I wish I could be a completely different person.
July 23, 2012 11:17 AM Subscribe
I have so many problems--I'm so far from being the person I want to be --that I don't even know where to start. If you were me, what would you do this week
to try to build up to some change?
posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (45 answers total) 61 users marked this as a favorite
I am: just your average early 30s lady with a history of childhood abuse and of major trauma in the past 5 years, some of it still ongoing, and with treatment-resistant depression. I have some ADHD symptoms but the psychologist who evaluated me did not consider them significant enough to warrant medication. I am also: already in therapy and on medication; I have also been in dialectical behavior group therapy but can't afford to do it right now. I am also: in graduate school but working a lucrative freelance contract at present.
I just feel like a total mess. I get that none of these things are necessarily "bad" and that most of them, frankly, are habits that have been created while trying very desperately just to survive, but I just wish I could be a different person. Can you help me figure out how to change without feeling like I have to do it all at once?
I have problems with:
Food. I am a compulsive eater and have gained and lost weight. I'm pretty sure that the extra weight I carry is because of my food compulsions, not because of genetics.
Caffeine and tobacco. I drink enormous amounts of coffee and Diet Coke, which fucks up my sleep and my eating. I am quitting smoking (again) this week, because the medication I take makes the physiological symptoms negligible, but I am worried that I will freak out and start again as soon as something difficult comes up.
Work. I am an intense procrastinator and have been my entire life. For example: Downloaded Leechblock for Firefox, spent 3 hours trying to figure out how to game it. Crowed about my success but had wasted 3 hours.
Exercise. I should be doing it for many reasons, but find it difficult to sustain.
Cleanliness. My house is a slovenly mess and I find it difficult to pick up after myself.
Internet. Addicted to the internet. Full stop. (I have several small addictions, I guess.)
Money. I eat out all the time. Partly because my kitchen is gross. Partly because it's a way to feel taken care of. But I can't afford it.
Here's what I wish my life looked like: I have a mostly-tidy home that feels good to wake up in. I get up and go to bed at the same times every day, roughly. I have lots of different routines in my day--cooking for myself, picking up after myself, getting some exercise, doing some yoga or meditation, having a regular work schedule (spend some time on the dissertation; spend some time on freelance work; spend some time building my freelance business every day). I shower and wear clean clothes every day. I remember to take all my meds every day. I don't rush to meet deadlines. I read and teach myself my musical instrument and maybe do a little crafting for fun. I eat mostly whole foods I've prepared myself.
It all sounds nice, and it all sounds like a life I will never have--like it would require being a completely different person. Is that true? I don't think I want all that much. I just don't know where to start. I want to be able to tell a different story about myself, but sometimes that seems impossible.
So. Where would you start?