Living with estrangement.
February 23, 2014 3:55 PM Subscribe
I am estranged from my immediate and extended family. I can barely cope.
I became estranged from my parents back in August 2012 for good reason. There was always a tense vibe in the household in fear of my dad's outbursts (an example of this is detailed in the aforementioned AskMe), and so I became withdrawn and depressed with anger management problems. This was coupled with a panic disorder that expressed itself by giving me diarrhea at the most inconvenient times, and so I became housebound for fear of humiliating myself in public. My parents willfully turned a blind eye and so I attempted suicide at 17. Treatment under my parents’ care was still nonexistent after discharge from a psychiatric hospital.
Fast-forward to 20 years old. I got real tired of my dad's shit during one of his abusive episodes where he used fear and intimidation to demand to know who I was sleeping with. I told him that it was none of his business and he kicked me out. As I left the house, I ripped the screen door off its' hinges and threw a potted plant at his face. I'm not advocating that my behavior was right, but at the moment I felt liberated from his repression and it was great. (Note: I was a cowering little girl who never abused back up until this point.)
However, I didn't foresee that along with estranging myself from my father, I would also lose my immediate and extended family as well. My enabling mom chose not to talk to me, which wasn't all that surprising, but what stunned me was my little sister. I thought she'd understand because she was the one who cleaned up broken plates and furniture after my dad's abusive episodes.
We never got along due to sibling rivalry. As small children, she was always doted on with attention because she was the youngest and I used to bully her out of jealousy. On the flip side, our parents spent all their money on me because I was the eldest, but being the eldest also meant I took the brunt of our dad’s abuse as well. She was rarely targeted, but she was envious of my materialistic things and thought unkindly of me for being gifted them.
A few years before she estranged herself from me, I tried very hard to rekindle our relationship. Being the hormonal teenager that she was, she wasn't too reciprocating but I knew she loved me because she secretly told someone so. Unfortunately, she decided that it was time to end our relationship after the last incident between our dad and I because she perceived me at fault due to my lashing out at him and how I treated my boyfriends. (I had an anger management problem that subsided by taking Lexapro for depression). My other sister asked me why I didn't just get along with the program, essentially asking me why I didn’t just put up with the abuse and repression.
Anyway, I went to live with my aunt and uncle after estranging from my parents. I thought it would be the perfect scenario because my parents hate these people after a blotched real estate deal and hasn’t spoken to them since. Unfortunately, my meddling grandparents caught wind of what happened and started to pass information about me to my mother when I repeatedly told them to stop. They’d tell her little mundane details about my life like what I was up to on the day-to-day, my GPA, what my boyfriend looks like, what I confided in them, and etc. I’d tell them to stop telling this woman, who failed to intervene while I was being abused, who stood by my father and revoked ALL financial support, including providing her information for FAFSA, who never picked up the phone and called me immediately after I was kicked out despite knowing I moved in with her brother’s family, and etc. any information about me at all because we were supposed to be estranged. My grandparents would promise to stop, but continued to tell her tidbits about my life anyway.
I understand my grandparents had good intentions and that they were in a tough spot between their daughter and granddaughter. I tried so hard to make peace with them passing information to my mom but I just couldn’t start feeling comfortable about it.
About six months of repeated pleas for them to stop later, my grandparents gave my mom my cell phone number and she called me. Our conversation started out somewhat civil in which she told me she wanted to put away our past, but I felt like she didn’t own up to her mistakes. So I started asking questions. Where were you when I first got kicked out? How come you didn’t offer any financial support when you are the breadwinner? How come you didn’t intervene when I overheard dad telling you he was plotting my murder? She dodged all my questions, until the last one. She told me she thinks I brought the abuse onto myself and that my dad was in the right for wanting to kill me because of my “nasty temper”.
After I hung up on my mother, I called my grandparents in tears. They told me that my mom has a tendency to say the wrong things, but she has a good heart. Like for example, She asked her side of the family to look out for me after our estrangement and called my grandparents everyday to see how I’m doing. However, I couldn’t get over her hurtful words and told them, again, not to tell her anything. Knowing that they wouldn’t keep their promise, I planned my escape from my extended family. I packed my things, left a very grateful letter to my aunt and uncle for all the things they’ve done for me, and told them I moved to my new school where I told everybody I got admitted to.
In reality, I had my admissions rescinded because a professor refused to add me to a pre-requisite class, so I went straight to my boyfriend’s house with my things. These experiences were so traumatic that when I distanced myself from the drama, my mental health plummeted fast. I got hospitalized four times with one suicide attempt. I was uninsured so I racked up a whole bunch of debt that got sent to collections. I don’t know what to do with them.
I’m still too sick to go back to school or seek employment. I’m too sick to even keep up with my therapy appointments, where I was working out the tremendous guilt I felt for ditching my elderly grandparent. The only thing that is keeping me from attempting suicide again is Lexapro. I pop one in the morning and then bum around the whole day before I go to bed. And in my dreams I’m being abused again, or I have sad encounters with certain family members. I just need to know other people have survived this.
I became estranged from my parents back in August 2012 for good reason. There was always a tense vibe in the household in fear of my dad's outbursts (an example of this is detailed in the aforementioned AskMe), and so I became withdrawn and depressed with anger management problems. This was coupled with a panic disorder that expressed itself by giving me diarrhea at the most inconvenient times, and so I became housebound for fear of humiliating myself in public. My parents willfully turned a blind eye and so I attempted suicide at 17. Treatment under my parents’ care was still nonexistent after discharge from a psychiatric hospital.
Fast-forward to 20 years old. I got real tired of my dad's shit during one of his abusive episodes where he used fear and intimidation to demand to know who I was sleeping with. I told him that it was none of his business and he kicked me out. As I left the house, I ripped the screen door off its' hinges and threw a potted plant at his face. I'm not advocating that my behavior was right, but at the moment I felt liberated from his repression and it was great. (Note: I was a cowering little girl who never abused back up until this point.)
However, I didn't foresee that along with estranging myself from my father, I would also lose my immediate and extended family as well. My enabling mom chose not to talk to me, which wasn't all that surprising, but what stunned me was my little sister. I thought she'd understand because she was the one who cleaned up broken plates and furniture after my dad's abusive episodes.
We never got along due to sibling rivalry. As small children, she was always doted on with attention because she was the youngest and I used to bully her out of jealousy. On the flip side, our parents spent all their money on me because I was the eldest, but being the eldest also meant I took the brunt of our dad’s abuse as well. She was rarely targeted, but she was envious of my materialistic things and thought unkindly of me for being gifted them.
A few years before she estranged herself from me, I tried very hard to rekindle our relationship. Being the hormonal teenager that she was, she wasn't too reciprocating but I knew she loved me because she secretly told someone so. Unfortunately, she decided that it was time to end our relationship after the last incident between our dad and I because she perceived me at fault due to my lashing out at him and how I treated my boyfriends. (I had an anger management problem that subsided by taking Lexapro for depression). My other sister asked me why I didn't just get along with the program, essentially asking me why I didn’t just put up with the abuse and repression.
Anyway, I went to live with my aunt and uncle after estranging from my parents. I thought it would be the perfect scenario because my parents hate these people after a blotched real estate deal and hasn’t spoken to them since. Unfortunately, my meddling grandparents caught wind of what happened and started to pass information about me to my mother when I repeatedly told them to stop. They’d tell her little mundane details about my life like what I was up to on the day-to-day, my GPA, what my boyfriend looks like, what I confided in them, and etc. I’d tell them to stop telling this woman, who failed to intervene while I was being abused, who stood by my father and revoked ALL financial support, including providing her information for FAFSA, who never picked up the phone and called me immediately after I was kicked out despite knowing I moved in with her brother’s family, and etc. any information about me at all because we were supposed to be estranged. My grandparents would promise to stop, but continued to tell her tidbits about my life anyway.
I understand my grandparents had good intentions and that they were in a tough spot between their daughter and granddaughter. I tried so hard to make peace with them passing information to my mom but I just couldn’t start feeling comfortable about it.
About six months of repeated pleas for them to stop later, my grandparents gave my mom my cell phone number and she called me. Our conversation started out somewhat civil in which she told me she wanted to put away our past, but I felt like she didn’t own up to her mistakes. So I started asking questions. Where were you when I first got kicked out? How come you didn’t offer any financial support when you are the breadwinner? How come you didn’t intervene when I overheard dad telling you he was plotting my murder? She dodged all my questions, until the last one. She told me she thinks I brought the abuse onto myself and that my dad was in the right for wanting to kill me because of my “nasty temper”.
After I hung up on my mother, I called my grandparents in tears. They told me that my mom has a tendency to say the wrong things, but she has a good heart. Like for example, She asked her side of the family to look out for me after our estrangement and called my grandparents everyday to see how I’m doing. However, I couldn’t get over her hurtful words and told them, again, not to tell her anything. Knowing that they wouldn’t keep their promise, I planned my escape from my extended family. I packed my things, left a very grateful letter to my aunt and uncle for all the things they’ve done for me, and told them I moved to my new school where I told everybody I got admitted to.
In reality, I had my admissions rescinded because a professor refused to add me to a pre-requisite class, so I went straight to my boyfriend’s house with my things. These experiences were so traumatic that when I distanced myself from the drama, my mental health plummeted fast. I got hospitalized four times with one suicide attempt. I was uninsured so I racked up a whole bunch of debt that got sent to collections. I don’t know what to do with them.
I’m still too sick to go back to school or seek employment. I’m too sick to even keep up with my therapy appointments, where I was working out the tremendous guilt I felt for ditching my elderly grandparent. The only thing that is keeping me from attempting suicide again is Lexapro. I pop one in the morning and then bum around the whole day before I go to bed. And in my dreams I’m being abused again, or I have sad encounters with certain family members. I just need to know other people have survived this.
This post was deleted for the following reason: Hey, sorry that you are going through some rough stuff. This needs to me more of a question to work here, though - contact us soon if you want to try to rework it. -- restless_nomad
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