Social Math: 1+1=/=1
April 3, 2013 7:57 AM Subscribe
Suggestions for nice things to do for the couples who are nice to you (especially when you're single and kind of broke)?
I have four friends (two couples) who are terrifically generous—they give me a ride home when the bus isn’t running (I don’t drive) and they’ve invited me over for dinner multiple times. I’ve tried to give them gas money, but no dice there. I’ve cooked for them, but I can’t always do so thanks to a fairly limited budget. If it were a one-to-one thing, I could probably manage it, but it's tougher to swing when I'm covering more than one.
Do you have any suggestions for other thoughtful ways to reciprocate their generosity?
I have four friends (two couples) who are terrifically generous—they give me a ride home when the bus isn’t running (I don’t drive) and they’ve invited me over for dinner multiple times. I’ve tried to give them gas money, but no dice there. I’ve cooked for them, but I can’t always do so thanks to a fairly limited budget. If it were a one-to-one thing, I could probably manage it, but it's tougher to swing when I'm covering more than one.
Do you have any suggestions for other thoughtful ways to reciprocate their generosity?
Let them know you'd be happy to look after their apartment/house/pet/plants/mail when they go away.
posted by cocoagirl at 8:10 AM on April 3, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by cocoagirl at 8:10 AM on April 3, 2013 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Be chill and spend time with them, mostly. I'm always really grateful to the friends who let me pay to make it easier for them to do stuff with me without it having to be awkward.
posted by 168 at 8:11 AM on April 3, 2013 [8 favorites]
posted by 168 at 8:11 AM on April 3, 2013 [8 favorites]
Best answer: What about baking something? Could be dessert, or could be something simpler like banana bread. It's a very thoughtful gesture, clearly demonstrates that you appreciate everything they do for you, and shouldn't break the bank in the process!
posted by lumiere at 8:20 AM on April 3, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by lumiere at 8:20 AM on April 3, 2013 [4 favorites]
Best answer: You can return the dinner invitation by inviting them to do some other less expensive but fun thing with you, like hiking or going for a bike ride or a free day at a museum or a free concert in the park, instead of making them dinner in return.
If you all just like to have dinner together, and you want to be completely even and fair, you could just invite them to dinner 1/2 as often as they invite you.
posted by steinwald at 8:47 AM on April 3, 2013
If you all just like to have dinner together, and you want to be completely even and fair, you could just invite them to dinner 1/2 as often as they invite you.
posted by steinwald at 8:47 AM on April 3, 2013
Best answer: Thank you cards are a bit old fashioned, but everyone appreciates them tremendously.
You don't need to send one for being given a ride home, but a nice dinner? Certainly.
Card and a stamp. Buy a stack of both, and have them ready to go at any time. If you have to go buy a card and a stamp, it's much less likely to happen.
posted by Capt. Renault at 8:51 AM on April 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
You don't need to send one for being given a ride home, but a nice dinner? Certainly.
Card and a stamp. Buy a stack of both, and have them ready to go at any time. If you have to go buy a card and a stamp, it's much less likely to happen.
posted by Capt. Renault at 8:51 AM on April 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
When they invite you for dinner, show up with a nice bottle of wine or dessert or flowers. If they are the sort to accept help chopping the onions or clearing up afterwards, pitch in. If you bake, take cookies or brownies or bread. If you sew, give them matching aprons for xmas.
Things as little as "Hey, you guys mentioned you loved Monty Python but had never seen Life of Brian, so I thought I'd lend you my DVD," are nice.
You can also host reciprocal events that are not as elaborate or expensive as dinner: game night, movie night, etc - with booze, coffee, baked goods or popcorn. You can also organize outings - picnics, free summer events such as outdoor movies and concerts, etc - that take a little time to put together but aren't costly.
All that said I wouldn't worry about this a lot. They clearly enjoy playing host and enjoy having you as a guest and enjoy doing kind things. You don't have to reciprocate in exactly the same fashion, just in a way that shows you appreciate them and also want to do nice things back. Do the nice things that make sense for your budget and personality, that they would most likely appreciate.
posted by bunderful at 8:52 AM on April 3, 2013
Things as little as "Hey, you guys mentioned you loved Monty Python but had never seen Life of Brian, so I thought I'd lend you my DVD," are nice.
You can also host reciprocal events that are not as elaborate or expensive as dinner: game night, movie night, etc - with booze, coffee, baked goods or popcorn. You can also organize outings - picnics, free summer events such as outdoor movies and concerts, etc - that take a little time to put together but aren't costly.
All that said I wouldn't worry about this a lot. They clearly enjoy playing host and enjoy having you as a guest and enjoy doing kind things. You don't have to reciprocate in exactly the same fashion, just in a way that shows you appreciate them and also want to do nice things back. Do the nice things that make sense for your budget and personality, that they would most likely appreciate.
posted by bunderful at 8:52 AM on April 3, 2013
Best answer: Thank you notes are a great idea, especially for bigger events like a dinner party. Even an email the next day to say you had a great time and the food was delicious is great. Also, when you come over for dinner, help do the dishes.
You could also bring something homemade over for birthdays/holidays: cookies, spiced cocktail nuts, marmalade, pickles, ice cream, etc. And send a birthday card--it's personal and thoughtful, but not expensive.
When you do stuff together, you can take pictures and make a nice digital album to send them (but don't post it publicly without everyone's consent). If they have a garden, you could offer to come over and help weed, or help with projects around the house.
posted by pompelmo at 9:15 AM on April 3, 2013
You could also bring something homemade over for birthdays/holidays: cookies, spiced cocktail nuts, marmalade, pickles, ice cream, etc. And send a birthday card--it's personal and thoughtful, but not expensive.
When you do stuff together, you can take pictures and make a nice digital album to send them (but don't post it publicly without everyone's consent). If they have a garden, you could offer to come over and help weed, or help with projects around the house.
posted by pompelmo at 9:15 AM on April 3, 2013
Just be happy and thankful. they know you don't have any cash, the reason they're helping is because they like you and want you to be happy. so the best thing you can do is to signal to them that you're glad they like you, and that their efforts are actually helping. ergo, the happiness and thankfulness.
posted by facetious at 9:18 AM on April 3, 2013
posted by facetious at 9:18 AM on April 3, 2013
Best answer: Bake cookies. Seriously, 12 good homemade cookies or a plate of brownies buys you so many more lifts than you'd imagine. (And I don't care what anyone says: Betty Crocker brownies or Duncan Heinze cookies totally count as homemade. Nobody will ask and nobody has to know.)
posted by DarlingBri at 9:21 AM on April 3, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 9:21 AM on April 3, 2013 [4 favorites]
If your budget is tight, can you have them over but cook something inexpensive? Pasta without meat, something bean or lentil based, etc? I wouldn't even notice that you picked something less expensive to serve, and if I did notice (or you pointed it out), I wouldn't care or I'd think it was wise of you to stay within your budget.
I agree that house-sitting is a really, really generous thing to do if you are able to - it's so great to have someone you trust do that!
I have a friend who always starts washing dishes after dinner, without asking, at my house. I would be weirded out if a not-close friend did that, but we're super close so I think it's awesome and I really appreciate the help! If you can help clean up after dinner parties, that is often very appreciated.
posted by insectosaurus at 9:41 AM on April 3, 2013
I agree that house-sitting is a really, really generous thing to do if you are able to - it's so great to have someone you trust do that!
I have a friend who always starts washing dishes after dinner, without asking, at my house. I would be weirded out if a not-close friend did that, but we're super close so I think it's awesome and I really appreciate the help! If you can help clean up after dinner parties, that is often very appreciated.
posted by insectosaurus at 9:41 AM on April 3, 2013
Best answer: Writing a heartfelt card or letter is something people rarely do, and people always notice.
posted by xingcat at 10:24 AM on April 3, 2013
posted by xingcat at 10:24 AM on April 3, 2013
Best answer: Help them out when they need to move, build a fence, etc. It doesn't have to be giving them stuff. But most of all, just be a good friend.
posted by photoexplorer at 11:46 AM on April 3, 2013
posted by photoexplorer at 11:46 AM on April 3, 2013
Best answer: look to "peasant" and "ethnic" cuisines for recipes that are (1) labour-intensive (2) crazy-cheap (3) delicious
& show up when they are doing their scut work like repairing their porch, if they are in the class that does their own scut work
& ask if you can come by to visit, at, oh, 1:30ish to three-something, some hour that makes clear that you needn't be fed or given a cocktail. Obviously they like you and enjoy your company if they keep having you round for meals, so, give them 'you' without any obligations. Can you host pot-luck dinners in your home? A pot luck, even though I have to make something, still feels like a favour as I'm not the one who has to clean my house and deal with the dishes, and also not the one who had to invite people and otherwise ensure I'm entertained; I'm thrilled to bust out a quiche or whatever for somebody else's hospitality. Broke =! can't entertain.
posted by kmennie at 12:59 PM on April 3, 2013
& show up when they are doing their scut work like repairing their porch, if they are in the class that does their own scut work
& ask if you can come by to visit, at, oh, 1:30ish to three-something, some hour that makes clear that you needn't be fed or given a cocktail. Obviously they like you and enjoy your company if they keep having you round for meals, so, give them 'you' without any obligations. Can you host pot-luck dinners in your home? A pot luck, even though I have to make something, still feels like a favour as I'm not the one who has to clean my house and deal with the dishes, and also not the one who had to invite people and otherwise ensure I'm entertained; I'm thrilled to bust out a quiche or whatever for somebody else's hospitality. Broke =! can't entertain.
posted by kmennie at 12:59 PM on April 3, 2013
I know that for my wife and I, it makes us feel a little more grown-up to be able to host once in a while without having to consider splitting costs with guests - whether single folk or couples. I'll ditto what others have said here about your friends seeming to genuinely enjoy your company and being unconcerned about you throwing in any dough. Also yes to: just stay the cool person you are, offer normal real friendship helps, and let them know that you genuinely enjoy their company too.
posted by attercoppe at 5:10 AM on April 4, 2013
posted by attercoppe at 5:10 AM on April 4, 2013
I am close friends with one couple who both make significantly more than I do. They are always doing things like inviting me out to dinner with them and then paying for me, despite my protests, having me over to dinner at their house, etc. I was worried at one point that they were doing this out of some sort of pity that I didn't make as much money as they did (Luckily I do still have a job, etc but money-wise things are pretty tight) but then I realized that they honestly didn't see things like paying for my dinner, etc as feeling pity for me- they approach it as "if we're inviting her out, we should pay for it" and likewise with inviting me to their place for dinner. In return, I house/cat-sit for them often and we also spend time doing activities that are much closer to free- biking, going to the beach, etc.
posted by kro at 10:46 AM on April 5, 2013
posted by kro at 10:46 AM on April 5, 2013
Response by poster: Some great suggestions, everyone. I particularly like the baked goods idea. Thanks!
posted by xenization at 10:30 AM on April 9, 2013
posted by xenization at 10:30 AM on April 9, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
It's pretty obvious who the takers are, and who's just a little tight in the wallet. Be generous with your time, your friendship, and your love and money aint a thing. Anyone that keeps score with some social math isn't your friend; they're a social business partner.
posted by bfranklin at 8:05 AM on April 3, 2013 [14 favorites]