I've been going in circles about this for a while
November 18, 2013 11:56 AM Subscribe
My relatively new boyfriend (half a year) told me he never wanted to get married or have kids. I have always wanted these things. Friends tell me that since we're still young and none of this is an issue yet, I shouldn't be worrying about it, but I can't help it. What to do?
We've been going out for about half a year now, and I knew from the start that we wanted different things, but thought it would be nice to have a boyfriend in grad school. Now, as explained in my previous questions, I have quit grad school for the time being due to various mental issues. He's been nothing but supportive and great and I do really love him, but... I can't get the thought of the eventual break-up out of my mind, because that's what's gonna happen, right? Unless one of us changes our mind a lot, which I don't count on in my case, because I've always wanted a family, and I don't want to be the girl who thinks she can change a man either.
Anyway, the anxiety about this is adding to my issues. I have started seeing a therapist and will talk this through in therapy, but I would like to hear your opinions.
A friend actually got really mad at me about this and called me irrational and stubborn, but my feelings are my feelings and at the moment, I can't change them. I know breaking up wouldn't be the end of the world, but I've been through too much this year already. Obviously, I shouldn't make any decisions now in my vulnerable and confused state, but I also feel like I won't get completely better unless I somehow resolve this issue.
I wouldn't, for example, move all my things into a house that will be torn down a bit later, but of course people aren't things and I have feelings for this man.
I don't want to get married NOW, of course, but I want to eventually and it hurts me that it will not be to my current boyfriend, but since the issue isn't pressing now (although I would like to get married by age 30 or while my grandma is still alive, and six years can go really quickly if you don't pay attention), I keep telling myself to wait things out and am completely going in circles about it. He is wonderful except for our completely incompatible ideas of the future.
He is also my first serious boyfriend, so I am lacking the sense of security that after an eventual break-up, there will be someone else because there never was.
Go ahead, yell at me and call me crazy, obsessed and premature like my friend did, so I can go apologise to her for calling her mean, or maybe reassure me that things will be alright?
We've been going out for about half a year now, and I knew from the start that we wanted different things, but thought it would be nice to have a boyfriend in grad school. Now, as explained in my previous questions, I have quit grad school for the time being due to various mental issues. He's been nothing but supportive and great and I do really love him, but... I can't get the thought of the eventual break-up out of my mind, because that's what's gonna happen, right? Unless one of us changes our mind a lot, which I don't count on in my case, because I've always wanted a family, and I don't want to be the girl who thinks she can change a man either.
Anyway, the anxiety about this is adding to my issues. I have started seeing a therapist and will talk this through in therapy, but I would like to hear your opinions.
A friend actually got really mad at me about this and called me irrational and stubborn, but my feelings are my feelings and at the moment, I can't change them. I know breaking up wouldn't be the end of the world, but I've been through too much this year already. Obviously, I shouldn't make any decisions now in my vulnerable and confused state, but I also feel like I won't get completely better unless I somehow resolve this issue.
I wouldn't, for example, move all my things into a house that will be torn down a bit later, but of course people aren't things and I have feelings for this man.
I don't want to get married NOW, of course, but I want to eventually and it hurts me that it will not be to my current boyfriend, but since the issue isn't pressing now (although I would like to get married by age 30 or while my grandma is still alive, and six years can go really quickly if you don't pay attention), I keep telling myself to wait things out and am completely going in circles about it. He is wonderful except for our completely incompatible ideas of the future.
He is also my first serious boyfriend, so I am lacking the sense of security that after an eventual break-up, there will be someone else because there never was.
Go ahead, yell at me and call me crazy, obsessed and premature like my friend did, so I can go apologise to her for calling her mean, or maybe reassure me that things will be alright?
Best answer: Watch the video Sliding vs Deciding on YouTube. Having a boyfriend can be a very nice thing, but don't just drift into a long term thing without really being committed.
I think you are absolutely right to be examining what you really value in your life, and to have an expectation that the person you commit to shares those values with you.
Look also at the Ted Talks from Brene Brown, because having the difficult conversations about what you want in the seemingly distant future requires a lot of bravery. And it is so worth it, to not be wondering if someone might change for you.
Big hugs and best of luck in your future.
posted by bilabial at 12:03 PM on November 18, 2013 [7 favorites]
I think you are absolutely right to be examining what you really value in your life, and to have an expectation that the person you commit to shares those values with you.
Look also at the Ted Talks from Brene Brown, because having the difficult conversations about what you want in the seemingly distant future requires a lot of bravery. And it is so worth it, to not be wondering if someone might change for you.
Big hugs and best of luck in your future.
posted by bilabial at 12:03 PM on November 18, 2013 [7 favorites]
Best answer: On one hand: yes, people often do change their minds about getting married and having kids.
On the other hand: They often don't, and you are 100% totally completely entitled to take your boyfriend at his word when he says that he won't get married or have kids. You want to get married and have kids; he doesn't. This is not some weird thing that you can just thread the needle on; this is a fundamental difference between what two people want from a relationship.
I can't just reassure you that things will be 'all right' if 'all right' means that you want your boyfriend to change his mind and suddenly want to get married and have kids. Ending a relationship because you and the other person want different things at a basic level is really really hard. But it is also sometimes the totally adult thing to do.
posted by Tomorrowful at 12:03 PM on November 18, 2013 [11 favorites]
On the other hand: They often don't, and you are 100% totally completely entitled to take your boyfriend at his word when he says that he won't get married or have kids. You want to get married and have kids; he doesn't. This is not some weird thing that you can just thread the needle on; this is a fundamental difference between what two people want from a relationship.
I can't just reassure you that things will be 'all right' if 'all right' means that you want your boyfriend to change his mind and suddenly want to get married and have kids. Ending a relationship because you and the other person want different things at a basic level is really really hard. But it is also sometimes the totally adult thing to do.
posted by Tomorrowful at 12:03 PM on November 18, 2013 [11 favorites]
Best answer: I don't think you are being irrational at all. Things like the desire for marriage and kids (either wanting them or not wanting them) are important to have in alignment with a long term partner.
I would talk with your boyfriend, discuss why he feels that way, and have a very honest conversation about your mismatch on this item. Be prepared for the fact that ending the relationship may be the best way to go.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 12:04 PM on November 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
I would talk with your boyfriend, discuss why he feels that way, and have a very honest conversation about your mismatch on this item. Be prepared for the fact that ending the relationship may be the best way to go.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 12:04 PM on November 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
And for what it's worth, you're with him for the wrong reasons. Don't stay with someone because you're lonely and because you happened to fall for them in the process of using them as a partner. Date when you're whole and don't need someone to make you feel better.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 12:04 PM on November 18, 2013 [7 favorites]
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 12:04 PM on November 18, 2013 [7 favorites]
Best answer: I don't think you're being crazy or obsessed at all, I think you're being rational and reasonable. An appalling number of people get married first and only later find out that they've got entirely different opinions on stuff like this -- stuff about which there's no reasonable compromise. He's not wrong to not want to get married or have kids, and you're not wrong to want those things. Some people can enjoy a relationship with a built-in expiration date, but if you're not one of them, that's okay too.
I broke up with a serious boyfriend because he decided he was firm about not wanting kids or marriage. Fine, he's still a great guy, but I'm not wasting my time and energy building a relationship with him when I know I'll have to end it at some point -- and ending it will only get harder/more painful -- because I always wanted marriage and a family. I don't have the husband or kids yet, but I don't regret not being with ex in the meantime. It has kept me free to look around for the right guy.
And another guy I dated insisted he didn't want children and now -- more than a decade later -- has an adorable little boy who he dotes on. And you know, I'm okay with that too. I'm glad he and his wife are happy, and I'm also glad I didn't commit to waiting around for years to see if he would change his mind.
posted by katemonster at 12:05 PM on November 18, 2013 [3 favorites]
I broke up with a serious boyfriend because he decided he was firm about not wanting kids or marriage. Fine, he's still a great guy, but I'm not wasting my time and energy building a relationship with him when I know I'll have to end it at some point -- and ending it will only get harder/more painful -- because I always wanted marriage and a family. I don't have the husband or kids yet, but I don't regret not being with ex in the meantime. It has kept me free to look around for the right guy.
And another guy I dated insisted he didn't want children and now -- more than a decade later -- has an adorable little boy who he dotes on. And you know, I'm okay with that too. I'm glad he and his wife are happy, and I'm also glad I didn't commit to waiting around for years to see if he would change his mind.
posted by katemonster at 12:05 PM on November 18, 2013 [3 favorites]
Best answer: You're not crazy.
I'm sort of in a similar situation--my long-term boyfriend is leaning towards kids someday, I am leaning towards kids never, but it's very much still a "leaning" situation, and we've accepted that if we continue the relationship for a long time into the future, one of us is going to have to switch. That doesn't sound like the case with you. You and your boyfriend know what you want, and to your credit, you've both been very clear about it.
People can change, but if you're going to stay in this relationship, you have to accept and make peace with the fact that either it'll end, or that if it doesn't, you may not get what you've hoped and planned for.
It's okay to not want to live with either of those possibilities. People break up for this reason all the time. It's sad, yeah, but it's also sad to be in a relationship where you're tearing yourself up about the eventual breakup.
posted by kagredon at 12:05 PM on November 18, 2013
I'm sort of in a similar situation--my long-term boyfriend is leaning towards kids someday, I am leaning towards kids never, but it's very much still a "leaning" situation, and we've accepted that if we continue the relationship for a long time into the future, one of us is going to have to switch. That doesn't sound like the case with you. You and your boyfriend know what you want, and to your credit, you've both been very clear about it.
People can change, but if you're going to stay in this relationship, you have to accept and make peace with the fact that either it'll end, or that if it doesn't, you may not get what you've hoped and planned for.
It's okay to not want to live with either of those possibilities. People break up for this reason all the time. It's sad, yeah, but it's also sad to be in a relationship where you're tearing yourself up about the eventual breakup.
posted by kagredon at 12:05 PM on November 18, 2013
Don't waste your time. Find someone new and better. There are a lot of guys out there who don't do this tired old "I don't want to get married" song and dance. These guys aren't meant for you to waste your time on. Maybe have a brief and enjoyable fling with, but definitely not the type to invest in emotionally.
posted by discopolo at 12:06 PM on November 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by discopolo at 12:06 PM on November 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
Is he aware that you want marriage and children, and that you are not likely to change your mind? What does he say about it, and about the eventual fate of your relationship?
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 12:07 PM on November 18, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 12:07 PM on November 18, 2013 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Before you had this boyfriend, you'd never had one. Yet you managed to get one. There will likely be another one after this one. The sooner you start looking for someone you're compatible with, the more likely it is that you'll find them. It's completely OK to want something and it's completely OK to go look for someone who can give it to you. Nothing wrong with doing that at all.
I'm not suggesting you dump this guy. If you're both having fun and it's not too pressing of an issue for you, then it's OK to stay with him, as long as you're happy doing that. But, you're also wasting your time a little bit. You aren't going to marry this guy, and you really want to marry someone, so why are you staying with him? There are lots of guys out there, some of whom will have choices that align with yours.
I really don't get where your friend gets that you're crazy from.
posted by Solomon at 12:10 PM on November 18, 2013 [6 favorites]
I'm not suggesting you dump this guy. If you're both having fun and it's not too pressing of an issue for you, then it's OK to stay with him, as long as you're happy doing that. But, you're also wasting your time a little bit. You aren't going to marry this guy, and you really want to marry someone, so why are you staying with him? There are lots of guys out there, some of whom will have choices that align with yours.
I really don't get where your friend gets that you're crazy from.
posted by Solomon at 12:10 PM on November 18, 2013 [6 favorites]
Best answer: My instinct is to tell you that lots of dudes in their early 20's say they never want marriage or kids, because society tells them such things are lame and sort of girly to even think about. Also, without biology forcing them to take the long view about reproductive stuff, when youngish guys say "never", they do it knowing they can always change their mind and have a kid at 50. Women can't push the decision away nearly as far as men can, so we tend to think about it differently.
If you were the one who didn't want marriage/kids and your boyfriend definitely did, I would say that this was a much more urgent question.
That said, a lot of guys say "never want..." about this stuff when what they really mean is "I don't want those things with you."
You will have to evaluate for yourself whether your boyfriend really and truly doesn't want kids/marriage EVER, doesn't want them "ever" AKA the next few years, or doesn't want them with you.
posted by Sara C. at 12:11 PM on November 18, 2013 [9 favorites]
If you were the one who didn't want marriage/kids and your boyfriend definitely did, I would say that this was a much more urgent question.
That said, a lot of guys say "never want..." about this stuff when what they really mean is "I don't want those things with you."
You will have to evaluate for yourself whether your boyfriend really and truly doesn't want kids/marriage EVER, doesn't want them "ever" AKA the next few years, or doesn't want them with you.
posted by Sara C. at 12:11 PM on November 18, 2013 [9 favorites]
Best answer: Honestly, at your age I'd let this slide for a while if you're truly enjoying the other parts of your relationship. Mind you, I'm talking a year, maybe. I'm not saying wait ten years, or anything like that.
Also, although you can't change him, you should understand that people do change, sometimes. Mr. BlahLaLa and I were both 100% against having kids when we met. Now we have a ten-year-old, and it didn't involve any arguing or therapy or ultimatums or anything dramatic. We both just…changed our minds over the course of several years.
posted by BlahLaLa at 12:11 PM on November 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
Also, although you can't change him, you should understand that people do change, sometimes. Mr. BlahLaLa and I were both 100% against having kids when we met. Now we have a ten-year-old, and it didn't involve any arguing or therapy or ultimatums or anything dramatic. We both just…changed our minds over the course of several years.
posted by BlahLaLa at 12:11 PM on November 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: whoever it was called you irrational and stubborn isn't really your friend. marriage and motherhood are concepts that need no defense where i live.
posted by bruce at 12:18 PM on November 18, 2013 [7 favorites]
posted by bruce at 12:18 PM on November 18, 2013 [7 favorites]
Best answer: Also, your friends give silly advice about not worrying about it. You should be looking for guys who want similar things as you. The longer you remain, the harder it gets to leave because you've invested so much.
Don't let that happen. Respect yourself and your wants/needs more than dating some guy.
posted by discopolo at 12:18 PM on November 18, 2013 [5 favorites]
Don't let that happen. Respect yourself and your wants/needs more than dating some guy.
posted by discopolo at 12:18 PM on November 18, 2013 [5 favorites]
Best answer: You're not crazy. What you're going through right now is a completely, achingly human experience - you already know the answer but you really would prefer that it not be the answer so you're in a holding pattern.
All I can really tell you is that this difference is definitely going to break you up sooner or later - and it should, because if it doesn't, it means that one person is just sort of going along and not living the life they want to in terms of marriage or kids, which is not a sacrifice that anyone should ever have to make.
And every day you spend with him, you'll get more entrenched in this relationship. You'll settle more and more into the groove of the life with him. It would be hard to break up over this, but it'll be harder tomorrow.
In other words, you should probably sit down and have a long talk about where you see yourselves in the future, but I'm pretty sure that it'll only reinforce what you already know: That you're going to have to break up eventually, and that now is the easiest time to break up - it will only get harder to do from here on out.
Your friend called you irrational and stubborn because it's really easy to use the brain to analyze relationships you're not in. Your friend already knows you're going to have to break up and is frustrated that you clearly also know that but won't factor it into your decisions. That, too, is something humans do.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 12:20 PM on November 18, 2013 [4 favorites]
All I can really tell you is that this difference is definitely going to break you up sooner or later - and it should, because if it doesn't, it means that one person is just sort of going along and not living the life they want to in terms of marriage or kids, which is not a sacrifice that anyone should ever have to make.
And every day you spend with him, you'll get more entrenched in this relationship. You'll settle more and more into the groove of the life with him. It would be hard to break up over this, but it'll be harder tomorrow.
In other words, you should probably sit down and have a long talk about where you see yourselves in the future, but I'm pretty sure that it'll only reinforce what you already know: That you're going to have to break up eventually, and that now is the easiest time to break up - it will only get harder to do from here on out.
Your friend called you irrational and stubborn because it's really easy to use the brain to analyze relationships you're not in. Your friend already knows you're going to have to break up and is frustrated that you clearly also know that but won't factor it into your decisions. That, too, is something humans do.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 12:20 PM on November 18, 2013 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I went through a pretty painful breakup on this very subject a while ago. When someone tells you who they are, believe them.
posted by chatongriffes at 12:22 PM on November 18, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by chatongriffes at 12:22 PM on November 18, 2013 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Is the anxiety about this outweighing the good things about the relationship?
Are you feeling more negative or more positive about this relationship?
That's something that you might want to think about. It sounds like your - perfectly justifiable, as many other comments have explained more eloquently than I can - concerns about this are outweighing your good feelings about being with this guy. And therein lies your answer - when the negative outweighs the positive, it's a good idea to leave, as sad as that may be.
posted by k8lin at 12:29 PM on November 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
Are you feeling more negative or more positive about this relationship?
That's something that you might want to think about. It sounds like your - perfectly justifiable, as many other comments have explained more eloquently than I can - concerns about this are outweighing your good feelings about being with this guy. And therein lies your answer - when the negative outweighs the positive, it's a good idea to leave, as sad as that may be.
posted by k8lin at 12:29 PM on November 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: As the old joke goes - women marry men hoping they'll change, men marry women hoping they'll never change.
Look - lots of people do change their minds on these things. Many men especially don't want or need to consider settling down in their early twenties. Some of these men may only decide to settle down, if they decide to settle down, in their thirties or early forties. And when they do, it won't be with a woman their age if they want kids.
By the same token some people know what they want in their early twenties. There is no need to see this as premature or angsty. One can't control when one meets the person one will marry - I met my wife on holiday at 18 and neither of us were thinking "life partner" at the time. So if you're looking for a relationship that may lead to marriage and kids, then tell him that, do the dirty and break up.
Maybe you'll be the one that got away. More likely you'll both go your merry ways, find people you love who match your expectations and they yours and old relationships will just be footnotes.
posted by MuffinMan at 12:31 PM on November 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
Look - lots of people do change their minds on these things. Many men especially don't want or need to consider settling down in their early twenties. Some of these men may only decide to settle down, if they decide to settle down, in their thirties or early forties. And when they do, it won't be with a woman their age if they want kids.
By the same token some people know what they want in their early twenties. There is no need to see this as premature or angsty. One can't control when one meets the person one will marry - I met my wife on holiday at 18 and neither of us were thinking "life partner" at the time. So if you're looking for a relationship that may lead to marriage and kids, then tell him that, do the dirty and break up.
Maybe you'll be the one that got away. More likely you'll both go your merry ways, find people you love who match your expectations and they yours and old relationships will just be footnotes.
posted by MuffinMan at 12:31 PM on November 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: One of my golden rules about people: When they tell you something about themselves, believe them.
Knowing what you want is very important, and if what you want doesn't align with what your partner wants, it's perfectly appropriate to end the relationship. It can be sad, but it can help avoid further heartbreak down the road.
posted by xingcat at 12:34 PM on November 18, 2013 [3 favorites]
Knowing what you want is very important, and if what you want doesn't align with what your partner wants, it's perfectly appropriate to end the relationship. It can be sad, but it can help avoid further heartbreak down the road.
posted by xingcat at 12:34 PM on November 18, 2013 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I think the mid-20s are an awkward time for dating for specifically this situation. In some cultures, it's the norm to get married in your very early 20s and in some, it's the norm to be married around 30. For example, my fiance and I are the same age, but he's the last of his friends to get married, while I'll be the first among my own friends. I'm guessing that your friend is coming from a place where most people marry older, and that's why she's being judgy about your priorities.
So okay, she wouldn't live her life this way. But that doesn't mean YOU shouldn't live YOUR life the way you want to. And it's pretty clear from the way you've written this post that you want marriage and kids. Breaking up with this guy and finding someone who also wants those things is the best way to do that.
posted by tinymegalo at 12:36 PM on November 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
So okay, she wouldn't live her life this way. But that doesn't mean YOU shouldn't live YOUR life the way you want to. And it's pretty clear from the way you've written this post that you want marriage and kids. Breaking up with this guy and finding someone who also wants those things is the best way to do that.
posted by tinymegalo at 12:36 PM on November 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I wouldn't wait around for him to potentially change his mind. I gather from your question that you're 24? You're a year older than I am, and yeah we're still young, but not young enough to waste time with people who don't want children if that's our ultimate goal.
Here's why:
First you have to get over the previous person. Then you have to meet someone new. Then you have to get to the point in the relationship where you both feel it's appropriate for marriage and kids. That can take... who knows how long?
That's just my thinking... even though you don't want to have kids until awhile from now, you still risk realizing some years down the line that you're with someone who will never want them or you've just ended it with someone who never wanted them and you feel like your clock is ticking.
There may be a possibility that he'll change his mind down the road, but it's up to you if you want to risk that he won't.
posted by Autumn at 12:38 PM on November 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
Here's why:
First you have to get over the previous person. Then you have to meet someone new. Then you have to get to the point in the relationship where you both feel it's appropriate for marriage and kids. That can take... who knows how long?
That's just my thinking... even though you don't want to have kids until awhile from now, you still risk realizing some years down the line that you're with someone who will never want them or you've just ended it with someone who never wanted them and you feel like your clock is ticking.
There may be a possibility that he'll change his mind down the road, but it's up to you if you want to risk that he won't.
posted by Autumn at 12:38 PM on November 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Would you stay in a job if the boss said that there was never any way that you have a prayer at promotion?
posted by IndigoJones at 12:39 PM on November 18, 2013 [14 favorites]
posted by IndigoJones at 12:39 PM on November 18, 2013 [14 favorites]
Best answer: You're not being irrational and stubborn. You're being reasonable and wise and recognizing that you're in a tough situation here that's not going to be any better if you wait ten years to see if one of you changes your mind.
For what it's worth, here in my mid-30s with the same guy I was starting a relationship with at your age - neither of us wanted marriage or kids then, and neither of us want marriage or kids now. Other life issues have come along to put stresses on our relationship, as they will, and I am so unendingly grateful that on these very basic issues of 'what do we want from our life together?' we are on the same page. If we were trying to navigate the tough issues of growing up and growing together, while also having this very fundamental disconnect about how we saw our futures, that would be really hard. Not impossible, necessarily, but really hard.
I think it's good that you're not making a decision today - you're asking us, talking to your therapist, etc., and that's good. Give yourself time to breathe and think about this. Maybe have another serious talk with the boyfriend too - I can't quite tell from your question how much you've talked about this. Are you responding to an offhand comment without really knowing exactly what he's planning for the future, or have you guys really already sat down and talked about what you each want, why you each want it, and how strongly you each feel? I'm guessing the latter, but just in case, I'm throwing out there that if you haven't had that conversation yet, you should.
Ultimately it sounds to me like you two are headed in different directions and that's sad, but it's not going to get any less sad if you wait a year and end it when you're even more emotionally attached but fundamentally nothing has changed. If you work through this and make a decision soon, then in a year you'll be a huge way down the road toward whatever comes next. Which is probably impossible to picture from where you are now. But whatever the next thing is, you will be okay.
posted by Stacey at 12:39 PM on November 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
For what it's worth, here in my mid-30s with the same guy I was starting a relationship with at your age - neither of us wanted marriage or kids then, and neither of us want marriage or kids now. Other life issues have come along to put stresses on our relationship, as they will, and I am so unendingly grateful that on these very basic issues of 'what do we want from our life together?' we are on the same page. If we were trying to navigate the tough issues of growing up and growing together, while also having this very fundamental disconnect about how we saw our futures, that would be really hard. Not impossible, necessarily, but really hard.
I think it's good that you're not making a decision today - you're asking us, talking to your therapist, etc., and that's good. Give yourself time to breathe and think about this. Maybe have another serious talk with the boyfriend too - I can't quite tell from your question how much you've talked about this. Are you responding to an offhand comment without really knowing exactly what he's planning for the future, or have you guys really already sat down and talked about what you each want, why you each want it, and how strongly you each feel? I'm guessing the latter, but just in case, I'm throwing out there that if you haven't had that conversation yet, you should.
Ultimately it sounds to me like you two are headed in different directions and that's sad, but it's not going to get any less sad if you wait a year and end it when you're even more emotionally attached but fundamentally nothing has changed. If you work through this and make a decision soon, then in a year you'll be a huge way down the road toward whatever comes next. Which is probably impossible to picture from where you are now. But whatever the next thing is, you will be okay.
posted by Stacey at 12:39 PM on November 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Talk to him about this, just like you spoke to us. He's almost as invested in getting this right as you are. (I say almost because he can always get what he wants later by breaking up, and you can only get what you want by staying with someone. So knowing that, talk to him.)
posted by Capri at 12:42 PM on November 18, 2013
posted by Capri at 12:42 PM on November 18, 2013
Best answer: Right now he has the relationship of his dreams. He's with someone he likes a lot and she's not asking anything of him that he doesn't want to give.
You are not in the relationship you want. That's not really fair, is it?
You want to be in a relationship with someone who also eventually wants marriage and a family. Now, not everyone who wants what you want is right for you. And you may find another person to love, who for other reasons, won't be right for you. That's okay. That's why we date, and have relationships.
I think it's a lot easier to be with someone who has the same ultimate goal in mind. So I'd say farewell to this relationship, treasuring it for the really great things it offered you, but not really wasting any more of your time, or your boyfriend's time. (Because if he wants to be with someone forever, it won't be someone who wants marriage and a family.)
So I'd say, now is a great time to break up. Be on your own for a year or so. Really understand what you want, in a person, in a relationship, in a job, in a situation. You'll have a clean slate and it will be awesome.
Journal as things occur to you. If it occurs to you that you want a husband who enjoys cooking, write it down. Doesn't mean the next guy you date has to like cooking, but hey, if we're building a wish-list, it doesn't hurt to have that there, does it?
Use this next year to get in touch with your best self. Trust me, men are like busses, eventually one will come along. As a vital, beautiful, self-assured woman, no man can resist you. You should take the opportunity to be super-picky, because everyone should be.
It's scary to go it alone, it's okay to be scared. But I promise, breaking up now, is so much better than waiting to break up. What if it's 4 years, or 6 or 10?
I'll give you some encouraging anecdotes:
1. My cousin sat down at on a first date and said, "I'm not dating for sport, I'm interested in meeting someone to marry and to have a family with. If you're not into that, it's cool. We'll have a nice meal and move on. But if you are interested in that, great, let's see where this goes." She has married that man and they have two adorable kids. He thought it was great that she knew what she wanted and wasn't willing to play games about it.
2. I met Husbunny when I was 38. I owned my own house, had a great career and a fabulous set of friends. I had been to Asia and Europe, sometimes on my own and I didn't NEED a man to complete my life. I married at the age of 39 and we have been together for over 12 years now. I love my Husband and I love my life. It's a freaking fairy tale!
3. One of my other cousins married a guy. They never really talked about stuff like family and what life would look like when they were married. At first they were going to have a fancy-schmancy wedding, but when the bride argued with her mother over the dress (You look like a whore!) , they eloped. One day, 6 months later, she came home and discovered that he had moved out with no word whatsoever! She was frantic, didn't know where he was, nada. Turns out when she started talking about starting a family, he freaked and ran home to his folks.
The moral of the stories? Be honest, up front and don't invest in relationships without knowing the folks involved. And for starters, assume that what people are telling you is the truth. He doesn't want to be married or have children with you.
Hang in there!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:49 PM on November 18, 2013 [4 favorites]
You are not in the relationship you want. That's not really fair, is it?
You want to be in a relationship with someone who also eventually wants marriage and a family. Now, not everyone who wants what you want is right for you. And you may find another person to love, who for other reasons, won't be right for you. That's okay. That's why we date, and have relationships.
I think it's a lot easier to be with someone who has the same ultimate goal in mind. So I'd say farewell to this relationship, treasuring it for the really great things it offered you, but not really wasting any more of your time, or your boyfriend's time. (Because if he wants to be with someone forever, it won't be someone who wants marriage and a family.)
So I'd say, now is a great time to break up. Be on your own for a year or so. Really understand what you want, in a person, in a relationship, in a job, in a situation. You'll have a clean slate and it will be awesome.
Journal as things occur to you. If it occurs to you that you want a husband who enjoys cooking, write it down. Doesn't mean the next guy you date has to like cooking, but hey, if we're building a wish-list, it doesn't hurt to have that there, does it?
Use this next year to get in touch with your best self. Trust me, men are like busses, eventually one will come along. As a vital, beautiful, self-assured woman, no man can resist you. You should take the opportunity to be super-picky, because everyone should be.
It's scary to go it alone, it's okay to be scared. But I promise, breaking up now, is so much better than waiting to break up. What if it's 4 years, or 6 or 10?
I'll give you some encouraging anecdotes:
1. My cousin sat down at on a first date and said, "I'm not dating for sport, I'm interested in meeting someone to marry and to have a family with. If you're not into that, it's cool. We'll have a nice meal and move on. But if you are interested in that, great, let's see where this goes." She has married that man and they have two adorable kids. He thought it was great that she knew what she wanted and wasn't willing to play games about it.
2. I met Husbunny when I was 38. I owned my own house, had a great career and a fabulous set of friends. I had been to Asia and Europe, sometimes on my own and I didn't NEED a man to complete my life. I married at the age of 39 and we have been together for over 12 years now. I love my Husband and I love my life. It's a freaking fairy tale!
3. One of my other cousins married a guy. They never really talked about stuff like family and what life would look like when they were married. At first they were going to have a fancy-schmancy wedding, but when the bride argued with her mother over the dress (You look like a whore!) , they eloped. One day, 6 months later, she came home and discovered that he had moved out with no word whatsoever! She was frantic, didn't know where he was, nada. Turns out when she started talking about starting a family, he freaked and ran home to his folks.
The moral of the stories? Be honest, up front and don't invest in relationships without knowing the folks involved. And for starters, assume that what people are telling you is the truth. He doesn't want to be married or have children with you.
Hang in there!
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:49 PM on November 18, 2013 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Listen to people when they tell you who they are and want they want. Now, it's up to you if you feel like this person is worth changing your values for, but don't assume that this person will change theirs for you.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:49 PM on November 18, 2013
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:49 PM on November 18, 2013
Best answer: You're not crazy. Whether to have kids or not is one of the most important and understandable dealbreakers in a relationship that there are. Move on before it becomes harder for you to do so. You will get through it.
I wish you luck.
posted by inturnaround at 12:51 PM on November 18, 2013
I wish you luck.
posted by inturnaround at 12:51 PM on November 18, 2013
Best answer: Imagine how you'll feel when you're 60 and never got the wedding you wanted, or the kids you dreamed of. How will that be?
If he's really dead set on the no kids or marriage thing, and if you want those things, then you're wasting your time with him. As you get older you'll realise how precious that time is. No drama, just move on, find someone with hopes and desires that more closely match your own.
posted by The Monkey at 12:51 PM on November 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
If he's really dead set on the no kids or marriage thing, and if you want those things, then you're wasting your time with him. As you get older you'll realise how precious that time is. No drama, just move on, find someone with hopes and desires that more closely match your own.
posted by The Monkey at 12:51 PM on November 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you all for your answers! Honestly, when I left the computer for a while and then came back to check if anyone had answered, I wasn't expecting this. I was expecting a couple of comments similar to the ones my friend made, and not the extremely wise, supportive and non-jugmental ones I got from you all. Really, thank you!
Just answering a few questions:
He had made an off-hand remark about never wanting marriage or kids before we started dating, and at that time, I didn't really think about it much. When I gradually started feeling worse (I have elaborated on my issues in Japan in previous questions), somehow the topic came up again because I suspected that this expiration date was contributing to my unhappiness. He said that he didn't really believe in marriage and relationships lasting forever, but then one time when I was particularly down and weeping I asked him if it didn't hurt him how with our different ideas of the future, we'd have to break up eventually, and after saying it was simply nice to have someone to love, he eventually told me he'd "give being together forever a chance".
He also knows that I love children (I always talk about the ones I babysit, or my niece) and that I want some of my own. I have told him that since this world is so overpopulated, I was thinking of just adopting an orphan or two (I know it's not that easy!), and he said maybe an older kid would be doable. It feels weird to ask a lot about his thoughts on this because we haven't been dating that long and I don't want him to feel pressured into any of this NOW as we're both still young and in grad school, but I guess you're right, I need to know if there's even a possibility of it ever happening, otherwise I'll just waste my time and be even more hurt the longer this goes unresolved.
I would like to clarify, however, that I am not with him for the wrong reasons. What I meant above was just that I felt at the time we started dating that the issue of kids wasn't pressing enough to not date him, but I have since realised that it is important to me.
To make things worse: We're long-distance at the moment. He promised to stay with me for a while next year, and I'd really, really prefer to discuss this in person, especially since I was hoping to be back to my old self then and able to show him a more positive me than the one he had to support over the last couple of months. (As you can see, a part of me still thinks I can change his mind... My older brother never wanted kids and now he loves his daughter to pieces.)
Sorry this got so long! And thank you again!
posted by LoonyLovegood at 1:07 PM on November 18, 2013
Just answering a few questions:
He had made an off-hand remark about never wanting marriage or kids before we started dating, and at that time, I didn't really think about it much. When I gradually started feeling worse (I have elaborated on my issues in Japan in previous questions), somehow the topic came up again because I suspected that this expiration date was contributing to my unhappiness. He said that he didn't really believe in marriage and relationships lasting forever, but then one time when I was particularly down and weeping I asked him if it didn't hurt him how with our different ideas of the future, we'd have to break up eventually, and after saying it was simply nice to have someone to love, he eventually told me he'd "give being together forever a chance".
He also knows that I love children (I always talk about the ones I babysit, or my niece) and that I want some of my own. I have told him that since this world is so overpopulated, I was thinking of just adopting an orphan or two (I know it's not that easy!), and he said maybe an older kid would be doable. It feels weird to ask a lot about his thoughts on this because we haven't been dating that long and I don't want him to feel pressured into any of this NOW as we're both still young and in grad school, but I guess you're right, I need to know if there's even a possibility of it ever happening, otherwise I'll just waste my time and be even more hurt the longer this goes unresolved.
I would like to clarify, however, that I am not with him for the wrong reasons. What I meant above was just that I felt at the time we started dating that the issue of kids wasn't pressing enough to not date him, but I have since realised that it is important to me.
To make things worse: We're long-distance at the moment. He promised to stay with me for a while next year, and I'd really, really prefer to discuss this in person, especially since I was hoping to be back to my old self then and able to show him a more positive me than the one he had to support over the last couple of months. (As you can see, a part of me still thinks I can change his mind... My older brother never wanted kids and now he loves his daughter to pieces.)
Sorry this got so long! And thank you again!
posted by LoonyLovegood at 1:07 PM on November 18, 2013
Best answer: Some people would be happy taking the relationship as it comes, even knowing it has an endpoint, and just enjoying it in the moment. They would be fine being in a supportive relationship for the moment.
However, if this is not you, if it is more stressful to you knowing that you are in a relationship with an inevitable demise, then - break up!
You cannot, and are under no obligation, to react emotionally the same way someone else would.
Honestly, I usually feel happier when I am not in a relationship, than in one that has those kind of niggling worries that I get anxious over.
Alternatively, have a conversation with him, and make a date - to break up. Mention it to him, so that it doesn't feel like you are hiding something from him.
Something along the lines of - I really like you, but eventually we are going to want different things in life. I like you, but I worry about getting stuck in a dead-end relationship, so I want to make sure we part ways while we still like each other, and then either break up now, or make a plan to break up before say the next holidays.
Honestly, a breakup is more likely, but I have seen this work, and it should diffuse your worries that you are hanging about in a relationship that doesn't work, because you have a fixed end date, and can kind of 'relax'.
posted by Elysum at 1:10 PM on November 18, 2013 [3 favorites]
However, if this is not you, if it is more stressful to you knowing that you are in a relationship with an inevitable demise, then - break up!
You cannot, and are under no obligation, to react emotionally the same way someone else would.
Honestly, I usually feel happier when I am not in a relationship, than in one that has those kind of niggling worries that I get anxious over.
Alternatively, have a conversation with him, and make a date - to break up. Mention it to him, so that it doesn't feel like you are hiding something from him.
Something along the lines of - I really like you, but eventually we are going to want different things in life. I like you, but I worry about getting stuck in a dead-end relationship, so I want to make sure we part ways while we still like each other, and then either break up now, or make a plan to break up before say the next holidays.
Honestly, a breakup is more likely, but I have seen this work, and it should diffuse your worries that you are hanging about in a relationship that doesn't work, because you have a fixed end date, and can kind of 'relax'.
posted by Elysum at 1:10 PM on November 18, 2013 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Breakups are the worst. It's like the emotional equivalent of food poisoning.
I think your anxiety is stemming from your knowledge that you have this miserable experience waiting for you, and you understandably want to procrastinate on going through it, because who wants to feel miserable?
But isn't it much better to have that miserable experience in the rearview mirror rather than on the horizon?
posted by Asparagus at 1:19 PM on November 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think your anxiety is stemming from your knowledge that you have this miserable experience waiting for you, and you understandably want to procrastinate on going through it, because who wants to feel miserable?
But isn't it much better to have that miserable experience in the rearview mirror rather than on the horizon?
posted by Asparagus at 1:19 PM on November 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
He's not going to change his mind, so if that's a deal breaker then you should leave him.
posted by Sebmojo at 1:24 PM on November 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Sebmojo at 1:24 PM on November 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
Oh, it's an LDR? Leave. Leeeeeeave. You deserve to have an awesome relationship with someone who feels the same way and is in the same room as you.
posted by Sebmojo at 1:25 PM on November 18, 2013 [6 favorites]
posted by Sebmojo at 1:25 PM on November 18, 2013 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: The distance isn't his fault, it's because I left Japan prematurely and destroyed our plans with that. Which, by the way, he was nonetheless extremely supportive about. Which only makes leaving him harder, I guess...
posted by LoonyLovegood at 1:26 PM on November 18, 2013
posted by LoonyLovegood at 1:26 PM on November 18, 2013
Best answer: Someone doesn't need to be bad, and it doesn't need to be their fault, for things to not be working, and to want to break up.
And yeah, sorry, if it's LDR, ignore my suggestion of a planned breakup. Either talk it out and figure out if he's enough of a 'maybe' about kids for you to continue investing in, AND if you are ALL IN, have a solid plan for being in the same place within 6 months (honestly I'd suggest 3) - or break up. It's a really niggling stress.
posted by Elysum at 1:35 PM on November 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
And yeah, sorry, if it's LDR, ignore my suggestion of a planned breakup. Either talk it out and figure out if he's enough of a 'maybe' about kids for you to continue investing in, AND if you are ALL IN, have a solid plan for being in the same place within 6 months (honestly I'd suggest 3) - or break up. It's a really niggling stress.
posted by Elysum at 1:35 PM on November 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
It's not about "fault".
The reality is that you've somewhat buried the lede, here.
You're worried about the potential that things won't last between you and you'll eventually break up.
You framed that about something that is presumably way off in the distance and kind of unknowable -- marriage and kids.
However, the reality is that most long distance relationships fail.
So if you're looking for a litmus test on the question of "is my relationship likely to fail due to circumstances outside my control", you already have your answer. You're in a long distance relationship. Most long distance relationships fail. Ergo, your relationship is likely to fail due to circumstances outside your control.
Some 25 year old dude's political stance on the nature of marriage really has nothing to do with it.
posted by Sara C. at 1:35 PM on November 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
The reality is that you've somewhat buried the lede, here.
You're worried about the potential that things won't last between you and you'll eventually break up.
You framed that about something that is presumably way off in the distance and kind of unknowable -- marriage and kids.
However, the reality is that most long distance relationships fail.
So if you're looking for a litmus test on the question of "is my relationship likely to fail due to circumstances outside my control", you already have your answer. You're in a long distance relationship. Most long distance relationships fail. Ergo, your relationship is likely to fail due to circumstances outside your control.
Some 25 year old dude's political stance on the nature of marriage really has nothing to do with it.
posted by Sara C. at 1:35 PM on November 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: The distance isn't his fault, it's because I left Japan prematurely and destroyed our plans with that. Which, by the way, he was nonetheless extremely supportive about. Which only makes leaving him harder, I guess...
If it helps, please do keep in mind that this has nothing to do with fault. He is 100% totally entirely legitimately entitled to not want to get married or have kids, for any coherent reason. And you are 100% totally entirely legitimately entitled to want to get married and have kids! You're not blaming or accusing him; he's not a jerk and you're not one either. This is "incompatibility," in the most fundamental basic sense. I know that doesn't make things easy, and getting through a breakup emotionally sometimes requires a certain amount of "well, so much for that jerk!" internal narrative, but this really isn't about how good or bad a boyfriend he is, at all. It's very purely and simply about his desire, or lack thereof, to be a husband and father.
posted by Tomorrowful at 2:08 PM on November 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
If it helps, please do keep in mind that this has nothing to do with fault. He is 100% totally entirely legitimately entitled to not want to get married or have kids, for any coherent reason. And you are 100% totally entirely legitimately entitled to want to get married and have kids! You're not blaming or accusing him; he's not a jerk and you're not one either. This is "incompatibility," in the most fundamental basic sense. I know that doesn't make things easy, and getting through a breakup emotionally sometimes requires a certain amount of "well, so much for that jerk!" internal narrative, but this really isn't about how good or bad a boyfriend he is, at all. It's very purely and simply about his desire, or lack thereof, to be a husband and father.
posted by Tomorrowful at 2:08 PM on November 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: My ex husband is my ex because he decided a year *after* we were married that he never wanted to have kids. We tried to make it work...
... Trying to make it work literally drove me crazy. I felt desperate, like I was being torn between the person I loved the most and my biggest dream in life. We fought a lot and the fights weren't always about this fundamental difference, but it was the big rift between us that fueled every other small problem.
It would have been easier and better for both of us if we had split the first, or second, or third time we had this fight and not the 9,888,888th. Trust my experience: there is no way to "make it work."
posted by sonika at 2:28 PM on November 18, 2013
... Trying to make it work literally drove me crazy. I felt desperate, like I was being torn between the person I loved the most and my biggest dream in life. We fought a lot and the fights weren't always about this fundamental difference, but it was the big rift between us that fueled every other small problem.
It would have been easier and better for both of us if we had split the first, or second, or third time we had this fight and not the 9,888,888th. Trust my experience: there is no way to "make it work."
posted by sonika at 2:28 PM on November 18, 2013
Best answer: This was me almost two years ago and this was me about two months ago. Same guy.
In my original question, we had been dating for a few months and he told me he wasn't interested in getting married or having kids. Obviously, a lot of the advice I received in response to that one was to dump him. I chose not to. It was very early, I was already falling in love with him and feeling different about him than I ever had about anyone else before, and I wanted to at least try to think about how I felt about marriage before I made any dire moves.
In the most recent question, I had done a lot of thinking and was really set on marriage. One of my best friends had just gotten engaged. It had been nearly two years of dating and he was still saying that marriage was not for him, but he was now at least open to it. He said he couldn't give me a date that he would be ready, but he was definitely reconsidering.
Now, we are in couples therapy (his suggestion). He says that he is still rethinking his stance on marriage and is more open to it every day. I have done the same and I have told him that if he never wants to get married, I really want to make it work. And even though we both thought we were very firm on not having kids, we actually had a discussion in therapy last week that seemed to imply that both of us are a lot more interested in the idea than we once thought and could revisit it down the road.
Is this the deliriously happy ending that you were looking for? Probably not. But I have absolutely no regrets in my decision to stay with him even though I knew that he didn't want to get married. We are tremendously happy and for me, that has begun to outweigh the importance of marriage over time. That might not be the case for you, but it has been for me. I don't feel like I'm giving anything up at this point that is more important to me than being with him for the rest of my life, even without a ring on my finger.
Feel free to PM me.
posted by anotheraccount at 2:42 PM on November 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
In my original question, we had been dating for a few months and he told me he wasn't interested in getting married or having kids. Obviously, a lot of the advice I received in response to that one was to dump him. I chose not to. It was very early, I was already falling in love with him and feeling different about him than I ever had about anyone else before, and I wanted to at least try to think about how I felt about marriage before I made any dire moves.
In the most recent question, I had done a lot of thinking and was really set on marriage. One of my best friends had just gotten engaged. It had been nearly two years of dating and he was still saying that marriage was not for him, but he was now at least open to it. He said he couldn't give me a date that he would be ready, but he was definitely reconsidering.
Now, we are in couples therapy (his suggestion). He says that he is still rethinking his stance on marriage and is more open to it every day. I have done the same and I have told him that if he never wants to get married, I really want to make it work. And even though we both thought we were very firm on not having kids, we actually had a discussion in therapy last week that seemed to imply that both of us are a lot more interested in the idea than we once thought and could revisit it down the road.
Is this the deliriously happy ending that you were looking for? Probably not. But I have absolutely no regrets in my decision to stay with him even though I knew that he didn't want to get married. We are tremendously happy and for me, that has begun to outweigh the importance of marriage over time. That might not be the case for you, but it has been for me. I don't feel like I'm giving anything up at this point that is more important to me than being with him for the rest of my life, even without a ring on my finger.
Feel free to PM me.
posted by anotheraccount at 2:42 PM on November 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: LDRs only ever work (i.e. last until they become regular, geographically proximate relationships) if there is a clear vision for the future which both partners share and work towards.
You have the OPPOSITE of that -- your visions of your future are fundamentally incompatible.
Of course you should break up with him. Think of it as making yourself available for the right person to come along. Your timeline isn't premature. It can take years to meet the right person, get financially stable and ready for kids, and get pregnant. Being tied up in a dead-end LDR is not getting you closer to your goal.
(I know it's painful. I can remember it being painful when I broke up with a LDR boyfriend I didn't even particularly love! Sometimes LDRs can feel more idealized than regular ones, because he's not there, incompatibilities glaring, right in your face; he's just there in your fantasies and your sweet IMs or whatever. I know. But tear off the bandaid.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:22 PM on November 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
You have the OPPOSITE of that -- your visions of your future are fundamentally incompatible.
Of course you should break up with him. Think of it as making yourself available for the right person to come along. Your timeline isn't premature. It can take years to meet the right person, get financially stable and ready for kids, and get pregnant. Being tied up in a dead-end LDR is not getting you closer to your goal.
(I know it's painful. I can remember it being painful when I broke up with a LDR boyfriend I didn't even particularly love! Sometimes LDRs can feel more idealized than regular ones, because he's not there, incompatibilities glaring, right in your face; he's just there in your fantasies and your sweet IMs or whatever. I know. But tear off the bandaid.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 3:22 PM on November 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: When we started dating, my husband was 24 and said he never wanted to get married or have kids. I was 18 and it didn't seem particularly pressing though part of me always wanted both (I tried to talk myself into adoption for awhile).
Eleven years later, we're married and I'm expecting my first.
This kind of thing is really hard to say and I think only you and your significant other can solve it, through calm, rational discussion. I do think these conversations should start sooner, rather than later. Putting something off when it's weighing on you like this is no good for your mental health.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 3:53 PM on November 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
Eleven years later, we're married and I'm expecting my first.
This kind of thing is really hard to say and I think only you and your significant other can solve it, through calm, rational discussion. I do think these conversations should start sooner, rather than later. Putting something off when it's weighing on you like this is no good for your mental health.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 3:53 PM on November 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
On a broad level, this comes across as some measure of enthusiasm for drama, making things difficult....
More to the point, I got very little relationship advice from my parents, but they sure did emphasize their thoughts that relationships won't change people and the people they're with won't change 'em, either.
Yerp.
posted by ambient2 at 6:36 PM on November 18, 2013
More to the point, I got very little relationship advice from my parents, but they sure did emphasize their thoughts that relationships won't change people and the people they're with won't change 'em, either.
Yerp.
posted by ambient2 at 6:36 PM on November 18, 2013
Best answer: Don't waste your time. Find someone new and better. There are a lot of guys out there who don't do this tired old "I don't want to get married" song and dance. These guys aren't meant for you to waste your time on. Maybe have a brief and enjoyable fling with, but definitely not the type to invest in emotionally
It is entirely unnecessary to feel like your time with this man has been a waste or to resent him for choosing a life that doesn't include marriage and kids. Be grateful that he is being as honest about how he feels even though he runs the risk of losing you. Do not stick around hoping he will change his mind. He might or he might not. Better to find someone who's long term goals are better matched to your own. He is then free to do the same and you are both happy.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 8:31 PM on November 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
It is entirely unnecessary to feel like your time with this man has been a waste or to resent him for choosing a life that doesn't include marriage and kids. Be grateful that he is being as honest about how he feels even though he runs the risk of losing you. Do not stick around hoping he will change his mind. He might or he might not. Better to find someone who's long term goals are better matched to your own. He is then free to do the same and you are both happy.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 8:31 PM on November 18, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Why not appreciate what your relationship does have to offer for now and try to live day to day, enjoying your time together? You're in a restless place right now and it may be beneficial to focus on the most important issues first, and worry about the future later. Once you're in a good headspace then take a good look at your relationship and make your move. But realize that it can wait, and that you're only torturing yourself with anxiety about it now. It is possible that he may want a family in the future, this is true, but I wouldn't count on that or hope for it. Focus on feeling better emotionally and mentally, and sort that out first. Then open up that relationship box and start sorting through it. I wish you peace and happiness!
posted by OneHermit at 11:02 PM on November 18, 2013
posted by OneHermit at 11:02 PM on November 18, 2013
Response by poster: Sorry for thread-sitting, but how does this sound?
I can't decide anything in the state I am in now, and I certainly don't want to break over via chat. Instead I will continue going to therapy, talk to my therapist about this and just let it be for another couple of months. My boyfriend will be coming to visit me on his way to grad school next summer (he's not coming just to see me so I don't have to feel bad about wasting his money), and then we can spend a nice summer together, see how I feel about things then and how he feels about me when I'm not sobbing into his shoulder every night from depression, and at the end of the summer, I will ask him how he sees our LDR developing in the future and that I don't see a point in doing this for much longer if he can't see the same things that I want some years down the road. I will avoid blaming either me or him for things that we can't help and just state my feelings and wishes for the future the way the are. Will this be okay to do? What do you think?
(Also, ambient2, I do not want to create drama, nor do I thrive on it. My life has been tough enough this year without adding a break-up, so I'm sure you can understand why I want to avoid this decision? Apart from the reasons I have elaborated on above. I do, however, understand that it may be inevitable, and when that becomes 100% clear so that I can break up without asking myself, "but what if I had asked him to clarify more?", I will do it.)
posted by LoonyLovegood at 5:41 AM on November 19, 2013
I can't decide anything in the state I am in now, and I certainly don't want to break over via chat. Instead I will continue going to therapy, talk to my therapist about this and just let it be for another couple of months. My boyfriend will be coming to visit me on his way to grad school next summer (he's not coming just to see me so I don't have to feel bad about wasting his money), and then we can spend a nice summer together, see how I feel about things then and how he feels about me when I'm not sobbing into his shoulder every night from depression, and at the end of the summer, I will ask him how he sees our LDR developing in the future and that I don't see a point in doing this for much longer if he can't see the same things that I want some years down the road. I will avoid blaming either me or him for things that we can't help and just state my feelings and wishes for the future the way the are. Will this be okay to do? What do you think?
(Also, ambient2, I do not want to create drama, nor do I thrive on it. My life has been tough enough this year without adding a break-up, so I'm sure you can understand why I want to avoid this decision? Apart from the reasons I have elaborated on above. I do, however, understand that it may be inevitable, and when that becomes 100% clear so that I can break up without asking myself, "but what if I had asked him to clarify more?", I will do it.)
posted by LoonyLovegood at 5:41 AM on November 19, 2013
Best answer: Will this be okay to do? What do you think?
I think that you have a good plan that sounds like it will work for you. More importantly, I think you can trust yourself to make good decisions for yourself and your life - and trust that if it isn't working, you will know and can adjust accordingly.
To that end, you might want to think about talking with your therapist about building confidence in yourself. You're obviously a smart young woman, and you are definitely capable of making good choices - even when those choices are hard, like leaving school for your health - so I hope you can trust that this decision is the best one for you right now. You've considered it carefully. If you don't feel good about it later, you can reconsider and change your mind if you want to do so. You have to answer to no one but yourself, which is such a blessing. Good luck.
posted by k8lin at 6:35 AM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think that you have a good plan that sounds like it will work for you. More importantly, I think you can trust yourself to make good decisions for yourself and your life - and trust that if it isn't working, you will know and can adjust accordingly.
To that end, you might want to think about talking with your therapist about building confidence in yourself. You're obviously a smart young woman, and you are definitely capable of making good choices - even when those choices are hard, like leaving school for your health - so I hope you can trust that this decision is the best one for you right now. You've considered it carefully. If you don't feel good about it later, you can reconsider and change your mind if you want to do so. You have to answer to no one but yourself, which is such a blessing. Good luck.
posted by k8lin at 6:35 AM on November 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: OP, I think you're right to make your mental health your #1 priority right now, and if that means you're not in a place to make a difficult decision about your relationship, that's understandable.
But do know that from an objective outsider's perspective, staying in this relationship is totally irrational. You and this guy are fundamentally incompatible (views on marriage & kids are 2 of the biggest dealbreakers there are), AND he's not even around for you to have the benefits of his companionship.
This is seriously like the relationship equivalent of "the food's terrible, AND the portions are too small" restuarant.
Now, I get that you probably can't see that right now, or you believe that breaking up will be too painful, you'll never meet anyone else, etc. etc. But know that you only think think that way because you're depressed. There are TONS of guys who want to get married and have a family, and even if you're in love with this particular guy, you are strong enough to let go of him.
posted by Asparagus at 7:44 AM on November 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
But do know that from an objective outsider's perspective, staying in this relationship is totally irrational. You and this guy are fundamentally incompatible (views on marriage & kids are 2 of the biggest dealbreakers there are), AND he's not even around for you to have the benefits of his companionship.
This is seriously like the relationship equivalent of "the food's terrible, AND the portions are too small" restuarant.
Now, I get that you probably can't see that right now, or you believe that breaking up will be too painful, you'll never meet anyone else, etc. etc. But know that you only think think that way because you're depressed. There are TONS of guys who want to get married and have a family, and even if you're in love with this particular guy, you are strong enough to let go of him.
posted by Asparagus at 7:44 AM on November 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Dude are you serious?
You're talking about continuing to date someone for basically another year because you don't want to break up over chat.
Guess what? Most long distance relationships that aren't working out break up over chat.
Breakups suck, no matter how you undertake them. It's one thing to break up with someone with an email or a text when you could have seen them in person and done it right.
But you can't. So you've got to do what you've got to do.
I'm not telling you to break up right now, but if you're not happy, take the time you need to make your peace with things and end it.
Don't wait around for a year for no real reason.
posted by Sara C. at 8:54 AM on November 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
You're talking about continuing to date someone for basically another year because you don't want to break up over chat.
Guess what? Most long distance relationships that aren't working out break up over chat.
Breakups suck, no matter how you undertake them. It's one thing to break up with someone with an email or a text when you could have seen them in person and done it right.
But you can't. So you've got to do what you've got to do.
I'm not telling you to break up right now, but if you're not happy, take the time you need to make your peace with things and end it.
Don't wait around for a year for no real reason.
posted by Sara C. at 8:54 AM on November 19, 2013 [4 favorites]
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Break up with him now, even though you've had other stuff going on. It'll be harder and worse to do later when you're even more enmeshed. This is an irreconcilable difference, and I speak from experience on that.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 12:03 PM on November 18, 2013 [40 favorites]