Once an asshole…?
June 7, 2013 8:29 AM Subscribe
My brother was abusive to me when I was a kid. Now we are middle-aged adults, some of the behaviour has returned. How do I deal with it?
My brother was an asshole to me when we were kids. I am female and he is four years older. He would verbally and physically abuse me (including punching my breasts with his fists) and once, when I was 15, he left me at his much older friends' house (2 men in their late 20s, early 30s) for a couple of nights until my mother made him get me back home. He has done a few incredibly weird things as an adult too, including recently making up a story about how my husband made his money that besides being totally untrue, puts my husband in a bad light.
Years have gone by and I thought I'd forgotten if not forgiven him all that crap. He lives in another country, has made a lot of money legitimately, has a family, volunteers on non-profit boards for child welfare and the environment, runs ethics committees, is running for public office, and helps my elderly mother with some extras in life. He thinks he's a really top guy according to the self-promotional material I read about him on his website and hear from my mother. I don't see him much and can go for a year when we only talk on our birthdays.
So earlier this year I rang my brother to wish him a happy 52nd birthday. We chatted for a bit then I asked him what he was up to. Playing with his new birthday gadget, he said. In return I said I was sitting on the back step watching some birds in the birdbath. Out of the blue, in a really mean tone of voice he said: "well you should get off your fat ass and do something!"
His uncalled for attack threw me. I mumbled something about the birds and ended the conversation saying something like "life isn't all about work".
Since then, many of the awful things he has said and done to me over the years have been bubbling to the surface of my consciousness, things I thought I'd got over. Normally I'd just write about it and let the anger wear itself out but I don't have time. I have to spend two days with him at a family gathering in three weeks.
Part of me (the hurt and frustrated part) wants to 'have it out' with him about his attitude. Another part of me wants to ignore him outright, just ignore him as though he is not there. This could be possible but I don't know if the difficulty level outweighs the benefit. Another part of me wants to take him aside and say: 'dude, not cool to talk to me like that'. But he probably doesn't even remember he said it. Or would deny it 'as a joke'. He is much bigger than me and has a patriarchal attitude, stare and tone of voice.
Oh wise ones of metafilter: how should I handle being around my arrogant asshole of a brother for two days? Added difficulty, I want to hang out with his 16yr old daughter but I don't want to let slip to her that her dad behaves very badly towards me sometimes.
My brother was an asshole to me when we were kids. I am female and he is four years older. He would verbally and physically abuse me (including punching my breasts with his fists) and once, when I was 15, he left me at his much older friends' house (2 men in their late 20s, early 30s) for a couple of nights until my mother made him get me back home. He has done a few incredibly weird things as an adult too, including recently making up a story about how my husband made his money that besides being totally untrue, puts my husband in a bad light.
Years have gone by and I thought I'd forgotten if not forgiven him all that crap. He lives in another country, has made a lot of money legitimately, has a family, volunteers on non-profit boards for child welfare and the environment, runs ethics committees, is running for public office, and helps my elderly mother with some extras in life. He thinks he's a really top guy according to the self-promotional material I read about him on his website and hear from my mother. I don't see him much and can go for a year when we only talk on our birthdays.
So earlier this year I rang my brother to wish him a happy 52nd birthday. We chatted for a bit then I asked him what he was up to. Playing with his new birthday gadget, he said. In return I said I was sitting on the back step watching some birds in the birdbath. Out of the blue, in a really mean tone of voice he said: "well you should get off your fat ass and do something!"
His uncalled for attack threw me. I mumbled something about the birds and ended the conversation saying something like "life isn't all about work".
Since then, many of the awful things he has said and done to me over the years have been bubbling to the surface of my consciousness, things I thought I'd got over. Normally I'd just write about it and let the anger wear itself out but I don't have time. I have to spend two days with him at a family gathering in three weeks.
Part of me (the hurt and frustrated part) wants to 'have it out' with him about his attitude. Another part of me wants to ignore him outright, just ignore him as though he is not there. This could be possible but I don't know if the difficulty level outweighs the benefit. Another part of me wants to take him aside and say: 'dude, not cool to talk to me like that'. But he probably doesn't even remember he said it. Or would deny it 'as a joke'. He is much bigger than me and has a patriarchal attitude, stare and tone of voice.
Oh wise ones of metafilter: how should I handle being around my arrogant asshole of a brother for two days? Added difficulty, I want to hang out with his 16yr old daughter but I don't want to let slip to her that her dad behaves very badly towards me sometimes.
This post was deleted for the following reason: Whoops, double! -- cortex
« Older How to deal with threat of violence against me... | Laptop Fan Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.