I'm stuck and not sure how to do life.
December 17, 2013 11:16 PM Subscribe
I am lost on how to proceed with my life/diet. Because #1 - There are many positives to eating strict #2 - There are many negatives to eating strict.
Before I say more, I must say this: This site, its users, have been a huge resource for me over the years. Your input has challenged me, encouraged me, and provided me with perspective when I surely needed it! I want to thank you for making a difference in my life!
Back to the question:
This next one is a doozey. And I think I frustrated my last good therapist with it. Here it goes. A few years ago I started reading and learning about nutrition and how it influences the mind and body. I had always struggled with mental problems (ADD, ocd, anxiety, depression) and stomach problems so I became inspired and started making changes to my diet. The thing is, it isn't just gluten or dairy but, several foods that my body finds toxic. And avoiding all these foods causes detox symptoms that last a long time. Eventually the detox stops, but then, slip-ups eventually happen. And then, in order to feel good again, I have to avoid the toxic foods and endure that long, awful detox. The diet along with the detox has put a strain on my relationships namely the one with my significant other. So, I really don't know how to proceed with life. Or, how to think through this.
I did make a positive and negatives list for this:
Positive:
- Think clearer, remember easier = WORK is easier.
- Control my health easier. ESPECIALLY blood pressure and blood sugar control
- Spiritually, I feel a deeper connection to higher power ... a feeling that i am doing the "right" thing
- Greater empathy and sensitivity to people.
- Don't have that "intoxicated" feeling.
- Digestion improves.
- Moods normalize better
Negative:
- Less social; creates some distance between people due to not eating the same foods.
- Physical withdrawal and detox takes LONG time which puts burden on relationships.
- Less flexibility in life --- travel and dinner events are difficult with a strict diet.
- Cheating seems to start the cycle all over again = have to be perfect.
- In some ways, life doesn't feel as fun.
- I love food; especially the stuff that feels toxic to my body.
Before I say more, I must say this: This site, its users, have been a huge resource for me over the years. Your input has challenged me, encouraged me, and provided me with perspective when I surely needed it! I want to thank you for making a difference in my life!
Back to the question:
This next one is a doozey. And I think I frustrated my last good therapist with it. Here it goes. A few years ago I started reading and learning about nutrition and how it influences the mind and body. I had always struggled with mental problems (ADD, ocd, anxiety, depression) and stomach problems so I became inspired and started making changes to my diet. The thing is, it isn't just gluten or dairy but, several foods that my body finds toxic. And avoiding all these foods causes detox symptoms that last a long time. Eventually the detox stops, but then, slip-ups eventually happen. And then, in order to feel good again, I have to avoid the toxic foods and endure that long, awful detox. The diet along with the detox has put a strain on my relationships namely the one with my significant other. So, I really don't know how to proceed with life. Or, how to think through this.
I did make a positive and negatives list for this:
Positive:
- Think clearer, remember easier = WORK is easier.
- Control my health easier. ESPECIALLY blood pressure and blood sugar control
- Spiritually, I feel a deeper connection to higher power ... a feeling that i am doing the "right" thing
- Greater empathy and sensitivity to people.
- Don't have that "intoxicated" feeling.
- Digestion improves.
- Moods normalize better
Negative:
- Less social; creates some distance between people due to not eating the same foods.
- Physical withdrawal and detox takes LONG time which puts burden on relationships.
- Less flexibility in life --- travel and dinner events are difficult with a strict diet.
- Cheating seems to start the cycle all over again = have to be perfect.
- In some ways, life doesn't feel as fun.
- I love food; especially the stuff that feels toxic to my body.
Response by poster: Hi there Old Man McKay,
Thanks for taking an interest.
Detox symptoms = Itchy, burning skin. Fatigue. Among other things.
I have done different types of food allergy testing. I have been tested for traditional allergies and I have been tested for food intolerances (with 2 different companies). I have also worked with a couple docs and one nutritionist in the past. I used the food intolerance's list as a starting point for a food elimination/reintroduction. Then based my diet upon my response to the foods. Essentially foods that I felt good after eating, I kept on eating. Foods that caused gas/bloating (among other symptoms) I kept out. I do my best to eat a balanced meal (carbs, protein and healthy fat).
Hope I answered your questions.
posted by learninguntilidie at 12:00 AM on December 18, 2013
Thanks for taking an interest.
Detox symptoms = Itchy, burning skin. Fatigue. Among other things.
I have done different types of food allergy testing. I have been tested for traditional allergies and I have been tested for food intolerances (with 2 different companies). I have also worked with a couple docs and one nutritionist in the past. I used the food intolerance's list as a starting point for a food elimination/reintroduction. Then based my diet upon my response to the foods. Essentially foods that I felt good after eating, I kept on eating. Foods that caused gas/bloating (among other symptoms) I kept out. I do my best to eat a balanced meal (carbs, protein and healthy fat).
Hope I answered your questions.
posted by learninguntilidie at 12:00 AM on December 18, 2013
To me this question sounds like you have a lot of psychological issues around food and that you really shouldn't be self-diagnosing what you need to eat. Go see a nutritionist and follow their recommendations. Whatever psychological benefits you think you're getting from eating a strict diet, you're almost certainly not realizing any physical health benefits from it.
posted by empath at 12:05 AM on December 18, 2013 [34 favorites]
posted by empath at 12:05 AM on December 18, 2013 [34 favorites]
Yeah, seconding empath.
I do appreciate that you started this path by working with a nutritionist, but then you say that you used the food intolerance's list as a "starting point" - were you working WITH your doctors on that stage, or did you take the things that your doctor said were problematic and then continue to add things to that list without telling your doctor you were doing that?
Also, it's not clear to me that you've spoken to your doctor about these "detox symptoms" you're having, and if you're already working with a nutritionist, it seems that they would be MUCH better able to address this than a bunch of internet strangers. This also makes me suspicious that your doctor doesn't know that you've kept on experimenting with other foods and have kept adding to your "bad foods" list.
Finally, an anecdote to think about - an old roommate of mine similarly made great changes to her diet after some reading about various "healthier" diets (veganism, gluten-free) and also ate very strictly for a while. She also tried the same kind of food elimination thing you're doing; but she didn't work with a nutritionist while she was doing it. But then after a couple years of this she finally checked in with a doctor about it - and her doctor ascertained that she'd gotten so carried away and had done it so wrong for so long, that her doctor had to temporarily put her on the same kind of diet he'd ordinarily give to someone who was recovering from anorexia. She didn't have anorexia, that was just a reflection of how badly she'd been inadvertently starving herself by not working with a nutritionist the whole time.
Please discuss your current diet issues with a nutritionist. You've worked with one in the past, you should still be working with one now if you're making big changes to your diet. Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:27 AM on December 18, 2013 [4 favorites]
I do appreciate that you started this path by working with a nutritionist, but then you say that you used the food intolerance's list as a "starting point" - were you working WITH your doctors on that stage, or did you take the things that your doctor said were problematic and then continue to add things to that list without telling your doctor you were doing that?
Also, it's not clear to me that you've spoken to your doctor about these "detox symptoms" you're having, and if you're already working with a nutritionist, it seems that they would be MUCH better able to address this than a bunch of internet strangers. This also makes me suspicious that your doctor doesn't know that you've kept on experimenting with other foods and have kept adding to your "bad foods" list.
Finally, an anecdote to think about - an old roommate of mine similarly made great changes to her diet after some reading about various "healthier" diets (veganism, gluten-free) and also ate very strictly for a while. She also tried the same kind of food elimination thing you're doing; but she didn't work with a nutritionist while she was doing it. But then after a couple years of this she finally checked in with a doctor about it - and her doctor ascertained that she'd gotten so carried away and had done it so wrong for so long, that her doctor had to temporarily put her on the same kind of diet he'd ordinarily give to someone who was recovering from anorexia. She didn't have anorexia, that was just a reflection of how badly she'd been inadvertently starving herself by not working with a nutritionist the whole time.
Please discuss your current diet issues with a nutritionist. You've worked with one in the past, you should still be working with one now if you're making big changes to your diet. Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:27 AM on December 18, 2013 [4 favorites]
One funny quirk I've noticed about AskMe threads is that folks have a tendency to stop reading the question and start reacting whenever we see the word detox. It's hard not to -- there are so many scammy, predatory diets out there that co-opt this term that it's difficult to differentiate the word into the way (I believe) you intend it here: Sometimes, you eat something that it doesn't sit well with you, and you feel crappy until it's no longer in your system.
The suggestions to work with a nutritionist are good, and I think it'll help you understand why certain foods have certain effects. Wheat products and dairy make me feel crappy, too. Same with too much sodium or caffeine or sugar, and I think that's pretty normal to notice the effect. I've limited animal-based products on the recommendation of my doctor, and that's been a really positive thing. I tend to feel better when I eat more veggies and avoid the things that make me feel awful.
Your nutritionist can help introduce you to a variety of foods that will be healthful for you. You may have legitimate food restrictions for medical or ethical reasons, and that's OK. It's a big world -- you can eat a healthy diet while avoiding foods that don't work for you, even if that means eating wheat-free or dairy-free.
It may also take some time to navigate the social aspect. It feels really alienating sometimes to sit next to a friend nomming on a cheeseburger when your own way of eating doesn't include red meat, cheese, or bread -- it's not even about the food. You just feel weird being an outsider.
There are three things that have been helpful for me when enjoying meals with others:
1. Cultivate genuine enthusiasm for the many foods you do eat. I will go out of my way for a good spinach salad with vegan dressing, and I yearn for clementines at Christmas. Radishes make my head spin! Food is wonderful, and restrictions have a way of cultivating a taste for a bigger variety of food.
2. Don't talk about your diet or limitations with people who don't have those limitations. It never helps, and sometimes people (for whatever reason) have a way of feeling you're being judgy or weird or smug. It's a boring (and isolating) topic anyway. Just order or make or bring something you love (see 1) and enjoy it.
3. Find more friends or acquaintances who don't always eat the standard diet. The folks at the juice shop near my house are lovely. I'm not a raw vegan, but I'm curious about incorporating some of those options and trying new things, so I might look into a raw vegan class, etc.
Folks really do mean well and are sometimes correct to be concerned about limitations masking a larger issue. I had a friend who hid her anorexia from all of us, and herself, by cutting out food groups over the years. But folks should also understand that's not always the case, and should not be so quick to dismiss someone's way of eating as merely psychological.
posted by mochapickle at 1:06 AM on December 18, 2013 [5 favorites]
The suggestions to work with a nutritionist are good, and I think it'll help you understand why certain foods have certain effects. Wheat products and dairy make me feel crappy, too. Same with too much sodium or caffeine or sugar, and I think that's pretty normal to notice the effect. I've limited animal-based products on the recommendation of my doctor, and that's been a really positive thing. I tend to feel better when I eat more veggies and avoid the things that make me feel awful.
Your nutritionist can help introduce you to a variety of foods that will be healthful for you. You may have legitimate food restrictions for medical or ethical reasons, and that's OK. It's a big world -- you can eat a healthy diet while avoiding foods that don't work for you, even if that means eating wheat-free or dairy-free.
It may also take some time to navigate the social aspect. It feels really alienating sometimes to sit next to a friend nomming on a cheeseburger when your own way of eating doesn't include red meat, cheese, or bread -- it's not even about the food. You just feel weird being an outsider.
There are three things that have been helpful for me when enjoying meals with others:
1. Cultivate genuine enthusiasm for the many foods you do eat. I will go out of my way for a good spinach salad with vegan dressing, and I yearn for clementines at Christmas. Radishes make my head spin! Food is wonderful, and restrictions have a way of cultivating a taste for a bigger variety of food.
2. Don't talk about your diet or limitations with people who don't have those limitations. It never helps, and sometimes people (for whatever reason) have a way of feeling you're being judgy or weird or smug. It's a boring (and isolating) topic anyway. Just order or make or bring something you love (see 1) and enjoy it.
3. Find more friends or acquaintances who don't always eat the standard diet. The folks at the juice shop near my house are lovely. I'm not a raw vegan, but I'm curious about incorporating some of those options and trying new things, so I might look into a raw vegan class, etc.
Folks really do mean well and are sometimes correct to be concerned about limitations masking a larger issue. I had a friend who hid her anorexia from all of us, and herself, by cutting out food groups over the years. But folks should also understand that's not always the case, and should not be so quick to dismiss someone's way of eating as merely psychological.
posted by mochapickle at 1:06 AM on December 18, 2013 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Actually I disagree with some of what is being said here, but, it may be a miscommunication on my part. I should have really discussed my desire to eat food from restaurants, dinners, and processed stuff but when I do that, later, I suffer the consequences.
Look forward to hearing others perspectives!
posted by learninguntilidie at 1:12 AM on December 18, 2013
Look forward to hearing others perspectives!
posted by learninguntilidie at 1:12 AM on December 18, 2013
Hmmm, I think you could be a little bit more clear with what your actual question is on this one, it's a little confusing. I also think your use of the terms "toxic" and "detox" are muddying the waters somewhat.
I'm gonna tell you a story, I don't know if it will help. It's about me, and a significant relative in my life.
We both have modified diets. I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder (colitis) from a colonoscopy. She was diagnosed with... I don't know what, exactly, by a range of different medical professionals. Seems to be mostly allergy related, though at times she can and does eat a lot of different foods. We both have to avoid certain types of foods - some foods some of the time, and some foods pretty much all of the time. I well know the awkwardness that comes from restricted diets, believe me.
People seem to be relatively cool with my limitations, and not so much my relative's. I have written before about ways I try to minimise the awkwardness around my diet.
But I want to talk about a couple of other things. I don't want to second guess you here, but when it comes to digestive... incidents it is very, very hard to pin the blame on specific things - it's very hard, even with an elimination diet, even with a food diary. Human beings are not accurate with pattern recognition, and it has taken me literally years to figure out what gives me trouble. Aand you know what? Sometimes I have trouble anyway, and sometimes I eat the bad stuff, and I'm totally fine. I'm just saying by all means eat what works for you, but don't blindly trust your gut (heh). Your gut is terrible at this kind of thing. But the "storytelling" aspect of trying to make sense of confusing and ambivalent symptoms is very hard to get away from.
On that storytelling aspect: Most people don't want to know about your restrictions. It sucks, it makes things hard, but there you go. They don't want to know, and really, they don't need to know. Chronic illness is very isolating, and this is one of the ways it can isolate. My relative is constantly telling people incredibly convoluted - if not borderline incoherent - stories about her illness to people. It's very awkward.
But why does she do this if the results are so negative for her? She does it because diet, for better and for worse, has become part of her broader psychological response to issues in her life. It gives her a sense of control over things. It gives her a sense of being special, of - justifiably, medically - needing to be looked after. It stops her from feeling guilty when she eats lots of things that are actually unhealthy though they are "okay" in her list. It gives her a system to focus on when she is stressed out by things in her life, especially things she can't control. Given the list of psychological challenges you listed at the start of the question, I can't help but wonder if this diet isn't a source of comfort, in addition to being a source of stress and anxiety for you. There's a sort of stockholm syndrome that can evolve with chronic illness, I think. You hate your captor, but you're also bonded to it, in a weird way. Have you considered how stressors in your life impact your digestive issues and - critically - how stressors in your life impact your response to your digestive issues?
Finally, on a more prosaic note, and as a corollary to all that. Sometimes, you know, I just say what the fuck, and I eat the thing that's going to give me crippling, bed-binding pain that will last for hours even a day or two; terrible, heinous shits of Lovecraftian hue and aromas that kill smaller mammals. I get symptoms that bad, I eat my painkillers, I lie in bed, and I attempt to sleep a lot. And you know what? It's totally worth it, sometimes.
I do not do so well with fats, alcohols, and sugars - especially the latter two, so Christmas, with its sweet liquor and cakes and socialising is an especially trying time for me. And I just do it sometimes. I take smaller - if not the smallest - portions I can, and I enjoy myself, and I clear the schedule the following day. And sometimes I'm fine. And sometimes I'm not but it's just Christmas.
What I'm saying, OP, is you can have a square of chocolate after a safe meal; it's unlikely to really "tox" you in any significant way. And if you can't I would suggest the problem lies not within the chocolate, but within yourself.
Best of luck, I hope this helps.
posted by smoke at 1:56 AM on December 18, 2013 [12 favorites]
I'm gonna tell you a story, I don't know if it will help. It's about me, and a significant relative in my life.
We both have modified diets. I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder (colitis) from a colonoscopy. She was diagnosed with... I don't know what, exactly, by a range of different medical professionals. Seems to be mostly allergy related, though at times she can and does eat a lot of different foods. We both have to avoid certain types of foods - some foods some of the time, and some foods pretty much all of the time. I well know the awkwardness that comes from restricted diets, believe me.
People seem to be relatively cool with my limitations, and not so much my relative's. I have written before about ways I try to minimise the awkwardness around my diet.
But I want to talk about a couple of other things. I don't want to second guess you here, but when it comes to digestive... incidents it is very, very hard to pin the blame on specific things - it's very hard, even with an elimination diet, even with a food diary. Human beings are not accurate with pattern recognition, and it has taken me literally years to figure out what gives me trouble. Aand you know what? Sometimes I have trouble anyway, and sometimes I eat the bad stuff, and I'm totally fine. I'm just saying by all means eat what works for you, but don't blindly trust your gut (heh). Your gut is terrible at this kind of thing. But the "storytelling" aspect of trying to make sense of confusing and ambivalent symptoms is very hard to get away from.
On that storytelling aspect: Most people don't want to know about your restrictions. It sucks, it makes things hard, but there you go. They don't want to know, and really, they don't need to know. Chronic illness is very isolating, and this is one of the ways it can isolate. My relative is constantly telling people incredibly convoluted - if not borderline incoherent - stories about her illness to people. It's very awkward.
But why does she do this if the results are so negative for her? She does it because diet, for better and for worse, has become part of her broader psychological response to issues in her life. It gives her a sense of control over things. It gives her a sense of being special, of - justifiably, medically - needing to be looked after. It stops her from feeling guilty when she eats lots of things that are actually unhealthy though they are "okay" in her list. It gives her a system to focus on when she is stressed out by things in her life, especially things she can't control. Given the list of psychological challenges you listed at the start of the question, I can't help but wonder if this diet isn't a source of comfort, in addition to being a source of stress and anxiety for you. There's a sort of stockholm syndrome that can evolve with chronic illness, I think. You hate your captor, but you're also bonded to it, in a weird way. Have you considered how stressors in your life impact your digestive issues and - critically - how stressors in your life impact your response to your digestive issues?
Finally, on a more prosaic note, and as a corollary to all that. Sometimes, you know, I just say what the fuck, and I eat the thing that's going to give me crippling, bed-binding pain that will last for hours even a day or two; terrible, heinous shits of Lovecraftian hue and aromas that kill smaller mammals. I get symptoms that bad, I eat my painkillers, I lie in bed, and I attempt to sleep a lot. And you know what? It's totally worth it, sometimes.
I do not do so well with fats, alcohols, and sugars - especially the latter two, so Christmas, with its sweet liquor and cakes and socialising is an especially trying time for me. And I just do it sometimes. I take smaller - if not the smallest - portions I can, and I enjoy myself, and I clear the schedule the following day. And sometimes I'm fine. And sometimes I'm not but it's just Christmas.
What I'm saying, OP, is you can have a square of chocolate after a safe meal; it's unlikely to really "tox" you in any significant way. And if you can't I would suggest the problem lies not within the chocolate, but within yourself.
Best of luck, I hope this helps.
posted by smoke at 1:56 AM on December 18, 2013 [12 favorites]
Addendum: I see in a previous question, you mention abuse in your childhood. Interestingly, my relative also suffered from terrible abuse in her childhood.
Disordered eating of one type or another is a common response to childhood abuse, OP.
posted by smoke at 2:05 AM on December 18, 2013 [3 favorites]
Disordered eating of one type or another is a common response to childhood abuse, OP.
posted by smoke at 2:05 AM on December 18, 2013 [3 favorites]
How did your diet change? There are ways to remain sane whilst changing your diet for the better. Without trying to be a shill for mentioning it so often, have you looked into intermittent fasting? For example, if you choose the method which suggests eating during an 8-hour window (and fasting for the remaining 16 hours) this should allow you to enjoy social eating, as well as enjoying 'fun' foods. In a nutshell, the fasting period allows the body to balance out its natural hormones better, giving the body the rest it needs and the ability to process new inputs (food, light, water etc.) better.
posted by bumcivilian at 2:43 AM on December 18, 2013
posted by bumcivilian at 2:43 AM on December 18, 2013
Response by poster: Bumcivilian === No gluten, diary, sugar, and fermented stuff. Whole foods based diet. I also avoid tomatoes mostly. I'm assuming you do intermittent fasting? Aren't you hungry the other hours?
posted by learninguntilidie at 2:59 AM on December 18, 2013
posted by learninguntilidie at 2:59 AM on December 18, 2013
If cutting those has helped, I'd persevere, though a small amount/special occasions for the avoided foods shouldn't do too much damage long-term. I try to avoid yeast and lactose myself.
As for the fasting, it can be hard at first, but getting past the barrier comes fairly quickly. If you do find yourself going a bit mad during the fast, just break it and try again another day. During the period you can have black coffee or herbal teas, no milk or fruit teas. I prefer just water myself. I tend to not have breakfast any more; contrary to popular news articles, breakfast isn't the most important meal of the day at all, though it is helpful for more energetic days.
I have a few autoimmune conditions myself (hypothyroidism, type 1 diabetes, ulcerative colitis) and find fasting helps these issues a lot.
A decent, short article mentioning the benefits of intermittent fasting: The Hormonal Reset
I bluff most of this knowledge but I'll try to provide further information if I can!
posted by bumcivilian at 3:47 AM on December 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
As for the fasting, it can be hard at first, but getting past the barrier comes fairly quickly. If you do find yourself going a bit mad during the fast, just break it and try again another day. During the period you can have black coffee or herbal teas, no milk or fruit teas. I prefer just water myself. I tend to not have breakfast any more; contrary to popular news articles, breakfast isn't the most important meal of the day at all, though it is helpful for more energetic days.
I have a few autoimmune conditions myself (hypothyroidism, type 1 diabetes, ulcerative colitis) and find fasting helps these issues a lot.
A decent, short article mentioning the benefits of intermittent fasting: The Hormonal Reset
I bluff most of this knowledge but I'll try to provide further information if I can!
posted by bumcivilian at 3:47 AM on December 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
I have been overweight most of my life and on some kind of diet for most of my life. Earlier this year I did an elimination diet, after having some pretty severe gastric issues. Based on the elimination diet I have a negative response to wheat/gluten, eggs, nuts, and chocolate. I was tested for these foods at an allergists office at other times in my life, and the results were inconclusive, but based on how well I was feeling, I have mostly eliminated them from my diet.
Nearly everyone I know is bored to tears with me and my food-freaks. It sounds a lot like I'm just following the fad of the moment, and because I have a history of doing just that, well, it's hard to argue.
So I just try to shut up about it. I can craft a meal from most restaurant menus. I just order what I want and become involved in a conversation.
What you describe sounds an awful lot like disordered eating. The black/white thinking, the 'detox' all of it. I recommend that you speak with a Registered Dietitian. An RD is a professional who is certified by a state board. A "Nutritionist" is anyone who wants to hang a shingle. Get a program you can live with, and then live.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:21 AM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
Nearly everyone I know is bored to tears with me and my food-freaks. It sounds a lot like I'm just following the fad of the moment, and because I have a history of doing just that, well, it's hard to argue.
So I just try to shut up about it. I can craft a meal from most restaurant menus. I just order what I want and become involved in a conversation.
What you describe sounds an awful lot like disordered eating. The black/white thinking, the 'detox' all of it. I recommend that you speak with a Registered Dietitian. An RD is a professional who is certified by a state board. A "Nutritionist" is anyone who wants to hang a shingle. Get a program you can live with, and then live.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:21 AM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
Based on your question, I'd advise to work with a psychologist (/counselor/lcsw/therapist) who deals specifically with disordered eating (which is not the same as an eating disorder). You've entangled food and emotions so much that it's hard to tell what is a physical dietary effect and what is emotional/psychological. Eating shouldn't be this hard -- even if you have true intolerances/allergies/IBS. Food is just food.
posted by melissasaurus at 5:36 AM on December 18, 2013 [6 favorites]
posted by melissasaurus at 5:36 AM on December 18, 2013 [6 favorites]
You really do have to find a balance. Your body will adjust. If your diet is so strict that you are isolating yourself, and changing it will not kill you, then you will have to change it. I have food sensitivities (probiotics are wonderful, btw) so I feel your pain. I've developed a list of loose rules to help cope:
1. If it has sugar, then it must be good chocolate, otherwise, it isn't worth the misery.
2. Restaurant food is going to make me feel bad later but is totally worth it.
3. Eating smaller amounts of questionable food is better than eating large amounts, I graze when I'm eating with friends.
4. No one wants to hear about health issues that won't result in death. I only share my issues if I can get a laugh out of someone with it.
posted by myselfasme at 5:42 AM on December 18, 2013 [3 favorites]
1. If it has sugar, then it must be good chocolate, otherwise, it isn't worth the misery.
2. Restaurant food is going to make me feel bad later but is totally worth it.
3. Eating smaller amounts of questionable food is better than eating large amounts, I graze when I'm eating with friends.
4. No one wants to hear about health issues that won't result in death. I only share my issues if I can get a laugh out of someone with it.
posted by myselfasme at 5:42 AM on December 18, 2013 [3 favorites]
The diet along with the detox has put a strain on my relationships namely the one with my significant other.
I'm not a nutritionist or doctor or anything else. I won't speak to the scientific basis of your restricted diet or any of that. This line above stood out to me. I'm assuming your spouse cares about you, wants to see you be well, wants to have a happy life with you.
Why do you think they are pushing back on this diet if it is so good for you? Are they just selfish and want to go get a big mac, your health be damned? Or are they looking out for you by pushing back on this food based cage you've built for yourself?
You follow this line with a list of positive and negatives. These seem to mostly be about "guilt" vs. "perfection". Feeling spiritually pure is not a quantifiable symptom.
You seem to have jumped into making this positive vs negative list as a way of deflecting introspection. Its just a choice to be made, I don't have to make it. Same with your diet, I don't have to choose to go out with friends my diet has made the choice for me. I don't have to work to feel better about myself, my diet will do that for me.
My husband recently developed a bad case of GERD. He's had to restrict his diet and carefully time his meals and medicines, and I think if he made a pros vs cons list it would look something like this:
Pros: no more chest pains, less painful burping, more careful with what I eat means less junk food and more veggies, heartburn doesn't keep me awake, spend less on food since more home cooked meals, lower chance of long term problems (esophageal issues) vs untreated. Can still have some restricted foods in moderation.
Cons: fewer choices when we eat out, worrying about what I eat is frustrating, missing spicy foods.
Do you see how this list is different from yours?
posted by fontophilic at 5:46 AM on December 18, 2013 [10 favorites]
I'm not a nutritionist or doctor or anything else. I won't speak to the scientific basis of your restricted diet or any of that. This line above stood out to me. I'm assuming your spouse cares about you, wants to see you be well, wants to have a happy life with you.
Why do you think they are pushing back on this diet if it is so good for you? Are they just selfish and want to go get a big mac, your health be damned? Or are they looking out for you by pushing back on this food based cage you've built for yourself?
You follow this line with a list of positive and negatives. These seem to mostly be about "guilt" vs. "perfection". Feeling spiritually pure is not a quantifiable symptom.
You seem to have jumped into making this positive vs negative list as a way of deflecting introspection. Its just a choice to be made, I don't have to make it. Same with your diet, I don't have to choose to go out with friends my diet has made the choice for me. I don't have to work to feel better about myself, my diet will do that for me.
My husband recently developed a bad case of GERD. He's had to restrict his diet and carefully time his meals and medicines, and I think if he made a pros vs cons list it would look something like this:
Pros: no more chest pains, less painful burping, more careful with what I eat means less junk food and more veggies, heartburn doesn't keep me awake, spend less on food since more home cooked meals, lower chance of long term problems (esophageal issues) vs untreated. Can still have some restricted foods in moderation.
Cons: fewer choices when we eat out, worrying about what I eat is frustrating, missing spicy foods.
Do you see how this list is different from yours?
posted by fontophilic at 5:46 AM on December 18, 2013 [10 favorites]
The thing that stands out to me about your question is that you conflate your life and your diet in your title ("I'm stuck and not sure how to do life.") and the first line of your question ("I am lost on how to proceed with my life/diet").
A big sign that someone is behaving in an unhealthy way is when that behavior interferes with their life. Any lifestyle change will interfere with one's life to some extent. When I exercise, for the most part, I'm not spending time with my husband. But my relationship with my husband does not suffer because I exercise. I think our relationship improves because I exercise. Exercising makes me happy and then I'm more pleasant when I'm around him and it helps me stay healthy so I can bother him for years to come. It sounds like your relationship is suffering as a result of your diet. Why is that?
I'm concerned that your question indicates some black and white thinking where food is concerned. Eating a lot of delicious things makes me gain weight. That doesn't mean that the delicious things are toxic. That is a natural consequence of eating a lot of anything. How much time are we talking here? If you eat something "toxic" today, how long do those detox symptoms last?
A friend of a friend was a professional tri-athlete. She did not let her diet interfere with her ability to spend time with people. When we went out to dinner, she drank water and ordered a green salad, then took out a baggie she had put in her purse with some cut up grilled chicken and threw the chicken on the salad. She didn't make demands of us or the people at the restaurant. We were just a group of people eating out - me filling my face with pizza, her eating a salad with chicken.
It sounds like you are letting your diet run your life. I take a medicine every day and if I drink more than three alcoholic drinks in an evening, sometimes the drinking and the medicine don't mesh and I don't sleep well. But sometimes, knowing that, I choose to have more than three drinks, because it's a party and someone got promoted or bought a house or turned 29 again. I can make the choice that, it's not the end of the world if I feel tired all day tomorrow because I can go to bed early. It sounds like you are not capable of making a choice like that.
It's important to recognize in a relationship that things like having a special diet affect our partners. My husband is a very skinny person and I'm not. So I try to eat salads for lunch so when we're together, we can eat something together that's less healthy.
People with special diets sometimes expect others to just know or cater to them. A vegan friend was going to a picnic with colleagues and they didn't know what to make for her to eat so they just made salad. She had told them she hates salad but they didn't know what they could make her or bring that was vegan. It was a missed opportunity to educate them or bring some of her own foods that she enjoys to show them that being vegan doesn't mean not being able to eat for pleasure. It's annoying when you have to be the ambassador for a different diet but that's what you have to do if you want people to adjust.
I'm concerned that you frustrated your last good therapist with this subject. The combination of anxiety, OCD and special diet, plus the fact that you mention a pro of your diet being that you "feel that you are doing the right thing" while a con is that you "have to be perfect" suggests to me that you may have a problem. When I eat a salad, I don't feel like I'm doing the right thing. I feel full. I don't think that food shouldn't make you feel like you're doing the right thing, not if you have a healthy relationship with food. Similarly, food shouldn't make you feel guilty. Food is not good or evil. It's neutral. No one says, "kat518 is such a jerk because she eats chocolate cake" because that doesn't make sense.
I'm certainly not a doctor but it sounds like you have conflated food and life to an unhealthy degree. I might go talk to your general practitioner about this. They might be able to shed some light on whether this is healthy or not.
posted by kat518 at 7:20 AM on December 18, 2013 [6 favorites]
A big sign that someone is behaving in an unhealthy way is when that behavior interferes with their life. Any lifestyle change will interfere with one's life to some extent. When I exercise, for the most part, I'm not spending time with my husband. But my relationship with my husband does not suffer because I exercise. I think our relationship improves because I exercise. Exercising makes me happy and then I'm more pleasant when I'm around him and it helps me stay healthy so I can bother him for years to come. It sounds like your relationship is suffering as a result of your diet. Why is that?
I'm concerned that your question indicates some black and white thinking where food is concerned. Eating a lot of delicious things makes me gain weight. That doesn't mean that the delicious things are toxic. That is a natural consequence of eating a lot of anything. How much time are we talking here? If you eat something "toxic" today, how long do those detox symptoms last?
A friend of a friend was a professional tri-athlete. She did not let her diet interfere with her ability to spend time with people. When we went out to dinner, she drank water and ordered a green salad, then took out a baggie she had put in her purse with some cut up grilled chicken and threw the chicken on the salad. She didn't make demands of us or the people at the restaurant. We were just a group of people eating out - me filling my face with pizza, her eating a salad with chicken.
It sounds like you are letting your diet run your life. I take a medicine every day and if I drink more than three alcoholic drinks in an evening, sometimes the drinking and the medicine don't mesh and I don't sleep well. But sometimes, knowing that, I choose to have more than three drinks, because it's a party and someone got promoted or bought a house or turned 29 again. I can make the choice that, it's not the end of the world if I feel tired all day tomorrow because I can go to bed early. It sounds like you are not capable of making a choice like that.
It's important to recognize in a relationship that things like having a special diet affect our partners. My husband is a very skinny person and I'm not. So I try to eat salads for lunch so when we're together, we can eat something together that's less healthy.
People with special diets sometimes expect others to just know or cater to them. A vegan friend was going to a picnic with colleagues and they didn't know what to make for her to eat so they just made salad. She had told them she hates salad but they didn't know what they could make her or bring that was vegan. It was a missed opportunity to educate them or bring some of her own foods that she enjoys to show them that being vegan doesn't mean not being able to eat for pleasure. It's annoying when you have to be the ambassador for a different diet but that's what you have to do if you want people to adjust.
I'm concerned that you frustrated your last good therapist with this subject. The combination of anxiety, OCD and special diet, plus the fact that you mention a pro of your diet being that you "feel that you are doing the right thing" while a con is that you "have to be perfect" suggests to me that you may have a problem. When I eat a salad, I don't feel like I'm doing the right thing. I feel full. I don't think that food shouldn't make you feel like you're doing the right thing, not if you have a healthy relationship with food. Similarly, food shouldn't make you feel guilty. Food is not good or evil. It's neutral. No one says, "kat518 is such a jerk because she eats chocolate cake" because that doesn't make sense.
I'm certainly not a doctor but it sounds like you have conflated food and life to an unhealthy degree. I might go talk to your general practitioner about this. They might be able to shed some light on whether this is healthy or not.
posted by kat518 at 7:20 AM on December 18, 2013 [6 favorites]
It's taken me a little bit to get to the heart of your question, but I think I see it now. You've set out this list of pros and cons regarding food that have a worrying tinge of obsession and perfectionism in them, and you've asked how to "do life", and I think I see what you're getting at.
The answer is: You suck it up.
Nobody gets to feel perfectly perfect all the time. And nobody is going to tolerate you taking to your fainting couch for weeks as you detox from an almond. This isn't a doozy, it isn't special or unique. Most people, by 30 years old, are starting to identify stuff that is just no bueno anymore.
Most people also have things in their lives that make them less alert (like babies or sleep disorders), or less good at work (personal problems, hating their jobs, a passion for something else that unfortunately does not pay the rent) or less perfectly spiritually connected to the whatever (life, work, disinterest). Nobody is owed perfect happiness and enjoyment of all things. Life is a series of trade-offs.
You need to start making some. You can either curl up in your own navel and observe yourself in painstaking detail as you detox, or you can dust yourself off and drink more water and focus on being a partner to your partner and a friend to your friends even if you do have to go to the bathroom slightly more often. People get out there and engage with the world even when they're hurt every day, people with life-threatening food issues - diabetes, anaphylactic allergies, intestinal malabsorption - that kind of make you look like an amateur.
Take a GasX and move on, even if you're still a little bloated. Perfection isn't attainable, and it is not something you are entitled to. There will be no trophy for nutrition. You will not get to live forever if you eat the magic combo. You're going to get older, and even more of your shit isn't going to feel good, and you're still going to have responsibilities.
I would suggest working with your therapist on a moratorium on food talk for a while so that you can stop making excuses about bloating and start talking about the choices you're making and what seems to be a fixation on outside forces stopping you from being more realized as a person. There are plenty of highly-realized people in the world who live with malaria and cholera and cancer and not enough food to eat, so that's not the problem.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:49 AM on December 18, 2013 [12 favorites]
The answer is: You suck it up.
Nobody gets to feel perfectly perfect all the time. And nobody is going to tolerate you taking to your fainting couch for weeks as you detox from an almond. This isn't a doozy, it isn't special or unique. Most people, by 30 years old, are starting to identify stuff that is just no bueno anymore.
Most people also have things in their lives that make them less alert (like babies or sleep disorders), or less good at work (personal problems, hating their jobs, a passion for something else that unfortunately does not pay the rent) or less perfectly spiritually connected to the whatever (life, work, disinterest). Nobody is owed perfect happiness and enjoyment of all things. Life is a series of trade-offs.
You need to start making some. You can either curl up in your own navel and observe yourself in painstaking detail as you detox, or you can dust yourself off and drink more water and focus on being a partner to your partner and a friend to your friends even if you do have to go to the bathroom slightly more often. People get out there and engage with the world even when they're hurt every day, people with life-threatening food issues - diabetes, anaphylactic allergies, intestinal malabsorption - that kind of make you look like an amateur.
Take a GasX and move on, even if you're still a little bloated. Perfection isn't attainable, and it is not something you are entitled to. There will be no trophy for nutrition. You will not get to live forever if you eat the magic combo. You're going to get older, and even more of your shit isn't going to feel good, and you're still going to have responsibilities.
I would suggest working with your therapist on a moratorium on food talk for a while so that you can stop making excuses about bloating and start talking about the choices you're making and what seems to be a fixation on outside forces stopping you from being more realized as a person. There are plenty of highly-realized people in the world who live with malaria and cholera and cancer and not enough food to eat, so that's not the problem.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:49 AM on December 18, 2013 [12 favorites]
I also found it notable that you didn't mention specifically what kind of diet you are on. It's not too too hard to navigate the world as gluten-free, or no dairy, or no eggs, or whatever your thing is. What diet is it that you are on? What medical basis do you have for this diet? (I.e. does your doc/therapist/nutrition recommend you do this? Do they know you are doing this?)
To me it sounds like you need to examine whether your OCD could be affecting the way you are relating to food. A few things that stuck out and seemed to me like red flags (echoing some others here).
- Your diet is causing you to make you feel "stuck and not sure how to do life"
- Your strict diet is making you feel "more connected to your higher power" > It's pretty atypical to be putting this much stock into your food choices.
- Your diet is causing conflict in your relationship
- You mentioned "control" as one of the positives of your strict diet
- Your diet is causing your life to feel less fun
- You are ascribing feelings of empathy and connectedness to your diet
So anyway, it seems like these are good points to talk over with your therapist. Also would be good to do some thinking about the placebo effect and what its impact might be here. Also toxicity isn't a feeling, as in an emotive state. I am wondering if some of the physical experiences of toxicity might be psychosomatic.
posted by mermily at 7:53 AM on December 18, 2013 [3 favorites]
To me it sounds like you need to examine whether your OCD could be affecting the way you are relating to food. A few things that stuck out and seemed to me like red flags (echoing some others here).
- Your diet is causing you to make you feel "stuck and not sure how to do life"
- Your strict diet is making you feel "more connected to your higher power" > It's pretty atypical to be putting this much stock into your food choices.
- Your diet is causing conflict in your relationship
- You mentioned "control" as one of the positives of your strict diet
- Your diet is causing your life to feel less fun
- You are ascribing feelings of empathy and connectedness to your diet
So anyway, it seems like these are good points to talk over with your therapist. Also would be good to do some thinking about the placebo effect and what its impact might be here. Also toxicity isn't a feeling, as in an emotive state. I am wondering if some of the physical experiences of toxicity might be psychosomatic.
posted by mermily at 7:53 AM on December 18, 2013 [3 favorites]
I'm going to skip over all the related issues that other folks are tackling here and comment just on this part with an looong TMI personal anecdote: "Because #1 - There are many positives to eating strict #2 - There are many negatives to eating strict."
I am allergic to all legumes (yep, the entire food category) to varying degrees--some that require an epi-pen, others make me feel really awful for a week, and still others 'just' make me feel bad for the rest of the day. Problem is, legumes, particularly soy, are EVERYWHERE and in practically EVERY SINGLE PREPACKAGED THING. Unless I make it myself, I cannot guarantee that I'll be symptom-free (and even then, I sometime screw up, misread a label, and wham). This makes eating out a royal pain in the ass and spontaneously eating treats that people share a roulette wheel of possible death (or suck).
Believe me when I say, I get the health benefits of making everything 100% myself--your strict option. No death! No feeling like shit! However, I'm a really busy person (cooking from scratch takes time, carrying my own food around is a PITA) and eating is often a social thing and my diet restrictions sometimes irritate my friends and family (the negatives to the strict option).
So I compromise. I avoid the foods and restaurants that I know will cause anaphylaxis (I can usually find *something* even an appetizer that I can eat, though I have to avoid all vegan restaurants), I ask people if they know if their treats contain X, Y, or Z (that will require a trip to the ER), and then I let the rest go -- and resign myself to feeling like utter shit every so often when I either guess wrong, someone else guesses wrong, doesn't know, or provides wrong information, or I eat food containing stealth legumes.
Not sure if this strategy would work for you, but it is a proven (one data point, admittedly!) way of navigating a path between the two extremes.
posted by skye.dancer at 8:30 AM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
I am allergic to all legumes (yep, the entire food category) to varying degrees--some that require an epi-pen, others make me feel really awful for a week, and still others 'just' make me feel bad for the rest of the day. Problem is, legumes, particularly soy, are EVERYWHERE and in practically EVERY SINGLE PREPACKAGED THING. Unless I make it myself, I cannot guarantee that I'll be symptom-free (and even then, I sometime screw up, misread a label, and wham). This makes eating out a royal pain in the ass and spontaneously eating treats that people share a roulette wheel of possible death (or suck).
Believe me when I say, I get the health benefits of making everything 100% myself--your strict option. No death! No feeling like shit! However, I'm a really busy person (cooking from scratch takes time, carrying my own food around is a PITA) and eating is often a social thing and my diet restrictions sometimes irritate my friends and family (the negatives to the strict option).
So I compromise. I avoid the foods and restaurants that I know will cause anaphylaxis (I can usually find *something* even an appetizer that I can eat, though I have to avoid all vegan restaurants), I ask people if they know if their treats contain X, Y, or Z (that will require a trip to the ER), and then I let the rest go -- and resign myself to feeling like utter shit every so often when I either guess wrong, someone else guesses wrong, doesn't know, or provides wrong information, or I eat food containing stealth legumes.
Not sure if this strategy would work for you, but it is a proven (one data point, admittedly!) way of navigating a path between the two extremes.
posted by skye.dancer at 8:30 AM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I did a paleo challenge earlier this year, and went through days of feeling weak and angry, then felt Amazing once I got out of the "detox". I kept saying I couldn't see how anyone could possibly go back to eating wheat and sugar and dairy and all that if Not eating them felt so good. And here I am, months later, eating all of those things more often and not feeling as healthy or energetic.
In other words, I feel your pain. I think the difference is that I'm not too worried about my imperfection. I hope I'll do a strict version for awhile again soon to help myself feel healthier, but I also realize that I will never eat strict all the time, just because delicious things happen sometimes, and I'm human.
Perfection is not humanly attainable. Just do the best you can to take care of yourself and do what's right for You.
posted by ldthomps at 11:47 AM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
In other words, I feel your pain. I think the difference is that I'm not too worried about my imperfection. I hope I'll do a strict version for awhile again soon to help myself feel healthier, but I also realize that I will never eat strict all the time, just because delicious things happen sometimes, and I'm human.
Perfection is not humanly attainable. Just do the best you can to take care of yourself and do what's right for You.
posted by ldthomps at 11:47 AM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
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If this is what you mean, in my situation, it has never worked that way. I've been diagnosed with problems with a couple of kinds of foods. When I cut back on eating them and follow the diet my doctor has prescribed, I don't have detox symptoms, as in feeling worse for a time... I just flat out feel better. I'm not sure I have heard of a food allergy where people stop eating something and feel worse, if that is what you are talking about.
Also, have your doctors done tests to diagnose you with any food allergies, or are you self-diagnosing? Every doctor I have talked to about my food and stomach issues has told me that anxiety and stress can play a huge role in causing food and digestion issues. Not having a doctor give you a concrete diagnosis/medication/diet plan for your stomach troubles can lead to more anxiety and stress as you continue to self-diagnose and self-medicate. What's worse, you could be cutting out helpful foods and damaging your nutrition without realizing it, continuing that stressful vicious cycle.
Sorry about the questions- asking in the interest of helping!
posted by Old Man McKay at 11:49 PM on December 17, 2013 [2 favorites]