How do I get out of this rut and get back to succeeding at life?
October 9, 2013 2:01 PM Subscribe
Help me purge some depression and put myself on the right path to success. Special snowflake details inside. But I like to sum it up as: I’m like that little turtle trying to cross the highway. I end up on my back with my legs flailing in the air, inevitably fated to end up squashed flat… but I keep on trying to flip back over. I’m on a suicidal mission for happiness.
This is a purge post. In other words I need to get this off my chest somewhere and feel like maybe somewhere someone relates, empathizes or otherwise gives a care. If you intend to flame me, don’t bother reading this. However, if you have found yourself in a similar situation and can offer some sage advice I welcome it. What I don’t want to hear are comments like ‘just leave’ ‘go get counseling’ ‘quit your job’ as that ignores the financial constraints of my quandary. So here are my special snowflake details/purge:
I have come to the haunting realization that I will be stuck like my parents in a continuing cycle of low-wage earning jobs despite the fact that I have positively worked my ass off trying to better myself, make smart decisions and be responsible.
My father is a truck driver (not over the road, delivery for beverage company) and my mother works as a secretary at a school. They both have high school educations. I would describe us as a working class or blue collar family. Our household income is approximately $55,000-$57,000, but my parents do own their home. My sister is 19 and attending local community college and currently lives at home. I am 24 and moved back home two years ago after living and working on campus in order to save money to pay for school. There is significant tension in our home life and my father is mentally abusive and can be physically abusive. I have struggled with clinical depression most of my life and have recently noticed an increase in my social anxiety as well. I have been on a low dose antidepressant since I was a sophomore in H.S. I have been off my medication for the last 4-6 months because I have been waiting for an insurance carrier switch at my current place of employment.
I hope (pray, beseech, etc.) that I will have my bachelor’s degree this December. I have been continually going to school since 2007 while working at least two part time jobs or one full time job. I have paid my own way through school. I have struggled mightily to get this far. Despite being a star student before, the continued financial stress, depression, tension at home, loss of my independence, and struggles to keep up at school have taken their toll. This past December I had hoped to graduate, but was unable to and it really brought me low. I felt like an utter failure. Then in February my father gave me the ultimatum that I had to find a ‘real’ full time job or he would kick me out of the house. (Bear in mind I was working two part time jobs at the time, they just were at non-profits and were thus not ‘real’ work). I found a job as a legal secretary and have been there almost six months now and have thus far been allowed to continue to live at home. I dislike the job quite a bit, but realize that jobs are scarce and I’m not about to turn down good insurance and a paycheck if there isn’t another opportunity in the crosshairs. I continue to work part times on the weekends at a domestic violence shelter where I have been a counselor for the last few years. I’m trying to finish the work (Three classes, two of which I started but dropped earlier in my career. I am hoping that if I makeup the work that the professors will give me credit. That’s all that stands in my way.) so I can get my degree by December. If not I will continue forward until I have that damn degree. I refuse to give up.
I have always been responsible, well rounded and intelligent. My brain is always buzzing with questions and ideas. I have very high standards for my performance and am often, admittedly, too-hard on myself when I don’t measure up. I had planned to be well out of school by now and possibly in law school. I took the LSAT basically cold and scored decently, but there is no way I could afford law school and my continued burnout suggests it would not be a wise decision. I have begun to learn to code via CodeAcademy when I have a few spare hours on the weekend. I also practice my Spanish on my commute home (about an hour each way) some days when I feel like it. I started an online savings account approximately four months ago and have save a little over $3000 in hopes that I could move out become financially independent at some point. I’m a very motivated, very driven person. I just want to know there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. It just seems that I’ll end up stuck in a low paying job like my parents and end up miserable and bitter like my father. I don’t want that, I’ve worked my whole life to do everything to prevent that. I continue to try and plan and save and work but it becomes harder and harder to not be bitter, lonely and depressed. I have set up a Dr.’s appointment for later this month so I can get back on anti-depressants, but I feel like that just masks the reality of what I’m facing. I have no one to talk to about these things. I am an introvert by nature, and even my best friends lack the capability to understand or help. When I tried to explain how I feel angry and jealous of those who have not had to pay for school or have better jobs etc. and how I feel guilty for feeling that way I received confusion, judgment and a shrug from one of my best friends. The added component of my home life further complicates things, and despite the fact that I am fairly articulate when discussing my own emotions I have yet to find an outlet. So I journal, I keep working, I buckle down, I save my money and I keep moving forward.
In sum, I’m like that little turtle trying to cross the highway. I end up on my back with my legs flailing in the air, inevitably fated to end up squashed flat… but I keep on trying to flip back over. I’m on a suicidal mission for happiness.
This is a purge post. In other words I need to get this off my chest somewhere and feel like maybe somewhere someone relates, empathizes or otherwise gives a care. If you intend to flame me, don’t bother reading this. However, if you have found yourself in a similar situation and can offer some sage advice I welcome it. What I don’t want to hear are comments like ‘just leave’ ‘go get counseling’ ‘quit your job’ as that ignores the financial constraints of my quandary. So here are my special snowflake details/purge:
I have come to the haunting realization that I will be stuck like my parents in a continuing cycle of low-wage earning jobs despite the fact that I have positively worked my ass off trying to better myself, make smart decisions and be responsible.
My father is a truck driver (not over the road, delivery for beverage company) and my mother works as a secretary at a school. They both have high school educations. I would describe us as a working class or blue collar family. Our household income is approximately $55,000-$57,000, but my parents do own their home. My sister is 19 and attending local community college and currently lives at home. I am 24 and moved back home two years ago after living and working on campus in order to save money to pay for school. There is significant tension in our home life and my father is mentally abusive and can be physically abusive. I have struggled with clinical depression most of my life and have recently noticed an increase in my social anxiety as well. I have been on a low dose antidepressant since I was a sophomore in H.S. I have been off my medication for the last 4-6 months because I have been waiting for an insurance carrier switch at my current place of employment.
I hope (pray, beseech, etc.) that I will have my bachelor’s degree this December. I have been continually going to school since 2007 while working at least two part time jobs or one full time job. I have paid my own way through school. I have struggled mightily to get this far. Despite being a star student before, the continued financial stress, depression, tension at home, loss of my independence, and struggles to keep up at school have taken their toll. This past December I had hoped to graduate, but was unable to and it really brought me low. I felt like an utter failure. Then in February my father gave me the ultimatum that I had to find a ‘real’ full time job or he would kick me out of the house. (Bear in mind I was working two part time jobs at the time, they just were at non-profits and were thus not ‘real’ work). I found a job as a legal secretary and have been there almost six months now and have thus far been allowed to continue to live at home. I dislike the job quite a bit, but realize that jobs are scarce and I’m not about to turn down good insurance and a paycheck if there isn’t another opportunity in the crosshairs. I continue to work part times on the weekends at a domestic violence shelter where I have been a counselor for the last few years. I’m trying to finish the work (Three classes, two of which I started but dropped earlier in my career. I am hoping that if I makeup the work that the professors will give me credit. That’s all that stands in my way.) so I can get my degree by December. If not I will continue forward until I have that damn degree. I refuse to give up.
I have always been responsible, well rounded and intelligent. My brain is always buzzing with questions and ideas. I have very high standards for my performance and am often, admittedly, too-hard on myself when I don’t measure up. I had planned to be well out of school by now and possibly in law school. I took the LSAT basically cold and scored decently, but there is no way I could afford law school and my continued burnout suggests it would not be a wise decision. I have begun to learn to code via CodeAcademy when I have a few spare hours on the weekend. I also practice my Spanish on my commute home (about an hour each way) some days when I feel like it. I started an online savings account approximately four months ago and have save a little over $3000 in hopes that I could move out become financially independent at some point. I’m a very motivated, very driven person. I just want to know there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. It just seems that I’ll end up stuck in a low paying job like my parents and end up miserable and bitter like my father. I don’t want that, I’ve worked my whole life to do everything to prevent that. I continue to try and plan and save and work but it becomes harder and harder to not be bitter, lonely and depressed. I have set up a Dr.’s appointment for later this month so I can get back on anti-depressants, but I feel like that just masks the reality of what I’m facing. I have no one to talk to about these things. I am an introvert by nature, and even my best friends lack the capability to understand or help. When I tried to explain how I feel angry and jealous of those who have not had to pay for school or have better jobs etc. and how I feel guilty for feeling that way I received confusion, judgment and a shrug from one of my best friends. The added component of my home life further complicates things, and despite the fact that I am fairly articulate when discussing my own emotions I have yet to find an outlet. So I journal, I keep working, I buckle down, I save my money and I keep moving forward.
In sum, I’m like that little turtle trying to cross the highway. I end up on my back with my legs flailing in the air, inevitably fated to end up squashed flat… but I keep on trying to flip back over. I’m on a suicidal mission for happiness.
This post was deleted for the following reason: Heya, I feel you on the need to vent/purge but that's not really something Ask Metafilter's meant for. If you want to talk about possibly reworking this as more of a concrete question, please reach us at the contact form. -- cortex
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Look at what you have accomplished so far! There IS light at the end of your tunnel!
You go, Driven, YOU GO!
posted by michellenoel at 2:09 PM on October 9, 2013 [1 favorite]