"Touch?" Said she. "Then I flinched." Said he.

November 18, 2014 3:03 AM

Literally. The third time? So bad she said she was sorry. Problem is, I didn't want to. She didn't need to apologize. To have her merely stand close makes me feel all sparky inside. Could you help me figure out how to ask a coworker to coffee when she won't so much as say hello or look me in the eye now? It's been about a month since I really spoke with her to boot. Snowflakes inside... Or is it actually a minefield?

Quick Dossiers

She: 19(?) First year of college. New hire. She likes to stand physically close to me. Ex(I think? Haven't talked to her in a month.) boyfriend is crazy pants. Like, hit himself in the face when she wouldn't take him back despite him dumping her. She seems really together and intelligent, very shy towards other coworkers besides me. Let's call her Puppycat, because that will make this more fun.

Me: 28(NEXT MONTH!) Taking a year off of college. Have worked there a little over two years. Have personal space issues (Hello demons of childhood abuse!). Exgirlfriend blamed me for her cutting problem AND for her sleeping with someone else. Has coasted through life being clever and charismatic, life is kind of a mess and normally gregarious and wanting to talk with anyone.... unless you make me feel all gooey inside. Then I just ignore you.




BEGIN TL;DR

Most of my relationships have evolved out of me finding the other person attractive enough, a good friend, etc. and mostly just playing my part because I desperately crave to be close to someone, but in a way that doesn't involve getting hurt. Only once have I been with someone that made me really spark all over inside and that only started because she grabbed me by the collar of my shirt and kissed me.
That ended about 4 years ago.


Anyways...
The night of: Puppycat shows up, dressed to the nines, hair did and everything. Makes a comment about how I didn't notice. I did but didn't say anything. I have a hard enough time not spending a moment being physically and mentally stunned when she walks in normally. I know she's noticed and it makes me feel like some creepy old man. Within an hour of our coworker leaving she tells me she's single now. I play defensive/dismissive. It's going good. Then she starts standing real close, asking me for help with things. At one point Puppycat's standing so close that I can tell she is bizarrely warm, I can small that she has on a light perfume and I notice her breathing is heavy.
I feel hunted.

And then she tried to touch me on the arm.
I flinch. Adrenaline hits me. Keep working.

Then she tries again.
I flinch. Adrenaline hits.

Repeat once more while I'm dealing with a customer.
This time I leap away almost a foot from where I was standing.
Puppycat apologizes.

I try to keep my distance and just fill the air with idle conversation about anything the rest of the night until we close the shop.

As I close the gate, she waits... and waits.I know what I am supposed to do here and I ask her which way she's walking and I want to ask her if I can walk her to her car but I'm afraid where that leads and I have so much adrenaline in me and so... flight.
"Ah, well, I'm headed this way. Have a good night."




END TL;DR




A couple days after I make an ass of myself, we work together again. First thing she does is try to flirt with me. I notice our wonderful everyone's-mom boss behind her, staring daggers (at me?), so I play dismissive.
We haven't worked together since.

I've tried showing up at work when she's there (I dressed to the nines, with a new haircut even!) and well... she didn't even look at me. Managed to get a hi as I left because I remarked that she didn't say hi. She smiled big and silly, said hi and turned away really quick.

This week on thursday, she's the one taking over at the end of my shift.

Problems:
Age.
My being maybe -one- step ahead of being a complete loser.
My only coworker that I (like an idiot) have talked with about this, Shae, is going to be there and is my direct supervisor. I haven't let on that I like puppycat, just that puppycat's behavior that night freaked me out and way before this, that I felt Puppycat had a space issue with me in particular.
I am currently the only straight male working there (one of two males at that) and I have a feeling my boss would chew my ass pretty bad if this goes wrong on my account, because she's a mama bear and always expects the worst of folks and I should be the responsible one.
Lots of other little things things.

So, assume I know nothing about dating (I usually just "hang out" until stuff happens or get asked out) or how to do stuff like not make it weird and that I am probably a supremely awkward individual when it comes to this.

So far the best advice I have is things like The Brad Pitt Rule and other snippets from the same website about various odds and ends.

How do I keep from the problems I mentioned being blown way out of proportion?
Should I confer with my trusted( is she to be?) coworker so it's not a surprise?
Should I just say to hell with it, be bold and do it the instant I see her no matter what?
Should I ask to speak with her a moment before she's on the clock?
What if she doesn't like coffee? Smoothies? Lunch? Dinner?
How do I maintain suaveness, being awkward and being honest all at once?
Should I rewatch all of Fraser?


Oh, and for the record, I spent about three hours writing and re-writing this.
Obviously I'm hitting on some anxiety and obsessive bits.
I need to go to bed.

posted by ThrowbackDave to Human Relations (7 answers total)

Stay away from your trainwreck, barely legal coworker, if she continues crossing your boundaries ask her to give you space like you would other colleagues.
posted by Iteki at 3:08 AM on November 18, 2014 [5 favorites]

She's too young for you. She's also an intern. Don't do this, it's not okay.

Also, I think she knows you have a thing for her and is creeped out by it.
posted by discopolo at 3:09 AM on November 18, 2014 [2 favorites]

I mean, she might have just been practice flirting with you, as young women do. Anyway, she's too young for you, you need to shut this down ASAP.

Also, the way you're writing all this...I think maybe you need to see a professional counselor who can help you paint things less dramatically and more realistically.

Because it just comes off really badly and I'm worried for the young intern.
posted by discopolo at 3:15 AM on November 18, 2014 [6 favorites]

Your question is barely readable, but from what I can make out you're a 28-year-old wondering how to get together with a 19-year-old, who has a boyfriend and who hasn't shown any interest in you beyond (you say) standing quite close to her. You call her "Puppycat, because that will make this more fun" and describe yourself as "clever and charismatic". I think it would be best for everyone if you left her alone.
posted by cincinnatus c at 3:24 AM on November 18, 2014 [9 favorites]

This whole thing is written in a way that just gives off a slightly weird vibe from you. 'Puppycat'?

Given all the possible workplace drama, I suggest you step away, pretend like the touching thing never happened, and just maintain a professional relationship with your coworkers.
posted by modernnomad at 3:26 AM on November 18, 2014 [8 favorites]

Look, for whatever reason, I don't think you're in good shape to date anyone right now, especially not this girl, with whom (aside from the fact that she's very young and a co-worker) I think you've pretty thoroughly screwed the pooch due to your bizarro-world responses when she has attempted to acknowledge your interest by flirting with you.
posted by drlith at 3:36 AM on November 18, 2014

The things I've read most similar to this question are blog entries by a friend, with a history of abuse, written during episodes of disassociation. I'm not going to diagnose you over the internet but please take some time thinking about the options available to you in the realm of mental health counseling. Even the most neurotypical person can benefit from a professionally impartial listener.

Okay other than that? Please stay the hell away from this woman. Even if she was flirting with you with purpose, as opposed to an idle entertainment to pass the time that she mistakenly thought was mutual, you're not thinking clearly and you're not understanding your position of power over her. Even if you're equal in terms of work, you're much older, a man, and have been at the job longer. By following that brad pitt drivel, you'd be abusing your power over her to force her into an uncomfortable position. Either she says yes and has to suffer through dealing with you while you're not in a healthy headspace and have placed her on a pedestal, or she says no and is terrified of the social and even financial consequences, not just for herself but for you, too.

Relationships can be scary and are hard work but they should never start out nearly so distraught and stressful as what I think you tried to convey.
posted by Mizu at 3:44 AM on November 18, 2014 [3 favorites]