When do you know a marriage therapist isn't right for you?
June 25, 2013 2:18 PM Subscribe
What are reliable questions that a person in marriage therapy can ask to determine that they are probably not with the right marriage therapist and should try someone else? Put another way, how can a person in marriage therapy know that the match with the therapist is a bad fit, as opposed to the problem being with the patient himself/herself?
It seems like finding an effective therapist is like finding a good friend. All therapists are different, and it takes time to figure out if the relationship is going to produce the desired change. So there's kind of a lot of noise in the process it feels like where you maybe end up with the "wrong" therapist.
But, at the same time, therapy sucks -- particularly marriage therapy where old wounds are opened up in awkward ways and you feel like you're letting someone into the most difficult stuff against you.
And it seems like this feeling that something is "wrong" with the therapy relationship and/or the therapist is very difficult to interpret. Is it that I'm in the wrong therapy relationship? Or is it that I'm in the right one and this is exactly what needs to be happening?
If you already have a considerable amount of anxiety around your instincts as it is -- because after all, things probably aren't going so well if you're wanting to be in marital therapy in the first place -- then that feeling that something isn't right with this therapist and maybe even recurring strains of thoughts where you second guess the therapist's choices (or maybe lack thereof) are things which both won't go away, but which you have the dissatisfaction of feeling like maybe you're the problem and not the therapist.
I feel like there must be some way to at least improve one's beliefs as to which of these two states of the world you're in, but what is it? If I am the problem, and this is the right relationship, then I want to stay with this therapist. But if it's not the right therapist, then I want to leave and find someone else.
But, I don't want to leave if it's the right therapist and this is just what it looks like to have productive therapy because even if I'm not benefiting from it, the fact is, it strikes me as a non-trivial success in and of itself that the couple are actually going habitually, weekly, to therapy together. Right? Isn't there *something* to be said for just the commitment to the process, and maybe if I just wait, the process will work itself out.
And yet, I really need someone's advice on this because I feel like generally speaking, yes it is possible that what is going on is that this is actually what it looks like and so forth, and maybe some stuff at the margin could be different but it's not a big deal. Yes that is possible. But everything inside me is skeptical that that is the situation. Yet, everything inside me also keeps saying that maybe I am so defensive and small inside that I would be negatively interpreting the experience no matter who it was.
I just can't seem to shake the feeling, though, if it is that I'm with the right marriage therapist is the only thing, and I feel like I need something logical or evidence-based that I can look to, and not my feelings, to help me ascertain whether I've made the right choice. We've been seeing someone for several months, and I'd rather not share details. I just simultaneously feel very hurt/disappointed/hopeless about the process and yet feel very self-judging and self-loathing at the same time. And honestly, I just don't know up from down on it either. I'm making myself go, and it was my idea that we go, because I feel like we are on the edge of divorce and neither of us can figure out how to pull back. Does my dilemma make any sense at all? Hopefully someone can speak into it. Sorry this is so long, but if I edit this down, I will just delete it entirely as it's too embarrassing in the first place.
It seems like finding an effective therapist is like finding a good friend. All therapists are different, and it takes time to figure out if the relationship is going to produce the desired change. So there's kind of a lot of noise in the process it feels like where you maybe end up with the "wrong" therapist.
But, at the same time, therapy sucks -- particularly marriage therapy where old wounds are opened up in awkward ways and you feel like you're letting someone into the most difficult stuff against you.
And it seems like this feeling that something is "wrong" with the therapy relationship and/or the therapist is very difficult to interpret. Is it that I'm in the wrong therapy relationship? Or is it that I'm in the right one and this is exactly what needs to be happening?
If you already have a considerable amount of anxiety around your instincts as it is -- because after all, things probably aren't going so well if you're wanting to be in marital therapy in the first place -- then that feeling that something isn't right with this therapist and maybe even recurring strains of thoughts where you second guess the therapist's choices (or maybe lack thereof) are things which both won't go away, but which you have the dissatisfaction of feeling like maybe you're the problem and not the therapist.
I feel like there must be some way to at least improve one's beliefs as to which of these two states of the world you're in, but what is it? If I am the problem, and this is the right relationship, then I want to stay with this therapist. But if it's not the right therapist, then I want to leave and find someone else.
But, I don't want to leave if it's the right therapist and this is just what it looks like to have productive therapy because even if I'm not benefiting from it, the fact is, it strikes me as a non-trivial success in and of itself that the couple are actually going habitually, weekly, to therapy together. Right? Isn't there *something* to be said for just the commitment to the process, and maybe if I just wait, the process will work itself out.
And yet, I really need someone's advice on this because I feel like generally speaking, yes it is possible that what is going on is that this is actually what it looks like and so forth, and maybe some stuff at the margin could be different but it's not a big deal. Yes that is possible. But everything inside me is skeptical that that is the situation. Yet, everything inside me also keeps saying that maybe I am so defensive and small inside that I would be negatively interpreting the experience no matter who it was.
I just can't seem to shake the feeling, though, if it is that I'm with the right marriage therapist is the only thing, and I feel like I need something logical or evidence-based that I can look to, and not my feelings, to help me ascertain whether I've made the right choice. We've been seeing someone for several months, and I'd rather not share details. I just simultaneously feel very hurt/disappointed/hopeless about the process and yet feel very self-judging and self-loathing at the same time. And honestly, I just don't know up from down on it either. I'm making myself go, and it was my idea that we go, because I feel like we are on the edge of divorce and neither of us can figure out how to pull back. Does my dilemma make any sense at all? Hopefully someone can speak into it. Sorry this is so long, but if I edit this down, I will just delete it entirely as it's too embarrassing in the first place.
If you are both in therapy together and you are both working in good faith together, it would seem that if one of you has reservations about the therapist, both parties would want to look for a therapist that puts you both at ease and helps you both work through this together. Honestly look at this as a potential bonding experience.
posted by Nanukthedog at 2:43 PM on June 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Nanukthedog at 2:43 PM on June 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
For me, I have to have a point of comparison. So I'd start out by seeing several people, finding someone you both like, and move forward with them.
posted by salvia at 2:58 PM on June 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by salvia at 2:58 PM on June 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
Therapy is about an alliance between the therapist and client(s) that hopefully promotes growth for all concerned, even the therapist themselves (the good ones). So for an alliance to work you need to feel you're all working in the right direction. If you feel in any way judged by the therapist, or not heard, you should raise it with them. It's ok to check that you and your husband are getting what you need, and if not its fine to find someone else. If you're really feeling something isn't right, don't be afraid to trust yourself.
However, another possibility is that your therapeutic relationship is playing out some of the dynamics of your marriage. Just as an idea, and I could be totally wrong, but try and re-read your question substituting "therapist" with "marriage partner" and "therapy relationship" with "marriage". (It won't work in every instance!) Does that resonate at all? Are the feelings of being small/unheard/disappointed/unsure how you're feeing about your relationship? If so then you can use your feelings about your therapist as a kind of key to what's really going on for you. If you can talk to your partner about this and he can try to do the same, it might help to make the sessions deeper.
Good luck.
posted by billiebee at 2:59 PM on June 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
However, another possibility is that your therapeutic relationship is playing out some of the dynamics of your marriage. Just as an idea, and I could be totally wrong, but try and re-read your question substituting "therapist" with "marriage partner" and "therapy relationship" with "marriage". (It won't work in every instance!) Does that resonate at all? Are the feelings of being small/unheard/disappointed/unsure how you're feeing about your relationship? If so then you can use your feelings about your therapist as a kind of key to what's really going on for you. If you can talk to your partner about this and he can try to do the same, it might help to make the sessions deeper.
Good luck.
posted by billiebee at 2:59 PM on June 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
My ex-husband and I tried two therapists together. The first was his therapist (which, come on, was a HORRIBLE idea, and it's kind of awful that she even offered to do it), and I spent a couple of hours after each session crying and I was basically unproductive for the rest of the day. He was totally unsympathetic and believed that I was being melodramatic. I still think that was one of the most awful periods of my life. I felt completely ganged up on and like the whole point of the sessions was for her to make justifications for behaviors that he admitted were really reprehensible. She had been his individual therapist for over a decade, and she really thought he was a baby birdie with broken wings who needed to be treated with kid gloves. I have no idea what she thought of me, but it sure wasn't baby birdie with broken wings. I committed to seeing her for six sessions, and after the sixth one, I flat out refused to go back.
Later, we tried someone who was referred by my therapist. Neither of us ever left one of those sessions feeling like they had been singled out for harsh treatment. Both of us felt like we got called on our behaviors but never blamed for something we didn't do or something that was in the other person's head. Our marriage still broke up (and that was the correct end to the bullshit) but interestingly, both of us referred individuals and couples to her for years afterwards.
I think you know when it's horrible. And, assuming good faith, I think your partner will be willing to find someone who makes you both feel heard and respected.
posted by janey47 at 3:09 PM on June 25, 2013 [5 favorites]
Later, we tried someone who was referred by my therapist. Neither of us ever left one of those sessions feeling like they had been singled out for harsh treatment. Both of us felt like we got called on our behaviors but never blamed for something we didn't do or something that was in the other person's head. Our marriage still broke up (and that was the correct end to the bullshit) but interestingly, both of us referred individuals and couples to her for years afterwards.
I think you know when it's horrible. And, assuming good faith, I think your partner will be willing to find someone who makes you both feel heard and respected.
posted by janey47 at 3:09 PM on June 25, 2013 [5 favorites]
You're presenting this dilemma from one step removed, saying "you" and "one" as though it's a hypothetical situation you're presenting, or a universal experience you're referring to. But without specifics it's impossible to know whether you're putting a good-faith effort into therapy and it's uncomfortable due to the nature of the work involved, or it's really a poor fit for you personally or your marriage.
Since you're self-judging and can't tell up from down, do you have your own individual therapist as well? That can be helpful.
posted by headnsouth at 3:15 PM on June 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
Since you're self-judging and can't tell up from down, do you have your own individual therapist as well? That can be helpful.
posted by headnsouth at 3:15 PM on June 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: "You're presenting this dilemma from one step removed, saying "you" and "one" as though it's a hypothetical situation you're presenting, or a universal experience you're referring to. But without specifics it's impossible to know whether you're putting a good-faith effort into therapy and it's uncomfortable due to the nature of the work involved, or it's really a poor fit for you personally or your marriage."
I recognize that. I can only say that to the best of my knowledge, I am putting forth a good faith effort. But what would it look like if it wasn't doing that? And what would it look like if I was? I would rather have the rule than simply assurances from other people, in other words. And honestly, I don't even know how to easily convey the details -- I'm not sure which details are the important ones and which aren't. But in the moment, I am able to focus and sort through the flurry of emotions and ground myself better. It seems like there should be some way for a person in therapy, who is hurting while they are in therapy, to hold themselves together long enough (or use something to hold themselves together I guess) so that reasoned judgements about whether something is a good or bad fit can at least be attempted. I feel almost overwhelmingly skeptical about my own interpretations is where I'm going. Say I am very much in a place where I am the main problem in my own marriage, for instance. Then isn't it highly likely I would even try to sabotage the therapy on an unconscious level? Or maybe not even an unconscious level. Maybe I am the problem, and because I'm the problem, I also cannot interpret this either. My wife and I are a "high conflict couple" with very poor communication and almost no ability to resolve conflict. So there's just a lot of disorientation for me around interpretation.
Maybe this is naive, but I sometimes am thinking that I'm asking someone to give me a simple set of questions or a simple list of observations that I could make or do when I get very anxious around the problems to just figure out myself if maybe I'm really the problem, and not person A or person B.
I know I'm being very vague. I can't quite find the words sometimes to articulate it, though. I want to know what it looks like for therapy to be productive for me -- not others, but us. And I know that's a counterfactual question, specific to the person, but I thought maybe there was a simple kind of cognitive behavioral therapeutic way of thinking about this internal skepticism that could help me know "yes, I know it doesn't feel right, but I think you have every reason to stay the course." What makes it hard is that when things get very difficult for me between my wife and me, I find this question regarding the therapy (which we've talked about before) just start puling at me. And I want to do something about it. I want to be able to say to it "I have thought about this before, and I think the best evidence I have is that it's premature to discontinue this", or I want to be curious and explore it more. Writing on here is kind of my way of doing that, though, because I feel like I am self-conscious that of a stereotype that goes like this: the spouse who is the problem in marriage will typically blame the therapist until he finds someone who does or says whatever he thinks. So when I tell someone about it, I feel this overwhelming feeling -- I mean, it's very difficult -- that they must think that I'm lying to them.
I also feel like I don't know the difference between feeling this upset which looks like I'm crazy and maybe I am just crazy or something. It is true that we have allowed our marital problems to take us to the very point of divorce, and that means if nothing else it's a high risk situation. And that's why I keep thinking to myself "I have to just stay with this therapist because the odds are low I'll find someone better." I just wish I also had some logical foundation for that thought, because maybe then I could just address this anxiety and insecurity better.
posted by scunning at 3:30 PM on June 25, 2013
I recognize that. I can only say that to the best of my knowledge, I am putting forth a good faith effort. But what would it look like if it wasn't doing that? And what would it look like if I was? I would rather have the rule than simply assurances from other people, in other words. And honestly, I don't even know how to easily convey the details -- I'm not sure which details are the important ones and which aren't. But in the moment, I am able to focus and sort through the flurry of emotions and ground myself better. It seems like there should be some way for a person in therapy, who is hurting while they are in therapy, to hold themselves together long enough (or use something to hold themselves together I guess) so that reasoned judgements about whether something is a good or bad fit can at least be attempted. I feel almost overwhelmingly skeptical about my own interpretations is where I'm going. Say I am very much in a place where I am the main problem in my own marriage, for instance. Then isn't it highly likely I would even try to sabotage the therapy on an unconscious level? Or maybe not even an unconscious level. Maybe I am the problem, and because I'm the problem, I also cannot interpret this either. My wife and I are a "high conflict couple" with very poor communication and almost no ability to resolve conflict. So there's just a lot of disorientation for me around interpretation.
Maybe this is naive, but I sometimes am thinking that I'm asking someone to give me a simple set of questions or a simple list of observations that I could make or do when I get very anxious around the problems to just figure out myself if maybe I'm really the problem, and not person A or person B.
I know I'm being very vague. I can't quite find the words sometimes to articulate it, though. I want to know what it looks like for therapy to be productive for me -- not others, but us. And I know that's a counterfactual question, specific to the person, but I thought maybe there was a simple kind of cognitive behavioral therapeutic way of thinking about this internal skepticism that could help me know "yes, I know it doesn't feel right, but I think you have every reason to stay the course." What makes it hard is that when things get very difficult for me between my wife and me, I find this question regarding the therapy (which we've talked about before) just start puling at me. And I want to do something about it. I want to be able to say to it "I have thought about this before, and I think the best evidence I have is that it's premature to discontinue this", or I want to be curious and explore it more. Writing on here is kind of my way of doing that, though, because I feel like I am self-conscious that of a stereotype that goes like this: the spouse who is the problem in marriage will typically blame the therapist until he finds someone who does or says whatever he thinks. So when I tell someone about it, I feel this overwhelming feeling -- I mean, it's very difficult -- that they must think that I'm lying to them.
I also feel like I don't know the difference between feeling this upset which looks like I'm crazy and maybe I am just crazy or something. It is true that we have allowed our marital problems to take us to the very point of divorce, and that means if nothing else it's a high risk situation. And that's why I keep thinking to myself "I have to just stay with this therapist because the odds are low I'll find someone better." I just wish I also had some logical foundation for that thought, because maybe then I could just address this anxiety and insecurity better.
posted by scunning at 3:30 PM on June 25, 2013
Response by poster: I feel ganged up on. Or maybe that's not the right word. More like a lack of sympathy, a lack of responsiveness to particular things, a need for a kind of structure I've at least tried to request but which has gone nowhere.
There are issues in my marriage that are there in this therapist relationship too. The feeling of being ignored or not heard and understood with sympathy. In fact, it's because I feel like I can see that happening that I'm like "okay, now this is probably just my stuff. That's all this is."
My spouse and I both have some mental health issues (ADD) that I have talked to the therapist about, and I've given the therapist materials from the ADD literature related to textbook marital problems between couples with ADD (like finances, communication, jumping-to-conclusion, and a near impossibility with creating structure). I figured - hey, the therapist is a psychologist. I don't want to be one of these patients who comes to the doctor having read all this stuff about his condition on the internet, and have tried to be patient. But the thing is, I do have ADD, and if I weren't trying to manage it myself, no one would be. And I've spent a lot of time trying to wrap my head around all the stuff that comes it as I only recently got diagnosed. So I figured if I share this stuff, then at least we'll talk about it, or that the therapist would be proactive in some way to ascertain where I am and what I'm feeling. But it *FEELS* (I cannot stress that enough) -- it feels like there's a passivity on the therapists part about the things I've brought up. And so I'm just torn because when I talk to my individual therapist about it, who is and ADD specialist, the recommendation is for a very structured kind of therapy session. Or maybe I should say a *particular* kind of structure, as I'm sure there is structure taking place.
Fact is, though, I'm pretty sure I could be dissected all day long and the problems with me are endless. I ruminate, I have a very hard time with the "feeling misunderstood", as well as with the fact that I've been trying to get my spouse and me to adopt a different way of communicating or whatever and it just has never gone anywhere. And there's a part of me that is fine with that - because we both have ADD, and that stuff sticks. But what I don't get is the therapist. Is this some kind of *thing* and I'm just supposed to eat these feelings and thoughts or what?
But probably the biggest, most oppressive feeling is that I feel like our therapist doesn't like me. Or that he's suspicious of me. I feel like this baby because I'm wanting to somehow figure out how to take the dynamics that occur outside of the therapist's office into the room so that someone can just objectively walk me through why this stuff happens and what I can do to if nothing else deal with my own inner pain. I figure I'm the only person I can directly change. But it just seems like we're not making progress.
Sorry, but this is what happens in my head. It's so yo-yo. I feel like if you read what I just wrote then there's a chance where you may say "Yeah, it sounds like it isn't the right fit". And it's not that I made any of that up -- I didn't. It's all true inner life feelings. But that doesn't mean that any of the things those feelings map onto are in fact happening. I don't know the therapist dislikes me, has some bias, or even that the therapist is passive really. Those aren't descriptions so much as they are interpretations. I'm just exhausted sometimes by the relentless return to those same interpretations, week after week, and I want to make a good choice. An informed choice that isn't impulsive, made out of fear and judgment of my therapist ,my spouse or me. Because I do feel very alone in the whole thing. And then I feel very embarassed that I have to admit that, because I'm a grown up. There's just so much weird shame and sorrow happening at the same time as I'm really unsure of whether this person is right for us, and it's really worn me out.
posted by scunning at 3:45 PM on June 25, 2013
There are issues in my marriage that are there in this therapist relationship too. The feeling of being ignored or not heard and understood with sympathy. In fact, it's because I feel like I can see that happening that I'm like "okay, now this is probably just my stuff. That's all this is."
My spouse and I both have some mental health issues (ADD) that I have talked to the therapist about, and I've given the therapist materials from the ADD literature related to textbook marital problems between couples with ADD (like finances, communication, jumping-to-conclusion, and a near impossibility with creating structure). I figured - hey, the therapist is a psychologist. I don't want to be one of these patients who comes to the doctor having read all this stuff about his condition on the internet, and have tried to be patient. But the thing is, I do have ADD, and if I weren't trying to manage it myself, no one would be. And I've spent a lot of time trying to wrap my head around all the stuff that comes it as I only recently got diagnosed. So I figured if I share this stuff, then at least we'll talk about it, or that the therapist would be proactive in some way to ascertain where I am and what I'm feeling. But it *FEELS* (I cannot stress that enough) -- it feels like there's a passivity on the therapists part about the things I've brought up. And so I'm just torn because when I talk to my individual therapist about it, who is and ADD specialist, the recommendation is for a very structured kind of therapy session. Or maybe I should say a *particular* kind of structure, as I'm sure there is structure taking place.
Fact is, though, I'm pretty sure I could be dissected all day long and the problems with me are endless. I ruminate, I have a very hard time with the "feeling misunderstood", as well as with the fact that I've been trying to get my spouse and me to adopt a different way of communicating or whatever and it just has never gone anywhere. And there's a part of me that is fine with that - because we both have ADD, and that stuff sticks. But what I don't get is the therapist. Is this some kind of *thing* and I'm just supposed to eat these feelings and thoughts or what?
But probably the biggest, most oppressive feeling is that I feel like our therapist doesn't like me. Or that he's suspicious of me. I feel like this baby because I'm wanting to somehow figure out how to take the dynamics that occur outside of the therapist's office into the room so that someone can just objectively walk me through why this stuff happens and what I can do to if nothing else deal with my own inner pain. I figure I'm the only person I can directly change. But it just seems like we're not making progress.
Sorry, but this is what happens in my head. It's so yo-yo. I feel like if you read what I just wrote then there's a chance where you may say "Yeah, it sounds like it isn't the right fit". And it's not that I made any of that up -- I didn't. It's all true inner life feelings. But that doesn't mean that any of the things those feelings map onto are in fact happening. I don't know the therapist dislikes me, has some bias, or even that the therapist is passive really. Those aren't descriptions so much as they are interpretations. I'm just exhausted sometimes by the relentless return to those same interpretations, week after week, and I want to make a good choice. An informed choice that isn't impulsive, made out of fear and judgment of my therapist ,my spouse or me. Because I do feel very alone in the whole thing. And then I feel very embarassed that I have to admit that, because I'm a grown up. There's just so much weird shame and sorrow happening at the same time as I'm really unsure of whether this person is right for us, and it's really worn me out.
posted by scunning at 3:45 PM on June 25, 2013
I think you owe it to yourself and your partner to raise these specific issues in therapy. They are not "your" issues, they are issues related to your relationship and to your therapy.
I completely understand the concept of second guessing yourself and doubting whether you are a reliable informant as to whether the therapy is helping or not, or whether your mind is playing tricks on you in order to get you to sabotage the therapy.
The best thing to do in this situation is to discuss the issues. Assuming that your therapist isn't a complete charlatan, which I hope is not the case, at the very least you will have a productive session in which you can define what you see as therapeutic benefits and you can talk with the therapist about when you should start to see those effects from having taken part in this therapy.
I might even print out your posts above and bring them with me to therapy, if I weren't sure I could put it into words off the cuff.
I really feel for you. I'm sending you & your partner lots of positive energy.
posted by janey47 at 4:07 PM on June 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
I completely understand the concept of second guessing yourself and doubting whether you are a reliable informant as to whether the therapy is helping or not, or whether your mind is playing tricks on you in order to get you to sabotage the therapy.
The best thing to do in this situation is to discuss the issues. Assuming that your therapist isn't a complete charlatan, which I hope is not the case, at the very least you will have a productive session in which you can define what you see as therapeutic benefits and you can talk with the therapist about when you should start to see those effects from having taken part in this therapy.
I might even print out your posts above and bring them with me to therapy, if I weren't sure I could put it into words off the cuff.
I really feel for you. I'm sending you & your partner lots of positive energy.
posted by janey47 at 4:07 PM on June 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you janey47. I think as you're now the third person to tell me to bring this stuff up, I have got to figure out how to do so. I already know that I have this problem with just vomiting information uncontrollably, and I also have difficulties with memory, and so oftentimes when the feelings leave me, so do the words. So sometimes I almost am not able in the sessions to say this stuff because in the session maybe on that day, things went well or something. But it's outside of the session where the frequency occurs. So it's like, outside the session, I say something here or to someone else, and then we talk about it, but then it's just random also so on the days of the session, who knows. Somehow I have got to condense these feelings and communicate it though. I am admittedly terrified of doing it for some reason. I don't really know what that's about either. I would probably go on here and request some mantra that I can say to myself than to just say it to this therapist.
posted by scunning at 4:16 PM on June 25, 2013
posted by scunning at 4:16 PM on June 25, 2013
Best answer: Make an outline.
First list all of the issues. Then, as a subheading, list a couple of examples of each and try to estimate frequency. Then as a sub-sub-heading, list your feelings when the issues arise that are illustrated by the examples.
That will organize your thoughts.
Then print out the outline and bring it with you to therapy. Say, "I have some issues I need to discuss, because I need to understand how this therapy is addressing those issues. I am concerned about raising the issues now because I'm worried it's a bad time. But I also know that the whole point of being in therapy is to raise difficult issues in a safe setting, so even though things seem like they're going fine between us right now, and therapy seems good right now, I still need to speak on these things. Not only 'even though' things are fine, but BECAUSE things are going fine, this seems like the best time to discuss them. I have made a list of the general issues, with some examples, because I wanted to organize my thoughts so that I don't bounce around and so that we can cover my concerns without leaving anything out."
Also, try the whole thing out in your individual therapy before you take it into conjoint counseling. You're still in individual therapy, right?
posted by janey47 at 4:31 PM on June 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
First list all of the issues. Then, as a subheading, list a couple of examples of each and try to estimate frequency. Then as a sub-sub-heading, list your feelings when the issues arise that are illustrated by the examples.
That will organize your thoughts.
Then print out the outline and bring it with you to therapy. Say, "I have some issues I need to discuss, because I need to understand how this therapy is addressing those issues. I am concerned about raising the issues now because I'm worried it's a bad time. But I also know that the whole point of being in therapy is to raise difficult issues in a safe setting, so even though things seem like they're going fine between us right now, and therapy seems good right now, I still need to speak on these things. Not only 'even though' things are fine, but BECAUSE things are going fine, this seems like the best time to discuss them. I have made a list of the general issues, with some examples, because I wanted to organize my thoughts so that I don't bounce around and so that we can cover my concerns without leaving anything out."
Also, try the whole thing out in your individual therapy before you take it into conjoint counseling. You're still in individual therapy, right?
posted by janey47 at 4:31 PM on June 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I'm still in individual therapy, yes.
I lke the idea of the outline, and started doing it here but am going to just save my outline and work on it. Thanks -- this is helpful.
posted by scunning at 4:55 PM on June 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
I lke the idea of the outline, and started doing it here but am going to just save my outline and work on it. Thanks -- this is helpful.
posted by scunning at 4:55 PM on June 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
I've not been to marital/couples counselling, but I've seen a few therapists as an individual. For me, whether I think the therapist is good/useful or not is a function of whether I am able to take away at least 2-3 "nuggets" to chew on after each session. You know, "things that make you go 'hhhmmmmmm'." If you aren't getting these nuggets (aka "food for thought"), or the nuggets are very few and far between, then I tend to think that it isn't a fit.
[And it most definitely seems like it isn't a fit if you are spending more of your time during the session thinking about what is wrong with the therapist than you are about how to improve your self and your relationship.]
posted by Halo in reverse at 2:32 AM on June 26, 2013 [1 favorite]
[And it most definitely seems like it isn't a fit if you are spending more of your time during the session thinking about what is wrong with the therapist than you are about how to improve your self and your relationship.]
posted by Halo in reverse at 2:32 AM on June 26, 2013 [1 favorite]
If I'm understanding correctly:
-- you feel you are not heard and understood enough in the couples therapy, and feel ganged up on;
-- there is not enough focus on clear, practical steps that you both can work on outside of therapy;
-- during therapy, there is not enough clarity/overview/framing/practical steps, so it is experienced by you as a lot of meandering that just drags up emotions with no clear path toward resolution
It sounds like there may not be a good match between what you need and the type of counseling the therapist is providing. If you and your partner are high conflict and have been arguing for years, I'm guessing you know what the problems are, but need concrete, practical steps for how to break the old patterns and make new ones. I would do a brief bulleted list like the one I've made above and take it to therapy and have the sole focus of the next meeting be where therapy is headed and how it's being conducted and how it's not working for you.
You sound overwhelmed and frustrated and my impression is that this goes beyond just the amount of upset one experiences going through therapy itself. You don't seem like you are actively trying to resist the process, and you have your own individual therapist to help you with your own stuff. So it sounds to me like the couples therapist is really not a good fit for you.
I feel for you. Therapy should be helping you at least some of the time, and giving you a sense there is a least some light at the end of the tunnel. Also, you might feel uncomfortable as you're being challenged to rethink some of your faulty thinking or being asked to commit to ending bad behaviors, but you shouldn't feel like you are always being ganged up on. To me that's a red flag. Because even if the therapist isn't actually ganging up on you, they should be astute enough to realize from your reactions that you've been feeling that way and modify how they're presenting things. It is supposed to bringing both parties to understanding.
Good luck. I hope bringing this up with the therapist, or finding a new one, brings you a little peace.
posted by ravioli at 9:45 AM on June 26, 2013
-- you feel you are not heard and understood enough in the couples therapy, and feel ganged up on;
-- there is not enough focus on clear, practical steps that you both can work on outside of therapy;
-- during therapy, there is not enough clarity/overview/framing/practical steps, so it is experienced by you as a lot of meandering that just drags up emotions with no clear path toward resolution
It sounds like there may not be a good match between what you need and the type of counseling the therapist is providing. If you and your partner are high conflict and have been arguing for years, I'm guessing you know what the problems are, but need concrete, practical steps for how to break the old patterns and make new ones. I would do a brief bulleted list like the one I've made above and take it to therapy and have the sole focus of the next meeting be where therapy is headed and how it's being conducted and how it's not working for you.
You sound overwhelmed and frustrated and my impression is that this goes beyond just the amount of upset one experiences going through therapy itself. You don't seem like you are actively trying to resist the process, and you have your own individual therapist to help you with your own stuff. So it sounds to me like the couples therapist is really not a good fit for you.
I feel for you. Therapy should be helping you at least some of the time, and giving you a sense there is a least some light at the end of the tunnel. Also, you might feel uncomfortable as you're being challenged to rethink some of your faulty thinking or being asked to commit to ending bad behaviors, but you shouldn't feel like you are always being ganged up on. To me that's a red flag. Because even if the therapist isn't actually ganging up on you, they should be astute enough to realize from your reactions that you've been feeling that way and modify how they're presenting things. It is supposed to bringing both parties to understanding.
Good luck. I hope bringing this up with the therapist, or finding a new one, brings you a little peace.
posted by ravioli at 9:45 AM on June 26, 2013
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Get with your SO and ask them about their experience. Sounds like a change of therapist might be in order. I hope your SO agrees.
Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 2:35 PM on June 25, 2013 [1 favorite]