How do you deal with being shunned having been accused of rape?
June 11, 2013 4:26 PM Subscribe
This is a long, involved story. I don't know how to make it short. The real question is probably how can I gain better emotional control of myself and stop caring what people think.
I thought I was completely over all of this but today I had a breakdown again for the first time in a couple months. It was triggered by having run into one of ex friends watching their eyes turn away from me as if they don't know who I am. It is a feeling I can't really describe in words.
The backstory is important.
A few months ago I was having completely consensual sex with my girlfriend. In the middle of the night, or maybe a few minutes after falling asleep - I actually have no idea - I initiated sex again. But I wasn't conscious. I've read dozens of articles, message board discussions, reddit conversations, it's apparently called sleepsomnia, or sleep sex. I have a vague and hazy memory of it, but only enough to know I realized "we" were having sex, got tired and passed out.
This probably wouldn't be an issue for most women, but her ex boyfriend before this had woken her up with sex while he was drunk one night, and six months later she decided to call it rape. At this time, there was an insane amount of conversation about rape in our community. A female friend of ours had caused a controversy by publishing a guy's full name and accusing him of having raped two women.
At this time, I was reading lots of feminist books about "being an ally" to women, and about rape, sexual assault, etc. I wanted to be a good person, and to do whatever the community needed me to do. I confronted the guy who was accused and made him cry, shamed the shit out of him, and made him feel probably how I feel now. It turns out really, most likely, he has never really raped anyone, or at least not by the common definition we use for rape. Neither of the two women defined the experience as rape, and that whole thing just turned out to be a shitstorm of unnecessary drama that seriously fucked with all of our heads in ways I think we all wish never happened. And no justice came of it I'm pretty sure - maybe not everyone would agree.
From this time learning about how to be an "ally," I learned that you never, ever tell a rape survivor that she's lying, or wrong, or over-reacting. I've studied some psychology and understand why this makes sense. If somebody is already feeling confused and ashamed, to make them more confused and ashamed is just wrong. Plus, rape culture is such that women are often blamed for having been in the wrong place, wearing the wrong clothes, etc. So in my mind then, and still now although less, if a woman considers anything to be "rape," it is Rape, period. if you're accused, you don't defend yourself. If someone is accused, you don't ask details. You just treat the accused person like shit, get them out of town, whatever you need to do to make the survivor feel safe.
So in the morning, after that night where one could call it rape, could call it sexsomnia, could call it a mistake, could call it whatever, I was confused. My eyes were full of tears and I asked her if I had... and she said she didn't know... and I had to leave for a week on a plane. She had been talking about possibly wanting to break up recently and during my week away I agreed to not contact her because she wanted to make up her mind about whether she wanted to break up or not. (To this day I have questioned whether something in my unconscious was angry at her for wanting to break up... all the therapists I've seen have thought this just seems like me trying to make myself seem evil or something, which apparently I try to do a lot.)
During this week I pretty much forgot about that night. I don't know how or why, I guess it was just such a split second thing I didn't think I should take responsibility for, that I didn't think it was worth dwelling on. Plus I wanted to enjoy my week away from home.
When I got back she seemed genuinely happy to see me, and said she hadn't made up her mind. It seemed like she wasn't impacted by that night at all...
She wasn't returning my calls or texts that week though, and I was getting really insecure. One night I went to her house and in the morning we had sex and on the way out of her house she stopped me to tell me something in a very cold, dark tone of voice that she felt like "a mouth." I was having mini panic attacks for the rest of the day feeling like all the usual things we had been doing sexually for six months somehow were turned against me and I didn't understand, but she wasn't returning my calls or texts that day. I was getting really freaked out and completely consumed by guilt.
I came to her house unannounced that night and sort of demanded to talk to her - not in an agro male way, actually in a really timid, pathetic sort of way. She had this eye rolling attitude like, fine, I'll tell you I want to break up. So we went down to the garage and she again, for the first time since I had known her, became cold and dark. Literally someone I had never met before.
She demanded that I not contact her at all, no email, no text, no phone, nothing. I tried taking this well... and for a few weeks somehow I was okay. I must have buried it.
I emailed her a few times anyway, freakout messages asking her if she was okay and if she considered that night to be rape. She was pretty nice at first, saying basically she wasn't sure what her perspective was and was trying to figure it out. I talked with a couple mutual female friends who I trusted about the issue and they said that if I raped her, I would definitely know.
But one day one of those mutual friends told her. She sent me a very angry email that night and I had a serious panic attack and didn't know who to call so I called the rape crisis center. They talked me down and convinced me that I did not rape her, that she was over reacting or something. I emailed her the details of that but her response was that she had put my email into an automatic filter that would delete my emails.
From there I was descending into a worse and worse depression but fighting it really hard with activist stuff I was doing at the time. Looking back I think it was obvious I was unstable to some others, maybe manic, but I thought I was doing fine. I was in total denial.
A few weeks later one of my housemates said that she was dropping out of school and moving back home. From a new email address I had started (coincidentally - I didn't start it just to contact her), I emailed her and asked if I could give her a hug goodbye, saying sorry if this is a boundary breaker to send this.
Her reply was what I imagined in that same cold, soulless tone as before. Yes, boundary breaker, I decided not to move away.
I did the worst imaginable thing and I still beat myself up almost every day for this, but I replied saying fuck you this, fuck you that, fuck you for ever having touched me, then ended by typing I hate you about 20 times. About 1/3 of me wanted her to read it so she would be as hurt as I was, another 1/3 thought she probably already spammed my new email, another 1/3 regretted having hit send.
No reply from her, I assumed it just went to her spam folder.
Then a week or so later, what happened to be Valentine's Day, she read my email at an open mic, a room full of people who I had been considered my best friends, people I was beginning to trust with my life, as family. She did not say it was me, but they knew. And then she said she replied to that email in the following words: fuck you for raping me. But she didn't just say it, she screamed it over and over and over, leaving the room haunted and sick. Then she stormed out.
One of those friends, now ex friends, told me in a facebook message I was no longer welcome near them anymore, although they also said they understood this would be hard and sympathized.
I went into a two week severe depression and the therapist who I had started seeing specifically because I thought I may have raped her and wanted to unconsciously or something, recommended I get to a mental hospital. It looked too expensive, so instead I started taking antidepressants. I've been on them ever since.
Also somewhat important to mention, almost funny, although I am crying now while writing this, I chose this therapist's name from a list given to me by the director of a rape prevention center at a university. I wanted to get therapy from a feminist who could set me straight in case I had any of that evil patriarchy stuff living inside of me.
I had a rough childhood and a fucked up family, so it's not like this stuff caused my emotional problems. They have always been there. But this has been a recurring trauma for me in that I have had breakdowns in broad daylight just imagining her yelling into the mic, imagining what pain I seem to have caused her. And every time I see one of these ex friends and they turn away from me in disgust, these surges of self hatred pour through me and it can come pretty close to self-harm thoughts.
Maybe her story would be extremely different from mine and maybe if you heard hers, you would hate me. I don't know, maybe I did some unforgiveable things and am in denial or delusional, I don't know. All I know is apparently I still can't forgive myself and this gets triggered every time I see one of these people. I can't just stay in my house or avoid the downtown area. It's a small town.
I have now been in a great number of therapies since then and the theme runs through each of the therapists: I have taken 200% responsibility for something it is unrealistic to take responsibility for. And, I must avoid any more guilt and shame because I am already at an unsafe baseline of it.
It feels good having written this out. Maybe there is narrative here that would make obvious who I am or some people in this, but while I'm writing right now I don't care. In my position it's not like anybody cares about my story anyway because the "survivor" is the one we're supposed to care about - I'm to be thrown in the trash or something. Of course I'm resentful, and I've tried to get over that resentment but nothing works. I'm still confused and angry, and obviously full of self hatred and back and forth surges of panic.
I thought that after 4 months of her doing that at the open mic I would be over it but at work I still have to go into the bathroom and sob/hyperventilate quietly for a couple of minutes and then use all this CBT, skills based crap I've been learning.
The hardest thing is having no control over the situation... I can't make her forgive me, I can't make them forgive me. I can't make anybody listen to me. I was too depressed to write about this months ago. I tried writing and then trailed into images of hanging myself. I'm not as bad now although today the panic/freakout was triggered again.
Thanks for read.
I thought I was completely over all of this but today I had a breakdown again for the first time in a couple months. It was triggered by having run into one of ex friends watching their eyes turn away from me as if they don't know who I am. It is a feeling I can't really describe in words.
The backstory is important.
A few months ago I was having completely consensual sex with my girlfriend. In the middle of the night, or maybe a few minutes after falling asleep - I actually have no idea - I initiated sex again. But I wasn't conscious. I've read dozens of articles, message board discussions, reddit conversations, it's apparently called sleepsomnia, or sleep sex. I have a vague and hazy memory of it, but only enough to know I realized "we" were having sex, got tired and passed out.
This probably wouldn't be an issue for most women, but her ex boyfriend before this had woken her up with sex while he was drunk one night, and six months later she decided to call it rape. At this time, there was an insane amount of conversation about rape in our community. A female friend of ours had caused a controversy by publishing a guy's full name and accusing him of having raped two women.
At this time, I was reading lots of feminist books about "being an ally" to women, and about rape, sexual assault, etc. I wanted to be a good person, and to do whatever the community needed me to do. I confronted the guy who was accused and made him cry, shamed the shit out of him, and made him feel probably how I feel now. It turns out really, most likely, he has never really raped anyone, or at least not by the common definition we use for rape. Neither of the two women defined the experience as rape, and that whole thing just turned out to be a shitstorm of unnecessary drama that seriously fucked with all of our heads in ways I think we all wish never happened. And no justice came of it I'm pretty sure - maybe not everyone would agree.
From this time learning about how to be an "ally," I learned that you never, ever tell a rape survivor that she's lying, or wrong, or over-reacting. I've studied some psychology and understand why this makes sense. If somebody is already feeling confused and ashamed, to make them more confused and ashamed is just wrong. Plus, rape culture is such that women are often blamed for having been in the wrong place, wearing the wrong clothes, etc. So in my mind then, and still now although less, if a woman considers anything to be "rape," it is Rape, period. if you're accused, you don't defend yourself. If someone is accused, you don't ask details. You just treat the accused person like shit, get them out of town, whatever you need to do to make the survivor feel safe.
So in the morning, after that night where one could call it rape, could call it sexsomnia, could call it a mistake, could call it whatever, I was confused. My eyes were full of tears and I asked her if I had... and she said she didn't know... and I had to leave for a week on a plane. She had been talking about possibly wanting to break up recently and during my week away I agreed to not contact her because she wanted to make up her mind about whether she wanted to break up or not. (To this day I have questioned whether something in my unconscious was angry at her for wanting to break up... all the therapists I've seen have thought this just seems like me trying to make myself seem evil or something, which apparently I try to do a lot.)
During this week I pretty much forgot about that night. I don't know how or why, I guess it was just such a split second thing I didn't think I should take responsibility for, that I didn't think it was worth dwelling on. Plus I wanted to enjoy my week away from home.
When I got back she seemed genuinely happy to see me, and said she hadn't made up her mind. It seemed like she wasn't impacted by that night at all...
She wasn't returning my calls or texts that week though, and I was getting really insecure. One night I went to her house and in the morning we had sex and on the way out of her house she stopped me to tell me something in a very cold, dark tone of voice that she felt like "a mouth." I was having mini panic attacks for the rest of the day feeling like all the usual things we had been doing sexually for six months somehow were turned against me and I didn't understand, but she wasn't returning my calls or texts that day. I was getting really freaked out and completely consumed by guilt.
I came to her house unannounced that night and sort of demanded to talk to her - not in an agro male way, actually in a really timid, pathetic sort of way. She had this eye rolling attitude like, fine, I'll tell you I want to break up. So we went down to the garage and she again, for the first time since I had known her, became cold and dark. Literally someone I had never met before.
She demanded that I not contact her at all, no email, no text, no phone, nothing. I tried taking this well... and for a few weeks somehow I was okay. I must have buried it.
I emailed her a few times anyway, freakout messages asking her if she was okay and if she considered that night to be rape. She was pretty nice at first, saying basically she wasn't sure what her perspective was and was trying to figure it out. I talked with a couple mutual female friends who I trusted about the issue and they said that if I raped her, I would definitely know.
But one day one of those mutual friends told her. She sent me a very angry email that night and I had a serious panic attack and didn't know who to call so I called the rape crisis center. They talked me down and convinced me that I did not rape her, that she was over reacting or something. I emailed her the details of that but her response was that she had put my email into an automatic filter that would delete my emails.
From there I was descending into a worse and worse depression but fighting it really hard with activist stuff I was doing at the time. Looking back I think it was obvious I was unstable to some others, maybe manic, but I thought I was doing fine. I was in total denial.
A few weeks later one of my housemates said that she was dropping out of school and moving back home. From a new email address I had started (coincidentally - I didn't start it just to contact her), I emailed her and asked if I could give her a hug goodbye, saying sorry if this is a boundary breaker to send this.
Her reply was what I imagined in that same cold, soulless tone as before. Yes, boundary breaker, I decided not to move away.
I did the worst imaginable thing and I still beat myself up almost every day for this, but I replied saying fuck you this, fuck you that, fuck you for ever having touched me, then ended by typing I hate you about 20 times. About 1/3 of me wanted her to read it so she would be as hurt as I was, another 1/3 thought she probably already spammed my new email, another 1/3 regretted having hit send.
No reply from her, I assumed it just went to her spam folder.
Then a week or so later, what happened to be Valentine's Day, she read my email at an open mic, a room full of people who I had been considered my best friends, people I was beginning to trust with my life, as family. She did not say it was me, but they knew. And then she said she replied to that email in the following words: fuck you for raping me. But she didn't just say it, she screamed it over and over and over, leaving the room haunted and sick. Then she stormed out.
One of those friends, now ex friends, told me in a facebook message I was no longer welcome near them anymore, although they also said they understood this would be hard and sympathized.
I went into a two week severe depression and the therapist who I had started seeing specifically because I thought I may have raped her and wanted to unconsciously or something, recommended I get to a mental hospital. It looked too expensive, so instead I started taking antidepressants. I've been on them ever since.
Also somewhat important to mention, almost funny, although I am crying now while writing this, I chose this therapist's name from a list given to me by the director of a rape prevention center at a university. I wanted to get therapy from a feminist who could set me straight in case I had any of that evil patriarchy stuff living inside of me.
I had a rough childhood and a fucked up family, so it's not like this stuff caused my emotional problems. They have always been there. But this has been a recurring trauma for me in that I have had breakdowns in broad daylight just imagining her yelling into the mic, imagining what pain I seem to have caused her. And every time I see one of these ex friends and they turn away from me in disgust, these surges of self hatred pour through me and it can come pretty close to self-harm thoughts.
Maybe her story would be extremely different from mine and maybe if you heard hers, you would hate me. I don't know, maybe I did some unforgiveable things and am in denial or delusional, I don't know. All I know is apparently I still can't forgive myself and this gets triggered every time I see one of these people. I can't just stay in my house or avoid the downtown area. It's a small town.
I have now been in a great number of therapies since then and the theme runs through each of the therapists: I have taken 200% responsibility for something it is unrealistic to take responsibility for. And, I must avoid any more guilt and shame because I am already at an unsafe baseline of it.
It feels good having written this out. Maybe there is narrative here that would make obvious who I am or some people in this, but while I'm writing right now I don't care. In my position it's not like anybody cares about my story anyway because the "survivor" is the one we're supposed to care about - I'm to be thrown in the trash or something. Of course I'm resentful, and I've tried to get over that resentment but nothing works. I'm still confused and angry, and obviously full of self hatred and back and forth surges of panic.
I thought that after 4 months of her doing that at the open mic I would be over it but at work I still have to go into the bathroom and sob/hyperventilate quietly for a couple of minutes and then use all this CBT, skills based crap I've been learning.
The hardest thing is having no control over the situation... I can't make her forgive me, I can't make them forgive me. I can't make anybody listen to me. I was too depressed to write about this months ago. I tried writing and then trailed into images of hanging myself. I'm not as bad now although today the panic/freakout was triggered again.
Thanks for read.
This post was deleted for the following reason: Poster's request. -- LobsterMitten
have you thought of moving to live with your parents (if they don't live in your current town) or just moving somewhere else? moving to live with your parents seems more possible if you have trouble with money now. it seems like a big part of your problem is being constantly reminded of this situation by seeing these people around all the time.
posted by cupcake1337 at 4:57 PM on June 11, 2013
posted by cupcake1337 at 4:57 PM on June 11, 2013
I agree with cupcake1337. At least take a long vacation, if you can. It's rough to be scapegoated. I have been there. Reading about scapegoating and how it works helped me to understand that it wasn't all about me, but about people displacing their undesired emotions onto me. Friendships ended over this, and I haven't bothered to try to reconnect with the people who scapegoated me. But I have made new and better friends since.
posted by xenophile at 5:39 PM on June 11, 2013
posted by xenophile at 5:39 PM on June 11, 2013
There is nothing anyone on the internets is going to say to fix this problem for you. It runs too deep. Time and therapy or rather therapy and time are you best hope. Good luck.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 5:57 PM on June 11, 2013
posted by JohnnyGunn at 5:57 PM on June 11, 2013
I kept wanting to pick a specific blurb out of this to quote and comment on, but i second moving back in with parents if they live in a different town. If not, take what you have and get a cheap/dump studio or SRO place in a different town and some walmart type job.
Just get the hell out of town, delete all these people on facebook, and get the hell away from this situation. Nothing healthy will come from being anywhere near it or trying to engage with any of them ever again.
Regardless of who did what here(and the "anonymous" open mic rant circlejerk among friends thing is err....yea) you need to just not be an element in any part of this situation ever again.
I'll also note that i've watched disturbingly similar situations to this play out from both sides, or when i was friends with both of the people involved. The type of shunning awkwardness you're describing does not go away, even years later. Even in cases where it was later proved that the situation never occurred/wasn't possible/was totally made up/etc. I really just think it's best for everyone involved, but especially you with the issues you're having here to just go.
posted by emptythought at 6:05 PM on June 11, 2013
Just get the hell out of town, delete all these people on facebook, and get the hell away from this situation. Nothing healthy will come from being anywhere near it or trying to engage with any of them ever again.
Regardless of who did what here(and the "anonymous" open mic rant circlejerk among friends thing is err....yea) you need to just not be an element in any part of this situation ever again.
I'll also note that i've watched disturbingly similar situations to this play out from both sides, or when i was friends with both of the people involved. The type of shunning awkwardness you're describing does not go away, even years later. Even in cases where it was later proved that the situation never occurred/wasn't possible/was totally made up/etc. I really just think it's best for everyone involved, but especially you with the issues you're having here to just go.
posted by emptythought at 6:05 PM on June 11, 2013
It hasn't occurred to anyone in the group that you're the SECOND so-called rapist in this girl's life? That, for some reason, she seems to be incapable of preventing a man who's welcome in her bed from having sex with her when they're both half asleep? Seems to me like she's getting a whole lot of mileage out of this I'm-a-victim-of-rape stuff in that her friends rally around her and lavish attention on her, but the boyfriends are being destroyed without any real basis for it.
This may sound weird, but I think you need some new friends, and I also think you need to get off the guilt trip. When two people are sharing a home and a bed, there are times when one wants sex and the other doesn't, other times when one or the other can take it or leave it, and other times when it's, "Yeah, Baby!" - and every variation thereof. Rarely do any of those situations constitute rape, but even if it does happen, it doesn't take six months and all sorts of discussion, thinking about it and thinking some more about the entire relationship, etc. etc. before one knows they've been raped.
The girl is the one with the problem - you're not. Move on - and probably move, period. I don't think you're going to be able to regain your earlier status in the eyes of these people - at least, not until four or five more of them are also accused of rape in this gal's bed.
posted by aryma at 6:08 PM on June 11, 2013 [14 favorites]
This may sound weird, but I think you need some new friends, and I also think you need to get off the guilt trip. When two people are sharing a home and a bed, there are times when one wants sex and the other doesn't, other times when one or the other can take it or leave it, and other times when it's, "Yeah, Baby!" - and every variation thereof. Rarely do any of those situations constitute rape, but even if it does happen, it doesn't take six months and all sorts of discussion, thinking about it and thinking some more about the entire relationship, etc. etc. before one knows they've been raped.
The girl is the one with the problem - you're not. Move on - and probably move, period. I don't think you're going to be able to regain your earlier status in the eyes of these people - at least, not until four or five more of them are also accused of rape in this gal's bed.
posted by aryma at 6:08 PM on June 11, 2013 [14 favorites]
This sounds like a lot of drama both generated by you and around you with predictable fall-out. I think therapy is a great idea and you may want to consider moving to a new place in order to get a fresh start.
I don't think that sexsomnia is a rare thing and many couples enjoy it. But, for the future, I'd recommend that you have a detailed discussion about this with your next partner(s). NOT a discussion of the drama, but a discussion of your history of sexsomnia and whether that's ok with your current partner. Also decide on a mutually agreeable plan for what to do if it happens and is not welcome. You should be aware that taking sleeping medications can increase the chances of this occurring.
To be clear, what her previous boyfriend did (come home drunk and start having sex with her sleeping body) is NOT ok without prior consent/agreement. Without consent, that is rape. What happened to you and what he did are two very different things. Don't mash them together.
posted by quince at 6:24 PM on June 11, 2013 [3 favorites]
I don't think that sexsomnia is a rare thing and many couples enjoy it. But, for the future, I'd recommend that you have a detailed discussion about this with your next partner(s). NOT a discussion of the drama, but a discussion of your history of sexsomnia and whether that's ok with your current partner. Also decide on a mutually agreeable plan for what to do if it happens and is not welcome. You should be aware that taking sleeping medications can increase the chances of this occurring.
To be clear, what her previous boyfriend did (come home drunk and start having sex with her sleeping body) is NOT ok without prior consent/agreement. Without consent, that is rape. What happened to you and what he did are two very different things. Don't mash them together.
posted by quince at 6:24 PM on June 11, 2013 [3 favorites]
I don't know if you raped her, but I think you consistently pushed her boundaries in a way that would be disrespectful and scary even if you hadn't had sex with her while she was asleep.
I also don't think her past sexual history (rapes included) are relevant to this discussion.
I DO think you should print this out and share it with your therapist. There's a lot of (public? performative?) self-flagellation in this post, and it might be fruitful to have an extended conversation about that in therapy.
posted by spunweb at 6:43 PM on June 11, 2013 [8 favorites]
I also don't think her past sexual history (rapes included) are relevant to this discussion.
I DO think you should print this out and share it with your therapist. There's a lot of (public? performative?) self-flagellation in this post, and it might be fruitful to have an extended conversation about that in therapy.
posted by spunweb at 6:43 PM on June 11, 2013 [8 favorites]
this sounds really confusing and difficult for both of you. i think your best bet is to move far from that town to a bigger city and just start over.
posted by wildflower at 6:51 PM on June 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by wildflower at 6:51 PM on June 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Yeah I think you need to (1) move and (2) get a different therapist, someone who doesn't focus on gender issues. In general, you need to be thinking less about rape, not more.
You were out of line with your nastygram, she was out of line by falsely accusing you of rape in public. Honestly, I'm not sure that people are shunning you because they believed it, so much as because you are putting out a bizarre vibe and it's weirding everyone out. I'm not at all trying to be unkind, I can tell you feel terrible already, but this whole story is... a layer cake of crazy.
Focus on work -- possibly on finding work in a new city -- and on being a good person who's fun to be around. Watch other people and see how they get through the day without obsessing about theoretical rapes, and emulate that. Part of your therapy's goal should be to find other things to think about.
By the way, while some of what your ex gf did is inexcusable, I think what she meant when she said she felt "like a mouth" is that you were taking advantage of sexual access to her without taking her feelings into account. Basically that she regretted having sex with you because you were not kind to her. Something to avoid in the future obviously.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:02 PM on June 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
You were out of line with your nastygram, she was out of line by falsely accusing you of rape in public. Honestly, I'm not sure that people are shunning you because they believed it, so much as because you are putting out a bizarre vibe and it's weirding everyone out. I'm not at all trying to be unkind, I can tell you feel terrible already, but this whole story is... a layer cake of crazy.
Focus on work -- possibly on finding work in a new city -- and on being a good person who's fun to be around. Watch other people and see how they get through the day without obsessing about theoretical rapes, and emulate that. Part of your therapy's goal should be to find other things to think about.
By the way, while some of what your ex gf did is inexcusable, I think what she meant when she said she felt "like a mouth" is that you were taking advantage of sexual access to her without taking her feelings into account. Basically that she regretted having sex with you because you were not kind to her. Something to avoid in the future obviously.
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:02 PM on June 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
I think you're being gaslighted, mate. Go to therapy not to focus on "the rape" but on why you've let someone smear you in such a huge way (to the extend that you're contemplating suicide!).
posted by gardenbex at 7:18 PM on June 11, 2013
posted by gardenbex at 7:18 PM on June 11, 2013
...she stopped me to tell me something in a very cold, dark tone of voice that she felt like "a mouth." I was having mini panic attacks for the rest of the day feeling like all the usual things we had been doing sexually for six months somehow were turned against me and I didn't understand...
Your ex needs to continue doing work on herself to recover from the trauma she experienced with the previous boyfriend. She's carrying that damage forward into her new relationships with horrifyingly toxic effects. At some point she has to own that, because really, it sounds like she's acting out how perhaps she wishes she would have handled the situation with her assault-perpetrating ex on you. You deserve WAY more than that.
If you know that your sleeping-sex with her came from a place of only loving and affectionate intentions for her, then there is nothing for you to feel guilty about. End of story.
Instead it sounds like your hypervigilance in labelling your behavior as rape has led you to become her palette for this unresolved baggage.
I wanted to get therapy from a feminist who could set me straight in case I had any of that evil patriarchy stuff living inside of me.
For the love of all that is good in the universe, including yourself, stop buying into this outdated feminist belief that your male sexuality is merely a patriarchal expression that needs to be exorcized from your soul. While I do commend you for your activist work (that's brave stuff!), I do think you've been reading WAY too much feminist literature than could be healthy for a person (hell, I'm a well-educated woman and I really limit my exposure to it because some of it is way too loathsome of humanity for me to ever consider it remotely healthy for self-actualization). Just because some men rape doesn't mean that all men should have to live their lives life in constant paranoia of having to own it (really, society, we have no safe way for a man to assert his sexual behavior ≠ rape?). Please, for yourself and other men out there, have more faith in your own humanity. Give yourself some credit for the good you've already contributed to making a stronger society.
One last thing: I would bet your ex is playing on some unresolved damage you've had from your childhood already when it comes to taking ownership for all that is evil about male behavior. Please consider using some CBT to unroot your shame-based beliefs surrounding your sexuality and identity as a man. You can always rejoin the activism fight after you persevere through this inner battle. Sincerely, best of luck.
posted by human ecologist at 7:32 PM on June 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Your ex needs to continue doing work on herself to recover from the trauma she experienced with the previous boyfriend. She's carrying that damage forward into her new relationships with horrifyingly toxic effects. At some point she has to own that, because really, it sounds like she's acting out how perhaps she wishes she would have handled the situation with her assault-perpetrating ex on you. You deserve WAY more than that.
If you know that your sleeping-sex with her came from a place of only loving and affectionate intentions for her, then there is nothing for you to feel guilty about. End of story.
Instead it sounds like your hypervigilance in labelling your behavior as rape has led you to become her palette for this unresolved baggage.
I wanted to get therapy from a feminist who could set me straight in case I had any of that evil patriarchy stuff living inside of me.
For the love of all that is good in the universe, including yourself, stop buying into this outdated feminist belief that your male sexuality is merely a patriarchal expression that needs to be exorcized from your soul. While I do commend you for your activist work (that's brave stuff!), I do think you've been reading WAY too much feminist literature than could be healthy for a person (hell, I'm a well-educated woman and I really limit my exposure to it because some of it is way too loathsome of humanity for me to ever consider it remotely healthy for self-actualization). Just because some men rape doesn't mean that all men should have to live their lives life in constant paranoia of having to own it (really, society, we have no safe way for a man to assert his sexual behavior ≠ rape?). Please, for yourself and other men out there, have more faith in your own humanity. Give yourself some credit for the good you've already contributed to making a stronger society.
One last thing: I would bet your ex is playing on some unresolved damage you've had from your childhood already when it comes to taking ownership for all that is evil about male behavior. Please consider using some CBT to unroot your shame-based beliefs surrounding your sexuality and identity as a man. You can always rejoin the activism fight after you persevere through this inner battle. Sincerely, best of luck.
posted by human ecologist at 7:32 PM on June 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Get out of town. Give up trying to interact with these folks.
posted by ead at 8:16 PM on June 11, 2013
posted by ead at 8:16 PM on June 11, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by xingcat at 4:33 PM on June 11, 2013