A yeller who doesn't know his own strength?

June 14, 2013 1:47 PM

A head of a household has a voice that Cecil B. Demille would find too big. We have to keep asking him to lower his voice even when he's in a good mood. When he's pissed about something he can get it going like God in the Old Testament. I happen to come from a family where loud voices signaled the coming of broken bones, usually mine, so this voice is very unsettling. He knows this and for nearly thirty years he did his best to use it only when he really wants to hurt me. Today he used it to scare a small animal, our pet, and I let loose on him. I was pretty impressive but I'm still shaking nearly an hour later. Guess I feel like this is a tool I can bring out but I really don't like to.

I can disable his precious wifi when he scares us or stop cooking...but what I'd really like (MeFi's ethical approval) to do is stop speaking for awhile. He'll guilt me but it would give me a chance to gather internal resources.

For those who want to suggest counseling I had Jungian analysis on and off for twelve years before dreams said it was time to fly solo. He tried three counselors. One called me with warnings about his passive aggression, one fell asleep, and the other called him by three names, none of which were close to his own. He says he couldn't bear couple's counseling. I hope he'll try again but right now it seems impossible.

posted by R2WeTwo to Human Relations (6 answers total)

I take it this is your partner of over 30 years? Who knows you hate yelling but intentionally uses it to scare and hurt you? And your pet? And you solve this by being passive aggressive and taking away the wifi or not cooking or not speaking to him?

This sounds like a complete nightmare.

Therapy hasn't worked. Counseling is being refused.

At this point it is ok to consider splitting up. You have metafilter's permission.
posted by phunniemee at 1:52 PM on June 14, 2013 [8 favorites]

WHAT?

You are both wrong. Now stop this and act like adults.

If he won't go to couples counseling with you, then it's time for you to leave.

I don't know what this person's relationship is to you, and I have no idea if there are redeaming qualities there, but this sounds really fucked up to me.

You want to give him the silent treatment? That's absurd. You are a grown person, express yourself eloquently to this person. Then, he, being a grown person, can express himself eloquently to you.

If this person is hurting you, then you don't need to stay with this person. If this person is hurting your pet, you don't need to stay with this person.

Frankly, neither of you are acting as an adult should act, he's bullying and you're being passive aggressive and to what end? It doesn't sound like your methods have had any effect on him.

Just DTMFA, and take the animals with you.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:55 PM on June 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

Is his hearing poor? I find that people who are really loud can't hear very well.
posted by Ideefixe at 1:56 PM on June 14, 2013

Are you talking about your partner or husband? Because it really didn't sound like you were. I thought at first you were maybe describing an upstairs neighbour, or a distant relative that you have to deal with on holidays. And who is "us"? Are there small children he's yelling at? Or pets?

You're describing someone who occasionally "really wants to hurt you". Someone you lash out at with tools that leave you shaking and self congratulatory. You're disabling a grown man's wifi while sneeringly calling it his precious. This is not a healthy relationship.

I'd be shocked if MeFi gave you permission or even encouragement to passive aggressively sulk and give your partner the silent treatment in order to punish him. That's really not in the handbook of good partner communication.

I'm not sure what you mean by dreams telling you not to participate in therapy, hopefully you reconsider that.
posted by Dynex at 1:58 PM on June 14, 2013 [3 favorites]

I find that people who are really loud can't hear very well.

Or they just get used to using it to get their way because it's exhausting to try to reason over it.

Here's what I'd do, probably.

1) take a couple week's vacation from your house. Couch surf with friends. Go hiking or whatever.

2) Go to EMDR to get past some of the PTSD that makes his yelling so triggering. (I did, and it helped IMMENSELY. I still refuse to be around yellers, but I no longer start shutting down or shaking.)

3) Go back to some other kind of therapist or (for me- hey, it's free!) Al-anon for some support and other people to lean on so he's not the only egg in your support basket, if he is.
posted by small_ruminant at 2:00 PM on June 14, 2013 [2 favorites]

And yes- having some idea of what your relationship is will change what people answer.
posted by small_ruminant at 2:02 PM on June 14, 2013