in a few weeks. If not, say you don't think it's going to work out and move on.
FWIW, to me third date seems early to have a DTR talk, and I would probably say something equally weird. I don't really know how I feel about someone after seeing them only three times.
posted by mskyle at 6:16 AM on December 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
FWIW, to me third date seems early to have a DTR talk, and I would probably say something equally weird. I don't really know how I feel about someone after seeing them only three times.
posted by mskyle at 6:16 AM on December 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
Do NOT text him important relationship stuff. Call him and make a date. Your treat this time, something he enjoys.
Then instead of putting him on the spot, tell him what you want.
If he's a coward, you'll never hear from him again, and great! Who needs that. If he's a mench, he'll appreciate your being up front.
This is an example of what to say on your date, "Kyle, I really love your company. I'd like to continue to date you and to see how it goes. I'm sorry I put you on the spot the other day. I realize that it came out all awkward. Now, shall we split the chocolate cake bomb?"
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:23 AM on December 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
Then instead of putting him on the spot, tell him what you want.
If he's a coward, you'll never hear from him again, and great! Who needs that. If he's a mench, he'll appreciate your being up front.
This is an example of what to say on your date, "Kyle, I really love your company. I'd like to continue to date you and to see how it goes. I'm sorry I put you on the spot the other day. I realize that it came out all awkward. Now, shall we split the chocolate cake bomb?"
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:23 AM on December 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
I sounds like the answer was more along the lines of "If things keep going the way they've been going then yes this could be a relationship, but I sure as heck don't know after three dates so it's very hard for me to give you an answer when you ask whether I want to commit to you or not."
I think the confusion might have come from the difference between what you asked and what he heard. I'm assuming you asked whether he is open to a deeper relationship in general, but he heard you asking whether he wanted a deeper relationship with you right now. The former is a legit question (why waste your time if you want different things?) but the latter is a very awkward, put-on-the-spot question.
It sounds like he's into you. Try taking a little of the pressure off of him, even if it's imagined.
posted by Willie0248 at 6:24 AM on December 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
I think the confusion might have come from the difference between what you asked and what he heard. I'm assuming you asked whether he is open to a deeper relationship in general, but he heard you asking whether he wanted a deeper relationship with you right now. The former is a legit question (why waste your time if you want different things?) but the latter is a very awkward, put-on-the-spot question.
It sounds like he's into you. Try taking a little of the pressure off of him, even if it's imagined.
posted by Willie0248 at 6:24 AM on December 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
It sounds like he was put on the spot, was nervous about saying something that would scare you off, but can't even answer that question for himself yet. I agree with the person above who said he's probably embarrassed about how long he rambled on about it for.
Third date is, in my opinion, way waaaaay too early for that kind of question. It sounds like you think you asked him to tell you if he (independent of you) is a relationship person or a casual person. What he heard from this is probably more along the lines of "do you want to be in a relationship with me, right now?" Way too early to make that call, no wonder he couldn't answer it succinctly. I would feel extremely put on the spot by that question on date 3, too.
What you should do is text him and say, "hey, [dude], I'd like to go see Interstellar on Saturday. There's a great Thai place near the theater, maybe we can grab dinner there before? What do you think?"
Let this discussion drop for several more dates. Don't let yourselves get hung up on this, just try to enjoy the moment.
posted by phunniemee at 6:26 AM on December 3, 2014
Third date is, in my opinion, way waaaaay too early for that kind of question. It sounds like you think you asked him to tell you if he (independent of you) is a relationship person or a casual person. What he heard from this is probably more along the lines of "do you want to be in a relationship with me, right now?" Way too early to make that call, no wonder he couldn't answer it succinctly. I would feel extremely put on the spot by that question on date 3, too.
What you should do is text him and say, "hey, [dude], I'd like to go see Interstellar on Saturday. There's a great Thai place near the theater, maybe we can grab dinner there before? What do you think?"
Let this discussion drop for several more dates. Don't let yourselves get hung up on this, just try to enjoy the moment.
posted by phunniemee at 6:26 AM on December 3, 2014
Hey, is this the same guy from two of your previous questions? If so, I'd advise backing off a bit, as you're clearly into him, but doesn't seem to be on the same level as you. Protect yourself, while leaving the door open to relationship, if that's what you want.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:29 AM on December 3, 2014
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:29 AM on December 3, 2014
You have to distinguish between two things in your mind: 1) what someone is looking for generally in terms of a relationship or a sexual fling and 2) what someone is looking for with you, specifically. It is never to early to ask about #1 - and preferably, you should ask before you hop in bed, especially if you're someone who is not looking for something casual. However, asking about #2 when you haven't even asked about #1 -- and *after* you've had sex several times - can create all kinds of problems, as you're finding out now.
Communication is so incredibly important, both for good sex and for good relationships. Do not be afraid to talk about romantic desires in the abstract very early on, as this will help you weed out people who are incompatible and identify people who might actually want the same thing that you do.
Also know this: If you have sex with someone who is not yet committed to you, but is definitely looking for a committed relationship, this of course still constitutes casual sex, but casual sex that might actually lead to committed sex, whereas sex with strangers who have no idea what they are looking for is sex that almost never leads to "something serious".
Suggestions:
1. Figure out what you want and make that clear from the get-go. Are you looking for non-monogamous lover to add to your harem? Are you looking for friendship leading to an exclusive romantic partnership? Are you looking for a sex slave? Actually give it some thought and really be honest with yourself about what exactly you are looking for. If you are confused about what you're looking for, that's okay, but be honest about that - with yourself and potential lovers.
2. Now that you (hopefully) know what you want, find out what your potential lover wants (generally) before you start worrying about what they might want with you (specifically). Only proceed if they generally want what you also generally want.
3. Decide what you will do when potential lovers give you weird, ambiguous, confusing answers as to what they want. You might decide that this ambiguity is totes okay for you. Or you may decide that mixed signals and ambiguity from potential lovers make you feel anxious and unsafe, and therefore decide that you are not interested in wasting your time with such nonsense.
4. Behave in a way that is consistent with what you want. If you don't want casual sex, then do not sleep with someone who is only looking for casual sex. If you want casual sex, then keep sleeping with strangers who may or may not want a more serious relationship.
posted by Gray Skies at 6:29 AM on December 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
Communication is so incredibly important, both for good sex and for good relationships. Do not be afraid to talk about romantic desires in the abstract very early on, as this will help you weed out people who are incompatible and identify people who might actually want the same thing that you do.
Also know this: If you have sex with someone who is not yet committed to you, but is definitely looking for a committed relationship, this of course still constitutes casual sex, but casual sex that might actually lead to committed sex, whereas sex with strangers who have no idea what they are looking for is sex that almost never leads to "something serious".
Suggestions:
1. Figure out what you want and make that clear from the get-go. Are you looking for non-monogamous lover to add to your harem? Are you looking for friendship leading to an exclusive romantic partnership? Are you looking for a sex slave? Actually give it some thought and really be honest with yourself about what exactly you are looking for. If you are confused about what you're looking for, that's okay, but be honest about that - with yourself and potential lovers.
2. Now that you (hopefully) know what you want, find out what your potential lover wants (generally) before you start worrying about what they might want with you (specifically). Only proceed if they generally want what you also generally want.
3. Decide what you will do when potential lovers give you weird, ambiguous, confusing answers as to what they want. You might decide that this ambiguity is totes okay for you. Or you may decide that mixed signals and ambiguity from potential lovers make you feel anxious and unsafe, and therefore decide that you are not interested in wasting your time with such nonsense.
4. Behave in a way that is consistent with what you want. If you don't want casual sex, then do not sleep with someone who is only looking for casual sex. If you want casual sex, then keep sleeping with strangers who may or may not want a more serious relationship.
posted by Gray Skies at 6:29 AM on December 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
Also: Don't ever ask anyone whether they are looking for a serious relationship or "just sex" while you are waiting for a bus. Bad idea. Have that conversation over wine, or as you're both walking in nature, connecting and getting to know each other. It should be a relaxed, comfortable exchange - not some "Oh-by-the-way.." thing that you throw in right before you jump into a bus, train or automobile.
posted by Gray Skies at 6:31 AM on December 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Gray Skies at 6:31 AM on December 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Good answers so far, thank you. He is my previous question, but the one before that was someone else. This is the one that started as a one night stand and I've now seen him three times.
posted by akita at 6:39 AM on December 3, 2014
posted by akita at 6:39 AM on December 3, 2014
This thread is closed to new comments.
Yes, but not for values of "interested" that you might be thinking. He definitely wants to sleep with you, but he may well genuinely not know whether he wants a relationship.
Is it too soon to ask that question after only three dates?
Yes. Very much so.
How do I communicate this to him without scaring him away as it is very soon?
You can't.
He doesn't want a relationship with you right now. That doesn't mean he will never want a relationship with you, it means that he doesn't want to commit. If you can be okay with this for another few months, then go ahead and have fun. Ask yourself the question every now and then, "Am I happy right now?" If you are, then let yourself be happy.
posted by Etrigan at 5:44 AM on December 3, 2014