I'd like to do something nice for an Ex-GF is this idea nuts or unwise?
October 28, 2013 7:21 PM Subscribe
I dated a girl for a bit over 2 years - our relationship was insanely tumultuous and emotionally exhausting for the both of us. We both had deep insecurities and emotional issues and it was a seemingly never ending saga of heartache and tears. It was absolute total insanity on pretty much all levels. While the relationship officially "ended" 6 years ago, we've remained off-and-on friends over the years. She's currently dating someone else and we talk relatively infrequently. I'd like to do something over-the-top nice to honor the time we spent together and let her know how much our time together meant to me. She has serious dental issues (one of her front teeth is missing a portion and several are falling out) I'd like to pay to have this fixed.
This girl is pretty much perpetually broke, she has an MBA and ~$48k worth of student loan debt but has spent the last 6 years living in a 5th wheel trailer parked on the bad side of town. She drives a taxi to make ends meet and has been doing so for 6 years now. We've been "friends" over the last several years but she recently started dating someone new and because of that I'm pretty much out of the picture, which I'm fine with. If she's found happiness with someone else, I'm happy for her. In no way would my doing this be an attempt to win back her affection or gain favor with her.
I'm gainfully employed with zero debt and ~$120k in savings.. I'm considering giving her a $4,000 check towards dental work for Christmas. While I'm not expecting anything in return, is this a bad/stupid idea? I would like to let her know I care, but am not sure if it would be inappropriate considering she's currently dating someone.
Any input would be appreciated.
Thanks!
This girl is pretty much perpetually broke, she has an MBA and ~$48k worth of student loan debt but has spent the last 6 years living in a 5th wheel trailer parked on the bad side of town. She drives a taxi to make ends meet and has been doing so for 6 years now. We've been "friends" over the last several years but she recently started dating someone new and because of that I'm pretty much out of the picture, which I'm fine with. If she's found happiness with someone else, I'm happy for her. In no way would my doing this be an attempt to win back her affection or gain favor with her.
I'm gainfully employed with zero debt and ~$120k in savings.. I'm considering giving her a $4,000 check towards dental work for Christmas. While I'm not expecting anything in return, is this a bad/stupid idea? I would like to let her know I care, but am not sure if it would be inappropriate considering she's currently dating someone.
Any input would be appreciated.
Thanks!
Will you be pissed if she spends the money on something else? If the answer is yes, then don't do it. If the answer is no, then go for it.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:24 PM on October 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:24 PM on October 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
$120,000 is good to have, but it doesn't make you rich, and it doesn't justify throwing money around — you yourself need some of that money as an emergency fund, some of it for retirement, maybe some of it to buy a home in the future, maybe some of it to pay for your kids' education if you ever have them, and maybe some of it to do something this caring for a future significant other rather than a past significant other.
posted by John Cohen at 7:26 PM on October 28, 2013 [8 favorites]
posted by John Cohen at 7:26 PM on October 28, 2013 [8 favorites]
My gut feeling is that this is... weird. I know you mean well, but it just feels wrong.
posted by primethyme at 7:27 PM on October 28, 2013 [16 favorites]
posted by primethyme at 7:27 PM on October 28, 2013 [16 favorites]
People can be very VERY sensitive about their teeth.
posted by Sara C. at 7:28 PM on October 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Sara C. at 7:28 PM on October 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'd honestly be uncomfortable accepting that much money from anyone other than immediate family, let alone an EX boyfriend who I broke up with over 6 years ago. Even if I needed the money I'd be concerned there were hidden strings that came with the money and most likely wouldn't take it. (Not to mention how it might make her boyfriend feel, he's supposed to support her, not you.)
I mean, unless she is dying and needs the money for hospital bills or treatment, this is too much. If her teeth are literally falling out as you say, then maybe you can approach her about helping out, but you can't just give her the money like that.
We've been "friends" over the last several years but she recently started dating someone new and because of that I'm pretty much out of the picture, which I'm fine with. If she's found happiness with someone else, I'm happy for her. In no way would my doing this be an attempt to win back her affection or gain favor with her.
You are trying to convince someone (us? her? yourself?) four times in this section that you aren't trying to be with her. This much convincing means you know it's uncomfortable at this current point in time.
posted by Crystalinne at 7:30 PM on October 28, 2013 [9 favorites]
I mean, unless she is dying and needs the money for hospital bills or treatment, this is too much. If her teeth are literally falling out as you say, then maybe you can approach her about helping out, but you can't just give her the money like that.
We've been "friends" over the last several years but she recently started dating someone new and because of that I'm pretty much out of the picture, which I'm fine with. If she's found happiness with someone else, I'm happy for her. In no way would my doing this be an attempt to win back her affection or gain favor with her.
You are trying to convince someone (us? her? yourself?) four times in this section that you aren't trying to be with her. This much convincing means you know it's uncomfortable at this current point in time.
posted by Crystalinne at 7:30 PM on October 28, 2013 [9 favorites]
If she has all sorts of dental issues, I don't know that 4K will go far. If she doesn't have insurance, that might buy her a couple crowns and maybe a filling or two. From what you're saying she could well need more work than that.
You clearly want to help her in a meaningful and lasting way - perhaps pay for a class she'd be willing to take that would allow her to earn a better living?
posted by Dragonness at 7:30 PM on October 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
You clearly want to help her in a meaningful and lasting way - perhaps pay for a class she'd be willing to take that would allow her to earn a better living?
posted by Dragonness at 7:30 PM on October 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
This is definitely bordering on ... weird, though I wouldn't say "creepy" exactly. I don't think anyone could blame you if you opt to NOT do this.
That said, if you are inclined to do something like this, I think you absolutely have to talk with her about it and see if she's cool with it. If you would insist on doing it by surprise, I think that would edge into "creepy and controlling" territory.
posted by Joey Buttafoucault at 7:35 PM on October 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
That said, if you are inclined to do something like this, I think you absolutely have to talk with her about it and see if she's cool with it. If you would insist on doing it by surprise, I think that would edge into "creepy and controlling" territory.
posted by Joey Buttafoucault at 7:35 PM on October 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
If it were me, I would be really happy to get a gift like this. Sometimes money really does solve problems and it seems mean to keep your friend/ex in physical pain because you don't know how to be as generous as you want to be.
Then again, I don't know if it would be weird to her or not, or if it would seem pushy or not. Maybe email or call her about this before you cut the check? If I were you, I'd just say, "I have some extra money and I was wondering if you want to use it to help with your teeth?" See how she takes it.
Personally, I'd be really grateful and it would make me feel loved (in a wonderful, life-affirming way, not a "creepy ex" way) for someone to want to take care of me like that. If she's had a rough go of it, is kind of alone in the world, it might mean a lot to her even beyond the not having horrible toothaches/headaches/general discomfort anymore after having her teeth fixed. But of course that's my perspective, and she doesn't necessarily share it.
posted by rue72 at 7:38 PM on October 28, 2013 [7 favorites]
Then again, I don't know if it would be weird to her or not, or if it would seem pushy or not. Maybe email or call her about this before you cut the check? If I were you, I'd just say, "I have some extra money and I was wondering if you want to use it to help with your teeth?" See how she takes it.
Personally, I'd be really grateful and it would make me feel loved (in a wonderful, life-affirming way, not a "creepy ex" way) for someone to want to take care of me like that. If she's had a rough go of it, is kind of alone in the world, it might mean a lot to her even beyond the not having horrible toothaches/headaches/general discomfort anymore after having her teeth fixed. But of course that's my perspective, and she doesn't necessarily share it.
posted by rue72 at 7:38 PM on October 28, 2013 [7 favorites]
No, this is the new guy's job.
posted by ftm at 7:39 PM on October 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by ftm at 7:39 PM on October 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
I think it's OK for you to do it, as long as you can find some way for the money to get to her without her knowing or even guessing it came from you.
If the idea of the gift being anonymous makes the idea less appealing, you're doing it for the wrong reason.
posted by escabeche at 7:44 PM on October 28, 2013 [26 favorites]
If the idea of the gift being anonymous makes the idea less appealing, you're doing it for the wrong reason.
posted by escabeche at 7:44 PM on October 28, 2013 [26 favorites]
I think a gift of $4000 to someone you broke up with 6 years ago, and now see only infrequently, is excessive and inappropriate.
posted by dave99 at 7:44 PM on October 28, 2013 [16 favorites]
posted by dave99 at 7:44 PM on October 28, 2013 [16 favorites]
Don't do it. If this is how you think back on your time together:
it was a seemingly never ending saga of heartache and tears. It was absolute total insanity on pretty much all levels.
Then your gesture is pretty obviously just your attempt at adding another chapter to this tale. Let sleeping dogs lie, show how important your last relationship was by improving your next relationship.
posted by Think_Long at 7:46 PM on October 28, 2013 [12 favorites]
it was a seemingly never ending saga of heartache and tears. It was absolute total insanity on pretty much all levels.
Then your gesture is pretty obviously just your attempt at adding another chapter to this tale. Let sleeping dogs lie, show how important your last relationship was by improving your next relationship.
posted by Think_Long at 7:46 PM on October 28, 2013 [12 favorites]
I think it's too strange to work. I would be stunned to get a gift of that size from anyone I rarely talk to, ex-boyfriend or not; it's just not done (excessive, as said above, is the right word). Plus, as Sara C. says, they're her teeth; it almost reads like a pity gift, or even a dig, like you're insulting her looks. Maybe she's fine with her teeth, or maybe she's not but would rather spend her money (or your money!) on something else. You sound like you have a good heart; consider using that money on a site like Modest Needs to help someone who needs it.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:46 PM on October 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:46 PM on October 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
She has an MBA but lives in a trailer and drives a cab. I'm guessing she has money issues of one kind or another, to the point where -- again, just guessing -- $4,000 won't be seen just as a nice gesture.
Hell, I can't imagine any situation in which I wouldn't treat a $4,000 gift out of nowhere with at least a bit of suspicion, especially from an ex. I mean, would she not reject it outright?
You know her better than we do, but I'd say to leave it alone. And put your money in something with at least a small rate of return; it'll dissuade you from throwing it around and being a (slightly creepy) philanthropist.
posted by supercres at 7:48 PM on October 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Hell, I can't imagine any situation in which I wouldn't treat a $4,000 gift out of nowhere with at least a bit of suspicion, especially from an ex. I mean, would she not reject it outright?
You know her better than we do, but I'd say to leave it alone. And put your money in something with at least a small rate of return; it'll dissuade you from throwing it around and being a (slightly creepy) philanthropist.
posted by supercres at 7:48 PM on October 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I would strongly discourage you from doing this, even though it really seems like you mean well.
Here's why:
I think it is lovely of you to want to do something nice for someone, but you really need to be mindful of social boundaries. This is not a good idea.
posted by Old Man McKay at 7:49 PM on October 28, 2013 [25 favorites]
Here's why:
- People rarely assume that gifts are no-strings-attached... unless those gifts are given by family (or significant others). When you give someone $4,000 like that, there's a huge chance they will assume there are big strings attached, and it will complicate things.
- You will be massively stepping on the toes of her boyfriend and her family. By giving her a big gift, they will likely feel that you are saying "since you can't take care of this woman, I will." Not a good dynamic.
- You run the risk of rubbing her nose in your success. Let me give you an example from my life. I'm fortunate to have gone to a great school. I have a great job, good savings, and a healthy income. A good friend of mine has been scraping by for many years now, and can use every dollar he can get his hands on. Even if I try to buy him dinner when we go out, I can tell it's a bit of a shot to his pride, because he insists on paying for himself most of the time. And that's just spending $10 or $20 to do something nice for him. If I ever tried to give him $4,000 he would likely be greatly offended, even though he could really use it. That's not really an uncommon feeling.
I think it is lovely of you to want to do something nice for someone, but you really need to be mindful of social boundaries. This is not a good idea.
posted by Old Man McKay at 7:49 PM on October 28, 2013 [25 favorites]
It is a nice gesture, and perhaps one that might increase the odds of her getting a job.
However, as many have pointed out, it is a mnefield of emotions, fraught with the implication of what you want out of it.
As pointed above, it is going to be more than 4k. Seriosu dental work is always in the thousands for one tooth, let alone several.
at any rate, you can always go to a reputable dentist, talk to them about your desire to make an anonymous donation, and have them contact her. If she takes it, great, if she doesn't, well, nothing you can do there.
If she accepts you get to help her, she gets a happy smile, and perhaps you can sort the tax implications of your gift without having to involve her.
The upside: she will never know!
posted by kadmilos at 7:52 PM on October 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
However, as many have pointed out, it is a mnefield of emotions, fraught with the implication of what you want out of it.
As pointed above, it is going to be more than 4k. Seriosu dental work is always in the thousands for one tooth, let alone several.
at any rate, you can always go to a reputable dentist, talk to them about your desire to make an anonymous donation, and have them contact her. If she takes it, great, if she doesn't, well, nothing you can do there.
If she accepts you get to help her, she gets a happy smile, and perhaps you can sort the tax implications of your gift without having to involve her.
The upside: she will never know!
posted by kadmilos at 7:52 PM on October 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
What has she said to you about her teeth? I'd be mortified if a friend took it upon themselves to fix something about my appearance that I'd never brought up with them or sought their advice on.
An ex friend of mine used to like doing this for friends and family. She had lots of money and wanted to help in ways deemed important to her (appearance). Ex.
Think long has it right as well. You've described this as 'over the top' for a reason. Unless she has been talking to you about how hard it had been for her planning and saving for this is stay away from it. Even if she had your gift comes with baggage. Seconding ways to make this happen anonymously.
posted by Trivia Newton John at 7:55 PM on October 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
An ex friend of mine used to like doing this for friends and family. She had lots of money and wanted to help in ways deemed important to her (appearance). Ex.
Think long has it right as well. You've described this as 'over the top' for a reason. Unless she has been talking to you about how hard it had been for her planning and saving for this is stay away from it. Even if she had your gift comes with baggage. Seconding ways to make this happen anonymously.
posted by Trivia Newton John at 7:55 PM on October 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
There is no way this won't be construed as a bizarre, out of left field, romantic gesture.
If you were close friends you might be able to frame this as a loan with no repayment plan and no expectation it would be repaid short of her winning the lottery, but you barely have any contact with her. It's just very inappropriate and I would say there is a decent chance she would reject the gift on that basis and/or to pacify the boyfriend who will likely feel very weird about his girlfriend accepting a lavish gift from her longtime ex.
posted by whoaali at 8:00 PM on October 28, 2013
If you were close friends you might be able to frame this as a loan with no repayment plan and no expectation it would be repaid short of her winning the lottery, but you barely have any contact with her. It's just very inappropriate and I would say there is a decent chance she would reject the gift on that basis and/or to pacify the boyfriend who will likely feel very weird about his girlfriend accepting a lavish gift from her longtime ex.
posted by whoaali at 8:00 PM on October 28, 2013
I just want to throw something in: It is entirely possible that this feels fairly small to you, nice gesture kind of territory. It probably won't feel fairly small to her, and that's what's going to make it weird. I have a friend who keeps trying to help me with my bills, and it's like--well, I could use the help. And for her, it would be next to nothing. But it's already weird enough being good friends with someone who is in a totally different income bracket, it would be even weirder if she was also occasionally paying my rent when I was struggling. So I've always said no. But if this was inclined to be kinda drama-filled already... yeah, just avoid it.
posted by Sequence at 8:02 PM on October 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Sequence at 8:02 PM on October 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to help out a friend but the circumstances do seem a bit strange. Do you know that she wants to get her teeth fixed? If so then why not discuss with her the possibility of helping her out and asking her how you could be of help. I wouldn't just give her a check out of the blue but discuss the whole situation first with her first. I'll be honest that it does sound like you may still have feelings for her and if that is the case then it may not be a good idea. Either way her bf is bound to be uncomfortable with this if not feel a bit threatened. I think you have to be ruthlessly honest with yourself about whether you are hoping that is the case. It could definitely cause tension in their relationship if she accepts this gift and you are hoping to get back together.
posted by wildflower at 8:02 PM on October 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by wildflower at 8:02 PM on October 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
I think you should seriously examine your motives for giving her the gift. I mean, is there anyone else you talk to "relatively infrequently" you would give four grand? What not your parents or family? Why her specifically? Why, if you are just giving this gift as a friend, does it matter to you that she's seeing someone?
Is this "nuts or unwise?" Yeah, probably both.
posted by hamsterdam at 8:04 PM on October 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
Is this "nuts or unwise?" Yeah, probably both.
posted by hamsterdam at 8:04 PM on October 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
Oh, seeing that this is a *recent* bf of hers I think you are unconsciously trying to come between them and win her back. In that case, definitely don't do it.
posted by wildflower at 8:14 PM on October 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by wildflower at 8:14 PM on October 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Oh, dude. You mean well, but don't. Twenty years from now, if you do, it's is going to be just another crazy thing you did in a crazy relatationship full of drama and you won't be able to believe you thought it was a good idea. Let it all go. You talk infrequently and she has a boyfriend now? This is totally just stirring the pot.
If you want her to know you care, send her a nice Christmas card and some Chex Mix.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 8:26 PM on October 28, 2013 [7 favorites]
If you want her to know you care, send her a nice Christmas card and some Chex Mix.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 8:26 PM on October 28, 2013 [7 favorites]
Best answer: It really depends on the friendship you have with her - I have an ex who is a good friend and I would do that for him in a second if he needed it.
I think you'd need to talk to her about it and see how she feels about it. You could also offer it to her as a loan, saying the she can take as long as she likes to pay you back - whenever she gets back on her feet, and that if that's never, that's ok too.
it is a risky thing to do, but the risk is social - it might cause drama, but the risk to her health is greater, I think. Tooth infections can be life-threatening.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 8:41 PM on October 28, 2013
I think you'd need to talk to her about it and see how she feels about it. You could also offer it to her as a loan, saying the she can take as long as she likes to pay you back - whenever she gets back on her feet, and that if that's never, that's ok too.
it is a risky thing to do, but the risk is social - it might cause drama, but the risk to her health is greater, I think. Tooth infections can be life-threatening.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 8:41 PM on October 28, 2013
our relationship was insanely tumultuous and emotionally exhausting for the both of us.... I'd like to do something over-the-top nice to honor the time we spent together.
The only thing appropriate about this gift is how accurately it seems to fit the nature of the relationship you had. RE: too volatile, too insane, too dramatic.
Dramatic(read: bad) relationships are full of these big swooping gestures to balance out the fights and tears and heartbreak. This gift seems like you are continuing that unhealthy dynamic 6 years out. Walk away from this idea like you did the relationship.
posted by French Fry at 8:46 PM on October 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
The only thing appropriate about this gift is how accurately it seems to fit the nature of the relationship you had. RE: too volatile, too insane, too dramatic.
Dramatic(read: bad) relationships are full of these big swooping gestures to balance out the fights and tears and heartbreak. This gift seems like you are continuing that unhealthy dynamic 6 years out. Walk away from this idea like you did the relationship.
posted by French Fry at 8:46 PM on October 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
I think that offering to help pay for some of her dental work is a very nice and generous offer, assuming you guys still consider each other to be friends (just friends that currently don't talk much because that's necessary at this point in her relationship with her new bf) and assuming also that she has mentioned wanting/needing dental work. I'm not sure about either of those things though, because you put the word friends in quotes and you didn't say whether her dental problems were something she had talked to you about. Anyway, assuming both those things are true: if I were in her position I would gladly accept it, and if my boyfriend had a problem with that I would seriously wonder why he thought his jealousy was more important than my teeth.
I think it might be a little weird to give it as a Christmas gift though or with the idea that it's about your time together. I would frame it as helping her out as a friend. And, since it could be really hurtful for you to bring it up out of the blue, you really shouldn't unless she's already mentioned it. If she hasn't, then I think all you can do is just plan to offer help if she ever does mention it in the future.
As far as $4,000 not being enough for all the work - true, but it's probably enough to fix at least one tooth, and having two problem teeth is better than having three.
posted by treese at 8:50 PM on October 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
I think it might be a little weird to give it as a Christmas gift though or with the idea that it's about your time together. I would frame it as helping her out as a friend. And, since it could be really hurtful for you to bring it up out of the blue, you really shouldn't unless she's already mentioned it. If she hasn't, then I think all you can do is just plan to offer help if she ever does mention it in the future.
As far as $4,000 not being enough for all the work - true, but it's probably enough to fix at least one tooth, and having two problem teeth is better than having three.
posted by treese at 8:50 PM on October 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
This would be super-weird.
It would be complicated and probably awkward if she were your sister, even. But she's not. She's an ex-girlfriend.
posted by leahwrenn at 9:07 PM on October 28, 2013
It would be complicated and probably awkward if she were your sister, even. But she's not. She's an ex-girlfriend.
posted by leahwrenn at 9:07 PM on October 28, 2013
Also, while I appreciated the link to the previous question because the title is hilarious, this is nothing like giving someone a banjo. Having serious dental problems can be a health risk and also can be very difficult emotionally. If it's possible to help her fix hers without making her feel terribly awkward or embarrassed about it, then it is a worthwhile and kind thing to do.
posted by treese at 9:36 PM on October 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by treese at 9:36 PM on October 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I know this isn't the answer you want, but I'm another voice chiming in to say, yes, this is too much and is a really bad idea. I say this as someone who is hella broke and has worked multiple jobs who could absolutely put an unexpected windfall to good, very practical use, but I can't think of many scenarios in which I'd feel comfortable accepting such a gift, especially from an ex who I talk to infrequently, just as I am exploring a new relationship.
Also, while it absolutely sounds like you want to mean well in a generous, unselfish way, this is a bit circumspect. From your description, you aren't that tight and have been apart for 6 years so, why do you feel the need to do something "over the top" to honor your time together? Why now? It sounds like the only thing that has changed is this new relationship and as much as you want to believe you don't harbor any hopes of getting back together, the urge to do something to honor/remind you both of the time you spent together seems to indicate the opposite. If you're feeling philanthropic, I'd suggest examining other avenues like Modest Needs as mentioned above. Some other ideas are Donors Choose, Kiva, or even Kickstarter. If you want to help her and truly not interested in the glory of being her benefactor, you could point her in the direction of the low cost dental care solutions mentioned on the NIDC's site, help her apply to Modest Needs, or, if she is a creative or entrepreneurial type, help her launch her own crowd funded project via Kickstarter or a similar organization. If she goes that route and you want to help fund her project, do so through a reasonably sized, normal donation and not the overly generous amount mentioned above.
Lastly, even entertaining this idea is an act of kindness unto itself. It's not one your ex will know about (unless you tell her), but even as most of us are agreeing this is not the way to go, it's clear that there is a kind, generous impulse driving this, even if you eventually come to the conclusion that on some level, you were hoping your grand gesture might lead to something good for you, too. No matter what comes of it, this idea says a lot of good about who you are as a person and how much this relationship meant to you. Best of luck!
posted by katemcd at 9:48 PM on October 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Also, while it absolutely sounds like you want to mean well in a generous, unselfish way, this is a bit circumspect. From your description, you aren't that tight and have been apart for 6 years so, why do you feel the need to do something "over the top" to honor your time together? Why now? It sounds like the only thing that has changed is this new relationship and as much as you want to believe you don't harbor any hopes of getting back together, the urge to do something to honor/remind you both of the time you spent together seems to indicate the opposite. If you're feeling philanthropic, I'd suggest examining other avenues like Modest Needs as mentioned above. Some other ideas are Donors Choose, Kiva, or even Kickstarter. If you want to help her and truly not interested in the glory of being her benefactor, you could point her in the direction of the low cost dental care solutions mentioned on the NIDC's site, help her apply to Modest Needs, or, if she is a creative or entrepreneurial type, help her launch her own crowd funded project via Kickstarter or a similar organization. If she goes that route and you want to help fund her project, do so through a reasonably sized, normal donation and not the overly generous amount mentioned above.
Lastly, even entertaining this idea is an act of kindness unto itself. It's not one your ex will know about (unless you tell her), but even as most of us are agreeing this is not the way to go, it's clear that there is a kind, generous impulse driving this, even if you eventually come to the conclusion that on some level, you were hoping your grand gesture might lead to something good for you, too. No matter what comes of it, this idea says a lot of good about who you are as a person and how much this relationship meant to you. Best of luck!
posted by katemcd at 9:48 PM on October 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Three things which I believe you should ask yourself.
First: What are your motives? Always a good idea to take a peek, see why you're doing this.
Second: What are your real motives? Take more than just a peek, look deeply into this.
Third: What the hell is really going on here? Get down into this, with someone who knows you well. Or perhaps someone who doesn't know you well, someone without any skin in the game at all, maybe a therapist in your locale who specializes in boundary issues.
I love that you've got the willingness to reach out to her -- super-cool. But I can't see any way that it's not tied into that whole drama/trauma routine you two endured; as noted by others upthread, this is just more of that. She's with another guy, perhaps a guy who likes bad dentistry in his women.
She knows you have the willingness to help her. She knows you, knows you've got a few bucks, knows you care about her, and (worst) knows you'd love to stir the pot some more. If it became critical, she, knowing of your willingness and ability to help, she could come and ask you. That would be fifteen different types of less strange than you coming out of nowhere waving some long green around.
And four grand isn't going to go far. It just isn't. I've been avoiding the dentist chair a long time, finally bit down and cracked a partial, needed to get it fixed. I got that piece fixed and refitted, my teeth deep-cleaned, then two cavities fixed. Right at a thousand bucks. I am not flush right now, so I spread the work out over three months. But all this work did was bring me to a holding pattern, I've got tons of work needed done, re-sectioning lower jaw, wiring it closed while it heals, extractions of some teeth, on and on. Four grand would begin that work I need, but just barely.
Last. This is a well-educated woman; almost certainly the way that she is living is a choice. She's smart, bright, educated, connected. Barring fairly profound mental illness, it seems to me that she is choosing to live how she is living. That money, once out of your hand, is not your money anymore, and if you find next week that she's taken a trip to Paris on that money, you don't get to judge her. She's clearly got some major money issues up in her face.
I think stay away. As noted above, send a holiday gift card for a hundred bucks, tell her it was given to you but you've already got three others. A hundred bucks gift card, given that you explain it well, explain the circumstances (by which I mean, lie) of how you were given this gift card, you thought it'd be fun for them
posted by dancestoblue at 10:04 PM on October 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
First: What are your motives? Always a good idea to take a peek, see why you're doing this.
Second: What are your real motives? Take more than just a peek, look deeply into this.
Third: What the hell is really going on here? Get down into this, with someone who knows you well. Or perhaps someone who doesn't know you well, someone without any skin in the game at all, maybe a therapist in your locale who specializes in boundary issues.
I love that you've got the willingness to reach out to her -- super-cool. But I can't see any way that it's not tied into that whole drama/trauma routine you two endured; as noted by others upthread, this is just more of that. She's with another guy, perhaps a guy who likes bad dentistry in his women.
She knows you have the willingness to help her. She knows you, knows you've got a few bucks, knows you care about her, and (worst) knows you'd love to stir the pot some more. If it became critical, she, knowing of your willingness and ability to help, she could come and ask you. That would be fifteen different types of less strange than you coming out of nowhere waving some long green around.
And four grand isn't going to go far. It just isn't. I've been avoiding the dentist chair a long time, finally bit down and cracked a partial, needed to get it fixed. I got that piece fixed and refitted, my teeth deep-cleaned, then two cavities fixed. Right at a thousand bucks. I am not flush right now, so I spread the work out over three months. But all this work did was bring me to a holding pattern, I've got tons of work needed done, re-sectioning lower jaw, wiring it closed while it heals, extractions of some teeth, on and on. Four grand would begin that work I need, but just barely.
Last. This is a well-educated woman; almost certainly the way that she is living is a choice. She's smart, bright, educated, connected. Barring fairly profound mental illness, it seems to me that she is choosing to live how she is living. That money, once out of your hand, is not your money anymore, and if you find next week that she's taken a trip to Paris on that money, you don't get to judge her. She's clearly got some major money issues up in her face.
I think stay away. As noted above, send a holiday gift card for a hundred bucks, tell her it was given to you but you've already got three others. A hundred bucks gift card, given that you explain it well, explain the circumstances (by which I mean, lie) of how you were given this gift card, you thought it'd be fun for them
posted by dancestoblue at 10:04 PM on October 28, 2013 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Great advice upthread. You sound like a really nice person. This is inappropriate on so many levels and I suggest that you move on. It's been 6 years since the end of your relationship and this monetary gesture, no matter how great or kind, seems to be coming from a place that is still pining over this woman. If she didn't need the dental work and it was something completely different, say, helping her with her student loans, it would still be inappropriate.
"Honoring your time together"? Are you trying to show her that you still care about her? The only things I can think of people honoring their time together is at funerals and weddings. That ship has sailed and their are other ways you can spend, invest, donate or splurge the money you have. Some people try to make up with loss of affection or time and replacing it with giving money. The two are not equal and never will be.
posted by lunastellasol at 10:33 PM on October 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
"Honoring your time together"? Are you trying to show her that you still care about her? The only things I can think of people honoring their time together is at funerals and weddings. That ship has sailed and their are other ways you can spend, invest, donate or splurge the money you have. Some people try to make up with loss of affection or time and replacing it with giving money. The two are not equal and never will be.
posted by lunastellasol at 10:33 PM on October 28, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: One of the reasons I broke up with an ex of mine is that her ex-boyfriend gave her a used car while we were dating. It wasn't like 'the last straw', but it definitely set in motion a chain of events that ended the relationship. I was okay with them being friendly, but that was just such an extravagant gift that I could no longer trust the two of them together. There's no way this is going to be seen by her current bf as anything but an aggressive gesture. I have no idea how she'll take it, but you're going to put her into a really uncomfortable position, especially if she needs the money -- essentially forcing her to choose between this money and her current relationship. Even if it only puts a strain on it, it's still a terrible position to put her into.
posted by empath at 11:12 PM on October 28, 2013 [9 favorites]
posted by empath at 11:12 PM on October 28, 2013 [9 favorites]
empath said exactly what I was about to type.
Yes, it will undoubtedly affect her current relationship. Don't do it.
posted by Youremyworld at 11:18 PM on October 28, 2013
Yes, it will undoubtedly affect her current relationship. Don't do it.
posted by Youremyworld at 11:18 PM on October 28, 2013
I think the only way to make a gift like this and not have it come off as creepy is to do it anonymously.
posted by Jacqueline at 11:22 PM on October 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Jacqueline at 11:22 PM on October 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
Ask yourself why you didn't offer this while you were dating.
posted by third word on a random page at 11:23 PM on October 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by third word on a random page at 11:23 PM on October 28, 2013 [2 favorites]
I love giving gifts, even if I can't as often as I like. I sheepishly admit I love getting gifts too. I think if you fall into at least the "love giving gifts" category, this might not seem so odd. I which case I think talking to her about it would be okay. If this is something completely outside your character, then no.
It would also depend on if she's spoken about the dental work to you. If not, then GOD NO.
I also agree with what the others said about the indefinite loan. Would seem less creepy even if both you and her knew she'd likely never pay it off.
And yes, 4 grand probably isn't enough for all the work, unless she did some kind of dental tourism. Still, I think it's a nice gesture... If your motives really are pure. I agree with really really really reflecting on this one.
No surprise though, talking to her first about just seems like a necessity. If you surprise her with it, it's almost certainly going to get weird. Plus, it's sort of unfairly forcing a gift on her, and if she knows it would bring drama into her current relationship, you're not letting her make that decision.
posted by [insert clever name here] at 12:51 AM on October 29, 2013
It would also depend on if she's spoken about the dental work to you. If not, then GOD NO.
I also agree with what the others said about the indefinite loan. Would seem less creepy even if both you and her knew she'd likely never pay it off.
And yes, 4 grand probably isn't enough for all the work, unless she did some kind of dental tourism. Still, I think it's a nice gesture... If your motives really are pure. I agree with really really really reflecting on this one.
No surprise though, talking to her first about just seems like a necessity. If you surprise her with it, it's almost certainly going to get weird. Plus, it's sort of unfairly forcing a gift on her, and if she knows it would bring drama into her current relationship, you're not letting her make that decision.
posted by [insert clever name here] at 12:51 AM on October 29, 2013
You need to very carefully review your real reasons for wanting to do this, because "an over the top celebration of our time together" sounds like grade A bullshit.
Offering someone that you had a bad relationship with six years ago a large sum of money, unasked, seems like a very freaky thing to do, and incredibly condescending at best.
posted by windykites at 1:46 AM on October 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Offering someone that you had a bad relationship with six years ago a large sum of money, unasked, seems like a very freaky thing to do, and incredibly condescending at best.
posted by windykites at 1:46 AM on October 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
I disagree with the consensus here. Having dental problems is a huge problem for poor and working class people. People get caught in a cycle of poverty that it is very difficult to break out of. Bad teeth = bad jobs = no money for dental care = bad jobs. This has been amply documented -- there was a PBS special about this in the US about a year ago.
(Also, having an MBA doesn't make you middle class. She may have an MBA from a crappy school, or have gone massively into debt to pay for it in a struggling economy.)
Some people let pride get in the way of making major changes for the better in their lives. Others don't. I think what you are trying to do here is incredibly powerful and I wish more people would do this. It could completely change the course of her life. It is a pure act of kindness, and pragmatic to boot.
If other people have put you off of just doing it, another alternative is to send her the money anonymously. Like, from an old friend who cares about her. That way, she gets the money to fix her teeth (which is a wonderfully kind gesture) and there's also no weirdness.
posted by 3491again at 2:40 AM on October 29, 2013 [7 favorites]
(Also, having an MBA doesn't make you middle class. She may have an MBA from a crappy school, or have gone massively into debt to pay for it in a struggling economy.)
Some people let pride get in the way of making major changes for the better in their lives. Others don't. I think what you are trying to do here is incredibly powerful and I wish more people would do this. It could completely change the course of her life. It is a pure act of kindness, and pragmatic to boot.
If other people have put you off of just doing it, another alternative is to send her the money anonymously. Like, from an old friend who cares about her. That way, she gets the money to fix her teeth (which is a wonderfully kind gesture) and there's also no weirdness.
posted by 3491again at 2:40 AM on October 29, 2013 [7 favorites]
So when I was at college, I had terrible teeth that really needed fixing. I mean, we're talking broken teeth, missing teeth, a bunch of root canals, the whole lot. I ended up spending an entire day in the dentist's chair once, so we're talking a hell of a lot of work that required a hell of a lot of cash.
And, at the time, there was no way in hell I'd let even my current boyfriend pay for them, much less an ex-boyfriend.
Because this was my problem, and it was a matter of pride, it was a matter of respect, and if I couldn't fix this myself, there was no way I'd let some guy come and pretend to be a fucking white knight and think he's saving the day.
People are incredibly sensitive about their teeth, especially if they're fucked up. Don't try and save her from herself.
posted by Katemonkey at 3:08 AM on October 29, 2013
And, at the time, there was no way in hell I'd let even my current boyfriend pay for them, much less an ex-boyfriend.
Because this was my problem, and it was a matter of pride, it was a matter of respect, and if I couldn't fix this myself, there was no way I'd let some guy come and pretend to be a fucking white knight and think he's saving the day.
People are incredibly sensitive about their teeth, especially if they're fucked up. Don't try and save her from herself.
posted by Katemonkey at 3:08 AM on October 29, 2013
I'd like to do something over-the-top nice to honor the time we spent together and let her know how much our time together meant to me.
I really don't buy your premise. Everything you've written screams to me, "I want her to know how awesome I think she is so maybe her heart will thaw towards me and maybe, just maybe, we'll get back to where we once were..."
I mean, "honor the time we spent together"? Just tell her if you must. That doesn't cost $4,000. Don't do the big gesture. Do the small things. Besides, you're broken up with her. She's an ex-girlfriend. This is not your thing.
And just keep in mind the optics of "I love you. Here's $4,000. Go fix yourself." It looks bad to her current boyfriend. It tells her she is somehow deficient and broken, enough that you, an ex-boyfriend felt compelled to give a small fortune to fix her...how can that not make her feel bad and him off-kilter?
Just...no. Very very no.
posted by inturnaround at 3:41 AM on October 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
I really don't buy your premise. Everything you've written screams to me, "I want her to know how awesome I think she is so maybe her heart will thaw towards me and maybe, just maybe, we'll get back to where we once were..."
I mean, "honor the time we spent together"? Just tell her if you must. That doesn't cost $4,000. Don't do the big gesture. Do the small things. Besides, you're broken up with her. She's an ex-girlfriend. This is not your thing.
And just keep in mind the optics of "I love you. Here's $4,000. Go fix yourself." It looks bad to her current boyfriend. It tells her she is somehow deficient and broken, enough that you, an ex-boyfriend felt compelled to give a small fortune to fix her...how can that not make her feel bad and him off-kilter?
Just...no. Very very no.
posted by inturnaround at 3:41 AM on October 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
Another vote for anonymous or not at all.
posted by goo at 4:24 AM on October 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by goo at 4:24 AM on October 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
I am glad katemonkey spoke up. When I have urges like this toward friends or people I'm dating who have fewer resources than I do, part of my motivation is often a desire to fix things for them, and I have to be honest about that and listen to the part of my brain that says it's not my job to sweep in and solve people's problems for them, especially if they haven't asked for help--and double-especially if they are an independent or proud person who doesn't want to be helped. The less intimate our relationship is, the less it's my job, if that makes sense, "and ex from roller-coaster relationship six years ago" is pretty non-intimate in anybody's book.
posted by not that girl at 5:19 AM on October 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by not that girl at 5:19 AM on October 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Would you still be willing to do this if it was anonymously? If she never ever knew it was you that paid for it, that she just turned up at a dentist and you paid the bills and you never saw her again and never mentioned through word or deed to anyone that you did this.
If and only if you can and are willing to do it that way is it in anyway not weird and is about helping someone, otherwise its about trying to keep yourself involved in her life.
posted by wwax at 6:27 AM on October 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
If and only if you can and are willing to do it that way is it in anyway not weird and is about helping someone, otherwise its about trying to keep yourself involved in her life.
posted by wwax at 6:27 AM on October 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
I am also going to go against the majority view here - I have big dental problems, which don't get taken care of because I will never be able to do so on my current income. If someone were to offer me something towards the total cost, I'd be not only incredibly grateful, but it might actually make it possible to DO what needs doing, and spare me quite a lot of health issues and anxiety. My life would improve massively overall, in fact.
PS You can scratch the above if it turned out that there is a strong ulterior motive for the gesture. I just happen to believe that people do kind things for each other more often than we think, and that this is not a creepy thing in and of itself, nor do I think it shows disrespect.
posted by miorita at 6:45 AM on October 29, 2013 [5 favorites]
PS You can scratch the above if it turned out that there is a strong ulterior motive for the gesture. I just happen to believe that people do kind things for each other more often than we think, and that this is not a creepy thing in and of itself, nor do I think it shows disrespect.
posted by miorita at 6:45 AM on October 29, 2013 [5 favorites]
I'm going to offer a totally new plate of beans! Okay, so "She has serious dental issues (one of her front teeth is missing a portion and several are falling out) I'd like to pay to have this fixed."
Has she told you that she wants to have her teeth fixed?
Has she mentioned to you how she wants them fixed?
Why $4000 - has she told you this is how much it would cost, and that cost is deterring her?
If and only if the answers are a resounding "yes" to all questions, then that suggests she really needs the help but is very uncomfortable asking for it. You might open up a conversation with her about it to tell her that you'd happily help her out, no strings attached, to support someone who is part of your past. And if she is okay with this, then go ahead.
Otherwise, it sounds like you swooping in unasked to solve something she either doesn't think is a problem or is unwilling to publicly discuss, and this is absolutely a no-go.
posted by nicodine at 8:33 AM on October 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
Has she told you that she wants to have her teeth fixed?
Has she mentioned to you how she wants them fixed?
Why $4000 - has she told you this is how much it would cost, and that cost is deterring her?
If and only if the answers are a resounding "yes" to all questions, then that suggests she really needs the help but is very uncomfortable asking for it. You might open up a conversation with her about it to tell her that you'd happily help her out, no strings attached, to support someone who is part of your past. And if she is okay with this, then go ahead.
Otherwise, it sounds like you swooping in unasked to solve something she either doesn't think is a problem or is unwilling to publicly discuss, and this is absolutely a no-go.
posted by nicodine at 8:33 AM on October 29, 2013 [1 favorite]
I wish you would do it, but anonymously.
posted by amodelcitizen at 8:54 AM on October 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by amodelcitizen at 8:54 AM on October 29, 2013 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Plenty of people have already addressed why this idea isn't so great, and you seem to be receptive to that advice so I won't go into it here. However, I would like to urge you to examine your motivations and the feelings you are having that led you to think about doing something like this in the first place. A lot of my insight here is coming from my own life experience, and I recognize that it may not match up perfectly with yours, but I am hearing enough similarities here that I feel like it might be worth it to you to think about some things. Feel free to disregard if upon reflection you conclude that my concerns are unfounded. There's a lot of guesswork here and I may well be off base but I think that it's worth considering what I have to say and making a decision for yourself.
What I am hearing in your question is that you are six years out from an intense long-term relationship that included a lot of strong negative emotion and maybe was even somewhat traumatic. You've remained in contact with your ex-partner since the breakup out of what sounds like an understandable desire to remain friends with someone who you think is genuinely a great person even if she's not a good fit for you. I'm concerned that this may not be healthy for you in this specific instance (although remaining friends with exes is often a fine thing in general) because to me it sounds like you may well have a lot of ongoing romantic feelings toward this person and a desire -- perhaps a conscious one, perhaps an unconscious and unacknowledged one -- to resume your relationship with them.
I am guessing that you realize intellectually that getting back together with this ex is inadvisable and probably impossible. However, I feel that maybe you are still harboring a feeling that if you could just get her to give you another try, now that you have had time to reflect on your experience with her and spend six years maturing and developing as a person, that it would work out and you could have the great romantic relationship with her that you always wanted and always believed was possible. Because of this you are having thoughts about making grand gestures for her, giving her gifts and doing her big favors that you are rationalizing as being simply nice, no-strings-attached things to do for someone you like but which subconsciously you are hoping might open the door to another shot at a relationship.
If this is the case (and only you can say, after some honest soul-searching, whether it is) then I would urge you to recognize that this is an unhealthy attachment that is hurting you and holding you back. Your relationship with this woman (by the way it's a pet peeve of mine when people refer to their adult female romantic partners as "girls"; even if she was 16 when you broke up she's 22 now and is an adult woman, but that's very much a tangent so I'll leave it there) sounds to me like it wasn't a very good one. Descriptors like "tumultuous," "emotionally exhausting," "heartache and tears," and "total insanity" are ones that I've used in the past to describe my own bad relationships -- ones that were intense and committed and which involved partners who were sometimes wonderful people but who were simply fundamentally incompatible with me and which should have ended a lot sooner than they did. Letting go of my attachments to those people after breaking up, while sometimes difficult, has always been an absolutely critical part of the healing-and-moving-on-with-life process for me.
You are going to have a much harder time finding a romantic partner who is actually good for you and to whom you can be a good, respectful, fully-present partner if you are still hung up on this person with whom you had a bad relationship six years ago. You may also find yourself unconsciously making decisions in your life based not on how good they are for your future but rather on what affect they will have on an imagined possibility of a future relationship with this woman. These sorts of things are going to hold you back and make it harder for you to achieve your full potential and be the best, happiest, most fulfilled person that you can be. I urge you to think hard about whether this is the case, whether it accurately describes your feelings and your actions, and to make a decision -- potentially a hard decision -- in support of your own emotional well-being.
If upon reflection you agree with my surmise that you have some unhealthy attachments to this person that are having a negative impact on your present life, I would urge you to work really hard on letting this person go and moving forward. That probably would mean dropping contact with her, among other things. It sounds like your contact with her is already pretty tenuous, so it probably wouldn't be too hard to just let yourself drift away and cease contact entirely. You would also likely need to really process your feelings and find a way of releasing them and coming to a place where you felt more neutral and detached from this woman and your memories of her. Therapy might be a good option there, though in the past I've been able to work through my own failed relationships on my own (or with the help of friends and family) through diligent self-examination and introspection. That might work for you too, I can't say.
In any case, I wish you luck. I hope you don't find my analysis and advice presumptuous -- as I said, it's possible that there is entirely too much projection in this answer and that I am reading you totally wrong. However, if you think that there might be some truth to what I've said here then again I urge you to think hard about what's actually best for your own mental and emotional health, and make some positive changes. I wish you the best.
posted by Scientist at 9:00 AM on October 29, 2013 [5 favorites]
What I am hearing in your question is that you are six years out from an intense long-term relationship that included a lot of strong negative emotion and maybe was even somewhat traumatic. You've remained in contact with your ex-partner since the breakup out of what sounds like an understandable desire to remain friends with someone who you think is genuinely a great person even if she's not a good fit for you. I'm concerned that this may not be healthy for you in this specific instance (although remaining friends with exes is often a fine thing in general) because to me it sounds like you may well have a lot of ongoing romantic feelings toward this person and a desire -- perhaps a conscious one, perhaps an unconscious and unacknowledged one -- to resume your relationship with them.
I am guessing that you realize intellectually that getting back together with this ex is inadvisable and probably impossible. However, I feel that maybe you are still harboring a feeling that if you could just get her to give you another try, now that you have had time to reflect on your experience with her and spend six years maturing and developing as a person, that it would work out and you could have the great romantic relationship with her that you always wanted and always believed was possible. Because of this you are having thoughts about making grand gestures for her, giving her gifts and doing her big favors that you are rationalizing as being simply nice, no-strings-attached things to do for someone you like but which subconsciously you are hoping might open the door to another shot at a relationship.
If this is the case (and only you can say, after some honest soul-searching, whether it is) then I would urge you to recognize that this is an unhealthy attachment that is hurting you and holding you back. Your relationship with this woman (by the way it's a pet peeve of mine when people refer to their adult female romantic partners as "girls"; even if she was 16 when you broke up she's 22 now and is an adult woman, but that's very much a tangent so I'll leave it there) sounds to me like it wasn't a very good one. Descriptors like "tumultuous," "emotionally exhausting," "heartache and tears," and "total insanity" are ones that I've used in the past to describe my own bad relationships -- ones that were intense and committed and which involved partners who were sometimes wonderful people but who were simply fundamentally incompatible with me and which should have ended a lot sooner than they did. Letting go of my attachments to those people after breaking up, while sometimes difficult, has always been an absolutely critical part of the healing-and-moving-on-with-life process for me.
You are going to have a much harder time finding a romantic partner who is actually good for you and to whom you can be a good, respectful, fully-present partner if you are still hung up on this person with whom you had a bad relationship six years ago. You may also find yourself unconsciously making decisions in your life based not on how good they are for your future but rather on what affect they will have on an imagined possibility of a future relationship with this woman. These sorts of things are going to hold you back and make it harder for you to achieve your full potential and be the best, happiest, most fulfilled person that you can be. I urge you to think hard about whether this is the case, whether it accurately describes your feelings and your actions, and to make a decision -- potentially a hard decision -- in support of your own emotional well-being.
If upon reflection you agree with my surmise that you have some unhealthy attachments to this person that are having a negative impact on your present life, I would urge you to work really hard on letting this person go and moving forward. That probably would mean dropping contact with her, among other things. It sounds like your contact with her is already pretty tenuous, so it probably wouldn't be too hard to just let yourself drift away and cease contact entirely. You would also likely need to really process your feelings and find a way of releasing them and coming to a place where you felt more neutral and detached from this woman and your memories of her. Therapy might be a good option there, though in the past I've been able to work through my own failed relationships on my own (or with the help of friends and family) through diligent self-examination and introspection. That might work for you too, I can't say.
In any case, I wish you luck. I hope you don't find my analysis and advice presumptuous -- as I said, it's possible that there is entirely too much projection in this answer and that I am reading you totally wrong. However, if you think that there might be some truth to what I've said here then again I urge you to think hard about what's actually best for your own mental and emotional health, and make some positive changes. I wish you the best.
posted by Scientist at 9:00 AM on October 29, 2013 [5 favorites]
Six years out, she's seeing someone new and in your own words, you want to do something "over-the-top nice."
Despite your protests, this sounds exactly like you're trying to win her back. More than that, to me, it sounds like you're trying to remake her into the sort of partner you think you deserve now.
Don't do it. Donate to charities instead, local funds for healthcare, local dental clinics, something. Donate in her name if you'd like.
posted by RainyJay at 11:01 AM on October 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
Despite your protests, this sounds exactly like you're trying to win her back. More than that, to me, it sounds like you're trying to remake her into the sort of partner you think you deserve now.
Don't do it. Donate to charities instead, local funds for healthcare, local dental clinics, something. Donate in her name if you'd like.
posted by RainyJay at 11:01 AM on October 29, 2013 [2 favorites]
I'm coming to this conversation late, and have not read all the responses but I can share a relevant personal experience.
A woman I was dating in my twenties had very crooked front teeth. Crooked as in sideways. She worked in a food co-op, not making enough money for orthodontia. I was working at Apple.
We dated for three years, and were pretty serious. We lived together. At some point we talked about my helping pay for her orthodontia work.
Then we broke up. Or, I should say, I broke up with her. Shortly afterwards she asked if I'd still be willing to help pay for her orthodontia. I decided to help out, and wrote her a check for about $3,000. I wasn't doing it out of guilt. But she was a nice person who was making much less money than me. It just seemed like the right thing to do.
I didn't see her much after that but we run into each other every few years and we have some mutual acquaintances, and it's been clear that getting her teeth fixed had a major positive impact on her self image and her life. I had no idea how big a deal it was at the time. I thought she was beautiful and didn't notice her teeth much. But she did, and other people did.
YMMV, but I'm really glad that I shelled out that money for my ex's dental work.
posted by alms at 8:05 AM on October 30, 2013 [2 favorites]
A woman I was dating in my twenties had very crooked front teeth. Crooked as in sideways. She worked in a food co-op, not making enough money for orthodontia. I was working at Apple.
We dated for three years, and were pretty serious. We lived together. At some point we talked about my helping pay for her orthodontia work.
Then we broke up. Or, I should say, I broke up with her. Shortly afterwards she asked if I'd still be willing to help pay for her orthodontia. I decided to help out, and wrote her a check for about $3,000. I wasn't doing it out of guilt. But she was a nice person who was making much less money than me. It just seemed like the right thing to do.
I didn't see her much after that but we run into each other every few years and we have some mutual acquaintances, and it's been clear that getting her teeth fixed had a major positive impact on her self image and her life. I had no idea how big a deal it was at the time. I thought she was beautiful and didn't notice her teeth much. But she did, and other people did.
YMMV, but I'm really glad that I shelled out that money for my ex's dental work.
posted by alms at 8:05 AM on October 30, 2013 [2 favorites]
There are some key differences between alms's story and yours. In alms's case the money was something that had been agreed upon before the breakup, and the ex made it clear that she would appreciate the money even afterward. In your case ninepin, you and your ex have been split for six years, she has a new boyfriend, and she hasn't explicitly asked for this (or any) gift. I think that makes a big difference in terms of appropriateness.
posted by Scientist at 10:01 AM on October 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Scientist at 10:01 AM on October 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
I disagree with the consensus here. You'll notice that a lot of the advice on metafilter comes from a self-serving angle. There's also a tendency for people on here to act as if it's not possible to continue caring about an ex you share a history with unless there's some ulterior motive involved. Both are symptomatic of our narcissistic culture.
I think you should go ahead and do it. This truly could change the course of her life and it's something you'll look back on later in your life and feel happy that you did for another person you cared about (trust me on this).
If it makes you feel better about it, make the gift anonymously. But I don't think that's entirely necessary.
Remember life is short. Do something kind for another person.
posted by timsneezed at 8:31 PM on October 30, 2013 [3 favorites]
I think you should go ahead and do it. This truly could change the course of her life and it's something you'll look back on later in your life and feel happy that you did for another person you cared about (trust me on this).
If it makes you feel better about it, make the gift anonymously. But I don't think that's entirely necessary.
Remember life is short. Do something kind for another person.
posted by timsneezed at 8:31 PM on October 30, 2013 [3 favorites]
You should do it simply because it's the right thing to do, as long as you have the means and no ulterior motives. Just gently broach the topic with her, perhaps ask her how she thinks her boyfriend might react, and then offer it with no strings attached. If you don't want to come off as "creepy" like people are saying (though I'm still not sure why it's creepy), maybe fib a little to make it about you. Like "Oh, I just recently had a car accident and feel lucky to be alive and want to help others" or "Oh, I just went on a retreat and am feeling really renewed in life and happy to be alive and am reaching out to people from my past." I'd think you were a little weird and *perhaps* fibbing to make me feel better, but I'd still probably take the money if I couldn't afford to fix it myself. She did mean something to you for 2 years.
posted by madonna of the unloved at 3:08 AM on November 1, 2013
posted by madonna of the unloved at 3:08 AM on November 1, 2013
Response by poster: I really appreciate everyone's input and wanted to provide a final followup.
I sent her a TXT a couple of weeks ago and told her I had a question I wanted to ask, but asked that she think about it for awhile and not answer immediately.. She said Ok.
I basically said "If I were willing to help out financially with your dental work, with absolutely no strings whatsoever attached, would you allow me to?" I relayed some of the concerns mentioned in the answers here and told her that I knew that as an EX-boyfriend it wasn't exactly "my place" to offer that sort of assistance, and that I didn't want to make either her or her current boyfriend uncomfortable.. She said she'd need to think about it.
She called me yesterday and asked if I wanted to go to a Nick Cave show with her in July, and we ended up meeting for coffee later in the afternoon. Long story short, we talked about it for awhile and I ended up making a trip with her to her Denturist and wrote a check for just under $3k which was the balance needed to have the work done (She's having several teeth extracted and getting removable dentures, which is the most cost effective option for her)
She was totally overwhelmed, and kept crying the whole time we were in the dental office.. But they weren't the "sad" kind of tears. Her teeth have been a very serious issue for her both from an appearance / self-image perspective as well as general health / overall quality of life perspective for most of her adult life.
End result: She was blown away and was truly appreciative of my willingness to help. Lots of tears and hugs and thank you's. She's happy she can finally get her teeth fixed, and I'm happy I was able to do something kind for someone who used to be a big part of my life. Overall it felt kinda win/win without any of the "creepiness" or "weirdness" mentioned here.
Thanks again for everyone's input.
posted by ninepin at 9:21 AM on November 22, 2013 [4 favorites]
I sent her a TXT a couple of weeks ago and told her I had a question I wanted to ask, but asked that she think about it for awhile and not answer immediately.. She said Ok.
I basically said "If I were willing to help out financially with your dental work, with absolutely no strings whatsoever attached, would you allow me to?" I relayed some of the concerns mentioned in the answers here and told her that I knew that as an EX-boyfriend it wasn't exactly "my place" to offer that sort of assistance, and that I didn't want to make either her or her current boyfriend uncomfortable.. She said she'd need to think about it.
She called me yesterday and asked if I wanted to go to a Nick Cave show with her in July, and we ended up meeting for coffee later in the afternoon. Long story short, we talked about it for awhile and I ended up making a trip with her to her Denturist and wrote a check for just under $3k which was the balance needed to have the work done (She's having several teeth extracted and getting removable dentures, which is the most cost effective option for her)
She was totally overwhelmed, and kept crying the whole time we were in the dental office.. But they weren't the "sad" kind of tears. Her teeth have been a very serious issue for her both from an appearance / self-image perspective as well as general health / overall quality of life perspective for most of her adult life.
End result: She was blown away and was truly appreciative of my willingness to help. Lots of tears and hugs and thank you's. She's happy she can finally get her teeth fixed, and I'm happy I was able to do something kind for someone who used to be a big part of my life. Overall it felt kinda win/win without any of the "creepiness" or "weirdness" mentioned here.
Thanks again for everyone's input.
posted by ninepin at 9:21 AM on November 22, 2013 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Yay! I'm so glad it worked out for both of you!
posted by goo at 12:44 AM on November 23, 2013
posted by goo at 12:44 AM on November 23, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 7:23 PM on October 28, 2013 [12 favorites]