I don't know why I am having anxiety about my happy relationship?

April 2, 2013 7:11 AM

I have been with my boyfriend for going on 11 months now. We have gone through many changes in that time. Initially, he was very talkative, we talked on the phone all night, and it felt like that fairy-tale feeling. I know that doesn't last. Also, please don't judge me on my other posts. I do only seem to reach out when I am very stressed and upset because I don't get a lot of support from the other people around me, or they don't know how to support me. Anyways, we met online and when we met we hit it off and ended up in a relationship. Yes, this is very unlike me. I don't like to rush like that... but it happened. Immediately after he wanted to scale back the intensity and seemed to be thinking hard about whether he could handle the relationship. Eventually, after 3-4 months of this push-pull from him... he stopped being evasive, stopped canceling, wanted to be with me, we were laughing more than fighting, so from the end of the fourth month to the sixth up till the ninth month we were together, he still had not told me he loved me. Or indicated any deeper feelings. I started to wonder... and be a bit hurt by it. I knew I loved him, or did I? What if he didn't love me back? I wondered... is this love? I was quite sure I loved him. Finally, he did tell me he loved me. Granted I felt we were a bit different from my friends; they were getting engaged, posting photos of them being happy and smiling all over facebook. We have no pictures up, and not even our relationship status is on facebook. My page says I'm in a relationship. His says he is single. Granted he only has like 45 friends on facebook and is one of those very minimal facebook users, I wish he would want to show the world we are together. He says he doesn't feel the need since he doesn't like to plaster it on there, he says it's just another thing for people to divulge about him they may not need to know. He is quite private and doesn't trust things like that. Still, I can't help but think I am missing out on something. I understand this could be in my head. It also doesn't help that he very infrequently even says he loves me. He says, can't you see it in my eyes? Of course I do. He also never has mentioned what's to happen to us. Not even an idea. I am not expecting marriage, not even really an engagement until quite a bit later on. But maybe a mentioning of living together or finding a place together. He suggested if I wanted to get out of my parents' that I could move in with his sister. I started thinking subconsciously if I was comfortable with it. I thought about what would happen if somehow we went down in flames and I would have to move out surrounded by his sister. How awkward it would be. Not that I was expecting it. I also was thinking, you have space with your roommates, why wouldn't you just let me live with you? Although I know that's a HUGE step. I don't want to press that. I did end up asking him about the future and he says he isn't ready to live with someone because he isn't financially stable and that he still has to go to school, but that he would likely go to school around me. He said he didn't want to lose me and that he loved me very much, but that he takes things day by day and hadn't thought that far ahead. So these things have been swirling in my head for a month or two now. I also have noticed I don't have much of a libido. I started to try to find out why. Something on the internet put the idea in my head that I was no longer attracted to him and that our relationship was over. My anxiety took over and (I can't even remember how this happened) I ran away with the idea, thinking I didn't want to be together when that's all I've wanted this whole time. Started to throw around my doubts in my head, wondering if we would have a future, if I loved him, if he loved me, and why I couldn't have what my friends did. Let me just say this was an abrupt change of mood. I was feeling quite happy. I never have drama with him anymore. We have fun and I feel like we connect on multiple levels. If you asked me right off the bat if I loved my boyfriend (even with the anxiety going on in my head right now) I would say undoubtedly, yes, I love my boyfriend. I brought the doubts to his attention and he was very reassuring and understanding. At times he was a little frustrated, but I don't think he understands my train of thought. Anyways I have been having invasive worries telling me what if?! What if you don't love him, he doesn't love you? What if he breaks your heart? What if you never get to see what your friends have in your relationship? Why do I feel this way? Then my stomach churns, and tears come flowing, my appetite leaves, and I just feel like running away. Running away from everything. I have recently had huge changes in my life. I moved away from home for the first time to go to university. I was exploring moving in with my bf's sister and finding employment closer. I am worried about a two weeks notice, I am worried about moving in with her. I am barely hanging on in school. I am travelling constantly; my bags are packed and I am driving, at work, doing homework, staying up to get it done. My room is forever in chaos. I hoard clothing. I remember before the worries started swirling, I was thinking about how I wanted everything to just STOP! For my life to go on hold. I guess I really don't handle stress well. I am a shopaholic, I shop, and shop, and shop... I have MOUNTAINS of clothes. I can't compel myself to stop. I like the instant gratification I believe. I guess I feel out of control. My boyfriend and I were happy and this happened to me. It is the only happy thing in my life. Yet my mind is telling me run, break up with him, just end it, you will feel relief, just do it. But I know in my heart... I will feel lost and confused. I will beg for him back, I will regret it almost as soon as it comes out of my mouth. The anxiety is driving me. The fear of the future is pushing me. I feel a force that isn't me controlling me. I have looked into something and I think I may have OCD. I don't know for sure, but I haven't felt like this since my last unavailable relationship. This time, it is markedly different in that I can't pinpoint a cause. What do I do? How do I keep myself from doing things I know I will regret? The deadlines are piling up on papers, I have to pack, I have to move, get a new job, I'm scared of change. I feel out of control!

I am worried beyond belief about my life and whether or not I will be successful in my relationship, school, and work. I am pushing my boyfriend away and do not know why.

posted by Chelsaroo650 to Human Relations