Make nice please.
June 25, 2012 7:56 PM Subscribe
Please help me get from hammering to comforting.
I'm in the throes of a contentious, heated and upsetting discussion. I want to make my case, but I want to do so respectfully, kindly, and gently, and I can see in my first unsent attempt that I'm coming off more like someone in front of a punching bag: and this and this and this... I've got all these things I want to include, and it turns into a barrage. Can you help me say what I want to say without being so pressing about it?
This is a problem I've had with others and it's a style that comes up both when I feel very solid in an opinion and when I'm struggling to decide something and seeking help from people in deciding. (I often seek that help in the form of resistance from the other. I'll want to make the strongest cases I can for both sides of the issue and see what's weakest from what holds up to their arguments, but this can be crazymaking to people close to me.) In either case there's this sea of details that I'm swimming in that I need to get out on the table, and I can overwhelm people I care about.
As a restriction to this question, please no answers about whether I'm right (although you may comment on my personality if you feel I'm being self-righteous or overly confident that I'm right.) In fact, this drafted letter which is too long, sorry and you have my permission to skip a lot will self-destruct in a couple of weeks, so that after the contentious issue is settled and this thread is found again someday, the issue cannot be resurrected. Please avoid talking in your answers about the particular issue discussed in my note.* I want your help with this aspect of how I relate to people, and that is also what I hope to leave behind on green.
*This is an experiment. I thought a bit, and I'm simply not sure if a good discussion will happen without mentioning particulars. I still think it's possible. If it fails, so be it; we might not learn anything about human relations, but at least something about posting questions here! And you can always send me memail if necessary. I'll also accept comments about whether I'm too uptight or not uptight enough about my and the other relevant parties' privacy :-)
I'm in the throes of a contentious, heated and upsetting discussion. I want to make my case, but I want to do so respectfully, kindly, and gently, and I can see in my first unsent attempt that I'm coming off more like someone in front of a punching bag: and this and this and this... I've got all these things I want to include, and it turns into a barrage. Can you help me say what I want to say without being so pressing about it?
This is a problem I've had with others and it's a style that comes up both when I feel very solid in an opinion and when I'm struggling to decide something and seeking help from people in deciding. (I often seek that help in the form of resistance from the other. I'll want to make the strongest cases I can for both sides of the issue and see what's weakest from what holds up to their arguments, but this can be crazymaking to people close to me.) In either case there's this sea of details that I'm swimming in that I need to get out on the table, and I can overwhelm people I care about.
As a restriction to this question, please no answers about whether I'm right (although you may comment on my personality if you feel I'm being self-righteous or overly confident that I'm right.) In fact, this drafted letter which is too long, sorry and you have my permission to skip a lot will self-destruct in a couple of weeks, so that after the contentious issue is settled and this thread is found again someday, the issue cannot be resurrected. Please avoid talking in your answers about the particular issue discussed in my note.* I want your help with this aspect of how I relate to people, and that is also what I hope to leave behind on green.
*This is an experiment. I thought a bit, and I'm simply not sure if a good discussion will happen without mentioning particulars. I still think it's possible. If it fails, so be it; we might not learn anything about human relations, but at least something about posting questions here! And you can always send me memail if necessary. I'll also accept comments about whether I'm too uptight or not uptight enough about my and the other relevant parties' privacy :-)
This post was deleted for the following reason: You can't do this here. Questions are available to the community forever, not okay to have a self-destructing part of this one. Feel free to re-ask with something specific. -- jessamyn
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