Trouble with girls, and people in general. Is this just who I am?
June 2, 2014 3:41 PM Subscribe
I’m hurting. I feel like I’m unlovable. I’m scared that I will never find someone. I just want to have a girl who I can hang out with on an ongoing basis. A friend who I can experience life with. Who I can laugh with, watch TV with, listen to music with, dance with, play with, and talk with.
That’s never going to happen. I have so may psychological hang ups that it’s just not possible for me. I feel unlovable, I can’t trust anyone, I have trouble flirting like the other guys do, I am clumsy and awkward sometimes, I am always stumbling for words to say, and I’m uncomfortable with myself. Talking to a girl just feels weird, like something that I shouldn’t be doing, not Geoffrey, the forever alone guy. Not that it’s any harder than talking to anyone else (except sometimes, it is much harder, and flirting is to me like smooth body language is to a guy with crippling autism or dancing is to a paraplegic… impossible)
I am painfully yearning right now, and I just want a shoulder to cry on. I try to keep it all in because I feel awkward asking for help, especially when it’s just me yacking and moaning, feeling sorry for myself. It makes me look week and like a self absorbed douche. “Hey, take time out of your busy day and listen to me yack about my life!”
I wouldn’t know how to help me if I were in a better spot and someone like me came up to me and started yacking about their life. I’d want to help, of course, but I wouldn’t know how to help. So why would I want to put other people through such discomfort?
I don’t think anyone knows how to help. I don’t think anyone, even the best therapists out there, are capable of helping a person like me.
I fear that I will never find love, what it’s like to be loved, to be able to love without punishment or pain or scorn or rejection. I’ll never know what it’s like to hold her in my arms, run my hands through her hair, and whisper to her that I love her.
And really, what’s the point of a life without that? It’s such an empty life, a life I don’t want any part of. If you were to look into a crystal ball right now and tell me that I will die alone, having never loved or been loved, I would like to die right now.
Yes, I can maybe go against the odds and get a career of some pleasure. I can save up money and travel and explore the world. I can be there for my parents and family and friends.
But without love, what’s the point?
If there were ever a time to find someone, it would be in college. But everyone is out of my league, because I am so self-conscious and have trust issues and am afraid of everyone. I’m afraid of being shunned or ignored, not in the way a kid would be afraid of a bully, but in a much more subtle innocuous way. Not being invited to things, having people not show up, having people say that they have plans and can’t hang out, having people not respond to me.
Why would they? I’m a sad person. I’m not particularly interesting, not particularly talented or funny or suave, not in the best of shape, not the best talker, nor the best listener, I’m just not really that good at anything except pleasantries. I’m the stale vanilla colorless nice guy, not really known for anything else. Not memorable, not important, expendable. Just another human in the endless sea of humanity.
Girls want a guy who’s powerful. Dominate, alpha, aggressive in what he wants. Try as I might, I’m not that guy. I’m not even a beta male… I’m around the C rank, right in the middle.
Is there any help, or is this my inborn personality?
That’s never going to happen. I have so may psychological hang ups that it’s just not possible for me. I feel unlovable, I can’t trust anyone, I have trouble flirting like the other guys do, I am clumsy and awkward sometimes, I am always stumbling for words to say, and I’m uncomfortable with myself. Talking to a girl just feels weird, like something that I shouldn’t be doing, not Geoffrey, the forever alone guy. Not that it’s any harder than talking to anyone else (except sometimes, it is much harder, and flirting is to me like smooth body language is to a guy with crippling autism or dancing is to a paraplegic… impossible)
I am painfully yearning right now, and I just want a shoulder to cry on. I try to keep it all in because I feel awkward asking for help, especially when it’s just me yacking and moaning, feeling sorry for myself. It makes me look week and like a self absorbed douche. “Hey, take time out of your busy day and listen to me yack about my life!”
I wouldn’t know how to help me if I were in a better spot and someone like me came up to me and started yacking about their life. I’d want to help, of course, but I wouldn’t know how to help. So why would I want to put other people through such discomfort?
I don’t think anyone knows how to help. I don’t think anyone, even the best therapists out there, are capable of helping a person like me.
I fear that I will never find love, what it’s like to be loved, to be able to love without punishment or pain or scorn or rejection. I’ll never know what it’s like to hold her in my arms, run my hands through her hair, and whisper to her that I love her.
And really, what’s the point of a life without that? It’s such an empty life, a life I don’t want any part of. If you were to look into a crystal ball right now and tell me that I will die alone, having never loved or been loved, I would like to die right now.
Yes, I can maybe go against the odds and get a career of some pleasure. I can save up money and travel and explore the world. I can be there for my parents and family and friends.
But without love, what’s the point?
If there were ever a time to find someone, it would be in college. But everyone is out of my league, because I am so self-conscious and have trust issues and am afraid of everyone. I’m afraid of being shunned or ignored, not in the way a kid would be afraid of a bully, but in a much more subtle innocuous way. Not being invited to things, having people not show up, having people say that they have plans and can’t hang out, having people not respond to me.
Why would they? I’m a sad person. I’m not particularly interesting, not particularly talented or funny or suave, not in the best of shape, not the best talker, nor the best listener, I’m just not really that good at anything except pleasantries. I’m the stale vanilla colorless nice guy, not really known for anything else. Not memorable, not important, expendable. Just another human in the endless sea of humanity.
Girls want a guy who’s powerful. Dominate, alpha, aggressive in what he wants. Try as I might, I’m not that guy. I’m not even a beta male… I’m around the C rank, right in the middle.
Is there any help, or is this my inborn personality?
This post was deleted for the following reason: I am really sorry this is something you're dealing with but this isn't really a workable Ask Metafilter question; if you are having suicidal thoughts, please contact a crisis professional. You are also welcome to get ahold of us via the contact form if you want. -- cortex
Girls want a guy who’s powerful. Dominate, alpha, aggressive in what he wants.
Women (you're in college -- the people you're talking about are adult women) aren't a monolithic entity. They're individuals with different personalities, tastes, and desires, just like you.
Talking to a girl just feels weird, like something that I shouldn’t be doing, not Geoffrey, the forever alone guy.
Again, talking to a woman is not the first step in a potential romantic relationship, it is interacting with a human being. Viewing every interaction with a woman as a possible entrée to this magical world of love and fulfillment (PS - does not exist) is sabotaging your interactions with women, and probably the world at large.
posted by telegraph at 3:52 PM on June 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
Women (you're in college -- the people you're talking about are adult women) aren't a monolithic entity. They're individuals with different personalities, tastes, and desires, just like you.
Talking to a girl just feels weird, like something that I shouldn’t be doing, not Geoffrey, the forever alone guy.
Again, talking to a woman is not the first step in a potential romantic relationship, it is interacting with a human being. Viewing every interaction with a woman as a possible entrée to this magical world of love and fulfillment (PS - does not exist) is sabotaging your interactions with women, and probably the world at large.
posted by telegraph at 3:52 PM on June 2, 2014 [1 favorite]
Girls want a guy who’s powerful. Dominate, alpha, aggressive in what he wants.
What makes you think so? I'm guessing movies, pop culture, etc, and not real life relationships happening around you. Sure, some women may seek out men with these characteristics, but many more prioritize other traits: kindness, sense of humor (not necessarily being the class clown, but having a sense of humor), curiosity in the world around them... and so on.
The way you've written this question, you sound a lot like me when I was 17/18 (except, I'm a woman). I went my entire adolescence and high school without so much as holding someone's hand, much less making out with someone or having a boyfriend. I was convinced that I was fundamentally grotesque, unlovable, charmless, and many other unkind things. Like you, I thought that the opposite sex wanted certain things, and that I was none of them and would never be them.
And you know what? I slowly realized, with the help of therapy, and time, that none of those were true. That they would only limit me so long as I continued to believe them, but I didn't have to believe them. And now I don't, and when I read my incredibly long, detailed, and self-loathing journal entries from that time period, I feel compassion for myself, because I was hurting so badly and I didn't know how to make it stop, but I also didn't realize that most of all, I was hurting myself by thinking of myself so harshly.
posted by Aubergine at 3:52 PM on June 2, 2014
What makes you think so? I'm guessing movies, pop culture, etc, and not real life relationships happening around you. Sure, some women may seek out men with these characteristics, but many more prioritize other traits: kindness, sense of humor (not necessarily being the class clown, but having a sense of humor), curiosity in the world around them... and so on.
The way you've written this question, you sound a lot like me when I was 17/18 (except, I'm a woman). I went my entire adolescence and high school without so much as holding someone's hand, much less making out with someone or having a boyfriend. I was convinced that I was fundamentally grotesque, unlovable, charmless, and many other unkind things. Like you, I thought that the opposite sex wanted certain things, and that I was none of them and would never be them.
And you know what? I slowly realized, with the help of therapy, and time, that none of those were true. That they would only limit me so long as I continued to believe them, but I didn't have to believe them. And now I don't, and when I read my incredibly long, detailed, and self-loathing journal entries from that time period, I feel compassion for myself, because I was hurting so badly and I didn't know how to make it stop, but I also didn't realize that most of all, I was hurting myself by thinking of myself so harshly.
posted by Aubergine at 3:52 PM on June 2, 2014
Girls want a guy who’s powerful. Dominate, alpha, aggressive in what he wants.
No, they don't. Some definitely do. But some prefer awkward people. Some are awkward themselves.
Finding those people will be harder for you, because you're your own worst enemy right now, but sometimes good things don't come easy.
Is there any help, or is this my inborn personality?
It's mostly just your inborn lack of experience, and that's something that will change over time. You might have it worse than many, but when you see those smooth moves and flirting that you can't do, you have to remind yourself that for most of those people that stuff didn't come from nowhere, it was learned gradually over time, and involved their own share of stumbles and fears and feelings of failure or humiliation. And it's not even necessary to know that stuff, it just helps.
Basically, you're behind the curve, this is not who you are, it's where you are right now. Assuming you don't just give up, you'll look back on yourself in ten years and feel accomplished at how much you've changed since then.
posted by anonymisc at 3:54 PM on June 2, 2014
No, they don't. Some definitely do. But some prefer awkward people. Some are awkward themselves.
Finding those people will be harder for you, because you're your own worst enemy right now, but sometimes good things don't come easy.
Is there any help, or is this my inborn personality?
It's mostly just your inborn lack of experience, and that's something that will change over time. You might have it worse than many, but when you see those smooth moves and flirting that you can't do, you have to remind yourself that for most of those people that stuff didn't come from nowhere, it was learned gradually over time, and involved their own share of stumbles and fears and feelings of failure or humiliation. And it's not even necessary to know that stuff, it just helps.
Basically, you're behind the curve, this is not who you are, it's where you are right now. Assuming you don't just give up, you'll look back on yourself in ten years and feel accomplished at how much you've changed since then.
posted by anonymisc at 3:54 PM on June 2, 2014
There's someone for everyone and the most interesting lives are the ones that don't follow the mainstream.
Don't think that therapy can't help -- therapy teaches you how to help yourself, it isn't magic that happens without you. And you sound like you would benefit so much from gaining the perspective that therapy can afford.
Also, I felt a lot like you do now when I was in college, and I look back on my life now that I'm 54 and I think what a wonderful, full, rich life I've had. Exactly what I wanted even though not really in any way what I expected or what I was taught to expect.
The most important love you can have in your life is love for yourself. That's ultimately what attracts people to you. Therapy can help you uncover the lovable aspects of yourself that you've been denying or turning your back on.
FWIW, I have always had fears of being the outsider and the person who was not invited to things, and guess what, a dear friend had a bachelorette party recently and her friends didn't think to invite me. Bottom line: That's their problem.
Anyway, it's part of human nature to believe that whatever is happening right now will always be the case. When things are great, we think it will be like this forever. When things are awful, we think they'll never get better. But everything changes. Everything. For everyone. Forever. So hang in there because things will look up, especially if you put the work into therapy and find your lovable self.
posted by janey47 at 3:55 PM on June 2, 2014
Don't think that therapy can't help -- therapy teaches you how to help yourself, it isn't magic that happens without you. And you sound like you would benefit so much from gaining the perspective that therapy can afford.
Also, I felt a lot like you do now when I was in college, and I look back on my life now that I'm 54 and I think what a wonderful, full, rich life I've had. Exactly what I wanted even though not really in any way what I expected or what I was taught to expect.
The most important love you can have in your life is love for yourself. That's ultimately what attracts people to you. Therapy can help you uncover the lovable aspects of yourself that you've been denying or turning your back on.
FWIW, I have always had fears of being the outsider and the person who was not invited to things, and guess what, a dear friend had a bachelorette party recently and her friends didn't think to invite me. Bottom line: That's their problem.
Anyway, it's part of human nature to believe that whatever is happening right now will always be the case. When things are great, we think it will be like this forever. When things are awful, we think they'll never get better. But everything changes. Everything. For everyone. Forever. So hang in there because things will look up, especially if you put the work into therapy and find your lovable self.
posted by janey47 at 3:55 PM on June 2, 2014
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Oh man, PLEASE don't believe that. After reading your whole post I cannot possibly recommend therapy enough. Don't wait for the 30th commenter screaming "GO TO THERAPY!" to do it.
Close this tab, open another one, search for a local therapist and FUCKING GO. Nothing else you do, no other advice you might receive, no "love" will heal your wounds or settle your mind. You need help immediately.
posted by lattiboy at 3:49 PM on June 2, 2014 [3 favorites]