No, no, I'm not attracted to women! I just find women attractive!
July 10, 2012 5:59 PM Subscribe
Mid-20s, female, sort of starting to wonder if I might maybe be bi, kind of hating on myself over it.
I remember being like eleven or twelve, and reading some article by a woman who essentially said "it doesn't make you gay if you feel attracted to women! It could just mean you think they're pretty!" And I was like... oh thank goodness! That means I'm not gay! My first crush on a boy a year later was met with similar relief. And from that moment on, I was straight.
In high school I had it bad for a girl I knew. But I 'knew' it was just because I thought she was pretty and I wanted to be like her. So what if I dreamed about her...
She was really my last female crush. Mostly I'm attracted to men. But I am now starting to realize that maybe the sidelong glances I give to hot women on the street are, in fact, not just glances of platonic appreciation.
And this really bothers me. Because I feel like I don't deserve to be queer, because I never had to suffer over this at all. I've been straight. I've never once felt like a closeted bi person, I've felt straight! I haven't ever felt like I was hiding some deep dark secret- I have happily dated and slept with men and not really felt like I was missing anything. I could try dating women, or I could just not bother and I think I'd still wind up happy. So I feel like if I did try dating women, I'd be cheating, or being a gayness dilettante somehow.
And there's also the fear that I was right all along, I really am straight, and I'll be one of those horrible bi-curious girls everyone loves to hate. The ones who date one girl and then go back to men forever. And because of that, there's a part of me who wants to try this without 'coming out', and that makes me feel cowardly.
Adding to this anxiety is the fact that, well, I'm dating a guy and we don't have plans to break up any time soon, so all this is purely in what-if territory, and I fear that this is all just fantasizing and if we break up I'll just chicken out of trying this.
Um... anyone been here? What is going on? How do I even know if I'm bi, like for realsies?