How can I handle unnecessary guilt from coworkers?
May 20, 2013 7:54 AM Subscribe
My job involves many roles, one of which is IT support, at a medium-sized business. Even though this part of my work only takes up about 33% of my working hours, the negativity surrounding it is making my job a living hell.
Most of the time this negative energy is caused by subtle little comments from co-workers that lay blame on me for all their computer-related issues.
The most recent comment, and the one that has bothered me the most to date, came last night via email. It read,
"I just walked all the way to the office to work here tonight and the Microsoft Word file I am working on is not working... *further details of tech issue*. Can you take a look tomorrow?"
Now, this email is perfectly fine except for the little comment about "I just walked all the way to the office...". It seems terribly unprofessional and disrespectful. I feel like she is pouring such negative energy and guilt on me with an unnecessary comment like that. If this were an urgent issue, I could understand the need to communicate how she put in effort to work on a Sunday night and needs an immediate resolution. But if I'm looking at it Monday morning, then why express that?
I am a sensitive person, so I am having trouble dealing with this. Am I taking this comment too personally? What is a professional and tactful way to be able to say, "I didn't appreciate that comment."? or do I need to just let it go and learn how to deal with the negativity in other ways?
Most of the time this negative energy is caused by subtle little comments from co-workers that lay blame on me for all their computer-related issues.
The most recent comment, and the one that has bothered me the most to date, came last night via email. It read,
"I just walked all the way to the office to work here tonight and the Microsoft Word file I am working on is not working... *further details of tech issue*. Can you take a look tomorrow?"
Now, this email is perfectly fine except for the little comment about "I just walked all the way to the office...". It seems terribly unprofessional and disrespectful. I feel like she is pouring such negative energy and guilt on me with an unnecessary comment like that. If this were an urgent issue, I could understand the need to communicate how she put in effort to work on a Sunday night and needs an immediate resolution. But if I'm looking at it Monday morning, then why express that?
I am a sensitive person, so I am having trouble dealing with this. Am I taking this comment too personally? What is a professional and tactful way to be able to say, "I didn't appreciate that comment."? or do I need to just let it go and learn how to deal with the negativity in other ways?
Try this: it's not her against you. It's you and her against the unfeeling chaos that causes these problems.
If you start framing your own communications this way, maybe this attitude will spread.
Of course, you don't want to seem helpless -- you've already won many victories against the unfeeling chaos :)
If all this isn't enough, put a picture or an icon/sculpture of the unfeeling chaos somewhere at the office so you can collectively make angry eyes at it. (half joking)
posted by amtho at 8:00 AM on May 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
If you start framing your own communications this way, maybe this attitude will spread.
Of course, you don't want to seem helpless -- you've already won many victories against the unfeeling chaos :)
If all this isn't enough, put a picture or an icon/sculpture of the unfeeling chaos somewhere at the office so you can collectively make angry eyes at it. (half joking)
posted by amtho at 8:00 AM on May 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
Best answer: Every time you get a comment that sounds angry or frustrated or personal, just rewrite it in your head to what the person really meant, which was
"I'm really frustrated now because the Microsoft Word file ..." (etc)
"I am angry because my computer lost all my files".
Then you can reply to the rewritten version:
"Oh that does sound super frustrating! Let me fix that"
"I'm not surprised that you're angry with it! Let's set up a backup system for you so that this doesn't happen again"
If the person is being angry and frustrated at you on the phone, turn the volume down a little bit on your phone (or hold the receiver away from you ear). You can still hear what they are saying but the visceral impact of their annoyance is reduced.
posted by emilyw at 8:00 AM on May 20, 2013 [7 favorites]
"I'm really frustrated now because the Microsoft Word file ..." (etc)
"I am angry because my computer lost all my files".
Then you can reply to the rewritten version:
"Oh that does sound super frustrating! Let me fix that"
"I'm not surprised that you're angry with it! Let's set up a backup system for you so that this doesn't happen again"
If the person is being angry and frustrated at you on the phone, turn the volume down a little bit on your phone (or hold the receiver away from you ear). You can still hear what they are saying but the visceral impact of their annoyance is reduced.
posted by emilyw at 8:00 AM on May 20, 2013 [7 favorites]
You need to let this go. 99% of the time the way someone says something or does something is about them and their baggage. This is one of those times, and yes, you would do well to investigate some form of counseling or therapy (preferably of the CBT variety) to get over your profound sensitivity to other people's comments.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 8:00 AM on May 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 8:00 AM on May 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Working in IT, and I learned a long time ago to a) not take it personally and b) let a lot go. People may or may not mean it personally, but if you give a reply like "I didn't appreciate that comment," it will instantly get personal on both sides. I've also found that having that person I can trust- usually also techie- to complain and vent to is a great outlet.
Another option: Have a help desk submission form, something as easy as a Google Form. Just a simple "Device this happened on" & "Describe your problem." This helps to eliminate the personal aspect of e-mails and turn it impersonal.
posted by jmd82 at 8:02 AM on May 20, 2013 [10 favorites]
Another option: Have a help desk submission form, something as easy as a Google Form. Just a simple "Device this happened on" & "Describe your problem." This helps to eliminate the personal aspect of e-mails and turn it impersonal.
posted by jmd82 at 8:02 AM on May 20, 2013 [10 favorites]
Yikes, you must get the fluff blown off your dandelion all the time.
She's venting. It's not about you at all. She's frustrated with the fact that her thingy isn't working.
I'm a sys admin for software in my office and one sales person goes out of her way to tell me how inferior the software is to the decades old system they used to use. I makes me insane (like I decided it unilaterally and I'm a big idiot). At the end of the day though, she's talking out of her ass.
So let people vent, it's nothing to do with you.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:03 AM on May 20, 2013 [11 favorites]
She's venting. It's not about you at all. She's frustrated with the fact that her thingy isn't working.
I'm a sys admin for software in my office and one sales person goes out of her way to tell me how inferior the software is to the decades old system they used to use. I makes me insane (like I decided it unilaterally and I'm a big idiot). At the end of the day though, she's talking out of her ass.
So let people vent, it's nothing to do with you.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:03 AM on May 20, 2013 [11 favorites]
Best answer: m I taking this comment too personally? What is a professional and tactful way to be able to say, "I didn't appreciate that comment."? or do I need to just let it go and learn how to deal with the negativity in other ways?
You feel what you feel. I'm a woman who does IT and I have a hard time balancing this personally sometimes. I think part of what has been helpful to me is trying to make a split between what is a problem with the computer and their own management of that problem, and what is an actual thing that you did (or didn't do) that was a problem for the person. People have expectations about technology that are often unrealistic, so I see part of my job as politely and tactfully setting expectations about what people should and shouldn't expect from the technology and what they should and shouldn't expect from me. This at least helps me set my own priorities, otherwise you wind up plcating the squeaky wheels a lot.
An example I get sometimes is "I was on the phone with tech support for THREE HOURS and we still didn't figure anything out...." for some problem that is not a three hour tech support problem. And people want sympathy for their lost three hours. So I can often say "Wow, that sounds frustrating, here's what we're going to do now..." and move on. Additionally, a lot of times people want to know why a particular thing happened even if the thing that wasn't working is fixed and I often don't know why (usual answer is that they did something, but damned if I can figure out what it was and it's not really my job to be able to forensically determine this but help them make better decisions next time) and people are sometimes seeking some sort of closure on that issue. That's simultaneously outside the scope of what I do, but also something I should at least address so the person can move on with whatever they need the computer to do.
But yes, really, I don't think this is targeted at you and I think you'll have a better time doing your job if you try to find a way to reframe these sort of interactions. People get frustrated and have varying degrees of appropriate filters on those feelings so you will encounter this often in the line of work that you do. If you have a colleague or a boss who you feel that you can discuss this with, they will probably be able to help you with this. Sometimes having people that you can (privately) blow off steam about this with is very helpful, so you don't feel like you're sucking it up but you can also act professionally towards the frustrated person.
posted by jessamyn at 8:05 AM on May 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
You feel what you feel. I'm a woman who does IT and I have a hard time balancing this personally sometimes. I think part of what has been helpful to me is trying to make a split between what is a problem with the computer and their own management of that problem, and what is an actual thing that you did (or didn't do) that was a problem for the person. People have expectations about technology that are often unrealistic, so I see part of my job as politely and tactfully setting expectations about what people should and shouldn't expect from the technology and what they should and shouldn't expect from me. This at least helps me set my own priorities, otherwise you wind up plcating the squeaky wheels a lot.
An example I get sometimes is "I was on the phone with tech support for THREE HOURS and we still didn't figure anything out...." for some problem that is not a three hour tech support problem. And people want sympathy for their lost three hours. So I can often say "Wow, that sounds frustrating, here's what we're going to do now..." and move on. Additionally, a lot of times people want to know why a particular thing happened even if the thing that wasn't working is fixed and I often don't know why (usual answer is that they did something, but damned if I can figure out what it was and it's not really my job to be able to forensically determine this but help them make better decisions next time) and people are sometimes seeking some sort of closure on that issue. That's simultaneously outside the scope of what I do, but also something I should at least address so the person can move on with whatever they need the computer to do.
But yes, really, I don't think this is targeted at you and I think you'll have a better time doing your job if you try to find a way to reframe these sort of interactions. People get frustrated and have varying degrees of appropriate filters on those feelings so you will encounter this often in the line of work that you do. If you have a colleague or a boss who you feel that you can discuss this with, they will probably be able to help you with this. Sometimes having people that you can (privately) blow off steam about this with is very helpful, so you don't feel like you're sucking it up but you can also act professionally towards the frustrated person.
posted by jessamyn at 8:05 AM on May 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
Defusing my anger is easy. Remember I am not angry with you. Acknowledge my anger then do your best to fix the problem. And if you work in IT support, work at enhancing this skill as it will make you way better at your job than most folk.
posted by BenPens at 8:06 AM on May 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by BenPens at 8:06 AM on May 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
Yes, do not take it personally, but also each of these instances is an opportunity for you to outline expectations. You say that IT is only part of your job, so I would imagine that you work in a small company. People need to be informed that support is a 9-5 thing. Anything after-hours is something that will be dealt with the next business day. etc. By outlining service level expectations you begin the dialog of what real IT requirements the business needs, and hopefully work your way into hiring a full time IT person.
I am not suggesting that you reply to these emails with "I don't work after hours", rather that you start a dialog with the people in the office to head off unrealistic expectations.
posted by Gungho at 8:09 AM on May 20, 2013
I am not suggesting that you reply to these emails with "I don't work after hours", rather that you start a dialog with the people in the office to head off unrealistic expectations.
posted by Gungho at 8:09 AM on May 20, 2013
I am a sensitive person, so I am having trouble dealing with this. Am I taking this comment too personally?
Yes. It's not about you. Like I didn't even notice that the problem in the email you described was the opening clause. She's not blaming you. She's just setting the context and venting frustration. She was not even pointing fingers at you and making you seem at fault. She just needed a problem fixed, and it's your job to fix the problem.
That said, help desk is going to be a problem for you. If you feel like this kind of "dumping negativity" on you is making your job "a living hell," then you should not be in help desk/IT support. Why? Because the nature of the job is that people have a problem that impedes their work. The job is all about dealing with people who have problems. If you are so much on the tail end of "highly sensitive person" that you can't handle dealing with frustrated people all day, then you will never find a place in IT support that isn't a highly upsetting experience for you. It would be like if a therapist couldn't handle listening to everyone's problems all day or if a divorce lawyer couldn't emotionally deal with listening to someone's legal and marriage problems. You have to learn to filter out the emotional stuff and stop taking it personally (they weren't even blaming you for the problem!) if you want to succeed, here.
posted by deanc at 8:10 AM on May 20, 2013 [21 favorites]
Yes. It's not about you. Like I didn't even notice that the problem in the email you described was the opening clause. She's not blaming you. She's just setting the context and venting frustration. She was not even pointing fingers at you and making you seem at fault. She just needed a problem fixed, and it's your job to fix the problem.
That said, help desk is going to be a problem for you. If you feel like this kind of "dumping negativity" on you is making your job "a living hell," then you should not be in help desk/IT support. Why? Because the nature of the job is that people have a problem that impedes their work. The job is all about dealing with people who have problems. If you are so much on the tail end of "highly sensitive person" that you can't handle dealing with frustrated people all day, then you will never find a place in IT support that isn't a highly upsetting experience for you. It would be like if a therapist couldn't handle listening to everyone's problems all day or if a divorce lawyer couldn't emotionally deal with listening to someone's legal and marriage problems. You have to learn to filter out the emotional stuff and stop taking it personally (they weren't even blaming you for the problem!) if you want to succeed, here.
posted by deanc at 8:10 AM on May 20, 2013 [21 favorites]
Yeah, I agree with Deanc that this is really going to be the wrong line of work for you if you take this stuff personally. Frankly, the comment that YOU took personally, was just the woman's way of explaining how the problem was personally compounded for her (because she made the extra effort of walking to work and then couldn't even do the job she made the extra effort to do). Is her walking to work your problem? No, of course not. But she was venting about it because it amplified the problem to her. You are going to have to work really hard to separate these extra things that people will commonly vent about when frustrated with computer problems, and focus on the real technical issue.
Or, seriously, start looking for another line of work because I guarantee this will be a reoccurring issue.
posted by Eicats at 8:18 AM on May 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
Or, seriously, start looking for another line of work because I guarantee this will be a reoccurring issue.
posted by Eicats at 8:18 AM on May 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
Being IT support, you should expect this sort of routine mistreatment. People in the office only notice IT when something is broken. When the system is stable for weeks or months at a time, you are invisible. It's only when something goes wrong and someone must be blamed for the ensuing frustration that IT gets laid out on the guillotine.
You will not be happy at work if you fight this inevitable undervaluing by your colleagues. The best way to adapt to being the IT support guy (or gal) is to be unfailingly kind, impossibly patient, and to take all of the abuse with saintly understanding that someone's day was just ruined due to a lost spreadsheet or a malformed email. You must become the bodhisattva of your office.
posted by deathpanels at 8:20 AM on May 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
You will not be happy at work if you fight this inevitable undervaluing by your colleagues. The best way to adapt to being the IT support guy (or gal) is to be unfailingly kind, impossibly patient, and to take all of the abuse with saintly understanding that someone's day was just ruined due to a lost spreadsheet or a malformed email. You must become the bodhisattva of your office.
posted by deathpanels at 8:20 AM on May 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
I feel like she is pouring such negative energy and guilt on me with an unnecessary comment like that.
I see absolutely no mistreatment here at all. She's just venting and you are absorbing blame when she is not assigning any blame. That's on you, not her.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:24 AM on May 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
I see absolutely no mistreatment here at all. She's just venting and you are absorbing blame when she is not assigning any blame. That's on you, not her.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:24 AM on May 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
Best answer: "I just walked all the way to the office..."
Am I taking this comment too personally?
I don't think you are necessarily taking this too personally. Whoever wrote this is absolutely trying to make you feel like you have wronged them by daring to not have this thing working outside of business hours. It is a mean and bitchy thing to say and I'm sorry you had to deal with it.
That being said -- the reason why I can never, ever in my life work in IT again is because the "customers" of IT people are _always_ (maybe not always, maybe just fairly often but I only remember the terrible ones) like this. I don't know what causes it, but even those of us who understand that IT is not out to get us and prevent us from doing our jobs fall into the trap of being mean and condescending like this. I find myself often needing to edit my language so that I'm treating whatever helpdesk person I'm dealing with like a human.
So, if you can't do what others have suggested and just let it go or try not to let the bitchy parts of such messages sink in at all, then you, like me, may not be cut out for IT work. If anything I think that the fact that it is 33% of you job probably makes it even harder, since you need to balance users desire to have you spend all day fixing their problem vs. actually getting the rest of your job done. Is there anyway that you can get out of this part of your job? Pick up other responsibilities and convince your manager to hire a real IT person?
posted by sparklemotion at 8:25 AM on May 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Am I taking this comment too personally?
I don't think you are necessarily taking this too personally. Whoever wrote this is absolutely trying to make you feel like you have wronged them by daring to not have this thing working outside of business hours. It is a mean and bitchy thing to say and I'm sorry you had to deal with it.
That being said -- the reason why I can never, ever in my life work in IT again is because the "customers" of IT people are _always_ (maybe not always, maybe just fairly often but I only remember the terrible ones) like this. I don't know what causes it, but even those of us who understand that IT is not out to get us and prevent us from doing our jobs fall into the trap of being mean and condescending like this. I find myself often needing to edit my language so that I'm treating whatever helpdesk person I'm dealing with like a human.
So, if you can't do what others have suggested and just let it go or try not to let the bitchy parts of such messages sink in at all, then you, like me, may not be cut out for IT work. If anything I think that the fact that it is 33% of you job probably makes it even harder, since you need to balance users desire to have you spend all day fixing their problem vs. actually getting the rest of your job done. Is there anyway that you can get out of this part of your job? Pick up other responsibilities and convince your manager to hire a real IT person?
posted by sparklemotion at 8:25 AM on May 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Most times they're not doing it to you, they're just doing it. I think this is one of those times.
posted by resurrexit at 8:30 AM on May 20, 2013
posted by resurrexit at 8:30 AM on May 20, 2013
There's nothing in that email that seems to be laying anything at your doorstep. You're taking it too personally. Just because an email has your name in the To: field doesn't mean everything in it is about you.
If this were an urgent issue, I could understand the need to communicate how she put in effort to work on a Sunday night and needs an immediate resolution. But if I'm looking at it Monday morning, then why express that?
The sender's just providing context for why this is being sent at that time rather than on Monday morning. In this instance, the context isn't really relevant. That email is basically saying "well, this really sucks, can you take a boo at this problem tomorrow when you're in?" It's not saying "god damn you, why doesn't my shit work on Sunday, this is all your fault and everyone here knows it".
On preview: Whoever wrote this is absolutely trying to make you feel like you have wronged them by daring to not have this thing working outside of business hours. It is a mean and bitchy thing to say and I'm sorry you had to deal with it.
Wow, I couldn't have read that more differently. It's so much more work to interpret everything as an attack, why not just assume people are innocently conveying their own frustrations and not blaming you for them?
posted by Sternmeyer at 8:31 AM on May 20, 2013 [14 favorites]
If this were an urgent issue, I could understand the need to communicate how she put in effort to work on a Sunday night and needs an immediate resolution. But if I'm looking at it Monday morning, then why express that?
The sender's just providing context for why this is being sent at that time rather than on Monday morning. In this instance, the context isn't really relevant. That email is basically saying "well, this really sucks, can you take a boo at this problem tomorrow when you're in?" It's not saying "god damn you, why doesn't my shit work on Sunday, this is all your fault and everyone here knows it".
On preview: Whoever wrote this is absolutely trying to make you feel like you have wronged them by daring to not have this thing working outside of business hours. It is a mean and bitchy thing to say and I'm sorry you had to deal with it.
Wow, I couldn't have read that more differently. It's so much more work to interpret everything as an attack, why not just assume people are innocently conveying their own frustrations and not blaming you for them?
posted by Sternmeyer at 8:31 AM on May 20, 2013 [14 favorites]
People who do this usually don't think they are dumping shit on you or acting hostile. They think they are enlisting your sympathy by telling you how hard this is for them or what pressure they are under. I often feel like telling people, look, this is not actually making people more apt to help you and in fact you're kicking yourself in the butt by acting like that. But ultimately it's their problem.
posted by BibiRose at 8:34 AM on May 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by BibiRose at 8:34 AM on May 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
I agree, it really sounds like she was just trying to help you understand her situation and because of frayed nerves maybe it wasn't the most polished prose. Please, it's Sunday night, I just walked all the way here for nothing, please help. I don't see where you're getting guilt and negativity from. If this incident is representative of the problems you have regularly, and you're going to continue in this line of work, you need to get better at re-framing things and thinking about things from the other person's point of view.
posted by bleep at 8:34 AM on May 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by bleep at 8:34 AM on May 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
I read this as they are venting their frustration that they just spent a lot of time walking to the office to work on this file and it's not working. I don't read this as, "You made me walk all the way to the office on my day off and dared to have a malfunctioning file waiting for me."
I think your negative feelings about this aspect of the job are unnecessarily coloring your perception.
posted by Leezie at 8:37 AM on May 20, 2013
I think your negative feelings about this aspect of the job are unnecessarily coloring your perception.
posted by Leezie at 8:37 AM on May 20, 2013
Response by poster: Thanks for the answers so far everyone.
I just want to point out that a vast majority of commenters here are saying "You need to stop taking this so personally so you can do your job better" and I COMPLETELY agree. But these comments are actually just seem to be echoing my question of "How do I deal with this?" instead of actually offering an solution.
If any future answerers can help, I would be grateful.
posted by daisies at 8:38 AM on May 20, 2013
I just want to point out that a vast majority of commenters here are saying "You need to stop taking this so personally so you can do your job better" and I COMPLETELY agree. But these comments are actually just seem to be echoing my question of "How do I deal with this?" instead of actually offering an solution.
If any future answerers can help, I would be grateful.
posted by daisies at 8:38 AM on May 20, 2013
Best answer: I think you'll deal with these sorts of complaints better if you can look upon yourself as some sort of all-wise, all soothing expert, who can help these poor folks. I know that when I get an urgent message from an film editor, for example, who can't download the clip I found--I usually try to act like I did when my kids were little and wanted mom to fix it. By being calm, sympathetic, and soothing, I can defuse the situation and make both the other person and myself more relaxed. It's not a crisis, I can handle this,"shhh mom's here". (I don't say that to the other person, but I have the same tone, same expression, etc.) If you're not a parent, and don't have that experience of yourself, think of calming an anxious pet and how you act.
posted by Ideefixe at 8:44 AM on May 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Ideefixe at 8:44 AM on May 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
That being said -- the reason why I can never, ever in my life work in IT again is because the "customers" of IT people are _always_ (maybe not always, maybe just fairly often but I only remember the terrible ones) like this. I don't know what causes it, but even those of us who understand that IT is not out to get us and prevent us from doing our jobs fall into the trap of being mean and condescending like this.
To look at it from the end-user's perspective, the employees have a job to do. Doing their job is generally very dependent on the fact that when they turn on their computers, things "just work." Once things don't work, every hour that things aren't working or time they spend trying to get it working is time spent doing something other than their job. Your job is to make sure everything is working. When someone goes to IT with a problem, they're saying, "Help! I can't do my job because something isn't working! Get it working so I can get back to doing my job!"
But these comments are actually just seem to be echoing my question of "How do I deal with this?" instead of actually offering an solution.
I dunno. Therapy? CBT? The solution is for you to leave the job or make adjustments to your approach and temperament. Most of us don't read into the email you received with overwhelming feelings of guilt and abuse. In fact, asking IT people how they dealt with this is probably the wrong thing to do because the temperament of IT people is of the sort where they are able to approach the problems without feeling abused or guilt-ridden simply because people express problems in your presence (which is the nature of IT support: no one talks to you unless there is a problem to be fixed).
posted by deanc at 8:47 AM on May 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
To look at it from the end-user's perspective, the employees have a job to do. Doing their job is generally very dependent on the fact that when they turn on their computers, things "just work." Once things don't work, every hour that things aren't working or time they spend trying to get it working is time spent doing something other than their job. Your job is to make sure everything is working. When someone goes to IT with a problem, they're saying, "Help! I can't do my job because something isn't working! Get it working so I can get back to doing my job!"
But these comments are actually just seem to be echoing my question of "How do I deal with this?" instead of actually offering an solution.
I dunno. Therapy? CBT? The solution is for you to leave the job or make adjustments to your approach and temperament. Most of us don't read into the email you received with overwhelming feelings of guilt and abuse. In fact, asking IT people how they dealt with this is probably the wrong thing to do because the temperament of IT people is of the sort where they are able to approach the problems without feeling abused or guilt-ridden simply because people express problems in your presence (which is the nature of IT support: no one talks to you unless there is a problem to be fixed).
posted by deanc at 8:47 AM on May 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
I think all the "stop taking it personally" answers ARE trying to give you a solution -- to reframe your thinking so that she's not venting at you, she's just venting. In your question, you said people are trying to "lay blame on you." The way you deal with that is by realizing that they are not blaming you, they're just frustrated. I'm a lawyer so I know what it's like to feel like people hate you when you're trying to help them. I would suggest that even if someone IS angry at you personally and is blaming you, part of your job is managing their frustration. Not just solving their IT problem, but acknowledging how they feel and explaining how/why these things sometimes go wrong. So when she says, "I walked all the way here on a weekend and it didn't work!" you say, "I'm so sorry [the empathy kind of sorry, not the apologizing kind], that sounds really frustrating! I'll take a look as soon as I can." And then when you call her back with a proposed solution, reinforce that idea that you're on her team, working side by side with her to fix this. This is easier with some people than with others, but even with difficult people, keeping that attitude will help. Like law, IT is a customer service job, even though that's not the expertise we're being paid for.
posted by chickenmagazine at 8:52 AM on May 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by chickenmagazine at 8:52 AM on May 20, 2013 [5 favorites]
I run a small help desk and this is absolutely part of the job. Sometimes people are having a bad day, sometimes people planned poorly and the technical problem has become urgent because they are backed up to a deadline, sometimes people are just inherently rude.
The way you deal with it is to do what many people have advised already and literally not take it personally because it really doesn't have anything to do with you. Trying to get the people who are reporting issues to you change their behavior will not work. Taking an emotional hit because things aren't working and people are frustrated is something you actively need to talk yourself out of on a regular basis. In my experience few people handle system issues (even user created system issues) with much grace.
The only response that has worked well for me and my team consistently is to reply with extreme professionalism, acknowledge and sympathize with the frustration, and address the technical issue at hand. Do this every time even if they try to suck you into their emotional drama. From a personal standpoint, we sometimes vent to one another and this helps us let go of any negative emotional around the experience and to get additional perspective on the situation.
posted by Kimberly at 8:55 AM on May 20, 2013
The way you deal with it is to do what many people have advised already and literally not take it personally because it really doesn't have anything to do with you. Trying to get the people who are reporting issues to you change their behavior will not work. Taking an emotional hit because things aren't working and people are frustrated is something you actively need to talk yourself out of on a regular basis. In my experience few people handle system issues (even user created system issues) with much grace.
The only response that has worked well for me and my team consistently is to reply with extreme professionalism, acknowledge and sympathize with the frustration, and address the technical issue at hand. Do this every time even if they try to suck you into their emotional drama. From a personal standpoint, we sometimes vent to one another and this helps us let go of any negative emotional around the experience and to get additional perspective on the situation.
posted by Kimberly at 8:55 AM on May 20, 2013
Best answer: It's easy to take things personally when someone is upset with you. Here's what works for me. When a coworker is upset, I try to assess the situation in practical terms, and follow a few different steps depending on what's going on: Did I make a mistake? If yes, how can I fix it? If no, what's really going on here? If this person is just a fussypants, how can I help them calm down? If this person is encountering a systemic/chronic issue, what can I do to bring it to someone's attention to resolve it? Etc.
So, your thought process might look like this:
Did I make a mistake? Yes, I left on Friday without doing XYZ, which meant this woman was locked out of her document over the weekend. How can I fix it? "I'm sorry Maureen, I was focused on something else last Friday and thought updating XYZ could wait until Monday. I apologize for inconveniencing you. Let's compare schedules/projects so that I don't lock you out of files you need in the future."
Or this:
Did I make a mistake? No. Maureen is just being a fussypants because she couldn't figure out some confusing thing about MS Word. How can I help her calm down? "Hey Maureen, I'm sorry you had a stressful weekend. What you ran into is actually part of Word, not internal to our organization. Next time, you can try doing XYZ and your document should work correctly. Sometimes MS Word is weird like that. Let me know if you have any questions."
Or this:
Did I make a mistake? No. Maureen ran into a problem inherent in the way the organization's files are set up. How can I help bring this to someone's attention so we can get it fixed? "Hey Maureen, I'm sorry you had a stressful weekend. You were locked out of your file because of XYZ. That's not something I can fix, but I'm scheduling a meeting with my boss to talk about what we can do to avoid this in the future. Would you like to attend that meeting to share your input?"
The fact is, you will make mistakes sometimes and people will be annoyed with you. It's not life-or-death, it happens to everyone, and you need to develop the skills to assess your mistake and plan a solution. There will also be times when someone is just mad and you're the nearest warm body, and there are skills for addressing that, too. I think the key across the board is to hold the problem at arm's length and do a practical assessment, regardless of your emotional reaction to the situation.
posted by Meg_Murry at 9:00 AM on May 20, 2013 [15 favorites]
So, your thought process might look like this:
Did I make a mistake? Yes, I left on Friday without doing XYZ, which meant this woman was locked out of her document over the weekend. How can I fix it? "I'm sorry Maureen, I was focused on something else last Friday and thought updating XYZ could wait until Monday. I apologize for inconveniencing you. Let's compare schedules/projects so that I don't lock you out of files you need in the future."
Or this:
Did I make a mistake? No. Maureen is just being a fussypants because she couldn't figure out some confusing thing about MS Word. How can I help her calm down? "Hey Maureen, I'm sorry you had a stressful weekend. What you ran into is actually part of Word, not internal to our organization. Next time, you can try doing XYZ and your document should work correctly. Sometimes MS Word is weird like that. Let me know if you have any questions."
Or this:
Did I make a mistake? No. Maureen ran into a problem inherent in the way the organization's files are set up. How can I help bring this to someone's attention so we can get it fixed? "Hey Maureen, I'm sorry you had a stressful weekend. You were locked out of your file because of XYZ. That's not something I can fix, but I'm scheduling a meeting with my boss to talk about what we can do to avoid this in the future. Would you like to attend that meeting to share your input?"
The fact is, you will make mistakes sometimes and people will be annoyed with you. It's not life-or-death, it happens to everyone, and you need to develop the skills to assess your mistake and plan a solution. There will also be times when someone is just mad and you're the nearest warm body, and there are skills for addressing that, too. I think the key across the board is to hold the problem at arm's length and do a practical assessment, regardless of your emotional reaction to the situation.
posted by Meg_Murry at 9:00 AM on May 20, 2013 [15 favorites]
If you want a practical answer, I think it is: you have to take back some power in relation to these people. Saying "I don't appreciate that comment" is weak, it's reactive and it gives them access to you on a level that's not necessary. Instead your message should be, "I understand you are frustrated and I have the power to fix that." You have something they want and you can give it to them. When one of these interactions goes well, this should be a big positive and give you a boost that will carry you over a few of the more rocky ones.
posted by BibiRose at 9:00 AM on May 20, 2013
posted by BibiRose at 9:00 AM on May 20, 2013
Best answer: I understand how you feel, but I also think you're interpreting that kind of comment very differently from the way it's intended.
I mean, you're talking about your feelings, and that's cool, but she's frustrated, too, and she's not wrong to be frustrated. I actually think her note seems very restrained for a person who, in fact, just came all the way to work, making a special trip, and encountered an IT problem that made the entire trip pointless. I'd be frustrated too.
If I could formulate a specific different way for you to approach your feelings about this, I think I'd recommend you think of her as complaining to you, an ally, about a third party: her computer. If I called you and I said, "I just went all the way to my friend's house to get a book she borrowed and she wasn't even there even though I called in advance! Can I borrow yours tomorrow?" you would understand that I wasn't *blaming* you, I was just expressing my frustration with the situation even though I was asking you to help me fix it.
She's asking you for help; she's saying, "I am so frustrated; can you be my ally?" The fact that she's asking you to address it doesn't mean she's blaming you for it. The computer is the faithless friend; you're the rescue. That's how I'd try to flip it in your head.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 9:22 AM on May 20, 2013 [19 favorites]
I mean, you're talking about your feelings, and that's cool, but she's frustrated, too, and she's not wrong to be frustrated. I actually think her note seems very restrained for a person who, in fact, just came all the way to work, making a special trip, and encountered an IT problem that made the entire trip pointless. I'd be frustrated too.
If I could formulate a specific different way for you to approach your feelings about this, I think I'd recommend you think of her as complaining to you, an ally, about a third party: her computer. If I called you and I said, "I just went all the way to my friend's house to get a book she borrowed and she wasn't even there even though I called in advance! Can I borrow yours tomorrow?" you would understand that I wasn't *blaming* you, I was just expressing my frustration with the situation even though I was asking you to help me fix it.
She's asking you for help; she's saying, "I am so frustrated; can you be my ally?" The fact that she's asking you to address it doesn't mean she's blaming you for it. The computer is the faithless friend; you're the rescue. That's how I'd try to flip it in your head.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 9:22 AM on May 20, 2013 [19 favorites]
Best answer: What is a professional and tactful way to be able to say, "I didn't appreciate that comment."? or do I need to just let it go and learn how to deal with the negativity in other ways?
I netadmin a school. When stuff doesn't work, it's my job to fix it and my users are primary school teachers, not IT people. So I'm frequently in receipt of emails consisting of 80% frustration rant and 20% problem description.
Here's the last of a set of three I got the other day:
Now, I had the option of reading "I am spending my whole time sending emails to you reporting faults" as "you're not doing your job, asshole". In fact, as a conscientious support person that was indeed my first reading; I do take it personally when the stuff I'm responsible for maintaining doesn't work right. Which is exactly why, most of the time, it does work right.
Sometimes you just have to remind yourself that not only are you doing your best, but in fact you're doing really good work and that things would be a lot worse for your users if you weren't doing it.
posted by flabdablet at 9:29 AM on May 20, 2013 [11 favorites]
I netadmin a school. When stuff doesn't work, it's my job to fix it and my users are primary school teachers, not IT people. So I'm frequently in receipt of emails consisting of 80% frustration rant and 20% problem description.
Here's the last of a set of three I got the other day:
2009-03-16 will not open powerpointHere's what I sent back:
I am spending my whole time sending emails to you reporting faults. I have
a line of kids who need my help. This is driving me insane. Sorry about
the rant
First I tried reinstalling Office on those three computers. Thatand that particular teacher and I remain on excellent terms.
didn't work; the existing installation was apparently broken enough to
make the uninstaller supplied with Office refuse to remove it.
So I've done some research and worked up a script that painstakingly
removes every trace of Office "by hand", and used that to pave the way
for reinstallation on the three affected computers, which are now
working OK. This also means that should the same fault recur, I can
now have it fixed within ten minutes of finding out about it.
Sorry for the inconvenience. Don't worry about rants. I understand
perfectly how annoying it is when stuff doesn't work, and if you need
to vent that's fine by me.
Cheers
Stephen
Now, I had the option of reading "I am spending my whole time sending emails to you reporting faults" as "you're not doing your job, asshole". In fact, as a conscientious support person that was indeed my first reading; I do take it personally when the stuff I'm responsible for maintaining doesn't work right. Which is exactly why, most of the time, it does work right.
Sometimes you just have to remind yourself that not only are you doing your best, but in fact you're doing really good work and that things would be a lot worse for your users if you weren't doing it.
posted by flabdablet at 9:29 AM on May 20, 2013 [11 favorites]
Meg_Murry has given a very helpful answer. I highly recommend her approach.
posted by maudlin at 9:29 AM on May 20, 2013
posted by maudlin at 9:29 AM on May 20, 2013
... and flabdablet's advice and approach, too. As a fellow sensitive person in IT (development, not support), it really helps to step back and take yourself and your feelings out of the mix. It's hard, but it gets easier with practice.
posted by maudlin at 9:32 AM on May 20, 2013
posted by maudlin at 9:32 AM on May 20, 2013
Can you think of a way that [problem] is your fault?
For example, did you turn the server off in the middle of the workday? If you didn't, then don't accept blame for the fact that the server is off. If you didn't do anything to cause the problem and couldn't realistically have done anything to prevent the problem (someone is about to unplug the server, and you don't stop them), then don't accept any blame for the problem.
If someone who wasn't there/isn't technical/doesn't understand the situation tries to blame you, just remind yourself that it's not your fault. Consider the source.
posted by Solomon at 9:34 AM on May 20, 2013
For example, did you turn the server off in the middle of the workday? If you didn't, then don't accept blame for the fact that the server is off. If you didn't do anything to cause the problem and couldn't realistically have done anything to prevent the problem (someone is about to unplug the server, and you don't stop them), then don't accept any blame for the problem.
If someone who wasn't there/isn't technical/doesn't understand the situation tries to blame you, just remind yourself that it's not your fault. Consider the source.
posted by Solomon at 9:34 AM on May 20, 2013
Best answer: There are two ways you deal with the negativity, one short term and another long term:
1) Realize that people are frustrated because they are feeling a loss of control. As an IT administrator you rarely feel this way because knowing how to work through computer problems is a core competency. For others, it is just something else to deal with and they feel powerless about computer errors. If you quickly empathize with their need to accomplish their goal you often speak directly to what is going on and you build trust and rapport.
2) Help them to understand your situation, but do it gradually. One way is at some point when you are presenting something to the whole group, if appropriate, make a point of sharing how your work is unique in that you interface with all staff in the company. Quip about how those interactions rarely involve anyone reporting that everything is going peachy, but that you aim to serve. When the staff see the broad level of responsibility you have in IT they start to respect more the time demands you are juggling.
posted by dgran at 9:34 AM on May 20, 2013
1) Realize that people are frustrated because they are feeling a loss of control. As an IT administrator you rarely feel this way because knowing how to work through computer problems is a core competency. For others, it is just something else to deal with and they feel powerless about computer errors. If you quickly empathize with their need to accomplish their goal you often speak directly to what is going on and you build trust and rapport.
2) Help them to understand your situation, but do it gradually. One way is at some point when you are presenting something to the whole group, if appropriate, make a point of sharing how your work is unique in that you interface with all staff in the company. Quip about how those interactions rarely involve anyone reporting that everything is going peachy, but that you aim to serve. When the staff see the broad level of responsibility you have in IT they start to respect more the time demands you are juggling.
posted by dgran at 9:34 AM on May 20, 2013
You're the human proxy for hardware and software. Complaining to machines is distinctly unsatisfying. People don't understand how to do it. It is much easier for people to vent their frustration by personifying their malfunctioning or poorly designed hardware/software and then give it the what for. Any human standing in between them and the device can then become the proxy for this personified software (it needs a face), and then this face can reflect and give the person the feedback that they want when complaining.
Personally, I do this all the time. I am a loud talker so it may sound like I am quite angry at the person that is in between me and the broken thing. I can catch myself and qualify that I am not angry at the person, I am angry at the machine and that person happens to be standing in the way. Not everybody can do this.
My recommendation for you is to always shift the blame back where it belongs, to the machines. "That sucks when the software doesn't work." "I hate it when technology fails me as well". "It's too bad the machines aren't as smart as we are." "Why can't computers do what we want when we want them to?" "Why do machines do as we tell them, and not what we want?" etc. Many times if you shift the blame where it belongs, the person will follow up talking about the machine, not the personal experience.
posted by crazycanuck at 9:48 AM on May 20, 2013
Personally, I do this all the time. I am a loud talker so it may sound like I am quite angry at the person that is in between me and the broken thing. I can catch myself and qualify that I am not angry at the person, I am angry at the machine and that person happens to be standing in the way. Not everybody can do this.
My recommendation for you is to always shift the blame back where it belongs, to the machines. "That sucks when the software doesn't work." "I hate it when technology fails me as well". "It's too bad the machines aren't as smart as we are." "Why can't computers do what we want when we want them to?" "Why do machines do as we tell them, and not what we want?" etc. Many times if you shift the blame where it belongs, the person will follow up talking about the machine, not the personal experience.
posted by crazycanuck at 9:48 AM on May 20, 2013
I have to agree that you're being too sensitive, especially in response to this message. You mentioned that the person let you look at it Monday, but you didn't understand the complaint itself, since it didn't seem to be time critical. Would you rather this person have called you at home to come in Sunday night? (That seems infinitely worse to me).
You're not going to be able to make computers problem free. Otherwise, you wouldn't have a job. My experience is that "The Microsoft Word file is not working" is really, really rare. It's usually something else, and the problem can be mitigated with some of the stuff I talk about below.
When people complain, they're complaining about *the thing* not you. You didn't write Microsoft Word. You didn't write the OS. You didn't make the cabling, or the switches, or the IT budget or the servers or anything else.
This is not about you. It's about Microsoft. Users may vent their frustration, but that's different than assigning blame. And assigning blame and *accepting* blame are two different things. If a Word document is corrupted, that's not your fault. If you can't restore that document from the network, that *is* at least partially your fault.
People just want to accomplish the task they set out to do with a minimum of fuss. Your job is to make that happen. The best thing to do it to communicate and provide a solution, a workaround, or even an answer that says you don't know, but you'll keep an eye on it, and if it becomes a trend, you'll do what it takes to fix it. It may involve acknowledging a problem on your end (no auto backups on Word) and promising to fix it going forward. Talk to this person in person if possible. Let them know you care about the issue and want to fix it. Communicate status as you go. Put the solution in an e-mail. Tell them what you plan to DO about it.
If people feel like you'll provide a solution (in most cases) or make an effort (in all cases) you'll get a LOT less complaining, and instead people contacting you with confidence that you'll fix (or at least look at) the issue.
The other thing is address complaints like this by cleaning up your IT services. If you're still running XP and Office 2003, that's a problem. If your cabling is crappy, or you're running Server 2003, you need to modernize. If your copies of Office don't autosave or autobackup by default, setup a Group Policy. If your users aren't saving on to the network where you can backup and save a shadow copy, train them to do it that way. ("I can't restore files if you keep them on your desktop.") If you're not using Shadow Copies, start using them.
posted by cnc at 9:52 AM on May 20, 2013
You're not going to be able to make computers problem free. Otherwise, you wouldn't have a job. My experience is that "The Microsoft Word file is not working" is really, really rare. It's usually something else, and the problem can be mitigated with some of the stuff I talk about below.
When people complain, they're complaining about *the thing* not you. You didn't write Microsoft Word. You didn't write the OS. You didn't make the cabling, or the switches, or the IT budget or the servers or anything else.
This is not about you. It's about Microsoft. Users may vent their frustration, but that's different than assigning blame. And assigning blame and *accepting* blame are two different things. If a Word document is corrupted, that's not your fault. If you can't restore that document from the network, that *is* at least partially your fault.
People just want to accomplish the task they set out to do with a minimum of fuss. Your job is to make that happen. The best thing to do it to communicate and provide a solution, a workaround, or even an answer that says you don't know, but you'll keep an eye on it, and if it becomes a trend, you'll do what it takes to fix it. It may involve acknowledging a problem on your end (no auto backups on Word) and promising to fix it going forward. Talk to this person in person if possible. Let them know you care about the issue and want to fix it. Communicate status as you go. Put the solution in an e-mail. Tell them what you plan to DO about it.
If people feel like you'll provide a solution (in most cases) or make an effort (in all cases) you'll get a LOT less complaining, and instead people contacting you with confidence that you'll fix (or at least look at) the issue.
The other thing is address complaints like this by cleaning up your IT services. If you're still running XP and Office 2003, that's a problem. If your cabling is crappy, or you're running Server 2003, you need to modernize. If your copies of Office don't autosave or autobackup by default, setup a Group Policy. If your users aren't saving on to the network where you can backup and save a shadow copy, train them to do it that way. ("I can't restore files if you keep them on your desktop.") If you're not using Shadow Copies, start using them.
posted by cnc at 9:52 AM on May 20, 2013
You could automate the user requests. Make a simple intranet form for typical problems and at the very bottom of the form leave a field for problem description.
posted by JJ86 at 9:58 AM on May 20, 2013
posted by JJ86 at 9:58 AM on May 20, 2013
Best answer: I think most IT people just internalize their responses to this kind of snottiness. Good ones respond with diplomacy and tact and help anyway. Bad ones send barely-helpful obscure one-line responses and make people crazy.
When a user emails you with "I'm frustrated, possibly because I am stupid or maybe because something is legitimately broken but I do not have the ability to articulate the problem", replying with "I don't appreciate that comment" is going to do you the opposite of good. It's just going to make your day longer.
Consider it a wail of pain, and you are the doctor. Your patients are not at their best when they are in pain. Some people are going to be carried in demanding you fix their broken leg right this minute. You could probably stand there with your hands on your hips until they say please, but you may also get punched in the face, you know? Might as well start the painkillers first and worry about attitude later.
Treat the pain, treat the problem, and - this is my secret weapon - explain the solution. Either document how they can help themselves in the future (I do this with words and screenshots and save it off in Word so I can send it out to other users in the future or put it in a knowledge base), or a basic English-language explanation of what happened and what you did to fix it. Over time, it will train the users to understand that you're not sitting back there flicking a switch from "broken" to "fixed". They may not really understand what you did, but they will learn that there is effort involved.
I believe that dealing with that crappiness is part of the job, it's never not going to be part of IT work. You can do your part to elevate the tone, and you can and should train the users as best you can both in how to report issues and what to expect in terms of response. It does help, and it improves your control.
I know this may not be work you even want to do. I ran a helpdesk for a year and almost never really got bothered even by awful people because it was very specifically my job to deal with them. It's a very different feeling from when you're stuck with the work. All I can advise there is that if you're really stuck, then own it and be In Charge instead of feeling like the company whipping boy for every stupid Word problem that comes along.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:04 AM on May 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
When a user emails you with "I'm frustrated, possibly because I am stupid or maybe because something is legitimately broken but I do not have the ability to articulate the problem", replying with "I don't appreciate that comment" is going to do you the opposite of good. It's just going to make your day longer.
Consider it a wail of pain, and you are the doctor. Your patients are not at their best when they are in pain. Some people are going to be carried in demanding you fix their broken leg right this minute. You could probably stand there with your hands on your hips until they say please, but you may also get punched in the face, you know? Might as well start the painkillers first and worry about attitude later.
Treat the pain, treat the problem, and - this is my secret weapon - explain the solution. Either document how they can help themselves in the future (I do this with words and screenshots and save it off in Word so I can send it out to other users in the future or put it in a knowledge base), or a basic English-language explanation of what happened and what you did to fix it. Over time, it will train the users to understand that you're not sitting back there flicking a switch from "broken" to "fixed". They may not really understand what you did, but they will learn that there is effort involved.
I believe that dealing with that crappiness is part of the job, it's never not going to be part of IT work. You can do your part to elevate the tone, and you can and should train the users as best you can both in how to report issues and what to expect in terms of response. It does help, and it improves your control.
I know this may not be work you even want to do. I ran a helpdesk for a year and almost never really got bothered even by awful people because it was very specifically my job to deal with them. It's a very different feeling from when you're stuck with the work. All I can advise there is that if you're really stuck, then own it and be In Charge instead of feeling like the company whipping boy for every stupid Word problem that comes along.
posted by Lyn Never at 10:04 AM on May 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
Keep in mind that that specific wording in a business email may very well be more about the sender having a record of them being in the office after hours to show their boss why the task wasn't completed on time. It could be more about her covering her ass than about her placing blame on you for something you have no control over on a Sunday night.
posted by elizardbits at 10:07 AM on May 20, 2013
posted by elizardbits at 10:07 AM on May 20, 2013
(Also, my motto is No Favors for Assholes. That user who is a jerk and always gets what he wants by pitching a hissy? Gets what he asked for and nothing more. Good users get above and beyond, and also candy. )
posted by Lyn Never at 10:07 AM on May 20, 2013
posted by Lyn Never at 10:07 AM on May 20, 2013
Am I taking this comment too personally?
Perhaps a more useful question is "when that person wrote that, were they writing about themselves and their feelings or were they trying to impact me and my feelings?"
That's not a blank check for people to dump on you, and as others say above you have a right to your feelings. But the person petitioning you for your help has a right to their feelings as well, don't they? They're having an issue and probably feel powerless. Their only option is to reach out to you and hope you can resolve their issue. And whatever time they have invested in this so far is gone.
So when someone comes at you directly, absolutely, you should say "I understand you're having a bad time of it but please don't take it out on me." But when it's an oblique "this sucks" sort of thing like the example where a person, who has already invested what was likely otherwise going to be their personal time on the weekend, was unable to complete something - think of them as people who are hurting and who need your help.
Surely you've walked up to a counter somewhere and opened with "I've had the worst day and now I can't get my bank card to work" or you've called a tow service and lamented that you're stuck out in the rain or you've expressed frustration to a waiter over a meal that wasn't cooked right. None of those people wronged you, but you wanted them to know you need them to make something right for you. It's probably a bummer for them when the people they interact with are unhappy, but you're not blaming them - you just want some comfort and help.
Your coworkers need your comfort and help. Remind yourself that when they say those things about how hard it is that they want your sympathy and for themselves to feel better - not for you to feel worse. Unless you know them to be crappy people who like to hurt others you can remind yourself that they just want their own experience to be more positive, not for yours to be negative.
Beyond that moment, maybe you need a way to get something other than just the negative reactions. Make a note to follow up the following day with "did that resolve your issue?" Everyone means to write that positive note about great service but mostly they find time to send the one about the really bad service. Make it easy for them to tell you when they're happy and satisfied and everything is working. It'll make you look like more of a star - good for your career - and will let them feel more cared for - good for their overall outlook and less likely to jump right to frustration - as well as letting you savor some of your wins instead of just the problems to fix.
posted by phearlez at 10:09 AM on May 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Perhaps a more useful question is "when that person wrote that, were they writing about themselves and their feelings or were they trying to impact me and my feelings?"
That's not a blank check for people to dump on you, and as others say above you have a right to your feelings. But the person petitioning you for your help has a right to their feelings as well, don't they? They're having an issue and probably feel powerless. Their only option is to reach out to you and hope you can resolve their issue. And whatever time they have invested in this so far is gone.
So when someone comes at you directly, absolutely, you should say "I understand you're having a bad time of it but please don't take it out on me." But when it's an oblique "this sucks" sort of thing like the example where a person, who has already invested what was likely otherwise going to be their personal time on the weekend, was unable to complete something - think of them as people who are hurting and who need your help.
Surely you've walked up to a counter somewhere and opened with "I've had the worst day and now I can't get my bank card to work" or you've called a tow service and lamented that you're stuck out in the rain or you've expressed frustration to a waiter over a meal that wasn't cooked right. None of those people wronged you, but you wanted them to know you need them to make something right for you. It's probably a bummer for them when the people they interact with are unhappy, but you're not blaming them - you just want some comfort and help.
Your coworkers need your comfort and help. Remind yourself that when they say those things about how hard it is that they want your sympathy and for themselves to feel better - not for you to feel worse. Unless you know them to be crappy people who like to hurt others you can remind yourself that they just want their own experience to be more positive, not for yours to be negative.
Beyond that moment, maybe you need a way to get something other than just the negative reactions. Make a note to follow up the following day with "did that resolve your issue?" Everyone means to write that positive note about great service but mostly they find time to send the one about the really bad service. Make it easy for them to tell you when they're happy and satisfied and everything is working. It'll make you look like more of a star - good for your career - and will let them feel more cared for - good for their overall outlook and less likely to jump right to frustration - as well as letting you savor some of your wins instead of just the problems to fix.
posted by phearlez at 10:09 AM on May 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I think that the concept of "emotional work" will be useful to you. As I understand it, "emotional work" denotes jobs in which you are expected not only to have some form of technical or professional skill, but also to manage the emotions/feelings of the people you deal with. These jobs are marked by extreme risk of burnout because the strain of managing people's emotions can get to be intolerable. Your job is on par with social worker, police officer, criminal defense attorney in the way you have to be professionally competent but also have to manage people's emotions.
I don't have any really good suggestions, except that I think it is absolutely necessary to develop some degree of callousness and even a bit of jaded abrasiveness to deflect these brickbats that come your way. I actually think it is an occupational necessity that you learn to "give as good as you get." You may find that this job is just not for you. I believe some people are just too sensitive to deal with other people's anger in this way, and that it goes against the grain of their personalities to deal with this kind of abuse.
And no, I don't think you're being "too sensitive." People who vent and rant about their computer problems cannot reasonably expect you to not be affected by their negative energy. You cannot WILL yourself to not be affected by this bad energy. It's like your colleagues are aiming a fire hose right next to you and wondering why you complain about getting wet.
This bit from crazycanuck really exemplifies the problem:
Personally, I do this all the time. I am a loud talker so it may sound like I am quite angry at the person that is in between me and the broken thing. I can catch myself and qualify that I am not angry at the person, I am angry at the machine and that person happens to be standing in the way. Not everybody can do this.
No matter how one explains that one is not angry at tech support (or whatever emotional worker one is dealing with) this kind of stuff is emotionally jarring and upsetting to the person one is dealing with. The solution for clients who don't want to cause this kind of upset to tech support is to not act angry around them, even angry at the situation or computer.
I'm sorry, in my opinion there are no easy answers other than to callous yourself, be a bit abrasive, and maybe find another job. Managing people's emotions is just not a suitable job for many of us.
posted by Unified Theory at 10:24 AM on May 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
I don't have any really good suggestions, except that I think it is absolutely necessary to develop some degree of callousness and even a bit of jaded abrasiveness to deflect these brickbats that come your way. I actually think it is an occupational necessity that you learn to "give as good as you get." You may find that this job is just not for you. I believe some people are just too sensitive to deal with other people's anger in this way, and that it goes against the grain of their personalities to deal with this kind of abuse.
And no, I don't think you're being "too sensitive." People who vent and rant about their computer problems cannot reasonably expect you to not be affected by their negative energy. You cannot WILL yourself to not be affected by this bad energy. It's like your colleagues are aiming a fire hose right next to you and wondering why you complain about getting wet.
This bit from crazycanuck really exemplifies the problem:
Personally, I do this all the time. I am a loud talker so it may sound like I am quite angry at the person that is in between me and the broken thing. I can catch myself and qualify that I am not angry at the person, I am angry at the machine and that person happens to be standing in the way. Not everybody can do this.
No matter how one explains that one is not angry at tech support (or whatever emotional worker one is dealing with) this kind of stuff is emotionally jarring and upsetting to the person one is dealing with. The solution for clients who don't want to cause this kind of upset to tech support is to not act angry around them, even angry at the situation or computer.
I'm sorry, in my opinion there are no easy answers other than to callous yourself, be a bit abrasive, and maybe find another job. Managing people's emotions is just not a suitable job for many of us.
posted by Unified Theory at 10:24 AM on May 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I'm an IT guy, and Get An Earful all the time. Last week one of the HVAC guys, Tony, wandered by my office door and asked how I was. I replied, "Fine, other than it was 77 in my office all day yesterday with no air." [Note that my office building's A/C & heat have been on the fritz for....ever?]
As soon as it was out of my mouth I realized that he was just making idle chit-chat, and I had to hurry to add something human and humane and social.
Everyone dumps on the face/voice of their annoyance. You can choose to internalize this, or think of it as akin to the spray of mist that whales make when they come to the surface: don't get any on you, and ignore the volume.
If you are up for some extra judo, pivot on it and make their frustration into your shared, common enemy. Nothing builds camaraderie like a common opponent, and as soon as you agree that a technical problem is awful and something external to you, then you and the caller are suddenly compatriots in a struggle against cruel indifference. Works every time!
posted by wenestvedt at 12:05 PM on May 20, 2013
As soon as it was out of my mouth I realized that he was just making idle chit-chat, and I had to hurry to add something human and humane and social.
Everyone dumps on the face/voice of their annoyance. You can choose to internalize this, or think of it as akin to the spray of mist that whales make when they come to the surface: don't get any on you, and ignore the volume.
If you are up for some extra judo, pivot on it and make their frustration into your shared, common enemy. Nothing builds camaraderie like a common opponent, and as soon as you agree that a technical problem is awful and something external to you, then you and the caller are suddenly compatriots in a struggle against cruel indifference. Works every time!
posted by wenestvedt at 12:05 PM on May 20, 2013
Best answer: Hello from a fellow expert-blaming target. Wow, what a fantastic thread this is.
I think academics have been studying this for a while under the name "Emotional labor". At least it seems like a highly related concept. A quick round of googling even found this: Emotional Labour and IT Services - De Montfort University IT
posted by yoHighness at 12:10 PM on May 20, 2013
I think academics have been studying this for a while under the name "Emotional labor". At least it seems like a highly related concept. A quick round of googling even found this: Emotional Labour and IT Services - De Montfort University IT
posted by yoHighness at 12:10 PM on May 20, 2013
Response by poster: Thanks everyone for your answers. I am feeling a lot better about this situation and ones I will encounter in the future.
I've marked the answers that resonated with me the most, offered practical exercises, or didn't say something along the lines of "toughen up, sister" because like Unified_Theory said, I cannot just WILL myself to not be hurt by some frustrated comments I get at work.
Thanks again.
posted by daisies at 12:51 PM on May 20, 2013
I've marked the answers that resonated with me the most, offered practical exercises, or didn't say something along the lines of "toughen up, sister" because like Unified_Theory said, I cannot just WILL myself to not be hurt by some frustrated comments I get at work.
Thanks again.
posted by daisies at 12:51 PM on May 20, 2013
One thing I'll add is that it's helpful to be really cheerful and welcoming on the phone. It's harder to dump on someone who says Good Morning, Helpdesk, this is Jane cheerfully. Make sure your email has a useful auto-reply. Your mail has been received and a ticket has been created to track your request. IT Support hours are 8:3 - 5, Mon - Fri. and your voicemail This is Daisies in IT Support. Today, Monday May 20, there's a current Internet outage. IT systems admins are actively working on the issue. I find that it helps to have genuine empathy, easy because I know what a drag it is to have a needed application borked, or a file get corrupted. Get to know the callers if you can, once you have a relationship with the high maintenance Admin in Accounting, she'll be nicer to you. Try to make callers feel smarter, not stupid, Oh, I hate when Outlook does that, let me show you a few ways to get around it. When callers hear you answer, and they start saying Oh, Daisies, I'm so glad it's you, you'll like your job better.
posted by theora55 at 1:09 PM on May 20, 2013
posted by theora55 at 1:09 PM on May 20, 2013
Response by poster: One thing to note, since I failed to make it clear in my original post, is that I am not a 100% IT Support person. I actually work in web development and design but I happen to also provide minor in house tech support because it is a business with only about 60 employees.
posted by daisies at 1:12 PM on May 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by daisies at 1:12 PM on May 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
I was actually wondering how that works with setting the boundaries between roles. A separate Outlook profile with the support address and a mailfilter/folder for each of the 60 users? Do you have a separate email address for tech enquiries? Was thinking that might help with the grounding before opening new support emails.
By the way, Autotext expanders can be both timesaver, and your reply to some annoying message can be mostly keyboard shortcuts, very satisfying. There are free ones. (Though I actually still type "Thanks" by hand for some reason.)
posted by yoHighness at 4:10 PM on May 20, 2013
By the way, Autotext expanders can be both timesaver, and your reply to some annoying message can be mostly keyboard shortcuts, very satisfying. There are free ones. (Though I actually still type "Thanks" by hand for some reason.)
posted by yoHighness at 4:10 PM on May 20, 2013
They think you are a magic IT person who can wave a (digital) wand and make everything work, instantly, from wherever you are. It's the fault of the advancement of the technology. Non-IT people tend not to understand what can be done immediately and remotely and what can't.
It's nearly as bad for librarians (patron: "I need this book yesterday," and it's not an e-book).
posted by bad grammar at 6:07 PM on May 20, 2013
It's nearly as bad for librarians (patron: "I need this book yesterday," and it's not an e-book).
posted by bad grammar at 6:07 PM on May 20, 2013
They think you are a magic IT person who can wave a (digital) wand and make everything work, instantly, from wherever you are
And not only can you do that, you can retroactively extract the text of any error message they've ever seen directly from their brains using remote telepathy, without them ever having had to pay any attention to any of those ever.
Man, you are badass.
posted by flabdablet at 9:24 PM on May 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
And not only can you do that, you can retroactively extract the text of any error message they've ever seen directly from their brains using remote telepathy, without them ever having had to pay any attention to any of those ever.
Man, you are badass.
posted by flabdablet at 9:24 PM on May 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by xingcat at 7:56 AM on May 20, 2013 [12 favorites]