Question of a lifetime, I pour my heart. Warning: long post

May 11, 2013 9:48 PM

Its a long read, but as you dive into it, you'll breeze through it. 1st off, this is 100% honest about everything you will read. I really need help about a girl, we'll call her Sonja.

My name is Ryan and I met Sonja during high school 2006. I was a sophomore and she was a senior. It really was love at 1st sight, this girl was amazing. Sweet, nice, cute, petite, and soooo smart, she graduated Valedictorian. Anyways, I tried to do everything with her: I walked her to many classes and always watched her during lunch, creepy, i know -- but I meant well. People made fun of me because it was soooooo obvious I liked this girl. I didn't care, the time spent hanging out was great. Time went by and became pretty good friends, of course I wanted more; but I was chubby and scared and pretty immature, I had no chance. I wasn't going to ruin anything by taking a chance.

It was her last semester, and before she graduated, she mentioned the University she was going to attend; University of Evansville. I told her congrats, be safe, and don't forget about me!

As mentioned before, I had 2 years left. Well, during these 2 years I was in high school and she was in college. I NEVER forgot about her. I thought about this girl those 2 long years. I dont remember how I got her AIM username, but I got it. I finally grew a pair after a couple of days and I messaged her in AIM.

I got a reply.

She seemed very excited to hear from me. I felt warm and wonderful when she replied. I became almost shocked to know that she didn't forget about a chubby, creepy kid from awhile back. We would chat for HOURS almost every other day. As soon as I got home from school, I logged onto my AIM and waited....for hours on end, EVERYDAY; for her to get online. I would almost giggle when I saw her icon turn a bright orange, indicating her online.

We had wonderful conversations for anywhere from 1 hour to 4 hours easily. Talked about what was she up to lately, what projects is she working on, is college really like the movies, and how is everything in general. I loved everything she said.

Well for the TWO years, we were like this. We talked and chatted and I was ok with that.

I did NOT date ANY girl, I have NOT kissed any girl, I did NOT talk to any other girl during ANY of high school. As ignorant as it sounded, I kind of made this far away girl somewhat more of a friend, even though we both didn't know...

Moving to 2008, 2 years after she graduated, my graduation came up. I was excited about it all, graduation, friends, and the upcoming college experience. Well, I graduated with a very good GPA, and many schools in Indiana offered me really good scholarships. But I only applied to ONE school, the school I wanted to go to...the University of Evansville.

I told my parents I wanted to go to U.E. They exactly knew why I wanted to go there; to chase this girl. I just had to see her again...just see her. They BOTH almost yelled at me not to go there and commit this idiocy. My father sat me down and "man" talked me.

"Ryan, don't do it, you're only looking for a tremendous heartbreak. You know nothing of this girl and plus, it has been TWO years since you have seen her. Don't do it son," my father told me.

I loved them a little more for worrying about me, but my mind AND heart were set. I applied to U.E. and 1 week later, I got accepted. I was ecstatic. I now had the chance to see her again..at least see her.

One day, during our chats, she mentioned, "so what school did you end up deciding on?" I replied, "You may have heard of it, it is down south, called University of Evansville." (i was trying to be funny and cute). She became so happy apparently, all I got was smiles hahaha.

I get there in August, a new freshman on campus. the only thing on my mind was this girl.

When I set foot on campus, I immediately made plans to see her. When I saw her car pull up, I got so nervous and sweaty. She stepped out and she was just as pretty as ever. I hug her so hard, her limbs almost fly off. I told her, "Im here, we should hang out." Remember, still friends.

October rolls around, 2 months after I arrived, things toned down a bit actually. I was busy with school and she worked ALOT after school. Well, during october, I got fed up...almost a little mad. I take her out for a long walk around campus quite late and asked her, "Sonja, would you like to be my girlfriend?" She replies, "No, I cant do that right now."

I wanted to die.....

We still talked the rest of that month, but somehow, it wasn't the same. I (excuse my French) fucked up. That is how I felt.

I later found out she had a boyfriend, but was having major issues with him. Im guessing that is what she meant by not right now.

November 2nd, late - around 2 in the morning, we were hanging out and she drops this on me; "I am your girlfriend Ryan." Nov 2nd is our anniversary.

The following 2 years (2008 - 2010) were amazing. Dates, movies, friends, learning, experiences, and alot of firsts for me. I lost my virginity with her, she gave me my 1st kiss also, my 1st experience with alcohol, and the social aspects of life. (I was still very isolated and scared, even in college) This girl was my everything, this girl is fucking fantastic. We went together like PB&J.

Well, remember shes 2 years ahead of me? She graduated college and was going to move back to Indianapolis for an amazing job she was offered. I was not ready to lose her again for another two years, maybe even lose her to another man because she would've been with what I'm guessing are awesome engineering dudes in this new job. (male dominated industry BTW)

I transferred...to the downtown Indy University. Lots of people say I'm am very stupid for doing so. U.E was a private school...I.U was public. A LOT of credits will not transfer I was warned by the counselors. I didn't care, this girl was too important. She means to much to me. (Yes, even though we were together, i am THAT scared of losing her) I transferred with only about 15% of my credits. Of course I became very upset and a lot of people hated me, but I didn't care. I got to say very near my girl.

I moved in with her at her new place. I took my new classes like normal, got a new all night job, and we still dated. I became very comfortable with her. 2011 was hard. Because I got comfortable with her, I didn't see her a lot, due to a variety of reasons -- me doing something else, or other things got in the way (work, school, or life). Comfortable in the sense that because she was mine, nothing would happen between us.

Sonja was becoming unhappy. She became sad. She would always tell me that I need to spend time with her, that I need to give her more attention. I felt like I was fulfilling those things by me just living there. So I did the minimum with her, had dinner, watched a movie, then I put her to sleep. It was like that for a long time. She had established a career and I still was in school and going to a shitty 3rd shift job that had me tired all the time. We spent very little time together. I was not being the man she dreams of.

She wanted to do things, explore the city, road trip, and see new experiences. My job and my finances couldn't allow that. I didn't know at the time, but I was losing her...

Now, 2013, rolls around. One month ago, April 2013, she sat me down and told me. "Ryan, you need time to grow and develop. We are not on the same page anymore. I can tell we have different priorities. Evansville was amazing, but the bubble we had there does not exist here in Indianapolis. I am breaking up with you...but we can still be great friends."

I wanted to die then and there. My heart was racing: here this girl of mine for 4 years, the girl that said to me nothing was going to ruin us, this relationship; had just broke up with me. I cried like a damn baby.

I moved in back with my old man, and didn't tell him anything. He never asked, I was glad though, I did not want to talk about it.

We still talked and hanged out. Even kissed every once in awhile. I still felt with her.

I LOST THIS WOMAN. THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. THE "ONE"

I fucked up. I didn't give her the attention she asked for, the solutions to the questions she asked, and did not complete the all the favors she asked of me.

I begged her to try one more time. To try us again. I wanted to show her that whole heartedly I realized my screw-ups and shortcomings. The fact that I wanted to show her my true love and support again once again. I really really do realize all my mistakes and I want her to be mine again.

"No, I am not ready for us again in the next 6 weeks, or even in the next 6 months. You need to grow. You need to see other people. You need to have another girl because I am the only you've ever had." She says.

I do NOT want any other girl in this world, I want her. I have grown, I have matured, and I fully realize everything I did.

I cant make her realize this...I am scared she will get with someone else. She is truly beautiful and smart, ANY guy would fall for her.

I talked to her very recently because I miss having her around me soooo badly. I tried one more time talking to her about how I made mistakes and how I wished she would try just ONE more time...it would be her last try because I can promise her happiness again. She said she just cant try again right now.

She said she started talking to another man and she said she doesn't know where it could go. I felt a sharp pain in my chest. I was at a loss for words. This is only 4 weeks after the breakup and she very well could have a potential boyfriend.

After every detail Metafilter, here is the question:

How do I win this girl back? I am so terrified by the thought of another man taking and having her. She is my woman, my everything, my whole life. 4 years just like that. I realize this now and I am so sorry for everything. I was being a boy, when now I want to be a man for her. I can promise her a wonderful life again, but she will not try. I could very well lose this girl to another man.

I have not done anything with any girl, ever..I don't know how any other "tastes" and loves.

I don't want to. I had a great woman, and I fucked it all up.

Please help me...I am at a loss.

I want to marry her, start a family, and live our live together. That dream may be in jeopardy. I feel like only I deserve her.

I am so scared...truly terrified that I will lose so much

Thank you for reading, truly I thank you....

any replies, comments, suggestions, and advice will be read...

I am sorry about the formatting, I dont know where else to go... if you'd like to maybe know more or actually talk to me, I am on the computer quite frequently, send me a message.

posted by heavyp08 to Human Relations (8 answers total)

There's nothing you can do to win her back. She is an adult person and she has made up her mind; there are no tricks you can do to change that. All you can do is use this as a learning experience for your next relationship.
posted by kitty teeth at 10:03 PM on May 11, 2013 [3 favorites]

Honestly... you need to stop trying to get her back, for now. Don't be friends with her right now; take some time and space to breathe. Any guy she ends up with 4 weeks after you two break up is most likely a rebound, you shouldn't worry about that. But still, you need to give her time to heal and stop trying to win her back after she's already said "no."

My suggestion... stop talking to her for at least six months. If you still feel like you want to try again, contact her and see how she feels.
posted by Autumn at 10:04 PM on May 11, 2013

I can see from your description that you are having a really hard time. Please take my comment as helpful rather than critical....it is sometime hard when a person has only one experience with a person to really tell the difference between love and obsession. You became fixated on her to the exclusion of all else and that has affected you decision making for the last 4 years.....it happens to lots of people. Your story doesn't read like "love" to me. It reads like you had a crush that she kinda encouraged and then you two have done this kind of playing at being in a relationship without actually being in one thing.

I think it would be really helpful for you to talk with someone who has no investment in the outcome other than you finding the truth for yourself. Honestly, your friend does not sound like she knows the truth either. She is giving you mixed messages. In my experience these things never end with anybody remaining friends let alone married.

I hope you can find some peace at some point with all of this.
posted by cairnoflore at 10:05 PM on May 11, 2013

I had to do a search on this page for a question mark. That said...

How do I win this girl back?

I'm shocked that this is your question, rather than, "How do I get over her and get on with my life?" And to do that, you stop thinking about it like a game, or a competition, or "having" her. Try to look at it objectively-- how hopelessly naïve "promising her happiness" is. No one can promise that. Sometimes we just fuck things up irrevocably (by scaring someone off), or they were never there to begin with. She told you she doesn't want to be with you in a romantic sense. It hurts, but you get over it. Everyone does.

You're young. There is no "one", especially if everything goes to shit with the person you think is your "one". And ESPECIALLY especially if she's made it clear she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. (And spending the rest of your life together? Come on. Take it one step at a time; you're barely standing yet, much less walking.) The only way this doesn't turn out terribly for both of you (yes, even more terribly) is you respecting her decision. And you start by SERIOUSLY reevaluating sentiments like this, which are scarily misogynistic:

I am so terrified by the thought of another man taking and having her. She is my woman, my everything, my whole life.

No one "deserves" anyone else. You need things like therapy. New hobbies. Female friends that you aren't interested in (mostly to help cure you of some weirdly outdated attitudes about women). Zero contact. Whatever it takes to stop fixating on this girl.
posted by supercres at 10:06 PM on May 11, 2013 [2 favorites]

As desperately as you want to be with this girl, you will not win her back with grand gestures or pleading. She wants to split up. I know it seems like you won't be able to survive without her, but you have to let her go. When she says you need some time to grow and live, I think she is right. Please don't take this the wrong way, but you are young and desperate and your emotions are raging out of control, and I can't really blame her for wanting to step away from somebody who is so in love with her that it's a little scary. I don't mean you would ever hurt her, or that she thinks you would. But you are almost like a duckling who has imprinted on his mother... She is your first love, your first everything, and part of the reason why you are in such a frenzy not to lose her is because you have no idea what else is out there.

If you are ever going to be with her again (and there's no guarantee that's possible) you need to do the exact opposite of what your instincts are telling you. You need to stop chasing her, and stop trying to make this relationship work. You need to tell her that you love her, but that you respect her decision. You need to back way off, and maybe not talk to her for months or years. You need to learn to live without her, and to experience the world.

Maybe someday, you will come back into each other's lives and you will have both matured into people who are just right for each other. But you are not right for each other now. She sees that, and you need to listen to her.

This is going to hurt, a lot. I'm sorry. But it will get better. You have your whole life ahead of you. Go live it.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 10:07 PM on May 11, 2013 [1 favorite]

I can only tell you what would do it for me. It's not just a cliche that real love survives time and space. The essence of it does, and for me this essence is what matters, no matter the myriad experiments properly given while we're young. Thoreau nailed it when he wrote, "The only cure for love is to love more." Become a student of love. Be the very best friend you can be and show her that you can see beyond her to a life that takes her in, all of her.
posted by R2WeTwo at 10:09 PM on May 11, 2013 [1 favorite]

I was being a boy, when now I want to be a man for her.

Sometimes you become a man by going through painful losses. Getting to be "a man" can kind of suck. This may be the sort of experience that makes you into a man, because you'll experience the very adult lesson that sometimes the things a person cares most about don't work out.

So far, you've taken all the actions that nobody would advise -- creepily staring at the girl at lunch, then choosing your college based on her, then moving to a new school with 15% of credits because of her. You talk about her as a possession rather than a human being (e.g. all the stuff about her being "yours"). Somehow it worked out for you anyway. You got pretty damn lucky, because most of the chubby kids (no offense, that's how you describe yourself) who follow the hot valedictorian to college, applying only to her school just to follow her, don't end up dating her. It seems like, you took all the ill-advised choices and got lucky until one day you weren't lucky anymore.

It's hard to give advice in this case because everything you've done so far is what nobody would advise. The standard advice here would be, "Let her go, she's stated her wishes." There isn't really another answer. You already tried talking, begging, and crying, which didn't work. Typically this isn't the sort of situation you can control, no matter how much you would want to.

PS, I hope you changed the names in this story, because the details are pretty identifying.
posted by htid at 10:11 PM on May 11, 2013 [1 favorite]

Dan Savage likes to say that there is no "The One." There's the 0.7 or 0.55 that we round up to 1.0. Your evidence that she is not The One is that she broke up with you. If you were totally perfect for each other and you didn't have any problems, she wouldn't have done that.

No one should be anyone's "everything." That's way too much pressure to put on another person and it's not healthy. You put a ton of pressure on this relationship to work and it didn't because it's unhealthy. Work on getting healthy. You can't have an adult relationship until you're healthy.

Look around at the people you know who have good relationships with romantic partners. It is really rare that you end up with the first person you start seeing romantically, because you need to grow up. So get to it. It sucks and it hurts but if it's meant to be, it'll work out and if not, something better will come around.
posted by kat518 at 10:14 PM on May 11, 2013 [2 favorites]