Fairness and compensation
March 7, 2013 6:51 AM Subscribe
I feel that since older, attractive, successful guys get so much love already, I shouldn't like them. It just feels unfair, so much so that I try to deny my feelings and COMPENSATE by liking the opposite. This has terrible results. How do I stop thinking like this?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (19 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
I am 23 years old. It seems like I attract a type of guys... younger, don't really have their life together, unambitious. They are younger than me-- so they are 18-20 years old. (I know that most young guys don't have their lives together, but the type of guys I attract are especially lazy and undecided.)
When I had really low self-esteem, I used to convince myself to like whoever likes me, and I still tend to do this. In fact, I convinced myself to like a (younger, not together) boy in order to NOT like this really great guy who I actually liked. I felt like it's "unfair" that poor or less successful guys get less love, and I thought I could be "fair" and balance things out. It is really wrong and not at all the way to go about relationships. I've learned that these younger and lazy guys who like me turn out to be cheaters or have a dim future... In other words, not worth my sympathy.
I do not want to attract these lazy younger guys anymore because 1) their liking is wasted on me, b/c I don't like them; 2) I feel sympathetic and want to be nice to them, but this leads them on. But when I am cold to try to cut off the attraction, it also feels unnecessarily rude.
What can I do to not attract this type of guys? I wonder if I give off a Mom vibe. Partly I feel like they might see me as a sugar mama, because I am fairly stable and on my way to being financially independent (but young enough to be a dating interest). When I give them attention (just through daily interactions at work or school), they seem to start to like me.
1) What can I do to stop this pattern of thinking/ trying to compensate by who I like?
2) What can I do to stop attracting this type of boys?