I'm so full of pain and bitterness and I need some hope.
May 18, 2014 8:04 AM Subscribe
Pain. Bitterness. Anger. Depression. Self-loathing. Weak. Passive Aggression. No hope for change. No hope for true happiness. I just want to bury my head in my pillow and give a big middle finger to the world.
I’m trying to reach out for help, but I already know that nothing will change. Nothing ever changes. Please, prove me wrong. Give me hope.
I’m not sure which I hate more: myself, my circumstances of life, or God (if he even exists, I don’t know anymore)
If this all sounds cliché, I’m sorry. It’s what I’m feeling.
I don’t really know where to start. Should I tell the life circumstances that lead to where I am? Should I write about what I’m specifically hurting about and angry/bitter about? Should I just focus on my toxic coping strategy? How in depth should I go?
I’m afraid I’m gonna be all over the place.
I’m 25, I’m a guy, and I’ve had a difficult life as long as I’ve been here on Earth. I grew up with Asperger’s, my parents tried their very best to get me the best schooling, but in exchange I grew up extremely sheltered to the outside world – no sports, no summer camp, no clubs, nothing. I made about a couple really good friends who I’m still best friends with, but that’s about it. I was a nobody my entire life, people saw right through me in elementary, middle, and high school, and I feel that they still do now in college. (Check one in self-loathing)
If there’s a silver lining in all of this, it’s that I mostly outgrew my Asperger’s, if not completely. And that I’m really close with my parents. Too close really… they still coddle me and I still live at home. (Check two in self-loathing). I am totally lazy and depressed and do the bare minimum to take care of myself. Because I know that I’d have to live alone, and I don’t want to live alone. I don’t want to be by myself because I don’t like me.
Why live alone? Because, I’ve always had a very hard time with people. I’m outgoing but shy at the same time. It depends on how comfortable and safe I feel around the person, and it’s really a case-by-case basis on whether or not I have anything to talk about. 90% of the time, I can’t think of even the slightest thing to say other than dead-end pointless “how are you doing”s. I probably suffer from social anxiety. In fact, I know I do, and big time at that.
I’ve never had a girlfriend. I’m a virgin. At the age of 25. (Triple check three-four-and-five in self-loathing, and triple check one-two-and-three in bitterness and anger towards life, people, and/or God). Obviously, girls see right through me, always have. Who wants to talk to the guy (even though I’m quite handsome and tall at 6 foot 4) who they can somehow detect is crippled with self-loathing, weakness, and passive aggressiveness (even though I try my DAMNDEST not to show any of these characteristics)? Who wants to even bat an eyelash to a person like that when they can be with a guy who’s with it, who’s got his life together, who’s masculine and a go-getter? Nobody, that’s who.
I have cemented so far down into my psyche that I am unlovable that I doubt I can ever feel differently. It dictates every thing I do socially. I don’t have confidence because I already know I’m going to screw up. I don’t pursue women in the slightest because I know that they will just turn me down and give me yet another excuse to hate myself and cry in pain. I see an attractive woman, I steer clear of her. Not because I can’t talk to her, but because I automatically concede to failure.
I want to die just writing this, because I know that there is basically no hope in changing this behavior. I’m sure someone is going to show me towards some “guru” bullshit on how to “seduce” women into bed. Don’t bother. I was engrossed in that in high school, but I never had the balls to practice it in real life.
And quite frankly, that’s not what I ever really wanted. I’m much more comfortable with being the nice guy than the douche frat bro who counts the number of women he slept with that week. My goal is to find a woman I can be happy with and settle down with and have children with, not screw hundreds of chicks and get an eventual STD.
Now that I’m done beating myself up and being angry and bitter, can I just say that I don’t want to be this way… not totally. And yet, over the years of digging into what the hell is wrong with me, I can’t deny that there is a sort of negative adrenaline rush that comes from this sort of thinking… this angry bitter woe-is-me thinking. It’s kind of an addiction that I feel that I’m incapable of stopping on my own.
See, my modus operandi is, once I feel the negative stimulus, be it from an actual external event or me just being a sensitive and paranoid self-loather who takes a not-so catastrophic event or even a 100% harmless event and internalizes it into further proof that the universe hates me and I’m the person the song Mad World is written about (phew, THAT was a run on sentence)… once that happens, I don’t confront the source of that stimulus. I instead brood and attempt to be passive aggressive by withdrawing myself. I hope that I’ll make the person realize that something is wrong and that they will seek me out, give me a window to air my grievances, and change their behavior.
It’s so pathetic and wrong on so many levels. But it’s how I always do it. I am too socially inept to handle a mature confrontation… I can’t put words to my feelings without the floodgates of all of this crap that I’m writing coming out. I always want to be cordial and stuff my feelings into the black stew of enlargement that is my mind.
And, like I said, I get a high off of that brooding part.
I mentioned that I’m lazy. Here’s why, aside from the fact that I always feel like I’m suffering from fatigue and a complete lack of energy. It is a combination of my horrible confidence, my track record of no girlfriend and the anger, hurt, and bitterness that comes from that, and my ineptitude of confronting people in social situations due to the fact that I suffer from social anxiety and I struggle with thinking of words to say.
It goes like this: I can’t get very far at all with those traits. I’m doomed to failure right from the start. I don’t want to partake in a world where I’ll just feel hurt every time I see a attractive woman with a guy, where I’ll just feel jealous when I see someone happy and successful, where I’ll get in situations where I have to talk (or I’ll want to talk) but I’ll be unable to do so. I want to hide. But I also want to be with friends and loved ones, because I crave people and social interaction. So, I usually settle for a totally watered down compromise that is staying with my parents and having them be my social outlet. They don’t mind… they have many of the same problems I do and so they cling to me just as I cling to them.
And yet, I crave more. I crave a relationship. I crave a job where I feel useful and part of society. I crave to be outside and to travel and to experience new people’s life stories.
I crave to be happy and to be free of all the shit that I’ve written about. I almost feel that I would be a completely new identity that I’ve never known, but I want to be that new person.
I know that therapy is what many of you will recommend. But I’m poor, my family is poor, and we can’t afford the pedigree of therapies that would have a ghost of a chance in unraveling all of this jumbled yarn of pain. I might get on the government dole, but most likely I’ll get a therapist who will just say (summarizing it all of course) “Don’t worry, be happy! Don’t dislike yourself! Oh, and there’s a girl out there for you! Oh, and just tell yourself to stop being passive aggressive!”
Yeah… thanks Sherlock. If it were that easy, do you really think I’d be coming to you? Do I look like an idiot who can’t just hit that oh-so convenient on-off switch for happiness?
As an aside, ALL of this that I’ve written about is me about 50% of the time. The other half of the time I’m outgoing, cheerful, have a dry but goofy sense of humor, and love to have fun. Scratch that, I always love to have fun!
I don’t really know where to start. Should I tell the life circumstances that lead to where I am? Should I write about what I’m specifically hurting about and angry/bitter about? Should I just focus on my toxic coping strategy? How in depth should I go?
I’m afraid I’m gonna be all over the place.
I’m 25, I’m a guy, and I’ve had a difficult life as long as I’ve been here on Earth. I grew up with Asperger’s, my parents tried their very best to get me the best schooling, but in exchange I grew up extremely sheltered to the outside world – no sports, no summer camp, no clubs, nothing. I made about a couple really good friends who I’m still best friends with, but that’s about it. I was a nobody my entire life, people saw right through me in elementary, middle, and high school, and I feel that they still do now in college. (Check one in self-loathing)
If there’s a silver lining in all of this, it’s that I mostly outgrew my Asperger’s, if not completely. And that I’m really close with my parents. Too close really… they still coddle me and I still live at home. (Check two in self-loathing). I am totally lazy and depressed and do the bare minimum to take care of myself. Because I know that I’d have to live alone, and I don’t want to live alone. I don’t want to be by myself because I don’t like me.
Why live alone? Because, I’ve always had a very hard time with people. I’m outgoing but shy at the same time. It depends on how comfortable and safe I feel around the person, and it’s really a case-by-case basis on whether or not I have anything to talk about. 90% of the time, I can’t think of even the slightest thing to say other than dead-end pointless “how are you doing”s. I probably suffer from social anxiety. In fact, I know I do, and big time at that.
I’ve never had a girlfriend. I’m a virgin. At the age of 25. (Triple check three-four-and-five in self-loathing, and triple check one-two-and-three in bitterness and anger towards life, people, and/or God). Obviously, girls see right through me, always have. Who wants to talk to the guy (even though I’m quite handsome and tall at 6 foot 4) who they can somehow detect is crippled with self-loathing, weakness, and passive aggressiveness (even though I try my DAMNDEST not to show any of these characteristics)? Who wants to even bat an eyelash to a person like that when they can be with a guy who’s with it, who’s got his life together, who’s masculine and a go-getter? Nobody, that’s who.
I have cemented so far down into my psyche that I am unlovable that I doubt I can ever feel differently. It dictates every thing I do socially. I don’t have confidence because I already know I’m going to screw up. I don’t pursue women in the slightest because I know that they will just turn me down and give me yet another excuse to hate myself and cry in pain. I see an attractive woman, I steer clear of her. Not because I can’t talk to her, but because I automatically concede to failure.
I want to die just writing this, because I know that there is basically no hope in changing this behavior. I’m sure someone is going to show me towards some “guru” bullshit on how to “seduce” women into bed. Don’t bother. I was engrossed in that in high school, but I never had the balls to practice it in real life.
And quite frankly, that’s not what I ever really wanted. I’m much more comfortable with being the nice guy than the douche frat bro who counts the number of women he slept with that week. My goal is to find a woman I can be happy with and settle down with and have children with, not screw hundreds of chicks and get an eventual STD.
Now that I’m done beating myself up and being angry and bitter, can I just say that I don’t want to be this way… not totally. And yet, over the years of digging into what the hell is wrong with me, I can’t deny that there is a sort of negative adrenaline rush that comes from this sort of thinking… this angry bitter woe-is-me thinking. It’s kind of an addiction that I feel that I’m incapable of stopping on my own.
See, my modus operandi is, once I feel the negative stimulus, be it from an actual external event or me just being a sensitive and paranoid self-loather who takes a not-so catastrophic event or even a 100% harmless event and internalizes it into further proof that the universe hates me and I’m the person the song Mad World is written about (phew, THAT was a run on sentence)… once that happens, I don’t confront the source of that stimulus. I instead brood and attempt to be passive aggressive by withdrawing myself. I hope that I’ll make the person realize that something is wrong and that they will seek me out, give me a window to air my grievances, and change their behavior.
It’s so pathetic and wrong on so many levels. But it’s how I always do it. I am too socially inept to handle a mature confrontation… I can’t put words to my feelings without the floodgates of all of this crap that I’m writing coming out. I always want to be cordial and stuff my feelings into the black stew of enlargement that is my mind.
And, like I said, I get a high off of that brooding part.
I mentioned that I’m lazy. Here’s why, aside from the fact that I always feel like I’m suffering from fatigue and a complete lack of energy. It is a combination of my horrible confidence, my track record of no girlfriend and the anger, hurt, and bitterness that comes from that, and my ineptitude of confronting people in social situations due to the fact that I suffer from social anxiety and I struggle with thinking of words to say.
It goes like this: I can’t get very far at all with those traits. I’m doomed to failure right from the start. I don’t want to partake in a world where I’ll just feel hurt every time I see a attractive woman with a guy, where I’ll just feel jealous when I see someone happy and successful, where I’ll get in situations where I have to talk (or I’ll want to talk) but I’ll be unable to do so. I want to hide. But I also want to be with friends and loved ones, because I crave people and social interaction. So, I usually settle for a totally watered down compromise that is staying with my parents and having them be my social outlet. They don’t mind… they have many of the same problems I do and so they cling to me just as I cling to them.
And yet, I crave more. I crave a relationship. I crave a job where I feel useful and part of society. I crave to be outside and to travel and to experience new people’s life stories.
I crave to be happy and to be free of all the shit that I’ve written about. I almost feel that I would be a completely new identity that I’ve never known, but I want to be that new person.
I know that therapy is what many of you will recommend. But I’m poor, my family is poor, and we can’t afford the pedigree of therapies that would have a ghost of a chance in unraveling all of this jumbled yarn of pain. I might get on the government dole, but most likely I’ll get a therapist who will just say (summarizing it all of course) “Don’t worry, be happy! Don’t dislike yourself! Oh, and there’s a girl out there for you! Oh, and just tell yourself to stop being passive aggressive!”
Yeah… thanks Sherlock. If it were that easy, do you really think I’d be coming to you? Do I look like an idiot who can’t just hit that oh-so convenient on-off switch for happiness?
As an aside, ALL of this that I’ve written about is me about 50% of the time. The other half of the time I’m outgoing, cheerful, have a dry but goofy sense of humor, and love to have fun. Scratch that, I always love to have fun!
This post was deleted for the following reason: Heya, I'm sorry you are dealing with all this, but this is unfortunately like you note pretty all-over-the-place and there's not really a concrete question here. Maybe rewrite a s more focused "this is what I'm asking for" sort of thing and repost next week? -- cortex
« Older Buying a used motorbike on Craigslist with the... | What kinds of boundaries can I set with a... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.