I don't want a kiss from a child who doesn't want to give it.

September 5, 2013 7:19 AM

My 3yo niece (through my husband's side) loves me, but is always shy at first when I see her. Her parents tend to push her at me saying "Give Aunt C a kiss!". She doesn't want to. That is fine. I believe that her body is her own, no matter how young she is, and I really, really don't want her to feel forced to have physical contact with me when she clearly isn't interested. I usually say something obvious like "oh, she doesn't have to, it's fine", but her parents don't seem to hear me and still hold her there, at my head level, while niece and I look like we are being repelled like magnets from each other. Can you help me come up with a script that will get it across that really, it's okay, with maybe a little bit about why I don't feel comfortable forcing her? I think it would be cool if they could reflect on the message they are sending her - this never happened/happens with her older brother, who is equally shy at first.

I found this previously - Hey, I don't really want to hug her, either., which is sort of the flip-side of the coin, but not exactly what I'm looking for.

posted by coupdefoudre to Human Relations (29 answers total)

Maybe you could offer a high five instead? My daughter (almost 2) is usually more than willing to give a high five to even strangers... it may take the pressure off and cause her parents to back off a bit.
posted by barnoley at 7:29 AM on September 5, 2013 [20 favorites]

This worked for me with my cousin's kid, but of course, YMMV.

Cousin: GIVE AUNTIE A KISS

Kid (being bashful)

Me: "Meh. How about a high five? Waaaay cooler than kisses. Want to check out (insert: dessert table, pet, toy, cool shiny thing in living room) with me?"
posted by floweredfish at 7:30 AM on September 5, 2013 [9 favorites]

I've been known to stick my hand out and shake at moments like these. It acknowledges and greets the child while not invading her space. Many adults think it's charming to treat kids like little adults (when, in fact, I usually think they should be treated like adults, including regarding decisions about bodily autonomy.)
posted by workerant at 7:32 AM on September 5, 2013 [9 favorites]

Offer to blow kisses. That's what we do when my kids don't want to give people kisses.

Or a high five, that also works.
posted by sutel at 7:33 AM on September 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

Yeah, I was going to suggest blowing her a kiss instead. It can be "your thing" between you two.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 7:33 AM on September 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

Well, I don't know if this is the perfect answer, but I once used - through smiling teeth, but rearing back - "I don't violate children's consent!" and it didn't happen anymore. I don't know how much they liked me after that, though.

And yeah, I offered a high five instead. I offer to high-five all children, it seems to be a fairly universal greeting.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:33 AM on September 5, 2013 [11 favorites]

I'd offer to shake the kid's hand instead.
posted by steinwald at 7:34 AM on September 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Yeah, my brother does this with me and my 2 year old nephew and I just tend to ignore it when he's telling him to kiss me. What I do instead, when he's hovering his head towards mine, is step back, give a big smile and then blow a kiss and wave. Sometimes I'll do the Megaforce thumb kiss to make him giggle, and if he's receptive I'll place it on his cheek and make a kissy noise.

If my brother is whining about it, I'll say variations of, "dude your kids always are germy, anyway," (they are, they are always giving Aunty D a cold, hah) or "leave the poor kid alone, he's too young for torture."

I assume he'll become affectionate if/when he wants. If not, that's okay too. It bothers me too that his kid is told to go kiss people all the time against his will.

And yeah, I high five my older (6) nephew, but he likes hugs and stuff, so it's not a big deal with him so much.
posted by Dimes at 7:39 AM on September 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

If you have a good relationship with one of the parents, talk to them some night after the kids are abed and say what you told us. Maybe settle on a compromise of one "Give Aunt C a kiss!", wait a few seconds, and then you can say "How about a high five?" if the kid doesn't seem to want to do it.
posted by Etrigan at 7:40 AM on September 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Fist bump!

I started this when my nephew was a toddler (before he was able to start shaking hands or even blowing kisses).

18 years later as he starts college, still fist-bumps his aunt!
posted by Chorus at 7:41 AM on September 5, 2013 [14 favorites]

Tell the kid directly: It's OK. You don't have to kiss me if you don't want to.
posted by brujita at 7:45 AM on September 5, 2013 [20 favorites]

I always take brujita's route. I look the child in the eyes and say "It's ok--you don't have to give me a kiss if you'd rather not." Then smile and move back a little, adding something like "I'm very happy to see you!"
posted by crush-onastick at 7:54 AM on September 5, 2013 [3 favorites]

All of the suggestions for deflecting with the child above are great, but I think it's also really important to do something like with Etrigan is suggesting above. Talk to the parents in a quiet, calm moment away from the greeting and say something like "You know I love [neice], but I'm just worried that if we make a big deal of her kissing me when we meet, we're accidentially telling her that she doesn't get to decide what she does with her body. I'm really worried that she might get the message that it's not ok to tell adults to stop doing something that makes her uncomfortable. Would it be ok with you if we did _________ instead?"

Keep it nonjudgmental, outline why it's worrying, but keep the focus on you rather than on something you think they're doing wrong. You're being a wonderful auntie.
posted by goggie at 8:10 AM on September 5, 2013 [11 favorites]

My father taught my niece the fist bump and she loves it.
posted by Pax at 8:12 AM on September 5, 2013

When I'm meeting up with young relatives and the parents are all "oh, give Auntie RMD a kiss!" and the kid's reluctant, I usually say to the kid (so the parents can hear it) "you don't have to kiss anyone if you don't want to. .. can I have a high five? how about a handshake?" Because I can understand the idea of treating kids to politely greet people according to custom, but also there's the whole thing of bodily autonomy. So I back the kid on that but also offer some alternate standard greeting ritual.
posted by rmd1023 at 8:22 AM on September 5, 2013 [5 favorites]

Response by poster: Thanks for all the answers! Unfortunately, she really doesn't want ANY physical contact - she is generally alternating between smiling at me and hiding her face away in her daddy's armpit, and previous attempts at handshakes (yup, I'm also one of those "treat little kids like tiny adults" people!), high-fives, or fist bumps have gone nowhere. I could try air kisses... but I just feel like "why?", sort of. This awkward moment is in the context of a greeting, always (by goodbye time she has warmed up and always wants to hug me), and I just don't know why we have to make such a big deal about her doing some sort of action towards me to say hello. She generally says a quiet "hi" before she tucks herself away!

I think I may just default to saying to her "you don't have to kiss me if you don't want to". I'm not sure yet about bringing it up with BIL and SIL because we are friendly, but not close, and I'm not sure they wouldn't take me saying something as a criticism of how they force her to greet everyone (not just me).
posted by coupdefoudre at 8:26 AM on September 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

I think it is worth trying to talk to BIL and SIL when the kid isn't around. I wouldn't focus on how they make her do that with everyone, more on how it makes YOU feel. Like "hey, you know I love seeing NIECE, and she always warms up to me, but I don't want her to feel like she has to hug me before she's ready. I'd like to try another approach to help he warm up more quickly - by just talking to her and letting her warm up as she always does."

I think a lot about this, because my family is a very physical family. Our daughter, who is four, is currently going through a "give me my space" phase, and I started reacting by making her hug and kiss some people, like my parents, anyway (I would never make her do that with a stranger, or even family that she sees less often, but she sees my parents every single day). They have started saying "can I have a hug?" and if she says "no" they let it go and she ends up hugging them eventually anyway. But I absolutely make her say hello and be polite when they are speaking to her. It took me a while to get there, though, because I'm so used to the physicality, so they may really just not be thinking about it that way, instead thinking that not hugging/kissing you is being disrespectful. Which is to say they might come around.
posted by dpx.mfx at 8:34 AM on September 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

I wouldn't say "oh she doesn't have to". I'd try to interact with the kid directly: "you don't need to, gimme a hand instead" or something, then take the awkwardness away by asking her what she's been up to lately or something. Your niece will be eternally grateful to you for being the one who never talked about her in third person while she was present.
posted by Namlit at 8:37 AM on September 5, 2013

Okay, previewing your latest, just don't shake any hands and talk to her instead.
If you're up to it, read up on shyness and how it is a condition that can't be bullied away by misguided education and take her parents aside for a "she really doesn't need to do this for me and I'd rather wish you didn't force her when I'm present"-talk.
posted by Namlit at 8:39 AM on September 5, 2013

You could turn it into a little game -- when she's prompted to kiss you, you can refuse: "No, no, no! No kisses! I'm afraid that if anyone kisses me I'll turn into a giraffe." (Or insert some other absurdity.) The next time you see her, refuse a kiss again, and substitute a different absurdity. It'll take the weight off of her, and give her a way to laugh and relate to you without the pressure, and look forward to greeting you when you get together.
posted by BlahLaLa at 8:53 AM on September 5, 2013 [14 favorites]

I used to hate hate HATE it when, as a child, my family forced me to hug/kiss relatives I did not want to hug or kiss. Of course this happened most often at family gatherings. I'm not a very physical person and I never have been; my parents (I think) understood that and after a while stopped trying to force it, but the rest of my family would often take it as a kind of insult that I never meant it to be. Some relatives were understanding and said it was OK (which got them points in my book), others weren't, but my family tended to force it just the same -- so, peer pressure, even if the relative thought it was OK not to get a kiss and if I didn't want to.

As I got older, it seemed that shaking hands of male relatives was OK, whereas hugging/kissing female relatives was still expected. Observing younger children in the family -- this transition seemed to happen for male children only, and not until they were about 8 or 9 years old. I'm not sure how THAT gender norm developed, but I just accepted it and didn't really say anything.

If it were me, I would make it clear that it's OK not to kiss you, and to offer a handshake or high five instead. If my family is any indication, you'll probably have to talk to them and say that you don't feel comfortable forcing her because of [your reasons]. I hope it works out.
posted by tckma at 9:04 AM on September 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

This isn't a problem you need to solve with the kid, it's a problem you need to solve with the kid's parents.

Next time this happens, make eye contact with BIL or SIL, whichever is pushing the kid into your face, and say "Don't force it." When they "don't seem to hear you" you say it again until they acknowledge you. "Seriously, [name of parent.] Don't force it."
posted by ook at 9:22 AM on September 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Or, you could say 'no thank you'. I mean, would they make you kiss her if you didn't want to? And for non-touching greetings, how about bowing, curtseying, namaste.
posted by plonkee at 10:15 AM on September 5, 2013

but her parents don't seem to hear me and still hold her there, at my head level...

Just breeze by when you give your "Oh, she doesn't have to" comment - the parent's arms will get tired eventually.
posted by mikepop at 10:25 AM on September 5, 2013

"How about a wave instead? We can kiss goodbye if you want later on!"

I have a shy nieceling and for a while she would be okay with waving or winking or cheers-ing with an imaginary glass after I taught her how to do it with a soda glass. She thought she was the essence of adult class and fanciness and it became our thing. Now she's graduated to hugs.
posted by *s at 11:34 AM on September 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

I was molested and raped as a kid and I have written about why I had a strict policy with my kids that all affection had to be mutually consenting. You could send the link and delicately note they only do this to their daughter, not their son. They might be able to infer for themselves that, in my opinion, they are training her to become someone's sexual victim at some point in her life.

(It probably would be best for you to not say that quite so bluntly. If they do put it in to words, assure them you are confident they learned this stupid crap from the broader culture themselves and would never do anything to harm her. People get defensive and dig their heels in when they feel accused. Behaviors are more likely to change when you let them save face. It helps if you can say such things with complete sincerity because you really mean it. Blatant lies often backfire.)
posted by Michele in California at 1:08 PM on September 5, 2013 [5 favorites]

Hello Niece, perhaps later when you've had a chance to remember me, you'd like to give me a handshake/ high five/ hug.
posted by theora55 at 1:20 PM on September 5, 2013

I don't think it's terrible to force kids (eventually) to give people handshakes or fist bumps. That seems like basic socialization to me. But if I were the parent, I'd prep the kid beforehand.

I wish my parents had done more role playing with me, and expectation management ("When it's time for Auntie to leave, you should shake hands with her and tell her goodbye. That's all you have to do. If you WANT to give her a hug or a kiss you can do that instead. Do you want me to remind you when it's the right time?")

We were supposed to just pick it up and it took me... decades probably.

As an example, I heard some friends telling their child, "now when daddy's friend Bob arrives, he's going to knock on the door. You should go to the door and say "Hello Bob. Please come in." and then you say "Won't you sit down? Daddy will be here in a minute." And then Bob will come in and sit down and if Daddy comes in, you should sit down, too, and if Daddy isn't there, you should tell Bob, "I'll go tell Daddy you're here," and then you go get Daddy."

And they acted it out a couple times.

They also did small conversations "Hi! How are you?" "I'm fine. How are you?"

It was brilliant. I was always terrified when I thought I had to socialize with strangers. I had no idea how to begin.
posted by small_ruminant at 2:39 PM on September 5, 2013 [11 favorites]

I've had it happen a few times with close friends' children (for hugs) and nieces and nephews (hugs or kisses). I always put my hands up at waist level in the "backing off" motion and take a step or two back and say to the parent, "It's ok, I don't want her to do anything she isn't comfortable doing". I then say to the child, "I'm happy to see you! When you're ready, would you like to (go pet the cat, see the new blocks we have, see the flowers out back)?" I had to have The Talk with my brother, and once I explained why I thought body autonomy was important even at the age of 2, he was ok. You could try saying, "I feel uncomfortable forcing a kiss or a hug. Could we let her decide what she's ready to do?"

Good luck. This can be tough depending on family dynamics.
posted by RogueTech at 11:48 AM on September 6, 2013 [1 favorite]