I am trying to free myself from an unhappy family dynamic by moving out. But, without telling my family, I bought tickets for a trip to one of my favorite cities but am now having second thoughts about the trip. Should I still go, or wait a few months to make my grand departure with no hurtful follow-up acts from my crazy family?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (30 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
Hello Mefites, I am in need of your helpful advice. I am a female in my mid twenties and had to move back home after college after being unable to find a job in the economy. I've saved money, and am now in the process of moving out, hopefully within the next few months, before summer. I have not discussed any of these plans with my family, as they are generally unsupportive of my goals and tend to shoot down most things I say. For some background, here is the family I am trying to leave:
-My dad was an alcoholic and was abusive to my mom and me. He would punch me for wearing a sleeveless shirt when I was only 6, and later when I was a teenager, because I shaved.
-He lied about my PSAT score, which was over 1100 (out of 1600) and more than what my older brother made, which was more than 200 pts lower than mine. My dad is from a culture that is well-known to disrespect women, and I don't think he could take it that I scored much higher than my brother. I found out weeks before college that I scored that high and felt that I would have done so much better in high school had I known what I was capable of, as my dad would frequently call me "stupid". My dad wouldn't let me take honors classes in high school because my brother wasn't able to get into those classes, even though I was able to take them. My teachers would even tell me at parent-teacher conferences that they were wondering why I wasn't in honors. My dad never responded to them.
-My dad is no longer physically abusive, but he doesn't support my dreams and I hate being around him and just want to leave.
-My mom comes from a culture where women are expected to defer to men. She never protected me from my dad and will stand up for my brother even when she knows I am right. She frequently ignores me and does not even acknowledge my presence when our paths cross at home, whereas to my brother, she's laughing and all smiles and says encouraging things to him.
-My older brother is pretty much a jerk to me, and always has been. He posted bad things about me on his twitter and blog because I don't call him by the term for older brothers that people from our culture use, as well as for other things I do that "annoy" him. He slammed his door on my ankle one time and it bled and I have a scar there, but he never apologized. He shuns me and doesn't acknowledge me, unless if our cousins or other people are around. He says that I have no social skills (I'm guessing because I'm not on facebook or any social media and I have few friends) and that I'm "entitled" because I speak up to my family when I feel they do unfair things, like buying my brother a car, and not buying me one, even though I work full-time and my brother hasn't had a job in 6 years, since he was in college the first time.
So, that's the dynamic I'm trying to get away from. I just can't take it anymore. I haven't discussed any of my plans with them obviously, because I know my brother would try to steamroll me in some way and my parents would respond by giving something to my brother in response to me getting my freedom. I want to let them know with just days before my departure, so that there's no way for them to stop me.
So here is where my conundrum is: I recently acquired a ticket to one of my stand-up heroes in one of my favorite cities. He always sells out within minutes, and I thought to go ahead and get one, since it would be a dream come true. So I bought plane tickets, but now I'm wondering if I should leave for a trip, or should instead be focusing on getting out for good. I still have packing and organizing to do, as well as a job hunt for the city I want to move to, which I haven't decided yet. I don't want my family to pick up that I may be leaving, so that they don't try to stop me. So I'm not sure if I should go on the trip or not. There will be more opportunities to see the stand-up comic, and I can cancel the trip and get a full refund. I just don't know if I should go or not, because I would obviously enjoy it, but I feel like I should be spending all of my energy to get out for good. My therapist is out of town and so I thought to ask the sages of AskMe. If you all may have any advice, it would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance and take care.