What to do after falling out with friend?
November 5, 2012 2:38 PM Subscribe
What is my step in this messy situation with a friend?
posted by dt2010 to human relations (35 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
I have a friend I've known since middle school (we are 28 now) who I've often turned to for comfort after a breakup. She recently went through a breakup and upon telling me I immediately set up a night for her, me, and good mutual friend to get together for her comfort. We went to dinner and she chose not to talk about the ex. We then went for coffee and she talked about him a little. Coffee shop closed and I said I was still up for hanging out and was in no rush. Friends suggested a place 30 mins away which was not a problem in and of itself- but it was late Friday and I was tired, knowing we would hang out 1-2 hours at least and I would have an hour drive home afterwards; plus I wanted to be well rested to see my mother the next day as we were finally having a fun day out since her chemo was done. I have mild insomnia and take a sleep aid several times a week just to be rested enough to work all day.
So, I was exhausted as usual and SHOULD have excused myself at that point. I told them jokingly, “yeah we can go hang out there but I might doze off and wake up again!”. So we started down the road, but after 1-2 minutes I called them both and explained that I was exhausted and wouldn't be able to muster the drive out and back that night - and explicitly told my friend I still wanted to talk to her/see her/hang out with her very soon. She ignored me after that and I found out she was hurt/angry that I “took off at her low point, it wasn't enough that I did for her, she's been there for me, I would be upset if she did it to me, if I was tired I shouldn't have planned it on that day, etc”.
I am extremely angry at her. I planned the night, spent time at dinner and coffee with her, and wanted to get rest to finally spend time with my mom the next day. I responded to her “please don't tell me what I would have felt, you have hurt me a lot by what you said, I believed I was being a supportive friend and I did my best...I know you're hurting but I have things going on in my life [mentioned seeing my mom the next day], I will not allow you to take your feelings out on me, if you hold me accountable to return everything you've done for me in the exact same way no matter what the circumstances are in my life you are not realistic, I can't believe you said I should have planned it for a night I wouldn't have been tired, as if I can control that, I feel taken foregranted by you as a friend and this is not the first time, and I will not continue this conversation with you”. By the way- she doesn't know I have insomnia. She hurt me bad in college as well, and it took me a long time to be friendly with her- her acting like this so many years later brought me right back to those awful feelings last time she hurt me in a very petty way. I'm not really sure I care to continue a relationship with her. The difference this time is that I have learned to stand up for myself and not grovel at her feet asking for her forgiveness and asking how to be a better friend. We have some mutual friends which may make it awkward- The mutual friend knows we are pissed at each other, and I don't know if she'll judge me or not- I wish she was not involved but it is what it is. I am so hurt that she called me out after I deliberately took time to see her and went home when I needed to in order to spend time with my mom who is my PRIORITY over her- why did she have to go and assume the worst about me? That is so hurtful. She acts as if she is in high school still. I've started to stick up for myself recently more-so when people do things like this so I'm not nervous I said what I did to her.
Maybe I came off too strong, as I am guess I am still learning to find the balance between sticking up for myself when I feel I need to and not coming across as aggressive? What is your opinion of this situation? It's 2 days later and I am still angry and no longer have sympathy for her, at least right now. I try to live my best with integrity and I feel I handled this situation the best I could.